AN: I wrote this when I was in 7th grade. Seriously. Don't worry, I've improved since then. Go read another one of my stories *evil laugh*

Disclaimer: I am violating copyright laws. FUN, isn't it? Go away.

EVIL WORDS
Muahahahah!!!!!!!

SCENE ONE
COSMIC DISCO
MIDNIGHT

(People are dancing. Half of the people in the room are also drunk! So people are dancing and they're drunk!! Isn't that against the law or something? Oops.....)

FRED: Hahahaha!!! I had too much to drink!! And I'm holding a knife!! Isn't that dumb? But hey, I'm a killer! I'm not supposed to have a brain!!

JANE: Hey Fred, why are you carrying a knife?? You're drunk!!

FRED: I don't know!!! It's just there!!! And I didn't actually drink anything, and I'm drunk!! Isn't that weird? Hey, don't fall on the knife. It hurts when stuff hits you.

JANE: Really? Cool!! Oh no!! I'm falling on the knife!! NOOO!!!! PAIN!!!! AUGHH!!!!

(Jane falls on knife)

FRED: Aw crap!! That wasn't even my fault!! Hey she's here bleeding on the floor gasping her killer's name!! Better leave!! Bye Jane!!!

SCENE TWO
THE OFFICE OF MULDER AND SCULLY
9:00 AM

(Mulder is throwing pencils at ceiling. Scully walks in)

Scully: Mulder, why are you throwing pencils at the ceiling??? I thought you got over that a long time ago!!!

Mulder: (hides pencils in drawer) You saw no pencils... it was um.... uh..... sugar packets!! Yeah!! That's it!!! OHMIGOD!! SUGAR!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!! SAMANTHA!!! AUGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay, Mulder.

Mulder: NO IT'S NOT!!!! IT'S NEVER OKAY!!!

Scully: Here ya go Mulder! (Hands Mulder cup of cinnamon coffee) Drink up!!!

Mulder: AUUGHHH---(takes coffee and drinks it) Hee hee... cinnamon!

Scully: So, Mulder, what's the case for today?

Mulder: Um... some girl was found in a disco with a knife in her back. She was bleeding.

Scully: (sarcastically) REALLY, Mulder? I didn't know people BLED when they got STABBED. Hey I know! Let's go bowling!

Mulder: Okay!

(They skip off happily to go bowling)

SCENE THREE
DUMPSTER AKA DIANA FOWLEY'S APARTMENT
THREE MINUTES LATER

(The Foul One is sitting on a box in her apartment. There is trash all over the floor, and various vodka bottles)

TFO: Hey, how did this vodka bottle get here? I don't remember drinking anything but I'm drunk! That's weird....

(Knock at door)
TFO: It must be Mulder, come to show his true feelings for me!!!

(TFO opens door)

TFO: Oh great... not you again.

CSM: (takes long drag on cigarette) We must find Mulder.

TFO: Why????

CSM: We just do!! Don't ask questions....(mutters under breath) Ditz.

TFO: I heard that!! And it's not true!! I have rights too!!!

CSM: Sure ya do. *cough cough* We must act quickly!

SCENE FOUR
BOWLING ALLEY
THREE MINUTES LATER

(Mulder and Scully are bowling. All of a sudden, TFO appears out of nowhere)

TFO: (way too sweetly) Hi Mulder!!! I knew you loved me!

Mulder: What the heck are you doing here??? Go away!! Your cheap perfume is making me sick!

TFO: Hey, what's this? (picks up a bowling ball) Hey it's heavy!! I wonder what will happen if I drop this on my foot?

SCULLY: Go ahead and try it. Scientific experiments are always good.

TFO: Yeah! Sientfic Spearment!!

MULDER: Don't drop the ball on your foot. It hurts when stuff hits you.

TFO: Really? Cool!! (drops ball on foot) AUGHH!! OWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!! PAIN!!!! (passes out)

SCULLY: There ya go Mulder. Christmas present from me to you.

MULDER: Thanks Scully!!! Hey, let's go and check out the girl that bleeds!

SCULLY: Okay!

SCENE FIVE
COSMIC DISCO
THREE MINUTES LATER

(The disco is deserted except for one guy standing forlornly where Jane was)

MULDER: Were you here on the 32 of November at 25:00?

FRED: Yeah... why?

SCULLY: We're FBI Agents

FRED: You're not FBI Agents!!

MULDER: And why is that?

FRED: Cuz you look like Avon Salespeople! Hey, can I buy one of those ceramic clowns? My grandma collects them.

MULDER: We don't have those.

FRED: Then you must be FBI agents!! I didn't do it!!! The cat didn't move!!! I tried to stop it but it didn't move!!!

SCULLY: What?

FRED: Nothing. So why are you questioning me? What did I do this time??

MULDER: We're investigating the death of Jane Dough.

FRED: Oh yeah.. her... I DIDN't DO IT!!!

SCULLY: It's okay Fred. Want some Mentos?

FRED: Sure!! (eats some Mentos) Hey, I feel dizzy!! Ha ha! Kinda like when Jane fell on the knife!!! Hee hee!! Hey... waitasecond!!

SCULLY: Truth serum. Works every time.

SCENE FIVE
McRONALDS
THREE MINUTES LATER

(Mulder, Scully, and Fred are sitting at a table. Fred is drunk, although he didn't drink anything. Isn't that weird?)

FRED: (laughing uncontrollably) So then I sez to him, no that's not my monkey!! So then he sez, that's got to be your monkey!! You chopped off it's nose yesterday!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

SCULLY; (rolls eyes) This kid needs to be put to sleep.

MULDER: Hey, isn't that Fowley?

(Fowley and CSM walk in)

TFO: (walks over to the table) WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CHILD???

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If you think *this* is bad, wait till you read the next part..