This story is copyright 1999 by Eric Jablow, but don't let that
fool you; all the named characters are property of Warner
Brothers Movies and Television. On the other hand, parodies are
protected by the copyright laws.

Oh, and the music mentioned here appeared in very many of the
classic WB cartoons.

Merrie Melodies

Music: The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down

Bugs Bunny

IN

Fuddy the Vampire Slayer

Scene: A starry night, three-quarter moon. A wooded area.

Music: Powerhouse, by the Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by
Carl Stalling.

A tall figure in a cape runs directly toward the camera. Behind
it is a shorter man in a trenchcoat. Suddenly, a tunnel extends
itself from the left side of the screen, stops in the center, and
Bugs Bunny pokes his head out. The caped figure trips and falls
into the hole.

Bugs: "Hey, what's the big idea?"

Cape: "Run! The Slayer!"

Cape disappears down the tunnel.

Bugs: "This isn't Pismo Beach! I must have made a wrong turn at
Albuquerque."

---

The trenchcoated figure is in the center of the screen, holding a
crossbow, and with a large wooden stake propped up behind his
ear.

Elmer: "Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting vampiyas. Heh heh heh
heh heh."

Elmer raises his crossbow and fires. The bolt flies between Bugs'
ears, just missing the top of his head; Bugs ducks back into the
hole. Elmer runs to the hole and starts jabbing into it with a
wooden stake.

Elmer: "Die! Die fiend! Back to Hell with you!"

Bugs raises himself out the hole, munching a carrot, and fingers
the tip of the stake.

Bugs: "Eh, what's up doc? And, watch where you stick that thing,
will ya. Somebody might get hurt."

Elmer: "Time to die, vamp! I'm Fuddy the Vampiya Slayuh and it's
Vampiya Season, so die!"

Bugs dodges the stake thrust, grabs Elmer's hat and pulls it down
over his entire head, and runs off.

Music: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals, by the
Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by Carl Stalling.

Bugs races through the forest while dodging occasional crossbow
bolts from Elmer.

Bugs comes to a road; he sees a sign:

Welcome to Sunnydale, California

Pop. 8706

A bell tolls next to the sign.

Pop. 8705

**Toll**

Pop. 8704

**Toll**

Pop. 8703

**Toll**

Pop. 8702

Bugs: "Duh-yee! I really made a wrong turn at Albuquerque."

A crossbow bolt nicks Bugs' tail and embeds itself in a
tree. Bugs marches over to Elmer.

Bugs: "Hey, doc! What makes you think I'm a vampire, eh?"

Elmer: "Vampiyas wise fwom theya gwaves at night, and you wose
fwom youwa gwave at night."

Bugs: "My hole, a grave--why, I'll have you know I live in a
split-level hole with three bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms."

Elmer: "And vampiyas have big teeth. You have big teeth."

Bugs: "Me, a vampire? Why, I could never hurt a fly."

A fly buzzes around the two of them.

Bugs: "Do you see that fly?"

Elmer: "Yessss."

Bugs tries to swat the fly away, but misses; the followthrough
whaps Elmer in the face. Elmer turns red--steam roils from
the top of his bald scalp. Elmer dives for Bugs, but Bugs jumps
out of the way. Elmer chases Bugs.

---

Sunnydale Municipal Cemetery

Bugs: "Well, if he's looking for dead guys..."

Maid Service Available

Bugs: "What kind of town is this anyway?"

Bugs runs into the cemetery, followed by Elmer. They chase each
other through a graveyard. Elmer trips over a headstone and lands
on his face; his nose crunches up like an accordion.

They find themselves at a double row of mausoleums; Bugs heads
into one and slams the door. Elmer goes to it and tries to go in,
when Bugs comes out of a different crypt behind him. This repeats
about 8 times. Finally, Elmer goes to the crypt Bugs has just
entered. The door is locked.

Elmer: "All wight. Come out now, ow I'll bwast you out."

Bugs walks through the crypt; there are stairs leading to a
basement.

Bugs: "Never seen a split-level town house for the dead before."

Bugs goes down the stairs, only to find a room with a couch, a
television, and a coffin.

Bugs: "A television? Who's here to watch it?"

A clattering noise comes from upstairs.

Elmer (off-screen): "All wight, I got you now, foul vampiya!"

Bugs: "Well, there's only one place to hide."

Bugs goes to the coffin, opens it, and climbs in, nudging its
occupant aside.

Bugs: "Excuse me."

Coffin Guy: "Don't mention it."

Bugs: "Aiiyee!"

Bugs explodes out of the coffin and jumps into Elmer's arms.

Bugs: "Did you see that?"

Elmer: "What?"

Bugs: "Hey, put me down."

Bugs climbs down. The coffin creaks, and both Bugs and Elmer race
up the stairs and out of the crypt.

---


They make it outside and slam the door shut.

Bugs: "Oh, thank you for saving me."

Bugs gives Elmer a big kiss, and then pulls Elmer's hat down over
his face again. Bugs runs off.

Elmer: "I hate that vampiya."

Elmer gives chase. They race up and down the hills of the
cemetery, Elmer occasionally firing crossbow bolts at Bugs.
Finally, Bugs hops a fence and finds himself on a city street.

Bugs: "Whew, I didn't think I'd ever lose him. Well, I could use
a drink right now."

Bugs walks down the street, turns a corner, only to find Elmer
standing in front of him, crossbow aimed at his heart.

Elmer: "Say youwa pwayuhs, vamp."

Bugs sinks to his knees, steeples his hands, and prays.

Elmer: "Now stand up. This won't huwt a bit."

Suddenly, a tall man in a blue uniform looms over Elmer.

Officer: "You're under arrest!"

Elmer: "But, but--"

Officer: "Don't you know it's illegal to carry a loaded crossbow
within the city limits? You're coming with me."

Elmer: "But, Officuh--"

Officer: "Tell it to the judge."

The policeman handcuffs Elmer and drags him off. Bugs turns up
the street.

Bugs: "What a maroon. What an im-bessle."

Loud music [a distorted version of A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich,
and You] pours from a club across the street, and Bugs heads in.

Bugs finds a seat at the center of the bar.

Bartender: "What would you like?"

Bugs: "Carrot juice."

Bartender: "Two bucks. Coming right up."

The bartender pours a glass of carrot juice from a bottle, and
hands it to Bugs. He then turns to the six people sitting to
Bugs' left:

Bartender: "Here you go: a mocha blast, a tomato juice, an iced
tea, a double espresso, and two decafs."

All: "Thanks."

Bugs turns to the woman next to him.

Bugs: "Can you believe this town? Some guy thought I was a
vampire. Vampires don't exist!"

Buffy: "Well, you never know what you'll find here in Sunnydale."

In unison:
Angel:
Cordelia:
Xander:
Willow:
Oz: "Hear, hear!"

Bugs looks at them. Bugs looks at the mirror behind the bar. Bugs
does a double-take, and stares at the gang.

Bugs: "One, two, three, four, five, six."

Bugs looks at the mirror.

Bugs: "One, two, three, four, five."

Bugs looks at Angel.

Bugs looks at the mirror.

Bugs looks at Angel.

Bugs: "Bye!"

Bugs turns and runs right through the door, leaving a Bugs-shaped
hole.

Bartender: "What's his problem?"

All: "Tourists!"

Closing credits:

Porky: "Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!"