Only You

Only You

***

Chapter 4

Nothing To Lose

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know

I'm running and not quite sure where to go

I don't know what I'm diving into

Just hanging by a moment with you

Lifehouse – Hanging By a Moment

***

Abby yawned as she pulled into a small diner on the side of the highway on the way back to Chicago. She was still only in Wisconsin, and figured she could either drive through the night or stay at a motel for the night. She opted for the motel. She was too emotionally wasted to drive through the night on cups of coffee. As she went inside and sat by the window overlooking the highway, she sipped a cup of coffee. When she went home, she decided she would go straight to sleep. She felt too tired to do anything else.

She was sitting there drinking her coffee, when suddenly, thoughts of Carter popped up. A smile played on her lips as she thought of a funny joke that Carter had told her ages ago. She imagined his face, his laid-back attitude, his sweet smile, his deep brown eyes and his soft hair. His soft hair? She frowned. What was she doing daydreaming about Carter? She sat back and looked out the window, thinking, Luka, Luka, Luka. Strangely, his name didn't make a smile hover around her lips.

***

Carter paid the cashier money for his purchases in the convenience store opposite the diner and started out to the car, when he saw the whole reason of his 'trip' in the opposite window, sipping a coffee and smiling to herself. He told the cashier to keep the change and headed out to the diner opposite, telling the guy in the car to wait.

***

Abby couldn't help it. Her thoughts had drifted back to Carter again, but this time, she didn't push them away. It wasn't like anyone was going to know, anyway. And once again, a smile curled on the corner of her mouth. Someone tapped her on her shoulder and she thought it was a waitress, but when she turned around, she nearly spat out her coffee in shock.

"Carter?" He smiled.

"Hey."

"What-what are you doing here?" He grinned and slid into the booth opposite her.

"I just wanted to see if you were all right, you know, with your mom and everything, so I sort of went this way. There was a huge risk that I'd miss you, but I came anyway. In a borrowed car. That would be Mike out there, he owed me a favor." He turned and pointed to an old car. "It's kinda rusty, and slow, but it works. So, are you okay? I hope you don't mind me doing this, because I was just…kind of worried…" Abby shook her head, no, she didn't really mind. "So, what happened to make you look so smiley just now?" Her eyes were still registering the shock, but her complexion was recovering quickly. Her cheeks actually had a slight pink twinge to them. If Carter hadn't known any better, he'd say she was blushing. Which she was.

"What is this 20 questions, or something?"

"No. Just wondering if you'd like to share it with me if it was a funny joke."

"Oh. Um, just something." She said vaguely. Somehow, Carter picked up that it was something private, and he dropped it.

"So…" Carter struggled with something to ask. "Are you okay?" She smiled, now scared to find the real reason why he was there.

"You said that twice. It went fine." She looked away for a moment. "So, why did you come out here? It can't just've been me that you came all this way." He smiled.

"Yeah, actually I came all this way, just for you." It was his turn to look away now, slightly embarrassed.

"Well, it was nice to think about me. I don't know what you're gonna do now, cos I'm gonna stay overnight in Wisconsin and keep on driving from tomorrow, at dawn. What about you?" He shrugged.

"Well, I figured we'd go back once I saw you, and I made sure you were okay." He wanted to ask her if he could stay with her, but he kept his tongue back. It was her choice. She looked indecisive, before asking,

"Hey, you know, maybe you can come back with me, I don't think that car looks safe. It's the least I can do for you. You know, coming all the way out here and everything."

"And everything? Well, okay." Carter said, as if the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He stood up, and said, "I'll be back after I've talked to Mike, out there." Carter went outside, to inform his friend, and Abby closed her eyes. There was no going back now. If Luka found out, he wouldn't be happy. Then she thought, screw Luka. He didn't come on all the way out here, like Carter did. Luka will see what I did was just helping someone who needed help. And it was Carter – he would have to understand. Well she hoped so, anyway.

***

Finishing her coffee, Abby went out to her car and waited for Carter. She rubbed her eyes and started to get into the driver's seat, when Carter took one look at her and asked,

"Hey, why don't I drive? You look way too tired."

"Oh, you can tell? By the bags under my eyes, or the fact I'm yawning?" She shook a hand, apologetically and started to walk round to the passenger side. "I get cranky when I'm tired. You might as well drive. I think I might just drop dead on the wheel."

Carter drove for a while, before reaching a motel that actually had two beds in a room without it being for a married couple. They got a room, and Abby basically collapsed on her bed, and then decided to phone Luka. She didn't shut the door, which separated her from Carter. She picked up the phone and dialed in the number, and Luka picked up.

"Hello? Luka?"

"Abby? Hi."

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Um…okay. Maggie's settling in now. I'm in Wisconsin, and I'm gonna stay the night, okay? There's not long to go, but I don't feel like driving through the night, I'm too tired. I'll be back some time later tomorrow, I think. We might be back before lunch, maybe."

"We?"

"Ah." She glanced at Carter, who was changing, and she shut the door with her foot. "Well, 'we' would be Carter and me."

"Carter." Luka repeated the word, each syllable said in a monotone voice. Abby wound her finger round the phone cord, nervously.

"It wasn't planned, we just sort of…met." She didn't tell him that Carter had gone out there for her. She didn't want to get Carter in trouble.

"Right."

"It doesn't matter, really. I'm just giving him a ride back to Chicago with me."

"Okay." Luka was trying to sound indifferent, and it worked.

"So…I just called to say I'll be back sometime tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye." And Luka put down the phone. She lay back on her bed, telling herself that he would've told her he loved her, if she had first. She closed her eyes. Did she love Luka? She didn't know. Did she love Carter? She listened to him brushing his teeth. She didn't know. She opened her eyes, feeling them widen, startled. The answer was meant to be no.

***

Carter could hear Abby on the phone to Luka. He brushed his teeth, but by then, the conversation had finished. He was starting to think that it had been a bad idea to go searching for Abby. But he couldn't help it – he needed to be within close proximity to her. Being away from her now was an almost unbearable thought. But being near her all the time was sounding like the job of a boyfriend. Well, it was too late to go back now, anyway.

***

Abby woke up the next morning, early, and started to wash. After finishing, she peered out the window and watched the sun rise. Even in the room, she could feel the heat. She pulled on a t-shirt and light-colored trousers, and squashed all her stuff back into her bag, ready to go. It was only when she came out her room, she realized that Carter was still asleep. She sighed and walked into his room. He was sleeping and looked so…so…peaceful. It was difficult for her to put her heart into words. Her heart fluttered at seeing him sleep. She looked up despairingly at the powers-that-be, realizing she would have to wake him. But she didn't want to touch him. She was too scared to feel his bare skin, to feel the electrifying feeling she felt if she brushed her arm against his. She leaned close and called him.

"Carter!" He carried on sleeping. She leaned even closer, so close that she could kiss him if she wanted. Which she didn't, she reprimanded herself.

"Carter! Wake up!" He stirred a little, but still remained still. She sighed. It looked like she would have to shake him awake, which she was trying to avoid. She put aside her bag and placed her hands on his shoulders, and shook him.

"Carter! WAKE UP! We gotta get going!" He stirred and tried to sit up.

"What's going on?" he asked, still pretty much asleep. She pulled back his curtains.

"Wakey wakey, sleeping beauty." She switched on his radio, which was screaming out a bright, happy song. Unfortunately for him. He sat up and shaded his eyes from the sunlight that streamed in, and winced at the noise level of the music. And groaned when he saw Abby.

"No person should be subject to such a cruel awakening and the pains of having to listen to AM radio now."

"Good for the soul." She said, trying to sound as chirpy and annoying as possible to get him to get up. He lay back down.

"Next time, please, wake me up more gently. I think I've got whiplash." She grinned.

"Hopefully, I won't be in a position to need to wake you up, next time. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your maid, and I don't sleep with you." She immediately regretted saying the words, because she felt uncomfortable with them, but she saw that Carter hadn't shown any sign of comprehension. He just lay there and shaded his eyes. She decided it would be a good time to leave.

***

Carter heard her leave the room and shut the door behind her, as the situation became unbearable to her. He smiled and thought, was the situation unbearable or the thought of seeing me like this in the morning? He sat up and stopped shading his eyes, blinking to adjust to the bright light streaming in. He started to get ready with the pace of a retarded chicken. That's lost its feet. But he did it with all the energy he could muster. He smiled. Strange how Abby could make mornings look like the most wonderful thing by just waking him up.

***

When he came out, dressed and ready to go, she was watching the clock.

"Finally. God, you take longer than me." He grinned as they headed out the door.

"Why do you want to leave so early?"

"I wanna get back to Chicago-"

"And back to Luka." Carter said, thinking that was what she was going to say.

"No. I just want to eat breakfast." She said, in a strange voice.

"Didn't know you had an appetite in the morning." She didn't say anything in reply. As they ate breakfast in silence, he noticed she didn't actually eat very much.

***

And I never thought I'd feel this way

The way I feel about you

As soon as I wake up

Every night every day

I know that it's you that I need to take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

Carter had switched on the radio and immediately regretted it. He switched it off again. He hated songs he could relate to. Abby looked at him curiously.

"Don't like the song?" Carter shook his head.

"Is it okay if I switch it back on? I'll change the station." He shrugged. She reached over his leg and switched it on again.

She's a goddess on a highway

A goddess in a car

A goddess going faster

Than she's ever gone before

They listened in silence, but Abby laughed suddenly.

"What?" Carter asked, sparing a glance at her. Abby looked over the window, which was rolled down to it's lowest, and let the air wash over her face, keeping her cool in the stuffy interior of the car. She closed her eyes and lay her head back, enjoying the feeling of the air, which chilled her through to the bone, blowing against her arms, face and neck.

"Nothing. Just that I find it strange that when you're listening to a song at a certain time, you can relate to it."

"So you're feeling like a goddess on a highway." He said, in an understanding way. To him, she was a goddess on the highway.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"I get what you mean. It's like the song was made for your situation." She turned to him.

"Okay, spill, who were you thinking of that made you feel uncomfortable when that song came on?" He looked uncomfortable now.

"Who said I was feeling uncomfortable?" She smiled.

"Who was it you thought of? You and…who? Please don't tell me you're not over Rena." Carter grinned, though completely serious, guessing she would think that he was joking,

"Maybe I'm not over you." She smiled, mistaking it for a suggestion to a past incident just as Carter had thought, and shot back,

"Knew it." Their gazes locked at that one moment, before Carter turned his eyes onto the road again. They sat silently for a while, once again, listening to the stereo.

"You know, Luka wouldn't have understood." She said suddenly. The rising sun shone onto the car, the rays beating down on their warm bodies, causing Abby's mouth to feel parched. Carter glanced at her and felt a lump in his throat. She looked so…carefree and unbound to anything. He turned his eyes onto the road again, but could feel his whole being aching to feel her skin against his. What had I been thinking? He asked himself. He was putting himself through self-inflicted torture. Then his throat constricted when she mentioned Luka. Why couldn't they ever escape the subject of Luka?

"Really?" He said in a non-committal voice.

"D'you think Luka loves me?" Abby asked, out of the blue, not looking at Carter, but the road ahead. He glanced at her.

"I don't know." He said truthfully.

"Cos it's just like, you know, he acts so…different. To anyone I've ever known. He doesn't show any emotion. And it just…just drives me mad, you know? It's like I should know he loves me when he hasn't even said it, and then have to act completely devoid of emotion. It's so annoying." She paused, "And then he goes and thinks that my friendship with you threatens him, and I just tell him that we're really close, but he just…dismisses it. Like he doesn't care what I say…and it's so infuriating, you know?"

"Yeah, I do. Just a little too well. This is about the phone call, isn't it?" Carter couldn't help saying it. At least he wasn't pouring his heart out. He was being restrained. She turned to look at him, twisting her whole body round, incredulously.

"Well, yeah, but…I don't-what? What do you mean?" He glanced at her quickly, and could see fear written all over her face. He figured she knew what was coming, but wasn't prepared for it. Well, he thought, too late to back out now. Might as well go all the way, and admit how I feel. Nothing to lose. Apart from maybe the small matter of Abby. He sighed.

"Abby, I'm tired of doing this, being your shoulder to cry on, being there whenever you need me to listen to your complaints about Luka." He glanced at her. "It may work for you, but it doesn't for me. It doesn't take a genius scientist to tell that I shouldn't be the one you go to whenever you have problems. And I don't want to have to tell you this every time it happens, because I don't want to be in the position where I have to. It gets uncomfortable. I'm not your – 'girlfriend', I'm not your 'maid', and I don't sleep with you." He said, repeating the words she had said earlier. "But Luka is your boyfriend, and he should be the one you run to. I shouldn't even be here. If anyone was to come, Luka should've. This trip, you know, we're not…not on a 'Thelma and Louise' road trip, here. I came because, because I-" He paused here, and Abby took the chance to butt in, her face mixed with fear and denial.

"I don't…I don't understand-" But Carter carried on,

"Don't play dumb, Abby. Didn't you see it in my eyes, that other day? Can't you feel it, every time I brush past you? I'm always here Abby, because I care for you, and…it's gotten harder for me to cope with, it…drives me crazy. I feel like I've been stabbed every time you mention Luka. It's like you're reminding me that Luka is your boyfriend, and I'm not saying-"

"Carter-Carter, stop it. What exactly are you saying?" Abby said, her face confused. He didn't know if it was true confusion of a mask for her realization of his confession.

"I just…don't want to be a benchwarmer, waiting for you and Luka to break up, you know? And I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka, but I can't help how I feel. And kills me to feel this way, but I do."

"Carter, what-what do you mean?" But her voice was lost on the wind, as Carter speeded up and switched the music louder. She looked at him, his eyes completely focused on the road, not daring to look anywhere else, and she wanted to ask him so many questions, but she knew it would all be pointless. He had told her all there was to know. And as she let the realization of what he had just said seep into her, she felt even more confused than ever. Should she be happy? Angry? Accepting? In denial? Or loving him back?

************************************************************************

A/N: The song words in this do not belong to me, but to Madness 'It Must Be Love' and Mercury Rev 'Goddess On A Highway'.

I forgot to put in the last chapter, chapter 3, the song 'playing' in the car was Semisonic 'Never You Mind'. I own none of them.

Thanks everyone who's reviewed and hope you keep reading despite the problems recently on ff.net! Um. . .so, see you all next chapter, I guess!