Muggle Movies
Malfoy is sipping his soda. Harry is munching on his popcorn. Ron is sitting on the edge of his seat. Hermione is taking notes that look like, "HG + SB" all through her notebook.
Ron and Harry are playing Wizard's chess in Great Hall. Hermione is walking up to them.
PANSY: Was that him!??? (straining her neck to see.)
HERMIONE: I think so!
MALFOY: What are you to on about?
HARRY: Wood.
MALFOY: (giving Harry a 'I should have known' look) Of course. Who else.
Chessman takes chair and wallops other chess guy.
Hermione: That is totally barbaric.
HERMIONE: It really is.
Ron: That's Wizard's Chess. I see you've packed.
Hermione: I see you haven't.
MALFOY: (shaking head) What is the point of that? It's so obvious! Why are they stating the obvious!?
HERMIONE: You're starting to sound like me.
MALFOY: (grinning) Was that a jab at yourself?
HERMIONE: (huffily) No.
Ron: Change of plans. My parents decided to go to Romaina to visit my brother, Charlie. He's studying dragons there.
RON: God, I am such a good actor!
MALFOY: (looking at Ron like he's nuts.) That's not you.
RON: (shrugs) I don't care.
Hermione: Oh good, you can stay and help Harry then. He's going to look up Nickolas Flamel in the library.
Ron: Again?! We've looked about a hundred times.
Hermione: Not in the restricted section. Happy Christmas.
Ron: (to Harry) I think we're a bad influence on her.
RON: Good line!! (to Harry) Did I say that in real life? Because if I didn't, I shouldn't have.
HARRY: I can't remember, Ron.
Christmas. Exterior of castle. It is snowing.
McGONAGALL: That's pretty.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, it is. The castle looks so real.
SNAPE: Yes.
McGONAGALL: Yes. I think they only thing they didn't get right was the North Tower, but no matter.
SNAPE: The Potions room left a lot to be desired.
McGONAGALL: Your attitude was accurate.
SNAPE: 5 points from Gryffindor.
McGONAGALL: You can't take points from ME, Severus.
SNAPE: Who says?
McGONAGALL: You are such a child. (crosses arms and looks away with pouty expression on face.)
Ron yelling up stairs to Harry.
RON: There's me in my Weasley sweater. Maroon of course.
Ron is eating Bertie Bots Every Flavor Beans. Harry is opening package.
RON: PUT THE BEANS DOWN, ME! PUT THEM DOWN!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: (behind Ron) QUIET!
HARRY: Why was Hedwig in the room? She should be in the owlery.
MALFOY: Haven't you noticed? She's been in your room the whole movie.
HARRY: Well, that's wrong. She's supposed to be in the owlery.
MALFOY: You said that already.
HARRY: What's it to you?
Harry: (reading note) Your father left this is in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you. Use it well.
RON: (whispering to Harry in excitment) That's from Dumbledore!
Dumbledore is smiling at him happily. Harry seems to be getting very sick of Ron. He is sitting at the edge of his seat, not because he's anxious to see the movie, but because that is the farthest he can get from Ron. Ron keeps jabbing him the in the shoulder excitidly.
Ron: What is it?
Harry: It's some sort of cloak.
HARRY: The cloak doesn't look that that. (shakes head) It's silvery, like water. It doesn't look like an old tapestry.
MALFOY: I didn't know you had an invisibility cloak, Potter!
HARRY: Well, of course you didn't. Like I'd want you to know!
Ron: Well, let's see, then. Put it on.
Harry puts cloak on and his body disappears.
Harry: (looking down and turning around) My body's gone!
MALFOY: Really? Oh my gosh! I hadn't noticed!
PANSY: (giggles) Shut up, Drac. That was a cute line.
Ron: Whoa!!! (stands up) I know what that is! That's an invisibility cloak! They're really rare. (picks up note) I wonder who sent it.
Harry: There was no name. It just said: Use it well.
MALFOY: Duhn, duhn, duhn!!!!
Harry's hand is walking through library holding lantern.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm glad Mr. Filch isn't here to see this. (winks at Harry.)
HARRY: You and me both.
RON: What happened to your Weasley sweater?
HARRY: (shrugs) I dunno.
MALFOY: (rolling eyes) Too bad we didn't get to see that wonderful piece of knitting, Weasley. It must have cost your whole house to pay for the yarn for all those sweaters.
RON: Oh shut up, Malfoy.
Harry picks up a book. A head pops out of the page, screaming. Harry shuts it quickly and rams it back on the shelf.
Filch: Who's there?
Harry whips around.
MALFOY: Run, Potter!
Harry gets cloak and puts it on.
HERMIONE: That looks rather cool.
MALFOY: (turns to look at her) You know, you're right. It does. (to Harry) Can I borrow that sometime, Potter?
HARRY: No.
MALFOY: Fine, I'll tell Filch about it then. He'd love to add it to his collection.
DUMBLEDORE: (calmly) I wouldn't want to have to use a memory charm on you, Draco.
MALFOY: (to Harry) Nevermind.
Harry is walking along corridor. Snape is talking to Quirrell.
Snape: .....Where your loyalties lie.
HARRY: See how suspicious you looked to us?
SNAPE: 10 points, Potter. Don't push for more.
DUMBLEDORE: 5 points to Gryffindor.
RON: (to Dumbledore) Is your math getting bad, sir? He took 10 points off.
DUMBLEDORE: (kindly) No, Mr. Weasley. I believe 5 were deserved.
Ron and Harry just shrug. Snape looks awfully smug.
Harry goes into room, closes door and takes off cloak. Mirror of Erised is in corner. Harry walks up to it and sees his parents come into view.
MALFOY: Oh good God, Potter, you're not going to cry are you?
HARRY: (sniffing) No, shut up Malfoy.
Dumbledore hands Harry a tissue. Harry mutters some thanks and dabs at his eyes. Snape's eyes are brimming with tears when he sees Lily in the Mirror of Erised. Apparently, he's had some hidden emotions for her all these years. He looks away, across the isle, wiping his eyes hastily. He cannot let anyone find out his secret. Not now. Not ever.
Hermione is leaning out of her seat, staring at the screen.
HERMIONE: (about mirror.) That IS rather neat, isn't it? I wish I had seen it.
Harry throws off Ron's covers.
Harry: Ron, Ron, get up Ron! Get out of bed!
MALFOY: (imitating) Get up, Weasley! Come quick and see my dead parents!
McGONAGALL: (sternly) Malfoy.....
Back in room with Mirror of Erised.
Harry: Stand there, look in it properly. That's my da----
Ron: That's me! I'm Head Boy...
Harry looks baffled.
MALFOY: Now that is more like it! That's how you normally look. Completely clueless and lost.
Ron: I look good!
RON: (nodding approval) Yes I do!
Harry is sitting in front of mirror. Dumbledore enters. Goes through whole thing about what the mirror shows you.
MALFOY: Can I have a look at that mirror, Professor? I think that my deepest, most desperate desire is to see Potter fall off his broom and get injured so badly that he can no longer play Quidditch.
McGONAGALL: 10 points, Malfoy.
DUMBLEDORE: The mirror is no longer around, Mr. Malfoy.
HARRY: That would be the only way you'd ever win at Quidditch, Malfoy, if I weren't playing.
MALFOY: Don't go getting a swelled head, Potter. (looks back at his head) Oh, too late.
Dumbledore: The mirror will be moved to a new location, Harry. I do not want you going to look for it. It does not do well to dwell on dreams.
DUMBLEDORE: (to McGonagall) Am I really that wise?
McGONAGALL: (shocked) Er---yes, Headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: (looking quite pleased with himself) Hmmmm.
Hermione: I had you looking in the wrong section! I checked this out ages ago for a bit of light reading!
Ron: That's light?
Hermione shoots him a look.
HERMIONE: That is light. You should see my heavy reading.
MALFOY: Can you carry it on a broom?
HERMOINE: (confused) What?
MALFOY: I was just wondering how heavy is heavy.
HERMIONE: Well, I can't hold it. I got it out of the library, but I had to put a charm on it so it would follow along behind me. It's rather large and---why am I telling you?
MALFOY: Because I asked.
Hermione: Of course! Nickolas Flamel is the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone!
DUMBLEDORE: You really are very wise, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE: (blushing) Thank you, Professor.
Hermione: Honestly! Don't you two read?
RON: No.
HARRY: Not as much as you.
RON: We have other things to occupy our time with.
HARRY: Like insulting Malfoy and his beaver teeth.
MALFOY: I have many good comebacks for that Potter, but if I swear I'll be made to leave. Then I won't see you get killed in the end.
HARRY: I don't die yet.
MALFOY: (sadly) Too bad. Does Granger?
HERMIONE: (surprised) No.
MALFOY: Oh. Good.
Harry just shakes his head at him and goes back to the movie.
Hermoine: ....The Philosopher's Stone also produces the elixer of life which will make the drinker immortal.
Ron: Immortal?
Hermione: It means you'll never die.
Ron: I know what it means!
Harry: shhhh.
RON: Did you just shush me!?
HARRY: I didn't do it in real life.
RON: (remembering) Oh. Right. Well, little Danny Radcliffe just shushed me.
HERMOINE: Actually it's DANIEL and he didn't shush YOU. He shushed Rupert Grint.
RON: My name is Rupert Grint?
MALFOY: (laughing.) Your name is Ron Weasley.
RON: (getting frustrated) I know THAT! I meant that the actor's name was Rupert Grint.
HERMIONE: Yes, his name is Rupert Grint.
Hermione: That's what's under the trap door. That's what Fluffy's guarding. That's what Snape wants. The Philosopher's Stone.
SNAPE: I didn't want it. I should take off points for that.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus. Bygones.
HERMOINE: We didn't know that at the time, Professor.
SNAPE: I should still take points.
McGONAGALL: Then I'm taking points for Malfoy saying ass back when Longbottom fell.
SNAPE: That was on screen. Malfoy didn't say that. SCREEN Malfoy said that.
McGONAGALL: Don't push me, Severus.
SNAPE: (giving in) Fine, Minerva. I won't take points.
Trio: (banging on Hagrid's door) HAGRID!
Hagrid: (opens door) Sorry, don't mean to be rude but I'm in no fit state to entertain today. (shuts door)
Trio: We know about the Philosopher's Stone!
Hagrid: Oh. (Lets them in)
MALFOY: Is this the dragon part? When do I come in?
HERMIONE: You'll be there in about 3 to 5 minutes.
MALFOY: (looks at her with mild interest) You know my scenes by heart do you, Granger?
HERMIONE: No, I know the book by heart. And if you'll remember, I did LIVE this just like you did.
McGONAGALL: Mr. Malfoy, kindly stop accosting Miss Granger.
MALFOY: (lowly, so only Hermione can hear) Only when she admits her true feelings for me.
Hermione: Of course! There are other things guarding the stone! Spells, enchantments. (looks oddly at Ron and Fang)
Fang is licking Ron. Ron looks very grossed out.
MALFOY: Stupid dog. Surprised he didn't die from licking a Weasley.
McGONAGALL: Mr. Malfoy, one more remark like that and you'll be out of this theatre.
Harry: Hagrid, what is that? (looking at large egg Hagrid has just taken out of fire.)
MALFOY: Almost time for me!
PANSY: (who hasn't spoken in a while because she's been entranced by the characters on screen.) Yay!
Egg begins to crack. Parts of the egg spray all over. Little Norbert pops out, shaking egg off him.
Hermione: Hagrid, is that a---dragon?
Ron: That's not just a dragon. That's a Norwegian Ridgeback! My brother, Charlie works with these in Romania.
MALFOY: That's the second time you've mentioned him.
RON: (confused) So?
MALFOY: Oh, I don't know. I'd just rather hear about myself.
Hagrid: Oh look, bless 'im. He knows his Mommy. Hiya, Norbert!
MALFOY: (laughing) His mommy?
Harry: Norbert? (Ron and Harry look at each other, quietly laughing)
Hagrid: O' course. He's gotta have a name, dunn' he?
Norbert sprays fire all over Hagrid's beard, setting it on fire.
MALFOY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Even though Malfoy is laughing loudly, the rest of the theater is as well so his laugh isn't prominent.
Hagrid puts out fire. Looks out window.
Hagrid: Who's that?
Malfoy's face is in the window, but he runs off.
Harry: Malfoy.
MALFOY: That was it? I want more of me!
PANSY: Draco, sweetie. You'll be going into the Forest in a minute.
HARRY: (to no one inparticular) Why do they call it the Dark Forest?
DUMBLEDORE: I suppose they didn't want to say that the Forbidden Forest was strickly forbidden. At the begining, during my speech.
MALFOY: (keenly) What did you say in real life?
DUMBLEDORE: I believe I said something along the lines of the forest on the grounds being forbidden.
MALFOY: Oh.
PANSY: He is so cute.
HERMOINE: Totally.
RON: Yeah, he is.
HERMIONE & PANSY: (odd looks at Ron)
PANSY: Is there something you're not telling us?
RON: Pardon?
HERMIONE: You just said Draco's cute.
RON: (disgusted) I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT NORBERT!
HERMIONE,PANSY,HARRY,DRACO,SNAPE: (laughing hysterically) HAHAHAHAHAHA.
McGonagall is scolding Harry, Ron and Hermione. Draco is standing by looking very smug.
McGonagall: ...All four of you, detention.
Malfoy: Excuse me, Professor but perhaps I heard you wrong. All FOUR of us?
McGongall: You heard me correctly, Mr. Malfoy. You'll be joining your classmates in detention.
MALFOY: That was really unfair.
McGONAGALL: You were out of bed.
MALFOY: Only because I wanted to catch them. Wait----that's not even how it happened in real life.
HARRY: No, that's right. You told McGonagall we were taking the dragon up to the tower to give to Charlie. Then we left the invisibility cloak and Filch caught us. Ron wasn't even there.
RON: Am I going into the Forest?
HERMIONE: Looks that way.
RON: Maybe I should just pop out and get another soda.
HERMIONE: Ron, sit down. It's not that bad. It's fake, after all. Plus, you have a whole one still.
HARRY: Hermione, it's not fake. It's real.
HERMIONE: Well. (waves hand) It doesn't matter.
Hagrid: Dumbledore sent Norbert to Romania, to live in a colony.
Hermione: Well that's good, isn't it?
Hagrid: But what if he doesn't like it!?
MALFOY: What a baby.
Filch: (rolls eyes) Oh pull yourself together, man. You're going into the Forest. Got to have your wits about you.
Malfoy: The Forest? I thought that was a joke! We can't go into the Forest! There are --- (werewolf sound from forest) werewolves.
HARRY: I think Malfoy's going to pee his pants again.
RON: (laughing.) Yup.
Filch: Nighty night.
RON: I don't like this. I wasn't supposed to go into the Forest. Are they going to kill me off?
HERMIONE: No! You still have to do the Chess Scene.
RON: Phew.
Hagrid: Unicorn's been badly hurt by summat. We've got to find the poor beast. Ron and Hermione, you'll go with me.
Ron: (gulping) Okay.
MALFOY: (laughing) Maybe Weasley will pee his pants!
Hagrid: Harry you'll go with Malfoy.
Harry nods bravely.
HARRY: Where's Neville?
RON: I think I'm Neville.
MALFOY: HAHA! Weasley's Longbottom! Haha!
RON: Shut up, Malfoy.
Hagrid: (in answer to Malfoy wanting to take Fang) Fine, but he's a coward.
Fang makes cowardly sounds.
MALFOY: That dog really is a coward.
Malfoy and Harry are walking through the woods. Malfoy is complaining that he is doing servant's work. He is holding a lantern high in the air.
Harry: If I didn't know better, Draco, I'd think you were scared.
Malfoy: Scared, Potter? I'm not scared. (Scoffs) Scared.
HARRY: You might want to close your eyes, Ron. The unicorn's coming up.
RON: And ----You Know Who?
HARRY: Yes.
RON: (puts hands over eyes) Tell me when it's over.
MALFOY: (sounding mean, but also scared) You big baby.
Malfoy doesn't seem to want to relive this part...but he sits still. Pansy has now grabbed onto his arm, her nails digging into him. Everyone sits in complete silence through this part. Hermione is still at the edge of her seat, her soda in one clutched hand.
Scary music erupts as the hooded figure (unicorn blood dripping from his mouth) advances on Harry. Harry backs back, falls over.
HERMIONE: (whispers) Oh no. Get up and run Daniel!
Hermione leans further forward so her soda is now touching the side of Malfoy's head. He turns around as Firenze beats the hooded figure off. Hermoine looses her soda and it pours all over Malfoy.
MALFOY: Granger!
HERMIONE: I'm sorry!
Dumbledore conjures up some towels and gives them to Malfoy. Malfoy realizes then that he can just dry off with a spell, so he does that and sits back down again. He's still picking ice out of his shirt, though.
HARRY: The hooded figure....
RON: (who was watching the whole time between his hands) Quirrell.
HARRY: Right, well I didn't want to ruin the surprise. Anyway, he didn't fly off like that. He just...sort of ran off. Plus, I got on Firenze's back and he got me to Hagrid. And where are Bane and Ronan?
DUMBLEDORE: (logically) If they added everything, Harry, this would be a four hour film.
Hermione: As long as Dumbledore's around, Harry, Voldemort can't touch you.
RON: But Dumbledore's leaving!
HARRY: We know that, Ron.
RON: (sitting back in his seat feeling like an idiot.) Sorry.
Hermione, Harry and Ron are walking out of the castle. Harry stops when he sees Hagrid playing a flute in front of his house.
HARRY: When has Hagrid every played the flute?
HERMOINE: I don't know.
RON: Curious.
HARRY: Curious. (laughs.) What's gotten into you?
RON: (angrily) Nothing, I'm just enjoying the film.
Harry: Why didn't I see it before?
Harry runs toward Hagrid, Hermione and Ron behind him.
DUMBLEDORE: Is this when he tells you about Fluffy and music putting him to sleep?
HARRY,RON,HERMIONE: Yes.
DUMBLEDORE: Poor guy was all shaken up about that.
Hagrid: I shouldn't have told you that.
MALFOY: (mumbling) Great big lump.
Harry, Ron and Hermoine are running into Professor McGonagall's classroom.
Harry: We need to see Professor Dumbledore.
HERMIONE: That ghost wasn't there when we went in.
RON: Who cares?
McGONAGALL: Professor Dumbledore has just gotten a very urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic. He's just gone off to London.
RON: Ministry. Ha. Quirrell sent it.
HARRY: We know, Ron.
MALFOY: You three get yourselves into so much trouble. I'm really surprised you're all still alive. (Shakes his head) Pure dumb luck.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm sure they'll take that as a compliment, Mr. Malfoy.
Snape: ...they might think you're....up to something.
HERMIONE: (overly excited.) We're going down the trap door!
Harry: We go down the trap door.....tonight.
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A/N: This one's short, but that's because the next chapter is really long.
The whole Ron saying Draco's cute, but meaning Norbert is an idea from a reviewer that I just had to add in. Also added in the Weasley sweater bit because of her too. Thanks Trista_Setsuna!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Harry, Ron and Hermione go down the trap door.
Ron critiques the Chess Scene.
Harry critiques the Key Scene.
Snape is livid, but I won't tell you why.
Everyone comes face to face with screen Voldemort.
Someone passes out from fright.
Thanks to the Reviewers:
nagi - The audience members are really patient, yeah, but it's because they are all as excited to see the movie as the HP characters. I've seen the movie 4 times so far, lol. Does it show?
Zahrah Radcliffe - Thank you!
lionheartbeater88 - Thanks!
Relaxing Pikachu - Thanks! I don't know if they do have that many to loose, but it's humor, I made it up to be funny. Hermione is going to be very angry about her scene not being in the movie. So mad, in fact that...well, I won't say. Let's just say that Draco doesn't come out of the movie in very good shape.
Celia - I love Sean Biggerstaff too, but who doesn't? Thanks for the review!
