HoldingOn3.html (A/N) Whew, next part done! I decided to keep going with this since I got so many nice reviews requesting more parts, so here it is! This is Yaoi - Taito, with very tiny hints of Daikeru and a sort of mention of Ken x Kari. Anywhoo, just read and you'll see. Angst, WAFF (I think), and soccer!

Disclaimer: Don't own digimon characters... I hope to God you already knew that!

Holding On: Part Three

Tai's POV

Do you know what the most wonderful feeling in the world is? For me, it's waking up in my lover's arms, feeling the light weight of his head against my chest, his even breaths tickling my neck, warm body pressed against mine as he sleeps. I've always loved watching him sleep, even before I really knew my real feelings for him. It's the way he looks so peaceful and innocent, as if nothing bad has ever hurt him and nothing ever will. And he looks so young, so fragile that the slightest disturbance will break him into a million pieces as I hold him protectively in my arms. I love the way his perfectly colored golden hair falls across his gently shut eyelids, brushing against my neck and chest, and the way his lips curve slightly upward in an innocent smile that I rarely see anymore when he is awake.

But even more pleasureable than that is getting to watch him wake up. Before he is aware of the world and the follies of humankind. His eyes will flutter open slightly, and I will see the light glimmering in his crystal azure depths as they glance around with partial confusion and wonder. His body never moves, it's always his eyes first, checking around to see what exactly is around him before he ventures to wake any further, to see if there is anything worth getting up for. Then finally he will let out a small tantalizing sigh, he will reach up with one slender hand and run it sleepily through his hair, the pride and joy of his life. He always looks the cutest when he is first waking up, not that he isn't cute during the rest of the time, but at this moment he is still untainted by reality, unfocused to the world around him.

Now as I watch him awake in my arms, he goes through the same routine as always, never fails unless he is frightened or shocked out of his sleep. The morning sun coming through the window falls across his head, alighting his hair in a golden brilliance, and glinting off of his partially opened clear, blue eyes. God, I swear, he is the most beautiful being on this planet. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he is really an angel fallen from heaven, somehow managing to land in my arms. He never believes me, now matter how many times I tell him, but I can still see the appreciation that glows in his eyes, telling me that I'm saying the right thing.

His hand finishes its regular swipe through the blonde hair, and suddenly he stiffens in my arms, letting out a small wimper that tears at my heart. Even after all these months, the terror of that one night plagues him endlessly, making him fearful at every sudden movement or reminder.

Making sure not to tighten my hold and scare him even more, I place one hand beneath his chin, tilting his face so he can look directly in my eyes, so he can see there is no danger. "'Morning Angel, sleep well?" At my smile his face immediatly softens and his body relaxes again.

Crystal eyes shimmering with unshed tears and love, Yamato buries his head into my chest and I wrap my arms around him once again, protecting him from anything that may hurt him. I hate seeing fear in his eyes, making them wide and untrusting. Lord knows why he trusts me as much as he does, not after what I did to him, all the pain that I caused him. He has told me over and over how he forgives me, how it wasn't my fault, but sometimes I still can't help but feel the guilt and shame at leaving him behind, making him walk home by himself only to be raped and almost beaten to death. How can I not blame myself? But still my Yama loves me and trusts me with his life, he says I'm the only one able to take away his pain. And I believe him, with all my heart, I could never even pretend that he would lie to me. So even though I don't deserve him or his trust, I still do have him, for which I'm eternally grateful for. Everyday my love for Yamato grows stronger, and everyday I wish I could take away his pain forever.

"You okay Yama-chan?" I know he hates that question, but I always like to make sure, even if he does tend to keep his problems to himself.

The blonde sighs against me and half pushes away to look into my eyes again, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to go make breakfast for Dad, you coming?" No, you are not fine, and I can see that, see the pain in your eyes and tension in your face. You like to pretend that everything is fine, but the pain and fear never seems to leave you. I wish more than anything in the world that I could heal you, honest I do.

"Sure, right behind you, all the way." I mean that in more than one way, and he knows it.

Sadly I watch my beautiful koibito pull away from me and swing himself over the side of the bed. I don't usually sleep over here since my family doesn't like to put up with it, but Yamato was having a really bad day yesterday and needed the comfort. His depression came on so suddenly and worse than I've seen before, and I can tell you it scared me more than anything. The blank, dead look in his usually sparkling eyes and the way he didn't even know I was there when I said his name. It seemed to take forever to break him out of his trance like state, I was terrified for every second it took. Fortunately I managed not to freak or anything, and it seemed I said all the right words as I finally got him to come back to the real world. I hope never to see that look again, although I'm not too sure that I won't, maybe not for awhile at least.

I had stayed with him for the rest of the day, not daring to leave his side again incase he fell back into his dark hole. Most of the day we just cuddled on the couch, him on my lap while I comforted him as much as I could. Yamato even tried to explain something of what he was feeling, which is quite unusual for him. From what he said, he felt like he was barely hanging on the edge of a bottomless pit or drowning in a black sea, or something like that. He told me that what hurt him most, made him so depressed, was what those bastards took from him, something that was more special to him than anything. Obviously he was talking about his virginity, and just thinking about how he was forced to give himself up like that in the most painful way, makes me sick to my stomach. I still dream of making Seb pay for what he did to my Love.

"Taichi, are you coming or not? Maybe you're not hungry this morning?" Yamato's soft teasing voice broke through my thoughts, and I looked up to find him already dressed, and about to go out the door.

"Hey! Wait a sec, I'm coming! Make sure you make a whole lot of food, I'm starving!" I leaped out of bed with my usual energitic style, and went to catch up with him as he disappeared through the opening. I didn't even bother to change out of my boxers and t-shirt (both of which were Yamato's) as I could feel my stomach already growling at the thought of Yamato's wonderful cooking. He's the best cook you can find anywhere, I'm not kidding! Just the thought of his light, fluffy scrambled eggs with special herbs along with his homemade toasted bread and pancakes sets my mouth watering enough to fill a lake. Yamato says I'm way too obsessed with food, but I can see he enjoys making it for me, and who am I to take that away from him?

I skid into the kitchen and am immediatly pushed back out, "I don't want you messing up my kitchen or distracting me with your whining while I'm trying to prepare breakfast. Out, go watch some tv or something." No matter what happens, Yamato will always be commanding and very particular when it comes to his kitchen, he can't stand anybody else in it, especially when they are klutz's like me.

"Hey Mr. Ishida, what's happening?" I grin as I collapse into the couch cushions, leaving Yamato in his own little paradise. His father is sitting in the large arm chair nearby, his favorite seat that I had learned long ago about never sitting in it myself with the help of a new bump on my head.

He barely glances up from his newspaper, "Good morning Tai, how are you? Is Matt making breakfast?"

"I'm great! And yeah, he's in the kitchen right now." He nods, and doesn't say anything else, so I just shrug and flick on the television set. As luck would have it, it's saturday, which means a whole morning of cartoons which I almost always watch, no matter how much my little sister teases me. As I find one I like, I turn up the volume then glance at Mr. Ishida. He just takes a sip of his coffee and keeps reading the news. Yamato's dad is pretty cool in my opinion. First, and most important, he knows that me and Yamato are completely in love and are going out, and he's totally fine with it. He even welcomed me into the family and teases us all the time in a friendly way! Unlike my dad, who says he's okay with it, after almost killing me when he found out, and still won't even mention Yamato anymore. He just pretends it's not really happening, but almost always disappears whenever I invite Yamato over. At least now I know my father won't try to kill me or disown me or anything stupid like that. The problem is that he's a complete homophobic, so I never told him about Yamato's and my relationship. Unfortunately he caught us together once. He was ready to murder me right then and there, but we managed to convince him otherwise, now he just barely puts up with it. The other reasons Yamato's father is great, is the way he trusts us to be alone together and trusts me to be there for Yamato, to help him out when his father can't be there, as well as helping us out when we need it.

"Dad, Taichi, breakfast."

At breakfast I listened to Yamato and his father chatter easily to each other, mostly with Mr. Ishida saying stuff like his son should eat more and go outside, while Yamato would argue back with either a 'I just don't feel like it' or his more popular response, 'whatever'. I managed to stay out of most of the converstation by keeping my mouth stuffed with food, only answering when asked a direct question.

Afterwards, I was helping to clear away the dishes and was just putting a stack in the kitchen sink when Yamato came in muttering to himself. "What's that Yama?" I turned around and watched him with concern. He was looking a little depressed again, his body almost rigid with emotion.

His blue eyed gaze turned up at me, and he gave a shrug while setting down the last of the dirty plates, "Ah, nothing." He stared at the dishes in disgust before shaking his head and stomping back out of the room.

Confused, I hastily followed Yamato to his bedroom where he grabbed a comb and a bottle of gel and headed for the bathroom. Just before he stepped through the door, he finally remembered me, "Taichi, go get dressed. Looks like we have to go out today, think of something will ya?" Then he slammed the door shut.

We're going out? Well, obviously that was not Yamato's idea, so before going back to the bedroom, I decided to go find his father and see what's up. I found him in his chair again, watching television. "Mr. Ishida? What's wrong with Matt? He says we have to go out."

"Huh? Oh... right. I'm having the house cleaned today professionally, it's gotten way out of hand, so we need to stay out so they can clean carpets and stuff. Matt's just mad because he thinks he can clean the house just fine, except that I've been waiting for him to do it for the past two years! They're expected to come within the next hour, so I'd like for you boys to be out by then. I'll give you some money, and try to keep him outside for awhile okay? He needs some fresh air." He explained, giving a shrug and turning back to his program.

"Uh, sure thing." No wonder Yamato's in a bad mood. He hardly ever goes out anymore, and most likely the only reason he's agreeing to it now is because I'll be with him. Back in Yamato's bedroom, I proceed to get dressed, borrowing some of his clothes again as I never went back home yesterday to get my own. After digging around a bit I finally found a shirt that wasn't black and was reasonably clean, while deciding to just wear my shorts from yesterday. While putting these on I suddenly remembered Takeru mentioning a soccer game going on today down at the park, just a fun one with our friends. Maybe that would take Yamato's mind off of things, and he shouldn't mind since he knows everyone that will be there.

Yamato came back from the bathroom a short while later, his hair shaped to perfection in a sort of smooth spiked style that he usually does. He still looked kind of down, so the first thing I did when he got close enough was pull him towards me into a comforting hug, trying to relax him a bit. As usual, it worked as he almost went completely limp in my arms. "So... where to?" He mumbled into my shirt.

"Soccer." Was my reply, pleased with the response as Yamato lifted his head in surprise. He also looked confused, so I explained further, telling him about the game that the group was putting together for the afternoon. Yamato looked very skeptical so of course I switched into my almost whiney voice that usually suckered anybody to do anything I wanted, "Come on Angel, it'll be tons of fun. Almost everybody is going to be there, even the genius's, Izzy and Ken. You'll enjoy yourself, I promise. Besides, you need the fresh air."

"You've been talking to my Dad, haven't you?" Yamato accused me, but then sighed in defeat and pulled away, "Fine, I'll go, but only because you want me to."

=-=-=-=

"Tai! Matt! Glad you could join us!" Sora waved over to us from the picnic table where the rest of the gang were grouped. Takeru smiled and waved at us from his position on Daisuke's lap as the boy who had inherited my goggles lazily held the blonde while making faces at the crazy Miyako who was drooling over some passing boys. Ken Ichijouji and Koushiro Izumi sat on one side of the table in front of the redhead's laptop discussing something, which I'm sure contained a bunch of long technical terms that nobody but other genius's could understand. Those two are always figuring out something or other together, but no, they are not going out or anything like that. As far as I know, neither one is gay or even bi. In fact I happen to know that Ken has a secret crush on my sister, 'though he made me promise never to mention that under pain of torture! And last but not least was Sora Takenuchi, my best friend from kindergarden, who was at the moment sitting cross legged on the top of the table while tossing a soccer ball around in her hands and grinning at us as we headed towards the group.

I waved back at everyone and started to jog over to them, until I noticed that Yamato wasn't beside me anymore. Looking back I found him a few paces behind me, dragging his feet glumly as he followed. "Yama? What's the matter? You know everyone here, so it's alright. Isn't it?"

His head snapped up, then he shrugged and glanced over at the waiting group of kids, "Yeah, sure. Just thinking, that's all." Was his only explaination before pasting on a small smile and hurrying past me. Shaking my head, I follow close behind. Something's upsetting Yamato, but of course he won't tell me unless I push it too much, which I won't do since that just makes him upset.

While Yamato went over to talk to his brother, I made my way to Sora and sat down at the edge of the table beside her. I reached over and grabbed the ball out of the air as she tossed it up again, and started to spin it on my finger. Sora laughed and swatted my head, "So, how's Matt doing?" She knew better than to ask Yamato himself that question as he would either end up very angry, ignore it, or just say he's fine.

I shrugged, "Fine." I wasn't about to start discussing our problems with anyone but Yama, I didn't care how close of a friend she was. Besides, I knew if Yamato found out I was telling someone else about his private fears and stuff, he would probably either kill me or never speak to me again, and I sure didn't want either one of those happening. Before she could ask anything else, I quickly threw the ball and bounced it off of the side of Koushiro's head.

The redhead jerked his head up and glared at me, "Hey! What was that for?"

"Are we playing or solving life's problems? Get off that damn thing and let's get started!" Jumping up I called over to the others to get over here and soon we were all grouped around the picnic table.

"Okay then, Tai, Matt, you're the leaders, pick your teams." Koushiro told us with a smile.

"What? Why are we on separate teams?" I glared angrily at him, not sure if I liked being against the one guy who needed me.

Koushiro raised an eyebrow, "Because you two are the oldest of course. Now pick."

I looked at Yamato, but he didn't seem to be upset over this at all, so I just sighed and nodded. My team ended up with Sora, Koushiro, and Takeru, while Yamato had Miyako, Daisuke and Ken. Soon we were all positioned on the field, me and Ken starting the kick off and we got down to business. Ken smiled shyly at me just before the game started, he was still getting used to having friends around but I could see he really enjoyed it. I grinned back good naturedly and dodged around him with the ball, Ken turned and was hot on my heels. I was almost at the goal at the other end where Miyako was playing goalie when Daisuke speeded in front of me and kicked the ball away. Daisuke is on my soccer team during the in season, and I have to admit he's just about as good as me, not quite, but almost. Panting a bit, I turned on my heel and watched as Yamato jogged down the field to take a pass if Daisuke needed it, and Takeru was headed straight for his boyfriend. Of course, just because Takeru and Daisuke were going out, didn't mean they were going to be easy on each other in competition.

Sora was our goalie, and I saw the look of determination on her face as she watched the ball closing in on her, even though she still had the bright smile on. Instead of taking the shot though, as Daisuke usually would have since he loved being a star, he saw Takeru was right in front and passed the ball to Yamato who was a few feet to the left of him. Yamato easily controlled the ball and shot it into the net, scoring a perfect goal. His team cheered while ours just rolled our eyes and threatened to get them next time.

After half an hour of playing, the score was tied 10-10, and since we were all hot and tired by now, we decided next goal wins. Wiping some sweat out of my eyes, I grinned over at Yamato, then kicked the soccer ball high over the opposite team's heads, trying for a one shot goal. Miyako managed to grab it and she kicked it over to Yamato who took off down the field with it. It actually looked like he was having a pretty good time, and I secretly congragulated myself for thinking of this to take his mind off of things. I jogged slowly down to our end but didn't try to get the ball too fast as I saw that Koushiro was already on that. I was just ready to cheer him on when it happened. It was so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on until I heard the terrified scream cut through the air.

Koushiro was only a few steps away from Yamato when he suddenly tripped on a clump of grass sticking up. He went flying straight out into the surprised blonde, knocking them both down, Koushiro landing on Yamato. I raced as hard as I could over to them just in time to see Koushiro get knocked back, holding his hands to his nose as blood spurted out, a shocked look on his face. But I hardly registered that as I saw Yamato lying on the ground in a shivering ball, screaming his head off.

"Don't touch me! Stay away! Don't hurt me, please! It hurts, oh it hurts, get off of me, please... go away! GO AWAY! STOP HURTING ME!! IT HURTS!" He screamed over and over. I rushed by Sora and Miyako who were holding Koushiro while everyone stared open mouthed at the hysterical boy.

I was terrified out of my mind, seeing Yamato act like this. This has never happened before, but of course he's never been bowled over either since the attack. I reached his side and tried to calm him, but the moment I touched him, he screamed even louder and punched out at me, catching me in the shoulder hard enough to make me wince. "YAMATO! STOP!" I screamed back at him, if he kept this up he was going to hurt himself or someone else in the very least. His blue eyes were glazed over as he stared wildly about, reliving that horrible nightmare, his face tight with agony. I didn't know what to do, he was too out of it to even know I was there. Then as he screamed again at something I could not see, I grabbed his wildly swinging arms and pulled him into me, wrapping my arms around him tight so he couldn't move.

"Shh, Yama-chan, Angel... It's okay, stop this, please. You're safe now, I won't let anybody hurt you, I promise." I whisper in his ear as he tried to pull away in jerky movements, still screaming and pleading. "It was just Koushiro, Yama, you know him. He wouldn't hurt you either, he's a friend. It's okay now, shh, you're okay..."

Suddenly Yamato seemed to come out of it with a jerk and a gasp, latching onto my shirt and started to sob into my chest. I pulled my shaking koi onto my lap, where he curled up, not taking his face away from my shirt for a second. "Oh... oh Tai-Taichi... I'm s-sorry-y... he... he scared m-me... an-and I th-thought... they were... were... Don't leave me T-Taichi, p-please don't... don't leave m-me..." He sobbed, twisting my heart to hear the fear and pain in his voice.

"Shh, I'm not going anywhere Angel, you're safe with me. Don't you worry, everything's going to be all right." Rocking Yamato gently, I looked up a found six very worried and frightened eyes on us from where the rest of the kids were huddled a few feet away. Koushiro seemed to have stopped his nosebleed, and it didn't look broken from here, just a little swollen. Takeru was staring at his crying brother with wide eyes, looking like that frightened eight year old that I remember from our adventures again. He seemed to be shaking almost as hard as Yamato and Daisuke was trying his best to calm him down. I sighed apologetically and stood up with Yamato cradled in my arms, his face still hiding from the world, "Sorry about that guys... looks like we'll have to call it a game huh? It's just... uh... you know... he's still having a hard time with it an' all. 'Your nose okay Koushiro?"

Koushiro stood up and nodded, giving me a slight grin, "Yeah, no problem Tai. You have nothing to apologize for, I understand." The others behind him nodded as well.

"Thanks guys. I guess I'll be taking him home now. You okay Takeru? Don't worry, Yamato will be fine, he's just shaken up right now."

Takeru wiped his eyes quickly, and gave me a small smile, "I know... it just scared me, that's all. You'll get him to phone me when he's feeling better right?"

"Yeah, of course. See ya all!" They waved as I turned away and headed quickly for the car, eager to Yamato home as soon as possible where he'll hopefully calm down. When I finally got the car door open and tried to set him in the seat, Yamato clung onto my shirt tighter, shaking his head against me.

"Don't g-go Taichi, please? I-I don't wanna be... be a-alone, they... they'll h-hurt m-me..."

I sighed and pulled him into a tight hug, "Yama-chan, I can't carry you all the way home. I'll be right beside you, just let me get into the driver's seat okay? I won't leave, I promised you. I won't let anybody hurt you," Slowly the blonde's sobs resided as he nodded slightly, taking a few more minutes before he let go of me. "Okay, I'm just going around the car to the otherside now, alright? We're going to your house." When I pulled away from him, Yamato turned to face the front, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them while hiding his face against them.

As quickly as I could I ran around the car and got into it and started it up. Yamato's shaky voice was heard over the engine, "We... we can't go to... to my house... the cleaners, re-remember?"

Shit, I had forgotton about them, and I doubt his house is even half clean yet with the state it was in before we left. "I guess we'll just have to go to my house then." He didn't say anything, but I knew we both didn't want to have to put up with my dad's suspicious nature of what we do together. But we don't have any other choice, I need to get Yamato to a bed where we can talk and he can rest. With another sigh, I pull out of the parking lot and head for my apartement building, glancing over at the silent boy beside me from time to time. His head is still buried in his knees, and he's shaking like hell. Damn it, this is my fault for sure this time, I shouldn't have made him go out today. We could have went to a quiet, isolated spot where no one could scare him, but noo, instead the asshole that I am made us go play a contact sport with a bunch of other kids. If I ever used my head, I should have been able to foreseen something like this. Baka, baka, baka, I repeat over and over in my head. You'd think that by now I'd have learned to think ahead. Baka!

I swirve into the parking lot of my family's apartement building while pounding the steering wheel in time to my self name calling. By the time I've shut off the engine, I'm ready to beat myself up for being such an unfeeling bastard. Why, oh why do I hurt Yama like this? "Fucking idiot!" I bang my forehead into the steering wheel, ignoring the pain of the hard plastic digging into my skin, "Damn fucking asshole!" I didn't even realize I was swearing at myself out loud until I felt a touch on my shoulder and looked up into the frightened and confused watery blue eyes staring at me. Quickly I broke the gaze, feeling unworthy of his concern, and slammed my way out of the car.

Making my way around to his side, I tear the door open and reach in more calmly to carry him out, but Yamato shakes his head, "No... I can walk." His voice sounds strained, like he's trying not to cry again. He slowly steps out of the car and stands up, looking very shaky on his feet. After locking up the doors, I wrap my arm around his waist, giving him support while we slowly walk to the apartement, both not saying a word.

When we got through my door, Yamato was shaking again, and I quit my self loathing for the time to pull him closer to me, trying to comfort him. We headed straight for my room, but we had to pass the living room where my father looked up from the television. Narrowing his eyes at how I was holding Yamato, he ignored my koibito to talk to me in a forced patient voice, "Tai, where do you think you're going with him?" Even though he's accepted my relationship with Yamato, my father doesn't trust or like it one bit. He doesn't believe in the least that it's right for two boys to be in love, that it's not normal. That's why I usually hang around at Yamato's house instead of here.

I glare over at him, "We're going to my room, and don't even think of bothering us," He starts to open his mouth but I cut him off, "Just leave off! Yama-chan has had a really rough day, and believe me, I would rather go to his house, but we can't. So just deal with it!" And with that I lead Yamato to the bedroom that me and my sister share. Fortunately she's out with mom shopping today so I don't have to put up with her questions and motherly concerns. Slamming the door behind me, I lock it and take Yamato to my bed, sitting on it with him on my lap.

Yamato leans against me miserably while I rock him gently, trying to soothe away his pain. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I ruined the game, and... and hurt Koushiro... I'm sorry..." He whispers, trembling.

"No Angel, you have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault, you couldn't help it. And Koushiro is fine, don't even think about it, okay? If it's anybody's fault, it's m..." I quickly bite my tongue on that, knowing Yamato hated it when I blamed myself, and I really didn't want to upset him now. But Yamato already figured out what I was about to say as he pushed away slightly to look into my eyes.

"No it's not Taichi," his voice is a lot calmer now, "It's not your fault... really. I didn't have to go play you know, I wanted to. Please don't put the blame on yourself, it's nobody's fault... it just happened, okay?" His beautiful azure eyes plead to me to listen to him. I guess he's right, I didn't actually force him to go, he agreed to it, kind of.

Sighing heavily, I smile at him to show him I agree, and gently brush some blonde hair out of his eyes, leaning down to place a soft kiss on his forehead. "Okay Angel, you're right, I'm sorry." Yamato sighs as well, leaning his head back against my shoulder, "You tired love?" I ask him, falling backwards on the bed so that I'm lying down with him on my chest.

Yamato mumbles something that I take as an affirmative, and tucks his head beneath my chin. I guess he would be tired after all that excitement. Lord, I wish so badly to take away his pain, but he just won't let go of it. I hope that one day he'll be able to push it back and face the world again without fear.

Feeling tired out myself, I was about to drift off to sleep when I remembered I had to do one more thing before we could sleep. "Yama-chan? Yamato... where're your pills?" He mutters something about them being in a sock drawer at home. Quickly I sit up, not letting Yamato go off into dreamland as I know very well the consequences of that.

The blonde slumps against me, groaning in his half asleep state, "What're you doing Tai... I'm so tired..." As he starts to nod off again, I shake him, standing up and pulling him with me. "Wha...?" His blue eyes widen in confusion as he stares at my obviously worried face.

"You can't go to sleep without those pills, you know that Yama. Especially after what happened today." His thin body visibly shudders, and he pulls away while running a hand through his mussed golden hair.

"Yeah... yeah, you're right... sorry." Yamato swayed a bit on his feet, but managed to stay standing as he walked over to the window looking out over the city. I hear him sigh sadly and he leans against the window sill, then speaks, "Taichi... what am I going to do? I'm so fucking messed up." He doesn't look at me but I can see his shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs. Quietly I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his slender waist, pulling him backwards into my body. I can't stand seeing him like this, it cuts me up inside, tears at my heart. My poor, poor Yama, I hate to see him cry. He's so fragile inside now, the slightest cause of hurt breaks him, sucks him dry. And here I am, about as much use as a dead doorknob, trying to comfort him when as usual, I'm the cause of his pain. God, if I knew it wouldn't kill him, I'd probably have killed myself by now with how much I keep screwing things up, making his pain worse.

Rocking with his body a bit and nuzzling his pale neck, I whisper soothing words into his ear, trying to calm him, to trust me. "Shh, it's alright Yama-chan, I'm here for you."

"Always and forever, right Taichi?" His voice comes out choked, almost scared. My soul cries out with his sorrow.

Smiling a bit, I stroke his golden hair with one hand, and he relax's a bit, leaning back into my shoulder. "Always and forev-" Suddenly I'm cut off by a rude banging on the door. Yamato immediatly stiffens and pulls away, continuing to stare blankly out the window. We both know who's at the door.

Cursing beneath my breath, I yell out, "What do you want? I told you to leave us alone!" I kick at a dirty sock out of my way and glare at the wooden barricade.

My dad's voice booms through it, "Taichi! Get out here now, we need to talk. It's important." Important my ass. Nothing's more important than my Yama.

"About what?!" I stubbornly yell back, watching Yamato's stiff back as he leans his forehead against the glass.

"About your grandmother, now stop yelling and come. Matt can stay there." My father's voice was firm, and I knew he was getting impatient.

With a sigh I turn towards the door, "I'll be right back Yama-chan, okay? Don't worry, and don't go to sleep!" He nods without looking, so I shrug and yank the door open after unlocking it to see my father's retreating back heading towards the living room as he beckons me to follow. He sits down on the couch, and with a glare I silently collapse into a chair near by, waiting for him to get this over with. If this is about my sex preferences, I am going to scream and kick his ass.

Instead my father sighs, "Taichi, your grandmother is very ill right now, on the edge of death. I'm afraid we are going to have to go down to her for awhile okay? We're leaving tomorrow, so I want you to start packing and say goodbye to your... uh, friend."

Uh... I think my mind just blanked out on me. All I can do is stare at my serious looking father as if he just said the craziest thing in the world. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. I shake my head a bit and ask, "What?"

"You heard me." Was his only stern reply. Okay, let me get this straight... he wants me to just pack up and head out for who knows how long when my boyfriend really, desperately needs me? I mean, is he serious? My Grandmother lives miles and miles away, in the middle of nowhere. I can't leave Yamato alone like that! Not right now, that's just not right. He won't like this, not one bit.

Flying to my feet, I glare angrily at my father, on the verge of exploding, "Can't I stay here? I can't leave! I'm old enough to stay here alone!"

He calmly stares back at me, not even blinking, "Is that very fair of you? Don't you think your grandmother would like to see you one last time before she goes?" Man, I can't even argue with him! I... I... Dammit, I don't know what to do!

"FINE! You just enjoy ruining my life so much, don't you?!" With that one last yell, I stomped back to my room, only to run into a very stressed looking blonde standing at the doorway. He stared at me as if he didn't know what to make of me. I stared back sadly, not sure of what to say.

He spoke first, in a betrayed voice that made my heart sink, "You... you're... leaving?"

I grabbed him in a hug, not caring if my father saw us, just needing to feel him against me. "I'm sorry Yama-chan, I'm so, so sorry, I have to... I don't want to, believe me. I'm sorry..." I choked back a sob, knowing that I needed to act strong for him as he trembled in my hold. But before I could say anything else, he pulled back, avoiding my gaze.

"Whatever, it's only for a bit, I can take care of myself for a little while you know." I could hear a hint of anger in those words. I just silently nodded and wrapped him up again, letting him relax in my arms while I apologized again. "It's okay Taichi... I... I'll be alright. I understand... really, I do. You have to go. I don't mind, honest."

I sniffed a bit, then nodded again and held him back, staring into his pained azure eyes. I wanted to capture every breathtaking detail of them before I left. This would be the first time we'd be apart for so long since I first ran away from him. Even then it wasn't long before we were together again. But I shouldn't worry so much, he is a grown boy after all and doesn't need me taking up his space every second of the day. He'll be okay, I'll make sure he stays at Takeru's house since his dad can't be there for him all the time. After taking a few minutes to convince myself that we'd both be fine apart for a little while, might even enjoy the break (which I didn't believe for a second), I grinned at him brightly, trying to lighten the mood. "Alright then, my beautiful Angel," I grin wider at his light blush, and sling an arm around him, leading him back into my room, "Do you think you could help me pack? I need someone to keep me on track as I tend to let my attention wander easily, ne?"

Feeling delighted at his small smile, I chatter about unimportant matters of life while we go through my clothes and choose what I should bring. I really hope this trip doesn't last for more than a few days, I'm really going to miss my Yama. I'll be thinking about him the whole time my grandmother's dieing, and right now I am selfishly almost hoping she'll have a quick death, letting me get back sooner. Not that I want her to die or anything. Well... the only thing I'm wishing for at the moment is for Yamato to be okay without me for awhile, for nothing to happen to him. Of course, he will have his father and brother... I shouldn't worry so much.

"Wow, nice undies Taichi!" Yamato giggles from behind me, and I turn only to have a handfull of boxers thrown in my face. Laughing back, I grab the nearest ball of socks and send them back at him. Soon we're in a full out clothing fight, laughing our heads off, and just not thinking about anything serious. I'm so glad he's taking this so well... God Yama, you don't know how much I'm going to miss you. And I know that inside, you're crying, and there's nothing I can do to help. Don't worry, I'll be back, I promised. You'll be just fine, I know you will be.

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(A/N) Yes, I'm pretty sure this will be continued! And I'd like to thank Starrysapphire for her great ideas, one or two of which I'll be using (already am) ^_^ And to everybody else who reviewed and gave me motivation to continue!

Don't forget to Review!!!!!!