It just occurred to me that I never put up a disclaimer. So, in the spirit of goodwill and the desire not to be sued into oblivion, I can say with an honest heart that I own nothing. Not even the stuff that I own. It all belongs to someone else. Happy now? Well, ARE YA?!?!?!
Chapter 3: And The Lows Keep On Getting Lower
Back at Decepticon HQ…
Rumble and Laserbeak enter Chibi Soundwave's office.
Rumble: Starscream, we've got a big problem.
Starscream: How big?
Rumble: Big big.
Starscream: Give me an actual approximation damn you!
Rumble: Jennifer Lopez's ego big.
Chibi Soundwave (in total awe): My god…
Rumble (notices Chibi Soundwave for the first time): Soundwave? Is that you?!
Chibi Soundwave: Yes, it is me.
Rumble (not the sharpest tack in the box bless him): Wow…is that a new helmet?
Chibi Soundwave: What?
Starscream: Oh for the love of…what's the problem?
Rumble: Bruticus has been destroyed.
Starscream: What?! How!?
Rumble: Well…it's probably best if Laserbeak showed you.
Laserbeak: SQUACK!
Rumble: Indeed.
Laserbeak transforms into his tape mode and inserts himself into a machine in the corner. Presently a picture is shown on the monitor.
Yes, it's a new and improved Laserbeak! Now with pictures that move!
The Decepticons watch the events of the battle from the last chapter.
Starscream: What the frot was he doing?
Rumble: He, um…seemed to be performing all the roles of the Swan Prince.
Starscream: What the hell for?! And why did the Space Bridge blow up?
Rumble (shrugs): I dunno.
Starscream: Oh Primus this is a nightmare…
Rumble: That's not all…
Chibi Soundwave: There is more?
Rumble: Well, the Constructicons…
Starscream: Don't bother telling us, we'll go see for ourselves. Where are they?
Rumble: Hangar Bay 2.
Chibi Soundwave: Laserbeak, come.
Laserbeak: SQUARK!
Laserbeak flies out of the machine and transforms into his bird form.
Starscream: Let's go.
They walk to the door.
*WHOOSH*
*CRACK!*
Starscream: OW!
*****
In another part of the base Megatron strode with infinite menace, malice and other words beginning with 'M'. As he reaches an intersection he sees Skywarp, now with the body of a cute little dead girl, run past with a doll chasing him.
Mr. Gosh: Come back my love that I may smother you with my manly goodness!
Skywarp: Piss off!
Megatron looks bemused for a moment, then angry, thereby exhausting his repertoire of facial expressions.
Megatron: SSSTTTAAAAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSCCCCCCRRREEEEEAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!
*****
Outside Hangar Bay 2…
Starscream shudders while nursing his nose.
Chibi Soundwave: Why did you just shudder?
Starscream (confused): I don't know…
A horrible wailing sound can be heard on the other side of the doors.
Starscream: Primus! Are they being murdered in there?
Rumble: Not exactly…
The four Decepticons open the Bay doors, only to discover...
Laserbeak: SQUUUAAAAARRRRKKKK!*
*Translation: "MOTHER OF GOD!"
…the Constructicons 'singing' Uptown Girl.
Starscream: What the smeg is going on here?!?
The Constructicons (clad in a startling combination of leather and denim and now wearing wigs which were, strangely, expertly styled with mouse) looked at the enraged Seeker.
Bonecrusher: SSSHH! We're in the middle of a recording.
Starscream gazed around the room at the reams of recording equipment which had magically sprung up that morning. A twitch suddenly appeared under his left eye.
Starscream: A…what?
Suddenly a small ginger man appeared from behind a sound booth.
Small Ginger Man: A recording. You know, music?
Starscream: Who the hell are you?
Small Ginger Man (lights a huge cigar): The
name's Prefect. Ford Prefect, Record Company
Thing Man of Megadodo Records, and I'm signing these boys up.
We close up on Starscream's face. His expression suggests that he's just been asked for a cup of sugar by a two headed pink elephant wearing a Batman outfit.
Starscream: Signing up? Boys?!?!
Long Haul: Yeah, Mr. Prefect thinks we can go far!
Starscream: As what?
Constructicons: A boy band!
Starscream looks around for Chibi Soundwave, Laserbeak and Rumble, but they're not there. Chances are they left while their sanity was still intact. Starscream wished he had done the same.
Ford Prefect: Yeah, these boys have real star quality. I mean, look at them!
Starscream looked at them.
Ford Prefect: Can you see it?
Starscream: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…no.
Scavenger: Pfft! Who cares what you think? When Backstreet Life's first single hits-
Starscream holds up his head and interrupts Scavenger, a technique which never works in real life no matter how long you keep your hand up.
Starscream: I'm sorry, what are you calling yourselves?
Mixmaster: Backstreet Life.
Ford Prefect: Dynamic, isn't it?
Starscream stares at Ford Prefect, then at the newly christened Backstreet Life. He stares at them both for a second before coming to a well thought out conclusion.
Starscream: You're all nuts aren't you?
Suddenly (a lot of things happen suddenly don't they? What a fun place Decepticon HQ must be!) a large hole was blasted in the wall. Megatron strode through the gaping hole, copious amounts of smoke pouring out of the muzzle of his fusion cannon.
Everyone stares at the open door not three feet from the hole.
Ford Prefect: Couldn't you have used the door?
Megatron: How dare you suggest easier ways of doing things! DIE!
Megatron vaporizes Ford Prefect with his fusion cannon.
Megatron: Everyone back to your stations! NOW!
Hook: No way man! We're getting out of this House of Funk and going to find a new manager!
Backstreet Life fly off.
*WHUNK!*
After first opening the roof doors, Backstreet Life fly off.
Megatron turns to Starscream.
Megatron: Another plot to overthrow me, eh?
Starscream: What? You're saying I had the Constructicons form a boy band as part of a fiendish plot to overthrow you?
Megatron: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!
Starscream: I'm beginning to see why this war's been going for over four million years…
Megatron: DO NOT MAKE FUN OF ME!
Starscream: Must you always yell?
Megatron: YES!!!!
Megatron walks off in a rage…again.
Starscream: Twat.
*****
A few hours later, at that structure of justice more commonly known as the Ark…
Optimus Prime: Hoo, what a day. Inferno, prepare my dinner!
Inferno (lookin' insane): Yes my queen! Shall I make it BURN?
Optimus Prime: …Beg pardon?
Inferno starts as if coming out of a trance and stares at Prime.
Inferno: Whu? Oh, sorry Prime. Musta blacked out there for a second.
Inferno walks off towards the kitchen the Ark probably has.
Optimus Prime (to Gears): Have Ratchet look into his brain scans as soon as possible.
Gears: Can do.
Optimus Prime: Actually, now that I mention him, where the hell is Ratchet?
*****
Back at the House of Funk…
Thunderbunny hops into the control room where Starscream is. He now has huge bunny ears and buck teeth.
Thunderbunny: Problems?
Starscream: Megatron thinks I'm trying to overthrow him again.
Thunderbunny: And that's bothering you now? He always thinks that.
Starscream: Yeah, but with all that's going on…
Starscream sighs.
Starscream: Ah, well. At least it couldn't possibly get any worse…
On the 'e' of worse the doors of the control are smashed in and into the control room walks…the fused Megatron/Ratchet creature! Huzzah!
Megatron/Ratchet: BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!
Starscream: Eep.
To Be Continued…
More reviews please, or Marvin here gets it!
Marvin: No one likes me you know…
Me: Quiet you!
