Okay, I've posted this in a lot of different places and no one's ever mentioned this but I thought I'd explain just in case anyone else is wondering. =D Katharine, I understand what you're saying but that's not actually what I'm referring to in this story, so let me explain. =) So, about the father's blood transfusion… Originally the part where Obi-Wan talks to Yoda in part three was longer and I explained why the father was dying and more about why he needs a transfusion. Then some friends of mine read the story and most of them thought the part was too long and that I included too much information that you didn't really need to know for the purposes of the story, especially since it is pretty short. So, I revised it and got rid of some stuff. The type of transfusion I was thinking of would be with Obi-Wan hooked up to his father, transferring blood to him, as an operation is being performed on his father. Now I don't know much about medicine but I'm pretty sure that this can't really be done today 'cause the donor would be losing way too much blood, but I was thinking that like in that old Star Trek episode they'd give him some sort of drug that would make him pump more blood than normal. So Obi-Wan would actually have to go to the hospital and be there for a while – especially since he'd have to recover from donating the blood. Most of this was explained in the original version, but like I said, I changed it. Sorry if anyone else was wondering about that, no one's ever mentioned anything before so I'd pretty much forgotten about it.
BTW, mush alert for the end of this part and for the next part also. =D
~ Part Four: Darkness ~
Obi-Wan:
When I entered the Healers' Ward, Jewel was the only one is sight. My friend was sitting in front of one of the computer consoles with her back facing me. "Jewel," I said before she even noticed me, "please get the Soul Healers and tell them I am ready to begin the…procedure."
Jewel turned around. "Obi-Wan," she said gently, "I heard about what happened to your father. Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nodded, "Yes, Jewel, please go get the Soul Healers. The more time we waste the weaker Qui-Gon gets."
Jewel slowly nodded, "Why don't you go inside and wait with Qui-Gon?"
I found Qui-Gon exactly as I had left him. The EKG monitor was still beeping constantly, as it had this morning, and again I found it filled me with the same emotions. Comfort and despair. I had to believe I could save Qui-Gon, or else I had just condemned my father to death for nothing.
The Soul Healers entered the room a few minutes later and silently sat on either side of Qui-Gon's bed. "Now Obi-Wan," the Della said, "this procedure is not very complicated but it is very dangerous. In order to show Qui-Gon how to return to his body you are going to have let yourself go deeply into your Master's mind – thus weakening the bond you have with your own body. No matter how much you want to save Qui-Gon you cannot allow your connection to your body to grow too weak. Qui-Gon is lost, as we said earlier, and you are going to have to use your bond with him to show him the way back home. You will do this by finding the part of Qui-Gon that is still attached to his body and leading the rest of his spirit back to it."
It took the healers almost ten minutes to explain everything I was and wasn't to do when trying to save Qui-Gon and by the time they let me start I was more than ready.
Sitting comfortably on the chair by Qui-Gon's bed I took several long deep calming breaths and released all of my emotions – my nervousness, my fear, my dread that I'd lose both my Master and my father – into the Force. Then I quickly found my center and reached along my bond with Qui-Gon to touch his mind.
As before, I encountered a cold cloud around him but this time I persisted and slowly – so that I wouldn't lose myself also – started to break through it. Master, I called out to Qui-Gon, can you hear me?
I received no answer – just the same cold darkness that was preventing my Master from finding his body. Master, please, you must answer me. I am here to help you but you need to show me where you are.
This time a small wave of warmth and concern reached me through our link and instead of trying to catch it and send it back to him, I centered my awareness on it and tried to get as close to Qui-Gon as I could. I'm coming, Master, please try again.
Again a small wave cascaded over me, this time stronger than the last, and I continued to draw myself to it until the cold cloud started to thin. Before proceeding further into my Master's mind and closer to his spirit I doubled checked my connection to my body to make sure I could get back.
As I continued to hone in on my Master's presence I began to worry that I wouldn't be able to find him. This cold cloud seemed so big and my Master was lost somewhere in it. The last of the coldness disappeared and my brief moment of joy was replaced by dread for I found myself in total and complete darkness. Just how far from my body was I getting? The Force was supposed to be light, not dark. No wonder my Master was lost. If I continued too much further into this I myself would not be able to find my way back.
I reached out as far as I dared, hoping and praying to find Qui-Gon but not succeeding. His signature was just too weak and I couldn't latch on to it well enough. I looked around with the eyes of my mind but I couldn't see anything. Just like in my dream I seemed to be alone in the universe. The darkness my Master was lost in was so impenetrable that I could barely sense my way home.
Resolutely I stayed in the complete obscurity, sending a large ripple of the Force to my Master and pleading him to answer me. Master, I'm almost there, can you talk to me?
No response at all. I could feel nothing. Had I lost him? No! I was so close; I couldn't lose him now after coming this far! Fear began to grow in me until my mind was almost trembling with it. This place was so large and so dark and I couldn't find him. Master, I said, please you need to help me to find you!
No… No, this couldn't happen. I had to save my Master, I had to. I couldn't have just condemned my father to death for nothing… I couldn't live with losing them both. Oh, please don't let it end like this, I thought out into the darkness. I couldn't feel him. I couldn't feel anything. Where was Qui-Gon? I couldn't lose him. I couldn't. He was all I had left. He was everything to me. He…he couldn't…die…like this…
A small spec of warmth, emanating from somewhere ahead of me, touched my senses. It was my Master, slipping further and further away from me with each passing second. The point of warmth was so small that it only gave me a general direction and no real way to find him. It was like searching for a small fish in the entirety of a vast ocean. If Qui-Gon didn't reach out the rest of the way to find me, I would lose him.
Master, I pleaded in earnest now, Please don't let this happen. Come back to me, please reach out.
Qui-Gon couldn't give up on me now. He couldn't leave me alone in the universe. I had no family left. No one to look after me anymore or care for me… He had to keep fighting! I wouldn't let him do this! If he left me now I would go with him… He couldn't just give up! I needed him…and he needed me to show him, to show him he could trust again. He couldn't die without learning to trust. He couldn't leave me like this.
Complete silence greeted me and even the warmth seemed to be moving further away from me and growing cold. Despair ticked away inside me and I felt like crying. I would not lose him like this. I couldn't.
The answer came to me all at once, a sudden realization illuminating this dark night. Qui-Gon couldn't escape because of his own fears and insecurities. Whatever had caused him to lose himself in the Force was blocking his way back to me and was a greater obstacle than the darkness could ever be.
Qui-Gon, I said softly, I know it hurts and that you just want to escape from all the pain but don't let this accident rob your life away. I will help you overcome this. You have made mistakes in your life, we all do, but you can't let them block your way. Push away the pain for now and reach out to me. I won't leave you. Qui-Gon, I cried to him, please.
At first I thought it was just my imagination but I could feel the spec of warmth growing again and coming closer to me. Was I just being hopeful or was my Master overcoming this? The darkness around me seemed to become a shade lighter and less foreboding. He was fighting the pain that was keeping him trapped!
Obi-Wan, I felt an immense wave of relief and joy flow through me when I heard Qui-Gon's voice, Obi-Wan, what are you doing? This is too dangerous, please go back. You could so easily lose yourself in this place and join the Force with me. Don't sacrifice yourself for me.
I could hear him! My mind danced with the knowledge. I had to be close now. I hadn't lost him! At Qui-Gon's words my determination swelled and I spoke without thinking, I won't leave you! It is not your time to join the Force; you must fight to come back to me. Please, center yourself on my voice and my presence in your mind and follow me back. Don't center on your fears and worries, let them go. You can do this, Master, I believe in you.
I don't deserve your loyalty, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon said simply, surprising me deeply with his words.
Yes you do, Master, but we can argue about that later. You must follow me back. Please…Master, I don't…I can't lose you now. Please come back to me.
I reached out with my mind, desperately searching to find Qui-Gon in the vastness of night that he was lost in. Finally, after what seemed an eternity I felt my Master's warmth reach out and embrace my awareness. I am here, my Padawan, came my Master's voice, I will not leave you, you have only to show me the way back and I will follow you.
For a moment I was too touched by Qui-Gon's obvious trust in me to reply, but then I remembered that his time was short and quickly forced myself to snap back to reality. Master, I am going to slowly withdraw into my own mind. All you have to do is follow me until you can find your body and pull yourself completely back into it. Your connection is weak, but if we hurry you can still make it.
I am ready, was his confidant reply.
Slowly I let myself float back towards my own body. Stopping every few seconds to make sure my Master's warmth was still with me, I lead him back through the cold cloud that surrounded his mind and into the light that was his body – his home.
After an infinity of long never-ending seconds the darkness gave way to the cold cloud and I could sense the light of life on the other side. We were going to make it! It took much less time to pass through the cloud now than it had coming in and soon it began to fade and I could see the light from the other side. We were almost there! Qui-Gon would live! After a few more moments we broke through the cloud completely and I found myself surrounded by a bright light so warm that it filled my mind with peace and love.
All is well, Qui-Gon said, overwhelming my mind with both his voice and his gratitude and pride in me. Thank you, Obi-Wan.
In an enormous wave of relief I flew the rest of the distance back into my own mind, confidant and secure in the knowledge that Qui-Gon would be alright.
When I opened my eyes to look upon my Master's face it was with a greater sense of calmness and serenity than I had felt since finding him unconscious this morning. I had saved him. I had brought him back. Even the knowledge that my father would die because of my decision did nothing to tamp down the joy that filled my heart and the tears that slowly brimmed over my eyes.
One of the healers – I was too happy to tell or care which one – placed a hand on my shoulder and told me that they would leave us be and go tell Master Yoda the good news. Absent mindedly I nodded my consent and the healers left the room.
Qui-Gon had yet to regain consciousness but when I tentatively reached along our bond the coldness surrounding his mind had vanished. He had found his way back! I felt happier than I could remember feeling in a long time – even happier than when he finally took me as his Padawan.
I took Qui-Gon's hand tightly in my own and with my other hand I wiped the tears off my face. Normally I would have been ashamed to cry but right now I was too happy for it to matter.
My Master's weak hand came alive suddenly and I felt his loose fingers tighten around mine until he was squeezing my hand. "Master?" I said softly as I watched Qui-Gon's eyes flutter open and focus on me.
"Obi-Wan," his voice was weak and raspy but filled with warmth, gratitude, and comfort. "It's…okay," he reached up and brushed a tear off my face and gave me a small smile, "you saved me…Padawan, thank you."
I nodded and brought Qui-Gon's hand to rest against my chest, "I'm so glad to have you back, Master," I answered, letting my sincere relief and joy reflect across our bond.
Qui-Gon's smile increased slightly and he gently caressed my check, "I am glad to be back, my Obi-Wan."
I smiled and looked down at our intertwined hands, touched and embarrassed by his choice of words. Hearing him say, 'my Obi-Wan', filled me with such a deep sense of belonging that my tears multiplied until I could barely see. Qui-Gon cared for me, I cared for him, and I knew the rest would come later. We would okay. Everything was alright between us now.
"My Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon repeated the words, realizing my deep emotions stemmed from them, and flooded our bond with waves of joy and comfort. "Rest now, Padawan," he said, pulling me down until my head was resting on his large chest, "rest with me."
I grinned as my tears soaked his tunic. I felt his hand slowly stroke through my shortly cropped hair and under that gentle comfort I closed my eyes and let myself fall asleep.
I awoke to the same sense of peace and joy that I had fallen asleep to, and to the same sensation of Qui-Gon slowly stroking my hair. I realized that he knew that I was awake but I couldn't resist continuing to rest my head against his rising and falling chest for just a little while longer.
"Obi-Wan," my Master greeted me softly, gently tugging my braid.
I yawned and reluctantly rose from my restful position, "How are you feeling, Master?"
The corners of Qui-Gon's mouth tilted up slightly and he tenderly took my hand in his own. "I am feeling much better, Obi-Wan. I am still a little weak but the healers say that I'll be able to go back home tomorrow morning."
I sighed in relief, "Good, I'm glad."
He nodded and the smile slowly faded. "How are you feeling, Padawan?"
I frowned, "I'm not the one that collapsed, I'm fine."
Qui-Gon shook his head almost imperceptibly and I knew what was coming before he spoke. "Obi-Wan," he said gently and yet firmly, "Alida told me what happened. I am very sorry that you had to make such a decision by yourself. It must have been very difficult for you."
I looked down at my hands, afraid that Qui-Gon would see the guilt inside my eyes. I didn't want him to think I regretted my choice. "I wasn't by myself," I faltered slowly; "I had your words and lessons to guide me. Even unconscious your wisdom helped me. Thank you for everything you have taught me."
"Obi-Wan, I am pleased that you think I have taught you so much but your strength and courage comes from within you, not me. I know this decision ways heavily on your shoulders but you cannot blame yourself for the choice you made. You consulted the Force, let it guide you, and did as it directed you. I am very proud of you, my Padawan."
I smiled shyly and my heart beamed at this unexpected praise from Qui-Gon, "Th-thank you, Master."
"Obi-Wan, look at me." Qui-Gon waited until my reluctant eyes met him before he continued, "I know you are feeling guilty but you are not to blame for the workings of the Force. This happened for a reason. You must believe that. When you feel ready to talk about what happened, you know that I will always listen."
"Thank you for everything, Master."
"You're very welcome."
I glanced about the room, curious to see how long I had slept. I could no longer see the sun when I looked out the window but it was still slightly light outside therefore I assumed that sunset could not be far away.
"It's early morning," Qui-Gon informed me gently, sensing my thoughts. "You missed sunset hours ago."
I turned shocked eyes to gaze at my Master abruptly, "Morning?" I asked in a choked voice.
He nodded.
Yoda had told me my father wouldn't survive the night…had he already passed into the Force? "My father?" I asked in a trembling voice.
I felt him squeeze my hand softly as he sent waves of comfort through our bond. "We don't know anything yet, the hospital hasn't called us."
Relief tinged with fear when I heard this. Part of me was glad that my father hadn't died yet, but part of me wished I had missed the announcement. I didn't want to hear it when it came. I already felt guilty and treacherous enough as it was.
"Master," I said, desperately trying to change the subject, "if – if you don't mind my asking…what happened that made you collapse?"
Even as Qui-Gon stared at me I knew his mind was elsewhere. His eyes were distant and saddened and he suddenly seemed burdened down by unpleasant memories and thoughts. Immediately I regretted asking and was about to apologize when my Master finally spoke.
"No, Obi-Wan," he said gently, "there is no need to apologize. You are my Padawan and I cannot shut you out. In all honesty I was thinking of my own failures and my stupidity." Qui-Gon held up his hand when I would have protested and I forced myself to remain silent. "Obi-Wan…I would like to think that I have gotten over what Xanatos did, but in truth I know I have not. You know it too. I am struggling with the belief that he turned because of something I did wrong, and one of my greatest fears is that it's true and that I'll do something wrong that will make you–"
"No!" I exclaimed, interrupting him, "It wasn't your fault, Master, and you won't make me turn. You are a wonderful teacher and–"
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said sternly, "be silent, Padawan. Please let me speak. It is my greatest fear that I will lose you the same way I lost Xanatos and that it will be my fault. However, much to my surprise, that is not what I was thinking about that caused me to reach out to the Force so desperately that I lost myself in it," he paused and smiled at the evident surprise that shown on my face and trickled through our bond.
"No, I was thinking about Xanatos and all of the clues and indications I had that he was turning that I either did not see or blinded myself to. I couldn't believe – and I still cannot – that I let myself be so stupid as to not see what Xanatos was really doing. Then, then I started thinking about you and how I let my past failures cloud my judgment. By doing that, I hurt you – for that I am terrible sorry – and that is what I was thinking about when I collapsed. I kept on replaying everything in my mind that led up to Xanatos' demise and thinking about everything I have done wrong with you. I tried to meditate, to clear my head, but nothing worked and finally…I just wanted to let everything go."
"You collapsed because you were feeling guilty about what you have done in your relationship with me?" I asked quietly, not believing what I had just heard him say. The fact that he had hurt me caused him that much despair that he had almost accidentally killed himself? It was chilling.
"In part, yes. In my stubborn refusal to let you into my heart I hurt a bright young boy who only wanted my guidance and support. You gave me your love and trust and all I returned was cold acceptance of your place in my life. Instead of embracing this beautiful, wonderful gift that the Force was placing in my care, I denied you of my caring. Those thoughts overwhelmed me. I am sorry. I reached out into the Force and just let myself go. I didn't realize how dangerous my actions were until I was already lost. I am terribly sorry to have left you in such a position."
"It's alright," I said distantly, still trying to swallow what he had said. He considered me a beautiful, wonderful gift? It was too good to be true. "I…Master," I began cautiously, "we talked about this just yesterday. I do not blame you for what happened between us and I understand that Xanatos hurt you and that I need to give you time to recover from that. There is no need to berate yourself for your past actions. All we can do is move on and accept the past."
If only I could follow my own advice… Qui-Gon and I would be alright, but there was still so much weighing on my mind. I wanted to clear everything between us…but I knew now that I never could. There would always be something hidden between us, something I could never tell him. I could only hope that he never found out and that it didn't affect our relationship. I wanted so hard to move on from the past but it was just so hard…
For the longest time Qui-Gon just stared at me, his expression all but unreadable. Curious as to what he was feeling I reached out through our bond and was startled that my Master felt shocked and humbled by what I had just said.
Half expecting a rebuke for being so straight-forward with a Master I was startled by his next words. "You have so much to teach me Obi-Wan, you will be a great Jedi Knight."
My cheeks flushed brightly with heat and I immediately looked down at my hands, embarrassed and incredibly happy. I had craved Qui-Gon's approval so badly that now that I finally had it I didn't know what to say or how to react. I was just too overwhelmed with happiness at having proved myself to the man I had grown to care about almost like a father. I opened my mouth to speak but the words refused to come.
Forcing myself to take control of my emotions I finally managed to gasp out, "Thank you."
"No Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon spoke so very smoothly and eloquently in contrast to my stuttered words, "thank you for everything you have done to me. I don't deserve you."
To this I had no response except to open my mind completely to my Master and let him feel the whirling emotions that now filled me. Expecting Qui-Gon to enter my mind I was surprised when all he did was accept my emotions and send soothing waves of support and love back to me. It was enough though, and I was greatly humbled by the obvious affection I felt coming from him.
"Obi-Wan," I was disappointed to hear Master Alida interrupt such a beautiful moment between Qui-Gon and me but dutifully turned around to look at her.
"Yes?" I asked, instantly noting an immense sadness on her part.
"Obi-Wan," she said again, "I am very sorry to inform you that the hospital just called…your father passed away shortly after midnight."
My world abruptly came to a crashing halt. I had just been so happy but now the guilt, sadness and anxiety all came rushing back to me. I tried to reign in my emotions – to take control and be strong – but it was a losing battle and soon I found myself in tears. It wasn't that I loved my father – for I didn't even know him – it was the knowledge that he was dead because of me.
I expected Qui-Gon to offer words of understanding and sympathy and help me find my center so when he pulled me into his arms it was all it took to push me over the edge. I crumbled. Sobbing openly into my Master's chest I knotted my hands in his tunic and clung to him as if he were the only thing that could save me.
"Shh," I heard him whisper gently in my ear as he rocked me back and forth and stroked my back, "just let it all go, Padawan. It's alright. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Do not fear your feelings. Do not keep them locked away inside. Just let go. I am here and I will not leave you."
For an eternity of suspended minutes Qui-Gon just held me like that, comforting me in a way I thought he never would. I needed that comfort though, I needed to be held. After everything I had been through I needed to know he was there for me. In the safety on my Master's arms I not only found that I wasn't alone, but that I was loved and cherished.
TBC...
