Chapter 2: It Begins

It's now night. We're at Decepticon HQ and Starscream is in bed. (Yes, Transformers have beds.) As he sleeps, he starts twisting under the sheets. He's having a nightmare.

We enter the nightmare to find…that all Decepticons have turned into Jamie Oliver! (The worst possible thing for Starscream, who's more of an Ainsley Harriet kind of guy.)

Jamietron: Try this pie Starscream. I think you'll find it's quite pukka!

Starscream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Starscream wakes up sweating.

Starscream: Oh thank Primus. It was all a horrible, horrible, horrible dream…

Starscream lies back down and looks to his right where he finds…Jamie Oliver!

Jamie Oliver: Pukka!

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

The next day…

Starscream walks into the control room where the Insecticons are playing a game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket. Bombshell runs over to Shrapnel and kicks him on the leg.

Shrapnel: Ow, ow!

Bombshell runs off to a safe distance.

Bombshell (through a megaphone): Sorry!

Kickback runs over to Bombshell and kicks him on the leg.

Bombshell: Ow!

Kickback runs off to a safe distance.

Kickback (also through a megaphone): Sorry!

Starscream (thinking): Oh no! It's begun just like that old squishy said it would! What am I going to…no, hang on, they always act like that.

Starscream spots Skywarp at the far end of the room and walks over to him.

Starscream: WHAZZAAAPPP!

Skywarp: WHHAAZZPPPP!

Starscream: So what you doin'?

Skywarp (pointing at the Insecticons): Watchin' the game havin' a Bud. You?

Starscream: Oh, you know. Killin' some humans, havin' a Bud.

Skywarp: True, true.

Thundercracker enters the room. Instead of his normal helmet he is wearing a lovely gold bejeweled version of Ultra Magnus' helmet. It looks grand doesn't it? Very, very grand.

Oh yeah, and he also has bunny rabbit legs instead of his normal ones.

Thunderbunny: WHAZZAAPPP!

Starscream and Skywarp stare in shock at him.

Thunderbunny: Oh, you've noticed my new helmet, eh? Whatcha think? Very chic or what?

Skywarp: Have you looked down recently?

Thunderbunny: Why, no now that you've mentioned it I hav-

He looks down.

Thunderbunny: SWEET MOTHER MCCREE! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!?!?!?!

Hey that rhymed!

The two Seekers stared at their comrade as he leapt about the place in a rage, spouting curses as he went.

Yep. He was hopping mad all right.

Skywarp: Hey, slow down! Maybe we can…

*POOF!*

With the very sound effect you just, er, saw, Skywarp was engulfed in a blue cloud. When the cloud dispersed, Skywarp's body had changed into that of a small girl.

Skywarp: Wh-what the…?!

In his new guise, Skywarp wore a long black dress with a white neckline and had suddenly sprouted short blond hair with little hair accessories in it shaped like two skulls. Only his face remained the same.

Starscream (thinking): Uh-oh…

Suddenly footsteps could be heard coming towards the door on the other side of the room.

Footsteps: Goosh, goosh, goosh…

And then, equally as suddenly, the doors burst open to reveal…a doll. A doll wearing a burgundy suit with a frilly front, a heart shaped box of candy in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other and buttons for eyes.

Mr. Gosh: LENORE!

Skywarp: ACK!

Mr. Gosh runs for Skywarp who runs in the opposite direction.

Skywarp: Damn these stumpy legs!

They run out of the room.

Starscream: Well…that was unexpected.

Thunderbunny: What the hell is going on?

Starscream (stalling for time): I don't know…but I know who would!

Starscream walks to yet another door…

*WHOOSH*

*CRACK!*

…only to get whacked in the face by a rake someone left on the floor.

Starscream: What the…?!

He tosses the rake away, whacking Kickback on the head with it.

Kickback: Ow!

Shrapnel: Ooh, nice shot, shot.

Starscream enters Soundwave's office, the latter's swivel chair facing the Air Commander. Yes, Soundwave has an office. Say what you want about the Decepticons but they sure know their stuff when it comes to furnishings.

Starscream: Soundwave, I –

Soundwave (sounding high-pitched and cute): Go away.

Starscream: What?

Soundwave: Don't look at me.

Starscream strides over to the chair and swivels it to face him. He's stunned by what he sees.

For there, sitting there at a quarter of his original size, was an ultra-cute chibi Soundwave!

Chibi Soundwave: Something is dreadfully amiss here.

Starscream: Gee, y'think?

*****

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away…or rather, in a field twelve miles from Decepticon HQ, Bruticus is having a firefight with a group of Autobots. The Space Bridge is about three feet from the Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Keep firing my Autobots! Victory is within our grasp!

Hound: What battle are you watching? We're not making a dent on him!

Cut back to Bruticus who's merrily shooting scores of Autobots while laser after laser harmlessly bounces off his body.

Windcharger: Why don't we concentrate our fire on the weak point on his back?

Optimus Prime: Who's the leader here?

Windcharger: Erm…you are…

Optimus Prime: Right. Now shut up and keep firing!

Windcharger and Hound exchange glances and continue to fire.

Bruticus: Ha ha! Foolish Autobots! Now I shall-

Bruticus stops fighting all of a sudden. We are suddenly looking through his eyes as we see a scorched battlefield, littered with the bodies of all the Autobots, Jamie Oliver and that annoying berk off the gum commercials. Happy days indeed.

Oh look! On the next hill they're holding auditions for the Swan Prince! Best put on your best performance Bruticus!

Back in reality the Autobots stare as the huge gestalt pirouettes around the field.

Bruticus: THE BIG BOT AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST!

He prances over to the Space Bridge's entrance.

Bruticus: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW I AM LEAVING EARTH FOR NO RAISIN!

He promptly leaps into the Space Bridge, which explodes. Why? Who knows?

Optimus Prime (triumphant): See! I told you victory was within our grasp!

To Be Continued…