I don't know how long I had been sitting on the stairs when Ron found me.
I wasn't expecting him and when he put his hand on my shoulder I almost
jumped through the roof.
"RON WEASLEY! Don't you EVER do that to me again!" I cry, he just laughs and sits beside me. Cho's been good for Ron, he laughs more than he used to, but there is still a shadow in his eyes. Yet another price of war, do they ever end? We sit in silence for a few moments, its nice to feel him next to me again. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the heat of the fire in the Common Room, I can almost hear the other Hogwarts students complaining about homework, it's almost like being home—almost.
"You know one of the things I really love about you?" He says suddenly. I look up surprised and shake my head, no. "You're persistent." He smiles "Actually its one of the things I hate about you too. Its one of the reasons we've been best friends for so long. You don't give up." I sigh and lean my head back against the stair railing. I don't have to ask why he is saying this, I know.
"Ron, I can't help him. He doesn't want me. There's nothing more I can do." He reaches over and gently shakes my arm.
"Come now Hermione." He says, there is a gentle chiding to his voice I haven't heard before. "That isn't like you at all." I look away
"What if it is like me Ron? I mean, what is really me? I don't think I know any more. I feel like I've lost myself, and I don't know how to fix things. I'm just useless!"
"That's not true and you know it." He says, "How did you expect him to react? Were you expecting him to just jump up and say, 'well now that Hermione is here its all ok and I'll never be sad again'? It not going to work that way, this is something you can't learn form a book, you have to feel it, and I think you need to evaluate your own feelings here." I felt my head jerk up involuntarily, I found the deep eyes of my friend studying my face. My face went hot.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, more sharply than I mean to. He reaches out and took my chin in his hand.
"He needs you Hermione, not me, not Harry, he needs you. He's needed you for a long time. If anyone is going to reach him it has to be you. He's my brother Hermione; I'd do anything to help him. But I can't reach him anymore. He's built up walls that I don't know how to break through." Ron looks away and my eyes fill with tears, I hadn't realized how helpless he must feel about all this. "He doesn't even talk to me, to any of us, he's locked himself away in that dark room and if something doesn't change he'll withdraw so far that not even you will be able to reach him." I pull my face away.
"I'm sorry Ron." I say, "I just don't' think I can make a difference."
"What makes you want to walk away? His resistance to you, or your resistance to him?" I twist around to look at him, but he just smiles and leans in to kisses me gently on the forehead. "Help him Herm, help him and you just might find the missing part of yourself." With that he is gone and I let my head rest against the railing again, wondering if Ron has been able to see something I am just beginning to suspect.
******~~~~~~******
These are letters to me. Letters from my family, my friends, even some of my old teachers. I sit in stunned silence, not sure if I want to read them or not. I'm not sure if I could handle what they say, I'm afraid I wont be able to accept what they say, and I'm even more afraid of what will happen if I do. It's so much easier when I can lay all the blame on myself. You see if there is no one to blame, if the my company really was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, well then it means that none of us really have control over our lives, that we are all being tossed around on some "wind of fate" or something. It means that I have to give up control of my life, and I can't handle not being in control.
I've been in control all my life. I know it doesn't seem like it, I mean all my years at Hogwarts must seem like a wild whirlwind of insanity with no real purpose, but it wasn't like that at all. Every word, every movement, every prank was planed, it was gone over again and again to be sure it was just right. People saw only what I wanted them to see, period. There is only one time I can think of where anyone saw me weak enough to cry. It was my third year, Fred and I had just made the Qudditch team as beaters and we were in the middle of our first training session when a bludger got away from Fred and hit me right between the eyes. It shattered my nose and fractured my forehead in three places. It hurt. I remember screaming as I fell, I came to a few moments after I landed on the field and felt myself sobbing before I blacked out again. I was so disgusted with myself, when I woke up in the hospital I vowed that I would never let anyone see me cry ever again. I've done it too, I've never let anyone see me cry, it's been easy because from that day on I didn't cry, not even when I was alone.
The closest I ever came was in our seventh year, Dad went on a mission for Dumbledor, and he never came back. I still wonder what would have happened if I had just broken down and cried. I think I would still be crying, but by that point I had learned how to keep my emotions in check. Maybe "captive" is a better word. Really it became a blessing, I mean you can't let yourself feel on the battlefield. If you do you hurt so much you can't go on. I've seen it happen. So I guess in that way I was spared, if you can call it that. My personal belief is that it would have been a blasted lot easier if I had been the one killed on that battlefield. But no one ever asks me. I'm at an impasse, I can't go forward and I can't go back.
So now the question is—How do I go on from here?
(A|N: Ok…here we go--lets hope the creative juices are flowing for good now--I really want to finish this—and considering how this work has been going that is a step in the right direction. I think I'll have a bit more free time now so I'll be working as hard as I can to get this done. Let me stop here to say THANK YOU to all you wonderful reviewers, I can't tell you how much your kind words have helped me go on with this story. I was very discouraged last time and you have helped greatly! Thanks! Oh—and btw—Ron is with Cho because I and writing this story and I say so *grin* I'm afraid that I have a bit soft spot in my heart for Cho (hence the Cho story in my profile) and I'm not really sure why everyone is so against her. So there you have it—be gentle please.)
"RON WEASLEY! Don't you EVER do that to me again!" I cry, he just laughs and sits beside me. Cho's been good for Ron, he laughs more than he used to, but there is still a shadow in his eyes. Yet another price of war, do they ever end? We sit in silence for a few moments, its nice to feel him next to me again. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the heat of the fire in the Common Room, I can almost hear the other Hogwarts students complaining about homework, it's almost like being home—almost.
"You know one of the things I really love about you?" He says suddenly. I look up surprised and shake my head, no. "You're persistent." He smiles "Actually its one of the things I hate about you too. Its one of the reasons we've been best friends for so long. You don't give up." I sigh and lean my head back against the stair railing. I don't have to ask why he is saying this, I know.
"Ron, I can't help him. He doesn't want me. There's nothing more I can do." He reaches over and gently shakes my arm.
"Come now Hermione." He says, there is a gentle chiding to his voice I haven't heard before. "That isn't like you at all." I look away
"What if it is like me Ron? I mean, what is really me? I don't think I know any more. I feel like I've lost myself, and I don't know how to fix things. I'm just useless!"
"That's not true and you know it." He says, "How did you expect him to react? Were you expecting him to just jump up and say, 'well now that Hermione is here its all ok and I'll never be sad again'? It not going to work that way, this is something you can't learn form a book, you have to feel it, and I think you need to evaluate your own feelings here." I felt my head jerk up involuntarily, I found the deep eyes of my friend studying my face. My face went hot.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, more sharply than I mean to. He reaches out and took my chin in his hand.
"He needs you Hermione, not me, not Harry, he needs you. He's needed you for a long time. If anyone is going to reach him it has to be you. He's my brother Hermione; I'd do anything to help him. But I can't reach him anymore. He's built up walls that I don't know how to break through." Ron looks away and my eyes fill with tears, I hadn't realized how helpless he must feel about all this. "He doesn't even talk to me, to any of us, he's locked himself away in that dark room and if something doesn't change he'll withdraw so far that not even you will be able to reach him." I pull my face away.
"I'm sorry Ron." I say, "I just don't' think I can make a difference."
"What makes you want to walk away? His resistance to you, or your resistance to him?" I twist around to look at him, but he just smiles and leans in to kisses me gently on the forehead. "Help him Herm, help him and you just might find the missing part of yourself." With that he is gone and I let my head rest against the railing again, wondering if Ron has been able to see something I am just beginning to suspect.
******~~~~~~******
These are letters to me. Letters from my family, my friends, even some of my old teachers. I sit in stunned silence, not sure if I want to read them or not. I'm not sure if I could handle what they say, I'm afraid I wont be able to accept what they say, and I'm even more afraid of what will happen if I do. It's so much easier when I can lay all the blame on myself. You see if there is no one to blame, if the my company really was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, well then it means that none of us really have control over our lives, that we are all being tossed around on some "wind of fate" or something. It means that I have to give up control of my life, and I can't handle not being in control.
I've been in control all my life. I know it doesn't seem like it, I mean all my years at Hogwarts must seem like a wild whirlwind of insanity with no real purpose, but it wasn't like that at all. Every word, every movement, every prank was planed, it was gone over again and again to be sure it was just right. People saw only what I wanted them to see, period. There is only one time I can think of where anyone saw me weak enough to cry. It was my third year, Fred and I had just made the Qudditch team as beaters and we were in the middle of our first training session when a bludger got away from Fred and hit me right between the eyes. It shattered my nose and fractured my forehead in three places. It hurt. I remember screaming as I fell, I came to a few moments after I landed on the field and felt myself sobbing before I blacked out again. I was so disgusted with myself, when I woke up in the hospital I vowed that I would never let anyone see me cry ever again. I've done it too, I've never let anyone see me cry, it's been easy because from that day on I didn't cry, not even when I was alone.
The closest I ever came was in our seventh year, Dad went on a mission for Dumbledor, and he never came back. I still wonder what would have happened if I had just broken down and cried. I think I would still be crying, but by that point I had learned how to keep my emotions in check. Maybe "captive" is a better word. Really it became a blessing, I mean you can't let yourself feel on the battlefield. If you do you hurt so much you can't go on. I've seen it happen. So I guess in that way I was spared, if you can call it that. My personal belief is that it would have been a blasted lot easier if I had been the one killed on that battlefield. But no one ever asks me. I'm at an impasse, I can't go forward and I can't go back.
So now the question is—How do I go on from here?
(A|N: Ok…here we go--lets hope the creative juices are flowing for good now--I really want to finish this—and considering how this work has been going that is a step in the right direction. I think I'll have a bit more free time now so I'll be working as hard as I can to get this done. Let me stop here to say THANK YOU to all you wonderful reviewers, I can't tell you how much your kind words have helped me go on with this story. I was very discouraged last time and you have helped greatly! Thanks! Oh—and btw—Ron is with Cho because I and writing this story and I say so *grin* I'm afraid that I have a bit soft spot in my heart for Cho (hence the Cho story in my profile) and I'm not really sure why everyone is so against her. So there you have it—be gentle please.)
