SCENE TWO

(Dark stage, then lights go up to reveal Jimmy Blond's office containing a desk and two chairs. One chair is behind the table and facing away from the audience. There is a figure sitting in it. It is Jimmy Blond, Private Eye. The scene is frozen and there is silence for a few seconds. then Jimmy-whilst still facing away from the audience- speaks.)

JIMMY: This is a dirty city, filled with scum. There's hundreds of crimes being committed out there, by hundreds of criminals, and its my job to get rid of them. Babyface Harry, Shady Sam, Dirty Darrel, your next door neighbour could be one of them. Anyone could be a crook, except me, 'cause I'm the guy talking.(He turns in the chair to face the audience)The name's Blond. (Falters, and has to look at the nameplate on his desk to remember the rest of his name.)Jimmy Blond. Private Eye. Otherwise known as The Kidnap Kid, on account of I only take kidnapping cases - which means business is a bit slow when there are no kidnappings around. Right now is one of those times. I haven't had a case for months, seems every mob in London would rather rob a bank than kidnap some beautiful, wealthy, charming, innocent maiden for me to rescue.......

(Jimmy gets a dreamy look on his face, and stares off into the distance beyond the audience, as if lost in thought. Suddenly there is a loud crash, and Detective Cat Spark (Sparky) bursts in through the door of the office. Jimmy jumps back as if stung, and quickly tries to regain his composure in front of his companion, who is breathing hard.)

JIMMY: Hey there Sparky. What seems to be the trouble?

SPARKY: (Panting) Jimmy.......case.......police station.........just heard.........work!!

JIMMY: Whoa. Slow down there. Breathe. Take deep breaths. Now, what is it?

SPARKY: Jimmy, I was just down at the police station-

JIMMY: Oh not again Sparky! That's the fifth time this week! Remember what the Chief of police said he'd do to you if he caught you snooping around there again.

SPARKY: He said he'd use my innards as a skipping rope. But its alright, he didn't catch me. I was really careful about that.

JIMMY: I'm not surprised. That guy is built like a brick outhouse!

SPARKY: Jimmy! You're not listening to me!

JIMMY: Sorry Sparky.

SPARKY: Well, like I said, I was down at the police station minding my own business when I just happened to find this file -

JIMMY: And where was this file? Just lying around?

SPARKY: Yes......(she looks guilty) in the Police Chief's office. Anyway, the police received a tip off that down by the old pier tonight, Babyface Harry and his gang are making a pick up of some stolen goods. Jimmy, we could go down there and arrest them all! Think about it!

JIMMY: Hmmm.

SPARKY: Well, what do you say?

JIMMY: Are there any kidnappings involved?

SPARKY: No.

JIMMY: Any beautiful young women who may need snatching from the jaws of death in the nick of time by some dashing, handsome Private Detective?

SPARKY: Not that I know of.

JIMMY: Not even the tiniest little kidnapping? (Sparky shakes her head) No then.

SPARKY: Jimmy, you've got to stop with this whole kidnap thing! There just aren't enough kidnappings in London for us to make a living out of. Look at me, I'm wasting away. The last meal I ate was a picture of a fish from a cookbook.

JIMMY: Was it good?

SPARKY: Needed salt.

JIMMY: Sparky, I can't stop with the kidnappings. I'm just no good at anything else!

SPARKY: You're no good at this either! Remember what happened last time you got a case? That sweet red-headed girl Shirley-

JIMMY: Hey! She was fine after I rescued her!

SPARKY: I think her psychiatrist would disagree with you! Then there was that brunette last July -

JIMMY: You mean Tanya?

SPARKY: I think you'll find her name is Sister Mary Clarence now.
The truth is, Jimmy, you're just lazy! You never come down the station or onto the street with me to look for cases! Out there (She gestures outside) that's where the crimes are. You can't just expect work to fall into your lap, because real life doesn't work that way!

(At that precise moment, the phone on Jimmy's desk rings. Both the Detective and his assistant jump at the noise, and then dive for the phone. After grappling for the receiver, Sparky grabs hold of it and puts it to her ear, but not before sticking out her tongue at Jimmy first)

SPARKY: Hello, Jimmy Blond Investigations, how may I help you?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Is that Jimmy?

SPARKY: No, this is his assistant, Cat Spark.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: What!? Get off the phone, I wanna talk to Jimmy!

( Sparky stares into the receiver in disgust at the person on the other end. She holds out the phone to Jimmy - who is leaning eagerly on the table trying to hear what is being said - as if it is something that offends her.)

SPARKY: It's for you.

( He grabs the phone and presses it to his ear.)

JIMMY: Hello?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hello Jimmy.

JIMMY: Who is this?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I've got a case for you, Jimmy.

JIMMY: A case?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Uh-huh. Young Lady Hoover has been kidnapped.

JIMMY: Kidnapped!! Well that's right up my street.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I know. That's why I called you.

JIMMY: Who kidnapped her?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: A new American gang, called the Monkeys.

JIMMY: The Monkeys?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Yeah. You know, like the Bulldogs, or the lions. Well these are the monkeys. They started moving in on London a couple of months back, and now their ready to go hot-shot with this ransom!

JIMMY: And you want me to stop them.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Got it in one. You always were pretty smart.

JIMMY: Wait a minute, who are you? (the receiver clicks and then the dial tone starts to hum. Whoever was on the line is gone.) Hello? Hello? They've gone. (He replaces the receiver and looks at Sparky. There is silence between them for a few seconds, then Jimmy breaks it when he speaks smugly;) You were saying, Sparky?

(Freeze, and fade to blackout.)