Disclaimer: I own these characters and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I'm making tons of money off of this fic. And if you believe that, I've got some dot-com stock I'd love to sell you. ;)
I have no affiliation with Tolkien, and I don't own these characters. (At least that's what my therapist keeps telling me.) I'm writing this because I can. Isn't the Internet great? If you're expecting a well-written fic, you've come to the wrooooong place. This is purely crackified blasphemy.
Summary: What the Lord of the Rings movie might have been like if a complete idiot had written it. (Such as myself.)
What the Lord of the Rings Movie Might Have Been Like if a Complete Idiot Had Written It
{Real scene} In the Prancing Pony Inn, Frodo is knocked over and the Ring is flung into the air. He catches it.
{My scene} Frodo lifts his hand to catch the Ring. He misses. The Ring plops into his mouth, and his eyes open in shock as he accidentally swallows. When Aragorn goes to confront him about bringing attention to himself, Frodo is not in his room. Aragorn later passes by the bathroom and hears a series of loud grunts and curses from within.
{Real scene} Arwen is carrying the injured Frodo to Rivendell on horseback, pursued by the Ringwraiths. After crossing the river, she stops and utters a spell that causes a great wave to attack the Wraiths.
{My scene} As the mighty wave rushes around the river bend, there is a cry of "Whoo-hoo!" On top of the wave is Elrond on a surfboard. He is wearing neon-orange swim trunks and sunglasses, and there is a huge goofy grin on his face. He hits a Wraith and wipes out.
{Real scene} Boromir is fighting the Orcs in an attempt to defend Merry and Pippin. The leader of the Orcs shoots Boromir with his bow. The Orcs leave with the Hobbits, and Aragorn comes just in time to see Boromir die. He bends over him and the two tell each other how proud they were to have known each other.
{My scene} Boromir is on the ground dying, with numerous arrows sticking out of his chest. Aragorn bends over him with an expression of helpless sorrow on his face. Suddenly he snaps his fingers and says, "I've got it!" He fumbles through his pockets and triumphantly pulls out a Power Puff Girls band-aid. Boromir can't decide whether to slap him or huddle up and cry.
{Real scene} Sam plunges into the water after Frodo. Before he reaches the boat, the water becomes too deep and he almost drowns. Frodo paddles the boat over to him and pulls him up at the last minute. He hauls him into the boat.
{My scene} Frodo grasps Sam's hand and tries to haul him into the boat. Tearfully he cries, "I'll never let go, Sam! I'll never let go!" He then, of course, releases his hand. As Sam sinks below the water, he flashes Frodo the finger.
Ok, that's it for now. If I think of any more, and if anybody reviews, then I'll do a part Two. Have a nice day! J
