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Duello
A Final Fantasy VIII fan fiction
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Disclaimers: Final Fantasy is a property of Squaresoft. I suck at writing so please R/R
He didn't want to duel, truth be told. One look at Seifer's face told him the other man was not up to it. The training he had said he had been taking had not improved his skills as he expected, Squall supposed. But it was fated they were to meet again, like this, to finally find out whose will is stronger, to find out if their feelings were true, and if so, what they were to be.
They stood in the middle of a clearing near the waterfalls, their gunblades at their sides, looking at each other, visually gauging each other. Seifer had always been his equal, even way back, but they've last sparred with each other a long time ago. Both of them have changed, for better or worse they couldn't tell yet, but then, did it matter so much? In the end, sometimes luck could take an upper hand in deciding the winner of a duello like this.
He brought his gunblade up, testing its weight. It's been a long time since he'd held it in his hands. But its presence felt the same, and he didn't hesitate to bring it up, like so, both hands on the hilt. Seifer did the same, on guard, wary, preparing to be on the defensive. No matter how good his form was, there was hesitation, as if he's not used to fight anymore. Or he didn't want to fight Squall in particular. Squall decided to press this to his advantage.
He struck, a long diagonal slash to Seifer's left. The timed guard was there, he saw, as Seifer parried it, but it was unlike his rival's famed killing instincts of yore. His own left side had been open, enough that if Seifer had decided to pursue the opening a quick parry and push on the blade would have freed Seifer's gunblade long enough to slash at it. But Seifer just hung back, defensive. It was mechanical, just a trained reflex, and the soul of fighting was not there in those darkened eyes. He didn't want to fight, afraid to deal the finishing blow. That was the thing he's missing. And Squall felt the same.
But it had to end now, he thought. No matter what happened, this duel was going to decide what he planned to do in the future. He didn't know how, but it did. The outcome might not be set, might still change, with each motion they made, in the nexus of chances and possibilities, but whatever happens, if one of them falls, then it was the end. For whatever they could have been, before that fall.
Seifer must have read his thoughts, because he nodded, and launched a flurry of blows that sent sparks flying from wherever their blades met. He wasn't going to give up without a fight.
And to him, that was the Seifer he knew.
Their blades sang, as steel met steel, sparks flying. The only sound other than that was the splash of the waterfalls. Nature had fallen mute, in waiting for this duel. The water whispering secrets as they started to gasp for breath, breaking away from each other long enough to circle and recover their own strength.
------------------------
Seifer saw the look in Squall's eyes, and knew as Squall did, knew deep from within, whatever the outcome, it'll decide what they would become. This was going to be a duel to the death, not the death of a person, but a death of whatever possibilities they could be that they would not seize. If Squall won, that meant he would remain as cool and uncaring as he's been, all this time. And he didn't want that to happen.
And so he fought on, his sword technique rusty, but he started to develop confidence as Squall in turn faltered, unprepared for the determined onslaught he set. Squall was never good at facing his demons, as he, but that usually meant that whoever confronted it head on would win. He knew what Squall's demon was. It was his indecisiveness as to what 'we' meant when it pertains to them. And his was showing his feelings for a person he knew would never love him the way he did.
That would have meant confronting themselves, to reflect and find out what they felt inside, but it was impossible for both of them. They were afraid of committing to this wonderful, unknown thing, this sort of relationship that would redefine themselves. Because loving meant they have to face each other, with no hesitation or concealment, just looked at each other with clear eyes and the emotions in their hearts, may it be hate or love or indifference.
And yet Squall remained all unknowing about what his own feelings were. It was hopeless to even think of trying to convince him that they did have a chance, a slim chance, but still a chance, if both of them would just agree to face themselves at last. But he knew he didn't have enough courage to do so, and felt that Squall's in the same conundrum.
But why did he let his skills determine his fate?
He wasn't going to let a sword fight decide what his relationship was going to be with Squall. It was a childish thing to do, like letting a coin toss decide what you want to do in life. For better or worse, they were going to talk this out. And damn the consequences.
He dropped his gunblade to the ground with a clatter, and Squall halted, in midswing. His blade stopped a few centimeters from Seifer's unguarded right arm. His eyes were so filled with confusion, and Seifer knew his own eyes were like that. The uncertainties of this moment caught them, stopping them both from making a move, and then he lifted his hands, both palms open, a gesture to give himself, and his soul, to the only one who could master it.
------------------------
Squall slowly put down his gunblade, confused. Seifer's eyes were filled by hopelessness. He had made the first move this time, and it was Squall's turn. Squall knew Seifer was aware he could turn away, right now, and never look back. He knew that Seifer was aware it was most likely what he would do. He wasn't willing to risk everything all because Seifer extended his hands in that gesture of capitulation, or because Seifer said he loved him. Or because he ran away when he wanted was to find out what those words meant.
And still he didn't know what were the truths and what were the lies. Seifer did that gesture to signify that whichever was true, he was here. And he wasn't sure if he wanted Seifer that way. He had to decide, at last, on his own, without any preamble at all. He was afraid of making the wrong decision.
But what would be the wrong decision? Can any decision except for no decision be wrong? In the end, even if he stalled right now, he was going to decide, and deciding later was no different to deciding now. This was between them. No one else should influence it. Not even Rinoa. Rinoa who seemed like a far away
mirage. She was starting to flirt, a lot, she was bored with him. Did that mean that a few months from now Seifer would realize he didn't actually want Squall at all? And why did that hurt more than Rinoa's betrayal now?
As if Seifer could read his mind he dropped his hands from that gesture. Seifer closed his eyes, bowed his head. "I understand, Squall."
"You don't understand!" Suddenly angry, he dropped the sword to the ground, not caring if its sharp edge got dulled by the impact with the ground or if its mechanism got jammed with dust. Now it was Seifer walking away from him. He grabbed Seifer's upper arms, causing the other man to look at him with turbulent eyes. Eyes filled with so much undisguised pain and sadness at the decision he had supposedly made.
Silence. The waterfalls going on, as if nothing happened. Water rushing away, taking away uncertainties.
All he wanted to do was to end the hurt in those eyes. All he wanted to do was to erase the hurt in them. That thought burned itself into him, urging him to do what he must.
He kissed Seifer's open mouth, not caring anymore about anyone else, forgetting Rinoa, forgetting what the others would say, just savoring the feel of Seifer's mouth under his, the touch of their bodies pressed together. And then Seifer responded to him, and he shattered under the sudden warmth flowing between them. It flooded him, sweeping him away. Suddenly afraid of these emotions, he pushed himself away, looking down at Seifer's face.
What would Seifer say? What would Seifer do? He wasn't sure if his actions would be well-received. Why would it? It was unexpected, uncalled for. Seifer was probably thinking he made the wrong choice himself by choosing Squall.
Seifer's eyes were closed, as he tried to catch his breath. His lips were still parted, and he closed them when he opened his eyes. Seifer smiled, his eyes alit with laughter and happiness, transforming his face by the joy suffused on it. And the tempestuous emotions in Squall righted, at the sight of that smile. He had finally decided, after so much soul searching. And it felt so right.
He pressed his lips against Seifer's again, letting the warmth flow easily between them. The passion slowly ebbed a bit, but the warmth remained, filling him. He felt easy deep in him, and he realized why.
Seifer and he, they had been matched since the very beginning. They had parted ways, for so long, to be prepared to give themselves freely, to each other, to let nothing stand between them. And at this moment, in this duel, it came to both of them.
"You love me," Seifer whispered, unsure, and yet sure.
"If this is love, if this rightness of being here now is love, then I am happy to love. I can't help it. I want this the same way you do, I guess."
"This is so strange," Seifer admitted, looking down between them. "I was glad to have been given a chance to say what I felt, but with you feeling...this way too, I guess I didn't dream there was actually a chance we could be together. No matter if I thought there was, I knew somewhere in me was skeptical or something. You have to admit, Squall, it was impossible for us from the start."
"I know. And yet we're here."
"I'm afraid of this." Seifer looked up, daring Squall to say he wasn't.
"Me too," he admitted.
Seifer moved away a bit, pressing a hand on Squall's chest. "It's like a force of nature. I want to live like this, with you, no matter what they say."
Squall pressed the hand with his own, tightening his hold. "Yes, me too."
"But what about--Rinoa?"
Squall dropped his hand. He hadn't wanted to be reminded, but it had to be dealt with. He was still officially involved with Rinoa, and he had to tell her about him and Seifer. But how was the question he didn't know how to answer, and Seifer knew he had to think about it as well. "I don't know. Thirty minutes ago we were thinking about killing each other, and now we're here, thinking of love. But all I can say is I have to tell Rinoa."
"I'll be there with you, Squall."
"No, please. I think I'd better go alone."
Seifer tilted his head. "This is the first time you told me 'please'. And yet that won't distract me. I'll be there, because this concerns both of us, and her. I'll feel like--I hate the term but--I'll feel like the 'third party' who ruins a partnership. At least bring me along to explain to Rinoa we didn't expect this at all." He looked sideways, as if expecting Rinoa to burst in there with a submachine gun aimed at him.
Squall sighed, not liking the idea of this, but he had no choice. "Oh, I'm not sure if this won't end with both of us alive. The rest will give her the sympathy votes. Imagine what Quistis and Selphie would do to us."
Seifer shivered at the mental image of the two in dominatrix. Squall automatically put an arm around him to draw him closer. "It doesn't matter, Seifer. At least there'll be two of us."
"Yes." Seifer looked up, saw Squall's eyes. "It doesn't matter if they kill me. I'll die happy."
"Well, I won't. We have to remain alive for me to be truly happy. Then I can die. It feels weird talking for so long, but don't say we'll end up dead before we tell them. You still have to teach me to fish."
"That has got to be the lamest, most pathetic excuse--"
" 'I'm off to practice in the forest nearby, so Squall and I can spar later.'" Squall shot back, and Seifer had the grace to blush.
"So it isn't the greatest excuse in the world, but back then my biggest ambition was to escape from there before you carved me up like a Thanksgiving turkey for fulfilling my higest ambition, which was to tell you how I felt."
"It doesn't matter. My highest ambition is to make you happy, Seifer," he whispered, as he pressed a kiss on that scar, just like that morning after, which seemed so long ago.
"You already have."
"Then I am fulfilled."
"As I, Squall." He embraced the other man completely, protecting and being protected. Squall smiled, glad that in the end, they'd figured out what they wanted.
------------------------
"Crossroads and bridges
We've come through a lot of trying stages
Our love sets us free
From the realms of our own
Self made cages"
-Perfect, True Faith
There, an improved (but not by much) version. Threw the old version out to the
rabble too.
Duello
A Final Fantasy VIII fan fiction
======
Disclaimers: Final Fantasy is a property of Squaresoft. I suck at writing so please R/R
He didn't want to duel, truth be told. One look at Seifer's face told him the other man was not up to it. The training he had said he had been taking had not improved his skills as he expected, Squall supposed. But it was fated they were to meet again, like this, to finally find out whose will is stronger, to find out if their feelings were true, and if so, what they were to be.
They stood in the middle of a clearing near the waterfalls, their gunblades at their sides, looking at each other, visually gauging each other. Seifer had always been his equal, even way back, but they've last sparred with each other a long time ago. Both of them have changed, for better or worse they couldn't tell yet, but then, did it matter so much? In the end, sometimes luck could take an upper hand in deciding the winner of a duello like this.
He brought his gunblade up, testing its weight. It's been a long time since he'd held it in his hands. But its presence felt the same, and he didn't hesitate to bring it up, like so, both hands on the hilt. Seifer did the same, on guard, wary, preparing to be on the defensive. No matter how good his form was, there was hesitation, as if he's not used to fight anymore. Or he didn't want to fight Squall in particular. Squall decided to press this to his advantage.
He struck, a long diagonal slash to Seifer's left. The timed guard was there, he saw, as Seifer parried it, but it was unlike his rival's famed killing instincts of yore. His own left side had been open, enough that if Seifer had decided to pursue the opening a quick parry and push on the blade would have freed Seifer's gunblade long enough to slash at it. But Seifer just hung back, defensive. It was mechanical, just a trained reflex, and the soul of fighting was not there in those darkened eyes. He didn't want to fight, afraid to deal the finishing blow. That was the thing he's missing. And Squall felt the same.
But it had to end now, he thought. No matter what happened, this duel was going to decide what he planned to do in the future. He didn't know how, but it did. The outcome might not be set, might still change, with each motion they made, in the nexus of chances and possibilities, but whatever happens, if one of them falls, then it was the end. For whatever they could have been, before that fall.
Seifer must have read his thoughts, because he nodded, and launched a flurry of blows that sent sparks flying from wherever their blades met. He wasn't going to give up without a fight.
And to him, that was the Seifer he knew.
Their blades sang, as steel met steel, sparks flying. The only sound other than that was the splash of the waterfalls. Nature had fallen mute, in waiting for this duel. The water whispering secrets as they started to gasp for breath, breaking away from each other long enough to circle and recover their own strength.
------------------------
Seifer saw the look in Squall's eyes, and knew as Squall did, knew deep from within, whatever the outcome, it'll decide what they would become. This was going to be a duel to the death, not the death of a person, but a death of whatever possibilities they could be that they would not seize. If Squall won, that meant he would remain as cool and uncaring as he's been, all this time. And he didn't want that to happen.
And so he fought on, his sword technique rusty, but he started to develop confidence as Squall in turn faltered, unprepared for the determined onslaught he set. Squall was never good at facing his demons, as he, but that usually meant that whoever confronted it head on would win. He knew what Squall's demon was. It was his indecisiveness as to what 'we' meant when it pertains to them. And his was showing his feelings for a person he knew would never love him the way he did.
That would have meant confronting themselves, to reflect and find out what they felt inside, but it was impossible for both of them. They were afraid of committing to this wonderful, unknown thing, this sort of relationship that would redefine themselves. Because loving meant they have to face each other, with no hesitation or concealment, just looked at each other with clear eyes and the emotions in their hearts, may it be hate or love or indifference.
And yet Squall remained all unknowing about what his own feelings were. It was hopeless to even think of trying to convince him that they did have a chance, a slim chance, but still a chance, if both of them would just agree to face themselves at last. But he knew he didn't have enough courage to do so, and felt that Squall's in the same conundrum.
But why did he let his skills determine his fate?
He wasn't going to let a sword fight decide what his relationship was going to be with Squall. It was a childish thing to do, like letting a coin toss decide what you want to do in life. For better or worse, they were going to talk this out. And damn the consequences.
He dropped his gunblade to the ground with a clatter, and Squall halted, in midswing. His blade stopped a few centimeters from Seifer's unguarded right arm. His eyes were so filled with confusion, and Seifer knew his own eyes were like that. The uncertainties of this moment caught them, stopping them both from making a move, and then he lifted his hands, both palms open, a gesture to give himself, and his soul, to the only one who could master it.
------------------------
Squall slowly put down his gunblade, confused. Seifer's eyes were filled by hopelessness. He had made the first move this time, and it was Squall's turn. Squall knew Seifer was aware he could turn away, right now, and never look back. He knew that Seifer was aware it was most likely what he would do. He wasn't willing to risk everything all because Seifer extended his hands in that gesture of capitulation, or because Seifer said he loved him. Or because he ran away when he wanted was to find out what those words meant.
And still he didn't know what were the truths and what were the lies. Seifer did that gesture to signify that whichever was true, he was here. And he wasn't sure if he wanted Seifer that way. He had to decide, at last, on his own, without any preamble at all. He was afraid of making the wrong decision.
But what would be the wrong decision? Can any decision except for no decision be wrong? In the end, even if he stalled right now, he was going to decide, and deciding later was no different to deciding now. This was between them. No one else should influence it. Not even Rinoa. Rinoa who seemed like a far away
mirage. She was starting to flirt, a lot, she was bored with him. Did that mean that a few months from now Seifer would realize he didn't actually want Squall at all? And why did that hurt more than Rinoa's betrayal now?
As if Seifer could read his mind he dropped his hands from that gesture. Seifer closed his eyes, bowed his head. "I understand, Squall."
"You don't understand!" Suddenly angry, he dropped the sword to the ground, not caring if its sharp edge got dulled by the impact with the ground or if its mechanism got jammed with dust. Now it was Seifer walking away from him. He grabbed Seifer's upper arms, causing the other man to look at him with turbulent eyes. Eyes filled with so much undisguised pain and sadness at the decision he had supposedly made.
Silence. The waterfalls going on, as if nothing happened. Water rushing away, taking away uncertainties.
All he wanted to do was to end the hurt in those eyes. All he wanted to do was to erase the hurt in them. That thought burned itself into him, urging him to do what he must.
He kissed Seifer's open mouth, not caring anymore about anyone else, forgetting Rinoa, forgetting what the others would say, just savoring the feel of Seifer's mouth under his, the touch of their bodies pressed together. And then Seifer responded to him, and he shattered under the sudden warmth flowing between them. It flooded him, sweeping him away. Suddenly afraid of these emotions, he pushed himself away, looking down at Seifer's face.
What would Seifer say? What would Seifer do? He wasn't sure if his actions would be well-received. Why would it? It was unexpected, uncalled for. Seifer was probably thinking he made the wrong choice himself by choosing Squall.
Seifer's eyes were closed, as he tried to catch his breath. His lips were still parted, and he closed them when he opened his eyes. Seifer smiled, his eyes alit with laughter and happiness, transforming his face by the joy suffused on it. And the tempestuous emotions in Squall righted, at the sight of that smile. He had finally decided, after so much soul searching. And it felt so right.
He pressed his lips against Seifer's again, letting the warmth flow easily between them. The passion slowly ebbed a bit, but the warmth remained, filling him. He felt easy deep in him, and he realized why.
Seifer and he, they had been matched since the very beginning. They had parted ways, for so long, to be prepared to give themselves freely, to each other, to let nothing stand between them. And at this moment, in this duel, it came to both of them.
"You love me," Seifer whispered, unsure, and yet sure.
"If this is love, if this rightness of being here now is love, then I am happy to love. I can't help it. I want this the same way you do, I guess."
"This is so strange," Seifer admitted, looking down between them. "I was glad to have been given a chance to say what I felt, but with you feeling...this way too, I guess I didn't dream there was actually a chance we could be together. No matter if I thought there was, I knew somewhere in me was skeptical or something. You have to admit, Squall, it was impossible for us from the start."
"I know. And yet we're here."
"I'm afraid of this." Seifer looked up, daring Squall to say he wasn't.
"Me too," he admitted.
Seifer moved away a bit, pressing a hand on Squall's chest. "It's like a force of nature. I want to live like this, with you, no matter what they say."
Squall pressed the hand with his own, tightening his hold. "Yes, me too."
"But what about--Rinoa?"
Squall dropped his hand. He hadn't wanted to be reminded, but it had to be dealt with. He was still officially involved with Rinoa, and he had to tell her about him and Seifer. But how was the question he didn't know how to answer, and Seifer knew he had to think about it as well. "I don't know. Thirty minutes ago we were thinking about killing each other, and now we're here, thinking of love. But all I can say is I have to tell Rinoa."
"I'll be there with you, Squall."
"No, please. I think I'd better go alone."
Seifer tilted his head. "This is the first time you told me 'please'. And yet that won't distract me. I'll be there, because this concerns both of us, and her. I'll feel like--I hate the term but--I'll feel like the 'third party' who ruins a partnership. At least bring me along to explain to Rinoa we didn't expect this at all." He looked sideways, as if expecting Rinoa to burst in there with a submachine gun aimed at him.
Squall sighed, not liking the idea of this, but he had no choice. "Oh, I'm not sure if this won't end with both of us alive. The rest will give her the sympathy votes. Imagine what Quistis and Selphie would do to us."
Seifer shivered at the mental image of the two in dominatrix. Squall automatically put an arm around him to draw him closer. "It doesn't matter, Seifer. At least there'll be two of us."
"Yes." Seifer looked up, saw Squall's eyes. "It doesn't matter if they kill me. I'll die happy."
"Well, I won't. We have to remain alive for me to be truly happy. Then I can die. It feels weird talking for so long, but don't say we'll end up dead before we tell them. You still have to teach me to fish."
"That has got to be the lamest, most pathetic excuse--"
" 'I'm off to practice in the forest nearby, so Squall and I can spar later.'" Squall shot back, and Seifer had the grace to blush.
"So it isn't the greatest excuse in the world, but back then my biggest ambition was to escape from there before you carved me up like a Thanksgiving turkey for fulfilling my higest ambition, which was to tell you how I felt."
"It doesn't matter. My highest ambition is to make you happy, Seifer," he whispered, as he pressed a kiss on that scar, just like that morning after, which seemed so long ago.
"You already have."
"Then I am fulfilled."
"As I, Squall." He embraced the other man completely, protecting and being protected. Squall smiled, glad that in the end, they'd figured out what they wanted.
------------------------
"Crossroads and bridges
We've come through a lot of trying stages
Our love sets us free
From the realms of our own
Self made cages"
-Perfect, True Faith
There, an improved (but not by much) version. Threw the old version out to the
rabble too.
