Only You
***
Author's Notes: Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written anything for very long – just threaten me with a camera and brussel sprouts and you'll get me going. ;-) And thanx to all the reviewers. Whether you praised me or pissed me off. You guys are so honest. Which is good. One thing I don't get. . .like, some carby reviewed chapter 5 and said that it was good except it was a luby. And then a luby reviewed and said it was good, although it was a carby. Now email me if you make sense of that okay? And, I think you all know that I have absolutely nada medical knowledge, so none of those parts will make any sense, and no one should ever believe that they could be true. Ever. So. . .um, hice una oferta buena hochedel ye. . .and major kudos to whoever figures out what that means!
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Chapter 6
Leaving
Well I know I'll be alright if I just get on the road
If I can free my worried mind
Yeah I know the day I die I will lose my heavy load
Semisonic – If I Run
***
Abby frowned at the weather a she approached County. All she needed now was the weather reflecting her mood. I hate Mondays, she thought and wrapped her coat further around her. She felt so depressed. She'd screwed things with Luka and would probably screw things with Carter. But, she told herself, she should have expected it. Carter was. . .so many things. . .maybe everything. He understood her and he supported her – he never made her feel bad. He was funny and smart and cute. And he liked her. Maybe even loved her. Her best friend. . .and she was about to lose him. And Luka. He was the stuff of teenage daydreams, things that never came true – well, for Abby anyway. And here she was, torn, between the fantasy of Luka and the reality of Carter. And about to lose both if not lost already. Love certainly did taste bitter.
***
Carter got out of his car and walked towards County's entrance. He was feeling pretty much like an idiot. He never should have said anything to Abby about how he felt. It wasn't fair to Abby. It wasn't fair to himself. Like he could mess his life up any more than it was. But, he said to himself mentally, being distracted with this all day wouldn't be fair to patients. But who was asking to be fair? Everyday he woke up. . .and everyday he was expected to be the guy who saved your life, the guy who put on your cast with a smiley face, the guy who was your doctor, the daily hero. And he couldn't cope with it anymore. Or wouldn't. He did not want to be a hero. He wanted to be a normal guy with a normal life with a normal house. And a girlfriend like Abby. The reason why he hadn't transferred to another hospital that paid better was because of Abby. Not any amount of money could make him feel like he was in euphoria every time Abby smiled at him, talked to him, laughed at him. And now he'd screwed the chances of ever seeing her smile at him again. Now he had a reason to leave.
***
Luka crept back into the apartment, not wanting to wander across Abby. He looked at the surroundings with dark eyes, which hid the seams of his broken heart from showing.
He had no idea how he would carry on working at County with Abby still there. He was almost certain he couldn't.
***
"I'm want to leave."
"Why?" Was Weaver's immediate response.
"Because," Carter shoved transfer notes into her hands, "I believe I have no career prospects here. Because I've been at County for what, my whole 'career'? Change would be good. The reasons are all listed in there. I've already phoned North Western to see about a placement there." Weaver looked at him. Really looked.
"I'll look through these, Carter. But do you think you've put a lot of thought into this? Why don't you think it through a bit more? How much longer are you going to stay?"
"Till the end of my residency. I've been thinking it through for a while now. I wouldn't have told you this if I hadn't believed it was the right decision."
"Sure Carter. Sure. Why don't you-" She flicked through the notes, momentarily placing her eyes somewhere else and then finished, looking abruptly up at him again, "Why don't you consider your colleagues?" Carter laughed dryly.
"Oh, I think I can do without Malucci. Everyone else'll understand."
"Mm-hmm. And Abby?" Weaver had got him there. Carter frowned for a small moment, hesitating.
"What about her?"
"You think about it Carter."
"I have. I'm leaving."
"I guess it's your call. It's been nice working with you, John."
"I'm not leaving yet." Carter said mildly surprised.
"I know. But still." He nodded and then after a few moments of hesitation, he spoke certainly,
"I want my leaving to be. . .low key. I'll tell people when the time comes nearer – just keep it low key." She smiled nodding and then she moved away, obviously dismissing him. "I'll look through these." He turned, taking a last glance at her before walking away, thoughts of Abby toiling away in his mind.
***
Abby was on a small break when her pager started to bleep. God, she thought, taking it out and reading it. An MVA was coming in, ETA 10 minutes, and Weaver wanted her to get on it. Gulping down the rest of her coffee quickly, she threw the polythene cup away and started towards the ambulance bay.
***
Carter stood in the bay, waiting for the MVA coming in when he spotted Abby working her way towards him. He felt a sense of dread as she appeared beside him, and folded her arms awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Carter expected her to talk to him about their brief kiss and braced himself with his apology.
"MVA?" But the words that came out her mouth were completely different.
"Yeah." He replied quickly, sounding accidentally cut off and distant. Her eyes looked down and she said no more. And Carter wanted to hug her, to hold her in his arms and comfort her, to make her smile come flourishing onto her face for him. But he said nothing. And they just waited.
***
The MVA arrived and it all became a blur to Abby as they worked to save the woman knocked down by a car. But out of the corner of her eye, she could see Luka entering County and Carter glancing at her, sweetly worried at her sudden lack of focus. She turned her back on the sight of Luka and began to concentrate again, reassuring Carter that she was in focus and letting him do his job.
***
Luka watched Abby in Trauma 1, her back to him. And he watched her hand knock accidentally against Carter's as they both worked in the same area of the poor woman's body. He watched how they glanced at each other, and could almost see their heartbeats increasing. He saw how Carter looked away and Abby gazed at him for a while longer before looking away also.
-----
Sure it fazes me just to hear you laughing
Makes me just a little crazy but I guess that's a great thing
If it makes you happy now
-----
And he hoped she had found what she wanted in Carter, before walking away. He hoped she was happy.
***
Carter yawned as he sat down in the staff room. He stirred his coffee slowly, taking his time and closing his eyes.
"Hey, sleeping on the job Carter?" Carter's eyes opened lazily to a smiling familiarly bald-headed guy.
"Hey Mark. I'm just resting my eyes for a moment."
"Yeah, that's what Malucci says every time you catch him napping." He laughed, moving towards the fridge. He pulled out milk and began to make a coffee.
"So, what's up?" Carter took a drink of his coffee and turned towards Mark.
"Funny you should ask. I'm leaving." Mark turned abruptly.
"When? When did you decide this? Why are you leaving?" And then Abby walked in, about to utter a greeting to Mark after seeing him go in and stopped dead when she saw who he was talking to.
"You're leaving?" She asked incredulously and hurt that he hadn't told her. Carter looked away from her crestfallen face. Mark kept quiet.
"Um, yeah. I'm leaving."
"When were you going to tell me?" Carter looked at her, which was a mistake. She could read him like a book. "You weren't, were you? That's great, Carter. Just great. I'm your. . .your best friend! And you weren't even going to tell me? I don't need this-" Carter stood up and looked straight at her, both forgetting that Mark was still there.
"That's the thing Abby – you never need it. Ever. But you'll get it whether you need it or not, because Abby, I'm leaving. And you'll just have to face that fact. And you can do it with Luka." He added the last part with slight bitterness, before leaving. Abby watched his coffee, still hot, still swirling and felt an enormous amount of déja vu. She raked a hand through her hair, reeling from Carter's words that managed to strike a chord that rung true.
***
Carter couldn't believe how bad he felt just by that one look from Abby. Or not bad, just guilty. She had looked so hurt that he hadn't told her. And the reason why he felt bad was basically because of himself. If he had told her, she would have been okay and wouldn't have been so hurt and he wouldn't feel guilty. It was always his fault. But it would be okay. Soon he would be away, a different state, a different hospital, and no Abby. He would be able to leave it all behind, to start anew. And he would forget Abby. Well, that was what he wished could happen. But it was all idealistic and he could only hope for a miracle like that to happen. He could only hope.
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Okay, please review everyone! This is really short, but I had to cut it cos Will and Grace is on, sorry! I WILL write more next time and if I don't, you can all attack me with your socks, carrots or whatever okay? Cool. See you all next time!
