Janice paused when she heard the knock at her front door. She looked at the carrots she was slicing and then over towards the living room. It was tempting to pretend she wasn't in. It could be her mother. It could be her sister. Maybe she would be lucky and it was a friendly neighborhood serial killer. That thought cheered her up just a bit. It was actually probably Cyra. The kid knew that something had gone wrong in Janice's romantic life, but unlike her mother, knew not to demand answers. She had shown up Saturday night with brownies and "Fried Green Tomatoes". There was no cure for the "I-Hate-Men" blues like that combination.
Romantic life, Janice thought bitterly as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel and went to the door. What romantic life? A few dates with one guy. Big deal. One incredible night. Who cares? She needed to be concentrating on her career anyways. Men were a distraction that could be substituted by a pint of Ben & Jerry's Double Fudge Brownie ice cream. She opened the door, ready to invite in either Cyra or the hoped-for serial killer. Wrong on both counts. Cole. Standing there. In her hall. Like nothing was wrong. Just standing there with his hands in his jacket pockets. Cole.
Cole knew the temperature outside was cold, but it couldn't compare with how frosty that hallway got the second Janice realized who was standing there. For the briefest second he thought she might have seemed happy to see him, but that could have been his imagination. What followed was dead silence, and he was pretty sure the temperature dropped by at least twenty degrees. Was it possible that Xander had exaggerated about Janice this morning when he saw Cole? No, that had never happened before when Xander was still a little mad at him.
"Hey," he greeted her uncertainly. He was hoping for some noise from her. Some kind of response. He deserved being yelled at. Hell, her flipping him off would be a start. She was just standing there, staring at him with absolutely no emotion on her face. The elevator door chimed, and for a moment he glanced over at it, hoping it wasn't Xander coming to offer him a hand like he had threatened to do earlier. A woman with a yapping poodle stepped out of the elevator.
The moment he was distracted, there was suddenly an explosion of pain along his eye and cheek as Janice's fist made contact. He hadn't been expecting it at all, and the force of her punch knocked him off balance, and he stumbled backwards into the wall. He stared at her for a moment, more shocked than hurt really. He had a second to note the now smug expression of satisfaction on her face before she slammed the door.
The woman with the poodle was standing there, gathering the dog in her arms, but frozen to the spot. Cole ignored the embarrassment of having an audience, and pounded on the door. Damn it, he was trying to be nice and apologize. He knew she wanted him to do that and then all was supposed to be fine. Him getting a black eye was not part of the deal.
"Janice! Open the goddamn door!" he shouted.
The door flew back open, and this time there was no mistaking the absolute fury in her eyes. "What Cole?" she shouted back at him. "Want another quickie? Sorry, Madame Miller's is closed for business."
"That's not…" what he shot back, but she cut him off.
"Bullshit!" she shouted back at him. "You know, the next time you decide to use a woman like a whore, make sure you leave a twenty by the bedside so she'll really know what you think!" She slammed the door again.
Cole slammed his fist against the door, but he already knew she wasn't opening it again. Why must she make everything difficult? "Fine!" he shouted to the closed door, and then spun on his heel to walk away. He managed three steps towards the elevator, not really noticing the woman with the poodle hugging it closer, her eyes wide. He stopped. "Not fine at all," he growled to himself. She was going to listen to him whether she liked it or not.
You are not going to cry, Janice ordered herself once again when she heard Cole's shout and footsteps. Bastard! She was going to New Orleans that weekend, and getting a voodoo doll and all the pins were going to be centered on one certain area. Her hand hurt. She crossed the living room quickly to get some ice for it. She really decked him hard. God, Emma was out there. Her next-door neighbor just went from thinking she was all nice and quiet to running a bordello in here. Emma's police officer husband was just going to love that.
The loud crack at her front door caught her attention. Janice spun around; her eyes wide, as the door flew open, almost ripping itself off of its hinges. It hit the back of the wall with a loud slam as Cole dropped his leg from the kick that he had just used as a doorknob and then he strode right in. Janice couldn't move as he walked up to her, his eyes blazing into hers.
"You're going to listen to me and give me the chance to apologize," he said in a low growl.
"What could you possible apologize for?" she snapped sarcastically. "You made your opinions about us quite clear. No need to say you're sorry about it." She turned away from him quickly, not wanting him to see the tears trying to form in her eyes. He wasn't worth crying over.
Cole grabbed her arm, spinning her back to face him, his hand catching the back of her neck and holding her in place. "I'm sorry that I fucked up and hurt you," he said slowly through gritted teeth. "I had to leave to get my head together, but I am sorry I hurt you."
The sheer closeness was too much for Janice to handle. Their faces were mere inches apart. For a second she thought he was going to kiss her, and was immediately furious by the…by the dammed longing for him to. She wanted to believe him. Part of her did, and that part wouldn't let her speak, and yell the things that would make him leave. The rest of her decided that non-verbal action would be appropriate. She stomped on his toe as hard as she could, making him release her.
"Get out!" she yelled, her voice cracking as she held back the tears. She wanted to say more, but she was going to start sobbing if she did. God, he had to be standing there looking sincere. Angry, but sincere. No! She was not even going to think that. He had walked out on her, not the other way around. He ruined it permanently, and if he thought a little "I'm sorry" was going to fix everything, he was dead wrong. She took a deep breath, and steeled herself.
"I want you out of here now!" she said firmly.
Cole and sensitivity didn't go well together. He'd been through enough of an emotional roller coaster lately, and didn't need this from her. He was the one humbling himself; the least she could do was listen to him for two minutes without screaming. He grabbed her arm again, holding it tightly. She was not going to walk away from him.
"You," he declared, "need to get over this. I said I was sorry. What else do you want?"
"To get off of me!" she yelled, jerking back to no avail. There was no way she was going to get away from him until he let her go.
"I think you need to let her go right now, sir," a voice came from behind them. Cole and Janice paused and looked over Cole's shoulder. Janice's next-door neighbor, in police uniform, was standing there. The officer looked at Janice. "Are you alright Janice?" he asked.
She jerked back again, this time Cole letting her pull away from him. She gave him a furious glare before answering. "I'm fine Harold," she replied. "Just trying to take out some trash." Cole rolled his eyes at that rather childish insult.
Harold came into the apartment, amazed at the damaged door. Emma hadn't exaggerated at all about this guy kicking in the door. "Sir," he said, falling into his polite policeman's attitude, the one they use right before the nightstick comes out, "I think you need to step away from her and let's cool down."
Cole took a single step back, trying to keep his cool. He could always knock the cop out and drag her out of there kicking and screaming and take her somewhere that she couldn't get away and had to talk to him. That would be the less mature of the options. He was trying to deal with this in a less-than-spectacular way, he really was. If she didn't ease up in the next two minutes, he was going back to plan A.
The officer came in more, assessing the situation, the broken door weighing heavily on his mind. He had liked these apartments for their reinforced doors. It made it much harder for a criminal to break in. From what Emma had said, this guy had hit the door with a single kick and took it down. You had to be careful with a guy like that. He might seem to be backing down, but you couldn't be too careful.
"Sir," Janice heard Harold say to Cole. "I'm going to put you in handcuffs right now. You're not under arrest, but that's standard practice. She smirked at Cole as Harold moved up behind him and grabbed his wrist. Cole didn't try to resist, instead meeting her eyes and not saying anything.
"I know what I want," she said with false sweetness. "I think I'm just going to shoot you and be done with it." She spun around quickly, and headed to her bedroom.
Harold heard her words and froze at the unexpected turn of events. He thought she was a secretary or something like that somewhere in government bureaucracy. Cole thought for a second and then looked over his shoulder. "You do realize she's not exaggerating," he said, and then took matters into his own hands.
It was rare that he allowed himself the luxury of moving at full speed in front of a norm. It was understood that you would only reveal yourself in a matter of extreme situation. This counted. He whipped around, moving almost too fast to be seen by the human eye. Harold didn't have a chance. One second he was about to snap the handcuff around Cole's wrist, and the next he was the one with the handcuffs on. There wasn't even the time to shout as his second pair was suddenly snapped around the first one, and he was thrown into the front door.
Cole didn't mean to hurt the cop, but he had to chain him where he wouldn't be a problem, and the door seemed as good of a place as any. It wasn't his fault that the cop's head smacked the door, and he slumped to the ground. He was still breathing, and he had gotten the door shut. Cole used the empty cuff around the doorknob, and then went after Janice.
Janice wasn't sure if she really meant to shoot Cole or not, but she did go straight to her closet and pulled out her nine millimeter. That should do more than just sting him. She threw open her door to the hall, and he was already there. She gasped, jerking back. Damn his little ability to sneak up on people! Her eyes darted down the hall then back to Cole. "Tear up the door and kill my neighbor, thanks a hell of a lot Cole. Getting me kicked out of my place is a great way to apologize."
"The cop's fine," Cole replied, wondering if this was really worth all the trouble. She gave him a sarcastic smile.
"Thank you oh so much then," she snapped, and then leveled the gun on him. "I told you to go, now get out."
Playtime was over. He was just standing there, and then suddenly, Janice was in the hall, pinned up against the wall. Cole slammed her wrist against the wall, not hard enough to break it, but enough to make her let go of the gun. It clattered to the ground, and Janice almost regretted not having clicked off the safety. It would have served the bastard right to be shot in the foot. But for that moment Cole seemed to have the upper hand.
He held her against the wall, his body shoving hers back, one hand holding both her wrists above her head easily. His eyes blazed into hers, but she was obviously not intimidated as she glared right back at him, but she couldn't help a tiny trickle of fear in the pit of her stomach. There really wasn't much she could do to stop him from doing whatever he wanted.
"Don't even tell me to let you go," he growled, their noses almost touching. "I'm not letting you go until you listen to me." His free hand grabbed her chin and kept her from looking away. She didn't try to fight him. Her eyes met his, and then there was a sudden explosion of pain where her knee made contact with his groin. It wasn't as hard as she could have, their positioning not giving her the right balance for a good hard hit, but it was enough to double him over.
Cole tried to make a grab at her, but only caught the strap of her tank top. Janice jerked back, ripping the strap, and he couldn't make himself go for a better hold. Instead he grabbed the wall for support. He should have known from Xander that she had no mercy or pity or sense of fair play when it came to going for the most sensitive part of the male anatomy. He grit his teeth against the pain. If there was one good thing about his Manticore training, it was that they had learned to work through pain. He wasn't walking exactly normal, but he could walk, and this time, he wasn't going to be nice about it. He'd taken two hits from her; he wasn't going to take another.
Cole moved down the hall like silent death, his eyes cold, mouth set in a grim line. The living room was empty. Kitchen. He moved to the doorway, ready to move fast and strike when he heard her. Anger dissipated at the sound of the single sniff. She was crying. He paused, uncertain as to what to do now. Anger and yelling he was used to in his family. Knife fights were just a way to get out frustration. Hell, Heather had popped someone off a cliff in a moment of extreme stress. Crying was an altogether strange and unusual territory.
He went into the kitchen. She kept her back to him, and spoke, her tone dull and lifeless as she quickly wiped tears from her face. "Just go. You're forgiven, it's forgotten, just go." Now Cole really felt like a total rat bastard. If someone were yelling, they would forgive you once they got it out. Crying…crying might not mean that.
"Jan…" he said, not sure what to say to make it better. He didn't want to tell her everything. He didn't think he could explain it all to her. Cole moved up behind her, wanting to take her in his arms and let her know that he really was sorry.
Janice felt him come close, and whirled around before he could touch her. There was no way she was letting him touch her ever again. He'd done enough to her. "Don't you get it?" she snarled, her fury hot enough to burn. "It's over Cole! All the apologies in the world won't help. I don't trust you, and I don't want you near me." She glanced over at the counter where she had been chopping carrots that were still just a little too far away. The knife on it was sharp as hell, and if anything would make Cole know she was serious, a few scratches might. Janice wasn't the slap-fight sort of woman. She went for blood.
Cole caught the glance and mentally sighed, reminding himself that good things typically didn't come easily. That was all well and good when you didn't have a very pissed off CIA operative to deal with. She wasn't getting the chance to get to that knife, and he needed to distract himself from that torn tank top. She had been wearing it with a denim shirt over it like a jacket, but the shirt didn't cover the fact the tank top was severely angled now, and the top half of her breast was exposed.
He moved fast, grabbing her arms quickly, remembering to be careful about her knees. There wasn't a wall close enough, so his leg jerked between hers, twisted, and then they were both on the floor. Cole used his greater weight to keep her pinned down flat, his hands locking her wrists to the floor. Well, this was useful. Now what?
Janice was determined not to give him the satisfaction of flailing her legs about in a useless attempt to get away from him. She was sick of this and just wanted him to leave. There wasn't anything he could say to make an excuse for what he had done. When you worked with almost exclusively men, you heard every excuse in the book. There wasn't anything Cole could come up with that she hadn't heard quoted already from the Manual of Maleness.
"Get off of me!" she hissed, not able to help wiggling a bit. "What Cole, did you come over here to fuck me again? Is that it? Go ahead and do it then, since that's all you've ever wanted from me." She didn't really think he had any plans on that, even if he kept glancing down where her shirt was ripped, but she wanted to make him angry enough to leave.
"I told you; you are going to goddamn listen to me!" he yelled back at her furiously. "I'm trying…"
"Trying what?" she snarled, interrupting him. "There's nothing you can say…"
"You scared the hell out of me!" he shouted. Janice blinked, momentarily stunned into silence. That wasn't what she was expecting to hear from the likes of him. Cole took a breath, and continued, his voice lower now. "I couldn't handle what you were doing to me. I didn't know how to handle it, and that scared the hell out of me. I didn't think you would be so different, but you were and I didn't have a chance."
Janice's heart was slamming hearing his words. True, she had heard a version of that from her male friends, the old "it's not you, it's me" story, but there was honesty in his eyes and emotion in his voice. No. She wasn't going to believe this. It was all just some kind of story for some sick reason. Instinct told her there was more to this, and if he wasn't willing to come clean with her, she wasn't going to believe half the story.
"Let me go," she said softly. Cole looked away from her and she felt him release her wrists. He got off of her and walked over to the window, staring out into the streets below.
Janice got off of the floor hesitantly, not sure what the next move should be. He still wasn't telling her everything, and that was the most irritating thing of all. She had scared him? How? Why? It wasn't like they had just met a few days before. She had thought they were just starting a relationship. An odd thought crossed her mind. Had he known that?
"You walked out on me," she said flatly to his back, not daring to go near him. Her voice picked up more outrage as she continued. "I thought it was pretty clear that we were dating. You sure as hell made it seem like you were interested in something with me other than a one-night stand, so don't give me any of that crap about things just happening out of nowhere. You walked out. You didn't even try to say, 'I'm sorry, this just isn't for me'. You were just gone. And now you think you can come back here and say 'I'm sorry' and give me half an explanation and everything is all better? If that's what you want, then you did it, and you can get the hell out now."
She spun around, gripping the counter, hoping he would just go and not see the tears that had started streaming down her face. She hadn't wanted it to end like this. There had been something between them that was amazing, and she hadn't thought it was going to just be over so coldly. There was utter silence in the kitchen, and for a moment, she thought he must have gone. Noiselessly hands came around from behind her, covering her hands, and she could feel Cole's warm body pressed against hers lightly.
The last thing Cole had planned on doing was saying anything to her about his past or about what had really spooked him so much. He wanted her to accept his apology and let them move on. Together. He almost laughed to think about how difficult she was being. Had he really thought it would take anything less than complete honesty to really apologize to her? When she had turned away from him, he knew. If he was willing to lose her, then he could let pride walk him out of there. Pride sucked. There was a reason why she was different, and in that moment of decision, he finally started to see what it was.
Instead of leaving, he slipped up behind her, taking her hands, and holding her for a moment. She didn't try to shove him off, and he felt damn lousy when he saw the tears on her face. He had been selfish. He wanted to kiss her and tell her over and over that he was sorry until she believed it, but that wasn't going to work, and he knew it. There was only one thing she wanted, and he was going to have to do it. Skydiving into the ocean at midnight was less scary then giving her the ability to hurt him back as badly as he had hurt her.
"You saw a picture once of a funeral, and I didn't say much about it," he said softly near Janice's ear. She didn't move. Cole could feel the emotion welling up, but made himself continue. "Her name was Dana. She…she was a hell of a lot more than a sister to me. She was never a sister to me, even when we were little. She was the person I was closest too, closer than Alicia even. Eventually…"
Cole broke off for a moment, and Janice felt his forehead touch her shoulder. She suddenly realized where this was going, and almost didn't want him to continue. She had asked for it though. The real pain in his voice was enough to let her know that this was the rest of the story, the part he hadn't wanted to tell her. Pity rose up in her unbidden, as she saw now why he hadn't wanted to say anything. But still, he continued.
"Eventually, we became more," he said quickly. "I loved her since we were kids, and eventually we were together, even if it was secretly. When we were little she was the one I went to if I was upset, and she came to me if she needed someone. I would have done anything for her. There wasn't a risk too great to be with her once we realized what it was between us. And then there was a helicopter accident, and she was gone."
Now Janice understood Xander's remark about the barbeque. Okay, so maybe losing someone you loved in an accident like that could screw you up. As much as she didn't want to, she understood how he could be afraid of another relationship after something that traumatic.
Janice was quiet for a long moment. Cole's heart rate was accelerating as he waited for her to say something to him. He wanted to demand an answer, some kind of response, but knew she was going to have to decide what she wanted. He'd laid it all out, and left himself vulnerable. Dad would be pissed that he'd dropped all the training, but Manticore methods weren't going to get her to understand. She wanted the human route.
"I can't be the replacement," Janice finally said sadly. "Cole, I wanted to be with you." She sniffed, biting her bottom lip to keep from breaking out into sobs. "But I can't fight a dead girl for her place in your heart. I'm human; I'll lose. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but I can't try and take her place."
She expected him to leave. She couldn't make it any plainer that there wasn't going to be a future for them. He was worth fighting for, but she couldn't fight someone that wasn't really there. His hands let go of hers, but instead of leaving, gently turned her around. Janice's breath drew in as she saw his face. A slight smile was gracing his lips, a soft, almost amused look in his eyes. Gently, he took her face in his hand, the other arm snaking around her back.
"You don't get it at all, do you?" he asked softly. His smile widened slightly. "You can't take her place. You can't…" he took a deep breath, "because you already made a place of your own." Cole didn't realize he was going to say that until the words were out of his mouth, but they were the exact right words to express what he wanted to say.
Her tear-filled eyes widened. She couldn't breathe. Was he saying what she thought he was? The sincerity in his eyes made it seem like he was, but…but… Janice looked down, and Cole pulled her close to him. She couldn't fight him anymore. As angry as she had been, she had missed him; missed the feelings she had when she was close to him.
"I can't forget her," Cole said softly, his words muffled slightly from having his face pressed into her hair. "And I don't want to forget her. I'm a better person for having her in my life for a while. But, I want to have someone else in my life now that already means so much to me. She'd want me to be happy. Jan…I need you to be happy. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen. I swear to you I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, but I need you."
Janice looked back up at him, taking his face in her hands and pulling him to her in a heart-stopping kiss that nearly had them back on the floor again. His arms tightened around her as they clung to each other, trying to express so much that couldn't be put into mere words. Or maybe they could.
"Say the words," she whispered when they parted, throwing all caution to the wind. She wanted to know one way or the other, no more games allowed. "If you mean it, say the words."
Their eyes met in an almost agonizing pause. Cole wasn't sure what to say, but the raw emotion crystallized into thought the second their eyes met. Why had he really freaked? What really made him leave? Even if his rational mind hadn't recognized it, his heart had.
"I…I love you," he whispered so quietly it was almost mouthed. Cole's eyes brightened with surprise as he realized he really had said the words. His smile widened infectiously. He almost looked like a little boy at that moment. Janice couldn't help a small smile from forming. "I love you Janice," he said again, more firmly this time. "That's what got to me so bad. I wasn't expecting you, and before I knew it, I was already sunk hook, line and sinker."
He leaned forward and kissed her. Every bit of the sincerity of his words was flowing through in that incredible moment of contact between them. Janice knew he meant it. Everything. Her arms wrapped around his neck, holding him tightly, knowing for sure that he wanted to have a life with her. Cole kissed her back with equal abandon, not caring about anything but letting her know how much he wanted to be with her right then and long into the future.
Janice laughed when they parted. This was real. It should be a dream, but it was real. She brushed a few strands of his hair back, smiling at him. "Cole," she said softly. "Do you realize there's an unconscious police officer chained to my front door?"
They both laughed and he gave her a quick kiss. "Take care of that now?" he suggested. She nodded, and they left the kitchen together.
