Something Worth Keeping (5/6)
See Part One for Disclaimers and Such
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*
And this is why
my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
*
Thursday comes quicker than Kate would like it to. She taps a pencil against her desk and watches Sam through his open door.
He's cute. He looks really good.
He looks sexy when he's nervous.
She wishes she could help him. She wishes she could rewind the past week and start all over. No Lisa. No Ethan. Just her. Her and Sam.
But she can't rewind. What's happened has happened, and it's too late to change anything.
Someone clears their throat behind her and she spins around in her chair. There stands Lisa carrying her son on one hip. Sam's son. Their son.
"Hi," she greets Sam's assistant.
"Hey," Kate replies coldly. "You can go ahead in."
"Thanks." She walks over to his office and waves when he looks up. He looks surprised for a moment, but then beams when he sees Ethan. There may be a rift separating Lisa and Sam, but there's nothing keeping Ethan from his father now.
"Ethan, this is your daddy," Lisa introduces them. Then she looks at Sam. Maybe...maybe we can work something out and have joint custody."
Yeah, sure. Kate smirks to herself. Sam has a whole lot of free time on his hands.
Sam looks out into the bullpen and waves to Kate, motioning for her to come in and see the child.
She shakes her head and rushes out of the office. She can't. She just can't.
***
"Josh," I whine as I run into his office.
"What?"
"She's here again."
"Uh...okay."
"She brought the kid with her."
"Kid?"
"Yeah, she was pregnant, and that's why she left Sam, and now she's back, and she brought the kid to see him, and she wants him to share custody, and-"
"Whoa. Slow down. Sit."
I do, and look at Josh with tear-filled eyes. "This sucks!"
"Yeah?"
"What do I do? I mean, I was getting so close to Sam, and then she comes back, and now he's all worried about her, and about Ethan, and-"
"Ethan?"
"The kid."
"I see."
"God, what is wrong with me? I shouldn't have a problem with this, but I do..." I bring my head down on his desk and close my eyes.
"You're jealous."
"Yeah," I admit. "Positively green."
"Why, though?"
"Because I was getting so close to Sam! See, Josh...ever since and while ago, when I talked to Sam about me looking like Lisa and stuff, we've both come to grips with it and he was trying to get over her, but this throws a big wrench in it."
I ramble when I'm upset.
"What do you mean," he squints at me, " by 'getting close to Sam?'"
"We're, uh...you know...oh, I shouldn't have brought this up-"
"I know you're going out sometimes, but it's not like you're..."
"Uh, yeah, we are. Well, were."
"Ohhh," he leans back in his chair. "That complicates things."
"Yeah!" I cry and cover my head with my arms in a feeble attempt to hide from him. But he doesn't get upset like I expect him to.
"Well...what can I say? Congratulations."
"Thanks. I think," I say, lifting my head and cocking it to the side.
"Ya gotta cool down though, Kate. It'll pass. This is like...closure for Sam."
"Sure, if you say so. But what do you do until the wonder that is closure comes around?" I run my hand through my hair, trying to find the right words. "I mean, like...you were jealous when Donna was with that smarmy short Republican guy. How did you get past that?"
"I was jealous? I wasn't jealous," his eyes widen and his voice gets a little higher than it should.
"Well, yeah, it was a little obvious, Josh."
"I wasn't jealous!"
"Yes you were," I laugh. "Oh, just forget about it. I'm already feeling a little better. Thanks, Josh." I get up and walk out.
"Whatever. I was not jealous!" he calls after me, but I pretend I don't hear him.
***
"Is she gone?" I ask when I walk into Sam's office about an hour later. The setting sun is blocked by clouds floating over the city, but a few rays of light stream through the window, giving everything in their path a harsh glow.
"Yeah. We're going to set up something so that I can see him sometimes."
That means he'll see her sometimes, too. Yay.
"That's good."
"Oh, she said to tell you that she likes your hair like that."
"Of course she'd like it. She has the same hair," I remark in reference to our matching looks.
"You don't have to be so hard on her, Kate," he reprimands.
"Hard on her? Sam, if I were you, I'd be a lot harder on her! I mean, she leaves, shows up a couple of years later, and, oh, by the way, she had a baby! How can you even talk to her after all she's put you through?"
"I have to at least give her a chance to tell me what happened! And I can't reject my son. I have to give them a chance to come back into my life."
"Come back? You want her back? Sam! What are you thinking?"
We're totally yelling, and I don't think he cares who hears us. I surely don't.
"I'm thinking that I can't just turn my back on her. We were in love, you know."
"And you're not in love with anyone now, so that means you can fall back in love with her. Right?" I ask icily.
"I'm not in love."
"With her?"
"With anyone!"
That's exactly the answer I didn't want to hear.
"What about us, Sam? What about us?" I scream, and then run back to my desk. "I thought we were something worth keeping!" I grab my coat and my bag, and then I'm running out of the bullpen. Sam tries to follow, but I turn around and point a finger at him. "Don't you try to follow me! I'm leaving, Sam. Lisa can have you!"
And I do it. I leave.
***
He stumbles back into his office and collapses into his chair. He plunks his elbows on the desktop and covers his face with his hands. He chokes out a sob but holds the rest in. He can't break down now.
"I heard yelling...what's going on?"
Sam looks up to see his best friend leaning against the doorway. Josh, waiting for an answer, raises his eyebrows.
"I've lost her, Josh," Sam mutters. "I've lost her."
***
I speed home in my Civic through sobs. I take a long shower and try to forget what I've done, but I can't. I just quit my job. I just ran out on Sam. I'm as bad as Lisa. What am I going to do now?
As I come out of the bathroom, the answering machine picks up. I couldn't hear the phone ringing from the bathroom. "Hey, it's me. "Kate...it's Josh. Pick up, okay? Pick up. I just want to talk to you, all right? Sam's in a panic. What happened? Kate, pick up, please..." But I don't, and he finally gives up.
I can't eat, and I know I won't be able to sleep. So I drive back into Washington and start walking around aimlessly. As I pass the White House, a light snow starts to fall. "They didn't say anything on the news about snow..." I say to myself as I peer through the fence. I keep walking and end up at the Barnes and Noble on 12th Street. I wander around inside until I warm up and then get a cup of coffee at their cafe. "God, I'm such an idiot," I curse myself the whole time. "How could I be so cruel to Sam?"
As I leave, a man holds the door for me as I exit. He follows me through the door.
As we exit neither of us notice the car that has pulled up in front of the store. I hear a shot ring out, and then I'm on the ground. The man that held the door for me has pushed me down and as the car speeds away, he gets up, crying in a Southern drawl, "Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I'm so sorry...that shot was meant for me. It was meant for me, sweetie, not you." I don't really know what's happening. I can see blood on his shirt, and I wonder how he can be standing up and talking to me if he just got shot. It's the funniest thing.
Then I figure it out.
The blood isn't his.
It's mine.
Then everything goes black.
***
Sam sits at his desk in a near-empty West Wing, staring at a file and trying to make sense of it, but he has other things on his mind. He doesn't notice Toby as he walks in and sits down.
"Sam."
"Huh?" he picks his head up and gazes at Toby.
"Sam, I need to tell you something."
Sam tries to look awake by rearranging papers on his desk. "Yeah, shoot."
Toby winces at Sam's choice of words. Sam notices and frowns. "What is it?"
"There was a drive-by shooting on 12th about an hour ago," he tells him slowly.
"And...?"
"The victim was Kate Montgomery."
