Chapter 5: Heart of Dorkness
Decepticon HQ, a few minutes later…
Chibi Soundwave: Are you sure this is necessary? We can fight Prime off if need be.
Starscream scans the group again. We can see that the only normal Decepticons are Laserbeak and the Insecticons. We can feel his pain.
Starscream: Very sure. I must get reinforcements from Cybertron before Prime gets here and feeds me my wings. Astrotrain! Transform!
McAstrotrain: Aye laddie! Can do!
McAstrotrain transforms into his shuttle mode, only now he has a mural of every Scotland player to ever play in the World Cup painted on his side. Starscream desperately tries not to notice.
Thunderbunny (points at Megatron/Ratchet): D'ya think we should name them?
Silence reigned supreme, so it did.
Thunderbunny: What? We need to call them something other Megatron/Ratchet.
Megatron/Ratchet: *YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!*
*Translation: Yeah!*
Starscream: Alright, alright. We'll think of a name.
The Decepticons think.
Shrapnel: Ooh, I know, know! How about…MEGACHET!
Megachet: *SSSSSLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!*
*Translation: NO!*
Starscream: Megachet it is!
He walks to McAstrotrain.
Starscream: Farewell my fellow Decepticons! When I return glory shall-
*WHOOSH*
*CRACK!*
Starscream: Son of a…!
*****
Back once more to the Hall of Ultimate Goodness…
Cliffjumper: Erm, Prime?
Optimus Prime: Yes?
Cliffjumper: I know we're going to attack Decepticon HQ, but don't you think what we're carrying is a tad…excessive?
We pan out to see Prime, Cliffjumper, Jazz, Blaster, Hound, Windcharger and Bumblebee equipped with some serious firepower. And when I say serious I mean laser cannons and missile launchers about three times the size of any of the Autobots present.
Optimus Prime (voice dangerously low): No.
Cliffjumper: Oh.
Jazz (to Bumblebee, who is covered from head to toe in huge, spiky armor): Ready to go, little buddy?
Bumblebee: I can't move!
Jazz: So that's a 'no', then?
Grimlock enters.
Grimlock: Eh up, what's going on doon toon, eh?
Prime's face goes through every expression conceivable.
Optimus Prime: What did you say?
Grimlock: 'Ere, that Wheeljack bloke's great, yeah? He fixed my voice right proper he did. It's wicked now innit?
Optimus Prime: WWWHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLJJJAACCCKKK!!!!
Grimlock: Blimey!
Wheeljack enters. His ears keep flashing on and off rapidly like the strobe lights in a disco.
Wheeljack: Yes?
Optimus Prime (pointing at Grimlock): Explain.
Wheeljack: I fixed his voice like you wanted.
Optimus Prime: I wanted you to fix his grammar chip you hack! Not his accent!
Wheeljack: Really? I thought you would've gotten tired of his caveman voice by now.
Prime sighs and shields his eyes as Wheeljack's strobing ears are beginning to give him a headache.
Optimus Prime: Just fix him, OK?
Wheeljack (sighs): Fine. By the way, that 'ultimate weapon of death' you requested is finished. Do you want to have a look?
Optimus Prime: YEAH!
Wheeljack pulls out a remote and points at the far wall. A panel slides up to reveal…
Autobots: Ooooooooooooooooooo!
Hound: It's incredible!
Wheeljack: Huh? No, no! That's just my latest invention, Aibo 3!
Autobots: …..
Wheeljack: Look! (picks up small robot dog) It walks! It barks! It pees on your leg!
Aibo 3 pees on Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
Optimus Prime: ENOUGH! Where's my weapon of mass destruction?
Wheeljack: Alright, alright geez…
Wheeljack points at another part of the wall. Another panel slides up. The Autobots crane their necks to gaze upon Wheeljack's creation.
Optimus Prime: Yes…this will do. (under his breath) Soon Starscream…soon you will pay for seeing Elita-1 behind my back!
Autobots: …..
*****
Meanwhile, on Cybertron…
McAstrotrain: We're approaching our bonny homeland laddie.
Starscream: We're approaching what now?
McAstrotrain: Cybertron.
Starscream: Oh.
Starscream walks into McAstrotrain's cockpit and looks out the windshield.
Starscream: Ah, Cybertron! My home and…say, what's that big metal thing right in front of-
*CRRRAAASSHH!*
McAstrotrain hits the large chunk of Cybertronian scenery dead-on, sending Starscream flying through the cockpit's windshield. He flies for about forty miles before crashing to the ground face first.
Starscream: This really isn't my day…
Lifting his head up Starscream sees a pair of feet right in front of him. Looking up, he sees that the feet belong to Dirge. Starscream leaps to his feet, where he sees that the Stunticons are also present.
Starscream: Oh, thank Primus, some normal Decepticons! Quickly, we must return to Earth and-
Dirge (ignoring Starscream): Oh boy guys! It's a visitor!
Stunticons: Oh boy!
Starscream (seeing what's happened): Oh no…
Dirge: Let's give him a big Cybertronian welcome!
Stunticons: YEAH!
Dirge and the Stunticons line up and start to sing a song to the tune of 'Welcome to Duloc' from 'Shrek'.
Dirge/Stunticons: Welcome to Cybertron, it's a grand old place,
Residing in the deepest space!
Come on down, on the sly,
Stick around, have some pie,
Cyber-tron, Cyber-tron,
Cybertron's a – grand – OLD – PLAAAAAACCCE!
Drag Strip: Break it down!
The 'Cons start to perform Riverdance with Dirge as Michael Flatley and Wildrider as Jean Butler. Starscream runs like hell.
*****
A few minutes later, in the control room of Decepticon HQ, which is different from the other Decepticon HQ on the grounds that it's on another planet…
Starscream: Shockwave! Shockwave are you here?
Shockwave: Yes, I am here.
Shockwave's swivel chair (yep, all the major Decepticons have swivel chairs. Didn't you know?) spins around to face Starscream. Sitting on it is a tin o' biscuits.
Starscream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tin O' Shockwave: Something bizarre has occurred. Not only have I been turned into a receptacle for tasty Earth treats, all of the other Decepticons on Cybertron have started acting oddly.
Starscream: How so?
Tin O' Shockwave: Look at the monitor.
Starscream looks at the monitor, which is showing what is happening outside. The first Decepticon we see is Ramjet. He now has HUGE eyes and is wearing a red cap and a green backpack. When he speaks his words are woefully out of sync with the movements of his mouth.
Ramjet: HA HA! Thrust! My greatest arch-nemesis! Prepare to be defeated! HA HA!
The camera swivels around to reveal Thrust. He also has HUGE eyes and is speaking out of sync with his mouth movements. He is wearing a blue poncho and a medallion.
Thrust: HA HA! I think not! It is YOU who will taste defeat this day! HA HA!
Ramjet reaches into subspace and pulls out a red and white ball. He throws it.
Ramjet: BULBAMUCK, I CHOOSE YOU!
The ball bursts open in midair and out pops Runamuck, now painted light blue with a green plant bulb on his back.
Bulbamuck: BULBAMUCK!
Thrust also pulls a red and white ball out of subspace and throws it. Thrust: GO, RUNACHU! The ball bursts open in midair and out pops Runabout, who is now yellow with a lightning bolt shaped tail and pointy ears.Runachu: RUNACHU!
Thrust: RUNACHU, USE LIGHTNING!
Runachu (powering up): RUNACHUUUUUUUUUUUU!
The monitor screen flares up with a flashing array of lights.
Starscream: DEAR PRIMUS! MY EYES!
Tin O' Shockwave: I'm afraid that I cannot send any troops down to Earth in this condition.
Starscream (rubbing his eyes): I thought not…
Starscream makes to leave.
Tin O' Shockwave: I have one question though.
Starscream: Yeah?
Tin O' Shockwave (taking off his lid): Would you like a coconut cream biscuit?
Starscream stares at the tin shaped Decepticon before silently walking out of the control room. He walks out of the base, then throws himself to his knees and raises his arms.
Starscream: HAS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE GONE MAD?!?!?!
Scorpius (walking past): Yes.
Starscream (confused): Oh.
TBC…
Well that was exciting AND confusing, yes? Join me next time for the epic(?) conclusion! Will Starscream survive Prime's rage? Will Megatron be separated from Ratchet? Will Shockwave convince the other Decepticons to try a coconut cream biscuit? Find out in Chapter 6: Showdown!, coming any day now!
