Let's get part three rolling shall we? I'm glad you guys have enjoyed the fanfic all this time.  It really means a lot to me that people enjoy my particular brand of humor.  It's been great.

Lord of the Rings characters, rights, titles and privileges are copyrighted to several extremely rich people with the soul goal of bringing to life a really good book (and to make lots of cash, but I wouldn't know ^_^) YOU PEOPLE RULE!  Oh, and be warned, there is a little bit of self-insertation, but not that much.  Also, " Tickle me Fuzzy furbies" do not exist.  The furbies name is copyrighted to whoever owns furbies.  But, knowing the way our wonderful society works, there probably will soon be tickle me fuzzy furbies.

Also, the views behind the " Mall wraiths" are not the views expressed by the author.  They are the views most likely expressed by every single person who had ever been met by one of those people who attempt to sell you a phone and won't leave you alone.  * Note to anyone who works for a cell company* its nothing against you guys, but COME ON! IT'S GETTING SO THAT YOU CAN'TKEEP EYE CONTACT TO THE CENTER OF THE MALL ANYMORE! * Its not just cell phones, they are just the most frequent*

THE NAMES OF THE BLACK RIDERS AREN'T THEIR TRUE NAMES! THEY JUST NEEDED NAMES FOR PERSONALITY SAKE!

            All anime characters used in this story are copyrighted another bunch of people who's soul purpose is to probably make money, but they do great work too.  You people rule!

And now, without further ado…

THE LORD OF THE MALL

" The return of the sales clerk"

---------------------------------

(Voiceover by a woman)

A time of darkness has come over the land.  The people of our world, engaged in saving it have entered a savage and wild land in which many wish to hurt them.  It is a time of happiness and joy in this said land, although I find it very hard to believe that it is happy especially since they celebrate this happiness with killing each other and attempting to attain their idols.

Beings covered in Red fur that laugh and say humorous things for their children.

Minstrels in boxes that sing loud songs for their sons and daughters, long is the time of sword and loom for men and women in this time.

But now, my only wish is that those who have left escape…

            For the time is coming when the holidays draw nearer, and the bloodthirst for the minstrels and the beings covered in red fur that laugh when you tickle them grows even more…

I hope they are safe.

* Cell phone noise*

            " What, can't you see-" (the voice over is interrupted as there is loud music blaring through the phone) " Oh good! Aragorn, it's great to hear your voice, I mean really-" (the voice over is again interrupted while page fills with stage ninja's who are staring off at the imaginary voice.

" WHAT? WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN THEY WERE SOLD OUT! YOU SAID THAT YOU'D-" (the yelling is drowned out as there's more music coming in through the phone.

" Alright, BUT GET ME SOMETHING JUST AS GOOD."

Stage ninja one: *mad* UH, ma'am? Shouldn't you maybe start the fanfic now?

Stage ninja two: * nods* yeah I mean-

- Both are interrupted by the voice-

Voice: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS HAS NO POINT TO THE ACTUAL STORY?

Stage ninja one: Fraid so, Author's killing time.  It's a good joke, gone badly.

- There is a silence-

Voice: All right, all right.  Where's the author?

- There is an even greater silence as the stage ninja's tromp offstage to search for said author-

Voice: uh, can we cut to a mall shot? I think the fans want to know what happened to all the LotR characters.

Stage ninja one from offstage: What fans?

- There is the sound of Crickets-

Voice: oh forget it! Lets find the author and start the fic already!

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Aragorn hated pink.

            For some odd reason, he loathed it (even though it was one of Arwen's favorite colors) and being surrounded by pink, as well as small pink things, bothered him.

He didn't want to know why Legolas, his longtime companion in their stories, had wandered into here.

            " Tell me again…" he said slowly, as Legolas went wading into a pile of small pink kittens, " Why are we, manly people, in a store called-" he was interrupted by the theme song of the show the store was based on, " Card Captor…Cuteness?"

Legolas waded into a pile of stuffed blue dogs and said nothing.

            " This place stinks of Elf!" Gimli, the sour dwarf muttered," Look at these things!" he fingered a small baby that gave a sour whine when he squeezed its belly, " This is the most disgusting-"

" Can I assist you in any way?"

All three heads looked up.

            A tall woman with red hair wearing a strange outfit and a black cat with butterfly wings appeared at the back of the store.  Contrary to the atmosphere of pink carnations and small reproductions of fuzzy things, she was dark, gothic, and really, really sexy.

Damn.

            Must remember, honor of Gondor, think about Arwen, think about Arwen, and think about-

Legolas laughed, " You look like Mr. Potato head."

Aragorn turned, still not forgetting the earlier slight the elf had done to him, " What?"

            Legolas laughed again, " In that stupid movie, Toy Story two? Where the potato is sitting next to Barbie and he's saying, " I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud, over and over-" Legolas began to laugh harder, as Aragorn tried very hard to control his temper.

            " Two things Legolas, son of Thranduil." Aragorn removed Andruil and sliced through a couple of fuzzy toys, " one: It takes a very secure man to admit that he's seen that movie, and that if that situation were true, he'd be playing a pig.  Two: I AM NOT A POTATO!" Andruil, sensing its master's anger, sliced through another couple of fuzzy toys, on its own.

            The woman behind the counter smiled at Legolas, " I like a secure man." She came towards him and attempted to draw him towards her.   He paused however, his Elvin face serious.

            " Sorry, but I'd hate to disappoint my fans." Legolas grinned at the thousands of imaginary fans out there, " And I'm going to have to take a rain check since I've seen the series, and I know what you are Miss Ruby moon." Ruby moon looked shocked for a moment, but said nothing save for a small pout.

The big black cat began to laugh silently just as Aragorn looked around trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

            " It's a weird-magical-being-slash-incredible-omnipotent-people thing." Legolas said as he paid for his purchases, Gimli was rolling around on the ground outside.  Legolas smiled at the dwarf, and smirked back at the true king of Gondor.

            "So, man to man…" Aragorn trailed off as Gimli began to walk ahead of them, " Why did you go into a store like Card captor cuteness?"

Legolas smiled as Gimli dove into another store.

            " To shop for our friend Gimli of course. " Legolas dug into the pink bag and removed a UFO catcher doll of the creature known as " kero" on the show, " What else?"

Aragorn grimaced and said nothing.  Andruil began to hum at his side. 

Just as they were turning the corner however they were drawn by something that none of them expected.

" Gack!" Gimli drew his axe, Legolas drew his bow, and Aragorn thrust out Andruil.

" That is possibly the weirdest thing I have ever seen."

---------------------------------

" Lady Arwen! We have problems."

            Arwen sighed; Sam Gamgee was out of breath, rolling on the floor, " Despite the fact that you're about to have a heart attack?"

Sam Gamgee continued to wheeze.

            " A shadow has been growing on my mind lately." Radagast said quietly, just as a passing plane flew overhead, shrouding the man in darkness, " It screams of…something is lost.  Something is lost and no one has been able to find it!"

Arwen, Eowyn, and Radagast himself pondered this for a few moments.

            " It's Merry…and…*gasp* Pippin." The bundle of clothing on the floor that was Sam Gamgee moved slightly, " Master Frodo's gone missing, but…it's a crowd, a horrible evil army…"

No more words were needed as the three people who were standing ran off towards the direction that the bundle of clothes pointed.

            Down the flights of stairs, past streaming mall shoppers, past Aragorn and Legolas-

" Aragorn!"

The two lovers caught each other. 

            Rose petals scattered in the background as they were held in an eternal embrace of joy and ecstasy, music that rang of forests and foretold promises echoed in their ears-

There was a crash and a scream as Aragorn and Arwen looked up.

            " We got rid of the nuts that were throwing flower petals." Eowyn pointed to Radagast who had two girls, one with blue hair and red eyes, and the other with red hair and blue eyes, in his grasp.  He was chanting over them while the red head looked scared.

The blue haired one looked bored.

            " And I got the nut who was playing music." There was a boy who had a cello clutched in his hands weeping because of the five-foot sword stuck in it.  His black hair hung over his blue eyes and his white shirt was stained with tears.

Aragorn and Arwen lost the moment.

            " Quickly!" Legolas had gone to scout ahead; a long line of bags littered the floor in front of them.   Loud screams echoed in front of them as a sudden figure appeared in their vision.

" Gandalf!"

            " Ouch! No more all together responses!" Gandalf winced and covered his ears.  The company looked at him and realized that for the first time he actually looked old.  His eyes that should have been like flaming coals were now burned out.  For the first time since Sam Gamgee had seen Gandalf the Gray, he realized that the great wizard was afraid.

            " Gandalf!" Aragorn was at a loss; he left Arwen's side, " What has happened my old friend? Why do you look so odd?"

            " Alas!" Gandalf turned away and motioned for all of them to gather around him as a park bench materialized in front of him.  He sat down heavily as a crowd of people passed them; poor Sam was nearly trampled as all of the full-grown humans and full-grown elves and hobbits jumped onto said bench.

            " To understand this evil more fully," Gandalf began, twice the wizard that he was guy-who-would-assist-anyone-in-any-jam-even-a-rampaging-mall-crowd, " I must go into a little background…prepare for a very long flashback in script form…

Aragorn: Is this going to take long? Is there a certain limit to the amount of space on the Fanfic page this author is posting on?

- Stunned silence when they realize that they've turned to script format-

Sam: Wow! Finally I won't have to have long descriptive paragraphs describing what I want to say with lots of " Said's" in between actual action!

Arwen: We'll be going back to normal writing in a minute, its funnier.

Gandalf: That's right, the author just did this to save time.

Sam: * sad* oh, I see…of course.

Gandalf: * coughs* okay! This world is not without evil in itself.  For at this joyous time in the holidays there is still one great danger.  A danger that the marketing people could not have foreseen when they were doing their job…

Aragorn: Sort of like the Elvin Ring smiths who made the rings of power?

-Stunned silence-

Gandalf: Sure! That works, but yes! A great and grave danger, that was sort of vaguely aware of because they were out to make lots and lots of money!  The evil and terrible true Lord of the Mall…PUBLIC OPINION AND SUPPY AND DEMAND!

-Yet another stunned silence, in which Arwen pulls out a watch and begins to time it-

Arwen: But…that's what the basic principles of economic gain and loss are! Supply the people with demand, or promise demand for a certain product.  It's like using illusion and slight of hand to make people believe in magic-

* Arwen rattles on for some time*

Aragorn: (after she's done) are elves just good at EVERYTHING!

Arwen: Why do you think we're so snotty at times?

- Yet another stunned and pregnant silence. -

Gandalf: *coughs* Yes! Well moving on.  The retailers created a small idol that people have come to worship.  It is sort of like the orcs, and their worship of small poisonous tree monkeys.

Arwen: Where did that come from?

Sam: Orcs don't worship small poisonous tree monkeys? Are there such things as small poisonous tree monkeys? *Turns to Aragorn, resident mortal wood expert*

Aragorn: How the heck should I know? For some worlds, there might be small poisonous tree monkeys.  However, its in doubt that orcs worship them.  *Talking to both Arwen and Sam* its just an example though to prove the author's point through Gandalf in a humorous way.

-For all you Legolas fans, he's keeping a lookout ^_^-

Gandalf: And so these retailers, in their shortsighted desire for monetary compensation brought to the market the idols known as…" TICKLE ME FUZZY FURBIES!"

* A scream is heard*

- Several shots of things in this order-

* A bottle of milk being spilled

* A fishbowl

* A really fat guy reading the newspaper

* A dog sniffing a tree.

Arwen: What the F**** was that about?

Aragorn: It's just some Misc. things that the author brought in to attempt to surprise the reader.  *Realizes what he just said* hang on an f***** second…why am I suddenly talking in abbreviations?

Gandalf: Oh forget it! We're going back to normal style!

- The mall scene is suddenly swept back into place. -

            Gandalf's weary look faded, " These tickle me fuzzy furbies are dangerous.  Apparently there is a large crowd of people trying to get them at the center of the mall! We have to help Merry and Pippin who are as of this moment caught up in this horrible wave!"

No more was needed as Legolas gave a shout.  Each character was up and running.

-------------------------

At the center of the mall where the characters first entered, there was a kiosk.

            And behind that kiosk lay the evil " Mall wraiths" the horrifying people who infest malls and bother everybody to buy cell phones.  At this moment, several of the mall wraiths noticed a large group of people, the people from Middle earth, running towards them.

Wraith one: Excellent.  Now we can sell them our " middle earth direct plan!"

Wraith two: Yes, they shall regret defying our master, PUBLIC DEMAND!

Wraith one: quickly! Here they come!

            Aragorn spotted the danger before the rest of the crowd.  He yelled something to Legolas, but it was drowned out by the roar of the sight that came after the wraiths of the mall.  Legolas nodded, drew his bow, and stuck an arrow in the sign.

            " It appears the ford is held against us!" He cried as his arrow hit the sign, " And by a far greater enemy then the black riders!"

-----------------------

The black riders

            The scourge of the free people, the nine kings of old who fell under the sway of greed and the lure of Sauron and the rings of power.

Also known as: Bob, Mike, Willy, Johnny B, Gerald, Ray, Harm, Jim, and Haramir.

Bob was hungry, the leader, and very angry.

His cell phone wasn't working.

            " This is the second time this stupid piece of shit has crapped out on me!" he slammed the phone into a wall, watching as it cracked into pieces.

            " Dude." Johnny B was the pimp who always had women hanging off of him.  He was also on weed and various other drugs, " Like, lighten up man.  You're a black rider of Mordor! You can kill whoever gets in your way…"

            " Yeah man!" Ray was the Mexican style one, he was chowing down on a taco purchased from the food court, and "any one who fucks with you is like, Mui loco man."

            Mike, Gerald, Harm, Jim, and Willy were engaged in a game of poker, so they had nothing to say on Bob's crappy cell phone service.

            " THE ONE WHO SOLD YOU THE CHEAP PHONE SERVICE SHOULD SUFFER THE WRATH OF MORDOR AND THE MINIONS OF SAURON!"

Bob and the other seven wraiths looked up.

            " For the first time." Bob said quietly, staring down at the pieces of the cell phone, " I think Haramir has the right idea."

A collective silence collected the group.

            " Lets GO AND SHOW THOSE BASTARDS THE TRUE WRATH OF MORDOR!"

And they were off.

-----------------------------

            " AREYOUSUREICAN'TINTERESTYOUINTHE"ELFTOELF"CALLINGPLAN?"

Legolas began to scream.

            " Leave us alone!" Aragorn was mad, really mad, " LEAVE US THE FUCKALONE-"

Aragorn was interrupted by a crash.

            From somewhere in a mall speaker the entrance music for the movie Armageddon began to play.  For the company before the wraiths of the mall time seemed to slow as the nine wraiths of Mordor appeared over the horizon.  Their black robes were silhouetted against a fountain, and a background of screams from the front of the mall.

Mall Wraith one: oh shit.

Wraith two: I agree wholeheartedly with that.

            Bob grinned, even though no one could see his face.  He imagined this was what his buddy Darth Vader felt like, smiling under his mask.

            " LISTEN UP!" Bob raised his sword.  Ray was swearing at them in Spanish (which would be a really crazy thing for a black rider if you think about it) and Johnny B was packing a six-shooter (yet another odd sight for a black rider)

            " SIR, AREYOUNOTSATISFIEDWITHOURSERVICE?"

" You're darn tooting I'm not satisfied! This thing keeps crapping out on me!" Bob held up the remains of his cell phone.

            " It's not suppose to work if it's broken sir-"

" I broke it Dammit! But it crapped out on me before! And now we're going to take our revenge!" Bob raised his sword threateningly.

The mall wraiths prepared to fight.

The ring wraiths prepared to fight back.

And the company of the Ring was confused.

            " Quickly!" Radagast appeared behind them, looking disheveled, " This way! The sins and doom of man are prevalent!"

They followed the wizard.

            The very center of the mall had an extremely ornate fountain.  A woman, dancing in a flock of birds, leapt into the skylight above.  There were the sounds of a scuffle behind them where they had met the mall wraiths, but for the moment, their attention was captured.

            A blur, quite similar to that of the armies of Mordor, lay in front of them.  Bags and heaps of things lay strewn about or clutched in hands.  Hundreds and hundreds of people, all races, colors, and religious backgrounds were screaming bloody murder at three sales clerks in front of them.

            " TICKLE ME FUZZY, TICKLE ME FUZZY, TICKLE ME FUZZY-" the chant grew stronger as more people joined the crowd.  One female clerk gave a gasp as a man stepped forth from the crowd.

" We want our merchandise, and we want it now! We who were promised something by the retailers of this country DESIRE OUR FUZZY TOYS FOR OUR CHILDREN!"  Aragorn and Arwen were terrified to find that…Frodo was caught up in the midst, yelling like all the rest.

            " Arnold…he went to…factory to get…more-"

" I don't care!" this time it was Frodo's voice that greeted the startled companies ears, " WE WANT OUR MERCHANDISE, AND WE WANT IT NOW!"

            " Frodo's gone mad hasn't he?" This time it was Merry's voice, coming from behind them.  All of the previous fellowship of the parking lot was gathered to witness this…monstrosity.

            " WAIT!"

A silence filled the shoppers.  The voice had been so commanding, so absolute, that they were hushed.

            Light from the skylight poured down onto a being standing silhouetted against the doors to the mall.  The fountain in front of him, he looked like an ancient king of old.  His red vest was bright and shining, and his spiked hair was crisp and clean.

            " I have returned."

There was yet another silence, and the depth of the statement sank in.

            " Rejoice!"

            " Huzzah!"

            " Hallelujah!

" Thank you!"

            The cry went up from the company of the ring, as well as the patrons of the mall.  Joyous cheers echoed back and forth on the neon signs, and the plaster and linoleum ceiling.  For two hours, the people of the mall rejoiced in celebration.  The sales clerks (grateful for the help from Arnold) handed out free coupons to all present.  All were pleased, and perhaps for a moment, there was true peace on earth, true goodwill toward men…

For the sales clerk had returned.

--------------------------------

" Well."

" Well what?"

            Frodo turned to look at Sam, " It got pretty crazy there for a minute."  Aragorn was driving up front, and Legolas was giving him directions.  The mall parking lot was filled with drivers, all orderly for the first time in ages.

            " I know-" But Sam's comment was interrupted by a honking noise.  A black van with the license plate, " Naz-gul" drove past.  The driver yelled out something that sounded close to, " Merry Christmas!" before heading out into the night.  A white car followed the fan, the bumper sticker, " My other car is a horse." Plastered on its fender.

            " Did you ever figure that Lady Arwen would drive a car?" Legolas said to Aragorn, Aragorn said nothing, save for a swear as the said white car cut him off, " I guess not." Legolas finished as Aragorn began to swear more colorfully as two other cars cut them off.

            " Wait a tick!" Frodo felt in his pockets hurriedly.  Merry and Pippin were fighting over Frodo's " tickle me Fuzzy Furbie" in the backseat.  Sam looked up at Frodo wary, and Gimli leaned over.

            " What's the matter?" Sam asked anxiously, " Lost something?"

Yet another numerous silences filled the car.

            " MY WALLET! IT'S GONE!"

Aragorn laughed.

            Legolas turned to him in the passenger seat, " What's so funny?" he said.  For Aragorn, true King of Gondor and Heir to the throne of Middle earth was laughing uproariously.

            " It just occurred to me, let me sing the song of lost wallet Frodo and the evil fuzzy toy!" Aragorn continued to laugh as a space finally opened. And the green van finally drove off into the night. 

            Gandalf however did not fair as well.  He traded insurance information with the man at the parkinglot exit, and apologized for the fact that the Rider of Rohan did not have a driver's license to drive a car.

            " He just needs to stick to Horses." Gandalf said, with a weary look back at Eomer.  He pulled into the car, and they drove off.  Following the Fellowship's van.

And peace came at last to the land of the mall.

Here ends the Saga of " The lord of the mall." Begun in Book one, the fellowship of the parkinglot, and finished in, " The return of the sales clerk."

-------------------------

- The scene is the author, blissfully typing away at the computer.  The three stage ninja's from the first page creep up behind her-

Author: * surprised* GAH! * She jumps up and spills her Pepsi*

Stage ninja one: WE caught her! Hooray!

All: Hooray for the Stage ninjas!

 - The author jumps up on her Desk-

Author: * screaming* Go away or I'll sick my poisonous tree monkeys on you!

- Thousands of small purple creatures reign down on the defenseless stage ninja's.  The air for a moment is filled with screeching, and loud monkey noises. -

Voice: * returns with an air of Trumpets* AHA! NOW I HAVE YOU! And I can pay you back for the really lame joke in the beginning!

Author: Oh yeah…* looks around but cannot find something to throw at the big disembodied voice. * Damn.

Voice: That's right, I'm a big disembodied voice, and you can't do anything to stop me can you?

Author: But you can't hurt me.

Voice: The hell I can't! * Pauses* Let's begin with a discussion on Mathematics, and the principles of math applied to economic and welfare gain in relation to the United States! Then we can sing some barney songs-

Author: * screaming because she knows the voice cannot be shut up* NOOOOOOOOO!

And that's the story of how poisonous tree monkeys came to be.

And the stage ninja's got revenge.

The end.

****

Real Author notes:

Did you enjoy that?

Hope so!

R&R and I'd LOOOVE some suggestions for another fanfic! *I'm fresh out of ideas! ^_^*

Happy Belated New year and X-mas

Ramenkitty.