Author's Note: This fic is still in the construction process, but I know where I'm going with it. Romantic/humor piece- it's PG13 for now, but the rating's going to get high as it progresses. Anyway, enjoy, and please remember to review! Warnings: for now, just language.

1 Never A Day I Regret

by Kayoko (kyoko_wolf@hotmail.com)

"Schuldich, get out of the bathroom now!"

I could hear Crawford bellow all the way up the stairs, down the hall, through the door, past the glass in the shower, and all this with the water running full force. You should hear him when we run out of coffee! Good Lord, the man can shout!

He likes his coffee plain and strong, too. Plain and strong. That's Crawford for ya. All crisp white suits and shiny glasses. He prefers his simple black .38 when we're out on missions, and sometimes I see him crooning to it after we've performed some corrupt act of justice. I swear, he croons. No lie.

Me? I like physical contact and close combat, so I'll stick a few daggers under my overcoat and go on my merry way. I like watching a foreign gunrunner or the leader of a child prostitution house cringe on his knees and beg for mercy, knowing I'm going to kill them anyway, inhaling their fear and observing the dark sweat stains.

Sick? No, this is revenge. Cleaning the world of something dirty. It's somewhat different from Weiss because while they tend to skirt cautiously around the law. But we pretend it's not there.

Government? What government? Does that say "No trespassing?" .no, Nagi, I don't know what that means. I guess we'll just cut through the fence then!

See what I mean? Without Taketori, Schwarz loses some of its bad rap. Which is the opposite of what Weiss thought. They favor the "cut off the head and the snake is dead" theory.

Germans know better - you cut off the head, and a new one grows in its place.

Killing Taketori was kind of like.cutting off our balls. Now, we didn't have a sensitive spot, and we were asexual. Converting that to assassin speak, we were neither above nor below the law. Crude, yes, but life was better without the overweight koala bashing me with a gold club.

Crawford saved me from too much of that.but a nine-iron still hurts like shit.

"Schuldich! There are other people in this house so maybe you would be so kind as to get out of the bathroom before I combust!"

I stuck my head out of the door and wrapped a bath towel around my waist. "Keep your pants on, Craw-Daddy!"

He hates when I call him that. But honestly, his piss is probably as cold and white as he is.

I whistled cheerfully as Crawford swept me one of his "ice man" glares and slammed the bathroom door closed. I had only taken a step - no, maybe half a step - no, more like I was in the thought process of taking a step when Brad yelled yet again.

"Jesus Christ! Schuldich, what are you? An animal? I can't even walk through all this crap on the floor!"

The bathroom door reopened and a pile of clothes came whizzing through the air and struck me on the back. My overcoat floated down and dropped on Nagi, who was climbing the stairs to see what was wrong.

He floundered around in the sea of green for a second and then peeked up at me from under the sleeve. I gave him a grin and he tossed the jacket back to me. I tousled his dark hair fondly before going into my room, armed with my various garments.

I love Nagi, I really do. He had a hard life as a kid, and his teenage years aren't shaping up to be much better. If he's sick, I'm the one to bring him tea or some of that miso stuff he eats for breakfast. When he won't eat, Farfie and I will make him something, usually just toast if he can't stomach anything else. Toast and soup. When they open up that boy for an autopsy, they're going to find liquid and bread crumbs floating around. Not like the Germans, who know what to eat. Eggs and bacon all the way.

I had just finished pulling on my "casual Friday" outfit of gray track pants and a white tank top when someone knocked on my door. Crawford mentioned once that in America, it's called a "wifebeater." Hey, if the Americans want their wives beating on them, fine by me. I like "tank top."

I opened my door and found Farfie standing in the hall, holding an alarm clock.well, I think it was an alarm clock before good ol' Farf took a hammer to it.

"What's up, Farfie?"

The Irishman looked at me for a second, pale gold eyes hard to read. Everyone says Jei is crazy, but there are times when he's actually very intelligent. He survived on his wits before, and so what if he's a little schizo at times?

Okay, a lot of schizo, but still, he has his moments.

"Nagi says you're good at fixing things. Can you fix my clock?"

I was a little surprised, seeing as it was Farfie who had destroyed it in the first place, and as far as I knew, he woke up whenever he felt like it, but I took the appliance from him and set it on my desk.

"Sure thing, Farf. Any special reason?"

"I need to be ready for a date in the morning tomorrow."

I raised my eyebrows. "A date? Like, you mean with a girl?"

Farfie thought for a moment. "I think it's a lady."

"You don't know who you're going out with?"

"It's one of Crawford's lady friends."

I blinked in surprise. I didn't know Crawford even had friends, not to mention lady friends. "Who?"

"I think her name is.Miss Tenman."

"Well, okay. I'll get it fixed tonight then. Where are you and Miss Tenman going?"

More thinking on Farfie's part. "To her office."

"Is someone taking you?"

"No.she's going to pick me up."

"I see. Does Crawford know about this?"

Farfarello nodded vigorously. "He told me about it, so I think it's ok."

"Okay, but be careful. You never can tell with women." Farfie gave me a feral grin, probably closest to sanity than he had been that morning. I grinned back and winked, then shut the door as he walked away.

Farfie was meeting with one of Crawford's lady friends? That was odd, but certainly not cause for concern. At least the house would be semi-quiet tomorrow morning.

Well, semi-quiet, mind you - the Craw-Daddy would still be in the vicinity.



Next time he calls me Craw-Daddy, I'm going to kill him. I'm not kidding. Schuldich needs to get fixed. Either that or I'll do it for him.

You may think that's harsh, but I swear he sleeps with everyone. Anything that can stimulate some sort of response. If he could, he'd be in bed with Nagi's computer.

"Crawford?"

I looked up from the newspaper. Nagi wasn't meeting my eyes, squirming in his seat like he needed to use the bathroom. With Nagi, that means he's nervous. Or when the silverware flies by your head. That's our little telekinetic.

"What?"

"Ano.Um, my teacher gave me this form."

I sighed and put down the business section. "Forms" almost always meant complaints or detention slips, which was puzzling because Nagi didn't DO anything. He should have been in college by now, but drawing attention to ourselves isn't encouraged since the average assassin life span is anywhere from age 15-30. Try telling that to Schuldich, Mr. "I know these pants are tight, that's the point, duh Crawford, my God, at least I'm wearing clothes today."

"What kind of form, Nagi?"

"It's for a, um, a field trip. T-to the science institute."

Sitting next to Nagi, Schuldich snorted into his coffee mug. I say "coffee," but I mean "milk and chocolate and sugar and a coffee bean thrown in for good measure."

"Damn, that's boring. Why don't they take you guys somewhere fun, like the clubs?"

"Because they're supposed to be learning, Schuldich."

"You can learn a lot at clubs."

"Like what."

"Pick-up lines."

"That's utterly useless for you, since you just walk in the room and walk back out with a line of males and females anyways."

The red-haired German grinned. "Yes, but Nagi doesn't have my charm."

I was starting to get slightly angry. Apparently Nagi can tell that when I raise my butter knife a little too high in the air, it's time to change the subject.

"So.is it okay if I go?"

I sighed and put the knife down, where it was immediately snatched back up by Farfarello, who proceeded to make stabs at a ladybug on the table.

"I guess it's alright. Where's this science institute?"

"We-ell.it's in Totori."

"Totori? Nagi, that's halfway across Japan!"

"I-I know.we'll be there for ten days. You know, like studying and stuff. It's part of our curriculum this year."

"Ten days?"

Schuldich pushed his chair back from the table and stood up, resting a hand on Nagi's shoulder.

"Crawford, why don't you just let him go? He needs a vacation anyways!"

I rubbed my temples with two fingers, feeling a headache coming on.

"Why didn't you tell me before? When do you leave?"

"Monday."

"Nagi!"

"I'm sorry! I kind of forgot about it."

"Fine, fine, just give me the form to sign. I'll get your suitcase out of the closet when you come home from school."

Nagi smiled, looking happy for once, and handed me the white piece of paper. I scanned the usual bullshit about the school not being held responsible for yadda yadda yadda, and then signed at the bottom.

Schuldich looked at the form. "It says it needs to be signed by two guardians."

"So what? Nagi doesn't live with a normal family anyways."

Schuldich took the pen from my hand and added his own scrawling signature below mine.

"There," he said, sounding satisfied. "Now that bitch-ass principal will stop sending us those reduced lunch forms."

I could only shake my head, having no idea what the hell he was talking about. Nagi seemed to agree, so I left the table and picked up my coat, calling over my shoulder as I went.

"I'll be at the office today, so Schuldich will be home if you forget your key, Nagi. Schuldich, don't leave Farfarello by himself for more than an hour unless the doors are locked from the outside. And don't you DARE spend the grocery money on cigarettes again."

"Yes, Mommy."

"Excuse me?"

Schuldich clicked his heels and gave me a salute. "Jawohl, mein fuhrer!"

I glared at him before leaving the house.

He's damn lucky I don't understand German.

1.1 To be continued.