Title: If Wishing Made It So
Author: Bron (bronwyn_00@excite.com)
Summary: Lindsay suffers the after effects of her stabbing.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to DEK and ABC
* * *
If wishing made it so.
Living is a complicated process. Far more complicated than I ever realised
before. It's strange how when life is going well, or even going as expected
you tend not to focus on the fact that living requires effort, it requires
a commitment. There are certain things you must do to stay alive, things
like eating, drinking, sleeping, these are mandatory requirements, but
that's not living that's existing.
Living requires other things, things like, interacting with others, setting
goals, feeling emotions. A person who can't feel emotions can never really
be considered alive can they? I mean they can walk, they can talk, they can
function but without the emotion behind all these actions to complete them
are they anything more than a shell? A vessel? A shadow of their former
self? When the numbness stretches to encompass all that they are, and all
that they used to be, is there even any reason for them to continue?
I ask these questions because I think it's very possible that that's the
person I've turned into. The one that doesn't care about life anymore.
Which is really strange when you think about it, because as a victim of a
violent crime, you'd think that I would care about life more, that having
come so close to death, literally feeling myself fading away, that now I'd
be embracing everything.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I stopping to smell the roses and watch
the children play in the parks? Why can't I take enjoyment from sunny days
or birds singing in the trees? Did I ever do that? If I did it's all a
distant memory now.
I know people are worried about me, my family, my friends. They don't
understand why I haven't bounced back faster than this. My physical wounds
have healed, but my psychological ones fester. I don't blame them it's not
their fault, I know I'm shutting them out. The truth is I'm too scared to
let them in, too scared to let them see the darkness and anger I have
stirring inside me. Mostly I'm too scared to let them see the fear. So
instead I show them indifference, I don't laugh at their jokes, I ignore
their attempts to include me in conversations, I distance myself. It's
easier to embrace the numbness than force myself to face the things that
I'm really feeling and make myself deal with it.
As much as I wish I could get back to the woman I was before the attack, I
fear that she's already drifted passed my reach, and not trying is easier
than failing, right? It's certainly easier to tell myself that. But I find
myself starting to wonder what it would take if I did make the effort, who
could make me understand what I'm feeling, who could help me deal with it
instead of tucking tail and running.
I'd like to think it would be Bobby, but to be honest I don't think he can
do that for me. Bobby is one of those people who likes to pretend problems
don't exist. If you ignore it for long enough then surely it'll go away.
I've tried that method I don't think it's working for me. I'd also like to
think I could talk to Helen or my parents but I don't think that would work
either, I don't think I could explain this new person I've become in a way
they could understand, I don't think I even want too.
But I know I need to talk to someone, I need to start somewhere, I know I
need help. I also think I know where to find it. During my senior year of
high school my parents were having marital problems and I started to feel
like my world was crashing down around me, my Mother got worried about me
and she sent me to this psychiatrist, Dr Hurley. At first I'd gone in there
belligerent and angry, determined that there was nothing she could do to
help me. She'd put up with my attitude and after a while I'd started to
unwind, I ended up telling her things I'd never thought I could share with
anyone else. She got me through a really bad point in my life. I stopped
going to see her when I got accepted into college, I'd felt stronger by
then, ready to face any challenges.
But I don't feel strong anymore and I think I might need her again.
* * *
I'm literally shaking as I knock on the door, and for the third time in as
many minutes I find myself fighting the urge to turn back around a leave, I
nearly do it too, but then the door opens and I'm ushered inside. Dr Hurley
is exactly as I remember her. She's aged since I've last seen her, but the
basic things, the warmth and caring I always associated with her remain the
same. It eases my tension slightly.
She smiles and I know she can tell how nervous I am as she leads me to a
chair and urges me to sit, before siting opposite me. She smiles warmly
"It's been a long time Lindsay"
I nod, I'm actually still a little surprised that she remembers me because
it has been so long. But then I guess I don't forget to many of my clients
either. "How are you're parents?" she asks me, after an awkward pause.
"They're good, they're divorced now"
She doesn't look surprised by that information, but instead leans forward
"Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"
"No….. No I'm okay with all of that, it was a while ago anyhow"
"Okay then, how can I help you?"
"I wanted too…… That is….." I wonder why it's so hard for me to open up to
this woman who used to know me so well, and I put it down to the fact that
I'm out of practice.
"You wanted to talk about the attack"
I look at her surprised "You know about that?"
"It was front page news" she says, nodding "I was very worried about you,
and happy when I'd gheard you'd pulled through"
"The jury's still out on that one" I say with a self-depreciating smile.
She nods in understanding "I read that they caught the man responsible,
that he's dead"
I take a deep breath because this is part of my problem "They think so,
they can't be sure it was him but Bobby seems pretty confident, he's sure
the police got the right guy"
"Bobby Donnell, your boss?"
"He's…" I reach down to fiddle with the ring on my finger "He's my fiancé.
He proposed to me when I was in hospital"
A small smile appears on her face "That sounds lovely, what else does Bobby
say?"
"That I should get past it, that I should move on and focus on other
things"
"Like the wedding?"
"Yeah, I guess. Bobby doesn't like to spend a lot of time looking back, he
prefers to focus on the future"
"But you can't?"
I shake my head, swallowing the lump that's become lodged in my throat
"No…. I'm having some trouble with that"
"That's not at all uncommon Lindsay, it would be more uncommon if you could
just put it aside without dealing with it. Your body suffered a severe
trauma, but so did your psyche, curing one doesn't necessarily cure the
other. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I nod, the lump expanding until I think I might choke on it. "I've been
having nightmares" I finally manage to say, my voice sounding raspy.
She stands and pours me a glass of water which I gratefully accept. After a
moment she asks "Can you tell me about them?"
"It's always the same one" I pause, drinking deeply, to steady my nerves
"I'm in the office by myself and I hear a noise at the door. I open it and
there's a man standing there, he's dressed in a Nun's outfit but I can't
see his face. All I can see is his hand"
"Why his hand?"
"Because he's holding a knife" If I close my eyes I'm sure I'll see the
glint of the blade so I focus on the doctor, I notice that she's picked up
a notebook and she's making notations as I speak.
She looks over at me "You don't mind do you? It helps me keep everything
clear" I shake my head, and she continues "You were telling me about the
knife?"
"The dream always ends the same, he lifts the knife and even though I can
see it coming towards me I can't seem to move, then he's stabbing me and I
can feel it. Every puncture…." I'm starting to visualise the words as I say
them so I take a deep breath to draw myself back "And then I wake up
screaming"
She waits while I calm down "How often do you have these nightmares,
Lindsay?"
"Not all the time, there's no set pattern" She doesn't comment, so I keep
talking "Maybe once a week or so"
"Do you know what triggers them?"
I shake my head "No…. I mean how could I?"
She's regarding me carefully "Are you sure? With cases like this there's
usually some sort of specific trigger. A taste, a smell, a sound, something
visual - like a colour"
I don't answer immediately, instead taking some time to consider "A smell……
There's this scent I think he was wearing, maybe some sort of cologne.
Sometimes I think I can smell it so clearly, and then the next instant it's
gone, and I'm sure I must have imagined it. I've brought it up a few times
but no-one else can ever seem to smell it, and I don't want to keep
mentioning it because….."
"Because you don't want them to think you're crazy?" she says, filling in
the blanks.
I nod, and take a moment to compose myself.
"What other people think of you is important?"
I know what she's trying to do here, she's changing the subject to give me
breathing room. "Sure" I reply "In my line of work it's important to build
a reputation. If people think you're cracking up they're not likely to want
to hire you"
"So you're afraid this will affect your work?"
"I think I'm afraid it already has been"
She makes a few notes and then leans forward "What do you mean?"
"Bobby, he's…. Well he's been screening the clients I take to make sure I'm
not handling any murder or attempted murder cases"
"Why do you think he's doing that?"
Her direct gaze is making me uncomfortable, so I stand and walk over to
look out the window "He's worried about me, I guess. He's trying to protect
me"
"Does he do that often?"
I can see my reflection in the window and wonder when I started to look so
old "Sometimes. More since the attack. He's paranoid about me going out
alone"
"Does he think you're going to get attacked again?"
"I don't know" I answer, turning around to face her and leaning against the
windowsill "I think he feels a little guilty because he was running late to
get me that night. He thinks if he'd gotten there earlier he could have
stopped it from happening"
"Do you think that?"
My eyebrows raise in surprise "Of course not"
"What else?"
I sigh and cross my arms in front of me, it's a defensive gesture I know
but one I'm helpless to prevent "I think he's worried about the nightmares"
"Do you talk to him about them?"
"No" I shake my head "It's hard to. Mostly I'm just trying to forget them
myself. I try to think of something else until they go away"
"And does that work for you?"
"Sometimes…… Sometimes better than others, but I usually find my mind
drifting back"
"To what?"
I push myself off the windowsill and take my time walking back to the
chair, because this is the part that I've been dreading mentioning "Death….
I find myself thinking about death a lot"
"About you dying?"
I nod, then clarify "About what would have happened if I had died. I mean I
was hurt really badly, by all accounts and purposes I should be dead right
now. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not"
"You think you should have died?" She puts her notebook down and focuses on
me intently.
"I wonder what the point is in surviving when I'm scared all the time. When
I yell at the people who care about me because I have all this anger inside
me for the person who did this too me, but I can't direct it at him, so I
turn on them instead" I place my hand over my stomach "I have scars that I
can't even look at, that I can't show other people"
"Not even Bobby?"
I shake my head "Especially not him"
"How do you manage that?"
I'm feeling emotion well up inside me, this is an area I hadn't planned to
talk about today. It doesn't surprise me that Dr Hurley's managed to get
there though. "It's always dark, on the nights he stays over with me, I
make sure it's dark, that the lights are off"
"And he's alright with that?"
I shrug "He's tried to bring it up a couple of times, but when I say I
don't want to talk about it he usually lets it go. I think he's afraid of
pushing me too far"
"Why are you keeping your scars from him Lindsay? What don't you want him
to see?"
I swallow at the new lump now residing in my throat but I'm less successful
this time at stopping the tears "The fear" Dr Hurley reaches over and hands
me a tissue, then waits patiently for me to continue. "When I look at the
scars they're like a window….. An opening that this person used to take
something from me, something really important and I'm afraid I'll never get
it back."
She picks up the pad and makes some more notes "Do you know what it was?"
I shrug "My confidence… My belief in myself." I take a deep breath and
stare at the floral arrangement on her coffee table "When I was eight or
nine I watched this animated movie about a little boy who found a genie and
he was granted three wishes. I used to spend hours thinking about what I'd
wish for if I had three wishes."
She seems intrigued by my story "What were your wishes?"
"Well I wanted to go to Disneyland….. And I really wished my brother had
been born a girl, because I was sure a sister would have been so much more
fun…." I trail off and look at her sheepishly "I was eight" I say by way of
explanation.
She nods, and I can see the amusement in her eyes. "What about the third
wish?"
"I never chose a third wish, I knew whatever that one was it had to be
something really big, really special. I wanted to save it, to hold onto it
until I could figure out what that would be." I shrug "And then I forgot
about the movie, and the wishes weren't important anymore"
"They're important now?"
I reach for the glass of water again, and take another large swallow,
before setting the glass back "If I had that third wish now, I'd wish that
I was whole again, that I could walk into a room and not be terrified. That
I could sleep through the night without any bad dreams. That I could
remember what if felt like to laugh."
"And you don't think you can achieve those things on your own?"
"I used to think if I worked hard enough that there was nothing I couldn't
achieve on my own. Now I'm not so sure"
She sets the notepad aside again "Would you like to know what I think?"
"Sure"
"I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for Lindsay. You
suffered a traumatic experience and you survived it. But I think that's
only half the battle, you need to start letting the people you love back
into your life. And you need to start with Bobby. Show him your scars, not
just the ones there" she says, pointing to my midsection "But the ones up
here as well" she reaches up and taps her own skull "You need to start
letting people in"
I take a deep breath "It's hard"
She nods in understanding "The most importing things often are"
Just then the buzzer sounds indicating the end of my session, we both stand
and she hold out her hand to shake mine. "You've made some real progress
here today Lindsay, will you come back to see me?"
I nod "Yes"
"And will you take my advice?" I continue nodding and she smiles
"Excellent, well I'll see you next time"
She walks me to the door and waves as I exit. When I get outside I notice
that the sun is shining, and I think if I listen really carefully beneath
the sound of the passing traffic I may just be able to hear the birds
singing in the trees.
* * *
It's already dark by the time Bobby arrives at his apartment, he looks
surprised to see me, but also happy.
"Hi" He says leaning down to kiss me "I thought you'd be at your place, I
was going to give you a call to see how it went"
I can see the worry in his eyes, he knew I was going to talk to the doctor
today, I can tell it's been something he's been thinking about. I look
around the kitchen at the meal I've prepared, and realise I don't want to
put this off any longer. He's still looking at me waiting for an answer, so
I summon all of my courage and take his hand in mine.
My voice is a little rusty when I speak, but it's steady "Can you come with
me for a moment, there's something I need to show you?"
He looks surprised but he nods "Sure"
My grasp on his hand tightens as I lead him into the bedroom, the lights
are off and the room is dark and for a moment I really want to keep it that
way, but I know I cant. With an unsteady hand I reach over and flip the
light switch.
"Lindsay?" Bobby's looking at me uncertainly.
I let go of his hand and walk a couple of paces away, before turning back
to face him. When I speak it's softly and I keep my eyes trained on his
chest "I talked to Dr Hurley today"
"How did it go?" I can here the concern in his voice, and I wonder how I
could have excluded him for so long.
"It went well…. I'm going to go back, but I feel better after talking to
her"
"I'm glad" I look up because I can hear something in his tone of voice,
when I look into his eyes they're filled with relief, but also with traces
of hurt.
"I wanted to talk to you Bobby, but I couldn't" I watch as the hurt
deepens.
"Why not?"
It's a perfectly reasonable question, but not one I have and easy answer
for. "For the same reason I've been hiding my scars" he waits for me to
continue and after a moment I do "Because I was afraid if I let you see me
to closely you'd realise I wasn't the person you fell in love with, and
that you might turn away, I wasn't sure I could handle that"
"You think I'd think that if I saw your scars? You think I'd do that to
you?"
"I was afraid of it?"
"Why? Lindsay what have I done to give you the impression that that's how
I'd react?" I can hear a note of anger mingling with the hurt and I cant
find any reason blame him for it.
"Because when I looked at them all I saw was this ugliness and anger I had
building inside me"
I watch him take a deep breath as if to steady himself, and when he speaks
this time his voice is calm "Do you want to know what I think I'd see if I
looked at your scars?"
I nod, unable to answer "If you showed them to me I think I'd see them as
evidence that you're alive and that you're here with me. How could I see
ugliness in that?" He reaches out to rest his hand on my cheek, urging me
to look at him "I'm not going anywhere Lindsay, you can push all you want
but I'm not going away"
Tears well up in my eyes and I can't look away "I'm sorry Bobby, I should
have trusted you more." I lift my hand to cover his where it's still
resting on my cheek "I want to show you now" I say, and then draw a deep
breath "No, I need to show you now"
He nods and I drop my hand and step back, sinking onto the side of the bed.
My strength is deserting me but I'm determined to follow through. I'm
wearing one of his old Boston University t-shirts and I reach down grabbing
hold of the hem and drawing it slowly over my head. It takes me a moment to
summon the courage to look at him, but I finally slide my gaze up to meet
his.
When he looks at me there are tears in his eyes, and as he steps closer to
me I have to fight the urge to cover myself. As if he knows what I'm
thinking he reaches out an takes the shirt out of my grasp before sinking
to his knees directly in front of me. I can't seem to move as he places
both hands on my sides and leans down and places a light kiss on my
stomach. I jolt a little at the contact but he holds me steady as he moves
his lips down the incision made by the doctors and then one by one over the
puncture marks made by the knife. It's as if he's committing each one to
memory.
When he lifts his head the tears are still glistening and his eyes are
filled with such sadness and love that it takes my breath away.
"I'm sorry you felt you couldn't share this with me before" he says as the
first tear slides down his cheek "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed
me to be"
I lean forward until my forehead is resting against his, and hold onto him
tightly, absorbing some of his strength. "I'm sorry I kept you out" I say
"I should have done this sooner"
He nods and pulls me even closer, and this time I rest my head on his
shoulder. "Maybe we should just start over" he says. "We can move in the
same direction this time"
I smile against his shoulder, my first real smile in longer than I care to
remember, and I clutch him tightly "I'd like that."
If wishes were horses
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I feel uncomfortable, like I'm out of my element. When I'm in the
courtroom, I know what to say, and how to act, but I have no experience in
a doctors office. No safety net. Do I sit? Do I stand? Do I pace? I feel
like doing all three at the same time, which isn't possible, so I settle
for sitting and fidgeting a lot. It's a good compromise.
Doctor Hurley sits across from me, an air of calmness in contrast to my
edginess. She wears an expression of understanding that's kind of
comforting. If I needed a Doctor (which for the record I don't) I guess
she'd be a good one to choose. It's kind of reassuring to me that she's
looking after Lindsay.
"Bobby" she says, with that New England accent that only people who've
lived here their entire lives ever really perfect, "You should calm down, I
won't hurt you"
I look around the room again "I know, I'm sorry, I'm just…."
"Uncomfortable?" she says "Out of you're element?" What, is the woman a
mind reader? If anything the thought of that just serves to make me even
more uneasy. "This is your first time with a psychiatrist?" I nod "Well why
don't you take a deep breath and tell me why you're here"
Maybe she can't read minds after all, I take the breath she recommended
"I'm not here about me" I think that's an important point I need to
clarify. She waits, so I continue "It's about Lindsay"
She nods like she was expecting that answer, and leans forward "What about
Lindsay?"
"Well…" I pause, because I'm honestly not sure how to phrase it, how to put
my fears into words. "She's regressing I guess"
She raises an eyebrow "In what way?"
"She's getting distant again, I think she's going back into her shell, I
don't know how to bring her out of it"
"And you think I can help you?"
"Well she talks to you" She nods "And so I thought, maybe you could tell me
what was wrong and how I could go about fixing it"
"Bobby" she fixes me with a direct stare "You know I can't do that. You're
a lawyer, you know that Doctor/Patient privilege is every bit as strong as
Attorney/Client privilege"
I really did know she was going to say that, but I figured it was worth a
try anyway "I just want to help her"
She nods "I understand that, but the answers you need aren't going to come
from me, they need to come from Lindsay"
"And if she won't talk to me?" I ask.
"Maybe you aren't trying hard enough"
Standing up, I give in to the urge to pace. "What more am I supposed to
do?"
"That's a good question" she says "What have you done so far?"
I frown at her "What do you mean?"
"Well" she says, looking up at me "She showed you her scars" I nod,
wondering what Lindsay's told this woman about that night. "How did that
make you feel?"
"Great" it was the first word out of my mouth, but then I think maybe it
wasn't the best choice "Umm, I mean…" I fumble trying to find something I
think will be more appropriate.
"It's okay, Bobby" she says, rescuing me "You were relieved"
I nod "Yes"
"And what did you do?"
I give her a puzzled look "What do you mean?"
"I mean, how did you react, this is obviously a big moment for both of you,
what did you do, what did you say?"
I pause for a moment thinking "I honestly don't remember what I said, I
guess I told her I loved her, I gave her a hug"
"And then?"
"We ahhh… we…." I know I'm blushing.
"You made love?" She says with a raised eyebrow.
I nod "Yes"
"And then?"
"And then what?"
"Did you talk?"
I falter, I know I should say yes, because standing here, playing back the
night, I know that's how it should have ended. But lying wont do anyone any
good "No"
"Why not?"
I recommence my pacing "I don't know, Lindsay seemed to want to go to
sleep, and she'd been through so much that day. She'd been to see you and
then showing me her scars…. I know how hard that was for her, so I didn't
want to push her"
"Was it hard for you?"
I stop walking and turn to face her "Why?"
"Well, seeing her scars, I can't imagine it was easy for you either?"
"No it was okay" she raises an eyebrow in question, so I clarify "I'd seen
them before. When I stayed over Lindsay liked to keep the room dark, but I
could still see them" I shrug "It seemed important to her so I never made a
deal out of it, but I already knew what they looked like"
She seems to accept that answer "And after that night? You say she's
regressing?"
"Yeah, I thought….." I trail off, collecting my thoughts
"What?"
"I thought things would be alright, we'd taken this big step and things
would just move on from there, then three nights later she wakes up
screaming from a nightmare, and I ask her what's wrong and she wont tell
me" I slump down into the chair in defeat "She's lying there in a cold
sweat, shaking, and she says it was nothing, that I should go back to
sleep"
"And you let it go at that?"
I nod, and she leans forward "Bobby do you think that maybe some of
Lindsay's reluctance to tell you what she's feeling, might come from the
fact that she knows you don't want to discuss it?"
I look at her surprised "You think this is my fault?"
"That's a good question, do you?"
"No" my answer has a definite defensive tone to it "Of course not"
She sits back "Why don't you lead me through the events of the stabbing,
from your perspective?"
I spring out of the chair again, and resume my pacing "You know I really
didn't come here to talk about me"
"No you came here to talk about Lindsay, but I can't help you with that. I
can however listen, if you feel there's something you need to talk through"
"I should go" I say, picking up my coat "This was a mistake"
"No Bobby" She stands as well "I don't think it was, do you really think
you're helping Lindsay by keeping everything inside, by thinking if you
don't discuss the problems they'll go away. I can tell you from experience
that that never works"
She stands there, gauging my reactions, and I sigh, and drop my coat back
over the chair "You know, there's not much I can tell you, I wasn't even
there"
"Where were you?" She asks, settling back into her chair.
I so don't want to relive that night again, the fear, the anxiety, the
guilt. I want to push it all away but I'm faced with the Doctors unwavering
stare, and there's nowhere to hide. "I was at the courthouse"
"You were running late?"
I want to say yes, I want to be able to blame everything on a case that ran
over, or bad traffic but I can't "No, I was killing time"
"Why"
I draw a deep breath, before continuing, I can feel my skin starting to get
clammy "Helen…. that's Lindsay's best friend, wanted us to go on a double
date, with some guy she just met, and I didn't want to go. I thought the
later I got there the less time we'd have to spend out" Her expression
remains neutral, and I'm glad, I don't think I could take a disapproving
look right now.
Regardless of that I turn and walk towards the window, the glass there has
this strange reflective quality to it, almost like a transparent mirror.
And I wonder if that's done on purpose, to force people to look at
themselves or if it's just one of life's ironies "I thought Lindsay might
be mad at me, but I was going to make up an excuse, so I stayed around for
about half an hour wasting time, and when I got to the office there she was
lying there….."
I can't look at myself anymore so instead I close my eyes, an image of
Lindsay lying in a pool of her own blood immediately comes to me, and I
snap them open again. It appears there really is nowhere to hide here. I
slowly turn around. Dr Hurley's regarding me quietly "What went through
your mind when you opened the door?"
"I thought she was dead" My voice is really hoarse, my throat dry. "I stood
there for a moment and I thought she must be dead, and then I saw her move,
so I rushed to her side and I called an ambulance…." I realise I'm holding
my hands out in front of me, face up and I look down at them, remembering
them covered with blood. "I put pressure on the wounds and waited for them
to arrive" I shake my head and drop my hands back to my sides. "The rest is
a blur"
"What else do you remember?" I give her a blank look and she prompts "The
recovery? It must have been slow, that can't have been easy for you either,
all that time at the hospital"
"I guess" I'm having trouble maintaining eye contact "I wasn't really there
that much"
"Why not?" I can hear the note of surprise that's crept into her voice. I
was expecting censure.
"I don't really do well in hospitals……. My mother died after a long battle
with cancer" I wave a hand absently in front of me "I don't really want to
discuss it"
She must sense my resolve on this issue, because she lets it drop. "Okay,
so what were you doing when you weren't at the hospital?"
"I was there" I clarify "Just not all the time, apart from that, I… I was
working" I shrug "And I was helping Helen locate the man responsible"
Author: Bron (bronwyn_00@excite.com)
Summary: Lindsay suffers the after effects of her stabbing.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to DEK and ABC
* * *
If wishing made it so.
Living is a complicated process. Far more complicated than I ever realised
before. It's strange how when life is going well, or even going as expected
you tend not to focus on the fact that living requires effort, it requires
a commitment. There are certain things you must do to stay alive, things
like eating, drinking, sleeping, these are mandatory requirements, but
that's not living that's existing.
Living requires other things, things like, interacting with others, setting
goals, feeling emotions. A person who can't feel emotions can never really
be considered alive can they? I mean they can walk, they can talk, they can
function but without the emotion behind all these actions to complete them
are they anything more than a shell? A vessel? A shadow of their former
self? When the numbness stretches to encompass all that they are, and all
that they used to be, is there even any reason for them to continue?
I ask these questions because I think it's very possible that that's the
person I've turned into. The one that doesn't care about life anymore.
Which is really strange when you think about it, because as a victim of a
violent crime, you'd think that I would care about life more, that having
come so close to death, literally feeling myself fading away, that now I'd
be embracing everything.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I stopping to smell the roses and watch
the children play in the parks? Why can't I take enjoyment from sunny days
or birds singing in the trees? Did I ever do that? If I did it's all a
distant memory now.
I know people are worried about me, my family, my friends. They don't
understand why I haven't bounced back faster than this. My physical wounds
have healed, but my psychological ones fester. I don't blame them it's not
their fault, I know I'm shutting them out. The truth is I'm too scared to
let them in, too scared to let them see the darkness and anger I have
stirring inside me. Mostly I'm too scared to let them see the fear. So
instead I show them indifference, I don't laugh at their jokes, I ignore
their attempts to include me in conversations, I distance myself. It's
easier to embrace the numbness than force myself to face the things that
I'm really feeling and make myself deal with it.
As much as I wish I could get back to the woman I was before the attack, I
fear that she's already drifted passed my reach, and not trying is easier
than failing, right? It's certainly easier to tell myself that. But I find
myself starting to wonder what it would take if I did make the effort, who
could make me understand what I'm feeling, who could help me deal with it
instead of tucking tail and running.
I'd like to think it would be Bobby, but to be honest I don't think he can
do that for me. Bobby is one of those people who likes to pretend problems
don't exist. If you ignore it for long enough then surely it'll go away.
I've tried that method I don't think it's working for me. I'd also like to
think I could talk to Helen or my parents but I don't think that would work
either, I don't think I could explain this new person I've become in a way
they could understand, I don't think I even want too.
But I know I need to talk to someone, I need to start somewhere, I know I
need help. I also think I know where to find it. During my senior year of
high school my parents were having marital problems and I started to feel
like my world was crashing down around me, my Mother got worried about me
and she sent me to this psychiatrist, Dr Hurley. At first I'd gone in there
belligerent and angry, determined that there was nothing she could do to
help me. She'd put up with my attitude and after a while I'd started to
unwind, I ended up telling her things I'd never thought I could share with
anyone else. She got me through a really bad point in my life. I stopped
going to see her when I got accepted into college, I'd felt stronger by
then, ready to face any challenges.
But I don't feel strong anymore and I think I might need her again.
* * *
I'm literally shaking as I knock on the door, and for the third time in as
many minutes I find myself fighting the urge to turn back around a leave, I
nearly do it too, but then the door opens and I'm ushered inside. Dr Hurley
is exactly as I remember her. She's aged since I've last seen her, but the
basic things, the warmth and caring I always associated with her remain the
same. It eases my tension slightly.
She smiles and I know she can tell how nervous I am as she leads me to a
chair and urges me to sit, before siting opposite me. She smiles warmly
"It's been a long time Lindsay"
I nod, I'm actually still a little surprised that she remembers me because
it has been so long. But then I guess I don't forget to many of my clients
either. "How are you're parents?" she asks me, after an awkward pause.
"They're good, they're divorced now"
She doesn't look surprised by that information, but instead leans forward
"Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"
"No….. No I'm okay with all of that, it was a while ago anyhow"
"Okay then, how can I help you?"
"I wanted too…… That is….." I wonder why it's so hard for me to open up to
this woman who used to know me so well, and I put it down to the fact that
I'm out of practice.
"You wanted to talk about the attack"
I look at her surprised "You know about that?"
"It was front page news" she says, nodding "I was very worried about you,
and happy when I'd gheard you'd pulled through"
"The jury's still out on that one" I say with a self-depreciating smile.
She nods in understanding "I read that they caught the man responsible,
that he's dead"
I take a deep breath because this is part of my problem "They think so,
they can't be sure it was him but Bobby seems pretty confident, he's sure
the police got the right guy"
"Bobby Donnell, your boss?"
"He's…" I reach down to fiddle with the ring on my finger "He's my fiancé.
He proposed to me when I was in hospital"
A small smile appears on her face "That sounds lovely, what else does Bobby
say?"
"That I should get past it, that I should move on and focus on other
things"
"Like the wedding?"
"Yeah, I guess. Bobby doesn't like to spend a lot of time looking back, he
prefers to focus on the future"
"But you can't?"
I shake my head, swallowing the lump that's become lodged in my throat
"No…. I'm having some trouble with that"
"That's not at all uncommon Lindsay, it would be more uncommon if you could
just put it aside without dealing with it. Your body suffered a severe
trauma, but so did your psyche, curing one doesn't necessarily cure the
other. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I nod, the lump expanding until I think I might choke on it. "I've been
having nightmares" I finally manage to say, my voice sounding raspy.
She stands and pours me a glass of water which I gratefully accept. After a
moment she asks "Can you tell me about them?"
"It's always the same one" I pause, drinking deeply, to steady my nerves
"I'm in the office by myself and I hear a noise at the door. I open it and
there's a man standing there, he's dressed in a Nun's outfit but I can't
see his face. All I can see is his hand"
"Why his hand?"
"Because he's holding a knife" If I close my eyes I'm sure I'll see the
glint of the blade so I focus on the doctor, I notice that she's picked up
a notebook and she's making notations as I speak.
She looks over at me "You don't mind do you? It helps me keep everything
clear" I shake my head, and she continues "You were telling me about the
knife?"
"The dream always ends the same, he lifts the knife and even though I can
see it coming towards me I can't seem to move, then he's stabbing me and I
can feel it. Every puncture…." I'm starting to visualise the words as I say
them so I take a deep breath to draw myself back "And then I wake up
screaming"
She waits while I calm down "How often do you have these nightmares,
Lindsay?"
"Not all the time, there's no set pattern" She doesn't comment, so I keep
talking "Maybe once a week or so"
"Do you know what triggers them?"
I shake my head "No…. I mean how could I?"
She's regarding me carefully "Are you sure? With cases like this there's
usually some sort of specific trigger. A taste, a smell, a sound, something
visual - like a colour"
I don't answer immediately, instead taking some time to consider "A smell……
There's this scent I think he was wearing, maybe some sort of cologne.
Sometimes I think I can smell it so clearly, and then the next instant it's
gone, and I'm sure I must have imagined it. I've brought it up a few times
but no-one else can ever seem to smell it, and I don't want to keep
mentioning it because….."
"Because you don't want them to think you're crazy?" she says, filling in
the blanks.
I nod, and take a moment to compose myself.
"What other people think of you is important?"
I know what she's trying to do here, she's changing the subject to give me
breathing room. "Sure" I reply "In my line of work it's important to build
a reputation. If people think you're cracking up they're not likely to want
to hire you"
"So you're afraid this will affect your work?"
"I think I'm afraid it already has been"
She makes a few notes and then leans forward "What do you mean?"
"Bobby, he's…. Well he's been screening the clients I take to make sure I'm
not handling any murder or attempted murder cases"
"Why do you think he's doing that?"
Her direct gaze is making me uncomfortable, so I stand and walk over to
look out the window "He's worried about me, I guess. He's trying to protect
me"
"Does he do that often?"
I can see my reflection in the window and wonder when I started to look so
old "Sometimes. More since the attack. He's paranoid about me going out
alone"
"Does he think you're going to get attacked again?"
"I don't know" I answer, turning around to face her and leaning against the
windowsill "I think he feels a little guilty because he was running late to
get me that night. He thinks if he'd gotten there earlier he could have
stopped it from happening"
"Do you think that?"
My eyebrows raise in surprise "Of course not"
"What else?"
I sigh and cross my arms in front of me, it's a defensive gesture I know
but one I'm helpless to prevent "I think he's worried about the nightmares"
"Do you talk to him about them?"
"No" I shake my head "It's hard to. Mostly I'm just trying to forget them
myself. I try to think of something else until they go away"
"And does that work for you?"
"Sometimes…… Sometimes better than others, but I usually find my mind
drifting back"
"To what?"
I push myself off the windowsill and take my time walking back to the
chair, because this is the part that I've been dreading mentioning "Death….
I find myself thinking about death a lot"
"About you dying?"
I nod, then clarify "About what would have happened if I had died. I mean I
was hurt really badly, by all accounts and purposes I should be dead right
now. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not"
"You think you should have died?" She puts her notebook down and focuses on
me intently.
"I wonder what the point is in surviving when I'm scared all the time. When
I yell at the people who care about me because I have all this anger inside
me for the person who did this too me, but I can't direct it at him, so I
turn on them instead" I place my hand over my stomach "I have scars that I
can't even look at, that I can't show other people"
"Not even Bobby?"
I shake my head "Especially not him"
"How do you manage that?"
I'm feeling emotion well up inside me, this is an area I hadn't planned to
talk about today. It doesn't surprise me that Dr Hurley's managed to get
there though. "It's always dark, on the nights he stays over with me, I
make sure it's dark, that the lights are off"
"And he's alright with that?"
I shrug "He's tried to bring it up a couple of times, but when I say I
don't want to talk about it he usually lets it go. I think he's afraid of
pushing me too far"
"Why are you keeping your scars from him Lindsay? What don't you want him
to see?"
I swallow at the new lump now residing in my throat but I'm less successful
this time at stopping the tears "The fear" Dr Hurley reaches over and hands
me a tissue, then waits patiently for me to continue. "When I look at the
scars they're like a window….. An opening that this person used to take
something from me, something really important and I'm afraid I'll never get
it back."
She picks up the pad and makes some more notes "Do you know what it was?"
I shrug "My confidence… My belief in myself." I take a deep breath and
stare at the floral arrangement on her coffee table "When I was eight or
nine I watched this animated movie about a little boy who found a genie and
he was granted three wishes. I used to spend hours thinking about what I'd
wish for if I had three wishes."
She seems intrigued by my story "What were your wishes?"
"Well I wanted to go to Disneyland….. And I really wished my brother had
been born a girl, because I was sure a sister would have been so much more
fun…." I trail off and look at her sheepishly "I was eight" I say by way of
explanation.
She nods, and I can see the amusement in her eyes. "What about the third
wish?"
"I never chose a third wish, I knew whatever that one was it had to be
something really big, really special. I wanted to save it, to hold onto it
until I could figure out what that would be." I shrug "And then I forgot
about the movie, and the wishes weren't important anymore"
"They're important now?"
I reach for the glass of water again, and take another large swallow,
before setting the glass back "If I had that third wish now, I'd wish that
I was whole again, that I could walk into a room and not be terrified. That
I could sleep through the night without any bad dreams. That I could
remember what if felt like to laugh."
"And you don't think you can achieve those things on your own?"
"I used to think if I worked hard enough that there was nothing I couldn't
achieve on my own. Now I'm not so sure"
She sets the notepad aside again "Would you like to know what I think?"
"Sure"
"I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for Lindsay. You
suffered a traumatic experience and you survived it. But I think that's
only half the battle, you need to start letting the people you love back
into your life. And you need to start with Bobby. Show him your scars, not
just the ones there" she says, pointing to my midsection "But the ones up
here as well" she reaches up and taps her own skull "You need to start
letting people in"
I take a deep breath "It's hard"
She nods in understanding "The most importing things often are"
Just then the buzzer sounds indicating the end of my session, we both stand
and she hold out her hand to shake mine. "You've made some real progress
here today Lindsay, will you come back to see me?"
I nod "Yes"
"And will you take my advice?" I continue nodding and she smiles
"Excellent, well I'll see you next time"
She walks me to the door and waves as I exit. When I get outside I notice
that the sun is shining, and I think if I listen really carefully beneath
the sound of the passing traffic I may just be able to hear the birds
singing in the trees.
* * *
It's already dark by the time Bobby arrives at his apartment, he looks
surprised to see me, but also happy.
"Hi" He says leaning down to kiss me "I thought you'd be at your place, I
was going to give you a call to see how it went"
I can see the worry in his eyes, he knew I was going to talk to the doctor
today, I can tell it's been something he's been thinking about. I look
around the kitchen at the meal I've prepared, and realise I don't want to
put this off any longer. He's still looking at me waiting for an answer, so
I summon all of my courage and take his hand in mine.
My voice is a little rusty when I speak, but it's steady "Can you come with
me for a moment, there's something I need to show you?"
He looks surprised but he nods "Sure"
My grasp on his hand tightens as I lead him into the bedroom, the lights
are off and the room is dark and for a moment I really want to keep it that
way, but I know I cant. With an unsteady hand I reach over and flip the
light switch.
"Lindsay?" Bobby's looking at me uncertainly.
I let go of his hand and walk a couple of paces away, before turning back
to face him. When I speak it's softly and I keep my eyes trained on his
chest "I talked to Dr Hurley today"
"How did it go?" I can here the concern in his voice, and I wonder how I
could have excluded him for so long.
"It went well…. I'm going to go back, but I feel better after talking to
her"
"I'm glad" I look up because I can hear something in his tone of voice,
when I look into his eyes they're filled with relief, but also with traces
of hurt.
"I wanted to talk to you Bobby, but I couldn't" I watch as the hurt
deepens.
"Why not?"
It's a perfectly reasonable question, but not one I have and easy answer
for. "For the same reason I've been hiding my scars" he waits for me to
continue and after a moment I do "Because I was afraid if I let you see me
to closely you'd realise I wasn't the person you fell in love with, and
that you might turn away, I wasn't sure I could handle that"
"You think I'd think that if I saw your scars? You think I'd do that to
you?"
"I was afraid of it?"
"Why? Lindsay what have I done to give you the impression that that's how
I'd react?" I can hear a note of anger mingling with the hurt and I cant
find any reason blame him for it.
"Because when I looked at them all I saw was this ugliness and anger I had
building inside me"
I watch him take a deep breath as if to steady himself, and when he speaks
this time his voice is calm "Do you want to know what I think I'd see if I
looked at your scars?"
I nod, unable to answer "If you showed them to me I think I'd see them as
evidence that you're alive and that you're here with me. How could I see
ugliness in that?" He reaches out to rest his hand on my cheek, urging me
to look at him "I'm not going anywhere Lindsay, you can push all you want
but I'm not going away"
Tears well up in my eyes and I can't look away "I'm sorry Bobby, I should
have trusted you more." I lift my hand to cover his where it's still
resting on my cheek "I want to show you now" I say, and then draw a deep
breath "No, I need to show you now"
He nods and I drop my hand and step back, sinking onto the side of the bed.
My strength is deserting me but I'm determined to follow through. I'm
wearing one of his old Boston University t-shirts and I reach down grabbing
hold of the hem and drawing it slowly over my head. It takes me a moment to
summon the courage to look at him, but I finally slide my gaze up to meet
his.
When he looks at me there are tears in his eyes, and as he steps closer to
me I have to fight the urge to cover myself. As if he knows what I'm
thinking he reaches out an takes the shirt out of my grasp before sinking
to his knees directly in front of me. I can't seem to move as he places
both hands on my sides and leans down and places a light kiss on my
stomach. I jolt a little at the contact but he holds me steady as he moves
his lips down the incision made by the doctors and then one by one over the
puncture marks made by the knife. It's as if he's committing each one to
memory.
When he lifts his head the tears are still glistening and his eyes are
filled with such sadness and love that it takes my breath away.
"I'm sorry you felt you couldn't share this with me before" he says as the
first tear slides down his cheek "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed
me to be"
I lean forward until my forehead is resting against his, and hold onto him
tightly, absorbing some of his strength. "I'm sorry I kept you out" I say
"I should have done this sooner"
He nods and pulls me even closer, and this time I rest my head on his
shoulder. "Maybe we should just start over" he says. "We can move in the
same direction this time"
I smile against his shoulder, my first real smile in longer than I care to
remember, and I clutch him tightly "I'd like that."
If wishes were horses
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I feel uncomfortable, like I'm out of my element. When I'm in the
courtroom, I know what to say, and how to act, but I have no experience in
a doctors office. No safety net. Do I sit? Do I stand? Do I pace? I feel
like doing all three at the same time, which isn't possible, so I settle
for sitting and fidgeting a lot. It's a good compromise.
Doctor Hurley sits across from me, an air of calmness in contrast to my
edginess. She wears an expression of understanding that's kind of
comforting. If I needed a Doctor (which for the record I don't) I guess
she'd be a good one to choose. It's kind of reassuring to me that she's
looking after Lindsay.
"Bobby" she says, with that New England accent that only people who've
lived here their entire lives ever really perfect, "You should calm down, I
won't hurt you"
I look around the room again "I know, I'm sorry, I'm just…."
"Uncomfortable?" she says "Out of you're element?" What, is the woman a
mind reader? If anything the thought of that just serves to make me even
more uneasy. "This is your first time with a psychiatrist?" I nod "Well why
don't you take a deep breath and tell me why you're here"
Maybe she can't read minds after all, I take the breath she recommended
"I'm not here about me" I think that's an important point I need to
clarify. She waits, so I continue "It's about Lindsay"
She nods like she was expecting that answer, and leans forward "What about
Lindsay?"
"Well…" I pause, because I'm honestly not sure how to phrase it, how to put
my fears into words. "She's regressing I guess"
She raises an eyebrow "In what way?"
"She's getting distant again, I think she's going back into her shell, I
don't know how to bring her out of it"
"And you think I can help you?"
"Well she talks to you" She nods "And so I thought, maybe you could tell me
what was wrong and how I could go about fixing it"
"Bobby" she fixes me with a direct stare "You know I can't do that. You're
a lawyer, you know that Doctor/Patient privilege is every bit as strong as
Attorney/Client privilege"
I really did know she was going to say that, but I figured it was worth a
try anyway "I just want to help her"
She nods "I understand that, but the answers you need aren't going to come
from me, they need to come from Lindsay"
"And if she won't talk to me?" I ask.
"Maybe you aren't trying hard enough"
Standing up, I give in to the urge to pace. "What more am I supposed to
do?"
"That's a good question" she says "What have you done so far?"
I frown at her "What do you mean?"
"Well" she says, looking up at me "She showed you her scars" I nod,
wondering what Lindsay's told this woman about that night. "How did that
make you feel?"
"Great" it was the first word out of my mouth, but then I think maybe it
wasn't the best choice "Umm, I mean…" I fumble trying to find something I
think will be more appropriate.
"It's okay, Bobby" she says, rescuing me "You were relieved"
I nod "Yes"
"And what did you do?"
I give her a puzzled look "What do you mean?"
"I mean, how did you react, this is obviously a big moment for both of you,
what did you do, what did you say?"
I pause for a moment thinking "I honestly don't remember what I said, I
guess I told her I loved her, I gave her a hug"
"And then?"
"We ahhh… we…." I know I'm blushing.
"You made love?" She says with a raised eyebrow.
I nod "Yes"
"And then?"
"And then what?"
"Did you talk?"
I falter, I know I should say yes, because standing here, playing back the
night, I know that's how it should have ended. But lying wont do anyone any
good "No"
"Why not?"
I recommence my pacing "I don't know, Lindsay seemed to want to go to
sleep, and she'd been through so much that day. She'd been to see you and
then showing me her scars…. I know how hard that was for her, so I didn't
want to push her"
"Was it hard for you?"
I stop walking and turn to face her "Why?"
"Well, seeing her scars, I can't imagine it was easy for you either?"
"No it was okay" she raises an eyebrow in question, so I clarify "I'd seen
them before. When I stayed over Lindsay liked to keep the room dark, but I
could still see them" I shrug "It seemed important to her so I never made a
deal out of it, but I already knew what they looked like"
She seems to accept that answer "And after that night? You say she's
regressing?"
"Yeah, I thought….." I trail off, collecting my thoughts
"What?"
"I thought things would be alright, we'd taken this big step and things
would just move on from there, then three nights later she wakes up
screaming from a nightmare, and I ask her what's wrong and she wont tell
me" I slump down into the chair in defeat "She's lying there in a cold
sweat, shaking, and she says it was nothing, that I should go back to
sleep"
"And you let it go at that?"
I nod, and she leans forward "Bobby do you think that maybe some of
Lindsay's reluctance to tell you what she's feeling, might come from the
fact that she knows you don't want to discuss it?"
I look at her surprised "You think this is my fault?"
"That's a good question, do you?"
"No" my answer has a definite defensive tone to it "Of course not"
She sits back "Why don't you lead me through the events of the stabbing,
from your perspective?"
I spring out of the chair again, and resume my pacing "You know I really
didn't come here to talk about me"
"No you came here to talk about Lindsay, but I can't help you with that. I
can however listen, if you feel there's something you need to talk through"
"I should go" I say, picking up my coat "This was a mistake"
"No Bobby" She stands as well "I don't think it was, do you really think
you're helping Lindsay by keeping everything inside, by thinking if you
don't discuss the problems they'll go away. I can tell you from experience
that that never works"
She stands there, gauging my reactions, and I sigh, and drop my coat back
over the chair "You know, there's not much I can tell you, I wasn't even
there"
"Where were you?" She asks, settling back into her chair.
I so don't want to relive that night again, the fear, the anxiety, the
guilt. I want to push it all away but I'm faced with the Doctors unwavering
stare, and there's nowhere to hide. "I was at the courthouse"
"You were running late?"
I want to say yes, I want to be able to blame everything on a case that ran
over, or bad traffic but I can't "No, I was killing time"
"Why"
I draw a deep breath, before continuing, I can feel my skin starting to get
clammy "Helen…. that's Lindsay's best friend, wanted us to go on a double
date, with some guy she just met, and I didn't want to go. I thought the
later I got there the less time we'd have to spend out" Her expression
remains neutral, and I'm glad, I don't think I could take a disapproving
look right now.
Regardless of that I turn and walk towards the window, the glass there has
this strange reflective quality to it, almost like a transparent mirror.
And I wonder if that's done on purpose, to force people to look at
themselves or if it's just one of life's ironies "I thought Lindsay might
be mad at me, but I was going to make up an excuse, so I stayed around for
about half an hour wasting time, and when I got to the office there she was
lying there….."
I can't look at myself anymore so instead I close my eyes, an image of
Lindsay lying in a pool of her own blood immediately comes to me, and I
snap them open again. It appears there really is nowhere to hide here. I
slowly turn around. Dr Hurley's regarding me quietly "What went through
your mind when you opened the door?"
"I thought she was dead" My voice is really hoarse, my throat dry. "I stood
there for a moment and I thought she must be dead, and then I saw her move,
so I rushed to her side and I called an ambulance…." I realise I'm holding
my hands out in front of me, face up and I look down at them, remembering
them covered with blood. "I put pressure on the wounds and waited for them
to arrive" I shake my head and drop my hands back to my sides. "The rest is
a blur"
"What else do you remember?" I give her a blank look and she prompts "The
recovery? It must have been slow, that can't have been easy for you either,
all that time at the hospital"
"I guess" I'm having trouble maintaining eye contact "I wasn't really there
that much"
"Why not?" I can hear the note of surprise that's crept into her voice. I
was expecting censure.
"I don't really do well in hospitals……. My mother died after a long battle
with cancer" I wave a hand absently in front of me "I don't really want to
discuss it"
She must sense my resolve on this issue, because she lets it drop. "Okay,
so what were you doing when you weren't at the hospital?"
"I was there" I clarify "Just not all the time, apart from that, I… I was
working" I shrug "And I was helping Helen locate the man responsible"
