CONFERENCE ROOM
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

(The dark, smoky room is lit only by a couple of lamps on the table. There are various Scary People In Suits such as the CSM, the Well-Manicured Man, and Diana Fowley. CSM is glaring at TFO as if she's the most evil thing in the world, and of course she is.)

TFO: (giggles stupidly and bats her eyelashes at CSM) I've got a valuable piece of information to bait Mulder into my trap!

CSM: (ignores TFO's obvious lack of brains) And what would that be? Your cheap Avon perfume? A ceramic clown? A seagull and Alka-Seltzer? WHAT IS IT?

(TFO looks around nervously, and giggles loudly in a poor attempt to cover up her nervousness)

TFO: Not really.. it's actually a clipping from a newspaper that would interest Mulder. So, it would lead him into my trap, and we'll have him right where I want him!

(The other people in the room roll their eyes simultaneously.)

CSM: (groans with distaste) What newspaper did you get that clipping from? It wouldn't happen to be some Cosmopolitan thing, would it? Or National Inquirer. I should have known. (mutters) Ditz.

(TFO gets nervous)

TFO: Umm.. well... (giggles ditzily) I did. But that's the point. If he believes it, then we can lure him into my trap.

CSM: We can lure him? Into YOUR trap?

TFO: It's all the same to me.. um.. who's got a Mento?

GRACELAND
HIDDEN ROOM

(Hammering noises are heard from the other side of the wall. All of a sudden, a shovel bursts through. Mulder squeezes through the hole, and Scully follows. They both look around.)

Mulder: So this is the Hidden Room.. it's not very exciting. Hey.. is that a Starbucks cup?

(Scully picks up the cup.)

Scully: It is! This room has been sealed up since Elvis' death. So at least Lisa Liysalot wasn't lying about that part... I'm going to take it to the lab to get fingerprints.

Mulder: Ghosts don't have fingerprints.

Scully: Mulder, are you a ghost?

Mulder: No.

Scully: That's what I thought. Shut up.

(Scully looks around again. She spots a small folded scrap of paper in the corner. Since the paper is new and not old and yellowed, she walks over to the corner and picks it up.)

Scully: Look what I found, Mulder. This paper says: "Beware of the Foul One. She will lead you to a massive death march, complete with depressing music, blood, scary executioners in black masks, and the brimstones of hell". Wow. Should we bring a dessert?

Mulder: Ooh. Let's.

(They leave)

CONFERENCE ROOM
UNKNOWN LOCATION

(This conference room is almost exactly the same as the one before. The members of the Syndicate and TFO are sitting in the exact same places as before)

CSM: What do you have to report, Fowley?

TFO: I've planted the note in the given location. Heehee. Big words. I need a dicshun.. er.. a diiksun.. um.. a book of words.

(The Syndicate members roll their eyes simultaneously)

CSM: Rright... have they found the note yet?

TFO: Yes.

CSM: Well.. what was their reaction? (mutters) Chicken McLost girl.

TFO: Something about a desert. Yeah... Sahara Desert!

CSM: Well then. I must report this to Strughold.

TFO: WHY?

CSM: Because it's my job, idiot. Go work for Avon or something. The door-to-door salespeople have about the same IQ as their shoe sizes. You'll fit right in.

(CSM leaves the room in disgust)

TFO: (giggles nervously) Um.. who wants to play Hangman?

DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN DC

(Scully is laying down on her couch when the phone rings. She picks it up)

Scully: No, I don't want aluminum siding for my house, I don't want to switch to MCI, and if this is that mysterious sicko that keeps on calling my house and asking me what I'm wearing and if my window is open, then I will shoot your brains out. Other than that, hello?

Mulder: Rendezvous! With the Ghost of Elvis! In that empty mysterious hangar in the empty mysterious abandoned military base! With that empty mysterious abandoned evil-

Scully: I get your point, Mulder. When?

Mulder: Now. And... um.. is your window open?

EMPTY MYSTERIOUS HANGAR IN THE EMPTY MYSTERIOUS ABANDONED MILITARY BASE WITH THAT EMPTY MYSTERIOUS ABANDONED EVIL-

(Mulder and Scully cautiously enter the hangar. They have their guns out and are doing the gun stakeouty type thing.)

Scully: I don't see anything, Mulder. Maybe we were set up.

Mulder: (sinks to his knees, his eyes growing wide) What if this is a message from my sister? SAMANTHA? ARE YOU OUT THERE? AUUGHHH!

Scully: Hush Mulder. No need to shatter the Ghost of Elvis' fragile psyche.

Mulder: (standing up) Oh. Okay.

(The entire hangar fills with an extremely bright light, filling every crevice. "Walking in Memphis" echoes through the area)

Mulder: Um, excuse me, Ghost of Elvis.. but you didn't sing that.

Ghost of Elvis: Shut up. You're shattering my fragile psyche.

Mulder: Oh. Sorry.

(Mulder runs and hides behind Scully)

Mulder: Save me, Scully.

Scully: What do you want to calm your troubled soul, O Ghost of Elvis?

Ghost of Elvis: I want.. I want.... Mulder.

(Mulder cringes behind Scully and whimpers)

Scully: Why? What are going to do with him?

(The Ghost of Elvis' voice changes, and he giggles ditzily)

Ghost of Elvis: I need him for a project to rest my troubled soul.

Mulder: Oh GOD NO!! Hey.. wait! I know that giggle! You're not the Ghost of Elvis! This has nothing to do with Elvis! Scully!

(Scully's eyes open wide, and she yells)

Scully: It's SKINNER!

Ghost of Elvis: No! It's not Skinner! I'm insulted! After all those years of door-to-door Avon sales, you think I look like a MAN! (makes a high-pitched insulted sound)

Mulder: It's FOWLEY!

TFO: That's it, I'm revolting!

Scully: (mutters under her breath) You sure are.

TFO: (spins around angrily) I heard that! I'm a person too!

Scully: No, you're not. You're an idiot. That's a species in itself.

(While Scully is insulting Diana, Mulder sneaks behind her and slaps on handcuffs)

TFO: Not here, Mulder.

Mulder: (in utter and complete disgust) EW! You're under arrest for impersonating Elvis and murdering people under a false persona, and also for being an idiot without a license. You're coming with us.

FBI FIELD OFFICE
A.D. SKINNER'S OFFICE
NEXT MORNING

(Skinner is sitting at his desk, facing Mulder and Scully)

Skinner: So you finally found out who was killing people under the false appearance of the Ghost of Elvis. Also, the murderer was apprehended. Good work.

Mulder: Yay! Heeheehee.

Skinner: However, you also breached several protocols and acted oddly in public. For this, you will have to attend work in a tutu for a week.

Scully: (shocked) A tutu? Why? What good will that do?

Skinner: Because I'm your superior, and I said so.

Scully: Oh.

CONFERENCE ROOM
SOME UNKNOWN AREA

(The Syndicate is again gathered for a meeting. With the absence of Diana, the room seems more focused and smarter.)

CSM: Fowley has failed.

Syndicate: Ditz.

Strughold: Her perfume sucks up the atmosphere.

Well-Manicured Man: I have a plan.

Strughold: Please tell me it's to destroy all Avon factories.

WMM: It's better. I'm going to take three kids off the street, teach them to sing, and use their lyrics to broadcast a message of world domination!

Strughold: And what will these kids be called?

WMM: The.. the... BACKSTREET BOYS!