Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I don't have any money. Don't sue me.
Warnings: A bit of light slash. Uh. that's about it.
Author's Notes: Thanks, as always, to my reviewers, and to Curious Blue for letting me give her a cameo. This one is up faster, no? I've gotten some comments, reviews and not, about how my chapters are short, so this one's a bit longer (I hope). They were kinda short before because I read that chapters weren't supposed to be longer than one scene. Here we go!
SURPRISE! Revenge fantasies and dating, what could be better?
Lunch came, as it usually did, and Dib and Zim ate outside. In Biology, they had fun passing notes back and forth, planning demise for J.P.989 and the skool in general, and now they were debating the merits of revenge against Gaz.
"She's my sister!"
"She screwed you over. On Irk, if someone you know dishonors you in such a way that it affects your ability to function in society, you're allowed to kill them."
"This isn't Irk."
"I know this isn't Irk, I just don't think you should sit around and take that kind of crap from family. You should do something."
"No, Zim. She knows what she did. She feels bad enough that I won't forgive her easily, and no matter what, she's still my sister. The only one I have."
"Can I at least soak her with a hose?"
"No."
Zim felt amazingly protective today, and if anyone even dared to look at Dib wrong, they got hell. He followed Dib to both of his classes before Biology, leaving more than a few bloody homophobic noses in his wake. He didn't really mean to hurt them that much, more of a thawp in the face than an actual injury, but something in him boiled when he heard those insults. This was the reason he wanted to hurt Gaz, even though he knew Dib wouldn't let him. That insufferable, tiny-brained selfish twit had started all of this, she was the one who told everyone. If she had just kept her mouth shut.Zim was seized by an idea. A brilliant idea. The most brilliant display of brilliance since Tallest Fuchsia ordered the invasion of Foodcourtia.
"DIB!"
Dib jerked his head up, looking a bit paranoid.
"What? More assholes?"
"No, nononononono. I want to ask you; if everyone thought you were straight, would they stop harassing you?"
"No, probably not. They'd stop harassing me for being gay, but I'm used to all that other stuff. They wouldn't beat me up anymore, though. Why?"
"Oh," Zim turned his head away from Dib and smiled mysteriously, "no reason."
"Ziiiiiiiim," Dib mustered up the whiniest voice he could, "tell me!"
"It's a surprise."
"That doesn't mean you can't tell me!"
"I suppose that's.WAIT A MINUTE! YES IT DOES! I'm not telling you until it happens. It just isn't a surprise unless you're.surprised. Yes. You'll find out soon enough."
"C'moooooonn." Dib schooched up closer to Zim. "I'll give you a cookie."
"You'd have to give me a lot more than that to make me tell you this. It's too phenomenal to give up for a simple earth cookie."
"I'll give you looooove.."
"Sweet Dib love? I'll consider it; if it's sweet Dib love, but otherwise, you're still out one secret."
"What kind of sweet Dib love?"
Zim contorted his face into a lecherous, open-mouthed pose and made groping motions with his hands.
"Sweeeeeeeeeeet Dib love." During his.description, he started to purposefully drool.
"Weeeell," Dib stood up and flounced a few steps away, then looked over his shoulder, "not on the first date."
Zim stood as well, marched up to Dib and exclaimed, "Then I shall.TAKE YOU ON A DATE! But I won't tell you the secret until the date takes place."
"Okay. Let's go on a date. Right now. You can take me to the coffee shop down the road."
"AHA! You won't trick me with your feminine wiles."
"FEMININE?!"
"Yes. Feminine. Traditionally, first dates take place at night, do they not? I know about human dating techniques, Dib. I know. You cannot fool THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ZIM!"
"Right. Whatever, Oz."
"Oz? Who is.Oz?"
"A big, floating green head. How do you know about human dating techniques? You couldn't possibly conquer the world with dating information. OH MY GOD! There's someone you want to date, isn't there? Who is it?! Tell me!"
"Preposterous! Why would I, ZIM, want to date a pathetic sack of human filth?"
"Is it Deborah?"
"No."
"Alan?"
"No."
"Jessica?"
"God, no."
"Is iiiiiit..." Dib spun around dramatically, flipped his hair and batted his eyelashes coyly, "me?"
"Yes."
Now Dib was shocked. His arms went slack, and he stood there with his jaw hanging open.
"You want to date.me? Why would you want to date me?"
"You're very pretty, for one. And you're the only person on this planet I respect. Remember that? You're fascinating, and I want to learn more about you."
"We already know everything about each other."
"Not everything. You didn't know that my race's power structure was based on height. I want to know your favorite colour, I want to know about your home life. I want to know why you started chasing me. I know your strengths and weaknesses, Dib, but that's only important for conquering. I want to conquer the Earth, not you, Dib."
"You still want to conquer the Earth? Uhhh.ah, screw it.let's go out Friday night. For coffee, and.a movie?"
"I'd love to."
"Will you tell me what the surprise is now?"
"No. You'll find out tomorrow. I'll give you a clue, though. I've found a solution to the harassment."
"Blow up the skool?"
"No, Dib."
"Tell me!"
"No!"
Dib awoke the next morning in very much the same way he had the morning before, except this morning, Zim had just waltzed in and went straight for his closet. Dib woke to Zim holding a white, shimmering dress shirt up to his face.
"What are you doing now, Zim?"
"You HAVE to wear this today, with this," Zim reached into his shirt and pulled out a wad of fishnet, "on top!"
He handed the wad to Dib with a flourish.
"I." Dib shook his head to clear it, "No, Zim! You dressed me yesterday!"
"And I will continue to do so until you figure out how to do it yourself! And for our date Friday, I'm going to pick you up. Now put those on, and I don't want any of your lip."
"I thought you did want some of my lip."
"Lips. You can't have one without the other, and as much as I enjoy seeing your bare chest, we'll be late for skool if you don't start to get dressed."
"Heeeyy. Speaking of skool, and today."
"You'll find out at lunch. Trust me, it'll be a lot more effective if you're surprised. And put these on."
He handed Dib a pair of dark denim pants, with artfully frayed holes in the knees, thighs and right below the back pockets.
"I want to dress myself tomorrow."
"You can dress yourself for Friday night. I hope to have educated you in the fine art of clothes-choosing by then."
"By Friday, huh? What if I'm a slow learner?"
"Then I'll have to show up every morning and dress you until you do learn."
Dib sighed and put on the shirt and wad of fishnet, which turned out to be a spider-webby vest, thinking that Zim doing this every day wouldn't be such a bad idea.
At lunch, at Zim's insistence, they braved sitting in the cafeteria, avoiding the food that was occasionally pelted at them. Zim said that it was crucial for his surprise to carry through. Dib had no idea why, but he was really, really curious as to what the surprise that would solve the harassment problem was.
The cafeteria doors flew open, interrupting his pondering, however, and a brown-haired girl in a trenchcoat, whom he'd never seen before in his life, stormed in, her coat flying behind her. Zim kicked him under the table and hissed,
"Just play along."
"DIB ISAAC MEMBRANE! HOW DAAAAAAARE YOU?!"
Dib quaked with fear. He had no clue who this girl was, but she was using his middle name, and that always meant trouble.
"Wha.what did I do?"
"YOUUUUU KNOW WHAT.YOU.DID! DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT?"
"With.what?" Dib was afraid to ask, and wondered why in the world Zim thought this would help.
"CHEATING ON ME WITH THAT.THAT.FRENCH TART, THAT'S WHAT! HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM? DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT?"
In a stroke of brilliance, Dib began to scream in her face, "WELL IF YOU'D PUT OUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GET IT ELSEWHERE!"
"YOU.BEAST! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN."
As she said this, she flung a handful of mashed potatoes in his face and stormed out of the room. Before Dib could even sit down, the chatter started.
"A girl? But I thought he was gay?"
"Not just one girl, but two. Dib's a playa."
"I guess his sister was just mad at him or something."
Dib sat down, ecstatic. It worked. It really worked. Now.
"Now we can go on our date on Friday," Zim piped up, "and no one will bother us."
"Zim, you're a genius! How did you get her to do it?!"
"I'm doing her homework for a week." Zim looked very pleased with himself. Dib was trying to hold himself back from hugging him.
"Do you want to go outside to finish eating?"
"Alright. Why?"
"You'll see!"
When they got outside and reasonably out of sight, Dib tackled Zim and squeezed him as tight as he could.
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"
"Dib.can't.breathe." Zim managed to choke out.
Dib chuckled and loosened his grip a little bit.
"I'm sorry, it's just.thanks. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."
He looked straight at Zim, smiled broadly and kissed him on the cheek.
"Now THAT was a plan worthy of sweet Dib love."
Zim leered. "Okay, now make it just a little bit sweeter."
"You'll have to wait for Friday." He flounced away and Zim followed, staring at the way Dib's trenchcoat clung to his cute little butt.
(Further) Author's notes: In the next chapter, there'll be a makeout scene, I promise! I can just hear you all going "Finally!" Curious Blue wants me to tell you that she's not actually frigid. She was a very good sport about that line. Pepperleen: Next chapter! I promise on my comics! Zi Glomper Of Doom: Also, next chapter. I'm trying to make him not suck.Zim/Dib, this one, I think, but I'm head-writing a sequel as we speak, and that one will probably end up as a Dib/Zim. Ztarlight: Thank you! You're such a good IC checker! SilverEmpress624: It is! But strangely, the original spelling of faerie is not. All of youze: Was this a good chapter length? I'm never sure.
Warnings: A bit of light slash. Uh. that's about it.
Author's Notes: Thanks, as always, to my reviewers, and to Curious Blue for letting me give her a cameo. This one is up faster, no? I've gotten some comments, reviews and not, about how my chapters are short, so this one's a bit longer (I hope). They were kinda short before because I read that chapters weren't supposed to be longer than one scene. Here we go!
SURPRISE! Revenge fantasies and dating, what could be better?
Lunch came, as it usually did, and Dib and Zim ate outside. In Biology, they had fun passing notes back and forth, planning demise for J.P.989 and the skool in general, and now they were debating the merits of revenge against Gaz.
"She's my sister!"
"She screwed you over. On Irk, if someone you know dishonors you in such a way that it affects your ability to function in society, you're allowed to kill them."
"This isn't Irk."
"I know this isn't Irk, I just don't think you should sit around and take that kind of crap from family. You should do something."
"No, Zim. She knows what she did. She feels bad enough that I won't forgive her easily, and no matter what, she's still my sister. The only one I have."
"Can I at least soak her with a hose?"
"No."
Zim felt amazingly protective today, and if anyone even dared to look at Dib wrong, they got hell. He followed Dib to both of his classes before Biology, leaving more than a few bloody homophobic noses in his wake. He didn't really mean to hurt them that much, more of a thawp in the face than an actual injury, but something in him boiled when he heard those insults. This was the reason he wanted to hurt Gaz, even though he knew Dib wouldn't let him. That insufferable, tiny-brained selfish twit had started all of this, she was the one who told everyone. If she had just kept her mouth shut.Zim was seized by an idea. A brilliant idea. The most brilliant display of brilliance since Tallest Fuchsia ordered the invasion of Foodcourtia.
"DIB!"
Dib jerked his head up, looking a bit paranoid.
"What? More assholes?"
"No, nononononono. I want to ask you; if everyone thought you were straight, would they stop harassing you?"
"No, probably not. They'd stop harassing me for being gay, but I'm used to all that other stuff. They wouldn't beat me up anymore, though. Why?"
"Oh," Zim turned his head away from Dib and smiled mysteriously, "no reason."
"Ziiiiiiiim," Dib mustered up the whiniest voice he could, "tell me!"
"It's a surprise."
"That doesn't mean you can't tell me!"
"I suppose that's.WAIT A MINUTE! YES IT DOES! I'm not telling you until it happens. It just isn't a surprise unless you're.surprised. Yes. You'll find out soon enough."
"C'moooooonn." Dib schooched up closer to Zim. "I'll give you a cookie."
"You'd have to give me a lot more than that to make me tell you this. It's too phenomenal to give up for a simple earth cookie."
"I'll give you looooove.."
"Sweet Dib love? I'll consider it; if it's sweet Dib love, but otherwise, you're still out one secret."
"What kind of sweet Dib love?"
Zim contorted his face into a lecherous, open-mouthed pose and made groping motions with his hands.
"Sweeeeeeeeeeet Dib love." During his.description, he started to purposefully drool.
"Weeeell," Dib stood up and flounced a few steps away, then looked over his shoulder, "not on the first date."
Zim stood as well, marched up to Dib and exclaimed, "Then I shall.TAKE YOU ON A DATE! But I won't tell you the secret until the date takes place."
"Okay. Let's go on a date. Right now. You can take me to the coffee shop down the road."
"AHA! You won't trick me with your feminine wiles."
"FEMININE?!"
"Yes. Feminine. Traditionally, first dates take place at night, do they not? I know about human dating techniques, Dib. I know. You cannot fool THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ZIM!"
"Right. Whatever, Oz."
"Oz? Who is.Oz?"
"A big, floating green head. How do you know about human dating techniques? You couldn't possibly conquer the world with dating information. OH MY GOD! There's someone you want to date, isn't there? Who is it?! Tell me!"
"Preposterous! Why would I, ZIM, want to date a pathetic sack of human filth?"
"Is it Deborah?"
"No."
"Alan?"
"No."
"Jessica?"
"God, no."
"Is iiiiiit..." Dib spun around dramatically, flipped his hair and batted his eyelashes coyly, "me?"
"Yes."
Now Dib was shocked. His arms went slack, and he stood there with his jaw hanging open.
"You want to date.me? Why would you want to date me?"
"You're very pretty, for one. And you're the only person on this planet I respect. Remember that? You're fascinating, and I want to learn more about you."
"We already know everything about each other."
"Not everything. You didn't know that my race's power structure was based on height. I want to know your favorite colour, I want to know about your home life. I want to know why you started chasing me. I know your strengths and weaknesses, Dib, but that's only important for conquering. I want to conquer the Earth, not you, Dib."
"You still want to conquer the Earth? Uhhh.ah, screw it.let's go out Friday night. For coffee, and.a movie?"
"I'd love to."
"Will you tell me what the surprise is now?"
"No. You'll find out tomorrow. I'll give you a clue, though. I've found a solution to the harassment."
"Blow up the skool?"
"No, Dib."
"Tell me!"
"No!"
Dib awoke the next morning in very much the same way he had the morning before, except this morning, Zim had just waltzed in and went straight for his closet. Dib woke to Zim holding a white, shimmering dress shirt up to his face.
"What are you doing now, Zim?"
"You HAVE to wear this today, with this," Zim reached into his shirt and pulled out a wad of fishnet, "on top!"
He handed the wad to Dib with a flourish.
"I." Dib shook his head to clear it, "No, Zim! You dressed me yesterday!"
"And I will continue to do so until you figure out how to do it yourself! And for our date Friday, I'm going to pick you up. Now put those on, and I don't want any of your lip."
"I thought you did want some of my lip."
"Lips. You can't have one without the other, and as much as I enjoy seeing your bare chest, we'll be late for skool if you don't start to get dressed."
"Heeeyy. Speaking of skool, and today."
"You'll find out at lunch. Trust me, it'll be a lot more effective if you're surprised. And put these on."
He handed Dib a pair of dark denim pants, with artfully frayed holes in the knees, thighs and right below the back pockets.
"I want to dress myself tomorrow."
"You can dress yourself for Friday night. I hope to have educated you in the fine art of clothes-choosing by then."
"By Friday, huh? What if I'm a slow learner?"
"Then I'll have to show up every morning and dress you until you do learn."
Dib sighed and put on the shirt and wad of fishnet, which turned out to be a spider-webby vest, thinking that Zim doing this every day wouldn't be such a bad idea.
At lunch, at Zim's insistence, they braved sitting in the cafeteria, avoiding the food that was occasionally pelted at them. Zim said that it was crucial for his surprise to carry through. Dib had no idea why, but he was really, really curious as to what the surprise that would solve the harassment problem was.
The cafeteria doors flew open, interrupting his pondering, however, and a brown-haired girl in a trenchcoat, whom he'd never seen before in his life, stormed in, her coat flying behind her. Zim kicked him under the table and hissed,
"Just play along."
"DIB ISAAC MEMBRANE! HOW DAAAAAAARE YOU?!"
Dib quaked with fear. He had no clue who this girl was, but she was using his middle name, and that always meant trouble.
"Wha.what did I do?"
"YOUUUUU KNOW WHAT.YOU.DID! DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT?"
"With.what?" Dib was afraid to ask, and wondered why in the world Zim thought this would help.
"CHEATING ON ME WITH THAT.THAT.FRENCH TART, THAT'S WHAT! HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM? DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT?"
In a stroke of brilliance, Dib began to scream in her face, "WELL IF YOU'D PUT OUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GET IT ELSEWHERE!"
"YOU.BEAST! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN."
As she said this, she flung a handful of mashed potatoes in his face and stormed out of the room. Before Dib could even sit down, the chatter started.
"A girl? But I thought he was gay?"
"Not just one girl, but two. Dib's a playa."
"I guess his sister was just mad at him or something."
Dib sat down, ecstatic. It worked. It really worked. Now.
"Now we can go on our date on Friday," Zim piped up, "and no one will bother us."
"Zim, you're a genius! How did you get her to do it?!"
"I'm doing her homework for a week." Zim looked very pleased with himself. Dib was trying to hold himself back from hugging him.
"Do you want to go outside to finish eating?"
"Alright. Why?"
"You'll see!"
When they got outside and reasonably out of sight, Dib tackled Zim and squeezed him as tight as he could.
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"
"Dib.can't.breathe." Zim managed to choke out.
Dib chuckled and loosened his grip a little bit.
"I'm sorry, it's just.thanks. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."
He looked straight at Zim, smiled broadly and kissed him on the cheek.
"Now THAT was a plan worthy of sweet Dib love."
Zim leered. "Okay, now make it just a little bit sweeter."
"You'll have to wait for Friday." He flounced away and Zim followed, staring at the way Dib's trenchcoat clung to his cute little butt.
(Further) Author's notes: In the next chapter, there'll be a makeout scene, I promise! I can just hear you all going "Finally!" Curious Blue wants me to tell you that she's not actually frigid. She was a very good sport about that line. Pepperleen: Next chapter! I promise on my comics! Zi Glomper Of Doom: Also, next chapter. I'm trying to make him not suck.Zim/Dib, this one, I think, but I'm head-writing a sequel as we speak, and that one will probably end up as a Dib/Zim. Ztarlight: Thank you! You're such a good IC checker! SilverEmpress624: It is! But strangely, the original spelling of faerie is not. All of youze: Was this a good chapter length? I'm never sure.
