Not Another Crappy Legolas Romance Fic! Episode Two
by Chibi-Gollum
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Christalina stood up. "Ow," she commented wisely. She was in a field of sunflowers. She looked around. An Orc ran towards her. Christalina ran screaming in the other direction, with the Orc chasing her.
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The Fellowship saw this scene. Legolas, suddenly, and without any reasonable explanation, fell in love with Christalina. Legolas raised his bow, and, using his exceptional Elvish aiming ability, killed it in one shot. Legolas did the chicken dance in celebration of his great victory, then walked over to the beautiful girl.
"Hello," he said, "my name is Legolas."
"Legless? Like, you don't have any legs? That's weird. But so very sexy."
Legolas didn't know how to respond to something like that.
"Anyway, my name is Christalina Franchesca Louisa Brittany Bobolala Celencio Alexandra Angela Cosma Ellen Helen Heather Elizabeth Emily Moonbeam Starlight, but you can call me Chris." Her eyes glittered. Legolas's heart skipped a beat. He fell on the ground motionless.
"HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!" screamed Frodo. "SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!"
Christalina flipped her hair over her shoulder. "I know CPR, I saw it on Baywatch once!" She knelt down beside Legolas and began pounding frantically on his chest.
The Fellowship stared. "Call me naïve, but I don't think she's doing it right," commented Boromir.
"Shh," said Frodo. "She's beautiful, charming, charismatic, and perfect in every way. I don't think we should question her."
It's not working, thought Christalina in distress. I knew I should have paid more attention to that show! But I just can't figure out how to run in slow motion, and even if I could, I don't think it would help right now… What do I do? She bent down and kissed him.
Sam looked at Frodo gaily. And I mean that in the worst possible way.
Frodo looked away nervously.
Legolas woke up. She's so beautiful, he thought. Pretty dumb… but beautiful.
Suddenly, he came to his senses. "How's my hair?!" he asked, worried.
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So Christalina Franchesca Louisa Brittany Bobolala Celencio Alexandra Angela Cosma Ellen Helen Heather Elizabeth Emily Moonbeam Starlight joined the Fellowship of the Ring.
"So," she asked Legolas as they walked, "where am I?"
"You're in Middle-earth," he replied.
"Middle-earth? You mean, the middle of the earth? Cause I did fall through a hole in the floor, and I did think there was more lava in the middle of the earth, cause I read that book called Journey to the Center of the Earth, and there was a lot more lava there, but I guess not here, I guess."
She's kind of an idiot, Legolas thought to himself. The kind of idiot I could spend the rest of my life with.
Christalina's eyes teared up. "I wanna go HOME! I miss my mom, and my dad, and my cat Bazooka, and my dog Zamboni, and my friends, and my hamsters, and my fishes, and my turtles, and my mascara, and the MALL!!! I don't think I'll EVER get home!!!" This is TOO PERFECT!!! she thought, supressing a grin. A hot guy at my every beck and call, and NO PARENTS!!! But I have to play on his emotions… hmm…
She collapsed wailing into Legolas's arms… or, she meant to, anyway.
THUD.
"Whoops… were you trying to collapse into my arms? I wasn't really watching… are you okay?"
Chris stood up and felt a sharp pain in her ankle. She cried out in pain.
"What is it?" Legolas asked worriedly.
"It's my ankle… I think I sprained it…"
"Really? Let me carry you the rest of the way. We'll be stopping for the night in a few minutes, and then we'll see what we can do."
Legolas lifted Chris onto his back.
Heeheeheeeee… it's working… Maybe he'll bandage my ankle with his shirt, or sleep with me…
"Comfy?" he asked.
"Yes. Very." Heeheeheeeeeeeeee…
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