Only You
***
Author's Notes: Hey people! *ducks as potato missiles are thrown at me* You probably want to know where I've been for so goddam long, and why EXACTLY did I not post another chapter up sooner. The truth is that I was stumped by what I should do and I was busy creating my website, so I kinda left my project to be finished at a later date, but hey, here now!
This is the last chapter (thank god) and I'll leave the thanks till the end cos there are a lot :)
And I managed to smuggle in a bit of Dr. Dave for Hannah and cos we Ukers haven't seen season 8 ER yet, so he's not technically fired yet.
So, sorry for delaying you. On with the last chapter. Hope you don't dislike it too terribly.
[BTW: I really don't know why but ff.net decided to cut my story off, so I have to try again. . .and I changed my name cos my sister's hunting me, which sounds really weird but it's really, really hard to explain. Anyway, let's hope this works *fingers crossed*]
Author's second edit: I changed the ending a little bit because I felt it was lame, and rushed. Which it was. So there. And if you want to read the original edit, you can just email me for it allstar88uk@yahoo.co.uk, but it's not entirely different or anything.
***
Chapter 7
Please Stay
While everybody else is
winning
You're stuck waiting for your new beginning
So happiness is wherever you find it
You may be full of life's frustrations
But I'm up for
negotiations
My happiness is wherever I find it
And I wanna find it with you
- Verve Pipe 'Happiness Is'
***
Carter yawned tiredly and walked out of County. Having to tell a family their only son had died just before finishing his 12-hour shift was, well, emotionally shattering. He didn't even know the family, but just watching the mother wail hauntingly and the father breaking down at the sight of his son's bloodied body was near unbearable. But he shouldn't care because two weeks from now he would be out of this hellhole.
"Carter! Carter!" He didn't turn. He knew who it was, and he didn't feel like talking to her, of all people. He couldn't help it, but stirrings in his heart began to flutter, driving him to dizzying heights. If this was what happened to him when she was only near him, what would happen if he were ever able to hold her close? He felt a stirring of air beside him, as she appeared, breathless from trying to catch him up. She was wrapped deep in her coat and her eyes were opened innocently, as if she had forgotten the exchange between them the day before. She pulled her hair away from her face, which he knew she did when she was nervous.
"Hey." The emotionless greeting tore out from him painfully.
"So. . ." She faltered as they started to walk aimlessly away from County. "Long shift, huh?"
"Yeah, a few drunk minors, several suicidal cases gone wrong and an only son killed by some kind of mini-mafia. Yeah, pretty much a long shift." He said it slightly too harsh, so he softened his tone. "How about you?"
"I'm on a break." She paused and tried nonchalantly, "Well, you're going away soon, so it won't be as bad, I guess?"
"Yeah. I guess."
"When. . .when are you leaving?"
"In two weeks."
"I'm. . .I'm sorry I over-reacted yesterday. I mean, it's no big deal, right? Like you could live without me around." She laughed nervously, but instead of a flippant statement as she intended it to be, it came out as a question. Carter frowned.
"I think I could." Abby looked puzzled.
"You could?" He turned at her, looking at her beautifully confused face.
"No, Abby, don't . . .don't do this to me! When I told you how I felt, okay, I laid myself bare. And I told you we couldn't be friends anymore. And I meant it. Why do you think that I'm going away? My 'career prospects'? You know that's all bullshit. I have connections that could get me to the top in moments. I'm going because of you. I love you. And you obviously don't feel the same way. Just one other way of screwing me up. And I'm tired of it Abby. I don't want it anymore. So what if everything I do screws me up? At least I'll be away from you. I can't deal with having you around anymore. I can't cope with feeling like. . .like I'm taking a few dozen doses of drugs all at the same time. I can't cope with. . .with the withdrawal, I guess. Predicting, even knowing that you won't ever feel that for me."
"But. . .why can't you stay? I need you, John, but-"
"As a friend. Abby, when I decided to leave, I walked away from 'us'. I walked away from ever hoping there would be an 'us'. I walked away from you. I walked away from loving you. I love you," He shook his head, "But what does that matter if you don't love me? Nothing is keeping me here, Abby. Look," He pointed at the sky almost irrationally now, "If the sky fell down right now, like I could give a fuck! I just tried to save a kid who got shot a few dozen times over. He didn't even have a chance to get to the OR. I couldn't help him. I call myself a doctor, wear this white coat but I still couldn't help him. It seems like nothing's worth living for at the moment. And maybe, maybe if I get away, maybe if I start anew, I'll find something. Something worth living for more than you."
"But Carter-" She tried one last futile attempt as he walked away. He turned briefly only to answer,
"It was nice working with you, Abby." And then she let him go without a word.
***
After Carter had walked away, Abby had walked towards the bench they used to sit on together and talk about nothing and everything. She knew Carter loved her. She knew she loved Carter. But why wasn't she doing anything? Why was she in constant denial? Why?
Because, she told herself, I'm scared. And then there was the question 'scared of what?' She was scared of falling in love with Carter. Afraid because every time she fell in love, it never seemed to last. She was scared of hurting Carter, letting him believe in something that wasn't there. She was scared that she would wake up and find that none of it had ever happened, because Abby Wyzenski's life never ended with a happy ending. No one ever found Abby Wyzenski even remotely interesting. Or funny. Or pretty. She was scared about the way she felt every time Carter was with her. She was scared of getting hurt. Was he lying? Did he really love her? She was scared that her feelings were stronger than his – that being with him was risky. She was scared by the thought that someone could love someone like her. That someone could depend their whole world on her decisions. That someone could have so much belief in her. Did it hurt him as much as it hurt her?
And watching him say he loved her, saying that he had screwed things up again, hurt her, because she knew it was really all her fault. If she had told him, if he knew she loved him as well, then he wouldn't think that he was so screwed. She just couldn't bring herself to tell him.
Abby had two sides fighting in her all the time. There was one side – monotonous Abby. Stay a nurse. Don't go back to med school, because being a nurse is fine, you're doing okay. Being a doctor would ensure 6 more years of hell and you didn't even know whether you could make the cut. Stay with Luka because he was nice. He may not really care about you, but hey, he was nice. And that was all. Put up with your mom, because you always had. Worry about her because no one else did.
And there was Abby's other side – the side that wanted to be the high-school prom queen, but never did get to because she was too unpopular. The Abby that knew that she loved Carter, not Luka, and actually wanted to do something about it. The Abby that would throw everything away for Carter because she really had fallen in deep. The Abby that had little to worry about because she didn't really give a fuck about the rest of the world. The Abby that had always wanted to become a doctor because it would mean saving lives, it would mean helping other people. The Abby that knew that she had fretted over her mom too many years overdue.
And at the moment, she knew she just had to be Abby. Both of her subconscious psyches together. And she knew she had to follow her heart and not care about anyone else. Because she had given all she could to impress people and she was tired of kissing ass. And because one of the most important things in her life was about to leave, and when he did, she wouldn't be the Abby she wanted to be.
***
Abby walked back into the ER, slightly refreshed by the outside air and tied her hair up neatly. Only another 4 hours. She moved toward the admin desk and flicked through a few charts, but eventually stopped because Malucci was chatting up a girl, presumably a patient. And the girl's flirtatious giggles were getting on her nerves.
"Dr. Dave, I need your help." Abby put on her most irritating, smiley face and looked at him, smirking. He finished talking to the girl after taking her number down and discharging her. It was a while before he turned to Abby.
"Yea?" And she slapped him over the head. He rubbed his head painfully.
"Ow! Who died and made you Xena?" She smirked even more.
"You're meant to be doing a job, Dr. Malucci."
"And who are you, my mom?" Before Abby could reply scathingly, Weaver's I-know-you're-not-working-Malucci radar went off. From across the corridor, you could hear her voice screeching,
"Malucci, get off your ass and work!"
"I'm-"
"No you're not." Then appeared the madwoman with the permanent limp and crutch, which seemed to stab wildly in Malucci's direction. Abby let herself a small smile as she watched Weaver yell at him. She felt sorry for him. . .almost. She shook her head as she walked off with a chart in hand, like anyone liked that woman. But she guessed Malucci deserved it. Life at the hospital was kinda amusing, she thought. But her thoughts turned more somber as she watched someone scrub Carter's name off the board for him. He'd be gone out of her life just like that soon. Abby watched the blank space bitterly. Just like that.
***
Carter rubbed the back of his neck, just the way Abby found cute. Not as if he knew, though. He yawned and switched on his radio. Lying on his back and staring at the ceiling was just so fun.
Maybe he should give Abby a last chance to maybe convince him to stay. Because it was the deadline for confirming his leave from Cook County. He was to phone North Western the next day. And up till now, he was pretty sure he wanted to go, but he had small wavering thoughts of doubt. Hope. Hope that she might just tell him that she felt at least a portion of what he felt for her.
Love sucked. If there was one thing John Carter had learnt from life, it was "Don't fall in love." Love made you crazy. Love is suicide. It killed you every time. But it has its moments, as everything does. Glances that were worth those words of agony –'I'm in love'. He could live on Abby's smile for at least a week alone. Unfortunately, Carter found himself falling every time for someone who he could never have. He would always be like that, always rise to dizzying, wondrous heights with the object of his desire. And she would push him down and he would fall, tumbling, desperate and hopeless and that love hurt. But saying that, if he had to fall, God let it be from a high place. At least let it be worth the pain.
Maybe he should just wait for her, give her one last opportunity to convince him to stay. Well, he thought, he would give her the rest of today and until the afternoon tomorrow. If he still had no reason to stay, he would call North Western and hightail it over there.
***
Once Abby got home, her gaze almost immediately drew to the phone. Maybe she should call him. Try to convince him again. She couldn't afford to let him go. But then she turned away from it. He had made it pretty clear that he was going to leave. And what could she do anyway? If he had already agreed to leave and handed in his transfer notes already, how could he change his mind?
She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled at her reflection sadly. Her face was drawn and tired and dark shadows crossed over her face regularly.
It was true. Abby Wyzenski never got any happy endings.
***
Abby woke up with the sun streaming in, but at least no coffee fumes, she thought groggily. She half-stumbled, half-walked across the room to the shower and stripped off, letting the hot water wake her up. Mornings like these were the best.
And then she realized she had work to do.
She groaned. After she showered, she vigorously brushed her teeth, checked her answer machine, crawled across the apartment looking for her other shoe and when she found it, also found that amazingly, it was time to get to work. Deciding to screw makeup cos it wouldn't hide the bags under her eyes anyway, she dashed out and closed the door behind her.
Abby glanced at her watch inside Doc Magoo's. She was a whole 5 minutes early. But after working at County Cook General, she realized it never helped to be 5 minutes early. In the last 5 minutes of your shift, you always wondered why you came in early, adding an extra 5 to your already long shift. She looked at the menu and she knew she was going to order a coffee. Black, two sugars. She didn't particularly want it, but it kept her awake. Well, half-awake.
In no time, 5 minutes was over and she walked over to the hospital. Already ambulances were cluttered in the bay, gurneys with people and blood everywhere. She really did love this job. She stood outside Cook County savoring the cold air before she entered into the stuffy, crowded and busy ER. She closed her eyes for a small moment, and felt someone accidentally knock her aside in their hurry.
"Sorry." They mumbled and disappeared into the ER, before she could even see who it was. But she did catch sight of a familiar head of brown hair. She sighed softly and followed into the ER.
***
The day passed slowly for both of them, patients, blood and trying to avoid each other. As Carter's shift came to a close, he went to phone Northwestern – it was after lunch and he still had no reason to stay. He went to seek the nearest phone.
***
Abby's shift still lasted for about 3 hours, but she had gotten a sudden urge to go and try to stop Carter from going again. But this time the feeling was more desperate and she was feeling hollow. She needed to find him. She wasn't happy with their goodbye. If she could change it. . .maybe it didn't have to be a goodbye.
***
Carter picked up the phone and started to dial in the number.
***
Abby got to the reception desk and asked them while looking around,
"Has anyone seen Carter?" A chorus of 'no's came back at her. "Okay thanks." She had spotted Carter just dialing in a number into a phone.
"Carter! Carter!" He looked up at her.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, just. . .look just come with me. . ." He hesitated, but put the phone back into its cradle and followed her. She led him up onto the roof and stood looking down at her feet for a moment.
"I have an important phone call to make, so. . ." He said impatiently.
"I want you to stay." He shook his head.
"Abby, you know. . ."
"I know, I know. Your mind's made up and you want to go. But you don't know how much I want you. . .it's love. It's definitely love, but I'm scared. I've never fallen in love so quickly and yet so slowly before. I just know that. . .I want you more than anything. And if I do have to say goodbye, if you're still going to go, I need to tell you this, I needed to make it clear. I love you and I think I have for. . .a long time. And I'm terrified that you're leaving me. Because I can't imagine ever having to live life without you. But if you do go, I just want you to know this." She didn't look up, for fear of mocking laughter, but she didn't hear anything.
"Abby. . ." He ran a hand through his hair regretfully. Abby thought her heart was going to explode from the waiting. Every momentous second beating in her ears.
"I'm sorry Abby. I'm sorry. We- we can't. . . Find yourself first. And then if you want, you can find me."
"I want." Abby replied without blinking. "I want now." He just shook his head.
"It's not as easy as that." Abby felt as if she couldn't breathe. So this was it. This was how it would end. He turned to leave.
"Carter. . ." She called as a final plea. But he was gone, and she stood alone, a solitary figure, as it begun to rain.
***
As Carter left her standing there, her heart broken, his was shattering. Why hadn't he told her he would stay? Why leave now? She said that she loved him. What else did he want? What was he doing? So finally Abby had followed her heart only for him to follow his mind. What were they doing wrong? What else did he want? He wanted her to stand on her own two feet, just in case he disappointed her. Because he knew he would. Of course he would. Like he had just done.
***
The rain fell lightly, getting heavier by the moment.
She had to try one more time. She couldn't give him up. She didn't want to find herself – she would be searching her entire life. She was too lost within Carter.
And there was only one other person she knew who Carter would listen to.
***
Carter was getting into his car in the rain, when he realized he hadn't actually phoned Northwestern yet. Shit. He sat inside and picked his cell phone out of his coat pocket. Just as he had picked it up, it started to ring.
"Hello?"
"John, this is your Gamma. Could you come over right now?"
"Gamma? Hi. What's wrong?"
"Just come over. I know I said that one thing I liked about you was your questioning nature, John, but for once I'd appreciate if you'd just ask no questions and come here straight away." Then she put the phone down on him and he sped off to his Gamma, worried that she may be hurt.
***
He arrived at Gamma's mansion, ushered in by her butler. He went into the first room and saw Gamma sitting there with Abby. She was wet and had obviously gotten there just before Carter.
"John. Come and sit." Gamma instructed. He had no other option but to sit down. "Abby, if you wouldn't mind. . ." Abby nodded.
"Sure." And walked out of the room, following the exiting butler. He sat in the chair facing Gamma.
"What are you doing? john, for all the time I've known you, I've never known you to turn away from someone who loved you. Why are you going to Northwestern? I don't agree with you going and the young lady doesn't agree with you going and I'm sure really, that you don't want to go. So why do you insist lying to everyone – including yourself – and telling us all that leaving would be good?" He shrugged.
"Because it would. Leaving will lose this burden that's on me."
"Burden? Whatever it is John, it will always be upon you, wherever you go. The only way to get rid of it is to get it out. So tell me. Why are you going? And really. No crap about career stuff." Gamma had gotten Carter there.
"You know what, maybe I just want to leave, is it so difficult to let me make my own decisions and decide what's best for me?!"
"It is when you don't know what to decide. You're leaving someone who loves you and more importantly who you love behind. I saw you two at the charity ball. I saw you both at your grandfather's funeral. And if there's one thing I do before I die, it's to see both of you happy. And you're happy together. I can't see the problem."
"It's not yours to see, Gamma. I just- I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing." He gave in, "To love someone like I love Abby. . .and not be afraid to let them down. . ." He finally said.
"Who isn't?" Gamma asked. "John, talk to her. If you still want to go, I can't stop you. But when she called me, she gave you a second chance. Is it really what you want?" She smiled at him before leaving the room.
He sat in silence for a few minute, his mind growing ever-so-slightly doubtful.
***
Abby paced outside the room. What could they possibly be saying? she wondered. But not for long. Only minutes after she had exited, Millicent Carter followed.
"Good luck Abby."
"Thank you." Abby replied. "For everything." Gamma just smiled.
"Just make sure he stays." Abby nodded and held her breath as she walked into the room. He was facing away from her, and obviously waiting for something. Now every second spent with him and every word out of her mouth was crucial.
Oh God.
***
"Carter."
Carter turned to see Abby walk in, and sit in the seat which Gamma had just occupied. He could tell she was nervous. Neither could think of anything to say, and the silence grew longer. And then Abby laughed emptily.
"Are you scared right now? Because I really can't think of anything to say." She fiddled with her fingers as he stayed passive.
"We all get scared." He finally said. She stopped fiddling.
"What's wrong with me?" Carter frowned. What was she saying?
"What?"
"What's wrong with me? Why won't you stay? I've got nothing more to say, nothing more I could possibly think of saying to try to make you stay. If telling you I love you isn't enough, what is?" Carter took his time. He wasn't completely sure how to answer.
"We have problems. . .and the timing. . ."
"We can get through the problems together. And the timing. It sucks. But I can't really change that. You know, I didn't say I love you to a guy who throws out excuses to questions he can't answer. I would've let you go by now. But you haven't answered me. And I don't think you can even justify your answers to yourself. Why are you leaving? Because I've been thinking and thinking and I don't know. I love you. I told you that. You said you loved me. So why are you going? The only thing I can see here that might be wrong is that you might not love me. And if that's true, you should tell me."
"I love you. I do. I just can't. . . Aren't you worried I'm going to let you down? Because I think I already have. And I hate doing that to you."
"You've let me down, yes. But I'm risking it all again, because *you're worth it*. And if you can't see that. . ." She stood up. "I've got to go. My shift's not over yet."
"Abby." He stood up, and she stopped, turning around. His mind had been turning over as she spoke. And over and over. But now it has settled, and it had settled with staying. He took her hands and looked at her. "I'll stay." And then his arms were wrapped around her, and they were kissing. She pulled back.
"I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear those two syllables. But now, I've really got to go. I was serious about my shift not finished yet."
"And I thought it was the reverse psychology trick." She laughed. "Stay for a little while longer?"
"Okay, okay, I'll stay." She needed to say no more. Her mouth was met with his.
***
When the world knocks down our door
Or the sun is held for ransom
When lies are cheap and easy to fall for
I won't walk away or run from
The hard in between
I'll be strong and I'll stay
I won't call you a fool or make a desperate scene
I won't walk away
Stand by me and I will stand by you
- Say-So 'Stand By Me'
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[updated
mon.12.2002]
The Thanks:
Katie (thank you for being my first reviewer!); jcal4evr (thanks for being there all the way through); MissDoc (intriguing review. thank you); Zoben (thanks); Stargirl (unrealistic, I believe so. thanks.); Rob (lol. "Luka is a right git" mmm, funny. thanks); Athena356 (thanks); Elizabeth Kingston (thanks); Elizabeth (thanks); Ritaann (it was carby in the end. thank you); kate213 (thank you my dear luby. ^_^); meghan (thanks); Adrienne (thank you too, luby); Alicia (thank you for your opinion); mauratierneyfan (sorry for not making it a luby. but thanks); Kelly (again, I'm sorry for it not being a luby); Lubylover (wow, I really attract lubies... thanks); annabanana (thanks); nony (thank you muchly. I try not to make anyone the bad guy); celticchild (thanks); Abby (thank you); Julianne (yeah, I didn't work in the feelings of Luka really, because in the first place, I had pretty much imagined it to be carby, which was mean to the lubies. and I don't really like triangles. but thank you.); kitty (thank you. roadtrips so rule. I want to go on one!); Irene (thank you, again, despite being a luby); Abby4Carter (thank you. you like b's don't you? lubby, carbby...); Kristina (thanks); alex (you found me! and I love the big green thingers too! hey, if you see this, tell me where you went? I'm missing you down at fanforum); aly (thank you. I'm lucky no lubies have flamed me); "Anon" (aww, thank you, but I don't think it's the best carby ever. there are some spectacular writers out there); Cat (thank you. here is the last chapter.); Galatea (thanks for a lot. I re-wrote the ending, because I was inspired by you.); Em (thank you. I love gamma too! and malucci, though when I wrote this, this was a long time ago); caterholic (thank you so much. you were very nice); Jen (thanks for so much, Jen! you made me laugh my head off, and what would I have done without you lobbing potatoes at me?!); aljc0129 (thank you. you've help me through this fic without killing off anyone to finish it quicker!); Hanspam (last but not least, eh? thanks for your support. I know you were a luby but I converted you! *feels proud* my little carby Han...)
All the official people. People who created the characters so I could borrow them, who created the show etc. And to the people who sung the songs form where I used the lyrics from.
And, of course, anyone who took the time to read my story, but didn't review. I know you're out there... thank you.
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