The "Secret Love
Affairs" of Hogwarts…
Tangled love affairs
everywhere.
Part 5
Scene
Thirteen: Muggle Studies class. Just pretend that Ron, Harry, Hermione,
Malfoy, and Pansy are in that class, too.
Ron: Karaoke? What's that?
Harry: It's something Muggles like to do. They sing with the song.
Ron: Really? Then I do Karaoke all the time! (Hermione
sighs.) How's about you and me sing
us a duet, eh, Herm?
Malfoy: (Watching jealously from behind a chair.) I
planned it all, my sweet…I shall pick a song that will define my feelings to
you in a way that is both discreet and yet…not.
Pansy: (From behind him.) Come on, Draco! Let's sing a
song together. How about this one,
"Where You Are", by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. It totally defines our beautiful
relationship. Doesn't it, Draco? (Bats her eyes.)
Malfoy: Uh,
I already picked a song.
Pansy: "Crazy For This Girl"? Oh, I get it!
Malfoy: (Starts sweating.) You
do?
Pansy: Of
course. You're dedicating it to
me! Oh, Draco, I'm crazy for you too!
Malfoy: Ummmm…yeah. (Runs up to the front quickly. Music starts playing.) Uh…?
Seamus: Start singing already! (Gryffindors hoot and catcall.)
Malfoy: Oh. Let's see…(Reads lyrics.) She rolls the
window down, and she talks over the sound…
Ron: (To Harry.) Ugh, he's sounds like a foghorn.
Harry: Must
be a very foggy day.
Hermione: (To herself.) He's not half-bad, actually…
Ron: Hey,
Harry, how about you and me look for some embarrassing evidence to put in the
Great Hall in that book?
Malfoy: …Would you look at her, she
looks at me, she's got me thinking about her constantly…(Spins around and tries
to tap dance.)
Pansy: Oh
Draco, you're so compassionate, so sweet, so loving…
Malfoy: And she carries on without a doubt…I wonder if she's figured out I'm
crazy for this girl…(Looks directly at Hermione.)
Ron: (Roaring with laughter.) Oi, he's looking at you, Hermione! (Hermione quickly looks
behind her.)
Hermione: No way, Ron. He's singing to
Pansy - she's right behind me.
Pansy: Would you look at that! He's
looking at me! (Waves frantically.) Hi, Draco! (Malfoy slaps himself.)
Malfoy: Right now…face to face, all my fears pushed aside. (Drops to his knees.) Right now…(jumps off the
stage and runs blindly in Hermione's direction. Closing his eyes, he stops right by her.) Ready to spend the rest of
my life with you. (Opens his eyes to
Pansy squealing.) Crap!
Pansy: Draco…I love you. (Flutters her eyelashes.) Let's run away and get married.
Malfoy: Uh,
yeah. How about not? (To Crabbe and Goyle,
sitting there and looking stupid.) Hey it's your turn. What are you singing anyway?
Crabbe: Spice Up Your Life.
Goyle: Spice Girls. (Everyone looks revolted at the idea of Crabbe and Goyle singing Spice
Girls music.)
* * *
Scene Fourteen: Gryffindor Common Room.
Ron: Listen
to this one, Hermione! Ode to Hermione, Sweet Angel of Goodness. Haw! I've
never heard anything so stupid!
Hermione: (Grumpily.) Because you've never written anything with love. (Snatches book, blushing.) Obviously, this person has strong feelings.
Harry: What
else is new? He called you the
Aphrodite of Hogwarts! What's that
supposed to mean?
Hermione: Shut up, you guys…
Hermione's thought: Oh my gosh, who is this guy? He sounds so sensitive. I'm sure we'd really hit it off. And - what's that smell? Oi,
Parvati is wearing way too much perfume again.
Ron: Aren't
you anxious to hear who it is?
Harry: WHO??
Ron: I
don't see a name anywhere.
Hermione's thought: Maybe it's Ron, but he's pretending it's someone else! No, it couldn't be. Ron's not that kind of person. That would be weird. Harry, maybe? No. Wait a minute - it's
Neville, isn't it?!
Ginny: Hey,
Ron…hey Harry. What are you looking at?
Harry: A
book of disgustingly mushy love poems and such.
Ginny: Who
wrote it?
Ron: (Shrugs.) No
idea. It just says inside the cover, Mushy
Love Poems and Such . See?
Ginny: (Sits in the chair closest to Harry.) So…who are they about?
Harry: A
girl Gryffindor.
Ginny: (Eyes widen.) Really?
Ron: They're all about Hermione.
Ginny: (Mouth drops.) Oh.
Colin: Hey, Ginny! Wanna see my new pictures!! Oh,
hiya Harry!
Harry: (Gets up quickly.) I need to use the little boys room. (Rushes out of the portrait hole.)
Ginny: (Sighs.) Sure, why not? (Drags
her feet behind Colin.)
Colin: See this one? I actually got one of Harry catching that Snitch. Ooh, ooh! This one is him right after he got out of bed! Can you believe it? He's
tying hi shoe in this one…
Ron: He needs help, that one. (Looks at Hermione, who is looking
through the pink book and blushing.) So, Herm…what do you say you and me go up to my dorm and try to figure
out this mysterious writer? (Runs
his hands through his hair.) You
know, it seems like me and him have…quite a lot in common. (Looks sauve and winks.)
Hermione: Mmm-hmm. (Closes the book.) I'm
going to bed now, Ron. Big test
tomorrow in Arithmancy. (Leaves.)
Ron: (Looks after her.) Nuts!!
* * *
Scene
Fifteen: The kitchen.
Dobby: Winky is needing to get up! Winky is starting to blend in with the
floor! Winky? Where is Winky?
Winky: (From under Dobby.) Waah! Master is gone! Master is gone!
Dobby: So there you are, Winky! (Steps off of Winky.)
Winky: Master used to let me tend to his fire. And Master told Winky all of his
secrets. Now Master is…dead!!
Dobby: Aw, snap out of it already! (Shakes his head and recovers his old
speech.) I mean, Winky is serving
Professor Dumbledore now!
Winky: Master used to let me scrub the pots until
they was nice and shiny. And Master
used to let me shine his shoes while he was moving. Winky used to love to shine his shoes.
Dobby: Dobby thinks Winky was in love with Mr.
Crouch!
Winky: Noo! Winky is not in love with Master!
Dobby: I think I will be leaving now. (Hurries away.)
Winky: (Sniffles.) Winky likes Dobby. Winky
thinks Dobby is very brave. Master
would have liked Dobby! Master would
have hired Dobby! Master is dead!!!
House
Elf: Winky needs to get a life!!
