Only You
***
Chapter 5
Somewhere In Between
Oh so much for talking it's all been said before
I'm hearing something but wish you'd just say more
Don't tell me how to be cos I like some suffering
Don't ask me what I need I'm just fine here
Finding me
Vertical Horizon – Finding Me
***
Carter parked into a space in what was recognized as the 'nice' area of Chicago and got out the car silently. Abby did likewise. She leaned on the bonnet of the car while he got out, and lit a cigarette, taking a long drag. She glanced at her watch, which informed her that it was about 10:30. They were in Chicago, and she would be at her place soon, but she knew she'd have to drop Carter off at his apartment. So there they were.
Carter.
She closed her eyes and took another drag as she felt someone sit next to her on the bonnet. She didn't think that she could mention him without drinking a few shots of vodka first. But she hadn't drunk her last drink since…what, 5 years ago? Still…she figured it wouldn't really hurt at the moment, the way things were turning out. Abby rubbed her hands up and down the sides of her arms, feeling cold ever since they had reached Chicago. Abby glanced sideways at Carter and felt a wry smile tug at the corners of her lips. His hair was all over the place, and the sight of him pulled at her soul. If things weren't the way they were, she wouldn't feel so bad having the feelings she had. But as things were, it wasn't going to work. And wouldn't ever work. She shook her head to herself. What was going on? She had expected to lead her life as usual, dutiful, plain wallflower Abby. And she actually didn't mind that, not being the hero or the villain, she knew where she was. But now…she was going to have to hurt somebody. Well, that was what Carter had wanted when he had confessed, hadn't it? For something to happen, for her to choose. Either him or Luka. And she couldn't. She felt as if she was going to start to cry any minute. She didn't want this to happen, for everything to change. She had been comfortable where she was, she knew what was going on, felt she was in control.
But now she was losing a grip on it all, losing a hold, not knowing where she was or how she had gotten there. She was falling without a safety net. She smiled once again, wryly. Carter or Luka, Luka or Carter. The keen best friend who wanted more than friendship or the Croatian boyfriend who had problems that she couldn't heal. She frowned and twisted around to see what Carter was doing and found him looking at her. Not glaring, not wistfully, but so intense it felt like she was burning from the inside out and her heart was shattering into a million different pieces like glass, embedding themselves into her soul.
And it hurt.
It hurt so bad, worse than those days when she woke up with a side-splitting migraine and believed that if by some miracle she did get through the day, would only drop down dead from an overdose of painkillers. His eyes didn't say anything, didn't shift, but she felt the pain, the undercurrent of ache for her, the need to bury his sorrows elsewhere than in drugs or alcohol. And that was when she realized that he was over his addiction, he was gonna be okay, and the only thing he craved was her. She saw in those deep brown eyes his world, which seemed to consist only of her, and realized that she held together his fragile world, held all the answers and cures for his pains. She looked away, unnerved.
"Um, well. . .see ya Carter." She mumbled, and stubbed the cigarette out. She headed towards the driver's seat, when Carter reached for her wrist and caught it, stopping her.
"Abby." She turned, one fluid moment, startled. She felt his hand on her wrist and her heart accelerated, suddenly deciding to do a marathon at full sprint. She didn't dare bring her eyes to his face.
"Hmm?" She mumbled, eyes on the floor. He smiled, slightly amused at her agitation.
"You're shaking." She pulled her hand away.
"Mmm. Windy." He laughed dryly.
"Funny how the wind does that."
"Yeah." Abby mumbled. Suddenly, all she wanted to do was to leave, to jump in the car and leave the whole mess – Chicago, Luka and the lord knew most of all Carter.
"Abby." Abby narrowed her eyes slightly, feeling her exasperation and irritation summit.
"What Carter? What do you want me to say?" He turned serious.
"I want you to say that you feel the same way. That you feel the same way about me as I feel about you. I want you to choose me. And yes, I may be hoping for too much, but I can't help it. It's like every time I meet someone, I say, 'hey, I'm Carter, eternal optimist.'" Then Abby made the mistake of looking into his eyes. She could see him waiting, preparing himself for her next words, as if what she said could push him too far, could crush his heart. And now Abby worried. She now knew her power over him, knew that every word she uttered had the power to break him or to give him false hope. She swallowed.
"Carter, I don't understand why everything has to change, why just being friends isn't enough for you. We were doing great as we were, Carter. I don't see why I have to choose between you and Luka. You're my friend, he's my boyfriend." He looked away, as if frustrated.
"You don't understand why? I'll tell you why, Abby." Abby looked up at him now, and realized just how close he was. "Because I want to be the boyfriend. It's all because of you." He waved his arms around. "You have answers I need to know. I need to know why you come to me when Luka upsets you. I need to know why and how you can care for Luka. I know that Luka doesn't treat you like you should be treated. I need to know whether I can do better." Abby could feel the edges of her eyes starting to sting. But she was not going to start crying.
"Luka only gives what he gets. It's not his fault. I-I just can't seem to get through to him, and I won't let him get through to me. He doesn't need my problems on top of his. I don't want to trouble him like my mom troubled me."
"I get that Abby, but it's not about Luka, it's about you, what you need, what you want. Abby, you're the reason I'm here, why I came. You're the reason why I'm still at County. You're the reason why I'm not drowning my sorrows with alcohol. You're the reason why I'm not selling my life for some drugs. Abby," he said, shaking his head, "you know, I don't even think that I could be good enough for you." Abby opened her mouth, she wanted to speak, wanted to comfort him, wanted to say what he wanted to hear, but Carter stopped her. "Don't say anything Abby. Don't say a thing." Abby looked at her feet.
"Carter, how do you know if I've chosen or not?" Abby protested feebly. Carter barked a short laugh.
"Abby, it's clear that you haven't chosen, but I'm scared that you won't even consider me in this. That you'll just forget me. Go on as if nothing ever happened. That's the worst thing. I'm putting our friendship on the line for something that may or may not happen. I'm afraid that-that I've ruined this. I know I could have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't cope with this anymore. I was going crazy debating whether to tell you or not-" At this point, Abby interrupted,
"Exactly how long have you. . .had these feelings?" Carter looked awkwardly at his shoes and shrugged.
"I've managed to keep them in check for a long time. I'm just thinking now, that maybe I gave you a choice that you can't make. I mean, sometimes, I'm sure that Luka and me are the only things holding you up, you know? I'm holding up one side of you, and Luka's holding up the other side. He's the physical and I'm the emotional. But…I want to be both." Abby looked at him, slightly annoyed.
"Neither Luka or you 'hold me up'. I stand on my own two feet, Carter – it's always been me by myself. I never had a mom ever since I learnt what alcohol was. I needed a mom, and I got a woman with a problem. I needed more than myself, and I got nothing. I've been by myself all these years, and I've coped. Hell, maybe I didn't cope all too well, maybe I do have problems, but I have always been dependent on myself. I never asked for you to go with me to Oklahoma, and yes, sometimes you can be my sunshine on a rainy day at work, I don't ever depend on. . .on us." Abby closed her eyes. She knew the lies she spoke. She opened her eyes and saw Carter's face looking so dejected that she immediately regretted her words. His face became clouded.
"Abby, I of all people know how troubled you were by your mom, and I. . .I'm sorry. I can't say I empathize because I've never been in your position. I may have had my share of asshole parents, but not parents who've had a disease, a problem like Maggie. I know I could never cope as well as you did, but I know there are still wounds that haven't completely healed, and I want to help you through it. This may sound clichéd, but I really do care. I know you didn't ask me to go with you to Oklahoma, but I know you needed someone to go with you. And I think sometimes, if Luka doesn't know what you need, then how exactly would those wounds heal?" Carter shook his head and then ran a hand through his hair. They stood awkwardly facing each other for a moment, having run out of steam. The sun beat down on them, even beneath the shade of the wavering tree. They both looked at each other, and for the first time that morning saw the pain, anguish and confusion mirrored in each other's eyes. And the recognized the same need for the same thing. Abby could now feel his breath coming nearer, becoming shallower. Her stomach twisted and did somersaults with revelation of doubt and excitement fluttering through her.
Their lips tenderly locked before either knew what was happening. Abby pushed away questions of doubt eating at her.
She forgot the world.
Carter held her close, hand on her back, pulling her in gently. Holding her gently. Kissing her gently. Carter felt lost, and wrong, but fulfilled. Things were different for the moment. They were nowhere near Luka. Not near County. Not near anywhere but each other.
At that precise moment, they knew that being there was exactly where they wanted to be.
They moved apart slowly, looking away from each other, all thoughts of responsibility, rationality and doubt flooding them like water floods the sea.
Abby chewed on her lip, nervously, not betraying as much anxiety as she really felt. Oh shit. Was what she was basically thinking, intertwined with thoughts of Luka and Carter and hell mixed together. Carter was feeling more at ease, musing over the kiss. I think I love this woman. And it was Carter who spoke first.
"So."
"So." Abby echoed, distantly.
"I'll see you at work." Abby nodded dumbly, and watched Carter move towards his apartment. Her legs wouldn't move, couldn't. Then Carter stopped, turned, and walked towards her.
"Oh. . .and Abby," She turned to his voice like a flower to the sun. "Ask him. Ask him if he loves you." His tone was tinged with slight bitterness, but his eyes were full of a sadness and craving that Abby could never quite believe she could quench. Once again, she felt the need to taste the bitter-sweet liquid that would saturate her parched mouth and set her free of this world. . .just a few drops of liquor. . .and she would be free of Carter's taste.
It lingered on her lips.
***
Abby turned her key in the lock and entered the apartment. It was quiet and she felt as if she were a criminal in her own home. She glanced at the note she had left Luka on the bedroom drawers, and it lay there, untouched, it's hurriedly scrawled words imprinted on her mind. Goodbye Luka. He was out, probably doing a shift, and probably hadn't even seen it. Then something inside her tore into two. Leaving a sore gape, which angered her to the point where she started to cry, dropping onto the carpeted floor. She had come back to reality, dropped into Chicago, where her and Carter kissing was wrong and where Luka was her boyfriend. She couldn't leave Luka, but she couldn't let chances with Carter go. She wanted both, but could only have one without the other. Then she cried and cried, but still didn't feel numb to the pain she was feeling. Nothing could stop it. Nothing except alcohol. But alcohol simply kept it at bay until you were feeling better and let all hell come crashing down.
But at least the pain stopped for a while.
***
Luka yawned tiredly and glanced at the clock. It was like a miracle as he watched the minute hand tick onto 11:30. His 12-hour shift was finally over, but he moved his things around slowly. After all, what exactly did he have waiting for him when he went home? An empty bed? A secretive girlfriend? He shook his head laughing dryly. It was as much his fault as Abby's that they were regressing, but maybe neither of them could do anything about it. Maybe coming to America was a mistake. He gathered his things slowly and methodically, saying bye to a few people, before stepping out of the hospital, sighing and placing his hands in his pockets as he started to go home.
***
Carter dropped his stuff onto the floor and collapsed onto his bed. Now would've been a good time to submit to the easiness and 'life is insignificant' attitude that drugs and liquor had brought him. It always ended this way. Things always went great until he managed to screw it up some way, for himself and the whole world while he was at it. And then he always beat himself up for it. For ruining his own life. For being such an idiot. But this time, Carter believed that the truth would come out anyway and better to tell her sooner than later, but another part of him felt weak and self-insecure. The part that nurtured his addictions, that needed the drugs, the part that thought – or knew – that he was always messing things up, that he was in a permanently 'loser' description. That giving Abby the choice, all or nothing, was selfish and wrong. His other side argued back that she had the right to know, and if he felt so strongly about her, so much as to believe he was in love, then he should admit to her how he felt or it would be selfish to keep it to himself. And there was another part of him where the hope was constantly fluttering to the top, putting itself out on a limb only to be pulled down and down again by despair and rejection of either someone else or his own condemning thoughts. And the futile cycle started, swinging back and forth in an oscillating manner like a pendulum on a battery with an infinite power supply. And it hardly ever ceased. But one of the times it did was when he was sleeping, which after a few moments or tossing, turning and over-analyzed thoughts and feelings, sleep stole over him, much to his relief.
***
Abby had cleaned herself up and started to unpack her stuff from her bag, when she heard a door close, and realizing it must've been Luka, she turned to face him. Even looking at him brought pangs of guilt flooding back to her as she remembered her brief kiss with Carter. What made it worse was that she could remember every little touch and wanted to. Wanted to kiss him again. When Luka was standing there in front of her. His eyes were cast down, tired and worn out. He looked up at her and tried a smile.
"Hey." She smiled back painfully, unable to conjure the simple words into a greeting.
"Abby?" His eyes looked at her, penetrating her, searching, asking, worried. These were the moments with Luka that she would kill for. To know he felt something for her, even a scrap of concern. But these moments also made her weak, unguarded. And guilty. Abby couldn't load it onto him yet. She didn't feel strong enough to be able to hurt him.
"Are you okay? Not okay?" She smiled weakly.
"Somewhere in between. . .as usual." And they kissed. Swift, emotionless. An obligation. He drew away and looked at her again, but this time, his eyes once again guarded territory. He set his bag down and started to move around the kitchen, making some coffee, she presumed.
"Coffee?" She smiled at his predictability.
"Yeah, okay. Black, two sugars." She informed him.
"Sure." He called back. His accent filled the room, deep, mysterious, European. She tried to remind herself how lucky she was, how countless numbers of women would love to be in her position. Yeah, she thought dryly, until you found he hardly wanted to speak to you. Lucky, she tried again, lucky, lucky, lucky. She watched him make coffee, one for him, one for her. Watched him move around the kitchen, picking up two coffee cups, dropping in the coffee beans, waiting for the water to heat.
And she found herself waiting. Waiting for him to ask how her trip had been. Whether she was okay with Maggie now. To inquire what exactly happened with Carter. To show some acknowledgement that she had been on an emotional trip. To sympathize, to console her – anything, even show jealousy or annoyance that she went without even running the idea past him. But nothing. Nothing. Then he turned, and she thought he was going to talk to her.
"Coffee?" He offered her the cup he had made for her. She smiled wryly.
"Thanks."
***
When Luka had first come into the apartment, he could see Abby's defenses fly up, her eyes and body guarded and tense. He noticed something almost immediately, something different, as her face relaxed and looked away. The way her eyes painfully brought themselves to train on his face; the way she kissed him as if looking for something more. And he didn't want to admit what it may be. Guilt. Instead, he asked how she was. She wasn't looking too well and she was his girlfriend. He owed her concern at least. Then he started to make coffee, to try to make her feel better. All the while with his back to her. He could feel her eyes on him, following his every move. The silence was uncomfortable, and he felt awkward. It smothered him completely and could feel her expectancy for him to ask how she was again. Well, he had done that already, and she had given him a vague answer, so he figured she didn't want to talk. He stirred her coffee with a spoon and proffered it to her, and she took it, looking discontented with the swirling black caffeine.
Or maybe with him.
***
"Luka?" Abby started, and felt sick as she uttered his name. As if she was unworthy. She held the coffee cup in her hand, the heat radiating so that it felt as if she were being burnt slowly. At that moment, she felt more than hollow. And that was because she knew she had to tell Luka what had happened. And why exactly she was going to break up with him.
"Luka?"
***
"I kissed Carter."
Luka's face immediately furrowed into a frown, as if disbelieving, not wanting to know how true it was. Abby looked flustered and sad. Infinitely sad. At that moment, Luka felt sorry for making her feel that way, but he realized what he was doing. He was the one who was meant to be angry, he was the one who was meant to be upset, but instead, he felt a fighting calm inside him and sad. Though he could feel the anger tearing up his insides, causing him to feel as if he was going to retch any minute. Just the thought of Carter's lips on hers. . .it sickened him to no end. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. What was there to say? What could he do now?
"Why?" Was all he could think of saying. Not that he really wanted to know. She looked pretty relieved, but still tired and sad. She looked away, a faraway look in her eyes.
"I don't know." His jaw set.
"You tell me you kissed Carter and then you told me you don't know? Abby, at least have the decency to explain why. What he had that I didn't." She looked at him, suddenly infuriated.
"Do you know how hard this is? Do you Luka? I didn't have to tell you, I could've hid this and pretend that this never happened. And you wouldn't have known all the same. Because I don't even think that something will ever happen between Carter and me. But at least I know when relationships are failing." Luka looked at her darkly.
"Yeah, you've had enough experience in that department." Abby looked at him, and felt her eyes stinging. She hadn't expected that. And from Luka, it hurt. She must love him more than she thought.
"I-I. . .-" But before she could start to explain again, Luka cut in, his every word perfectly emphasized in his deep accent.
"Wake up, Abby! I've knew this relationship was coming apart at the seams-"
"Oh, you did? Well you never did anything about it did you?" Luka looked angry.
"And what did you do Abby? Run to Carter? Yeah, that worked." Abby looked away defeated, and tried to protest again, but more quietly.
"This is hurting me too, Luka."
"Yeah, I'm sure it is, but from my end, it's like getting stabbed in the gut three times over. It's not everyday I come home and my girlfriend tells me that she kissed the one guy I dislike more than anyone else I've known. I've never felt this. . .this. . ." Luka struggled to find a word other than 'hurt'. Because he had been hurt before. Much worse. By having to watch his family die. ". . .this. . .betrayed. I mean, you know your lines. You tell me, you explain, you leave. But I have no idea what my lines are meant to be. Angry, avenging, sad, defeated? Do I yell? Do I hate you? Do I break this thing off, nicely and neatly, or do we leave this break-up messy? And you know what Abby? I don't think I know what I should do." Tears were welling in Abby's eyes.
"I know sound like an asshole right now, but it hurts me to hurt you like this. But I think we never were the perfect couple." Then Carter's words came back to her; what he had told her to ask Luka. It was the only way to know. Luka was about to speak, retort a line, when she stopped him.
"Do you love me, Luka?" He looked puzzled by the change of subject and answered,
"Hardly matters now."
"Do you love me?" she asked again, forcefully. He looked at her then, his eyes saying it all and she felt like an assassin with a conscience.
"Yes. I love you, Abby. Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? I love you. Even if the feelings aren't returned." Then he turned and left, a clean exit, stopping only to take his jacket and to put down the coffee. Cooling and untouched.
Abby watched him go, rooted to the spot and felt powerless to stop him. She wanted to scream at his broad back, to yell out their differences, to properly break up, to call him back, to say sorry, to make it all okay again, but something else stopped her. Despite what she was feeling, somewhere within her knew that to leave him was the right thing to do. Her tears dropped into her coffee and could once again feel the scalding heat send pain searing throughout her hands, but anything was better than the loneliness.
"Luka!" She wished he would turn, would forgive her. Kiss her with his warm European lips. Hold her safe with his eyes.
But it was too late.
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A/N: Done, finally. What do I need to do to get you to review?!!! Please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease review!
