Only You

Only You

***

Chapter 2

Lie To Me

There is something that I see

In the way you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth in your eyes

Dana Glover – It Is You (I Have Loved)

***

Abby woke up and found that she had been sleeping on the couch. Slightly disorientated, she sat up and felt a painful crick in her neck. Rubbing it, she got up and went to the bathroom to wash her face and clean herself up before starting her shift. She switched on the cold water tap and splashed her face with the cold water, which woke her startlingly. She glanced at herself in the mirror and found that her face was blotched from crying herself to sleep. She started the daily cleansing routine, hoping that Luka had gone to work already. Glancing at the mirror again whilst brushing her teeth, she found she had company. Luka was leaning at an angle on the doorjamb, watching her intently. She concentrated on her brushing – brush, spit, brush, spit. Then she finished, but she didn't turn around. Instead, she looked at him in the mirror.

"Good morning."

"Morning." She replied, voice coarse.

"Good night's sleep?"

"Okay." She said, choosing to neglect telling him that she had a painful crick in her neck that just wouldn't go away. "What about you?"

"Well, it was kinda lonely, kinda cold." They stood, she facing the reflection in the mirror, he facing her back. They stared at each other, with alarming levels of varying intensity.

"Where were you?"

"I-I was with my mom for a while."

"Oh. What did you do that took you all night?"

"We partied, we hired strippers, we did those mother-daughter bonding activities you read about."

"I mean really. Don't feel you have to lie on my behalf." He shot at her. She ignored it.

"Don't you have to get to work?" He glanced at his watch.

"No. I'm doing a late today."

"Late? What's the time?"

"9-ish."

"Oh god. I gotta go, I'm meant to be there already…" She speed showered, dressed and hurried out the door, only sparing time to grab her keys and her coat.

"See you later, I love…" Luka gave up as she disappeared out the door.

***

Abby jumped out of her car and ran inside. Weaver was going to kill her. Oh please, don't let me meet her, she thought, stuffing her stuff into her locker. Just as she had finished tying up her hair and was just about to open the door, Kerry Weaver opened it for her.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"I-"

"Whatever. We need you now, we're low on beds and there are gunshot victims everywhere. Go on, get out there." Abby hurriedly got out and was immediately met by the chaos that she had been told about. Carter rushed by with a patient, heading towards trauma 1. Amongst all the yelling, he managed to call,

"Where've you been?" Then he turned into trauma 1 and she joined the next patient with Malucci and Benton.

"Abby," Benton roared, "Get me 3 pints O neg.!" Rushing about, she got the blood and set it up, glad that she didn't have the job of having to try and save the man's life. God, it must be hard as a doctor.

***

After the hospital had calmed the flow of patients coming in, Abby leaned on the side of the reception desk, head resting in her arms, trying to rest a little. Finally deciding that she needed a break, she went to get her coat from her locker, and started out the hospital towards Doc Magoo's to get a proper coffee and then to sit on 'her' bench by the river. Holding the coffee and sipping at it's scalding temperature, she sat on the bench, looking out at the river, watching busy lives pass by. She breathed in the cool air, mixed with her hot coffee, the heat rising into her face, warming her, but only on the outside. Her mind was running through all the events of the day so far, contemplating on her conversation with Luka, the deaths, her life, her job as a nurse. She knew that things had been getting worse between her and Luka, but not sleeping in the same bed? Something was completely wrong there. She couldn't help but think that maybe Luka wasn't the one, maybe he didn't love her. She didn't even know if she loved him anymore. It wasn't only him – it was the whole question whether they had even had any love in the first place. She didn't completely blame Luka for this sudden failure in their relationship. It was her fault partly as well. She knew that he had secrets that he hadn't told her, but she had always thought that she would break down the defenses eventually, and they would be able to bear the pain together. But they were having communication problems. Even Abby hadn't told him things that she thought that eventually he would know, once they had finally decided to permanently be together. If they had decided to permanently be together. And another thing, Luka had offered to pay for everything that she couldn't afford, her tuition, when she was a bit short for money.

She hadn't even decided if she wanted to go to med school. Sure, she had always wanted to be a doctor, but she wasn't so sure that she would make the cut. And seeing all those people dying, even in the hands of the best surgeons and doctors, she wasn't so sure that she could cope not being able to save all the lives she came across. She would always feel a burden of guilt, somewhere deep inside of her. The more she thought about it, the more she didn't want to go to med school. She was happy as a nurse…more like she was comfortable in the routine of a nurse. She didn't mind being in the background, as long as she didn't have to have the strenuous job of a being a doctor. No one minded anyway – she had a relationship with Luka, a close friendship with Carter, and a comfortable working relationship with everyone else. But. She could feel a 'but' coming. But her relationship with Luka was failing, her friendship with Carter had…had matured and even Maggie had told her she should get her life on track, and to go to med school. Abby knew she couldn't. Every hour of the day she worried about Maggie, so who knows what could happen whilst she was at med school.

No one understood how Abby felt, no one could ever know what she had been through. But as she sipped her rapidly cooling coffee, all she could hear were Carter's words echoing in her brain – "So, you may have come here to be alone - but you're not."

***

Luka lay back on the bed, body outstretched. When he had first come into this relationship, he hadn't thought that it would involve so much pain and heartache. He hadn't expected to find the troubles that Abby brought with her – the burdens she didn't want shared. It had all fallen into place, so quickly, so soon. There were times when everything felt right, when they talked, when they laughed, when they had acted like a proper couple, but those moments had only lasted precious few minutes, and Abby had closed up again. He wasn't saying that the whole thing was Abby's fault, he thought that it was his fault partly as well. He had kept his life shrouded in mystery, close to his heart, believing them to be secrets that should never surface, but it had brought everything further away from him. He knew that Abby sometimes lied to him, but he knew it was to keep her own life a secret from him – even he lied to her sometimes. Luka sighed. This relationship had too many secrets and not enough honesty. He wished that things would heal themselves, so that they could both settle more comfortably with each other's pasts. That wasn't going to happen unless both of them both put effort into it. Closing his eyes, Luka said aloud,

"Sometimes I wish that I had never fallen in love with you, Abby Lockhart." And it was true – Luka did love her. He didn't know how, he didn't exactly know why, but at some point along the way, Luka Kovac had fallen inexplicably in love with Abby Lockhart.

***

Abby pulled back a few strands of hair behind her ear and wrinkled her nose upon smelling a foul odor pass her. She left the admin desk and was heading towards curtain 6, but paused for a moment. She was feeling one of those queasy moments again, when she thought that someone was watching her. She glanced around and chewed on her lip slightly. She could see that everyone was working. Putting it down to one of her stupid little gut twinges, she carried on down the corridor, when she thought she felt it again.

***

"Okay, I'll be back in a moment, you stay there." Carter said to the small girl sitting on the bed, who was swinging her legs back and forth, her parents at her side. Stepping out, he paused, watching Abby at the admin desk. He watched her as she pulled a few stray strands of hair behind her ear and wrinkled her nose slightly, obviously smelling something nasty. He watched her gather the documents she had in her arms and started down the corridor. He couldn't stop watching her. Everything she did, to him, was so natural, so…her. He could even see her thinking, and quickly turned away, just as Abby turned around, as if studying everyone. She turned around again, and Carter watched her once again. She's so beautiful, he thought, so vulnerable, so unaware. This time, he couldn't help but let his eyes linger on her just a while longer, even though he knew that she was going to turn at that moment, and find him looking at her. She did as he thought and their eyes met, startling Carter at the accusing look in her eye. He felt as if he was looking straight into her soul – he felt as if he was drowning.

***

Abby turned and was mildly shocked to find Carter looking at her from across the hospital. Realization flooded through her, finally knowing that it had been Carter looking at her all those times. She sent him an accusing look, partly trying to hide herself from his penetrating gaze – she hadn't felt so bare and naked in her life. It was as if in one look, Carter could see all of her, her darkest secrets. She looked down for a moment, and glancing up again, she found that Carter was still watching her. This time, she looked, properly looked, deep into his chocolate brown eyes, and found something she had been trying to hide for such a long time. Trying to hide from herself. She saw want, she saw desire, she saw love. Worst of all, she saw that it was a reflection of her eyes that burned so brightly. She felt sick with realization, confused with whether she should be happy or unhappy. She knew that it would be a dangerous thing to look so deep, so far into Carter's eyes, and now she knew. She turned away, and started walking slowly to curtain 6. Usually, Carter could always lift up her day, with one 'hi' or a small smile, but today, he had probably ruined it.

***

Carter stared straight back, and felt her wide brown eyes search his, seeking truth. She found it, and withdrew, breaking the connection. She looked dejected and ashamed as she turned and walked away. Carter had never felt so high and low at the same time. So she did like him. But she didn't want to – he could tell that by the look on her face. He felt bad for her – as if she wasn't troubled enough, but he couldn't help being excited. He turned away. 9 people dead and now this. All before lunch, as well.

***

Abby yawned and pulled out her coat out of her locker, getting ready to get lunch. Pulling it on and stepping out of the hospital, she started towards Doc Magoo's once again. Ahead of her, she could see Carter's lean form just at the start of the road. To hell with it all, she thought, and picked up her pace to catch up with him, yelling his name.

"John! Wait up!" He turned, and glanced at her, smirking at her panting figure.

"Did you ever do track when you were in high school?" Regaining her breath, she said,

"No. I wasn't the sporty type."

"There's a lot of stuff I don't know about you, Abby Lockhart."

"You bet." Was all she said.

"Lunch break?"

"Uh-huh."

"Doc Magoo's?"

"Sure." Getting inside, they took off their coats and sat down. They looked at the menus, which they both knew off by heart, having been there so many times, but they looked at it anyway, trying to hide the awkward pauses. After a while, a waitress wafted towards them and they gave their order, finally placing the menus on the table.

"Abby?" John started, hesitantly.

"Uh-huh." Suddenly she found the tablecloth fascinating and also found that the tablecloth had changed from what it had been in the morning.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." He started to fiddle with the edge of the menu.

"Abby."

"Carter." They both said at the same time. They looked at each other, as if permitting the other to go first.

"Go on, Abby." Carter said aloud. She spoke, hesitating so that she stuttered.

"I-This may sound a little…paranoid, but…but, you know this morning? When we…saw each other for quite a while? Um, why?" Inwardly, he smiled at her hesitancy, but outwardly, he looked solemn. For a while, he looked straight into her eyes. He was sure she knew why, but she just didn't want to hear it. He could see her eyes pleading with him, saying, 'Lie to me.' He battled with himself and eventually said,

"I-I was thinking how you would make a great doctor." It was a lame excuse, but it wasn't what Abby didn't want to hear. She rolled her eyes, relieved.

"You know, I don't even know if I want to be a doctor anymore…"

"What?!" Carter exclaimed loudly. Abby sat, shocked so much that she replied,

"Only-only kidding."

Carter knew she was lying, but he didn't say anything further. Abby had known that Carter had been lying, but she was relieved that she hadn't heard the truth. But for lunch, they just wanted to sit there and eat, without anyone or anything troubling them. It didn't even matter if they lied.

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A/N: This chapter has more dialogue than the first, tell me if you don't like it. I don't even know if this is gonna be a Luby or a Carby yet, so go mad on me. That person who said that it was unrealistic, could I say something to you? WHATEVER. If it's unrealistic, tell me how and why, not just, 'I don't like it, it's unrealistic.' Cos that so helps, right? Yeah. So, anyway, tell me which you would rather it be, a Luby, or a Carby?