AN: I know getting the bubonic plague isn't as simple as I have it depicted here. Shoot me. I was in 7th grade when I wrote this.
PLAGUE
PART TWO
SCENE ONE
THE MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB
NOON
(MS is dancing around lab, when all of a sudden, he trips over Diana's dead
body)
MS: Ohmygod!! That bimbo sniffed the plague!! All those years of research
just went down the hole!! Great!! Now I'll be blamed for another death! And
this time, it wasn't even my fault! I've got no choice but to revive her and
extract the plague from her system. I'm gonna hate myself for this.....
SCENE TWO
FBI CAFETERIA
NOON
(Mulder and Scully are sitting at a lunch table. Mulder is nervously poking
his lunch with a fork, seeing if it is alive. Scully is doing an autopsy on a
fish stick)
Scully: Mulder, this fish is artificial!
Mulder: (laughs) Fish!! Artificial!! Get it Scully? Hahahahahaha!!!!
Scully: Um, sure Mulder.
(Mulder's cell phone rings)
Mulder: Well, at least I can know in peace that after that lovely vacation in
Bermuda, that Diana will never call me!!
(picks up phone) Hello?
TFO: Mulderrr!!!
Mulder: D'OH!!!
TFO: (sugary sweet diabetic coma voice) Oh Mulder, I knew that we were always
meant to be together!!! I love you Mulder!!! I really do!!!
Mulder: (really disgusted) Is that all?? I have BETTER things to DO you KNOW,
unlike YOU who has NOTHING to do but CALL ME on the PHONE and DECLARE your
LOVE for ME even though you KNOW that I HATE your GUTS. Even MORE than that!
TFO: So that's a yes, right?
Mulder: (even more disgusted) Go off with your boyfriend CSM or something.
(punches off button on cellphone)
Scully: (raises her eyebrows and sings) It's the return, of The Fowl One...
it's the interplanetary death way...
Mulder: How did she un-kill herself...
(M&S at same time)
THE MAD SCIENTIST!!!
SCENE THREE
MAD SCIENTIST'S PLACE
ONE O' CLOCK
(Scully knocks on door. MS opens it)
MS: Hey, if this is about the cow carcass laying in the middle of the subway
track.. that wasn't entirley my fault.
Mulder: What?
MS: (quickly) Nothing! So, what can I do to help you?
Scully: Um, we're looking for a certian bimbo. You may recognize her from
such posters as "Throw her away" and "How not to raise your child".
MS: Oh yeah.. her.. well.. umm...
Mulder: (angrily grabs MS by the shirt) Where is she??!!?!??
MS: You *want* to find her and HELP her????
Mulder: Nah.. I just wanna find her and torture her.
MS: Oh yeah. Well. I needed the plague, so I had to revive her and draw it
out of her system.
Scully: Oh, so all we have to catch is the bimbo, right?
MS: Not so easy. If you will follow me, then I will explain. (walks into lab
part. M&S follow)
MS: (walks up to computer console) Okay now. First I need to enter the code.
(punches buttons. nothing happens)
Scully:.. umm....
MS: (kicks computer) Piece of K-Mart crap! I should never go discount
shopping again!! AUgh!
Mulder: So, does that mean that you can't tell us what's wrong with her? I
mean, that's okay.
MS: Noo.. the computer console part was just something I threw in there to
make it look like I was actually doing work instead of sitting on my butt all
day and staring at the ceiling... but yeah. I can still tell you.
Scully: Well?
MS: She has two actually. She has tics all over her body. She's kinda...
twitchy...and she's itching. All over.
Mulder: (rolls on the floor laughing) Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!Ticks!!!
Hee heheheheheeee!!!
Scully: No Mulder, not those ticks.
Mulder (stops laughing and looks up at her.) Awww... darnit. I know!! Maybe
aliens did it!! Oh my gosh!! ALIENS!!! SAMANTHA!!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!!
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!
Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder,
it's okay Mulder.
Mulder: Okay. (stands up) Let's go find the ditz.
Scully: Okay!
SCENE FOUR
TICK TOCK, IT'S THREE O' CLOCK, MOM IS GETTING DRUNK...OOPS.
CROWDED STREETS OF HAWAII
(Mulder and Scully are dodging Japanese tourists wearing loud Hawaiian shirts
and cameras around their necks left and right)
Scully: How did we get here? We didn't even take a plane!
Mulder: I dunno.. but I thought that commerical for Hostess Cupcakes was
funny.
Scully: Hey, there's a woman who's twitching!! All over! That must be Diana!
Mulder: Let's go throw rocks at her!
Scully: Okay!
(Mulder and Scully spend five minutes looking for rocks and then realize in
dismay that kids have already thrown all the rocks at Diana.)
Scully: Well... I guess we'll just have to go and talk to her.
(They walk over to Diana, who is madly twitching and scratching her arm like
there is no tomorrow)
TFO: What???!?!??? Oh Mulder! It's you! I knew you loved me!!!
Mulder: No. You need to stop spreading this itching virus around people....
you're making them uncomfortable.
TFO: But don' t you love me????? I love you Mulder!!!
Mulder: (yawns) That's nice Diana. Hey, Scully! Wanna get a milkshake?
Scully: Okay!
(Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset)
TFO: Aww.. they left me here again!!! Hey.. stop taking pictues of me!!
What's your problem??? Stop!! Quit it!! STOP!!
(TFO cringes into the fetal position while she is repetedly flash-blinded by
the flashes of cameras of the Japanese tourists)
TFO: NOOOO!!!!!! I'll..... be..... back.......
(TFO dies)
(Music plays. Happy polka music. Floats and parades start coming down the
street. People are carrying banners that say "Celebrate Diana Death Day!" The
happiness lasts for many, many, minutes.)
Scully: Hey Mulder, wanna go to McDonalds?
Mulder: Sure!!
(They happily stroll out into the night....past many flying saucers which
Mulder of course, never notices)
THE END!!
PLAGUE
PART TWO
SCENE ONE
THE MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB
NOON
(MS is dancing around lab, when all of a sudden, he trips over Diana's dead
body)
MS: Ohmygod!! That bimbo sniffed the plague!! All those years of research
just went down the hole!! Great!! Now I'll be blamed for another death! And
this time, it wasn't even my fault! I've got no choice but to revive her and
extract the plague from her system. I'm gonna hate myself for this.....
SCENE TWO
FBI CAFETERIA
NOON
(Mulder and Scully are sitting at a lunch table. Mulder is nervously poking
his lunch with a fork, seeing if it is alive. Scully is doing an autopsy on a
fish stick)
Scully: Mulder, this fish is artificial!
Mulder: (laughs) Fish!! Artificial!! Get it Scully? Hahahahahaha!!!!
Scully: Um, sure Mulder.
(Mulder's cell phone rings)
Mulder: Well, at least I can know in peace that after that lovely vacation in
Bermuda, that Diana will never call me!!
(picks up phone) Hello?
TFO: Mulderrr!!!
Mulder: D'OH!!!
TFO: (sugary sweet diabetic coma voice) Oh Mulder, I knew that we were always
meant to be together!!! I love you Mulder!!! I really do!!!
Mulder: (really disgusted) Is that all?? I have BETTER things to DO you KNOW,
unlike YOU who has NOTHING to do but CALL ME on the PHONE and DECLARE your
LOVE for ME even though you KNOW that I HATE your GUTS. Even MORE than that!
TFO: So that's a yes, right?
Mulder: (even more disgusted) Go off with your boyfriend CSM or something.
(punches off button on cellphone)
Scully: (raises her eyebrows and sings) It's the return, of The Fowl One...
it's the interplanetary death way...
Mulder: How did she un-kill herself...
(M&S at same time)
THE MAD SCIENTIST!!!
SCENE THREE
MAD SCIENTIST'S PLACE
ONE O' CLOCK
(Scully knocks on door. MS opens it)
MS: Hey, if this is about the cow carcass laying in the middle of the subway
track.. that wasn't entirley my fault.
Mulder: What?
MS: (quickly) Nothing! So, what can I do to help you?
Scully: Um, we're looking for a certian bimbo. You may recognize her from
such posters as "Throw her away" and "How not to raise your child".
MS: Oh yeah.. her.. well.. umm...
Mulder: (angrily grabs MS by the shirt) Where is she??!!?!??
MS: You *want* to find her and HELP her????
Mulder: Nah.. I just wanna find her and torture her.
MS: Oh yeah. Well. I needed the plague, so I had to revive her and draw it
out of her system.
Scully: Oh, so all we have to catch is the bimbo, right?
MS: Not so easy. If you will follow me, then I will explain. (walks into lab
part. M&S follow)
MS: (walks up to computer console) Okay now. First I need to enter the code.
(punches buttons. nothing happens)
Scully:.. umm....
MS: (kicks computer) Piece of K-Mart crap! I should never go discount
shopping again!! AUgh!
Mulder: So, does that mean that you can't tell us what's wrong with her? I
mean, that's okay.
MS: Noo.. the computer console part was just something I threw in there to
make it look like I was actually doing work instead of sitting on my butt all
day and staring at the ceiling... but yeah. I can still tell you.
Scully: Well?
MS: She has two actually. She has tics all over her body. She's kinda...
twitchy...and she's itching. All over.
Mulder: (rolls on the floor laughing) Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!Ticks!!!
Hee heheheheheeee!!!
Scully: No Mulder, not those ticks.
Mulder (stops laughing and looks up at her.) Awww... darnit. I know!! Maybe
aliens did it!! Oh my gosh!! ALIENS!!! SAMANTHA!!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!!
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!
Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder,
it's okay Mulder.
Mulder: Okay. (stands up) Let's go find the ditz.
Scully: Okay!
SCENE FOUR
TICK TOCK, IT'S THREE O' CLOCK, MOM IS GETTING DRUNK...OOPS.
CROWDED STREETS OF HAWAII
(Mulder and Scully are dodging Japanese tourists wearing loud Hawaiian shirts
and cameras around their necks left and right)
Scully: How did we get here? We didn't even take a plane!
Mulder: I dunno.. but I thought that commerical for Hostess Cupcakes was
funny.
Scully: Hey, there's a woman who's twitching!! All over! That must be Diana!
Mulder: Let's go throw rocks at her!
Scully: Okay!
(Mulder and Scully spend five minutes looking for rocks and then realize in
dismay that kids have already thrown all the rocks at Diana.)
Scully: Well... I guess we'll just have to go and talk to her.
(They walk over to Diana, who is madly twitching and scratching her arm like
there is no tomorrow)
TFO: What???!?!??? Oh Mulder! It's you! I knew you loved me!!!
Mulder: No. You need to stop spreading this itching virus around people....
you're making them uncomfortable.
TFO: But don' t you love me????? I love you Mulder!!!
Mulder: (yawns) That's nice Diana. Hey, Scully! Wanna get a milkshake?
Scully: Okay!
(Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset)
TFO: Aww.. they left me here again!!! Hey.. stop taking pictues of me!!
What's your problem??? Stop!! Quit it!! STOP!!
(TFO cringes into the fetal position while she is repetedly flash-blinded by
the flashes of cameras of the Japanese tourists)
TFO: NOOOO!!!!!! I'll..... be..... back.......
(TFO dies)
(Music plays. Happy polka music. Floats and parades start coming down the
street. People are carrying banners that say "Celebrate Diana Death Day!" The
happiness lasts for many, many, minutes.)
Scully: Hey Mulder, wanna go to McDonalds?
Mulder: Sure!!
(They happily stroll out into the night....past many flying saucers which
Mulder of course, never notices)
THE END!!
