If he really cared, Cole probably would have been cold, but the January air couldn't touch the ice in his soul. The last twenty-four hours was still a blur. He had gone home, and was glad to see Xander was still at work. Cole had no idea what he was going to do, or what he even wanted. Xander would have encouraged him to talk to him or call Alicia or something, but he wanted to be alone. Nobody understood. They didn't get it. What do you do when you have to live after the good part of your life is over?
The others had relationships and dated and it didn't bother them. Alicia's life was obvious. Xander, well, Cole knew what the deal was with him. Cray liked "playing the field". Ty was very happy in his marriage to Karen. Lon had tried the marriage route, but he and Vicki called it quits after about four years. She had known there was something he was keeping from her, and that doomed it from the start, but the point was that he tried it. They all thought Cole was just hanging on to excess baggage from Manticore, and trying to be the tough lone wolf. They didn't understand.
It was face Xander or get the hell out of there. Maybe it was the coward's way, but Cole threw a few things in a gym bag and headed out the door after changing into civilian clothes. He thought his decisions were random, but he come here of all places. He was cold and tired and the last thing he wanted was to be here. To have to explain why he had broken his promise to Dana.
The paths they had once used were overgrown with brambles that hid in the snow to rip and tear at clothing and flesh, but Cole didn't notice. His feet found the right paths instinctively while his mind was stuck in the past. Everything was the same as it had been all those years ago. He'd been back here once after Alicia left, the day they discovered what was going to happen to them after Manticore dissolved. Cole had been relived that the Alpha Team's speech had been accepted, and they were going to be placed into different branches of service. He'd come out here to say good-bye to everything, and be a Manticore soldier for another hour before becoming an Air Force pilot.
And then there he was. The trees parted into a clearing with one huge and gnarled tree in the middle. It was dead now, the leaves somewhere beneath the snow, but the tree was ancient, and would return to life with the thaw. Cole looked around. Maybe the forest had encroached a little, but not enough to really make a difference. It was still their place. It was so easy to remember the day the three of them had found it during escape and evasion training. Training was forgotten as they explored the monstrous tree, some of its long limbs thicker than their own bodies. None of them had to say anything. They knew right off the bat that this was a special place. Whatever happened, they could come here and talk it out no matter what.
Cole remembered the first time he'd come here after him and Dana…after…after they had finished a mission faster than it was thought possible and had over a day to kill at the rendezvous site. They had always been closer to each other than any of the others. How were they to know the difference between loving a sibling and loving for real? But somehow they had, and Cole could remember every single detail of that exquisite night when they had both lost their virginity to each other. He could still see her face, her eyes wide with the new sensations. Embarrassment at his own clumsiness. Hell, they were only fourteen. The first time he had brought pleasure to her. All the smiles and laughter and passion.
And then they had come home, and been separated. Cole had come here, and Alicia was waiting for him. At least, that's what it had seemed like. She was just there. He'd climbed up and confessed everything. She had listened to everything. The only thing he hadn't told her was about the expanding mental abilities that Dana had confessed she was having as well. For some reason, they both knew not to tell anyone. Alicia had been quiet for a long time after hearing the story and then finally warned him to be careful.
"You know what will happen if anyone finds out, don't you?" she'd asked. He had nodded. "Then be really, really careful and don't get caught." That wasn't the reaction he was expecting from Alicia. An explosion of profanity was more her style. Then again, there had never been a display like that in this place. It was a place of calm and soothing, not wild displays. And maybe that was why so many years later; Cole was freezing himself as he stood there, one hand out to gently caress the rough bark.
"Dana," he whispered, saying her name aloud for the first time in so many years. He leaned his forehead against the tree, remembering so easily everything about her. "I'm so sorry my love," he whispered, not noticing the tears that were on his face. "I know I swore to you that I would never get close like that to anyone else. I am so sorry, Angel. I never meant to betray you. You were the only person the always believed me no matter what. I let you down. I'm sorry…it won't happen again."
Across the span of time he could hear her voice. "Remember me, Cole. Never forget."
"I can't forget you," he murmured. "I never meant to fall in love with you. They think I should just forget about you, but I can't. I can't."
Cole lifted his head sharply, sensing someone near. His eyes swept the edges of the clearing, and spotting her easily. She wasn't trying to hide, but she wasn't exactly announcing her presence either. Cole really didn't care though. He had thought he wanted to be alone, to deal with it alone as he had always. But he hadn't dealt with it alone. He'd had Alicia to keep him sane, and once again, she was the one standing there, being there for him as she always had in one way or the other.
Alicia had been leaning against a tree, watching him for several minutes. For once, she had no idea what to say to Cole. Even the first time she'd seen him after being gone for four years she had been able to walk right up to him and talk. This was different. Maybe it was this place. It had been so long since she had been here, hell, it had been a long time since she'd even thought of it. After all these years, it was still their place though, their talks and laughter and fights still clinging to the trees in a ghostly echo, and then suddenly Alicia knew what she needed to say.
She was maybe fifteen feet away from Cole, and when she spoke, her voice was low, but still carried through the cold January air. "Did I ever tell you about the nightmares I used to have?" she asked, finally walking to him.
"I just knew you were having bad dreams," he said softly, not sure what the hell she was trying to get at. He was too tired to try and grab it from her mind.
"It was always the same," she said, and then pointed to the far end of the clearing. "It was always here, and I would walk into this place right over there." She started walking to the tree, acting out the dream more than remembering it. "The helicopter wreckage was all over the place, and I could smell it burning and the smoke would sting my eyes." She smiled bitterly. "That's when I would try and wake myself up by telling myself it was just a dream because the accident was nowhere near here. Never worked."
"I would see her standing there, right at the base of the tree," Alicia continued, pointing. She was almost floating towards it, every detail still so clear in her mind. "And I would tell her over and over that I was sorry, and ask her to forgive me." She paused, trying not to cry thinking about it. When she picked back up there was a definite tremor to her voice. "I would tell myself not to go to her because I knew what was going to happen, but I would every time anyways. She would turn around, and instead of it being Dana, it was this…this burned corpse. And it was always reaching for me…accusing me…hating me for what I had done to her."
Alicia shivered, feeling like she was coming back to reality. She turned back to Cole. "I had that same dream over and over for years. It went away for a while, but whenever I was under stress, it was waiting for me every night. After I had Daniel, I thought I was having it because Dana was accusing me of abandoning you all. There was a point where I was on the verge of contacting you and going back to Manticore."
Cole blinked. He had never heard Alicia admit to that. He knew she had left Zack for about a month when Heather was a baby, and he was pretty sure he knew what she had done while she was gone, but that was after Manticore had been dissolved. She had wanted to go back before then? What the hell did all this have to do with Dana anyways?
"I never called you though," Alicia continued. "I couldn't leave my baby and I couldn't leave Zack, and when we found out that Manticore had been ended, the dreams stopped for a while, and I felt better, but eventually they came back and it took another pregnancy to realize that it wasn't going back to Manticore I needed, it was to end it for myself."
Cole closed his eyes for a moment; not wanting to hear what he knew was coming. He should just forget about everything and move on with his life. That was the past, and he should just run back and be a good little soldier and do the right thing. He was tired of being the good little soldier. If Alicia didn't understand than nobody could. He had thought she had to though. When she had come back from Seattle after dealing with the Reds, he thought she finally understood how he felt. They had come here and she told him everything about Zack and what had happened, and actually admitted that she had fallen in love with him. Cole had thought maybe their situation was crueler in a way than his. At least he knew Dana was gone. To be in the world with her, but never able to touch or see or talk to her? That was worse than death.
Alicia had never been the huggy sort of person. She did not like to be touched. Cole knew how much the events had changed her when they had been in the tree and she started to cry. That was a rare enough phenomenon. Without thinking, Cole had gone to her and held her, and she let him. They had spent a long time like that, holding each other and talking about Zack and finally Dana and how it had all come around. He wasn't sure if he felt better for it, but it was good to know there was someone who understood what he was going through. And now, years later, it she told him to forget it, then she was the one who had forgotten.
"Cole," Alicia said softly, making him open his eyes. "I needed to find my own balance in this world. So do you. It's not a matter of forgetting. It's finding a place you can live and be happy."
"If it was Zack you wouldn't be saying that," Cole said, not able to keep the bitterness from edging into his voice. "You'd never let go of him. If he died tonight…"
"If he died," she interrupted gently, "then I would have twenty years of memories, not to mention the four living memories of everything we had together. That's the difference. We have had a life together, a real one that didn't include bonding under barbed wire."
Cole had to smile at that old joke. It was something that Alicia had teased him and Dana about long ago, and he would have thought she would have forgotten it by now. Alicia took his hand, and her eyes probed his for a long moment. "Ask yourself one question," she ordered firmly. "Do you love her, or do you remember loving her?"
Cole's mouth opened, and then snapped shut again. That was something he had never posed to himself. His immediate response was that of course he still did. But they did have perfect memories, didn't they? He had never once questioned if it was memory or not. There was no way he would ever deny that he did love her. But…he needed time to think.
Alicia saw all of the conflicting emotions on his face. He was so tired. That was obvious. He needed to sort a lot out on his own. Xander had called her and told her that Cole had taken off and gave her a rundown on what had happened. He wasn't thrilled when she laughed at him when he told her about Cole breaking his nose, but he did tell her what he suspected, especially considering Cole's behavior over the last couple of weeks. Xander said Cole seemed totally at odds with himself. Cole was always strong and confident, and seeing him lost was unnerving.
She squeezed his hand lightly. Well, lightly for them at any rate. "Whatever time you need to decide what you need, take it. But you do need to figure out what you really want. I know Xander thinks you got fouled up on Janice, but she doesn't really matter." She smiled, remembering something he had said to her so many years before. "Remember everything that you and Dana were. Then let it all fall into place." She paused for a moment. "And whatever happens, you should tell Janice if you can or can't. She deserves that much. And that's all I can really say. The rest is up to you." She gave him one more smile, and then let go of him, walking away towards the trees.
Cole knew he didn't have to say anything. It was easy to stay in the memories and get lost there. He wanted to hide in the past; he wanted to come into the future. A few months before and he had been so confident in himself and how he viewed life. Now everything was upside down, and there wasn't anything to blame but himself. What had he really done?
"Leecee!" Cole called out suddenly. He hadn't realized he was going to say it until his mouth opened. She stopped and turned around, one eyebrow arched. Cole wavered for a moment, and then said something he had wanted to say, but never could before. "I never said thank you for pulling rank on me," he said quickly. "Thank you."
Alicia didn't say anything, just walked back to him quickly with purposeful strides, and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back just as tightly. There wasn't a need to ask what he was talking about. There had only been one time ever that she had ever told him to stand down. It was at Dana's funeral when she had scattered the ashes. Cole was going to, but she had taken the urn. He had tried to protest, but she told him to back off. She was the commander; she was going to do it.
"You saved my life," Cole said softly, admitting it for the first time. Somehow, someway, she had known he couldn't let her ashes fly. The second he opened that jar; she had known he would go into the water with them. She had forced him back and done it herself, no matter how much she didn't want to. She had the first nightmare about Dana the night before and wanted nothing to do with touching the burned remains. But she had for Cole.
"If you want to thank me," Alicia whispered, "then be happy. I'd hate to think I saved your rank ass just to make you miserable."
Cole couldn't help a little snort of laughter. "I thought you would have done that over what happened in Tokyo." Alicia laughed. Him helping her act as a Geisha Girl, and then taking pictures to show everyone was almost grounds for death.
"Do you want to come home with me for a while?" she asked.
Cole shook his head. "No. Not right now. I have some thinking to do…and I need to go home soon." He put his arm around her shoulders and they left the clearing together, the old tree quietly watching and absorbing as it had for centuries before and centuries to come.
