Hi Everyone!

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, but I took a small trip (to the looney bin - just kidding) to Las Vegas. VIIIIIIIVAAAAAAA LAS VEGAS! I didn't see a single damn Elvis impersonator (bummer!) but I have decided that Las Vegas is my spiritual home. It's the wildest, trashiest, most pointless place I could have ever imagined and I loved every second of it. We stayed at the Paris. Brilliant! Never-ending faux foreign twilight with cocktail waitresses forced to say, "Merci." I studied a lot of French back in that high school place, so I got a good chortle out of their horribly misplaced accents. (Bonjour. J'etudie beaucoup ans de francais. Je suis une grande fromage.)

Happily, I have also viewed "Lord of the Rings". Here, without any spoilers, are the best parts of the movie:

1) Every scene, every fucking scene, was so completely gorgeous that the three hours sped by.
2) Legolas. Oh dear god in heaven, Legolas. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and see it then get back to me.
3) Being one of those types of girls, the freedom to imagine Legolas, Severus, Draco, and Sirius (as written by Ailei in 'Clued' - that girl can write like a damned banshee in heat) so naked and tangled up together that you can't tell where one ends and the other begins. Yum. Now get the hell out of my fantasy.

So here's the next installment of this farce. Thanks to everyone who par-ti-ci-pated - your wishes are my commands, for the most part. I'm still the one in charge here.

I also have a brilliant, brilliant line planned for Snape, but I don't think it has a place in this chapter, because it must be used at the perfect time. Just rest assured that it's brilliant. It even made Chas laugh, and he's a tough customer, what with all the bashing I do on dear old flaming Sirius. It made a girl I'd just met spit beer. It made my cousin turn red and forget to breathe, which resulted in the hiccups.

But it's in the next chapter, so get down there, my pet, and read the drivel between now and then.

Thanks!

The Rocky Harry Potter Show
Or, Someone Had to Write It,
And if it Wasn't Me,
I'd be Working on My "Real Fiction"
Like Harm and E&S,
But I Gotta Do This
So You'd Better Damn Well Deal With It.

Chapter 3: Snape Bitey
Or, The Chapter in Which the Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Champion is Named (Maybe), Snape Goes Berserk, and A Brilliant Time is Had by None.

The votes were in; Patricia ruffled them through her hands with a wistful look on her face. "Nine votes," she muttered, "Only nine votes. What the hell is wrong with people?"

"Could be that some people in the world have taste," Snape yawned.

Patricia's glare was instantaneous. "Want to watch 'Rocky' again?" (In the intervening period between the par-ti-ci-pation invitation and the writing of this chapter, the entire school had been forced to watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" repeatedly, an estimated 84 times, give or take a few. Snape had managed to sneak in a sleeping potion and he had slumbered like [a/n: a little raven-haired vision of utter luciousness - wish you could have been there] a baby for the majority of the time.)

Most of the people in the audience burst into tears at the mere thought of repetition, although Dumbledore, staunch supporter of fishnets and drag, looked as if he wouldn't mind another go.

"You of all people," Patricia continued, "Should have watched the film a few more times. I'm sure you missed a few important nuances."

Snape leaned forward with a twisted smile on his mouth. "So does that mean you're firing me?"

"You wish!" Patricia snapped. She returned to the votes in her hand. "Well, the votes have been tallied and the results are undoubtedly in. We shall now proceed to name the Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Champion."

The audience groaned. But then the dingy little theater underwent an astounding transformation. The stage became wide and black lacquered, the chairs plush and big as couches, the tatty curtains shifting to shimmery blue satin, a fountain spurting water center stage, a set of sweeping stairs curving off to the right and left, and a table gleaming with smaller tiaras.

"Wicked!" Ron exclaimed.

"I wouldn't suggest encouraging her," Hermione said, who'd finally gotten the Spellotape off, "We've already decided that she's mad."

"Oooooohhhhh!" Ginny squealed, bouncing in her seat. "I hope I win! I hope I win!"

Draco watched her bounce with a glazed look on his face. "I hope you do to," he said feverently.

"Watch it Malfoy!" said Ron.

"I am, I am!" Draco said, staring at Ginny appreciativly. (If she noticed, she didn't seem to mind.)

"Wait a second," Harry said, reading what was in the parenthses, "I mind! Isn't Draco supposed to be gay?"

"Jealous?" Snape asked, "You really must take after your godfather, Potter. After all, Draco's lusting over you in half the Fan Fics I read and . . ." He trailed off, realizing the horror he'd just admitted to.

"You read fan fiction?" Harry asked incredulously, "On purpose?"

"It's nice to be an object of desire for so many quivering young women," Snape said loftily, "At least I'm not always after Malfoy, unlike some characters I could mention."

"You are so after Malfoy," Remus retorted, "But in your case you're always off nailing Lucius, and that's completely disgusting. At least Draco . . . uh . . . " Luckily Lupin was spared having to say something nice about Draco because the boy was going into shock.

"Snape . . . and my father . . ." Draco whispered, "I think I'll go find a corner to vomit in now."

"Yes," Sirius said, chipping in, "It's a miracle you were even born, Draco, what with Lucius wearing himself out with Snape here all the time."

"I think I'll go vomit with you," Harry said to Draco, and for once the boys were in total agreement.

"Hello!" Patricia called from the stage, "I was about to announce the Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Champion!"

"No one cares!" Sirius snapped.

"You're only acting bitchy because no one was allowed to vote for you," Patricia sniffed, "Now, let's get on with the awarding!"

Everyone clapped dutifully and tried to look interested. Anything was better than another round of 'Rocky.'

Patricia leapt to her feet, crossed her arm, and tonked her head like the girl from "I Dream of Jeanie." Instantly her jeans and tank top became a tuxedo, her hair in a sleek ponytail, and her nails painted crimson red.

"Hmmm," Draco said, "She cross-dresses pretty nicely, don't you think?"

"It's so painfully obvious that you're in denial about your sexuality," Harry said, then turned to face the stage before Draco could retort.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen," Patricia said in a passable MC voice, "Here are our runner ups for the Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Championship! In alphabetical order . . .

"Bones, Susan!" A girl that no one knew anything about, except she was always being mysteriously mentioned, shrieked and ran for the stage. A tiny tiara was placed on her head by the Weasley twins, who had decided to throughly enjoy this whole abduction production. Susan was led to the side of the stage, roses dropped into her arms, and a spotlight fixed on her so everyone could be envious.

"Lupin, Remus!" Remus squealed with excitement, slipped away from Sirius, and received his own small tiara and roses. He waved happily to the crowd.

"Thank you Mummy, for always telling me I was different from the other boys!" The Weasley twins took him to the opposite side of the stage, where he radiated happiness.

"Potter, Harry!"

"Well that was unexpected," Harry muttered, his cheeks a flaming red. But he got up agreeably enough and walked to the stage, accepting his tiara and roses graciously to enthusuastic applause. The Weasleys handed him an additional trophy for "Loveliest Eyes," a title he'd won courtesy of Mako Elf.

Then all hell broke loose.

"Snape, Severus!"

Snape screamed and tried to escape, but the Weasleys were faster than he was. They tackled the poor potions master with a satisfying thump (I can assure you that he got lots of good insults in, all of them unprintable) and dragged him to the stage in a flurry of flailing legs and fists.

"It's just a little tiara!" Fred reassured him, "You're being silly!"

Snape relaxed, glaring at both of them. "Oh all right," he snarled, "Unhand me!"

Silly Weasley twins, to trust the Snape in the grass! With a growl of pure rage, Snape dove at Fred.

"Yaaaahhhhhh! He's biting my leg, he's biting my leg!"

"Shoot it!" George screamed, dancing around excitedly. "Shoot it, shoot it!"

"No!" Patricia cried, "He's a beauty pageant contestant, not a wild animal!"

"What do we do?" Fred cried, "He's gnawing through my skin!"

"Oh, if only Hagrid were here!" Ginny wailed.

"I'm here, I'm here," Hagrid said, pushing his way to the front of the theater, "What's all this about?"

"Snape's biting my leg off!" Fred howled.

"Aw, 'e's just playin' Fred. Bein' all friendly like, he is."

"The pain, the pain!"

Hagrid heaved a heavy sigh. "Well, I s'pose you'll want 'im off then?"

"Save him Hagrid!" wailed George, completely devastated that his brother was being gnawed upon by a vicious potions master.

"Well," Hagrid said thoughtfully, going into his teaching mode, "The key to tamin' any wild beast is to know how to calm 'im. Try givin' 'im a pat there, Fred."

"Are you out of your bleeding mind?" George shrieked, "You need to do something!"

"Pat 'im, pat 'im!" Hagrid urged, but a ferocius growl rattled from Snape's chest and his eyes rolled madly. His teeth must have ground a bit harder into the calf he'd caught, because Fred yowled and began to run around the stage, dragging Snape after him.

"Watch out!" Patricia cried, "You'll break his teeth!"

Fred stopped completely. "I can assure you," he said furiously, "That nothing short of napalm will break these teeth." Then he began running about again.

George caught up a handy baseball bat and began to chase his brother. "Hold on, Fred! I've got a stick to whomp him with!

"Run, Fred, run!" the entire audience cried. (It brought a tear to Patricia's eye to see them all participating so nicely together.)

"Now I remember!" Hagrid said, snapping his fingers, "Snape's calmed by the same thing ole Fluffy is; just a bit of music an' he'll be put right." He turned to the audience. "Right everyone, on three."

"Wait, what are we singing?" Ron asked, "Does anyone have a lyric sheet?"

"It don't matter what you sing," Hagrid said, "Even just hummin' a little should do the trick."

"No, no, it does matter," Patricia protested, "We should all sing something together. After all, this play is all about unity!"

"She is batty, ain't she?" Hagrid said wonderingly.

"Whatever you do, do it quickly!" Fred begged, "He's chewing my skin off and getting my robe all spitty!"

*
Par-ti-ci-pation: What shall it be, my friends? Will you endanger your souls by allowing Snape to bite off Fred's leg? If he has one leg, will he and George still be twins? Will you allow Snape to be bashed on the head by a bat?

Nay!

Choose a song, any song, and save the day! (Rhymes, Jeeves, Rhymes!)

a) "Snape is Pretty" to the tune of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story
b) "Potions Aswirl" to the tune of "Part of that World" from The Little Mermaid
c) "Bitey Man" to the tune of "Barbie Girl" by Aqua
d) Something completely different (rev that imagination, and all that!)

Hurry! Fred's leg is in your hands!

Ew.