AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry 'bout the delay, but fanfiction.net's been acting-up again . . . LOL, thought ya'll might like Chapter 4 . . . As usual, a very special thanx to all the lovely people who are constantly reviewing each successive chapter . . . Keep it up!! I live for reviews!! They make me do a happy dance!!! :D . . . Anyway, here be Chapter 5, featuring the introduction of the Cowardly Lion (thank goodness there aren't any other animal characters, like "The Annoyingly Chipper Squirrel," huh? I can just picture his song: "If I only could be cynical! Da-doop! Da-doop! Da-doop!"), and more insightful criticisms of the X-Files movie by the Storm Cellar Gang plus a Special Bonus: That's right, folks, you get an EPT (Extraordinary Plot Twist) in the Storm Cellar Scenes!! Wow, what a deal!! . . . Anyhow, I think that a majority of you all will find the character who plays the Cowardly Lion to be absolutely perfect for the role, since this, ahem, *certain character* seems to have become somewhat spineless since this *certain character* has become a believer in aliens, and I . . . I guess I'd better shut-up, now, before I give this *certain character* away . . .
Happy Reading!!
Capt. Janeway ;)
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PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY: A man made out of . . . TIN!!!
*
DOGGETT (confused): Okay, now, tell me again: Exactly *why* did Mulder go to the wrong building to look for the bomb?
MULDER (annoyed): Because it said so in the script!!
*
DOGGETT (with each word becoming easier to say): My . . . my . . . my . . . my mouth!! My mouth!! I can talk again!!
SCULLY: What a mess you are!
MULDER: You could say that again . . .
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): Oil my arms, please!! Oil my elbows!!
*
DOGGETT (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had a Heart"):
With a heart I would be mushy,
And sickeningly slushy.
From my machoness I'd dart!
I'd become very boring;
The audience would be snoring
If I ever got a heart!
*
DOGGETT (to SCULLY): Woah, wait just a minute here!! Just because you oiled me doesn't mean I'm going to be your little tag-along for the rest of my life!
SCULLY (glaring at FOWLEY): See why being too early is bad? The Scarecrow and I haven't had any time to become good friends with the Tin Man yet!!
MULDER (not liking SCULLY's choice of words): Friends? With the Tin Man?
DOGGETT (equally dissatisfied): *Good* friends? With the Scarecrow?
*
DOGGETT (muttering): Now you're starting to sound like my significant other . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (eagerly): Really?!
*
MULDER: So, what do you want, Tin Man?
DOGGETT: Well, I think I do want a new axe. This one's nice, but I think I'm about due for a new one.
SCULLY: But you're supposed to want something that has a lot of symbolism attached to it, like a brain, or a heart, or home, or courage.
MULDER: We haven't used courage yet.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): We're saving the courage for the Cowardly Lion, guys.
*
FOWLEY: Well, stay away from her!! (glaring at MULDER:) Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh-me-oh-my. I am so scared.
FOWLEY (ignoring MULDER as she turns her attention to DOGGETT): And you!! I'll make a beehive out of you!!
DOGGETT (giving her an odd look): You know, you really need to work on your threats. Beehive? That doesn't exactly have a threatening ring to it.
*
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT (arm-in-arm as they do that happy little skippy dance down the Yellow Brick Road with QUEEQUEG at their heels as they sing):
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 5 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG as they travel on the Yellow Brick Road. MULDER and SCULLY are very fearful, as they are in a very dark forest. DOGGETT doesn't seem to be very disturbed by the change in setting, but QUEEQUEG hangs back with SCULLY. Suddenly, there is a small but unusual noise coming from somewhere in the bushes:)
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?
MULDER: I don't know . . .
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and--and creepy . . . (suddenly to DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?
DOGGETT (casually): We might.
MULDER (nervously): Aliens? The Monster of the Week?
SCULLY: Members of the Conspiracy? Long-dead relatives?
DOGGETT (giving them an odd look): Uh . . . some, but mostly authors and actors and scripts.
SCULLY (nervously): Authors?
MULDER (also nervous): And actors?
DOGGETT: And scripts.
(They start chanting to the rhythm of "Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!". Each time they chant it a little faster as they walk and eventually skip onward:)
SCULLY: Oh . . . my . . .
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors . . . and actors . . . and scripts . . .
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts . . .
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!!
SCULLY: Oh my!
(Suddenly, there is a loud roar, and they all jump. SCULLY and QUEEQUEG hide behind a tree, while MULDER & DOGGETT dart to the opposite side of the Yellow Brick Road. We see the Cowardly Lion, yes, that's our beloved Assistant Director SKINNER in the lion costume leap out from behind some bushes:)
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on out and fight!! I'll fight you with one arm tied behind my back!! (he puts one arm behind his back) I'll fight you standing on one leg!! (he stands on one leg) I'll fight you with my eyes closed!! (he closes his eyes, but only for a moment; he suddenly notices MULDER and DOGGETT, both of whom are watching SKINNER very carefully Hey! You would be, too, if your boss showed up in a lion costume!)
SKINNER (continuing): Aw, afraid of me, huh? Afraid I might maul you like some lion, huh? Come on, put 'em up . . .
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar, where the lovely Storm Cellar Gang is watching the X-Files movie:)
SCULLY (in the movie, as she presses down on the skin of the corpse in the morgue): It's like . . . It's like *jelly* . . .
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Oooh, we're getting *real* technical, now, aren't we?
SKINNER: Actually, it's a nice break from her usual vocabulary . . . Between Doggett's accent and her big words, I almost feel like I'm in a foreign country when I step in their office . . .
(MULDER coughs loudly.)
SKINNER: Uh . . . *Mulder's* office.
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the FBI.
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would she* woman* the desk?
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.
MULDER (in the movie): So, you're telling me the cause of death on this report is false. That this man *didn't* die from an explosion, or flying debris?
SCULLY (in the movie): I don't know *what* killed this man . . . I'm not sure anyone else could claim to, either.
FOWLEY: Everyone just ignore the fact that you've got a body with an unknown virus right next to you. It's not like it could be contagious or anything.
CAPT. JANEWAY (licking her lips as she tosses her empty bag of popcorn aside): Mmmm . . . Why do salt and grease make such a delicious combination?
DOGGETT (eyeing the bag): I don't know . . .
(Suddenly, he darts for the bag, but CAPT. JANEWAY blocks him at the last minute.)
DOGGETT (reaching dramatically for the empty bag): FOOD!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: No, Doggett! I'm not going to let you get fat!!
DOGGETT: But this is *your* fic!! Can't you make it so that salty, greasy junk food is actually *healthy* for you?!?!
CAPT. JANEWAY (wondering aloud): You know, that's actually not a bad idea . . . I am the author, after all . . .
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY (loudly): DOWN IN FRONT!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (glaring at MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY): C'mon, Doggett, we don't have to watch this stupid movie anymore.
(MULDER & SKINNER glare at CAPT. JANEWAY.)
DOGGETT: We don't?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Nope. You said it yourself: I'm the author, so I can do anything I want in this fic.
DOGGETT (giving CAPT. JANEWAY an odd look): What exactly do you have in mind?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, nothing bad, really . . .
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ask me if I care what you three idiots think!!!
DOGGETT: Get to the point, Capt. Janeway.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well . . . (she whispers something in DOGGETT's ear. Suddenly, he gets a very mischievous grin.)
DOGGETT: Really? You'd actually *do* that?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Of course I would.
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, shut-up, already!!! (turning her attention back to DOGGETT:) Well, what do you think?
DOGGETT (grinning): Let's get started!
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road. SKINNER is continuing his unnecessary taunts at MULDER and DOGGETT:)
SKINNER: Oh, come on, you big *wusses*!! Fight!!
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): *What* did you just say?
SKINNER: I just called you all wusses!!
DOGGETT: Uh-huh, I thought so. Look, the Scarecrow may be a wuss, (MULDER glares at DOGGETT:) but *I* am not a wuss. Got that?
SKINNER: Wuss!! Wuss!! Wuss!!
DOGGETT (angrily): Stop saying that!!
SKINNER: You're nothing but a wuss, Tin Man!!
DOGGETT (picking up his axe): All right, you asked for it . . .
(DOGGETT raises his axe ominously above SKINNER. Fortunately for SKINNER, he darts out of the way just in time . . . Well, except for his tail. His tail is neatly chopped in two little pieces one piece remains attached to the costume. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND rush on the set.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): Look what you've done!! The--the costume!! I don't know *what* I'm going to do with you!!
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you," Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!
SKINNER (eyes lowered): I'm . . . sorry.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, "sorry" isn't going to fix you're costume. I have to return that to the costume rental store place *in one piece,* or else I have to buy it.
SKINNER: You never know . . . It could be helpful to have a lion costume on hand, Capt. Janeway.
(CAPT. JANEWAY glares at SKINNER.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Loyal Stagehand, go get me a roll of duct tape, will you?
LOYAL STAGHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway!! Whatever you say, Capt. Janeway!! You are the wise author of this fic!!
(The LOYAL STAGEHAND darts off-camera.)
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. Everyone is in the theatre except DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY. Many are very concerned by this change of events:)
SKINNER: Does anyone know what's going on?
JIMMY: Well, that Kurtzweil guy just revealed the whole conspiracy to Mulder, and--
SKINNER: No, no, I mean, does anyone know what's happening with Doggett and Capt. Janeway?
MULDER (shuddering): I really don't want to know.
YVES: It can't be *that* bad . . . She does have to keep this a "G"-rated fic.
MULDER: Right, that's what she always *says,* but can we trust that?
FOWLEY (getting frustrated): Look, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just BE QUIET SO I COULD WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Okay, we're back!!!
MULDER (not liking the fact that DOGGETT is off-camera with CAPT. JANEWAY): *We?*
DOGGETT (proudly from off-camera): That's right, you lowly fanfiction character!!
MULDER: Don't forget that *you're* a lowly fanfiction character, too, Doggett!!
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Not anymore.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now officially a co-author of this fic.
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all made fun of me!!!
YVES: So there's *two* of you now?
MULDER (terrified): WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): No, actually you won't, because I've limited Doggett's powers somewhat in order to avoid getting flamed.
FOWLEY: Ha-ha!! Doggett's powers got limited!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring FOWLEY from off-camera): He only has his author powers in the Storm Cellar scenes, and he is not allowed to kill-off anyone.
DOGGETT (reminding everyone from off-camera): But I'm still the co-author.
MULDER (vehemently): I don't like this at all . . .
(Suddenly, a small blue bolt of electricity hits MULDER on the head.)
MULDER (rubbing his head): Ow!! That hurt!!
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Take THAT, you little minion!!
(Cut to: CAPT. JANEWAY, the LOYAL STAGEHAND, MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG gasp!! Can't . . . Get . . . Enough . . . Air . . . After . . . Such . . . A Long . . . List . . . of Names!! on the Yellow Brick Road. The two pieces of the tail have been reunited thanks to a piece of silver duct tape wound around the ends several times. CAPT. JANEWAY and the LOYAL STAGEHAND are examining SKINNER's tail. It appears to meet with CAPT. JANEWAY's approval:)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it looks like that'll do it.
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): I most heartily agree, Capt. Janeway.
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that right, Loyal Stagehand?
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like everything else you do in your fics.
CAPT. JANEWAY (delighted): Isn't that sweet? (turning her attention back to the X-Files characters:) All right, then: Let's take it from . . . Oh, the heck with it!! Let's just skip to the part where the Cowardly Lion attacks Toto!
(The X-Files characters get in their places while CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND exit. DOGGETT and the LOYAL STAGEHAND exchange harsh glares as they pass each other.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (calling from off-camera): Okay, go!
MULDER (annoyed): I believe the word is "action," Capt. Janeway . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (annoyed from off-camera): Whatever! (quietly:) Action.
(SKINNER dives into the bushes after QUEEQUEG, but SCULLY snatches QUEEQUEG before SKINNER can get to the little Pomeranian. SKINNER follows SCULLY and QUEEQUEG out of the bushes. When SKINNER catches up to them, SCULLY slaps SKINNER on the nose. SKINNER begins to cry.)
SKINNER (taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes with his tail as he cries): Ah-waaaah-haaaah!!! Wha--what'd you do that for? Aaaaaaaah!!!
SCULLY (angrily as she holds QUEEQUEG more tightly): Well, what do you expect when you pick-on people who are weaker than you are?!
SKINNER (sniffling as he puts his glasses back on): Is my nose bleeding?
SCULLY (confused): Why, of course not . . .
DOGGETT (in a satisfied voice): *Now* who's the wuss?
SKINNER (wailing): You're right!! I'm nothing but a coward!! I can't scare anything except myself!!
MULDER (sardonically): Hmmmm . . . Interesting. And the Tin Man seems to scare everything *but* himself . . .
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): Shut-up, Scarecrow.
SKINNER (continuing): I stay up late practicing my ferocity and courage, but I can never do it right when people are around . . . Oh, just look at the circles under my eyes!! I haven't slept in weeks!!
SCULLY (getting into her "Medical Doctor" mode): When exactly did this start?
SKINNER (sniffling again): Ever since I started believing in aliens . . . I'm so paranoid!! I'm so scared!! I'm so cowardly!!!
DOGGETT (gesturing toward MULDER): At least you're not so paranoid that you can spot a conspiracy in a bag of tortilla chips, like this guy . . .
MULDER: Shut-up, Tin Man. I'm not paranoid . . . (his eyes dart around nervously:) Everyone just *thinks* I am . . .
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Is it only when people are around?
SKINNER: Yeah.
SCULLY: Hmm . . . Sounds like you've got SAD.
SKINNER: Well, I'm that too . . .
SCULLY: No, SAD is an acronym for "Social Anxiety Disorder." You may want to try taking some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate.
MULDER: Isn't that the drug that makes people really sick when they try to stop using it?
DOGGETT (whispering to MULDER): Shut-up, you idiot!! If we can get him drugged-up, he might be nicer to us on the show!!
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might do the trick.
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.
MULDER: Well, why don't you come with us?
SCULLY: We're on our way to the Capital City to complain about our problems to the President. We're hoping that if we complain enough, he'll give me a way home.
DOGGETT: And give me a new axe.
MULDER: And give me a . . . uh . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Say it, Mulder!!
MULDER (in a quiet voice): Brain.
SKINNER (timidly): Are you sure that . . . Well, you wouldn't be ashamed to be in the company of a cowardly lion like me? I know I would . . .
SCULLY: Of course not, right guys?
MULDER: Right, Dorothy!
DOGGETT: Well, actually, I really would prefer that . . .
(MULDER & SCULLY glare at DOGGETT. DOGGETT quickly aborts his sentence.)
MULDER: To the Capital City?
SCULLY, DOGGETT, & SKINNER: To the Capital City!
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing his song!!
SKINNER (muttering): I was hoping you'd forget . . .
DOGGETT (angrily): Hey, it's only fair!! *I* had to sing a song and do a little dance, so you do, too!!
SKINNER: *Please* can we skip it, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY: No.
SKINNER: Pretty please?
CAPT. JANEWAY (menacingly): Don't make me cut your pay, Skinner.
MULDER (accusingly): Actually, Capt. Janeway, you still haven't paid us for the *last* fic we were in.
DOGGETT (genuinely puzzled): That's funny . . . I got my pay a long time a--
CAPT. JANEWAY (with a sweet smile as she elbows DOGGETT in the ribs): The checks are in the mail, Mulder.
(MULDER gives CAPT. JANEWAY a doubtful look.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): All right, Skinner. Sing.
SKINNER (not very convincingly): Uh . . . I forgot the words?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Sing!!
(SKINNER gives an exasperated sigh, then begins:)
SKINNER (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had the Nerve"):
Well, it's sad, believe me, Scully,
When your bravado is sully
So you're frightened of bugs.
But I would not be spineless,
Just be a guy who is guileless
If I only had some drugs!
Just because I can't say a word
'Cause two people seem a herd!
Oh! If I only had some drugs!
I'd be flashy as a lizard . . .
DOGGETT: I'd be manly as a blizzard . . .
MULDER: I'd be clever as a wizard . . .
SCULLY: If the President's a President who will serve!
MULDER (happily): Then I'm sure to get a brain!
DOGGETT: An axe!
SCULLY: A home!
SKINNER: Mind-altering medication!
(Music changes to "We're Off to See the Wizard." Everyone links arms including CAPT. JANEWAY, who links arms with DOGGETT and her LOYAL STAGEHAND and skips down the Yellow Brick Road as they sing:)
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND (singing):
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
We hear he was a Pres of a Pres,
Or maybe he still is!
We're not sure because all those
Verb tenses really trip us up,
Because, because, because, because, because!
Because we got F's in English class!
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
******************************************************************************
Will the Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Dorothy, and Toto reach the Capital City safely? What will become of them once they reach the Capital City? Will the President give them what they want? And what will happen to the characters stuck in the Storm Cellar now that Doggett is a co-author?
(DOGGETT: You know, Capt. Janeway, you really should cut back on those suspenseful questions . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: Let the experienced expert do her work, Doggett.)
Thank you for being so patient, and please don't forget to review!!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to keep an eye out for Chapter 6.)
Thanx again!! :)
Happy Reading!!
Capt. Janeway ;)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY: A man made out of . . . TIN!!!
*
DOGGETT (confused): Okay, now, tell me again: Exactly *why* did Mulder go to the wrong building to look for the bomb?
MULDER (annoyed): Because it said so in the script!!
*
DOGGETT (with each word becoming easier to say): My . . . my . . . my . . . my mouth!! My mouth!! I can talk again!!
SCULLY: What a mess you are!
MULDER: You could say that again . . .
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): Oil my arms, please!! Oil my elbows!!
*
DOGGETT (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had a Heart"):
With a heart I would be mushy,
And sickeningly slushy.
From my machoness I'd dart!
I'd become very boring;
The audience would be snoring
If I ever got a heart!
*
DOGGETT (to SCULLY): Woah, wait just a minute here!! Just because you oiled me doesn't mean I'm going to be your little tag-along for the rest of my life!
SCULLY (glaring at FOWLEY): See why being too early is bad? The Scarecrow and I haven't had any time to become good friends with the Tin Man yet!!
MULDER (not liking SCULLY's choice of words): Friends? With the Tin Man?
DOGGETT (equally dissatisfied): *Good* friends? With the Scarecrow?
*
DOGGETT (muttering): Now you're starting to sound like my significant other . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (eagerly): Really?!
*
MULDER: So, what do you want, Tin Man?
DOGGETT: Well, I think I do want a new axe. This one's nice, but I think I'm about due for a new one.
SCULLY: But you're supposed to want something that has a lot of symbolism attached to it, like a brain, or a heart, or home, or courage.
MULDER: We haven't used courage yet.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): We're saving the courage for the Cowardly Lion, guys.
*
FOWLEY: Well, stay away from her!! (glaring at MULDER:) Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh-me-oh-my. I am so scared.
FOWLEY (ignoring MULDER as she turns her attention to DOGGETT): And you!! I'll make a beehive out of you!!
DOGGETT (giving her an odd look): You know, you really need to work on your threats. Beehive? That doesn't exactly have a threatening ring to it.
*
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT (arm-in-arm as they do that happy little skippy dance down the Yellow Brick Road with QUEEQUEG at their heels as they sing):
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 5 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG as they travel on the Yellow Brick Road. MULDER and SCULLY are very fearful, as they are in a very dark forest. DOGGETT doesn't seem to be very disturbed by the change in setting, but QUEEQUEG hangs back with SCULLY. Suddenly, there is a small but unusual noise coming from somewhere in the bushes:)
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?
MULDER: I don't know . . .
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and--and creepy . . . (suddenly to DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?
DOGGETT (casually): We might.
MULDER (nervously): Aliens? The Monster of the Week?
SCULLY: Members of the Conspiracy? Long-dead relatives?
DOGGETT (giving them an odd look): Uh . . . some, but mostly authors and actors and scripts.
SCULLY (nervously): Authors?
MULDER (also nervous): And actors?
DOGGETT: And scripts.
(They start chanting to the rhythm of "Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!". Each time they chant it a little faster as they walk and eventually skip onward:)
SCULLY: Oh . . . my . . .
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors . . . and actors . . . and scripts . . .
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts . . .
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!
SCULLY: Oh my!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!!
SCULLY: Oh my!
(Suddenly, there is a loud roar, and they all jump. SCULLY and QUEEQUEG hide behind a tree, while MULDER & DOGGETT dart to the opposite side of the Yellow Brick Road. We see the Cowardly Lion, yes, that's our beloved Assistant Director SKINNER in the lion costume leap out from behind some bushes:)
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on out and fight!! I'll fight you with one arm tied behind my back!! (he puts one arm behind his back) I'll fight you standing on one leg!! (he stands on one leg) I'll fight you with my eyes closed!! (he closes his eyes, but only for a moment; he suddenly notices MULDER and DOGGETT, both of whom are watching SKINNER very carefully Hey! You would be, too, if your boss showed up in a lion costume!)
SKINNER (continuing): Aw, afraid of me, huh? Afraid I might maul you like some lion, huh? Come on, put 'em up . . .
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar, where the lovely Storm Cellar Gang is watching the X-Files movie:)
SCULLY (in the movie, as she presses down on the skin of the corpse in the morgue): It's like . . . It's like *jelly* . . .
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Oooh, we're getting *real* technical, now, aren't we?
SKINNER: Actually, it's a nice break from her usual vocabulary . . . Between Doggett's accent and her big words, I almost feel like I'm in a foreign country when I step in their office . . .
(MULDER coughs loudly.)
SKINNER: Uh . . . *Mulder's* office.
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the FBI.
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would she* woman* the desk?
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.
MULDER (in the movie): So, you're telling me the cause of death on this report is false. That this man *didn't* die from an explosion, or flying debris?
SCULLY (in the movie): I don't know *what* killed this man . . . I'm not sure anyone else could claim to, either.
FOWLEY: Everyone just ignore the fact that you've got a body with an unknown virus right next to you. It's not like it could be contagious or anything.
CAPT. JANEWAY (licking her lips as she tosses her empty bag of popcorn aside): Mmmm . . . Why do salt and grease make such a delicious combination?
DOGGETT (eyeing the bag): I don't know . . .
(Suddenly, he darts for the bag, but CAPT. JANEWAY blocks him at the last minute.)
DOGGETT (reaching dramatically for the empty bag): FOOD!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: No, Doggett! I'm not going to let you get fat!!
DOGGETT: But this is *your* fic!! Can't you make it so that salty, greasy junk food is actually *healthy* for you?!?!
CAPT. JANEWAY (wondering aloud): You know, that's actually not a bad idea . . . I am the author, after all . . .
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY (loudly): DOWN IN FRONT!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (glaring at MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY): C'mon, Doggett, we don't have to watch this stupid movie anymore.
(MULDER & SKINNER glare at CAPT. JANEWAY.)
DOGGETT: We don't?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Nope. You said it yourself: I'm the author, so I can do anything I want in this fic.
DOGGETT (giving CAPT. JANEWAY an odd look): What exactly do you have in mind?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, nothing bad, really . . .
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ask me if I care what you three idiots think!!!
DOGGETT: Get to the point, Capt. Janeway.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well . . . (she whispers something in DOGGETT's ear. Suddenly, he gets a very mischievous grin.)
DOGGETT: Really? You'd actually *do* that?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Of course I would.
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, shut-up, already!!! (turning her attention back to DOGGETT:) Well, what do you think?
DOGGETT (grinning): Let's get started!
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road. SKINNER is continuing his unnecessary taunts at MULDER and DOGGETT:)
SKINNER: Oh, come on, you big *wusses*!! Fight!!
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): *What* did you just say?
SKINNER: I just called you all wusses!!
DOGGETT: Uh-huh, I thought so. Look, the Scarecrow may be a wuss, (MULDER glares at DOGGETT:) but *I* am not a wuss. Got that?
SKINNER: Wuss!! Wuss!! Wuss!!
DOGGETT (angrily): Stop saying that!!
SKINNER: You're nothing but a wuss, Tin Man!!
DOGGETT (picking up his axe): All right, you asked for it . . .
(DOGGETT raises his axe ominously above SKINNER. Fortunately for SKINNER, he darts out of the way just in time . . . Well, except for his tail. His tail is neatly chopped in two little pieces one piece remains attached to the costume. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND rush on the set.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): Look what you've done!! The--the costume!! I don't know *what* I'm going to do with you!!
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you," Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!
SKINNER (eyes lowered): I'm . . . sorry.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, "sorry" isn't going to fix you're costume. I have to return that to the costume rental store place *in one piece,* or else I have to buy it.
SKINNER: You never know . . . It could be helpful to have a lion costume on hand, Capt. Janeway.
(CAPT. JANEWAY glares at SKINNER.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Loyal Stagehand, go get me a roll of duct tape, will you?
LOYAL STAGHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway!! Whatever you say, Capt. Janeway!! You are the wise author of this fic!!
(The LOYAL STAGEHAND darts off-camera.)
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. Everyone is in the theatre except DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY. Many are very concerned by this change of events:)
SKINNER: Does anyone know what's going on?
JIMMY: Well, that Kurtzweil guy just revealed the whole conspiracy to Mulder, and--
SKINNER: No, no, I mean, does anyone know what's happening with Doggett and Capt. Janeway?
MULDER (shuddering): I really don't want to know.
YVES: It can't be *that* bad . . . She does have to keep this a "G"-rated fic.
MULDER: Right, that's what she always *says,* but can we trust that?
FOWLEY (getting frustrated): Look, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just BE QUIET SO I COULD WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Okay, we're back!!!
MULDER (not liking the fact that DOGGETT is off-camera with CAPT. JANEWAY): *We?*
DOGGETT (proudly from off-camera): That's right, you lowly fanfiction character!!
MULDER: Don't forget that *you're* a lowly fanfiction character, too, Doggett!!
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Not anymore.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now officially a co-author of this fic.
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all made fun of me!!!
YVES: So there's *two* of you now?
MULDER (terrified): WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): No, actually you won't, because I've limited Doggett's powers somewhat in order to avoid getting flamed.
FOWLEY: Ha-ha!! Doggett's powers got limited!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring FOWLEY from off-camera): He only has his author powers in the Storm Cellar scenes, and he is not allowed to kill-off anyone.
DOGGETT (reminding everyone from off-camera): But I'm still the co-author.
MULDER (vehemently): I don't like this at all . . .
(Suddenly, a small blue bolt of electricity hits MULDER on the head.)
MULDER (rubbing his head): Ow!! That hurt!!
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Take THAT, you little minion!!
(Cut to: CAPT. JANEWAY, the LOYAL STAGEHAND, MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG gasp!! Can't . . . Get . . . Enough . . . Air . . . After . . . Such . . . A Long . . . List . . . of Names!! on the Yellow Brick Road. The two pieces of the tail have been reunited thanks to a piece of silver duct tape wound around the ends several times. CAPT. JANEWAY and the LOYAL STAGEHAND are examining SKINNER's tail. It appears to meet with CAPT. JANEWAY's approval:)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it looks like that'll do it.
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): I most heartily agree, Capt. Janeway.
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that right, Loyal Stagehand?
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like everything else you do in your fics.
CAPT. JANEWAY (delighted): Isn't that sweet? (turning her attention back to the X-Files characters:) All right, then: Let's take it from . . . Oh, the heck with it!! Let's just skip to the part where the Cowardly Lion attacks Toto!
(The X-Files characters get in their places while CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND exit. DOGGETT and the LOYAL STAGEHAND exchange harsh glares as they pass each other.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (calling from off-camera): Okay, go!
MULDER (annoyed): I believe the word is "action," Capt. Janeway . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (annoyed from off-camera): Whatever! (quietly:) Action.
(SKINNER dives into the bushes after QUEEQUEG, but SCULLY snatches QUEEQUEG before SKINNER can get to the little Pomeranian. SKINNER follows SCULLY and QUEEQUEG out of the bushes. When SKINNER catches up to them, SCULLY slaps SKINNER on the nose. SKINNER begins to cry.)
SKINNER (taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes with his tail as he cries): Ah-waaaah-haaaah!!! Wha--what'd you do that for? Aaaaaaaah!!!
SCULLY (angrily as she holds QUEEQUEG more tightly): Well, what do you expect when you pick-on people who are weaker than you are?!
SKINNER (sniffling as he puts his glasses back on): Is my nose bleeding?
SCULLY (confused): Why, of course not . . .
DOGGETT (in a satisfied voice): *Now* who's the wuss?
SKINNER (wailing): You're right!! I'm nothing but a coward!! I can't scare anything except myself!!
MULDER (sardonically): Hmmmm . . . Interesting. And the Tin Man seems to scare everything *but* himself . . .
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): Shut-up, Scarecrow.
SKINNER (continuing): I stay up late practicing my ferocity and courage, but I can never do it right when people are around . . . Oh, just look at the circles under my eyes!! I haven't slept in weeks!!
SCULLY (getting into her "Medical Doctor" mode): When exactly did this start?
SKINNER (sniffling again): Ever since I started believing in aliens . . . I'm so paranoid!! I'm so scared!! I'm so cowardly!!!
DOGGETT (gesturing toward MULDER): At least you're not so paranoid that you can spot a conspiracy in a bag of tortilla chips, like this guy . . .
MULDER: Shut-up, Tin Man. I'm not paranoid . . . (his eyes dart around nervously:) Everyone just *thinks* I am . . .
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Is it only when people are around?
SKINNER: Yeah.
SCULLY: Hmm . . . Sounds like you've got SAD.
SKINNER: Well, I'm that too . . .
SCULLY: No, SAD is an acronym for "Social Anxiety Disorder." You may want to try taking some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate.
MULDER: Isn't that the drug that makes people really sick when they try to stop using it?
DOGGETT (whispering to MULDER): Shut-up, you idiot!! If we can get him drugged-up, he might be nicer to us on the show!!
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might do the trick.
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.
MULDER: Well, why don't you come with us?
SCULLY: We're on our way to the Capital City to complain about our problems to the President. We're hoping that if we complain enough, he'll give me a way home.
DOGGETT: And give me a new axe.
MULDER: And give me a . . . uh . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Say it, Mulder!!
MULDER (in a quiet voice): Brain.
SKINNER (timidly): Are you sure that . . . Well, you wouldn't be ashamed to be in the company of a cowardly lion like me? I know I would . . .
SCULLY: Of course not, right guys?
MULDER: Right, Dorothy!
DOGGETT: Well, actually, I really would prefer that . . .
(MULDER & SCULLY glare at DOGGETT. DOGGETT quickly aborts his sentence.)
MULDER: To the Capital City?
SCULLY, DOGGETT, & SKINNER: To the Capital City!
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing his song!!
SKINNER (muttering): I was hoping you'd forget . . .
DOGGETT (angrily): Hey, it's only fair!! *I* had to sing a song and do a little dance, so you do, too!!
SKINNER: *Please* can we skip it, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY: No.
SKINNER: Pretty please?
CAPT. JANEWAY (menacingly): Don't make me cut your pay, Skinner.
MULDER (accusingly): Actually, Capt. Janeway, you still haven't paid us for the *last* fic we were in.
DOGGETT (genuinely puzzled): That's funny . . . I got my pay a long time a--
CAPT. JANEWAY (with a sweet smile as she elbows DOGGETT in the ribs): The checks are in the mail, Mulder.
(MULDER gives CAPT. JANEWAY a doubtful look.)
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): All right, Skinner. Sing.
SKINNER (not very convincingly): Uh . . . I forgot the words?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Sing!!
(SKINNER gives an exasperated sigh, then begins:)
SKINNER (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had the Nerve"):
Well, it's sad, believe me, Scully,
When your bravado is sully
So you're frightened of bugs.
But I would not be spineless,
Just be a guy who is guileless
If I only had some drugs!
Just because I can't say a word
'Cause two people seem a herd!
Oh! If I only had some drugs!
I'd be flashy as a lizard . . .
DOGGETT: I'd be manly as a blizzard . . .
MULDER: I'd be clever as a wizard . . .
SCULLY: If the President's a President who will serve!
MULDER (happily): Then I'm sure to get a brain!
DOGGETT: An axe!
SCULLY: A home!
SKINNER: Mind-altering medication!
(Music changes to "We're Off to See the Wizard." Everyone links arms including CAPT. JANEWAY, who links arms with DOGGETT and her LOYAL STAGEHAND and skips down the Yellow Brick Road as they sing:)
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND (singing):
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
We hear he was a Pres of a Pres,
Or maybe he still is!
We're not sure because all those
Verb tenses really trip us up,
Because, because, because, because, because!
Because we got F's in English class!
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
******************************************************************************
Will the Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Dorothy, and Toto reach the Capital City safely? What will become of them once they reach the Capital City? Will the President give them what they want? And what will happen to the characters stuck in the Storm Cellar now that Doggett is a co-author?
(DOGGETT: You know, Capt. Janeway, you really should cut back on those suspenseful questions . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: Let the experienced expert do her work, Doggett.)
Thank you for being so patient, and please don't forget to review!!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to keep an eye out for Chapter 6.)
Thanx again!! :)
