Okay! So here I continue the saga of " The Lord of the Mall" with " The two floors." Now this one will be longer, since it will have more in it, and continuing the three threads that I started in book one of " Lord of the mall."
Now, I actually found out that lord of the rings is copyrighted to! Go Tolkien's Enterprises! You guys rock and you own all the characters from lord of the rings! But the other characters from different animes are copyrighted said animes. This is sort of a mall of worlds, an odd nexus where different characters meet to do their shopping! Don't be surprised if you see someone that you recognize!
And now, let us continue, but let's take a look at where our favorite characters are in this wild world…
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The fellowship: Frodo and his hobbit buddies, along with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli the dwarf have just entered the mall.
Arwen and Co: Arwen the elf and Eowyn the warrior maid of Rohan, along with Radagast the brown, have already entered the mall and have spent the most time there.
The wise: The wise, made of Eomer, Gandalf, and Bilbo have just sorted out a car accident caused by Bilbo. They are just now going into the mall.
The black riders: still out in the boonies looking for a parking space. (As far as we know…)
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And now dear readers, bow to the power of…
THE LORD OF THE MALL
Book two: The two floors.
Arwen never thought she would have to apologize for a member of the select cast of the wise, never in all her years…
And yet…here she was.
" Once again officer…" the woman had large blue eyes and the crisp, extremely starched outfit of an anime police officer turned mall cop, " Officer Jenny, I am so extremely sorry that my dear friend Radagast had to go and free all the animals in the pet store-"
As the pen of the police officer scratched on the pad, she could still here Radagast chanting amidst the screaming as the rats began to escape out into the wide mall…
" You know," Eowyn said laughing, as Radagast was pulled away by two women who looked exactly like the one that was writing them up, " It was almost sort of poetic…" Eowyn had been trying to stifle her laughter as Arwen had to calm down several men and women near the scene, especially when the poisonous snakes got loose….
" In what way?" Arwen took the ticket and stuffed it into a pouch; she had dressed sensibly, wearing an elevish green outfit. She looked, she realized, like her brothers.
" Oh, I dunno, I mean just seeing Radagast, a member of the wise covered with parakeet droppings-" she stopped short when she saw who was making their way towards them.
" What's the-" Arwen turned and began to laugh. Officer Jenny made no motion to look behind her as she walked rather stiffly away to chat with a small yellow creature that had brown stripes all over its back.
The entire fellowship, Legolas included was making its way into the mall with each weapon drawn. Arwen smiled, staring at her love and how brave he looked…
Although he was completely out of his element
" I think we should get out of sight." Radagast (through the miracle of poetic license) had rid himself of the parakeet droppings, " You ladies did say that you wanted this to be a secret trip…"
Arwen felt herself nod, ducking into the nearest store. Eowyn followed, doing a trademark warrior of Rohan dive and roll. Radagast, avoiding all flashy gibes, simply walked in. Arwen had not looked up, but she noticed, to her terror that he was beat red.
" Oh HO HO HO HO HO!" a very large breasted woman laughed, " Welcome to victory secret weary travelers! How may I help you?" she had long purple hair, and modesty and the mall dress code prevented Mistress Naga the serpent from dressing in her usual fashion.
It took both Arwen and Eowyn a moment to realize that the walls were covered with underwear and lingerie, pictures of women wearing said undergarments, and women trying out said undergarments.
Radagast had gone from brown to red.
" Uh, gosh…" Eowyn searched for something to say, " You certainly have a lot of…underwear…here…yeah."
" Thank you! We at Victoria secret PRIDE ourselves on our selection." The woman known as Mistress Naga bowed very low.
Radagast fell over.
Arwen sighed and went to assist the poor man. It was going to be a very long day. She looked out waiting for the company to pass. The last thing she wanted Aragorn to see was she in a place like THIS.
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" Where are we?"
" I have no idea"
" Oh."
The fellowship of the Ring, the people who had braved the mighty dangers of Moria as well as the Riders of evil itself stood before their greatest challenge…
" Look!" Pippin cried, " It says…" he pointed to the very large map, " You are here."
Legolas groaned. Several women were looking at him and he felt UN at ease out in the open, " I thought hobbits were the best with maps in all of middle earth!" his bow was still taught in his hand as Aragorn spoke up.
" I think it is best," he said slowly, " That we have a plan of action. This place looks to be large and dangerous…and even I am out of my league here-"
" No," Legolas muttered, even the elf was getting mad, " No, the great king of the west is out of his element?" his voice took on a sarcastic tone, " Oh whatever shall we do, oh, I'm so scared- " he didn't necessarily mean to be sarcastic, however when in true peril…
By way of response Aragorn drew his sword, and Legolas his bow.
" Look!" a small black haired boy cried, " Play actors!" a large crowd of both human and animal gathered around them as Aragorn turned a bright shade of red. Legolas nodded silently and put away his bow.
" Aww! I thought they were going to put on a show for the new Lord of the Rings movie!" the crowd dispersed, and Legolas looked toward the great king.
" So,"
" So…"
" Sorry?"
" Yeah."
And the two clasped each other around the shoulders like brothers.
" And they say that we mortal men never talk." Boromir muttered, suddenly, his eyes were drawn away from the two friends to the map, and the hobbits standing under it. He read the store list in his mind, trying to figure out what to get for the girl he secretly liked. The list was as follows:
FIRST FLOOR:
The wired: Café and computer warehouse
Rider outfitters
Rings and things
Shampoo's bed and bath and beyond the sacred spring
The dragon's lair
Alien technologies
Babbling bookstore
Magic n' owls
SECOND FLOOR:
Fruitcake factory
The equestrian outlet
Before accessories
Sweets and dentist supplies
BAR (Big Ass Robots) Factory outlet
Warehouse rejects
So you live beneath the earth
Discover the core
Victoria Secret
THIRD FLOOR:
Sauron's darkness and gothic emporium
Wizards of the order
Big knives, big guns
Plant paradise
Pokemon retailers
The golden tree
Card captor Cuteness!
FOURTH FLOOR:
Store offices
Food court.
" Damn." Boromir muttered, " I think the company shall have to divide." The miracle of this statement was that he was the one who said it. Frodo turned to look at the big man.
" Is this because you're about to steal the ring? Am I going to have to get all the way back in the car and go to-"?
" Give it a rest will you Frodo?" Mary muttered, Pippin was already writing down stores on a piece of paper, " This isn't middle earth, and there are queer folk about-"
Aragorn looked at Mary.
" Oops," Mary said nervously, " That's you're line isn't it…"
" Alright." Aragorn murmured, " Legolas, Gimli, and I will tackle the second floor. Frodo, you and Sam tackle the third-"
" But, surely Mr. Aragorn, we…we can't! Its…its too far off the ground!" Sam had spoken, and once again, if everyone in the fellowship had been an anime character, they would have sweat dropped.
" If you, Samwise Gamgee, are brave enough to climb into a Mini-van-" Legolas cut off the heir of Gondor with a touch of his hand and pointed.
All eyes were drawn toward a small stand in the center of the mall; it was plainly colored enough, with a great big sign that said CELL PHONES.
" HIWOULDYOULIKETOBUYACELLPHONE? AREYOU18OROVER, ICOULDGETYOUANICE-"
" Run!" Legolas yelled as the company broke apart, scattering in all directions. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas dove for an up escalator, while Boromir went for the stairs. Frodo and Sam went one way, looking for another set of stairs, and Merry and pippin went off down on the first floor.
The fellowship of the parking lot had officially broken.
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" How much?"
Gandalf, twice the bargainer that he was Wizard, held up an emerald green cloak that he had found in Magic n' owls. It was perfect for Frodo, and he had no doubt that it would have other properties.
" 15 galleons and two sickles please." The sales clerk was a young black haired boy with an odd scar on his forehead and a snowy owl on his shoulder, " And may I say sir, Professor Dumbledore is looking forward to your next visit to Hogwarts-"
" That he may be young Harry." Gandalf pulled some all purpose currency from his pouch, " We wizards have to stick together against-"
A large explosion interrupted them as the two other proprietors, Ron and Hermione went running.
Eomer and Bilbo stood in the center of the jokes aisle, the hobbit had burst into yellow feather and looked like he had turned into a large, very plump canary. Eomer was covered in scorch marks from the Filibuster fireworks.
" No trying the merchandise!" Harry yelled, as Ron and Hermione raised their wands threateningly, Ron's promptly exploded, but Hermione was still looking at them with a steely glare.
" PERCIFICUS TOTALUS!"
A moment later, Gandalf, twice the friend-who-always-pulls-the-needy-out-of-scrapes that he was Wizard, was carrying Bilbo the canary out of the store under his arm.
" Well-" Eomer coughed, " That was fun."
" Hobbits really are amazing." Gandalf muttered, not at all friendly, " We shall have a talk when we get home Bilbo." Gandalf murmured, " In the meantime…" his voice trailed off as he spotted Rider outfitters, " I think its time we shopped a little for our dear friend Aragorn and perhaps Mr. Eomer-" his voice carried an edge, " For you sister too?" Eomer nodded slightly as the two of them headed in.
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" Where are we?"
" I don't know."
" This place is worse then Moria."
" Hey! You can't say that-"
" Quiet" Legolas murmured to his companions, " I know where we are." He continued quietly walking along the tile, his ears perked, eyes at the ready as though he were hunted.
" How?" Aragorn, despite his own skills, was always in awe of how elves did it, " How on earth do you know?" his eyes were wary and alert. Andruil was drawn at the ready. Gimli looked a little miffed.
Legolas simply pointed to the sign that read, " Second floor."
There was a moment of silence.
" HEY!" Gimli's miffed look lifted, " Beneath the earth! They wanted to put one of those down in Dain's kingdom!" and like a child with a candy or comic store in sight he ran off, and returned, but a second later, with several large bulky bags under his arms.
" I hope you didn't shop for ME in there." Legolas muttered, as his eyes drew past the stores. Gimli's miffed look returned.
" You won't find out till Christmas now will you?" but he was interrupted by yet another dwarf store, into which he immediately ran.
" Dwarves and elves," Aragorn muttered, leaning up against the rail, " Will be the death of me!"
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Merry and Pippin had wandered into Rings and things.
And the walls were COVERED with replicas of the one ring.
" This," Merry said, " Is a little odd." He had been fingering the " One Ring books on Care of the one ring." Written by Sauron the great.
" ODD?" Pippin had spilled three bottles of " The one ring hair jelly, " Its just plain freaky! The only thing worse would be if it was run by-"
My preciousssssss…
Merry and Pippin, after years of being terrified in the same room, have learned to " glup" at the same time, a useful talent that paid off just then.
" Hello, my precious!" the thing that each fan of lord of the rings despises, the creature brings no end of trouble, appeared dressed in a dapper outfit with a big smile, " What can we do for the nasty little hobbits today!" although his words were mean and spiteful, his tone was pleasant, and down right had a holiday ring to it.
" Gollum! What are you doing here? I thought you'd still be back at home-" Merry was cut off by the creatures words
" What do you think I do that makes me so weird the other three-hundred and sixty four days of the year?" Gollum said cheerfully, " I work in retail!"
" That explains a lot," Pippin said smirking, as he and Merry put their purchases on the counter. They finished just as a large bunch of Lord of the rings fans walked in.
" Goodbye my precious! Gollum must get back to work!" and with that the two hobbits went back out into the mall.
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Arwen, Eowyn, and Radagast had finally escaped the clutches of the evil Victoria secret.
Radagast: * reads what author has written* Aw, I wouldn't say it was necessarily evil in fact, I think it was a lot of fun.
- Radagast is royally bopped by both Arwen and Eowyn as they head up to the third floor-
Eowyn was getting tired just as she noticed a rather large store blaring out dark music. Shirts with odd little sayings hung in the windows, and the store was crowded with teenagers.
" Ooh." She said excitedly, " What's that?"
Arwen read the sign, " Sauron's dark gothic emporium." She shrugged. Happy times like the holidays negated the wars between eternal good and evil, so she could have a little fun…
Radagast and Eowyn were already inside.
She walked in and was greeted by an orc wearing a purple wig and a tag with several pins saying things on it.
" Welcome to store, how may Uggbak assist pretty elf?"
Arwen blushed, and blushed even deeper when she saw the selection of people. She was especially surprised to see Sauroman running the register.
" Good day Lady Evenstar." Sauroman said, he finished ringing up the customer, a black haired boy with enough piercing in his ear to be called an orc, "I'm surprised to find you here, but then again-"
" What are you doing here Sauroman?" she asked, fingering a small pig that she had found on the register. She let out a gasp and a sigh of disgust when she saw that it was one of those pooping pigs.
" The eye commanded." He removed a cloth that covered something far behind the counter, the stone of seeing (Author's note: I FORGET WHAT THEY'RE CALLED OKAY!) and saw that the eye was firmly emblazoned on it, " It said, " Open a store worthy of attracting people and making money for Mordor!"
Arwen wanted to be petty and say, " Do you always do what the eye tells you to do?" but she decided against it in favor of purchasing the pig she had been figuring, as well as a couple of CD's.
They exited the store with their wallets considerably lighter and their bags and purchases slinging from their arms.
" Want to go get something to eat?" Arwen asked, Eowyn nodded and Radagast, who was carrying about nine percent of the company's purchases nodded as well. Just as they were about to take the escalator up however, Sam ran up. His pudgy face was red, and his lungs gasped for air.
" LADY ARW…WEN…" Sam gasped, " We've got some problems."
Here the story breaks, and continues into " The return of the sales clerk." The third and final chapter of the saga " The Lord of the rings characters go Christmas shopping."
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Author's notes:
Wow! * Blushes* gosh folks, thanks for the prompt response!
I think the biggest question that I had was how come Legolas or Aragorn wasn't taking the fellowship to the mall? And the answer was-
-Suddenly Legolas appears just as the LotR fan girls begin to drool-
Legolas: yeah, how come I can't drive? I mean, I'm an Elf! We can do anything FAR better then mortals…
Author: * sweatdrops* uh, well…you do have your drivers license, right?
Legolas: * blank stare* huh?
- Author holds up copy of Aragorn's drivers license. Aragorn walks up-
Aragorn: * grabs license* GIMME THAT!
-Stalks off-
Legolas: * dawning moment* oh! * Runs off stage and returns with said drivers license. *
Author: okay, ask Frodo if you can drive on the way back then. I figure that at least all of the super main characters in the fellowship have driver's licenses-
( This note is not meant to offend any supreme followers of Legolas or of Aragorn. They are in the author's opinion two of the best characters, as well as two of the cutest)
Now, lets she how you like this chapter!
