TABLOID CONSPIRATORS: PART TWO
ON THE PLANE
(Mulder and Scully are being blinded by a flash when all of a sudden--)
Annoyed Voice: Jenny, put the flashlight down NOW!
Jenny: Sorry mom.. BUT WHY?
Mom: Because I SAID SO! Now hurry up before I shove your head into the airplane toilet!
(They run off)
Mulder: Darn. I thought it was an alien that would give us clues and abduct us and take us to some pretty foreign planet and make us plant daises and tulips and, and.. and...
Scully: How about, no, Mulder?
Mulder: Okay. I think we can get off the plane now.
Captain: YOU have REACHED MEMPHIS, TenneSSEE! WELCOME to the LAND of ELVIS and SUCH. THANKS for FLYING with NORTHWEST AirLINES even THOUGH you PROBABLY didn't have a CHOICE! Get OFF the PLANE before it SELF-DESTRUCTS!
HAHAHAHAA!! NOW I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND--
(Everybody looks to the front of the plane)
Captain: Uh.. you DIDn't HEAR THAT.. HeHeHE.
(Everybody runs off the plane)
TEN MINUTES OR SO LATER
(Mulder and Scully are standing in front of a Starbucks with confused expressions on their faces)
Scully: Why are we here, Mulder? I'm sure that the Ghost of Elvis didn't frequent Starbucks very often.
(Mulder grins evilly at Scully)
Mulder: Actually, he did. Lisa Liysalot comes to this Starbucks every morning and orders the exact same thing. She reported that the Ghost of Elvis attacked her and demanded that all of those stupid movies he was forced to make in the last century be burned and erased from everybody's minds.
(Scully raises her eyebrows and sighs)
Scully: Are you sure she isn't "on something", Mulder? Has anybody else reported Ghost of Elvis sightings? Or was Ms. Liysalot the only one? If that's the case, Mulder, then it seems that she's either making up the story or we're in--
(Scully is cut off by eerie music)
Voice: The Twilight Zone...
(Mulder glares up at the voice)
Mulder: Shut up! We don't care! (he calms down slightly) Let's go find Lisa Liysalot.
MAC FONALD'S
FIFTEEN HUNDRED HOURS
OR THREE 'O CLOCK PM TO THOSE WHO DON'T DO MILITARY TIME
(Mulder and Scully enter a typical fast-food restaurant, except this one is worse. Cockroaches are crawling everywhere, and the whole place smells odd.
Lisa Liysalot is wearing a boring grey outfit and looks like someone who hangs around bars way too much.)
Mulder: Um, Ms. Liysalot, is it correct that you visit the Starbucks on the corner of 22nd street and Main every morning?
Lisa: (speaks in an odd, mixed-up accent) Thart's roight, Meester Soot. Wot ees it you warnt frum me?
Mulder: Ms. Liysalot, for the thirteenth time, it's Agent Mulder.
Lisa: Ooh Meester Soout. Soary. Yees, I goo to dat Stoorbocks eevree moarneeng.
Scully: Have you ever seen the Ghost of Elvis at this Starbucks?
(Lisa Liysalot jumps up on the table and yells loudly)
Lisa: OOH! OOH! That EES ROIGHT MEES SOOT! I seen thees Elvees aht Stoobocks eevree moarneeng. That ees roight!
Mulder: Okay. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Lisa: Ooh.. I dun know, meester soout. Soary.
Scully: (whispering to Mulder) All we've gotten from this woman is that she's seen Elvis every morning at Starbucks. (To Ms. Liysalot) Do you know if any other people claim to have seen the Ghost of Elvis at that Starbucks?
Lisa: Nough, soary Mees Soot. Gouhh to Stoobocks and ahsk.
Mulder: Thanks for your help, Ms. Liysalot.
Lisa: Noguh porblem, Meester Soout.
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright.... let's go.
(They run away from the odd woman, slipping on several cockroaches as they go.)
UNDEFINED LOCATION
UNDEFINED TIME
UNDEFINED UNDEFINED
(A scary dark object is moving around, doing things that scary dark objects do. All of a sudden, a door opens and light pours into the room)
Some Guy: Dude, where's my ice cream cone? I ordered that thing fifteen minutes ago and it still isn't ready? What kind of place is this? I want my money back! I have rights too! I demand--
(He's cut off when the scary dark object grabs him and starts slashing him into fishsticks. His screams echo, but are never heard. However, the screams turn into giggles as an Elvis song drifts into the room. The Elvis song is oddly distorted, sounding like Barney singing it. The lights dim, and everything goes black.)
THREE HOURS LATER
(Agents are milling around, wearing normal trenchcoats and suits and such. Mulder and Scully enter the area. Mulder shows his badge to the agent in charge.)
Mulder: I'm Agent Mulder and this is Agent Scully.
Agent: That's nice. Want a cookie?
Mulder: Ooo! Cookie! I want it!
Scully: No, Mulder, you don't want Government cookies. They've been in storage for at least a year.
Mulder: (disappointed) Oh. Okay. We're here to investigate the death of Smallpo Tato. We belive that this has a connection to a case we're currently working on.
Agent: Really? How so?
Scully: (speaks carefully) Well... the security cameras in this area had a sound recording feature also, and it picked up an Elvis song right around the time of death.
(The Agent bursts out laughing)
Agent: (giggling madly) Hey, these agents are investigating a case that they say connects to this one because of ELVIS! Hahahaha!!
(The entire room bursts out into laughter. Mulder and Scully exchange sidelong glances.)
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright... forget them. Let's go.
TFO'S APARTMENT
SOME BAD NEIGHBORHOOD
(Amazingly, TFO is not dead. CSM has revived her, and so, she's basically the same, except fifteen times dumber. No loss. She sits at her table and looks through some government files that were on sale at Gov-Mart.)
TFO: Wow. Cher's a robot!
(TFO picks up the phone and calls the National Inquirer)
TFO: Yeah, I'm calling to report a story.. I found out that Cher is a robot. What? Yes, it's confirmed. WHAT? NO!! WHY WON'T YOU TAKE IT? IT'S TRUE, I SWEAR! What? Where did I get the information? From this Government file! I bought it at Gov-Mart! You don't believe me? FINE THEN! See if I care!
(TFO hangs up, then looks through the files some more. She picks one up, and turns it over, a plan forming in her mind, which is now the size of a pea.)
TFO: (excitedly) This is it! I can bait Mulder with this! Then, I can drag him away from Dana Scully and he'll be ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHAHA-- oh crap. I broke a nail.
(TFO hurries off to go primp herself, even though she'll still look like a drowned sewer rat. As she runs, she drops a peice of paper that says-
Do Not Underestimate The Power of Sporks)
SOME TIME LATER
SOME PLACE
POSSIBLY A 7-11
(There is Police Line tape all over the place. Agents are milling around wearing trenchcoats. Scully walks up to one and shows her badge)
Scully: I'm Agent Dana Scully. I believe that this murder has something to do with a case I'm working on.
(The agent gives Scully a surprised glare, and then narrows his eyes)
Agent: Who told you someone died? How did you know?
Scully: (rolls her eyes) There's a dead body right there.
Agent: Oh. I knew that.
(The agent flees)
Scully: (mumbles) That's it. Time to use THE SOURCES.
(Scully drives away, back to the Field office)
FBI FIELD OFFICE
THAT BASEMENTY PLACE
17 HUNDRED HOURS.
(Mulder is reclining in his chair with his feet on his desk. Scully is looking through a filing cabinet. She shuts it, and starts dancing through the room.)
Mulder: What the heck are you doing, Scully?
(Scully stops dancing and looks at Mulder)
Scully: Chasing off the Ghost of Elvis. Apparently, he is scared off by tacky pop music and stupid dancing from the late eighties and early nineties.
Mulder: Oh.
(Mulder turns on the radio and some god awful Britney Spears song comes on. He dances with Scully. They do this for about a half an hour until Skinner walks in)
Skinner: OH MY GOD? Are you both possessed? You know this breaches protocol. Protocol breachers, protocol breachers! Heehee.
(Skinner flees giggling from the room. Scully and Mulder stare blankly at the open door, then continue dancing)
ON THE PLANE
(Mulder and Scully are being blinded by a flash when all of a sudden--)
Annoyed Voice: Jenny, put the flashlight down NOW!
Jenny: Sorry mom.. BUT WHY?
Mom: Because I SAID SO! Now hurry up before I shove your head into the airplane toilet!
(They run off)
Mulder: Darn. I thought it was an alien that would give us clues and abduct us and take us to some pretty foreign planet and make us plant daises and tulips and, and.. and...
Scully: How about, no, Mulder?
Mulder: Okay. I think we can get off the plane now.
Captain: YOU have REACHED MEMPHIS, TenneSSEE! WELCOME to the LAND of ELVIS and SUCH. THANKS for FLYING with NORTHWEST AirLINES even THOUGH you PROBABLY didn't have a CHOICE! Get OFF the PLANE before it SELF-DESTRUCTS!
HAHAHAHAA!! NOW I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND--
(Everybody looks to the front of the plane)
Captain: Uh.. you DIDn't HEAR THAT.. HeHeHE.
(Everybody runs off the plane)
TEN MINUTES OR SO LATER
(Mulder and Scully are standing in front of a Starbucks with confused expressions on their faces)
Scully: Why are we here, Mulder? I'm sure that the Ghost of Elvis didn't frequent Starbucks very often.
(Mulder grins evilly at Scully)
Mulder: Actually, he did. Lisa Liysalot comes to this Starbucks every morning and orders the exact same thing. She reported that the Ghost of Elvis attacked her and demanded that all of those stupid movies he was forced to make in the last century be burned and erased from everybody's minds.
(Scully raises her eyebrows and sighs)
Scully: Are you sure she isn't "on something", Mulder? Has anybody else reported Ghost of Elvis sightings? Or was Ms. Liysalot the only one? If that's the case, Mulder, then it seems that she's either making up the story or we're in--
(Scully is cut off by eerie music)
Voice: The Twilight Zone...
(Mulder glares up at the voice)
Mulder: Shut up! We don't care! (he calms down slightly) Let's go find Lisa Liysalot.
MAC FONALD'S
FIFTEEN HUNDRED HOURS
OR THREE 'O CLOCK PM TO THOSE WHO DON'T DO MILITARY TIME
(Mulder and Scully enter a typical fast-food restaurant, except this one is worse. Cockroaches are crawling everywhere, and the whole place smells odd.
Lisa Liysalot is wearing a boring grey outfit and looks like someone who hangs around bars way too much.)
Mulder: Um, Ms. Liysalot, is it correct that you visit the Starbucks on the corner of 22nd street and Main every morning?
Lisa: (speaks in an odd, mixed-up accent) Thart's roight, Meester Soot. Wot ees it you warnt frum me?
Mulder: Ms. Liysalot, for the thirteenth time, it's Agent Mulder.
Lisa: Ooh Meester Soout. Soary. Yees, I goo to dat Stoorbocks eevree moarneeng.
Scully: Have you ever seen the Ghost of Elvis at this Starbucks?
(Lisa Liysalot jumps up on the table and yells loudly)
Lisa: OOH! OOH! That EES ROIGHT MEES SOOT! I seen thees Elvees aht Stoobocks eevree moarneeng. That ees roight!
Mulder: Okay. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Lisa: Ooh.. I dun know, meester soout. Soary.
Scully: (whispering to Mulder) All we've gotten from this woman is that she's seen Elvis every morning at Starbucks. (To Ms. Liysalot) Do you know if any other people claim to have seen the Ghost of Elvis at that Starbucks?
Lisa: Nough, soary Mees Soot. Gouhh to Stoobocks and ahsk.
Mulder: Thanks for your help, Ms. Liysalot.
Lisa: Noguh porblem, Meester Soout.
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright.... let's go.
(They run away from the odd woman, slipping on several cockroaches as they go.)
UNDEFINED LOCATION
UNDEFINED TIME
UNDEFINED UNDEFINED
(A scary dark object is moving around, doing things that scary dark objects do. All of a sudden, a door opens and light pours into the room)
Some Guy: Dude, where's my ice cream cone? I ordered that thing fifteen minutes ago and it still isn't ready? What kind of place is this? I want my money back! I have rights too! I demand--
(He's cut off when the scary dark object grabs him and starts slashing him into fishsticks. His screams echo, but are never heard. However, the screams turn into giggles as an Elvis song drifts into the room. The Elvis song is oddly distorted, sounding like Barney singing it. The lights dim, and everything goes black.)
THREE HOURS LATER
(Agents are milling around, wearing normal trenchcoats and suits and such. Mulder and Scully enter the area. Mulder shows his badge to the agent in charge.)
Mulder: I'm Agent Mulder and this is Agent Scully.
Agent: That's nice. Want a cookie?
Mulder: Ooo! Cookie! I want it!
Scully: No, Mulder, you don't want Government cookies. They've been in storage for at least a year.
Mulder: (disappointed) Oh. Okay. We're here to investigate the death of Smallpo Tato. We belive that this has a connection to a case we're currently working on.
Agent: Really? How so?
Scully: (speaks carefully) Well... the security cameras in this area had a sound recording feature also, and it picked up an Elvis song right around the time of death.
(The Agent bursts out laughing)
Agent: (giggling madly) Hey, these agents are investigating a case that they say connects to this one because of ELVIS! Hahahaha!!
(The entire room bursts out into laughter. Mulder and Scully exchange sidelong glances.)
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright... forget them. Let's go.
TFO'S APARTMENT
SOME BAD NEIGHBORHOOD
(Amazingly, TFO is not dead. CSM has revived her, and so, she's basically the same, except fifteen times dumber. No loss. She sits at her table and looks through some government files that were on sale at Gov-Mart.)
TFO: Wow. Cher's a robot!
(TFO picks up the phone and calls the National Inquirer)
TFO: Yeah, I'm calling to report a story.. I found out that Cher is a robot. What? Yes, it's confirmed. WHAT? NO!! WHY WON'T YOU TAKE IT? IT'S TRUE, I SWEAR! What? Where did I get the information? From this Government file! I bought it at Gov-Mart! You don't believe me? FINE THEN! See if I care!
(TFO hangs up, then looks through the files some more. She picks one up, and turns it over, a plan forming in her mind, which is now the size of a pea.)
TFO: (excitedly) This is it! I can bait Mulder with this! Then, I can drag him away from Dana Scully and he'll be ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHAHA-- oh crap. I broke a nail.
(TFO hurries off to go primp herself, even though she'll still look like a drowned sewer rat. As she runs, she drops a peice of paper that says-
Do Not Underestimate The Power of Sporks)
SOME TIME LATER
SOME PLACE
POSSIBLY A 7-11
(There is Police Line tape all over the place. Agents are milling around wearing trenchcoats. Scully walks up to one and shows her badge)
Scully: I'm Agent Dana Scully. I believe that this murder has something to do with a case I'm working on.
(The agent gives Scully a surprised glare, and then narrows his eyes)
Agent: Who told you someone died? How did you know?
Scully: (rolls her eyes) There's a dead body right there.
Agent: Oh. I knew that.
(The agent flees)
Scully: (mumbles) That's it. Time to use THE SOURCES.
(Scully drives away, back to the Field office)
FBI FIELD OFFICE
THAT BASEMENTY PLACE
17 HUNDRED HOURS.
(Mulder is reclining in his chair with his feet on his desk. Scully is looking through a filing cabinet. She shuts it, and starts dancing through the room.)
Mulder: What the heck are you doing, Scully?
(Scully stops dancing and looks at Mulder)
Scully: Chasing off the Ghost of Elvis. Apparently, he is scared off by tacky pop music and stupid dancing from the late eighties and early nineties.
Mulder: Oh.
(Mulder turns on the radio and some god awful Britney Spears song comes on. He dances with Scully. They do this for about a half an hour until Skinner walks in)
Skinner: OH MY GOD? Are you both possessed? You know this breaches protocol. Protocol breachers, protocol breachers! Heehee.
(Skinner flees giggling from the room. Scully and Mulder stare blankly at the open door, then continue dancing)
