Disclaimer: Alright, I'm finally tired of these, so go read the last eight (hundred?) disclaimers if you really want one!
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Holding On: Part Nine
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Matt's POV
Computers... ugh. I've never understood how people could prefer these complicated machines to nice, traditional hand writing. You have to be so damned patient to even use these things; waiting for programs to download, restarting after an error occurs, and just trying to get all the fingers to press down in the right places on the keyboard. It's just so annoying! Oh, did I mention that computer class is my least favorite of them all? Well, besides math I guess. And besides, with the speed of my typing, it would be a lot faster just to hand write everything anyway. The only thing keeping me from failing this course is Koushiro who sits next to me and somehow manages to make these monstrous things at least half understandable. Of course, the other reason that I could be hating this course so much is the fact that my Taichi-koi isn't in it with me. Yeah, I'm hopeless.
"Matt, pay attention. Your WPM will never improve if you keep halting in your progress just to day dream!" Koushiro annoyingly pokes me in the side, making me snap back to reality from where I was once again visualizing a certain someone.
Giving the brainiac red head a glare, I slap him back lightly, "Who says I want my Words whatever improved? I'm much happier back in dream land, thank you very much!" He snorts, shaking his head, and I can't help but grin back before sighing and squinting at the stupid screen again. As you can probably tell, I'm in a much better mood than I was a few days ago. Today is Wednesday, my third day back to school, and it's finally turning out to be alright. I was quite surprised by the reactions, expecting it to be how it was the last time I had come back. Monday wasn't the greatest, nobody knowing quite how to act whenever they saw me. Quite a few kids still glared and tried to put me down, but there were a surprising amount who really just seemed to shrug it off after throwing me a few curious glances. I had been more than willing to guess that everybody had known about my relationship with Taichi by then, but somehow I had managed to get through the day without any breakdowns or fights.
It was yesterday that really changed my assumptions of how everyone saw me. I was just heading from my lockers to the lunch room, directly behind Taichi, when a small group of girls pushed through to stand in front of me. I was so surprised that I really couldn't do anything but stand there and stare. Taichi, also noticing that something was up, just turned around and stood right behind them, looking ready to do some damage if they upset me. The head of the group, a tall green eyed blonde, finally spoke up. She spoke hesitantly, as if not sure of what she was about to ask.
"Gomen Yamato-san, but we just wanted to ask you a question." She waited for me to nod before continuing. Of course, I had a pretty good idea of what she was going to question me about, as did my boyfriend who suddenly got a hard look in his eyes. "Are you really gay? I mean, we heard rumors, but... you know. And we just want to make sure."
I blinked at the bluntness of the question, then nodded unsurly, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. "Yeah... I'm... gay."
Suddenly I was almost thrown backwards as the girls rushed to hug me, squealing like only girls can, "Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it!"
"That's soo adorable!" "Didn't I tell you guys!?" "Ooohh, so cute!" "Wait until we tell the others!"
Okay, I have to admit that by that point I was just beyond confused. I mean, why would they find me, being gay, adorable? I guess that's just the way girls are, and they'll never be understood. I just stood there awkwardly as the girls fired questions at me, and was just so shocked that I pretty much forgot to be panicked about the small space they were leaving me. Finally Taichi must of gotten sick of watching me surrounded by girls, and shoved through to grab my arm, "Excuse me ladies, but my koishii must be getting hungry by now. And I know I am, so if you'll so kindly back off..." More squeals of delight and laughter followed us as Taichi roughly pulled me towards the cafeteria. I'm still wondering if he had been just a bit jealous?
But the main thing is that I was accepted. They didn't care that I prefered boys to girls, they just thought, for some wierd girlish reason, that it was cute! Not everyone thinks that way, but I wasn't being completely pushed out of the way and labelled a fag for all eternity. Man, but was that ever an inspiring day!
"Earth to Matt! Have you been getting enough sleep? That's the fifth time this period that you've zoned out!" I grinned sheepishly at Koushiro who was just rolling his eyes in exasperation. After assuring him that I wasn't going to pass out or anything, I tried once again to pay attention to the letters that I was supposed to be typing out.
Ten minutes later the bell rang and I shut down the computer as fast as I could. Finally it's time to go home! In no time at all I had shoved my way to my locker and had exchanged unneeded books for the ones I would need for homework. Just as I shut the metal door and turned around I was caught up in a pair of familiar arms. "Yama-chan! I missed you so much!"
With a small, embarrassed laugh I managed to loosen his hold somewhat, "Taichi, stop it. It's only been an hour! People are staring." It was true, everyone who went by widened their eyes at the sight of Taichi's arms around me, not used to seeing two guys together like this.
The irrepressible brunette simply shrugs in reply and aims his mischievious grin at me, "That's okay, I love showing you off!"
My face reddens even more as I smack his head, muttering quietly, "Taichi no baka. You just don't know when to quit." He just smiles and rubs his head a little before taking my arm as he leads me through the halls towards the front doors. Once outside we start the short walk to the otherside of the park, heading for my apartment. Taichi slings an arm loosely around my waist and I can't help but think how perfect this feels, walking in the sunshine with the boy I love holding me. Once, something like this would have been just another small piece of my imagination, a wish that I had never thought likely to come true. But here we are, two guys in love and hoping to be together through all eternity. With a small, happy sigh I put my own arm around Taichi and hug him closer as we walk.
"My Angel," I hear Taichi murmer affectionately as he rubs my back a little, making my heart beat just a little harder with love. "How'd you make out today?" He's still worried that I might be having a real hard time being back out in the real world and all. I'm glad he is, it makes me feel safer to know he's here to protect me. It's the only reason I decided to try to overcome my fear of people in the first place.
"Pretty good." I shrug, not very good with describing my feelings anyway. "You?"
"Awesome. We're doing track right now in gym class and I've got one of the best times in the class! The coach thinks I should really join one of the teams, because I'm so great and all, but I told him I'm really into soccer and don't do all that long distance running stuff. You know..." I smile in content as I listen to the voice I love so much prattle on about sports and his skills. It's great when he goes on like this, then I can lean against him and just take pleasure in hearing the excitement in his voice and watch the way his hands move around gracefully as he describes the events of his day. Everything about him is perfect, just absolutely and wonderfully perfect.
It didn't take very long to reach my apartment once we were through the park, and I invited Taichi in for snack and maybe to do our homework together. I'm still way behind in everything and it's going to take a lot to get me back on track again. "Hey, I'm home!" I yell out, before remembering that my dad wouldn't be back until much later tonight, probably just in time for dinner knowing him. With an unconcerned shrug, I drop my school bag and head for the kitchen, my hungry boyfriend following close. "So, what d'ya want to eat?"
Taichi reply's with a grin, "At this point, anything even remotely edible. You know me." Yes I do, very well in fact. He can be a bottomless pit most of the time when it comes to food. Looking through the refridgerator I decided that I would need to go shopping very soon. I guess we'll just have to settle on a light snack of cookies.
With the large bag of chocolate chip cookies, we went back to my room to relax. I watch with mild amusement at the way Taichi gobbles up each one, hardly taking the time to chew. I can never get over how fast he is at eating. It's really quite adorable, but man, it would be torture trying to supply him with it all everyday. I guess we'd both have to have really good jobs, and I would probably end up cooking most of the meals seeing as he is only experienced in eating the stuff, not making it. That would be nice... coming home in the evening... preparing a nice meal for just the two of us... then afterwards we'd cuddle up on the couch, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears... or maybe in the bed... Woah, okay, maybe that's not the best path to be taking with my thoughts right now. But that is kind of strange; I just thought about sharing a bed with Taichi and didn't feel the slightest bit of fear. Looking up from the floor I stare at Taichi's profile, while he is reading some comic he found on the floor, and wonder what it would be like. The only experience that I've ever had with this sort of thing is pain. It hurt, and just thinking about it now brings back awful, painful memories. But... I mean, this is Taichi we're talking about here. It's a whole different matter with him. He's kind, he loves me, and, most important of all, he's gentle. He would never hurt me, right? But is sex even possible without pain? That's something I really know nothing about. It scares me, a lot, and I just don't think I could deal with more damage to my body.
Kami, but he's gorgeous though. Maybe... I don't know. This is the first time I've really even put any thought into going further into our relationship. Maybe it's just too soon, we've only been going out for a few months now. Of course I've known him for a lot longer than that, so that really isn't an issue. And then, I don't even know if Taichi would want to go further. Especially with me. Would he want to be with me like that knowing that some other guys have already used me? I've been turned into something ugly, my virginity ripped to shreds without choice, and fear of pain stands in the way. Why should he?
"Yama-chan? What's the matter?" Taichi's very concerned voice brings me back to the present and I notice bitterly that tears are leaking down the sides of my face. What the hell are with these stupid mood swings of mine anyway? Just moments ago I was plainly happy, and now I'm crying? See, this is why I tend to usually shove things deep down and away so that I don't end up thinking about them like this.
Quickly I wipe the offending tears away and give Taichi a pathetic smile, "Nothing, not a single thing." I know my denial sounds quite sarcastic, and it just ends up making hurt appear in the eyes that I love so much. With a resigned sigh I look away, feeling bad, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
Taichi crawls over to my side instantly and pulls me into his lap gently, rocking me like one would do for a baby. I would be offended if it didn't feel so relaxing. "It's okay koi, I know you don't want to talk about it. I just want to help, though," He tells me before kissing the side of my head. He really can be very sweet.
Already feeling a little better, I shift so I can wrap my arms around him as well, and nuzzle into his soft neck. I always feel so warm and safe when he holds me, like there's nothing to be afraid of. He really does want to help me, just like he has been all along, so I guess he deserves some of the truth. "I was just thinking..." I cut off, realizing that he's going to hate hearing me put myself down like I had been.
"About what?" Taichi prompts after a little while, still rocking me slowly. I know he can't stand me bottling up everything, but would he be offended if I did tell?
I sigh again, "About what... what had happened to me, and... and about us." He's going to hate me, how could he not? I am pretty much denying his loyalty to me after all.
"Us?" I can tell he's confused, and maybe hurt again, "I made you cry?"
"N-no. Its just... It wasn't you... It's me... I..." Abruptly I stop babbling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. It was impossible, I couldn't explain this to him, it was just too embarrassing and risky.
I feel Taichi's sigh in my hair before he starts rubbing my back a bit, "You can tell me you know. I don't like to see you upset." Slowly I pull away from him, suddenly getting the urge to look into those beautiful eyes of his and see the trust in them for myself. He looks right back at me steadily, as if trying to communicate his sincerity telepathically. I so badly want to tell him, ask him about it all and take in the assurance that he could give me, but I can't... I just can't. I hate myself so badly right now for the lack of courage. "Yama?"
Tugging fully away from his arms, seriously regretting it as the warm feeling fled, I stand up and look at him pleadingly. "Maybe we should start on homework now. I... I need some help with it."
Taichi doesn't say anything for a few moments as I watch the conflicting emotions speed across his face. I can tell he wants to persue the matter of what had me so upset, and I silently beg him with my eyes to let it go for now. Finally he nods slowly and stands up as well, not looking happy at all about this. "Alright... let's get started then." Thank the gods that I've got such an understanding boyfriend. I give him a grateful smile and run to retrieve my bag from the near the front door. He'll find out later, but I just need some time first to figure out what I want.
***
Tai's POV
"Dammit! How could they screw up like that?! They were wide open! Damn!" The man I call my father hits off on a round of curses as he angrily gestures at the television. They're losing, the football team he pretty much idolizes I mean, and that's reason enough to start a whopping third world war. I just let out a depressed sigh and sink further into the cushions of the couch. Usually I'm a lot more interested in the American sport, yelling at the tv right along side my dad, but tonight I just can't get into it. It's Yamato, well I guess that must have been pretty obvious, but he's got something going on inside of him again that I can't understand. I didn't even know anything was wrong until earlier today when he suddenly started crying for no apparent reason. I mean, if someone was hurting him, I'm sure I would have heard about it, but this didn't seem like that sort of thing. He wasn't hurt, as far as I could see, but something was bothering him. Something to do with me and him. I just wish that he would tell me so I could help with whatever it is, doesn't he want my help?
With another sigh I close my eyes, trying to figure it all out. I never was that great at guessing games, my impatience getting in the way, and this one seemed more impossible than most. Maybe I needed to see what was going on from another point of view or something. I don't know... "Kari! Boys! Dinner is on the table! Turn off that racket!" My mom's voice yells from the dining room. She can't stand football.
My father grumples something rude, making my sister roll her eyes before getting up from her chair to wander out of the room. Slowly I push myself up from the comfortable seat and make to follow Kari, but suddenly am stopped by my dad's hand on my arm, "Just a second Honey, I need to talk to Taichi first. You two go ahead."
Hesitantly I turn around, wondering what this was all about but not sure if I really wanted to know, and sit back down. Dad turns off the television and shuffles around to face me, his face set in a strangely curious expression, "What's up with you tonight?" His bluntness, after all these years, has ceased to amaze me.
I shrug, "Nothing, what's up with you?"
"Don't start, Tai. You've been moping and sulking ever since you got home, and until you tell me why, you won't be going anywhere." He really does look set to follow through with that threat.
Turning to look away from him, I just stare blankly at the opposite wall while answering him with a clipped, "I can't tell you." Like he would want to hear about anything that has to do with my boyfriend. If I told him what I was 'moping and sulking' about he'd either start laughing or else yelling. I'm not sure which is worse, but I can't stand either.
I hear him sigh with exasperation, "Of course you can tell me, I'm your father!"
"Exactly." I mutter, knowing perfectly well he could hear me. All I hear is silence, then an 'oh' of realization.
"This is about Matt, isn't it?" Filled with complete surprise I whip around and gape at him. Yep, that was still my dad sitting there, but somehow he had managed to actually say Yamato's name without calling him 'that boy' or something rude. And he hadn't stormed off in disgust or anything. I had known that he was becoming more accepting of my sexuality, but I hadn't really believed that he would be able to actually acknowledge it like this. When I don't answer, but simply stare in confusion, he goes on, "Ah, so that is it. Now we're getting somewhere. Now stop the fish mimicking act and tell me what happened."
I shake my head a bit, coming back to my senses, and sit up a bit straighter, "Why would you want to know?" Was this some sort of joke or something?
"To help you of course," He said it in that sort of tone that makes you feel stupid for even asking the question in the first place. When I only continued to stare he went on with his explaination, "Look, I just had a talk with Masaharu the other day about this and from what I can tell he really has no problem with this whole issue. I honestly don't understand it, but if *he* can support his faggot of a son, then I certainly can help mine!" Ah, so that explains it. My dad sees everything as a sort of competition that he hates to lose.
"Um, thanks... I think..." Faggot of a son? Nicely put dad, sheesh. "Well, if you're sure you want to know," I hesitate, but then quickly start talking again when I catch his impatient expression. I explained to him how Yamato was doing and how things seemed to be getting better with him, especially at school and with the world in general. Then I went on to describe the weird behaviour of his today when I had gone over to his place after school and some of the strange looks he had been giving me all day. By the end of my story I was just as confused as I had been before.
Dad was unusually quiet for the next few minutes, not even looking at me, as he started thinking about what I said. I was surprised that he was really trying to figure this thing out; 'guess people really can change when they want to. From the kitchen I could hear the noise of dishes and knew that the female half of my family had already started to eat without us. The smells of the meal coming through the door were just plain delicious to my nose, making me wish I could just drop this and go eat right now. I can't think on an empty stomach anyway. "I think..." There was a pause while I turned my attention back to my father. His expression looked to be one of part disgust as well as determination, obviously he wasn't liking what he was about to say, "I think it has to do with your... relationship."
I blink incomprehendingly, "Well duh, I already told you it had to do with me and him." How could he just forget like that? Maybe the stress at work is really getting to him or something.
"No, no. That's not what I mean," He winces, then sighs, "How to put this delicately... Taichi, your friend is obviously thinking about... about sex." Yeah, way to put it delicately.
"About... sex? B-but..." I choke, not understanding. Something's screwed up in his mind, that has to be the reason he's talking like this. Trying to get my confusing emotions under control I ask, "How... why do you say that?"
He suddenly gets a serious look, and I know something is wrong here that I haven't been able to see for myself. "Son, Yamato was raped. Had he ever had sex before that?"
I stare in a daze, hardly able to voice my answer, "N-no, I... I don't think so." I really don't like where this is leading. It's showing how much of an idiot I really am. I mean, my homophobic father is figuring this out before me?
"Then that was his first time. And all he can relate to this sort of thing is hurt, pain and confusion. Do you understand?" I try to speak, but emotions are weighing down on me so heavily that all I can do is shake my head slightly. Dad sighs and shakes his head, looking completely fine with the subject of our conversation. I don't think I'll ever understand this man. "You two are getting... well you're becoming very close to each other." He winces again, still not used to talking about two guys like this but continues anyway, "Now that the serious issues are quite dealt with, he's probably thinking more about the relationship and being with you for... for the rest of your lives. He obviously knows that you're going to want more than what you have now. And it's quite plain that he's scared... most likely of the sex itself and of losing you if he can't give you what you want." Suddenly, without even a pause, my father stands up and heads for the kitchen, "Anyway, I'm starving. Let's go eat before the girls finish dinner off themselves." And that was it. Guess he can only handle so much.
Silence fell over me as I sat there in shock. Was it true? Yamato was scared of me? That... that I would hurt him? I know it took a lot for my dad to admit all this, but it did make sense. Especially from what happened this afternoon. Of course Yama wouldn't want to talk about it, and knowing him, he had been brooding over this for quite awhile now. It's just... I really wish he would tell me about these things. He knows I'm too dense to realize what's going on for myself, and now look, Dad knows everything about our relationship... even more than myself.
Okay, just take a minute to think about this. Yamato's scared. That's something I won't put up with, and I will think of a way to put him at ease. Of course, I've got to get him to admit it first. Usually that'd be near impossible with his stubborness, but I'm sure he'll open up to me if I ask somehow. With a tired sigh I pick myself off of the couch and head for the kitchen, my head still spinning with the sudden enlightenment that had been forced upon me. Damn it Yamato, if you would only talk to me you wouldn't hurt yourself so much.
***
Matt's POV
Bright sunlight pouring in through the cracks of the blinds woke me up saturday morning and I sat up in confusion to look around with half open eyes. Okay, maybe it wasn't the sun that woke me, maybe it was the frantic pounding at my bedroom door. "Matt? Yamato Ishida, you wake up and get your butt out here right now!"
With a large yawn and a cat like stretch, I haphazardly run my hand through my messy blonde hair before swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. Without even bothering to change out of my boxers and wrinkled t-shirt I shuffle over to door. Dad better have a pretty darn good excuse for getting me up like this, I had been planning to sleep in, seeing as it is saturday and all. He probably needs my help for something, and knowing him that something has to do with food. "Yeah?" I mumble tiredly after cracking open the door to face my panicking father.
He quickly grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the kitchen with a simple explanation, "The stove's on fire!" With an exasperated groan I stare glumly at the mess before me as we enter my once perfect domain. On the stove is a now blackened pot with bright orange and blue flames flickering over the edges, black smoke pouring up into the air. Another pan has been thrown hastily into the sink, denting it I might add, with more smoke hanging above it and some sort of blackened goo stuck to the inside. And besides that, my once beautiful counter is now completely covered in unidentifiable substances and filthy cooking supplies.
Suddenly realizing that the fire alarm would probably go off at any moment, I quickly grab a lid and slam it over the burning pot to smother the flames while turning the stove off at the same time. It wasn't until after I opened up every single window in the apartment that I faced my disgruntled father, "What the hell were you trying to do?! Burn down the entire building?" I growled impatiently while silently mourning my poor, poor kitchen. Not the mention the ruined pot! This is the reason I hate anybody trying to cook in here besides me, they're all imbeciles when it comes to food!
Dad grinned weakly at my glare before casting his eyes to the floor and mumbling, "I was trying to make us breakfast. 'Just thought you'd like to sleep in."
"Yeah? Well great. Not only do I not get to sleep in, but now I have a mess to clean up as well! 'Kuso, what was in that pot anyway?" Cursing angrily, I grab a new dishcloth from a drawer and try to start clearing the counter top.
"Uh... would you believe, boiled eggs?" He weakly grinned again when he saw my complete disbelievement.
"Boiled... boiled eggs? How the hell did you burn that? The pot should have been filled with water to boil the damn eggs!" I stare in wonder at what a complete idiot my dad is when it comes to cooking. I mean, is it so hard to stick some water in a pot, drop a few eggs in and let it boil?
He winces before answering, "Watch your language Matt. And really, don't even ask how, please. I get the point, I really don't belong in this part of the house."
I sigh again and turn back to scrubbing, shaking my head, "It's alright, as long as you never try this again. I'll finish cleaning this up then make breakfast, okay? You probably have work to do anyway." Man, the things I put up with around here.
Dad quickly agreed and backed out of the kitchen before he got into even more trouble. It was a nice thought, trying to make me breakfast, but he should just stick with cereal from now on. Hopefully he could manage that without burning anything down.
An hour and a half later the kitchen was scrubbed to shining perfection and breakfast was neatly layed out on the dining table. I called my dad to the table and we sat down to have a quiet leisurely meal, both still worn out from the previous escapade. We didn't say much while we were eating, just the odd comment about small things like the weather and how his work was going, but I enjoyed his company all the same. It was rare that dad and I ever really got to sit down together anymore with him being so busy with work and me with school. Which reminded me, "Hey Dad? I thought you were working this weekend." I asked as we sat back from the table, plates empty. My appetite has really seemed to make a comeback these days.
His dark eyes regarded me thoughtfully before he smiled in a friendly way, "Well I was, but I decided to take today off. I've got a different sort of meeting I need to attend."
Already starting to clear off the dishes from the table, I look over at him and raise an eyebrow, curious as to know what could be so important for him to take time off work like this, "And that sort would be...?"
"It seems that the parents of your dear boyfriend want to talk to me, now why do you think they want to do that?" He gave me a knowing grin as he also got up from his seat and started to help with clearing the table.
I stood there in confusion for a few moments before shaking my head, "I don't know... they're not trying to break us up again are they?" I meant that sarcastically, but even I could hear the little bit of fear in my tone.
The older man just chuckled and shook his head in response, "No, no. I don't think that's it. They definitely seem to be getting over the fact that their son has feelings for another boy. Don't worry about it."
"Then what is it about?" I try again, a little peevishly. Why does he always have to play games like this with me?
"You really don't know?" I shake my head, "Oh, I thought you two probably already talked about it. Huh." Dad looked a little confused as he gathered up the rest of the plates and headed for the kitchen. Not about to let him go that easily I followed right behind.
Setting the load in the sink I cross my arms in a determined way and face him, set on getting some answers. Dad sighs and runs his hand through his hair, kind of like I do when I'm nervous about something. "Well, I guess we're just going to be discussing your relationship with Tai and see how much each of us are comfortable with at the moment. Mr. Kamiya phoned me yesterday and told me he had a talk with his very bewildered son." he pauses for a second, before continuing in a softer tone, "Yamato... Tai's very worried about you from what I gather. His father said... well he said that he had to explain to Tai that you were afraid of... you know, going too far... after the rape." He winces at his choice of words but I hardly notice as I stare in stunned silence at him.
For a few moments I couldn't speak, remembering how withdrawn Taichi was acting since a few days ago, and could feel the anger building up in me, "When... when did they have this 'talk'?"
"Two or three days ago I think. Matt-"
"Why didn't he talk to me about it?!" I cut him off, pounding my fist against the counter with frustation. "He's so... so stupid! If he knew, he could have told me instead of acting like he had to be careful around me! Baka!"
"Yamato! You're being unreasonable. I don't think you should be getting upset with him about this when you've been doing the exact same thing to him, have you thought about that?" Dad calmly stopped my insults with his firm voice.
Blinking in surprise, then realization, I lean against the counter for support. Oh Kami... I have been keeping back from him. I've been doing the same thing that I'm getting mad at him for. Isn't a relationship pretty much based on communication? And look what I've done to that! "Oh... Dad, I... I'm the stupid one."
"Maybe you should just talk to him. Let Tai know how you're feeling, it'll help." Dad advised me softly with a pat on my shoulder. When all I did was nod back slightly he left the room, leaving me with my thoughts. Obviously I was going to have to talk to Taichi now, this was just too important to let go. But what if he thinks less of me for being afraid? I do want to go all the way with him, I love Taichi that much, but I'm just too fucking scared of being hurt again. With a depressed sigh I slowly head back towards my room to flop onto the bed, covering my head with the pillow. Why do things have to be so complicated?
For the next half hour I just lay there, curled up in a defensive position and trying to sort out my thoughts. Finally I just couldn't stand it anymore and forced myself to get up. It was settled, I had to go see Taichi and discuss this with him. Honestly, I don't think he would see me as weak or anything like that, but I still can't help being nervous. This really isn't a normal everyday conversation that people have. As well, what if Taichi's upset with me for not being the one to speak up about it in the first place? I know he hates it when I keep things to myself.
Tossing my slept in clothes onto the floor I quickly pull on a plain black t-shirt and a pair of loose, black jeans. I always wear black when I'm feeling insecure, it just suits me I guess. When I stepped out of the room once again I saw my father just grabbing his coat to head out the door, "Hey, do you think you could give me lift to Tai's?" I ask while already searching for my shoes and jacket. Dad nodded and waited for me to get everything on before we left the apartment together.
***
Tai's POV
It was Saturday, which meant Saturday morning cartoons, and I had accordingly grabbed the hugest bowl I could find, filled it with Frosted Flakes and plopped myself down in front of the tv set. I sat there for hours, mindlessly watching everything from Pokemon and Sailormoon to Power Rangers and Bugs Bunny. I tell you, it's heaven. It's the best way I know of to keep your mind off of everything even remotely stressful, even if it does kill a few brain cells in the process.
"Tai!" I ignored the annoying voice for a few moments, too busy watching to see if the coyote would finally get the roadrunner this time. Of course, he didn't. All of his stupid plans suck! I bet if I were that coyote I could-- "KAMIYA TAICHI! Don't you ignore me when I'm talking to you!" I whipped around in surprise to find my mother glaring at me from near the entrance and sheepishly I put down my empty bowl to see what was up.
"What is it mom?" I grin at her, trying to ease some of the tension away. I hate being interrupted during cartoons. It's just immoral... or something like that.
Mom rolls her eyes before smiling back a bit, "We're leaving now, Ishida-san has just pulled up. Now you be good while we're gone, and make sure you clean up that mess in front of you as well as the spilt cereal in the kitchen." She waved a bit and I waved back before turning back to the television. From the front door came some mumbled voices, but I just assumed it was my parents talking with Yamato's father. That is until I heard a small cough from behind me.
Turning around once again to see who it was interrupting me this time, I found a very familiar blonde standing by the couch. TV instantly forgotten, I jump up and bound over excitedly, overjoyed at the unexpected visit. "Yama-chan!" He only had time to widen his bright blue eyes a little before I glomped him, sending him to the ground with a surprised gasp. "I missed you, my beautiful koi!" I giggle as his entire face turns red with embarrassment. Then I quickly put my mouth over his, shutting up his protests. Beneath me, Yama let out a small moan as I slipped my tongue into his mouth, loving the familiar feeling of his soft lips.
"T-Taichi? I... I uh..." He gasped as we finally broke apart for air. His gaze stayed on my face as he tried to pull himself together, looking dazed. Man, he's one hell of a kisser, that's for sure!
After another peck on his lips, I finally push myself off of him and help the confused boy to his feet. With a small laugh I explain, "I've been eating cereal full of sugar ever since I woke up. What're you doing here anyway?" I ask while lovingly pulling my koishii onto my lap, sitting down on the couch. With my arms wrapped firmly around his stomach, I lay my chin on his shoulder and wait for him to catch up with my hyperness.
Yamato sighed a little and leaned back against me, "I just came by to... talk I guess. I... we need to talk." He sounded a little nervous, and suddenly I knew what this was about. Maybe Dad really did know what he was talking about. With a nod I pull away and slip out from under him so that we could sit and face each other. At least he was finally going to tell me what was going on between us, but he better not decide anything stupid such as breaking up. Looking a bit closer, I realized that Yamato was looking awfully pale, "Are... are you mad... at me?" He asks quietly, looking at me with serious eyes.
Taken aback, I quickly shake my head, wondering why I should be angry with him, "No, of course not!"
"Oh." A relieved look came over his face, but he didn't say anything else. In fact, he seemed to huddle further into the couch cushions as he looked towards the floor. Something was really bothering Yamato, and now I'm pretty sure as to what that is.
After some moments, when it became clear that Yamato wasn't going to keep speaking, I reach over and take up his hand in mine. He looks up at them, then at my face uncertainly. "Yama-chan, you don't have to be afraid of me. I won't hurt you, you know."
"I know." He answers without hesitation. So he trusts me, then what is it that's making him so afraid? I was about to voice this question, not knowing what else to say, when he kept going in a quiet voice, "Taichi, I... I need to know if... if you... ever wanted to... to go f-further." Man, he really is scared. And I can understand why. It must be so hard to finally bring this up and I'm really going to have to watch what I say if I don't want to scare him right off.
As honestly as I could, I answered softly knowing this was going to sound a bit blunt, "Well, yeah. I mean, you're the most beautiful, kind and caring guy in the world and I love you so much. But I just want whatever you think is best, and I would never force you into anything that you're against, okay?" He had to understand, I'm not like those other guys. I care about him too much, so what ever makes him happy...
This time his lips curve into a barely noticable smile and he squeezed my hand back a little, "You're so sweet Taichi." I smile back happily, completely worshipping his compliments. Then he frowned, "But... If I did want to... you know... would it- would it hurt?" The fear that I saw slip into his eyes made my heart ache. So this is what it's all about, pain.
With a sad smile, I take Yamato back into my arms, letting him cuddle into my body as I thought about what to say. I couldn't lie, that would just make it worse in the end. "Angel... I'm afraid it would hurt some." I felt his body tense, but went on quietly, "But just at first. I... well I read up on some of this and it will always hurt at first, but after you would feel pleasure, you know? It's different with making love. When you were... were raped, you hadn't wanted it, and they didn't use lubricant or anything so it hurt the whole time. But I would be careful. It just might be difficult to get past the initial pain if you're really afraid, but then afterwards it would go away and feel just heavenly."
Yamato looked up at me with some surprise and raised his eyebrows, "You read up on it? When?"
"Uh... just a few weeks ago, at the librarie. I didn't dare take any books on it out, but I learned a lot." I could feel my own face heat up with embarrassment as I grinned a little at him. So I had been curious and wanted to know, I would need to know at some point right? Yamato just looked at me some more with a strange expression on his face before he suddenly started laughing. Taken by surprise at this outburst I ask in a somewhat hurt voice, "What? I didn't think it was that bad!"
"N-no... it's just-" Yamato cut off to let loose another laugh that sounded more like a giggle. When he finally got himself slightly under control, he shocked me once again by leaning foreward and pecking my lips, "You're just so cute."
Wondering what the hell just got into my boyfriend, I narrow my eyes suspiciously and put my hand to his forehead, "Are you okay Koi? Want me to take your temperature?"
Yamato snorted and gently slapped my hand away, his eyes glowing with a light that I don't remember being there for a long time now. "Iie baka," he answered while smiling, "I'm fine. 'Guess I'm just really happy." He reached a hand up and ran it through my hair once before snuggling his face into my neck.
Still a bit confused, I hugged him close again, "Happy about what?"
He sighed contentedly before mumbling, "That you really want me."
I smile too when I hear that, "'Course I really want you, my beautiful Angel, and nothing could make me change my mind." I rubbed his back lightly, feeling joy within myself at this sudden twist of events. I've never really realized before what a lucky guy I am to have this utterly captivating boy loving me. And I'm so glad that I've been the one to help him through everything... even if it was kind of my fault to begin with.
Yamato sat up a bit again after a few minutes with a serious look in his eyes. I didn't say anything while he watched me though, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Then he spoke quietly, his tone serious as well, "Taichi I... well I still need to think about all this, 'you understand?" I nodded, knowing it was still a danger zone for him with the pain. I'd wait forever for my Yama-chan if I had to... well, actually, I hope it won't be that long! "Thanks." His eyes shone sincerely as he hugged me again. "So what's up for today?" He mumbled against my shirt, his hand busy getting tangled into my hair.
"Well, I had been planning on watching the rest of my cartoons. Then I guess we can go where ever you want to after, sound good?" I answered, leaning back and thoroughly enjoying the feeling of his fingers.
Yamato smiled up at me, then chuckled, "You and your cartoons. They'll rot your brain you know?"
"I know." I smiled back, easing our bodies into a more comfortable position
on the couch. Reaching for the channel changer, which fortunately
was within my reach, I flipped the channels until I found some subtitled
American cartoon that caught my interest. Yamato shifted so that
he could watch as well, despite his earlier critizing of the saturday morning
ritual. The rest of the morning went by swiftly and wonderfully spent
in the company of my Yama. I wished that we could do this everyday,
just lie here and enjoy the feeling of closeness between one another. I'm really glad at least that we've been able to discuss this and that
Yamato trusts me enough that he's thinking about this becoming a serious
relationship. I honestly wouldn't want to spend my life with anybody
else now that I have him.
(A/N) Uh oh... I have a feeling that I'm going to have to write a lemon
next... be afraid, be very afraid. This was kind of a funny part
to write, all that fatherly advice and mush. Anyway, I'll need some
input before I decide how I'm going to write the next chapter, and since
I'm really completely running out of ideas it'll probably be pretty much
the last chapter *sigh*.
