Chapter 4: Sanity Don't Live Here No More

Author's Note: If you want an image of the Megatron/Ratchet creature just read Issue 70 of the G1 comic series, only in this story, the two of them are colored as they are in the G1 cartoon.

We're still at Decepticon HQ, only now it's a few minutes later. Megatron/Ratchet are now locked up in a huge cage, with Starscream, Thunderbunny, Laserbeak, Chibi Soundwave and the Insecticons standing to the right of the cage a few meters away.

Thunderbunny: Well that was surprisingly easy.

Starscream (looking at the assembled Decepticons): I thought I asked for all available Decepticons to report to the control room.

Chibi Soundwave: And here we are.

Starscream: What?!? This is it? What about Astrotrain?

Thunderbunny: Couldn't find him.

Starscream: Rumble?

Chibi Soundwave: Ditto.

Starscream: What about Skywarp?

Laserbeak: SQUAK TWEET SQIRK SQUIRLOOKEL!

Starscream: What?! Denmark? What the hell is he doing there?

Laserbeak shrugged.

Starscream: So all this time we only had a grand total of twenty-one Decepticons on the whole blasted planet?!?!

Thunderbunny: Yep.

Starscream turns to the freak in the cage.

Starscream: You're quite the military strategist aren't you?

Megatron/Ratchet: SLLAAAARRRRGHHHHH!

Starscream turns back to the others.

Starscream: You know, that's honestly the most intelligent response I've ever gotten out of him.

Chibi Soundwave: So what has happened to them?

At this point Starscream has moved closer to the cage. Megatron/Ratchet have taken to gripping the bars of the cage with their three front arms and their one back arm. As Starscream nears the cage we can see that he is holding a live power line connected to a terminal. As he is speaking the following lines he keeps jabbing the bars with the cord, shocking the fused duo.

Starscream: That we do not know. However…

*BZZT*

Megatron/Ratchet:  AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Starscream: …Laserbeak here has…

*BZZZZZZZZTTT*

Megatron/Ratchet: SHEEEEEAAAAGGGGHHH!

Starscream: …managed to catch what happened live on…

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT*

Megatron/Ratchet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Starscream: …tape.

Starscream is now just madly poking at the bars of the cage with the wire, a look of mad glee on his face. The other Decepticons begin to fidget uncomfortably.

(Just so you know, all Megatron/Ratchet have to do to stop Starscream from shocking them is to let go of the bars. Which just goes to show you that having two brains doesn't make you any less an idiot.)

Thunderbunny: Erm…Starscream?

Starscream: Hee, hee, hee…yeah?

Thunderbunny: I don't think they like that…

Starscream: Sure they do! (stops poking the bars and leans in closer to the cage, speaking in the kind of voice which is just begging to be whacked) You like it a lot don't you? Yes you do, yes you…

Megatron/Ratchet releases the bars and grabs Starscream.

Starscream (meekly): Help.

*****

Around this time at the Ark…

Optimus Prime: Find him?

Jazz: Nope. I've been all around the base and I've found no trace of Ratchet.

Optimus Prime (getting all dramatic): WHY?!? WHY DID MY BEST FRIEND HAVE TO BE TAKEN?!?!

Jazz: Wait a second. Since when has he been your best friend? I've never seen you two speak more than three words to each other at any one time.

Optimus Prime: Well, uh…it was more understated than most friendships…

Jazz folds his arms and scrutinizes Prime.

Optimus Prime: It was!

At this point Grimlock lumbers into the room. On his arrival and despite only having his eyes to work with, Prime manages to convey disappointment, annoyance, anger, fear, hunger, happiness, sadness, sleepiness and arousal upon seeing him. This, boys and girls, is what we call 'over-emoting'.

Grimlock: Find doc?

Jazz: Not yet.

Grimlock: Me Grimlock hope Decepticons take him! Me Grimlock want to munch metal and slice Megatron into pieces with big sword and-

Optimus Prime: ENOUGH!

Jazz and Grimlock stare at Prime.

Optimus Prime: No longer can I sit idly by and watch you butcher the English language with your annoying speech patterns! This must end!

Grimlock: What you mean? Me Grimlock no butcher anything yet.

Optimus Prime: You just did!

Grimlock: When?

Optimus Prime: Just there!

Grimlock: …Me Grimlock confused now…

Optimus Prime: Listen you grammatical nightmare, I want you to go to Wheeljack and tell him to fix the problem with your voice. Understand?

Grimlock: Yes! Me find Wheeljack right now and tell him!

For reasons best kept to himself, Grimlock decides that transforming into his T-Rex form is the fastest way to get to Wheeljack. He stampedes out of the room, inadvertently trampling Blaster who was on his way in. Prime and Jazz stride over to Blaster.

Optimus Prime: What's up, Blaster?

Blaster (pretty beat up after being run over by Grimlock): Message…on…main…viewer…

Optimus Prime (to Jazz): Punch it up.

Jazz: Shouldn't we help him?

Optimus Prime: Nah, this is G1. He'll be up and about in a few minutes as if nothing had happened.

Blaster: Hey, you know what? You're right! (He leaps acrobatically to his feet) I feel as good as…

Suddenly a large part of the ceiling comes loose and lands on top of Blaster.

Blaster (under the rubble): …ow.

Jazz: Prime! It's a message from the Decepticons!

Optimus Prime: What?!?

We watch Prime, Jazz and Blaster (once he's dug himself out from under the rubble) watch the message from the Decepticons. We can't see or hear what the message is, but we can see the Autobots reaction. Jazz and Blaster look shocked while Prime is absolutely radiating anger.

Optimus Prime (arms raised in the air): SSSTTAAAARRRSSSCCCRRRREEEEEAAAMM!!!!!!

*****

We're now back at Decepticon HQ. Starscream is lying on the ground looking the worse for wear with the other Decepticons hovering over him. Presently he regains consciousness.

Kickback: He's waking up!

Starscream: …What happened?

Thunderbunny: The freak there played the bongos with your head and the bars.

Starscream feels his face, which is loaded with dents and bumps.

Starscream: For how long?

The Decepticons look shame faced.

Chibi Soundwave: …Ten minutes.

Starscream: TEN MINUTES!!! WHY THE HELL DID NO ONE STOP THEM?!

Shrapnel: They were getting a pretty good beat out of you, you!

Scottish Voice: Aye, I've not heard music so grand since Edinburgh in '82.

Starscream (very warily): Who's that?

Bombshell: That…that would be Astrotrain.

The 'Cons step aside to reveal Astrotrain. He is wearing a kilt, a tartan cap and sash and is carrying some bagpipes on his left shoulder.

Starscream (well on his way to losing it): …THE HELL?!?!

McAstrotrain: Och, laddie, are ye all right? Ye've taken a pretty bad knock there to be sure. How ye managed to survive I dinna ken.

Starscream (covering his face): Oh, god…

Chibi Soundwave: Starscream, Laserbeak is ready to play back his findings.

Starscream (flipping back onto his feet): Then do so!

Laserbeak transforms and slides into the slot under the monitor. After a second or two of static the picture shows Megatron in a room by himself, muttering something about how everyone is out to get him to his collection of onions. The time index shows this to have happened about three hours ago. About two minutes into this we can see the Old Gypsy Man silently walk into the room, dragging an unconscious Ratchet behind him. Dropping Ratchet, the O.G.M. picks up a mightily huge bar and clobbers Megatron over the head with it. The nut job goes down on the first whack..

Thunderbunny: Well that was embarrassing.

With that done, the O.G.M. steps back outside and brings in a cart, which contains a huge chainsaw, some welding gear, a value-sized tub of grease, an extra long cucumber, a ham and cheese sandwich and a rubber chicken.

The O.G.M. pulls Ratchet's body over to Megatron's and lays him out on the floor. Putting on a pair of goggles, he starts up the chainsaw and if I described what happens next I'd have to bump the censor up to NC-17.

Shrapnel: Oh god, god…

Thunderbunny: I feel sick…

McAstrotrain: Have ye ever seen anything as twisted as this in all yer life?

Starscream (enjoying the show with some popcorn): Oh I don't know, it's got a certain artistic quality to it I feel…

After ten minutes of this Megatron and Ratchet lay on the ground as one Transformer. The O.G.M. packs his equipment back onto the cart and trundles out of the frame. The monitor clicked off and Laserbeak flew out of the slot, transforming into his bird mode once his was clear of the machine.

Laserbeak: *SQAAAAARRKK…*

*Translation: I feel dirty…*

Starscream: Well, that was informative AND fun, eh?

Everyone glared at him.

Starscream: What?

Thunderbunny notices a digital readout flashing on the console.

Thunderbunny: Uh, Starscream?

Starscream: Yeah?

Thunderbunny: Did you send a message to the Autobots?

Starscream (extremely wary): Noooooooo…why?

Thunderbunny (pointing to a readout on the computer): Says here you did.

Starscream: WHAT?!?

Thunderbunny pushed a button on the computer, showing the message on the monitor. The only problem was, it wasn't Starscream. It was quite obviously a piss-poor puppet of Starscream, with all the movement of a Gerry Anderson prop, quite clearly being manipulated by the Old Gypsy Man, who did an abysmal version of Starscream's voice.

'Starscream': Attention Optimus Prime! I have your Chief Medical Officer! I negotiated your pathetic security to capture him, not that a feeble minded half-wit such as yourself could have stopped me!

Starscream (seeing where this is going): Ohhhhhh, boy…

'Starscream': If you think you have the balls to rescue him come to Decepticon HQ! And speaking of 'balls' Elita-1 and I could tell you a few things on that subject I can tell you! HA HA! See you later!

Computer: Message Ends.

Thunderbunny (astonished): You did it with Prime's missus?!

Starscream: That isn't me!

Chibi Soundwave: Oh, everyone says that when they see themselves on TV. 

Starscream: It's okay, it's okay. I have nothing to worry about, right? I mean, Prime's not dumb enough to think that's actually me, right?

Silence.

Starscream (suddenly deciding to stop deluding himself): I'M DOOMED!

Completely panic-stricken, Starscream rushes over to the com system. Form a bit behind him we can see Rumble enter the room. He is wearing a Morris Dancing outfit and is holding two kippers, one in each hand.

Starscream: Must contact Prime, must save self from horrific death…

Rumble positions himself in front of Starscream and starts to Morris Dance. Starscream sees him nut decides to ignore him.

Computer: Ready to record message.

Starscream: Attention Optimus-

Without warning Rumble prances forward and slaps Starscream in the face with the kippers.

*SLAP SLAP!*

Starscream gazes down at Rumble who has now pranced back to his original position. He now appears to be high stepping in place.

Desperately trying to ignore the insane tape, Starscream tries again.

Starscream: Attention Op-

*SLAP SLAP!*

Starscream: -timus Prime! I beg you to-

*SLAP SLAP!*

Starscream (barely keeping his temper in check): -hear me out! We have all been deceived by-

*SLAP SLAP!*

Starscream (driven over the edge): AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Starscream picks Rumble up and drives him through the computer, destroying it.

Starscream (realizing what he's done): Oh, shit…

Thunderbunny: Now what're going to do?

Starscream looked at the assorted freak 'Cons.

Starscream: The only thing I can do…I'm going to go to Cybertron.

Decepticons: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

To Be Continued…