The Universe - Chapter Seven

The Universe
Chapter Six - Shitsuren
(Unrequited or Lost Love)

The poem is about one who does not think themselves worthy of love. Love says that nothing could make the speaker UNworthy. Erhm . . . it DOES fit if you think about it.

Oh, and foggynite - yes, I go to a Catholic school. But the reason I love to use the phrase 'leave room for the holy spirit' is because I'm an atheist. ^_^ Ahh, the delicious irony . . .

*~*~*

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me go slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here":
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

*~* Love (III) *~*
~*~ George Herbert ~*~

*~*~*

It was midnight. Shin knew that this wasn't the time. Ryo was probably long since asleep by now, and even if he wasn't he wouldn't be in the mood to talk. But for this sort of matter Ryo would likely never be in the mood to talk, so now was as good a time as any.

The light was still on in Ryo's room, but that meant nothing. He could be deep asleep by now, and Shin wasn't sure that he had the heart to wake him.

Ryo had been lucky enough to be allocated the only single room among the five of them. Not that any of them minded sharing, but there was something to be said for occasionally having your own space to retreat to. Still, in Shin's opinion, Ryo had been taking advantage of that particular luxury entirely too much lately. Even with his feelings about Seiji and Touma - be they confusion, which was the initial assessment, or jealousy, which Shin had come to realize was the true motivation - he had to talk to someone.

Oh, and you think that someone will be you?

A lot of people have inner conversations. Shin had just been having a lot more as of late.

Of course, why not me? Everyone tells me everything. Who was the first person to know that Seiji and Touma were together?

Then why didn't you see THIS coming?


Shin didn't have an answer to that.

He could pinpoint the exact moment that he'd fallen in love with Ryo. It had been a little over a year ago, on a cool autumn night much like this one. Touma had coaxed them all out to star-watch, and Shin had taken them to the waterfall out back. It was a place where the water moved so fast that it never froze, no matter how cold the weather may get. Touma shared Shin's childlike wonder at the setting there - it was far enough from the lights of the house and the dull illumination of the city that, on a clear night, it seemed like you could see forever. The stars twinkled above you and the water sang below you . . . it was surreal. Touma had breathed, scarcely above a whisper, "So this is what heaven looks like."

It had been on that night, with Ryo sitting beside him, the fire warrior's face lit only with the ripples of starlight reflecting on the surface of the whispering water, that Shin had realized for the first time that something was missing from his life. And before another thought could cross he mind he realized that something was Ryo.

The thought shocked him a little at first. He tried to write it off as gratitude, admiration. Ryo was their leader, he had saved all of them in one way or another. What he felt was a juvenile, pubescent crush, not a true romantic desire. That he could accept without worry, even though in the back of his mind he knew all along that it was a lie.

He pushed open the door to Ryo's room cautiously. He fully planned to chicken out if Ryo was asleep, in fact he was hoping that he was. He let out a soft breath of air at the tangle of blankets on the bed inside. A ink spill of black hair poked out of the top, and the steady sound of breathing filled the room.

Safe. Or . . .

Ryo rolled over, fixing sapphire blue eyes on Shin. He blinked for a second, as if not recognizing him, and then sat up with a sigh.

"Come on in." He said, shaking his head with a laugh. Shin opened his mouth to explain himself, but Ryo cut him off. "You don't have to say anything. I'll tell you the whole story." He let out something akin to one of Byakuen's growls. "Why the hell not, seems everyone else knows . . ."

"I didn't come here to ask you about Touma." Shin said softly, standing awkwardly just inside the room. "I can guess what happened and I don't really need to know. I just . . ." He took a deep breath. He didn't know why he was here, really. He was so good at dolling out romantic advice to his friends, but place him in a similar situation and he floundered like anyone else. "Ryo I just wanted to know what you're going to do."

Okay, that hadn't been what he had planned to say, but it worked well. He made a mental note to congratulate himself later.

"Do?" Ryo asked in surprise. He swept his legs out over the side of his bed, putting his elbow on his knee and his chin in his hand in a classic thinker pose. "Honestly Shin, I would have expected a better question out of YOU of all people. I'll do what I CAN do . . . nothing." He scoffed. "And hope that Seiji doesn't beat the sh*t out of me."

Shin decided it was distinctly unlikely that Ryo had anything to worry about from the blonde, but he didn't say as much. He took a deep breath and finally asked something that he really wanted to know.

"What is it about Touma?"

Ryo looked up at the warrior of Suiko in surprise. This was obviously not the question he had been expecting. "Nani?!"

"I'm serious." Shin said. "I want to know. What is it about Touma that makes you feel this way about him?" And whatever it is, why don't I have it?

Ryo ran fingers through his uncooperative hair, obviously giving the question some deep thought. Finally he lot out a long breath and shook his head. "What is it? I don't know. I guess I've kind of always felt this way . . . " There was another short pause, and then something seemed to occur to Ryo. "You know when it started? The youjakai . . . was it really that long ago? Everyone was gone, and I was so scared. And angry. I would have gone and gotten myself killed if it weren't for Touma . . ." A sigh. "He's just always been there . . . he's stable like Seiji without ever seeming cold. He always puts things in perspective. He . . ." Ryo looked up to Shin. "I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Why does it matter? Touma's always been Touma."

And you've always been you . . .

The next admission came not from Ryo, but from Shin himself. It was harder than he could've imagined just to make his lips and tongue obey him. "Ryo, I . . . it's just . . ." he took a deep breath, trying to straighten out his muddled thoughts. "I just . . . I hoped . . ." He could do this. He COULD do this. "I hoped you might feel that way about me."

Ryo blinked up at him, uncomprehending. "Nani?"

Bravely Shin continued. "Would it be impossible for you to see me like that? As someone you could love?"

Ryo shifted uncomfortably. "Well I . . . I do love you, Shin. I love all the guys. But . . ."

It was definitely time for a retreat. "Forget it." Shin said, waving one hand as if trying to clear the question from the air. "Forget it, it's nothing. Forget I said anything. Good night, Ryo." He was gone before Ryo could reply.

Ryo stared for a long moment and then collapsed back onto his bed with a wretched sigh. "Well, just when I thought things were about as f*cked up as they could possibly be . . ."

He wouldn't be getting a lot of sleep that night.

*~*~*

Seiji and Touma returned home sometime later. No one was awake to note it.

Despite the late night, Seiji was still up at his usual 6:30 time, calmly drinking a cup of green tea at the table when Shin came to downstairs to make breakfast. Shin almost jumped out of his skin, not expecting to see the blonde so early.

"Morning." Seiji said politely.

"Morning." Shin replied in surprise. "So . . . I trust everything turned out right?" Seiji shrugged as he took another sip of tea, and Shin knew that was a yes. He was relieved for two reasons. One was purely selfless - he wanted Seiji and Touma to be happy, and they wouldn't be without each other. The other was purely selfish. If Seiji and Touma were still together, there was absolutely no danger of Ryo getting with Touma. Not that that was much of a concern in the first place, but still . . .

See? Even Shin could be selfish from time to time.

Seiji finished off his tea and stretched as he stood. "I'm going out in the woods to meditate." A pause. "If Ryo gets up before I'm back, tell him that I want to talk to him."

Shin scanned the sentence for malice and found none, though he couldn't be sure as Seiji was so good at masking his emotions. "All right. I'll tell him." He agreed, and Seiji nodded before slipping out the back door. Shin shook his head slightly and went about making breakfast.