Not much intro-garbage for this one, although I can gurantee that the chapter to follow will be the dumbest one yet. I hate to disappoint those who share my sense of humor.
Seeing 'Lord of the Rings' again tonight. Tried to talk the friend into 'Harry Potter' again, but she refused. My wails that I'd only seen it three times did not move her. She is heartless.
[Time passes]
Well, I'm back. 'Lord' was sold out, so we saw 'The Royal Tenenbaums' instead. Brilliant! Rush right out and see that movie now, now now! Here, without any spoilers, are the best things about the movie:
1) Everything was delivered with glorious deadpan humor.
2) Gwyneth Paltrow was not her usual irritaing self - her performance was excellent, actually.
3) Angelica Houston. She was gorgeous and perfect as Morticia, and she turns in a steller performance
as Etheline Tenenbaum.
There were lots of other fantastic roles as well, but these are the ones that come to mind immediatly.
On with the play!
Oh wait, one last thing. The Most Brilliant Snape Line of All Time is in this chapter. Hopefully it's as great as I think it is, otherwise I'll just feel stupider than usual.
Or, The Disaster that is Created when Creativity Meets Caffeine and Anxiety
Chapter 4: The Closet of Secrets
Or, The Room in Which Sirius Needs to Take Up Permanent Residence, Because He Refuses to Come Out Anyway,
and Sirius You Aren't Fooling Anyone, so Grow Up and Admit that You're a Tonk and Moony has You for
Breakfast (Thanks Quiz!).
"My leg!" Fred screamed, catching up the readers as to what had been happening when they last left our epic piece of cinematic grandeur, "Snape's biting my leg off!"
"Hurry everyone!" Patricia cried, "If you believe in fairies, clap your hands!"
"Wrong line," Hagrid muttered to her,"We was s'posed to sing."
"Oh right," Patricia said, "Aurora! Get up here! Singing is your bag, girlo!"
Aurora Hyperion, who first appears in Chapter Seven of the "Ember and Serpent" series, grabbed Ginny and dragged her on stage. "Ginny's got a lovely voice," Aurora said, "And I need someone to sing harmony."
"Fuck harmony!" George screeched, "Just save his leg!"
"Watch your language!" Aurora said indignantly, "It's not as though we're just sitting around and wasting time, waiting for votes to come in! We're doing you a favor, you know."
"Um, Aurora?" Ginny said timidly, "Could we please start this song while Fred is still breathing?"
"Oh fine," Aurora groused. She took her wand from her pocket (yew, 12 inches, dragon heartstring) and a gold ribbon ran from the tip, creating glowing words in the dim theater.
"I'm not singing that!" Sirius screeched.
Remus slapped him. "Hold yourself together man! It's for Fred Weasley!"
"Better 'urry," Hagrid said, "Or Snape's jaw might lock."
"That would be tragic," Ron whispered to Hermione.
"We'll save him!" Aurora said valiently, "Snape, I mean, not Fred. It just so happens that Snape's attached to Fred, so Fred gets saved in the process. I'd cry if Snape got lockjaw."
"Please Aurora!" Ginny screamed.
"Oh right," Aurora said. The room filled with music and Aurora and Ginny began to sing, harmonizing beautifully.
"Snape is pretty,
Oh so pretty,
He is pretty, and snitty, and bites!
And we pity,
Any man who isn't Snape tonight."
"Snape is naughty,
Oh so naughty,
And it's wicked how naughty we feel!
We're all looking,
To see what his robe will rip and reveal!"
"See that potion's master standing there,
Who can that attractive man be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty nose,
Such a pretty bite,
Such a pretty Snape-y!"
"Snape is biting,
Fred is screaming,
And it's music to pretty Snape's ears!
So much nicer,
Than anything sung by Britney Spears!"
(Everyone joined in, standing up in their seats and singing for all they were worth, a wall of sound soothing the ferocious Snape.)
"Have you met the hot potion's master,
The sexiest professor at school?
Admire his grimace and glower,
But please do ignore the gallons of drool."
"He's really quite pretty,
He's everyone's type,
Sweet Potion's Master,
Come see me tonight!"
"Call us big sillies,
Call us insane
But Snape's just too pretty,
He should be blamed!"
(At this point, Snape still clung to Fred's leg, but he'd loosened his bite and he listened to the song with his head cocked to one side, rather like the RCA dog. It was adorable, if you're into that sort of thing. His eyes took on a glazed appearance, as if the music entranced him.)
"Look at that hair!
Take in those eyes!
Just imagine,
His sweet and pale thighs!"
"Deranged and demented,
But lovely to see,
We all admit it,
Goddamn is he pretty!"
(Snape suddenly leapt to his feet, and Fred ran for cover. Snape pulled Ginny and Aurora into the center of the stage and whirled them around. Then, to everyone's shock, horror, amusement, dismay, delight, pick your own word, Snape began to sing. And he had a lovely, ringing voice that registered somewhere between tenor and baritone, a lot like Nick Cave, come to think of it. If you don't know who Nick Cave is, go out and buy "Let Love In" immediatly. It's an excellent starting point, and that way you'll know what Snape's singing voice is like. Otherwise, you're in the dark, you silly prat.)
Snape:
"I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I've never felt so pretty before!
Oh so pretty!
Yes I am the Snape who's adored!"
Everyone else:
La la la la . . .
Snape:
"I'm enchanting,
And I'm prancing,
The audience loves looking at me!
They're all knowing,
I'm the prettiest professor they'll see!"
Everyone else:
La la la la . . .
Snape:
"See the pretty Snape standing there:"
All:
"So pretty there!"
Snape:
"Why yes, that attractive man's me!"
All:
"Hot! Wild! Sass! Strut!"
Snape:
"Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty nose,
Such a pretty scowl,
Such a pretty me!"
All:
"Such a pretty Snape-y!
He is stunning!
And entrancing!
See him dancing and prancing for joy!
He is sexy,
But he also fell for our simple ploy."
The music ended and Snape froze, glaring at them all. "Oh fuck you all," he said finally, "I was sick of biting Weasley's leg anyway."
Everyone cheered, then took their seats, rather surprised at their enthusiam. But then again, as Dumbledore had said, everyone loves a musical.
"Well," Patricia said as everyone settled down, "That was very exciting. How's the leg, Fred?"
"Spitty," he said drily, "And I'll have a bruise. But it could've been worse, I suppose."
"Excellent," Patricia said. "Now, we have one more Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Runner Up Champion to name, then we'll crown the Pretty Princess, and we never have to think about this again." There was thundrous applause, and Patricia tried very hard not to look too affronted.
She consulted her list of winners. "Weasley, Ginny."
Ginny shrieked with delight and everyone cheered for her, Draco especially loudly. Harry heard him and tried to drown him out, but as Draco was very enthusiastic it didn't do much good.
"Will you stop making it so obvious you want my sister?" Ron asked with annoyance, "It's really disturbing."
"But she's so bouncy!" Draco said with glazed eyes. Ron would have climbed over the seat and pummelled him, but Hermione held fast to his arm.
"We just saw a fight," she said, "Another one would be repetitious."
Ginny received her crown from her brothers, then went to stand beside Lupin and Harry. Snape was standing beside Susan Bones and he had accepted his tiara with less venom then one might have expected, but he'd made his point about how much he despised the whole affair. The flashy rhinestones were set off very prettily by his dark hair, in case you were wondering.
"And now," Patricia said, "The moment you've all been waiting for! The Sorting Tiara Pretty Princess Champion is . . ."
Sirirus leaned forward in his seat, anticipating his rush to the stage, his acceptance speech planned out in his head. He'd be modest and grateful, excited but serene. Sure, no one had been allowed to vote for him, but he was sure that the readers' intelligence would prevail. Who, but a queen, was fit to wear the fabulous Sorting Tiara?
"Draco Malfoy!" Patricia cried. Siruis's wail of agony at being so snubbed was drowned out by Draco's yell of delight and the Slytherin's wolf whistles, cheers, and general uproar.
"All queer," Ron whispered fiercely to Hermione, "Every last one of them! Sirius is way prettier than Draco."
"Never say that again," Hermione said, looking at him with horror.
"Oh, well, sorry. I meant, on a purely heterosexual level, that Sirius isn't a bad looking bloke, and Draco's a prancing little nitwit, and I'm sorry to see him win."
"Harrumph!" Hermione said.
The Sorting Tiara was placed on Draco's head, a long, red, ermine (well, fake ermine anyway) trimmed cloak was laid over Draco's shoulders, and a dozen long-stemmed roses were placed in his arms. "Thank you!" he cried, fluttering his free hand in front of his face to keep from crying, "Thank you all so much! First I'd like to thank my mummy and daddy for the genes that made you crown me the prettiest of all! Secondly, I'd like to thank Celine Dion for being such an inspiration! Finally, I'd like to say that I'll use my title for only the purest of purposes, like world peace and the distrubution of food to all the hungry people in the world! Bless you all!"
"That's so creepy," Harry muttered to Lupin, who had to agree. Harry was also busy noticing how pretty Ginny looked with a tiara on her head, and that lessened Draco's creepiness quite a bit.
Patricia applauded along with everyone else, looking very pleased that her two favorite characters had done so well. "Well then," she said, "It's time to get down to the real work of this play. Audience members, you have your scripts?"
"Yes!"
"Choir, you have your lyrics?"
"Yes!" cried the House of Ravenclaw.
"Go forth and memorize!" Patricia said, and everyone disappeared except for the players and the techs. "They've gone back to Hogwarts," Patricia said by way of explanation, "Where they'll work dutifully to learn their parts. We'll be doing the same."
"Wish I could go back to Hogwarts," Ron said.
"Oh quit griping," Herminone told him, "At least we won't be missing any classwork with them busy memorizing. All the professors got scripts as well. Or didn't you notice?"
"Sometimes you really bother me," Ron said petualantly.
The theater faded back to it's old, shoddy state, and Patricia was once again in her tank top and jeans. "I liked the theater the other way," Ginny said wistfully.
"Me too," Patricia confessed, "But 'Rocky' has to be performed in a place that looks slightly dubious, otherwise the trashy effect is lost."
"Is trashy really something we're aiming for?" Lupin asked seriously, "I mean, couldn't we have a high end production of the play?"
"Absolutely not," Patricia said firmly, "Techs, go on up to the sound booth and start deciding how you want to handle the effects. I'll consult with you later."
"Will we be able to use magic?" George asked.
"It'll make things so much easier," Fred added.
"Of course," Patricia said, "but I won't remove the block on your powers until we've decided exactly what effects are acceptable and I'm convinced you're loyal to the cause."
"Oh all right," Lee grumbled, and they left the theater.
Patricia shook her wand at the stage and a small room appeared. There was a closed golden door at the front, and in glittery script above it were the words, "The Closet of Secrets."
"This," Patricia said, "is how you'll discover what character you're playing. You'll go into the room, and come out dressed as your character. I want you to start getting into the role you'll be performing right away. It'll make rehersal much more fun."
"Having my fingernails ripped out with red hot pinchers would be a pleasing alternative," Ron griped.
"Oui," Fleur said, "I am very tired of being in dis story. No one fusses over me as they did at 'ogwarts."
"Fine," Patricia snapped, "You can go first."
Fleur looked around uncertainly, wondering if the Closet of Secrets really was safe. "'ow do I know I weel survive?" she asked.
"I'll go first," Draco said valiently, salivating over the elegant quarter-veela, "Then you'll think I'm a hero like Potter." He stood up. "How about a kiss for luck?"
"I 'ope you go in de closet an' never come out," Fleur said nastily.
"Ooh, playing tough to get are you?" Draco asked.
"Oh hurry up Draco," Patricia said, "We haven't got all day."
"Wait!" Draco said, "Are you sure that thing's really safe?"
"Stop being a baby!" Harry said, hoping that the Closet really was dangerous. If something terrible happened to Draco it would make his day.
"I wouldn't endanger my cast!" Patricia said.
Dumbledore stood up. "I'll go first," he said, "There's nothing to be frightened of. I assure you that the Closet of Secrets is perfectly functional. But after I emerge, you must all go into the Closet as Patricia calls you."
"Thank you, Albus," Patricia said gratefully. Dumbledore climbed onto the stage, opened the golden door, and went inside the room.
"If anything terrible happens to the Headmaster, we'll kill her with our bare hands," Hermione said in a threatening voice.
"That was sort of a sexy thing to say," Draco said, "For a Gryffindor, that is."
"One more remark from you, Malfoy, and I'll kill you with my bare hands," Ron growled.
"Ooh, that's kind of sexy too, Weasley."
Ron was about to enter a homicidal rage when the golden door banged open and Dumbledore emerged. He was dressed in a tweed suit, and to everyone's horror he was in a wheelchair.
"Kill her!" Hermione screamed, jumping to her feet.
"Great scott!" Lupin cried.
"No, that's Doctor Scott!" Dumbledore said happily, leaping up to show that his legs still worked. He flopped back into the wheelchair with a grin. "Thank you for letting me keep the beard," he said.
"You'd look silly without it," Patricia replied.
"I have to admit that I quite agree." Dumbledore wheeled experimentally around the stage, then threw himself back in his seat, making the front wheels come off the ground. "I can pop a wheelie!" he said with delight.
"He's bonkers!" Ron said despairingly.
"You're next, Fleur," Patricia said.
She looked at Dumbledore with horror but obeyed, disappearing into the closet. A second later she came out in a frumpy wedding dress. "Dis . . . dis . . . diss is intolerable!" she said, plucking at the fabric.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Betty Monroe!"
Everyone clapped and Fleur returned to her seat, looking dismayed.
"You're up next, Krum," Patricia said, and he clumped onto the stage and through the golden door. He was back a moment later in an atrocious tuxedo.
"Ralph Hapschatt!" Patricia announced, "You're next Neville. Keep it moving."
Nevelle gulped and scurried onto the stage. "Please," he whimpered.
"Go!" Patricia ordered, and the golden door shut behind Neville. A moment later he screamed.
"Neville!" Patricia snapped, "Neville come out this instant."
"I can't!" He sounded completely mortified, but Patricia was a terrible person and she didn't care about Neville's feelings. "Come out at once!" she demanded, "You'll be very sorry if I have to come in and retrieve you!"
The door swung open slowly and everyone gasped in horror. Neville's face was buried in his hands, but it was perfectly obvious who he was playing. He wore a top hat, a sparkly bustier, and tap pants. His legs were encased in fishnets, and tap shoes with ridiculous bows adorned his feet. "Columbia!" Patricia said. Neville took one terrified look at his classmates, then ran for his room.
Draco howled with laughter. "Oooh, Longbottom's a cross dresser!" he said gleefully.
"Be nice," Patricia said, "because it's your turn next and I think you'll appreciate your classmates not laughing."
Draco gulped. "Well," he said weakly, "Anything's better than Columbia." He climbed onto the stage and entered the Closet, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
A second later, Draco screamed, but it was with excitement, not horror. He flung the door open and strutted the length of the stage, letting everyone see how sexy he looked in his gold underwear and boots . . . and nothing else.
"Oh Rocky!" Patricia cried rapturously and Draco flexed. Ginny squealed, and Ron and Harry both shot daggers at her with their eyes.
"He doesn't look half bad," Hermione said with something suspiciously like admiration in her tone.
Ron grabbed her and kissed her deeply. "I didn't want to have to do that," he said, scowling, "But I had to remind you who your man was."
Hermione looked at him with starry eyes. "Took you long enough."
Harry looked at them, then at Ginny. He reached for her tentatively, but Ginny leaned away. "Can it, Harry. I'm busy looking at Malfoy's behind in those pants."
"Oh god," Harry muttered, slumping in his seat and rubbing his scar.
"Does your scar hurt, Harry?" Hermione asked with concern.
"No, but my brain does."
"Snape, you're next," Patricia said.
With every ounce of dignity he could muster, Snape arose from his seat and approached the golden door. "Keep in mind," he said, "That I'll play along for now but I will find a way to murder you before this is all over."
"Stop being so grouchy and get in the Closet," Patricia said.
He gave her a pained expression. "Must you phrase it like that?"
"Fine, the Wardrobe, then. Just stop arguing and do as you're told."
Snape glared at her one last time, then went through the door.
The door stayed closed for a suspiciously long time. Patricia got tired of waiting for Snape to get over the shock of his role and knocked brusquely on the door. "Come on Snape. We're getting tired of waiting."
"Piss off!" he spat.
"It's not that bad!" Patricia said, "Just come out and get it over with."
"It'll take more than you to get me out of this Closet," Snape said, "I'm finished with your little play."
"You're just getting started," Patricia said in a dangerous tone, "Now stop being an idiot and get out here."
"Fuck off."
"Please," Patricia said, changing her tactics, "I knew you were the only one who could play this role; no one else has the capabilities. I know how gorgeous you must look right now, and if anyone laughs I'll put the Crutacious Curse on them. But no one will laugh, because you'll look stunning. You'll knock them off their feet. Please, Snape? I wouldn't have cast you for the role if you weren't beautiful enough to play it."
The door cracked open a bit. "Come inside and keep talking, then we'll see."
"Promise you won't try and kill me?" Patricia asked suspiciously.
"You wouldn't believe me if I said yes," Snape replied.
"Good point," Patricia said, and disappeared into the closet.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Lupin said.
"I've had a bad feeling about this from the very beginning," Sirius said gloomily.
The seconds wore on, became minutes, then an hour. Draco flexed, Dumbledore popped wheelies, Fleur bemoaned her dress, and Neville stayed hidden.
"Vell, at least ve are married," Krum said, trying to comfort Fleur, "You von't haff to deal vith de Hogvarts peoples." He shot a poinsonous glance at Hermione, who was cuddled into Ron's side.
The Closet door remained firmly closed, and the natives were getting restless. "Snape has to have seen reason by now," Lupin said wonderingly, "What can she possibly be saying?"
"Her mouth is probably full," Sirius said scathingly.
"You're going to make me vomit," Harry said. He was only half-listening to their conversation; the majority of his attention was fixated on Ginny and Draco, who were talking in low voices. "God, can't he put on some clothes?" he snapped irritably.
Finally everyone's patience wore out. "Someone has to go and see what they're doing," Lupin said, "You go Harry."
"What, and be destroyed for life?" Harry asked, "Why me?"
"Well, you've seen Voldemort, so whatever's going on in there can't be any worse than the Dark Lord himself."
"Forget it," Harry said, "Make Ron go."
"No way!" Ron said, "You're the hero!"
"But you always bitch about me getting all the attention."
"I've got Hermione," Ron said smugly, "Make Malfoy go."
Everyone looked ay Malfoy and he shrugged. "Why not?" he said, "I'd like to see who Ginny winds up playing anyway. I hope it's Magenta. That little French Maid costume is hot." Ron growled warningly. "But then again," Draco said medatively, "If she plays Janet she seduces me." He looked at Ginny and smiled warmly. "Think you could handle that, sweets?" Ginny giggled.
"Oh, this time I'm really killing him!" Ron exploded.
Hermione held him down. "Let him look in the Closet first. It'll probably make him blind."
"Good plan," Ron said, "Get over to that closet, Malfoy."
Draco sauntered over to the golden door, looking mightly unconcerned considering the horror he was about to experience. He knocked and received no reply.
"Open it," Ron urged.
Draco cracked the door and Marilyn Manson's "Tainted Love," roared out at an unholy volume. Draco opened the door wider and stuck his head in.
"Who's your Potions Master? Who's your Potions Master?" Snape screamed over the music.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Draco slammed the door, then twisted away with his hands over his eyes. "Oh god, oh god!" he wailed.
"Looks like I was right," Sirius said calmly. "Snape always says that before he-" Lupin elbowed him in the ribs and he shut his mouth abruptly. No one had noticed what he'd said though; they just sat there in various states of shock, dismay, and nausea.
"Oh god," Draco whimpered again.
The door swung open and Patricia stood there, dressed in only a sheet. She looked very content. "If you really want to talk to god, Draco, you'd better come inside."
Draco looked at her and shook his head. "It's . . . it's . . . oh fuck it!" He dove into the Closet and the door slammed.
"That's so wrong," Ron said.
"I'm going to be sick," Hermione moaned.
"Slut!" Ginny said, and stormed over to sit beside Harry.
"My mind is officially destroyed," Harry groaned.
Twenty minute later, Draco emerged from the closet looking flushed, dishevled, and very pleased with himself. "I've lost virginities I didn't even know I had!" he reported excitedly.
"EW!" everyone shrieked.
Patricia emerged a moment later, looking just as satiated as Draco. "Ladies and Gentlemen," she said lazily, "it is my pleasure to present . . . Frank-n-Furter."
Snape stepped from the Closet and everyone gasped. Snape wore a black corset, tiny black satin panties, and fishnet hose held up with garters. His patent leather shoes gleamed and his hair was elaboratly styled in wild curls. His lips shimmered with red gloss and he struck a sultry pose. He even seemed to be smiling. "Enchante," he said, in a dead-on imitation of Tim Curry. And everyone, even the straightest among them, had to admit that Snape had fucking amazing legs.
"Now my mind is officially destroyed," Harry moaned. Ginny patted his hand soothingly.
Snape and Patricia sat down in the audience. "Into the Closet, Sirius," she commanded as Snape lit up two cigarettes. He passed one to Patricia and she accepted it gratefully.
"I am not going in there after what you two just did!" Sirius protested, "Make that you three!"
"I want a cigarette," Malfoy whined.
"Forget it," Patricia said, "Your father would kill you."
"Oh, get into the Closet, Black," Snape said in a teasing voice, "Heaven knows you belong in there."
"I'm not gay!"
"Oh fine, whatever you say. Get in there anyway and get into costume."
"Did Snape just say something agreeable?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"Maybe he just needed to get laid," Lupin said.
"I am not getting in that Closet!" Sirius said.
The lobby doors flew open. "That's right, he's not!" said a voice from the back of the theater. An attractive man with curly dark blond hair and blue eyes strode in, "We had an agreement, Patricia."
"Oh hi Chas," Patricia said, "Everyone, this is my best friend, Chas 'Sirius Black isn't gay' Shay."
"Damn straight!" Chas said, "And you and I agreed that Sirius wouldn't be setting foot in that Closet." He reached the front row and plucked the cigarette from her fingers. "I thought you were quitting," he said.
"I lied," Patricia said, and Snape fired up another butt for her.
Chas stepped back and took them both in. Patricia was still a little flushed, and a very satisfied air hung around Snape as well. "What have you been doing, Trishy?"
"What I said I was going to do."
"Bad Trishy!" Chas admonished, and reached for her second cigarette. She stuck her foot against his chest and held him away from it.
"Obviously we're at an impass," she said, "And it's time to bring the readers into play. Let them decide who plays that role."
"We had an agreement!"
"It's off," Patricia replied.
"Okay," Chas said to the readers, "Who would you cast as Eddie? Patricia thinks Sirius would make a great Eddie, namely because Snape would get to kill him with a sledgehammer. I, however, vote for Hagrid, because seeing Neville as Columbia and Hagrid as Eddie do the dance number would be a lot more humorous than seeing Siruis and Neville do the same thing. If you have a completely different suggestion, feel free to submit that too. If you spare Sirius from his terrible fate, he'll be kept on as a techie, so he'll still be around to defend himself when Patricia starts bashing on him again." He glared at his friend. "I can't believe you slept with Snape. That's disgusting."
"I can assure you," Patricia said, blowing smoke at him, "That there was no sleep involved. And Draco came in at the end."
"That sentence is so laden with innuendo that I don't even want to think about it," Chas said.
Par-ti-ci-pation: Well, dear readers, who will play Eddie? Will it be Hagrid or Sirius or some character I haven't thought of? Let your thoughts be known!
