Disclaimer: Don't own digimon or the characters...
happy? I didn't think so. Holding On: Part 4
Matt's POV:
A high pitched, and totally fake scream blasted out of
the television speakers as some hollywood actress stood dumbly in front
of the lamest monster I've ever seen. What a dumb, pointless and very unscary
movie this turned out to be. Stifling a yawn, I look over to the other
end of the couch to where my younger brother was curled up, his cerulean
eyes half closed as he watched the movie. Next time we decide to rent a
flick, I think I'll choose it. Takeru just has no sense of taste, he always
ends up getting either a lame horror show or a movie focusing on basketball.
Gag me.
This was my second night staying at his house, and according
to Taichi, I'll be staying here under brother supervision until he gets
back. Great, I feel like I've done some sort of crime and now am not to
be trusted. I'm not mad though, I know that Taichi is just being his good
old protective self and is trying to help me. Plus he probably feels better
this way.
Taichi... It's only been two days and already I miss my
koi, I don't know how I'm going to last the predicted one to two weeks!
I know, I'm all grown up and don't need someone to baby me, but I really
do feel so much safer with him nearby instead of thousands of miles away
where I can't reach him if I need him. All because of... of... well let's
just call it the incident... my self confidence and esteem have been shot
to bits. I can't help feeling like I'm contaminated and weak, I mean I
let them take... God, I can't even think about that without physically
choking. But anyway, you get the picture.
And then there's the dark hole trying to swallow me up,
trying to make me drop right off the edge into a never ending and inescapable
darkness. Crazy, ne? But that's what it feels like. I can't help the feeling,
it's just there and it won't go away. Well, not completely. Only almost
a week ago I had finally figured out the solution to pushing shadows away,
all I had to do was stay near Taichi, take in his love. That simple. Not
even my father or Takeru could do that, only my true love. Of course now
my koi has gone off for the next week or more and I'm left to be consumed
once more with my fears and inner demons. Maybe my brother can help fend
them off, with the help of some of our friends, keep me from going insane.
Well, maybe not all of our friends, just a couple of really, really good
ones. I don't think that Koushiro is going to want to hang around me anymore
after I totally flipped at that soccer game and just about broke his nose.
And I should cross Sora and Miyako off my list too as they looked pretty
shaken up over that, and would probably smother me with their over motherliness
anyway. And that could not help me one bit as, oh yeah, I'm claustrophobic!
Dammit, I'm so messed up, it's not even funny. No one can have any idea
how hard it is for me to just find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
With a depressed sigh I shift on the couch so that I'm
lying down on it with my head on the armrest, and stare up at the yellowy-white
ceiling. Taichi... my Taichi... That's what I need to focus on now. I can
clearly bring up his face in my mind, his wild brown hair that feels so
soft and thick in my fingers, his perfect smile and mischievious grin,
his sparkling deep chocolate eyes that I could get lost in for hours. Everything
about that gentle, caring, loving boy seemed perfect in my mind's eye.
Well... almost perfect, he did tend to get impatient, stubborn, hyperactive
and touchy at times. As well as the fact that he always seemed to act without
thinking. But that's what makes him seem so innocent and kawaii, most of
the time. Of course, I'm still trying to get over the fact that this boy
whom I've longed for since I first met him actually loved me back. It seems
so unreal... but I know it isn't. We have had to go through so much to
finally be together, especially me...
No! Won't think about that, block those thoughts out of
my mind. Got to think of happy things, like Taichi... like the last wonderful
thing he did for me before he left with his family...
~Two days ago~
Avoiding eye contact with any passing human, I let myself
be led towards a quiet area of the park, my arm linked with Taichi's own
tanned one. I was starting to have my doubts about this little excursion
as I was quite happy with staying at home with him, away from the prying,
and to me, cruel eyes. But I kept my fears to myself and looked up as my
koi finally slowed down. I was surprised to see that no other people were
around, which meant that I can relax now. I'd only ever come out to the
park, or anywhere in the the city for that matter, with someone close to
me, preferably Taichi or my brother.
"Let's sit here for awhile, okay?" I look over at Taichi
who has his cute grin aimed at me, and I agree immediately, liking how
the loud city noises were muted here. I really can't believe that in a
couple of hours Taichi will be gone, and I won't see him again for at least
a week, maybe even longer. I know I can be strong, but I need Taichi and
I know I'll miss him badly once he's gone.
We sit down in the green grass, me stiffly and Taichi
relaxed. After a few moments of silence, Taichi reaches over and pulls
me into him, letting me lay my head on his shoulder as we stare out over
the lake. Finally Taichi speaks, never one to cope with silence, "I'm going
to miss you Yama-chan, I really am..."
"You make it sound like we're never going to see each
other again," His chocolate eyes widen at my casual comment and he pushes
me away a bit so he can look into my own blue eyes.
"I didn't mean it like that, I'll be back in two weeks
at the most, probably even sooner." I can see he's trying his best to be
comforting, so I give him a small smile and a nod.
"I know. I'll miss you too."
Taichi relaxes again but moves around so that he's facing
me directly, "Yama-chan? I... I have something for you... to help you..."
I can hear the hesitation in his voice, and I'm sure he's scared he's going
to mess up and hurt me somehow. When I don't say anything, he nervously
pulls something out of his pocket and holds it out to me. Curious, I peek
at his open hand, and gasp. A perfectly smooth stone ring is laying there,
swirling with all the shades of blue and sparkling with flecks of gold.
It's the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time.
As I just sit there gaping at it, Taichi clears his throat,
"Uh... it's for you. It's a promise ring." I blankly stare up at him as
he takes my hand and slides it on my right ring finger, "For however long
you keep this, I promise to always be there for you when I can, to never
leave you forever, to always come back. I promise to help you through anything
and never let that darkness swallow you whole. I promise... I promise to
love you... forever..."
Oh... my... god... Did he... did he think that all up
himself? Did he mean it all? Am I dreaming? This is almost too good to
be true, I can't believe Taichi would actually do something like this.
It's just... he never seemed to be the type to appreciate what this could
mean. But one look into his eyes and I can see he is more serious than
he has ever been in his life. Oh no... I can feel the tears building up,
man, I'm going to start bawling. This has to be the greatest gift I've
ever received... his promise.
As the tears start flowing down my cheeks I can see Taichi's
expression start to change to concern and fear, so before he can say anything
stupid I throw myself into his arms and sob happily into his shirt, holding
him for all I'm worth. "Oh... oh Taichi... oh god... I can't believe...
Oh thank you, th-thank you... You... you don't know h-how much this...
this means to me.... I love you... I love you Taichi... thank you..."
~Present Time~
Thinking back to that wonderful day I hadn't even realized
I had closed my eyes until I heard a small "eep" and then Takeru shaking
me, "Matt! You're not asleep are you? Did you take those pills?"
"Fuck the pills," I grumble, opening my eyes to see my
brother kneeling beside me, looking very worried. Sitting up I habitually
run my hand through my hair to calm myself and notice that the movie has
finally come to an end. I hate taking those pills to sleep, I've come to
despise medication very much, even if it does keep away my nightmares.
It's so hard relying on one little white pill to keep me sane while I sleep.
Takeru stands up and looks at the ground uncomfortably
before raising his concerned eyes to meet mine, "Hey oniichan? I'm sorry..."
Taken aback, I just stare at him for a few moments, trying
to figure him out. "About what?" I finally ask.
"About... about... I don't really know... just everything
I suppose," If anything, he looks ashamed. Then I feel my eyes widen in
greater shock as I see some crystal tears start to form in his eyes as
he blinks, trying to hide them. "I... I just don't like to see... to see
you hurt... and... and I-I'm scared that... that you... you're..." Before
he can get anymore out of his trembling mouth I grab my younger brother
into my arms, holding him in my lap as I bury my face into his soft hair.
I can feel him shaking in my grip as he hugs me tight.
"No... no Take-chan... no, I'm going to be okay... don't
worry about me... please. I'm sorry... I didn't mean to upset you. I'm
not going to leave, honest..." I keep mumbling soothing words into his
hair as I rock my brother in my arms. I can't believe this, all this time
I was so worried about myself and Taichi that I had forgotten how this
all might be affecting Takeru. I hadn't meant to hurt him, I just never
thought about it like this. Especially after what happened at that soccer
game we had, when Taichi told me how worried my brother had looked while
I was freaking out. I just hadn't realized how worried he was.
It took more than a few minutes for both of us to calm
down, but once we did the only thing I did was grab a pill from the bottle
on the table beside us and pop that in my mouth with a swallow of water
before we settled down on the couch. We just silently watched a late night
cartoon while seeking comfort in each other's company. It wasn't long before
I slipped off into another dreamless sleep, still holding my dozing brother,
already feeling as safe as I did with Taichi.
"'Love you, 'niichan" Takeru's soft whisper reached my
ears, but I fell asleep before I could answer back.
~~~~~~
The first thing I woke up to was a pair of wide cinnamon-brown
eyes inches from my own. "Shit!" I jumped back, falling over the arm rest
of the couch and landing on the floor with a thump. Groaning, I sat back
up, rubbing my head where I had hit it on something and glared at the goggled
headed boy who was laughing his head off back on the couch.
"Keru-chan! Matty-poo is awake!" The irrepressible Motomiya
called out, still giggling from his perch on the arm rest. Daisuke Motomiya...
my brother's boyfriend, and as much as I like him, he can be just so damned
annoying sometimes.
Ready to strangle him, I leapt to my feet with a growl,
"Don't you EVER call me that and don't you EVER wake me up with your ugly
face in mine again, is that clear?!" Yeah, so I'm definitely not a morning
person. With that I shoved him from the arm rest onto the floor and flopped
back down onto the couch, glaring angrily at nothing in particular with
my arms crossed over my chest.
"Dai-chan! I hope you're not bothering my brother!" Takeru's
stern voice floated through the kitchen door along with the smell of breakfast.
"Oow," Daisuke sat up wincing and rubbing his back, but
when he saw my glare the grin was right back on his face, "Of course not
Keru-chan, he's just excited to see me!" Was his reply yell as he stood
up and brushed himself off. Then he turned back to me, keeping his friendly
Tai-like grin wide, "So Matt, shall we eat?"
With a sigh and a shrug I shook my head in answer, "Nah...
not hungry. You guys go ahead." I really wasn't feeling hungry at all,
actually I haven't been hungry for quite awhile now. It seems to me the
last time I ate was two days ago. I had managed to skip out on dinner yesterday
by telling my brother I had already eaten before I came over, which of
course I hadn't eaten a bite all day. Deep down I knew that this was a
bad thing, but my mind's argument was that food wasn't going to fill the
emptiness inside of me anyway, so what was the point?
Takeru walked into the room right then with a plate piled
high with toast and jam (his specialty) and another with waffles in the
other hand. "Here ya are guys. Eat up!" He sat them down on the table,
and Daisuke jumped right up and started inhaling a piece of toast, at least
that's what it seemed like. "Uh, Matt? You going to eat or what?" I just
stayed in my sprawled position on the couch and didn't even glance at my
brother. Kinda rude, I know, but I just wasn't in a very good mood this
morning. Might have something to do with the knowledge that my life, what's
left of it, is going down the drain.
"He's... not... hungry." Daisuke helpfully informed us
between a bites of his waffle that he now had, bits of it flying out over
the table, which did little to help my appetite.
"Oh really...?" A blond eyebrow rose questioningly in
my direction waiting for a better excuse than that, or a reason behind
it. Without answering, not about to get into an argument this early in
the day, I just shrug and turn away, then wince as a sharp pain shoots
through my head. Damn it, not another headache already, this was going
to be one hell of a day with the way it was already starting. I've been
getting these terrible migraines almost everyday, except for the last three
days I've been lucky. I thought maybe I was finally over them. Guess not.
"Matt? You okay?"
Through bleared eyes I see my brother's worried frown
and try to give him a reassuring smile, but then the next lance of pain
tears through my head and I end up groaning instead. Now I have Takeru
really worried, and even Daisuke has stopped his frantic stuffing to send
a concerned glance my way. Takeru is making his way over to me but I jump
up and run to the bathroom. There's no way I'm going to take their sympathy
and pity, I can get through this just fine without them crowding me. Takeru's
yell follows me as I slam the door shut and lock it before collapsing on
the floor holding my head. It's starting to feel like a vice is squeezing
it, trying to crush my skull. The pain is becoming unbearable. As I grind
my teeth against a painful scream, I can feel the tears sliding out of
my eyes. Damn this hurts, why does this keep happening to me? All I want
is to forget the past completely, but it won't leave me alone! Oh man...
I can't stand pain... make it go away, please! I miss Taichi, I want him
here to comfort me, I need him. Not my brother, or his boyfriend... just
Taichi, he can always take away the pain.
I'm curled up on the floor now, just trying to sink into
the cold tiles forever as I try not to cry out at the agony in my head.
Through my pain filled mind I can hear my brother yelling for me to open
the door but I can't move now, it'll just make it worse. Damn, damn, damn!
I've got to get over this fast, it's hurting my brother as well. Can't
think... oh God it hurts...
I don't know how long I huddled there before I felt my
brother's arms around me. I didn't open my eyes, the light always makes
my headaches worse, but I'm guessing they picked the lock. My mouth tastes
like blood from biting my tongue so hard to keep from screaming and worrying
everybody even more, but once I felt Takeru's hug I couldn't keep from
sobbing, "Tai-Taichi... I-I want Taichi..." The words just tore from my
throat before I could think, realizing afterwards how bad that sounded
when my own brother was the one trying to comfort me. But it's so hard
to think around the pain.
"Shh, I know, it's okay 'niichan, Tai will be here before
you know it..." Takeru's soft soothing voice kept whispering in my ear,
and slowly the pain started to reside and my sobs cease with it. After
what felt like an eternity, my head was left with just a dull ache. As
my head cleared I tried to stand up, only to find my muscles wouldn't respond,
probably too weak from not eating properly. "Dai-chan, come help me move
him back to the couch. It's too cold here and I don't want him getting
sick on top of everything else," I felt another arm slip around me, my
eyes still shut against the lights as they helped me into the living room,
carefully setting me down on the couch again. I'm such a weak baby, I hate
other's seeing me like this, I'm completely pathetic.
"You want something to eat now Matt?" I shook my head
slowly, now that my appetite was 100 percent gone. I heard a sigh and opened
my eyes halfway to find both boys kneeling in front of me, concern written
all over their faces. When I didn't say anything still, Takeru sighed again,
"Well... you tired? or... or do you want to watch tv or something? Or what?"
"Tv" I mumble, avoiding their stares, feeling very uncomfortable.
And I certainly didn't want to take any more pills now. Daisuke nodded
and quickly turned on the television set, handing me the remote, then they
both stood up and sat down on either side of me. I guess they're just trying
to be of comfort to me, and I don't mind that much. But still embarrassed
over my display back there I decide to ignore them and started to flip
through the channels. Hmm, not much on today... infomercial... Barney...
soap opera... aliens... ah, the news. Setting down the remote, I lay back
against the cushions and start to watch a reporter describe a robbery of
over 5 million at some huge corporation. Half listening to the report,
I stared down dreamily at my beautiful ring, thinking of Taichi, and didn't
notice the change of stories until I heard a familiar name. Confused, I
look back up at the tv and listen in growing horror at the report from
some news lady. A ball of ice started growing in my stomach, and I think
I'm hyperventilating, but it's hard to tell with the room tilting like
this...
'Yesterday a high school student was released
from juvenile on probation with the help of his lawyer who managed to argue
well in his defence. The student was arrested barely a month ago for gang
rape and beating of a fellow student...'
Suddenly the tv went blank, but I hardly noticed as
I stared uncomprehendingly at it, feeling the terror filling up inside
of me. Faintly I was aware of urgent voices in my ears and someone shaking
me, but I couldn't understand, couldn't react. This seemed so unreal, like
that nightmare coming back. They couldn't mean... they just couldn't be
talking about ... about him... and... and me! They just couldn't be...
Oh please no, please... I don't want him to be free... free to come after
me again! Suddenly the room spun around crazily and then the terrified
fear overwhelmed me and my world went black.
~***~
Tai's POV:
It's very late at night, or maybe it's really early in
the morning, as the big old grandfather clock in the hallway gives out
one bong then the house fills with silence once more. Stiffening for what
seemed the hundredth time that night, I quietly listen for any movement
from the rooms above me, trying to figure out if anybody woke up from the
noise. I really hate that clock, it makes me jump everytime it chimes at
every hour and half hour. Relaxing as the house remains silent, I turn
back to the program I've been watching on television. We're staying in
our grandparents' old house for now as my grandfather has been staying
at the hospital with my sick and dying grandmother. It's not a bad place,
the house that is, it's just old and seems about to collapse on our heads
at any moment. At least it has cable and telephones, so my grandparents
aren't all that primitive, allowing me to keep in touch with the outside
world.
So what am I doing up this late at night watching tv and
trying not to get caught? Man, I'd be in MAJOR trouble if my parents found
out, especially if they saw just what I was watching. Right in front of
my now not so innocent wide eyes, one muscular black haired dude is seeming
to be trying to swallow another dude's dick whole. Both of them are slick
with sweat and drool, moaning and groaning as the one guy seems about to
climax. That's right, I'm watching gay porn. And right now I'm not sure
whether I want to hurl at how these guys are going at it like animals or
if I want to be doing the same thing to MY boyfriend. Actually, that's
kinda the whole reason I'm watching this in the first place, for the experience.
I've never had sex before, no matter what everyone thinks, so I have to
learn somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Now staring
at the bright screen in morbid fascination, I can't help but imagine my
Yama in some of those positions... Alright, I'm sick, I know, but how can
any hormone frenzied teenager NOT think about stuff like this... it's just...
Yama... he's so beautiful, I mean absolutely, wonderfully beautiful. He's
the only one I ever want, and I want him so bad, I want him to be mine
forever, I want us to be together for all eternity and all that jazz. And
of course to my young virgin mind, that means sex to help seal the deal.
You see, I have this one big problem that will probably
never leave me, I tend to block things I don't want to see or think about
out of my mind. And right now while I'm watching these two guys fuck each
other silly, I'm blocking out the idea that Yamato might never want to
have sex with anyone ever again. He's just too torn up over what happened
to him, and I don't blame him, but I'm definently not happy about it. I
don't know if he'll ever get over it. But I truly love him, and will always
stick by his side, no matter what he does or doesn't want. I'll live, I
just want what's best for him. My mind is at the moment automatically locking
most of this stuff out so I don't have to worry about my future and can
just live happily in my momentary daydream. Ah well, one of these days
I'll take the time to think everything through.
It's been just about three days since I left my Angel,
and I haven't stopped thinking about him for a minute. I especially can't
get over the expression on his face in the park, before we parted, when
I gave him that ring. It was a special ring, and it had taken me practically
forever to find the perfect one... the lady who sold it to me said it was
a promise ring, I give it to the one I love and promise them something
special. I picked out the blue one because it reminded me of Yamato's crystal
blue eyes, and I had hoped he would like it and know what it would mean.
And what a reaction I got! It was more than I had hoped for, but the look
on his face told me I did what was probably the best thing I ever could
have done. His pale face brightened with happiness and his eyes glowed
with love and tears, and before I knew it he was hugging and sobbing into
me, telling me how much it meant to him and how much he loved me. It meant
much to me as well. I can't wait to see him again... I think I'll phone
him tomorrow, just to hear his sweet melodious voice again. Heh, I know
this late night hentai is really starting to get to me when I get all poetic
and mushy!
The clock lets out another bong, telling me it's 1:30am,
and I'm thinking bed time as well. My poor brain has taken in enough sick
dirt to last me a life time. With a huge yawn, I flick off the television
set and stretch. This has been a long day, and I'm exhausted, not to mention
my now rotted mind. In a slow shuffle, I make my way to the room I'm sharing
with my sister (I never get my own room!). There is only one bed in there
so I had chosen the floor out of brotherly love for my sister. As I crawled
through the darkness in search of my sleeping bag, I can hear my younger
sister's steady breaths, telling me that she is fast asleep. Which is good,
as I wouldn't want to lie to her about what I was doing up so late. Finally
I found what I was feeling for and quickly crawled into the warmth of my
thick sleeping bag, these old houses were sure chilly at night. Soon I
was comfortable and let myself slowly drift off to sleep.
I was woken up what seemed like only minutes later by
a loud ringing, and when I checked the glowing clock on the bedside table
I found out it
was only minutes later as it now showed 1:42 in big
red numbers. Confused, I fumbled around for my shirt and quickly slipped
it on as I sleepily stood up out of the warmth. The ringing wasn't stopping
and I could hear the floor boards creaking above me as one of my parents
went for the phone. Who the hell would be stupid enough to call this late
at night? Oh no... I hope my grandmother hasn't passed away while we were
sleeping. Through the ceiling a muffled voice was heard, and then my name
was gruffly yelled through it, telling me to pick up the phone. Kari was
now sitting up in bed, sleepily rubbing her eyes and staring around in
confusion like me.
Who would be phoning for me? Curious I step out of the
bedroom to the kitchen where the other phone hung on the wall and picked
it up. "Hello?" My voice came out all cracked and weird with sleep, so
I cleared my throat and tried again, "Hello? Taichi here."
A small and almost scared sounding voice reached my ears,
but my tired mind wasn't letting me in on who it was, "Tai? I'm sorry,
I didn't want to wake you guys, but this is really important... Tai? You
there?"
My eyes snapped back open as I realized they were drooping
shut and found out that I was still on the phone, "Hai? Who is this?"
"It's me, Takeru, Tai I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" His voice
started to get hysterical.
"Woah, calm down... what are you sorry for?" Takeru, phoning
me this late at night, sounding like he just committed murder could only
add up to one thing... Yamato... oh god. Suddenly I was wide awake, "Takeru!
What happened? Tell me!"
"It's... it's Yamato, he's..."
"Yama!? What's wrong with him? Is he hurt? What-"
"TAI! Shut up for a moment, he's not hurt... as far as
I can tell anyway." Quickly I take a deep breath, trying to slow down my
racing heart. From what Takeru had sounded like, I had thought Yamato had
died or something. "It's just... well, Matt is sort of freaking out right
now..."
"Freaking out? Over what? What's going on?" Something
must have scared Yama bad. Oh man, I'm so sorry for leaving him, even if
I did have no choice. I knew something bad was going to happen if I left.
"Okay... I know you're really not going to like to hear
this, but we were watching tv and the news came on... and, Tai..."
"What?! What about the news?" The kid was really trying
my patience, especially as a flood of fear and guilt was trying to break
over me.
But then the next two cold words reached my ears, letting
that flood break, "Seb's free." Oh shit no, this can't be good. No wonder
Yamato is having a fit! Seb... oh my god, that bastard! How could they
let him out of jail after what he did? This is bad... no this is worse
than bad! Yamato can barely get through life with Seb locked up, how's
he going to now that he's free? Fuck... "Alright, I'm coming home as soon
as I can... try to get him calmed down or something in the meantime." I'll
go home and make sure Yamato doesn't hurt himself, and I don't care what
my father says. I need to make sure my Angel is okay, I need to help him...
he needs me. I've said this before, and I'll say it again... this is all
my fault. I always leave him to get hurt...
~***~
Matt's POV:
"Oniichan? Snap out of it, please!"
I can hear the voice, my brother's voice, but I can't
understand it. It's all a mixed blur of jumbled sounds that barely penetrate
the roar in my head. His face is in front of my wide eyes, but I can't
see him, can't focus, the whole world is spinning in a blur of colors and
light. No... no leave me alone 'toutochan... go away. I feel like... like
I'm dead. I can't feel my body, it's like I'm floating above it watching
my rocking form and my brother crying for me to listen to him. It's like
a dream... and I don't want to wake up. If I do then he might get me. I
don't want to go through it again... the pain, it's too much. Can't wake
up, can't let him hurt me again. God help me...
A knock at the door... I wonder how long I've been like
this. It seems like hours, like seconds, like years. All I can do is sit
here and try not to think about anything that matters. I won't let him
hurt me, I won't feel the pain anymore. Another person has entered the
room, I think. I can hear a different voice blending in with my brother's,
one that sounds familiar. No... can't think, can't wake up. Faintly I can
hear the two people talking beside me, both sounding tired and worried.
I wish I knew why. I hope I'm not hurting anybody, I just don't want to
feel the pain again.
'How long has he been like this?'
'Since early this morning, he... he just woke up and
now won't speak or anything'
'Damn it... Yamato, can you hear me? It's Taichi.'
Taichi? Is that who it is? I'm glad he's here, if it
isn't just part of my wishful imagination. Maybe I should wake up now and...
No! wait, I can't, not while he's still out there. Got to stay here, safe,
don't want to hurt...
'Please Yama-chan... please talk to me, I'm here and
I won't let anyone hurt you.'
No... no... no... no... don't you see? I can't talk,
he might find me. You can't be here for ever.
'I've tried everything, he just won't respond!' Takeru's
voice sounds terrible, he should go to sleep.
'Not everything. I... Angel please, I don't want to have
to do this...'
Do what Taichi? Please, just leave me alone.
'Fine, if that's the way you're going to be. Just don't
say I didn't give you a chance, this is for your own good. Now WAKE UP!"
His yell was followed by a large stinging sensation on my right cheek.
Pain! No...That did it. Swiftly I was pulled back into my mind and quickly
held up a hand to my cheek feeling it's sting. He... he slapped me! Taichi,
the one I love, hit me! I don't believe it.... why? Why would he do such
a thing? He knows I hate pain, I thought he'd said he would never hurt
me again.
"Yama-chan! You back with us now Angel?" I felt stupid
as I could only stare at the one person I had trusted most in the world.
He hit me...
I could see the worry, fear and partial confusion in Taichi's
large chocolate eyes as he stared back, searching my face for something.
Then he reached over to place a hand on me and before I knew it I was flinching
away feeling my eyes start to fill with tears while I shook my head in
denial. Taichi's face filled with hurt and understanding, "Yama-chan, I'm
sorry. But I had to, you were in shock or something and that's what I was
supposed to do to get you out of it. I honestly meant nothing by it, I
love you." I could see the sincerity in his eyes as they stared fearfully
into mine. I wanted to just feel his arms around me right then, but...
"You... hit... me," My voice was full of shock and betrayal,
I couldn't help it. It hurt.
Taichi winced and looked away guiltily, "I... I know Yama-chan,
but I had to, don't you understand? I was scared, you weren't responding
to anything, it was the only way. Please understand," His eyes turned back
to mine full of pleading and... was it fear? Fear that I would leave him?
Before any more doubts about his love could get
to me I fell against him, unable to stop the sobs that shook my whole body. I felt his arms wrap around me and I realized how much I had missed his
comforting embrace in only the few days he had been gone. "Shh, it's okay
Angel, I won't let you go." His whisper tickled my ear as he rubbed slow
circles on my back. I love Taichi so... so much. He's right,
he had to slap me out of my stupor, he hadn't really meant to hurt me.
For a moment I almost relaxed in his arms, but then
the reason for my break down in the first place came rushing back to me
until I was shaking so bad I thought I would go into a seizure, "He...
h-he's... b-b-back... T-Taichi"
"I know, I know Angel. But I'm here now, and
nobody will hurt my Yama-chan ever again while I can help it. You're
safe, he can't hurt you here... I promise." The arms tightened around me
as he whispered soothing words to me. I wish I could believe, but
it's so hard to after all that had happened. I trust Taichi, and
I know he'll do his best to protect me, but it's so hard not to be afraid
that I'll get caught alone one day without him around.
I'm so scared, so scared of getting hurt again. I don't even know why the fear is so strong, it doesn't really make any
sense, but it's there all the same. So afraid of pain... but just
being here with Taichi holding me I can't help but feel a little safer. In fact the fear almost vanishes whenever he's touching me, or even near
me. Sniffing, I finally stopped the flood of tears as I look up into
that beautiful face I love so much, "Arigatou Taichi, aishiteru." His eyes
light up again at my words, making me crack a tiny smile for him.
Taichi gives me his famous grin and hugs me again
tightly, "Aishiteru Yama-chan, my Angel."
A sudden thought strikes me, "Taichi? Why and how
are you here anyway? Did you guys get back early or something?"
The brown haired boy grinned sheepishly, "Actually
I kind of ran out and took the bus here when my dad wouldn't drive me. He thought my grandmother is more important then my poor Angel. And
as to why... well Takeru phoned me in the middle of the night telling me
you were freaking out and I needed to get over here right away."
I couldn't help but stare at him in amazement,
"You... you did that for me? You're dad's going to be very mad with you,
you know."
"I don't care what he thinks, I had to come. And of course I did that for you, I promised you I would never leave you
forever and I'll always be here when you need me." I couldn't believe
how quickly Taichi can always calm me down when I think the world has come
to an end. It's a miracle I had ever lived without him before. "I'm
so sorry I left you in the first place. If I hadn't, I could have..."
And I can't believe how fast he can screw up everything.
Slowly I push away as he trails off and I wonder
what my expression looks like as I glare through hooded eyes at him. So Taichi is still feeling guilty, he always thinks everything that happens
is his fault. I can't stand it when he does that, blames himself
for something he has no control over. He knows I hate it, and I've
told him before how I hate it. "You could have what, Taichi?" My
voice comes out low, almost angry. I'm not really mad at him, I know
he can't help it, but lately my fears have not been helping my mood swings
at all. I don't want him feeling guilty over me, it'll just complicate
our relationship even more.
"Yama-chan..." He's avoiding eye contact again,
running his fingers through my hair in a way that makes me just want to
melt into him.
"You could have what?" I don't melt, I'm a stupid
baka with too much stubborness in me to let something go that easily.
"I... I could have... uh..." Taichi stops, then
sighs and rests his head against my shoulder, "I don't know..." he finishes
lamely.
Suddenly I feel very drained and very bad for making
Taichi feel bad, I just want to go to sleep and hope to wake up feeling
all of my fears and problems disappear and to only wake up with Taichi
by my side forever, "Exactly..." I whisper in a tired voice, leaning once
again into his chest, which was still soaked from my previous break down. I'm such a wreck, why am I even still alive? You'd think that with the
way all these problems have plagued me relentlessly I would have gone nuts
by now and just ended it all. And maybe I would have, that darkness
would have swallowed me long ago, except I can't leave. I couldn't
hurt Taichi like that. I'm just so sick and tired of everything that
causes me to act like this. And now that he's out, I'm going
to be a complete nervous wreck. How will Taichi be able to stand
being around me? I have to try to get this under control before I
either do something stupid or lose my Taichi.
"Come on, you're exhausted. We'll sort out
everything in the morning. I'll stay here with you tonight, okay?"
Taichi stood up as I nodded, pulling me to my feet. I finally lifted
my eyes and stared around the bright room. Takeru wasn't in sight,
he must have retreated to his room awhile ago once he saw that Taichi had
things under control. He's probably peeved off at having to stay
up almost the whole night looking after me, well I didn't ask him to babysit
me! Gah... stop it Yamato, you're doing it again. I shook my head vigorously
to wipe out any nasty thoughts. Taichi noticed my movement, "What?"
I shook my head again and muttered, "Nothing." Taichi watched me for a second, before shrugging and leading me to the
bedroom I was staying in while I was here, his arm holding me up literally. Once in the room Taichi quickly pulled off my shirt and his own, then handed
me my pills from the table. I hate them so much, but I know I have
to take them or hurt Taichi even more. Quickly I swallow one with
a grimace and a gulp of water then collapse into bed. Taichi crawls
in after me. My back is to him but almost right away his arms wrap
around me from behind, pulling me back into him. It feels so good
to go to sleep like this, feeling his warmth against my chilled skin. I sigh almost happily and cuddle deeper into him as my eyes close.
"Good night my Angel, I love you." Actually I think
it's well past morning now as I had spotted sunlight coming in through
the blinds, but that hardly registers in my tired brain.
"'night Taichi, 'love you too, " Were my last mumbled
words as I slipped once again into a blissful sleep, pushing all thoughts
of my fears away for a few hours. Taichi's here now, I'm not alone,
he'll keep me safe from my nightmares. I don't even want to think
about the rest of my life yet...
~~~~~~
(A/N) Ahem... uh, yes, I know they probably wouldn't
let someone off that easily for such a crime, but it's fiction ya know?
Anyway, if you have any good ideas for the next part PLEASE tell me, I
really don't know how to go on!!!!