Hello! This is my first LotR fanfic that I've posted (I've written tons, but they're all really bad, trust me ^_^) and I just found it humorous.  Now normally, I have a policy about writing fanfic about series like Lord of the Rings, but hey, I'll give it my best shot.  I've seen the movie, and read all of the books (all of them, including what little I understood from " The simarillion" and " The book of lost tales") so here we go!

Lord of the Rings and all of the other titles, rights, names, and privileges are copyrighted to a bunch of extremely rich lucky people who deserve every penny that they make because the movie and the books were just so gosh darn cool! You rock peoples!  So it's a little late, but sue me later okay? 

And now, let us look at what the lord of the rings characters are put through during the time of Christmas shopping.  Behold the power, and remember to fear the almighty…

-------------------------

LORD OF THE MALL

Book one: Fellowship of The parking lot.

" And dare we, the fellowship of nine brave the untold terrors of…" Aragorn stopped Legolas, just as his burger king drink nearly toppled from a being standing up in a moving vehicle

Frodo turned back to his compatriots from his seat in the mini-van they had rented for the occasion, " Think we could keep it down sires? The mall parking lot is just ahead and I want to get a good space!" Frodo sighed and turned his mind back to the road as the company began to argue again.  It had been a bad idea, he decided, to suggest that all members of the fellowship go and do their Christmas shopping together.  Especially since humans of this world were extremely excited to learn that they, the famous members of J.R.R. Tolkien's works, would be visiting.

" Frodo!" Frodo turned to see Sam trying to push his way up to the front through the crowded back seats, " Frodo, are you sure about this? I mean, I made a promise to Gandalf- "

" That you weren't going to let me get lost in the middle of the mall, please!" Frodo turned into the last exit, the large grouped buildings coming into view.  The parking lot was full, and filled with Christmas shoppers and people dragging shopping bags and large groups of children around, " It's not like we're traveling to Moria Sam, and I think we can handle a few-"

They were interrupted by a loud squeal as another large mini-van piled high with gifts, children, and several adults rolled in front of them.

            " They dared to cut us off!" Gimli rose out of the seat, his deep voice echoing off the cavernous ceiling, " They shall learn to fear the wrath of the dwarves! Especially after-" Gimli said no more as Frodo waved them on and Aragorn stopped Gimli from pulling out his axe kept safely in the back seat.

            " This is indeed proving to be perilous," Aragorn murmured in the passenger seat beside Frodo, " Are you sure of this? The people here are fierce and wild.  I feel as though we are walking into peril."

Aragorn's fears were confirmed as a thin white sports car dove past them.  The driver yelled something obscene as Mary and Pippin who had been hiding in the far back poked their heads out.

            " Who on earth was that?" Boromir cried, as Frodo began to circle.  Pippin in his seat next to Boromir pulled his head in with a confused expression on his face.

            " I think," he said slowly and calmly, much to the companies' amazement, " That it was Eowyn and Arwen, and probably Radagast as well."  There was a collective silence, while Aragorn mused, Legolas pondered, Gimli grumbled, and each considered as Frodo banged his head against the wheel. 

------------

Arwen turned back, " Who do you think that was?" she asked calmly, as Eowyn and Radagast stared at her openmouthed.  It wasn't the fact that she had been brave in defending their right to get to a parking space in this confusion; it was simply that she had been so totally obscene…

            " I think that was the boys," Eowyn muttered, thinking about Aragorn, " Eomer refused to go shopping for something for me just yet.  If he waits until just before Christmas he'll be hearing from the warrior maiden from Rohan-"

            " I said the same for Aragorn, much as I love the guy." Arwen muttered, " I've got something in mind for him that I know he'll like, but if he skimps on me the first year we can actually get to a decent mall…"

Both women let the threats hang in the air as Radagast attempted to make himself unnoticeable in Arwen's snow-white interior.

            " So, Radagast…" Eowyn let Arwen search for a parking space as she turned to talk to the very noticeable brown wizard, " Whom are you shopping for? How come you didn't go with Gandalf?"

            " I dunno." Radagast sat up and blinked his green eyes, " I think I might get something for Gwahir, and maybe for the little Raccoons that live near my house…"

            " Well." Arwen said, joining in, " I know this mall has a pet store, with a pretty decent selection.  You might be able to find something there…" because Arwen was an elf, and elves could do no wrong, she had managed to procure a wonderful parking space close to the entrance, and beneath the shade of a lovely elm near the movie theater.  Frodo's green van pashed as Arwen smirked at the fellowship, still in search for the perpetually lost parking space.

            " Sometimes," Arwen said with all of the queenly dignity that she, a three-hundred-year-old elf, could muster, "I love being me." Eowyn giggled, and Radagast sighed as the three of them headed toward the entrance amidst the crowds of the holiday season.

----------------------------

            " Well, trust an elf to find a parking space first, and in the nicest of places." Frodo said quietly to himself.  Aragorn was brooding, deep in thought as his eyes followed Arwen's party in.  The crowd was getting thicker, and the parking lot out to the farthest reaches was slowly filling.

            " If this goes on much longer," Pippin muttered, " I'll become a wraith!" Aragorn didn't even bother to correct him as a black mini-van driven by a hooded figure appeared at the entrance to the parking lot.  Frodo paused, and the entire company made ready to battle as the van came closer.  Without even realizing it, Frodo slowly began to lower the window-

            " No!" Aragorn cried, " Don't let them-" he was too late however, as the second window of the black van rolled down.  Frodo looked into the eyes of the pale king and his followers and fellow kings, living in the shadow world…

            " Ring-bearer, you will give us…you will give us…" the voice was dark, terrible and sinister.  Frodo seemed to be drawn towards them as Aragorn began to unsheathe his sword…

            " Knock it off will ya bob?" the second ring wraith spoke.  Much to the surprise of the fellowship he had a slightly New York accent, " It's going to be bad as it is, and I don't want to spend an eternity here waiting for a parking space!" the second wraith turned to Frodo, " Look, it's the holidays, we don't want trouble, you don't want trouble…"

            " Then what are you chasing us for?" Legolas was the calmest of the passengers of the car, for he existed on the blessed plain, as well as earth, " What do you want? "

            " Parking space! We just got here and the lot is full!"

If the company had been anime characters, they would have sweat dropped, instead the hobbits began to shake with silent laughter and Frodo and Aragorn explained the situation.

            " Aw, well.  We'll keep looking." The second wraith would have smiled if he had a mouth, " Happy Holidays fellowship.  We'll keep up this little fight we're having after the mall trip, cool?"

            Frodo dumbly nodded as the green van drove off in one direction, the black one in another.  Bob the wraith turned to the pale king, who was shaking his head.

            " What? You mad that we didn't kill them, or demand the halfling's ring?"

The pale king shook his head.

            " No, I'm just wondering where in middle earth a hobbit of all creatures got a drivers license!" Bob laughed quietly as their van with the license plate reading " Naz-gul" drove off toward the boonies.

----------------------

Meanwhile, the wise were having the worst luck of all.

            " THERE!" Gandalf said, tearing off the piece of paper with his insurance information on it and handing it to the black haired teenager, " And once again, may I apologize for the inconvience of having my…" Gandalf glanced back to where Bilbo and Eomer where trying to make themselves small in the back.

            " Not a problem man." The teen climbed back into his truck while his girl friend was staring pointedly at Eomer, " Get the little dude some driving school though okay?" the teen gunned the engine as loud music roared from the windows.

            " That was close." Eomer murmured as Gandalf got back into the drivers seat, " Boy, its sure a good thing that kids here are so forgiving-"

            " Not quite forgiving." Bilbo muttered, " You should have heard what he yelled at me, I mean really the things that kids these days will say-"

            " This is a different world," Gandalf said as he pulled into a space in front of a department store.  His silver Toyota had two very sharp visible dents in it, " and a different time.  And for your share of the damages Bilbo, I think that we shall have to work something out with some of your left over gold from Smaug's hoard yes?"

Bilbo groaned and wondered how his heir was doing.

----------------------------

Frodo was in luck.

             He believed with absolute and total certainty that what was before him was a parking space.  The fellowship were cheering him on, he was in the zone, he was going for it-

            He parked with the success of a veteran driver.  Aragorn and Boromir clapped him on the back, while Legolas and Gimli hugged, then pulled apart remembering who they were.

            " Well done master Frodo!" Sam was jumping up and down along with Merry and Pippin as the company began to unload their things, " The ordeal is over! The nightmare is over! We are at last in the promised zone."

            " Do you think I'll need this?" Legolas was holding up his bow while Aragorn was firmly strapping Andruil onto his belt.

            " With these holiday crowds?" Gimli clipped his axe behind his back, " Dwarves always go prepared, especially into places like these."  He shuddered as his eyes fell on the sign saying " Westernesse Mall" with a big glowing smiling sun, not at all threatening, appeared.

            " I've heard that this place is three times larger then Moria, and ten times as dangerous!" Pippin said, as he grabbed his wallet, " Best be careful Frodo, who knows what other perils might lay beyond those doors?" the doors were covered with snow and sales stickers, along with pictures of models and cute little snowmen.

            " We shall be the fellowship of the mall, for this time." Aragorn said, his face going all kingly and leader-like, " and we shall brave the perils of this place for this time." They all looked towards the doors and realized their adventure was only beginning…

The Lord of the Mall, the fellowship of the parking lot begins the saga of the Lord of the Rings characters Christmas shopping.  The tale is continued in the second two chapters: The Two floors, and the return of the sales clerk. 

            LotR is owned and copyrighted several different people, no offense was meant to them or to the characters, please read and review so I know if I should continue it or not! Thanks!