Chapter 6: Showdown!
Decepticon HQ (Earth)…
We are in the control with Chibi Soundwave who is manning a com system. Thunderbunny hops in, now completely transformed into a bunny rabbit, albeit with wings and those weird blue shoulder things no one can name.
Thunderbunny: Anything?
Chibi Soundwave: Not yet. However, I predict they will return very soon…
Suddenly McAstrotrain crashes through the ceiling in shuttle mode.
Chibi Soundwave: …or even right now.
McAstrotrain's hatch opens with a creak and Starscream staggers out.
Thunderbunny: Well?
Starscream: They can't help us. We'll need to rely on our own strength, wit and cunning to defeat the Autobots.
Thunderbunny (gasping): So that means…
Starscream (darkly): Yep. We're doomed.
Suddenly Skywarp walks in. He still has the body of a little girl, but he is now wearing an oversized Brondby IF jersey.
Skywarp: WHAAAZZAAAPP!
Decepticons: WHHHHAAAAZZZAAAPP!
Starscream: Where on Iacon have you been?
Skywarp: Denmark. I think I finally lost that demented doll there…
On the 'E' of 'there' Mr. Gosh lumbers into the room.
Mr. Gosh: THERE you are my curvaceous vixen! Come to me!
Skywarp: EEK!
McAstrotrain transforms all of a sudden, crushing the love struck doll.
Skywarp: Whew…
Just then MTV came on the monitor.
Attractive Female Host: YEAH! WOO! And today we're talkin' about one of the hottest new boy bands around! That's right girls, we're talkin'… BACKSTREET LIFE!
Decepticons: …WHAT?!?!
A picture of the Constructicons (a.k.a. Backstreet Life) pops up. They are wearing a startling mix of leather and denim and are adopting poses which make them look like right gits. Bonecrusher now has a goatee while Scrapper has a mysterious patch of spiky hair.
Attractive Female Host: And they're here today to perform their No.1 single, "Born To Touch Your Thingy Baby ALRIGHT!"! So give it up for…BACKSTREET LIFE!
The camera cuts to a TV stage. It is dark and all that can be seen are five giant silhouettes. A god-awful singing voice can be heard. Suddenly the lights flare on and Backstreet Life jump around to face the audience of teenage girls. The next few words are lost in the hypersonic screaming of the girls. A number of signs being hoisted by various girls can be seen. One reads, "Long Haul, I love you!", another proclaims "Bonecrusher, marry me!" while yet another says, "Hook, I'm pregnant!"
Back to the Decepticons who have just read this message.
Starscream (very quietly): We did not see that…
Chibi Soundwave: Actually, given our superior optics there is little chance that we-
Starscream (just as quietly but with a measure of force): We – did – not – see – that.
*****
On some road leading to Decepticon HQ…
Two old timers sit on the porch of a shack by the side of the road. They rock back and forth in their chairs for a bit. It's all mighty peaceful. Then a convoy of Autobots tear down the road, followed by a massive Weapon of Destruction. The shack is destroyed by the wind kicked up by the movement.
Ol' Bert: Gonna hafta rebuild the house…
Ol' Ernie: A-yup.
*****
Back at the big ol' sinister hideout that is DHQ…
Starscream walks into the Insecticons quarters. He finds Bombshell sleeping on one of the beds. Leads are leading from an open panel in his head to a monitor, which is watched by Shrapnel and Kickback.
Starscream: What's going on here?
Kickback: SHHH! His dream's getting good!
Starscream: Excuse me?
Starscream gazes at the monitor, which he quickly recognizes as a Dream Recorder. The dream being shown was a snowboarding competition. Bombshell is standing there, dressed exactly like a snowboarder, if the snowboarder in question happened to be color blind, with Elise and Marisol from SSX Tricky fighting over him.
Marisol: He's MINE, you bitch!
Elise: Like hell he is you slut!
Bombshell (in a deep Barry White voice): OH YEAH!
Starscream: I don't believe this…
Kickback: Dude, I know! It's SO obvious he should pick Elise. She so fiiiiiinne!
Starscream considers a life inside a straightjacket.
Shrapnel: Dude! What're you saying? It's gotta be Marisol, Marisol!
Kickback: Elise!
Shrapnel: Marisol, Marisol!
Kickback: ELISE!
Shrapnel: MARISOL, MARISOL!
Starscream quietly backs out of the room and closes the door. Laserbeak flies up and lands on his shoulder. They walk into the control room.
Starscream: By Primus, Laserbeak, what am I going to do? You're the only one I can count on now…
Laserbeak: Really? Well, in that case Star-didily-ars-scream, you can coun-diddily-ount on me by golly!
Starscream (cradling his face in his hands): I want my mommy…
Megachet: AAAAAAGGGHHH!
Starscream: Quiet you!
Automated Voice: DANGER! DANGER! AUTOBOTS DETECTED IN VICINITY!
Starscream: DECEPTICONS! ASSAMBLE AT MAIN GATE NOW!
*****
Outside Decepticon HQ…
Starscream, Thunderbunny, Skywarp, Chibi Soundwave, McAstrotrain, Rumble, Laserbeak, Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell (in his snowboarding gear complete with snowboard) are standing outside the base waiting for the Autobots.
Skywarp: Don't worry Starscream, they'll have to get through us if they want you. Right guys?
Decepticons: YEAH!!
Starscream (genuinely touched): Thanks you guys…
Suddenly Jazz, Windcharger, Hound, Bluestreak, Grimlock, Inferno, Bumblebee, Blaster, Gears and Wheeljack turn up.
Gears: Hi, how are ya?
McAstrotrain: Och, wee bonnie Autobot lad! We're not giving up Starscream with nary a fight!
All Transformers: Huh?
Grimlock (in posh English accent): I'm afraid you've leapt to rather the wrong conclusion my dear triple changer. Your erroneous assumption will be your downfall.
Bluestreak giggles.
Grimlock: Oh, cease your annoying prattling, you Prowl wannabe!
Bluestreak runs off crying.
Thunderbunny: It'll take more than you to beat us!
Wheeljack: Yeah, we figured as much. That's why we brought this…
The Autobots step aside to reveal…the Psycho Gundam MK 3!!!
Focus on Starscream, who is gazing up at the insanely powerful Mobile Suit.
Starscream: HA! You may have an enormously powerful weapon on your side, but we have something far more potent: teamwork and friendship! Right guys?
Starscream looks around to find that the 'Cons have disappeared.
Starscream: Guys?
He keeps looking around and eventually spots them running off into the distance.
Starscream: BASTARDS!
Optimus Prime (from inside the Psycho's cockpit): Now Starscream…now you DIE!
Starscream: AUUUGGGHH!
The Psycho opens up with gunfire from its shoulders. Starscream barely dodges them and fires his null ray. It hits with very little effect. The Psycho then opens various gun ports on its body. The entire scenery turns black with little pink streaking effects for no discernable reason.
Mysterious Voice: YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Starscream: Huh?
The Psycho opens up with an array of lasers, sending Starscream flying. It then walks over to the battered Seeker, pulls back its arm and unsheathes a laser sword.
Mysterious Voice: YOU CAN'T DEFEND!
Starscream: Says you!
Starscream rolls out of the way just in the nick of time as the Psycho brings the sword up in a sweeping motion. Putting the sword away it reopens the gun ports and the scenery goes funny again.
Mysterious Voice: YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Starscream: Alright, that does it. Who the hell keeps saying that and playing that weird yet mightily funky music?
Starscream walks over to a large bush and moves it aside, revealing Cliffjumper with a microphone, some huge speakers and a CD player.
Cliffjumper (meekly): Hi!
Starscream stares for a moment, then raises his null ray.
*BLAM!*
Jazz: He killed my other little buddy!
Cliffjumper: No actually, I'm still alive…
Grimlock: The cad!
Cliffjumper: Uh, guys?
Optimus Prime: ATTACK!
Starscream: Aw nerts!
Starscream runs back inside and closes the doors. He quickly bars them and runs to his quarters.
Starscream (on his knees and shouting at the ceiling): Alright fine! You've beaten me! You've managed to bring me to the brink of death and madness in only a few days! It usually takes me a few months to do it on my own! What do you want anyway? An apology? Well fine; I'M SORRY!
Voice of Old Gypsy Man: See, was that so hard?
Starscream: Wha?
There is a blinding flash and a popping sound. Starscream unbars the doors and goes outside to see nothing.
Starscream: Huh. That was easy.
*****
On a random asteroid…
Optimus Prime: How the hell did we end up here?!?!
Cliffjumper: I dunno.
Inferno (pointing at a random crater): BURN!
*****
Back at Decepticon HQ…
Starscream is relaxing in a chair when Thundercracker and Skywarp come in, back top normal. Well, as normal as thirty-foot alien robots who transform into Earth jets can be.
Starscream: Ah, so you're back I see. Is everyone back to normal?
Skywarp: Yep. The Constructicons just came back. Said their label dumped 'em. Somethin' about how sexy giant robots were so last June.
Starscream: So, all's well that ends well, yeah?
Thundercracker: What are you talking about? They're still having Pokemon battles up on Cybertron. It's Blitzwing vs. Frenzy next Tuesday.
Skywarp: And Megatron's still fused with Ratchet.
Megachet: NUUUUUURRREEEAAAKK!
Starscream: Yep, all's well that ends well.
Shrapnel runs up to Starscream and kicks him on the shins.
Starscream: OW!
Shrapnel (from a safe distance and through a megaphone): Sorry, sorry!
THE END
