Okay, I don't think many of you are actually reading this but here's the next part…=D
~ Part Two: Comfort and Despair ~
Obi-Wan:
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep…
The constant beeping of the EKG monitor both reassured me and gave me cause to despair. On one hand, it was comforting to know that even though my Master was cold and seemingly lifeless his heart was still strong and beating steadily. On the other hand, it only served to remind me that I was now sitting in the Healers' Ward by an unconscious Qui-Gon who had mysteriously collapsed some time this morning.
I sighed, frustrated. The healers were all but ignoring me. I had no idea what was wrong with Qui-Gon and at the rate things were going, I'd be lucky if I ever found out. All I knew was that it was serious. It had to be serious or else why were the healers so busy running back and forth and performing so many tests? If it were something minor – some rare form of the Melorian flu – wouldn't they have figured it out by now?
I reached out and took Qui-Gon's large hand in my own small one. I didn't know if he could hear or sense what was going on, but if he could I wanted him to know that I was here with him and that I wouldn't leave. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone.
Critically I examined Qui-Gon's form. Except for the fact that the healers had him hooked up to all sorts of machines, he looked almost normal. His face was more pale than usual, but other than that it didn't seem like there was anything wrong with him.
A wave of guilt suddenly flowed through me. If I hadn't stayed behind on Melida/Daan then our bond would be stronger than it was now and I might have sensed him collapse. Instead I had just slept through it. What if he had called out to me and I hadn't heard him? Perhaps if I had gotten him here earlier…
"Obi-Wan?" A soft voice spoke from behind me, interrupting my frantic thoughts.
I released the large hand from my grasp and turned around in my chair to see who had called my name. "Jewel," I said, surprised to see an old friend of mine standing in the doorway. Jewel was seventeen and had been training as a healer for the last four years – ever since she realized that she wouldn't be taken as a Padawan but wanted to remain at the Temple anyway. Although most older initiates had always ignored me, Jewel had often taken time away from her own lessons to help me when I was having trouble or listen to me when I needed someone to talk to.
"How are you, Obi-Wan?" She asked softly, and from the tone of her voice I could tell she had something to tell me about Qui-Gon but that she wasn't sure how to phrase it.
"I'm okay, I guess. I'm not the one who's unconscious though. What do you know about Qui-Gon's condition?"
Jewel sighed. She was fighting an inner battle – trying to decide whether to tell me and what to tell me if she did. "Please, Jewel. He's my Master, I need to know what's wrong with him," I urged her gently.
Jewel looked around, apparently making sure that no healers were heading towards the room, before approaching me and sitting down in the chair next to mine. "We don't know much about your Master's condition yet. We have run several tests but everything has turned out normal. According to what we know so far there is no reason your Master should be unconscious."
How could that be possible? If nothing was wrong with him that why wasn't he awake? "Jewel," I grated, "how can nothing be wrong with him? People don't just collapse because of nothing. Maybe you missed something on one of your tests or–"
"That's what we thought also so we redid all of the tests, that's why so many healers have been in here, but they still came back normal. Nothing is physically wrong with your Master."
"Yeah," I exclaimed before thinking, "except for the fact that he's unconscious."
Jewel didn't answer and I immediately let my breath out in a long sigh.
"Are you sure you're alright, Obi-Wan?" she asked, her voice betraying how concerned she truly was.
I shook my head, "I just want to know what's wrong with him. At least if I knew what was wrong then I'd know–" my voice faltered but I forced myself to continue, "at least I'd know if he's going to make it or not."
"Don't give up hope, Obi-Wan," she said softly, "we will find out what's wrong with him, I promise you that. It's much too early to be talking of whether or not he's going to make it. His condition is stable and shows no signs that's it's going to deteriorate. You have to believe that he's going to be alright."
I nodded and squeezed Qui-Gon's hand. I knew she was right, "Thank you, Jewel."
"I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan, I really am," my friend said softly. "If there's anything I can do… Or if you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me."
I forced a small, expressionless smile to appear on my face, "Thank you, Jewel, but right now I just want to be alone with my Master," I said.
Jewel nodded, "I understand." Having said that my friend stood and slowly left the room.
Surrounding Qui-Gon's hand in both of mine I drew his arm up until our intertwined fingers were resting just above my heart. Jewel's news didn't make me feel any better, in fact it only served to verify what I already knew – something was seriously wrong with my Master. If it wasn't something grave they would know what was wrong by now.
"Master," I said softly, "I don't know if you can hear me but…I need you to come back to me. I don't know if I could bear to lose you too. Not after Cerasi–" I faltered suddenly. I felt so childish! I was already acting as if Qui-Gon was going to die and he wasn't. He was going to make it through this. He had to.
"Obi-Wan," I recognized Master Healer Alida's voice from behind me.
I clutched Qui-Gon's hand tightly, using that comfort to give me strength for whatever she was going to tell me. "Yes, Master Alida?" I answered without turning around. I had to stay calm. I couldn't let my emotions show or the healers would send me away with instructions to mediate and find my center. I wouldn't leave my Master. I belonged at his side, no matter what anyone said.
"You were the last person to see Master Jinn before he collapsed, were you not?"
"Yes, I was," was my weary reply. Her voice was cold and distant, so dissimilar from Jewel's gentle understanding.
"Did he seem different to you? Weak, perhaps?"
Again I strengthened my hold on Qui-Gon's cold hand, holding on it as if I could somehow use it to anchor him to me. "No, he seemed fine," I answered without thinking. I just wanted to be left alone with Qui-Gon until they knew exactly what was wrong and how to treat it. They had to be able to treat it…my Master couldn't die. He would be alright.
"Are you sure, Obi-Wan? I need you to think carefully."
I closed my eyes and reviewed what I remembered of yesterday. Halfway through the braiding Qui-Gon had stopped and when I touched our bond I had sensed his distress. Then later, just as we were boarding the transport, it had happened again. "Well," I said slowly, "there were a couple of times when he seemed distressed but when I asked him he said that he was fine."
"Distressed how?" the healer pressed mercilessly. If she couldn't tell me anything about Qui-Gon's condition, why couldn't she just leave?
"Obi-Wan," Master Healer Alida's voice softened slightly, "I know this is hard for you, and I know that you don't want to talk with me, but anything you remember, anything, might help us determine the cause of Master Jinn's collapse and find a cure. What you remember is important, even if you don't think it is."
I sighed. I knew she was right. I had to stop acting like a child and behave like a Jedi. Closing my eyes and breathing steadily I reached out for the Force and calmed myself enough to think clearly and answer the healer.
"His thoughts were troubled," I began slowly; "I think…I think he was thinking about Xanatos but I'm not sure."
A long pause followed my statement before the healer finally answered, "Obi-Wan," she began slowly, "what did Jewel tell you?"
I sighed softly, "She said that there is nothing physically wrong with him and that you don't know why he collapsed."
Another painful stretch of silent seconds passed and when she spoke again I was startled to hear that she was standing directly behind me. "Obi-Wan, Jewel is right, there is nothing physically wrong with him, however we think we know why he collapsed."
My ears perked up, "Why?" I asked, desperately trying to read the healer's emotions. I needed to know if he was going to be alright.
"One of the healers who came in here a little while ago is a Soul Healer who tried to connect to Master Jinn through the Force and found that his connection to his body is extremely weak."
I swallowed, "What does that mean?"
"Well," the healer began expansively, "it means that your Master is only halfway connected to his body…and half way one with the Force. Think of it this way; your Master is waging an inner battle between life and death…and so far, death is winning and his spirit is slowly being pulled away from his body."
I blinked back my rapidly forming tears and desperately released some of my swirling emotions into the Force. "He's dying?"
The silence that followed my question was answer enough and soon Master Alida confirmed my greatest fear, "Yes, Obi-Wan, he is. The more time he spends in this state between life and death, the weaker his attachment to the physical realm becomes and the less likely it is that he'll recover."
My hands began to shake and my grip on my Master's hand was painfully tight. This couldn't be happening! "How did this happen?"
"We have a couple different theories but there is no way to prove any of them without speaking with Master Jinn himself. The first theory is that someone extremely strong in the Force – most likely one who has already died – tried to kill your Master. The second is if your Master, overcome by grief and remorse…tried to kill himself by expelling his Force signature outward."
Commit suicide? Qui-Gon? My strong, noble, Master? Impossible! "No!" I exclaimed almost violently, "Qui-Gon would not try and kill himself! He would never take the easy way out!"
"Obi-Wan," she said softly, "calm down. No one believes that about your Master either. "A theory has been brought up that perhaps Qui-Gon inflicted this condition upon himself accidentally."
I closed my eyes and forced myself to remain calm. How could someone accidentally almost kill himself? I wished she would just tell me at one time instead of stopping to see how I reacted. "How would he do that?"
"What seems most likely is that in the process of contemplating an extremely painful memory your Master tried to…lose himself in the Force and accidentally inflicted this condition upon himself by trying to get away from all the pain he was feeling."
Xanatos. The name raced through my thoughts like a bolt of lightning. Oh, no. This was all my fault. I had questioned Qui-Gon about Xanatos and no doubt caused his painful memories to resurface. Qui-Gon was lying here, unconscious and close to death, because of me. What kind of Padawan was I? First I betrayed him on Melida/Daan and then I forced him to remember things he would rather forget and caused him to fall into a coma-like state. What was wrong with me?
"Obi-Wan? You need to remain calm. I know this is hard for you, but losing yourself in your grief will not help anyone. Master Jinn needs you to be strong for him. Right now he's the only thing keeping him alive. If he should stop fighting this he will die. I have already called in more Soul Healers and Master Yoda is also on his way. They will be in here to examine him soon." I felt a comforting hand rest of my shoulder, "Talk to him, Obi-Wan, tell him that he's not alone and tell him to keep fighting."
For a few long, silent minutes the hand remained on my shoulder as the healer silently comforted me and tried to assure me that everything would work out. No more words passed between us and there was just a small squeeze of my shoulder before she silently left me in a wake of denial and sadness.
As soon as she left, I crumbled. No! It couldn't be! My Master couldn't be…dying. We had just started over...he had just retaken me as his Padawan and told me that he would be more open with me. We had apologized to each other and agreed to trust each other enough to give our Master/Padawan bond another chance… He couldn't die now! There was so much left for us to do…so much left for us to learn about each other…
I shook my head and blinked back the rapidly forming tears, forcing myself to look calm on the outside. I couldn't let myself lose control…but it was so hard. Qui-Gon, my Master, was dying. It wasn't supposed to be happening like this… I was supposed to teach Qui-Gon how to trust again, I was supposed to show him that his new-found faith in me wasn't misplaced…I was... We were supposed to do so many things together…
I accepted that I could lose him on a mission but like this…? I refused to accept that I would lose him because of an accident… I wouldn't lose him because I had been stupid enough to ask about his former Padawan and force him to remember the betrayal.
Still holding his hand to my chest I began to slowly rock back and forth in my chair. "M-Master," my voice was thick and unsteady, but I didn't care, "please don't leave me. Please keep fighting this. You're strong, and I know you can hold on until they find a way to cure you. Please don't give up… I'm sorry…so sorry. I never meant to cause you to relive this pain. I won't mention…him…again, I promise, just come back to me. I can't…can't lose you too, not after Cerasi–"
My words ground to an abrupt halt and suddenly I found myself crying over Qui-Gon's unmoving form. If Qui-Gon died it would be my fault. I would never be able to live with that knowledge…with that guilt. He couldn't die! I choked down a ragged sob that threatened to escape from me as my whole body began to shake slightly.
If he died then I would be left alone. He was the only one who believed in me… They would force me to leave the Order… I would never become a Jedi and on top of all that, I would go through my life knowing that my honorable Master had died because of me. Qui-Gon couldn't die! He couldn't die…he couldn't die! I couldn't lose him too…
Panic rose up in me and threatened to completely overwhelm me as tear upon tear slid from beneath my closed eyelids to wet my Master's stilled form. I couldn't think straight. I knew I was behaving childishly but I couldn't stop myself. The fear and the grief were too great for me. The same words continued to replay over and over again in my mind as my body shook with my silent tremors.
TBC…
