AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did anyone happen to notice how Jimmy just conveniently put in the joke about
whether Scully would "man" or "woman" the desk in Chapter 5 without any mention of his return from
the concessions stand? I sure did (*after* I had posted Chapter 5, sadly . . .), and was I ever
embarrassed! Anyway, I think Doggett & I fixed it all right . . . Omigosh, Agent Lily (a.k.a. Julie)!!
You ACTUALLY gasp! . . . WHAT?!?!! You didn't finish your review?!?! WAAAAH . . . LOL .
. . Anyway, here's Chapter 6!! Yay!! We're getting *extremely* close to the end, folks, which is
good, because I've got a lovely little twist in store for you . . . *sinister snicker* . . . Once again, special
thanx to all those lovely people who reviewed Chapter 5 . . .
(DOGGETT: Keep 'em comin'!! I need to get my money's worth out of you people!!)
What?! Did you just say what I thought you said, Doggett?!
(DOGGETT: Uh . . . That depends on what you think I said.)
You're not *bribing* people into giving us good reviews, right?
(DOGGETT: Well . . .)
*In my version of a Jedi voice*: I have taught you well, my padawan co-author.
(DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY solemnly bow to each other.)
Happy Reading!!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?
MULDER: I don't know . . .
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and and creepy . . . (suddenly to
DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?
DOGGETT (casually): We might.
*
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on
out and fight!!
*
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the
FBI.
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would
she* woman* the desk?
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.
*
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you,"
Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how
mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now
officially a co-author of this fic.
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all
made fun of me!!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that
right, Loyal Stagehand?
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like
everything else you do in your fics.
*
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might
do the trick.
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing
his song!!
*
SKINNER (singing to "If I Only Had the Nerve"):
But I would not be spineless,
Just be a guy who is guileless
If I only had some drugs!
*
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND
(singing):
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 6 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Wicked Witch of the Northeast's Fortress. FOWLEY dressed as the Wicked
Witch and Alex KRYCEK dressed as the Leader of the Flying Monkeys are watching MULDER,
SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG, CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL
STAGEHAND dance their way down the Yellow Brick Road via FOWLEY's crystal ball. The crystal
ball finally goes dark:)
FOWLEY (cackling): Ah-ha! So, you won't take my little warning, eh? So much the worse for you!!
(FOWLEY cackles some more. She walks to a table with an hourglass with bright red sand in it and a
bowl with some red paste in it. KRYCEK follows her.)
FOWLEY: I'll take care of you now, instead of later!
KRYCEK: You know, Diana
FOWLEY (snapping): I'm the Wicked Witch!!
KRYCEK (annoyed): . . . Fine. Wicked Witch.
FOWLEY: Yes, Flying Monkey?
KRYCEK (getting even more annoyed): All right, two things. First of all, you need to stop calling me
"Flying Monkey."
FOWLEY: Why? That's what you are.
KRYCEK: Look, I know Capt. Janeway didn't give us great roles, but we might as well make the most
of them. I'm the *Leader* of the Flying Monkeys!!
FOWLEY (annoyed): What's your second point?
KRYCEK: You need to stop talking to people you see in your crystal ball. They can't hear you, so it
makes you look really stupid.
FOWLEY (sharply): Shut-up, Flying Monkey.
KRYCEK (angry): I'm the *Leader*!!
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, MARITA, and Jeffrey SPENDER enter, all dressed as Flying
Monkeys.)
CSM (puffing at a cigarette): Are you the leader, Alex? Are you really?
KRYCEK: Darn right, Smokestack!!
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, is that supposed to *impress* me? I'm just going to fall *all over* you
now just because you think that you're the leader, even though you're wearing the exact same costumes
*we* are.
SPENDER: Even the same blue make-up with that horrible shade of lipstick!!
(KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN give SPENDER odd looks.)
FOWLEY (ignoring SPENDER as she continues with her lines): When I obtain those ruby slippers, my
powers will be the greatest in Oz!!
KRYCEK: You mean the United States.
FOWLEY (as she pokes at the red paste a little): Whatever. (continuing as she stirs the red paste with
a pestle and walks back to the crystal ball:) Now, my beauty . . .
MARITA (whispering to KRYCEK): I thought you were going to warn her about talking to people in
the crystal ball!
KRYCEK (whispering back): I *did,* but she won't listen to me.
SPENDER: Trust me, she doesn't listen to anyone.
FOWLEY (trying again): A-hem!! Now, my beauty, something with poison in it, I think. (the red
paste begins to bubble and froth as FOWLEY moves it closer to the crystal ball:) Poison . . . But
something attractive to the eye and pleasing to smell . . .
(Suddenly, the red paste bubbles and froths so much that it spills on FOWLEY.)
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
(FOWLEY runs around the room screaming while our favorite Conspiracy people debate the matter.)
CSM: Do you want us to get it off you? Do you really?
SPENDER (to KRYCEK): Don't just stand there!! Go get some water!!
KRYCEK: Won't she melt?
SPENDER (realizing): Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Hmmm . . . What about a fire extinguisher?
KRYCEK (annoyed): That's for fires, not burns, you moron.
MARITA: I say we let her suffer a little bit.
FOWLEY (irate): YOU IDIOTS!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!
CSM (nervously): Should we make her suffer? Should we really?
SPENDER: Well, for once, my dad's got a good point. I'm not sure we should let her suffer.
MARITA: Why not?! With the way she's been bossing us around, she certainly deserves it.
KRYCEK: I'm with Marita.
CSM: Are you going to let Marita control your life, Alex? Are you really?
KRYCEK (glaring at CSM): Shut-up, Smokestack.
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is there, including DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY;
everyone is watching the X-Files movie:)
DOGGETT (watching the movie as he eats an enormous bucket of popcorn): You know, Mulder, you
really should've been kicked-out of the FBI sooner.
(MULDER mutters something that we can't hear.)
DOGGETT: What was that?
MULDER: Nothing.
JIMMY (angrily as he watches the movie): Hey!! They killed that Kurtzweil guy!!
YVES: Jimmy, what have I told you about getting obsessed with movies?
JIMMY: Yeah, I know all that, but . . . they killed the good guy!! That's not supposed to happen in a
movie!!
SKINNER: Unless he happens to be a mysterious informant in an X-Files movie.
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)
MULDER (to DOGGETT): Ow!! Will you cut that out?! It's really annoying.
DOGGETT (trying very hard not to snicker): Whatever you say, Mulder.
(Cut to: In the parking lot for CAPT. JANEWAY's Hollywood studio where the scenes for the Wicked
Witch's Fortress are shot. There is an ambulance, and we see FOWLEY being loaded in the back of
it. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND are talking to the members of the
Conspiracy:)
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Oh, this is just lovely!!
CSM: Is it lovely? Is it really?
SPENDER (making up excuses): But . . . But it was Marita's fault!! *She* didn't want us to do
anything!!
MARITA (angrily): Oh, sure, just put all the blame on me!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she
gets out of the hospital.
KRYCEK: I volunteer Spender for the job.
SPENDER (offended): Hey!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Actually, it's someone else. There's only one other female X-Files character who
isn't doing anything very important right now . . .
(The ambulance pulls out of the parking lot. A matter of seconds later, a small car pulls in the parking
lot. Out of it steps . . .)
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY (regretting her decision): Uh . . . yeah. But first, get that stupid grin off your face.
REYES (still smiling): I don't know what you're talking about.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Stop smiling!! I mean it!! You freak me out when you do that!!
REYES (still smiling): I'm not smiling.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Don't push me, Reyes. I'm not afraid to cut your pay.
(REYES abruptly stops smiling.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Much better.
(Cut to: Back Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is once again watching the X-Files movie:)
FOWLEY (disgusted): This movie makes me sick.
YVES: What do you mean?
FOWLEY (angrily): Because I'm not in it!!
DOGGETT (realizing something): Hey, wait a minute . . . Capt. Janeway? Isn't Fowley supposed to be
in the hospital? Something about a burn?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh . . . Right. You're absolutely right, Doggett.
DOGGETT (getting more confident): And wasn't Jimmy supposed to be getting all this popcorn, candy,
and soda from the concessions stand in Chapter 5?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ummm . . . I can explain that! Really! Just give me a few moments, and I'll think
of something . . .
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in
the plot of this fic.
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!
DOGGETT: We really don't mean any disrespect, Capt. Janeway . . .
MULDER (cutting-in): Yes, we do!!
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): . . . But I think we're entitled to an explanation. After all, I'm the
Co-Author.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Fine . . . But I'll have to cut to another scene, first.
DOGGETT: That's all right.
MULDER: No, it's not!!
(DOGGETT glares at MULDER.)
JIMMY (crying now): Poor, poor Kurtzweil . . .
YVES (severely): Shut-up, Jimmy.
(Cut to: Inside the Wicked Witch's Fortress. We see our four Conspiracy people and REYES
dressed as the Wicked Witch of the Northeast picking-up where FOWLEY left off:)
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .
(Cut to: A poppy field. We see MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG,
CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL STAGEHAND skip into the field. CAPT. JANEWAY and her
LOYAL STAGEHAND walk off-camera while the scene unfolds.)
SCULLY (pointing excitedly ahead): Look!! The Capital City!! Oh, we're almost there!! And it's
even more beautiful than I imagined!!
(Cut to: A shot of Washington, D.C.)
(Cut back to: SCULLY & Co.)
MULDER: That depends on what your definition of beauty is.
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.
DOGGETT: Me neither.
MULDER: Aliens . . .
DOGGETT (menacingly): Don't start, Mulder.
SCULLY: Well, let's go!! We can still get to the Capital City today if we hurry!!
(They all start running toward the Capital City. MULDER & DOGGETT race, each trying to shove
the other out of the way. SCULLY, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG follow, but soon they all become
very tired and stop. MULDER & DOGGETT eventually take notice, and walk back to them.)
MULDER: What's wrong, Dorothy?
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .
so sleepy all of a sudden . . . Toto? Where's Toto?
(Cut to: QUEEQUEG, who is lying in the poppies, sound asleep.)
(Cut back to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER.)
DOGGETT (muttering): Somebody wake up that stupid mutt so we can get to the Capital City already.
SCULLY: Oh . . . Let's rest, first. I'm so tired . . .
(SCULLY lies down next to QUEEQUEG in the poppies.)
MULDER: But we can't stop now, Dorothy! We're almost there!
DOGGETT: Do *I* ever get to take a nice nap in a field of poppies? No . . .
SKINNER (yawning): Come to think of it . . . A little nap sounds nice . . .
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): Not you, too!!
MULDER: You have to help us carry Dorothy and Toto to the Capital City!
SKINNER: We'll have to continue this discussion later . . .
(SKINNER plops down in the field and falls asleep.)
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.
You're carrying the Lion.
MULDER: No, *you're* carrying the Lion!
DOGGETT: Am not.
MULDER: Are too.
DOGGETT: Am not!
MULDER: Are too!
DOGGETT: Am not!!
MULDER: Are too!!
DOGGETT (calling off-camera): CAPT. JANEWAY!!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND walk into the poppy field.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Yeah?
DOGGETT: Mulder's trying to make me carry Skinner.
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something
special that will get you all out of this mess.
MULDER: Like snow?
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving MULDER an odd look): Like whatever I want it to be. Only my Loyal
Stagehand knows what it is.
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): That's right, Capt. Janeway!
(MULDER & DOGGETT both glare at the LOYAL STAGEHAND. When CAPT. JANEWAY isn't
looking, her LOYAL STAGEHAND glares back.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, anyway, go call for help.
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND go back off-camera.)
MULDER (not very convincingly): Help.
DOGGETT: Please, help us.
MULDER: We are in such dire straits. Please help us.
DOGGETT: Anyone. Please. Help.
(Suddenly, REYES appears, floating down in her bubble like she usually does. When she lands, it
bursts, and, as in Chapter 2, it leaves an icky, goopy mess on everyone.)
MULDER (thoroughly disgusted): I can't wait until you get killed-off the show, Agent Reyes.
REYES (ignoring MULDER and smiling sweetly): I have heard your cries for help, and I have found
the solution to your problem.
DOGGETT (not very enthusiastically as he brushes some of the goopy mess off of himself:) Swell.
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!
(The little baby WILLIAM Scully crawls through the poppy field until he reaches REYES's side.
REYES picks him up and holds him out to MULDER & DOGGETT. Not understanding, MULDER
& DOGGETT stare blankly at WILLIAM for a moment, until Mr. Scully decides to let out an
ear-piercing shriek. MULDER & DOGGETT cover their ears:)
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?
REYES (still smiling): You'll see.
(REYES shoves WILLIAM into MULDER's arms before MULDER can protest.)
REYES (eager to get away for *some* reason): Have fun!
(REYES gives her wand a few hasty waves. A new bubble forms around REYES, and she floats
away.)
MULDER: Where did they dredge *her* up?
DOGGETT: You really don't want to know. (shifting his attention to WILLIAM): So, what do are we
supposed to do with him?
MULDER (giving WILLIAM an odd look, but holding him at arm's length): I have absolutely no idea.
(WILLIAM lets out another scream, which startles MULDER so much that he drops WILLIAM. This
causes WILLIAM to scream and wail even more. Reluctantly, MULDER manages to pick WILLIAM
back up.)
DOGGETT (annoyed): You want me to hold him?
MULDER (eager to get away from WILLIAM): Please!
(DOGGETT takes WILLIAM from MULDER, and seems to have a little more control of the situation,
though not by much. WILLIAM calms down for a minute, but then he screams again. DOGGETT,
however, doesn't drop him.)
(Cut to: SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, and SKINNER, who are asleep in the poppy field. They slowly
start to wake up.)
(Cut back to: MULDER and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!
DOGGETT: For once, Reyes had a good idea!
SKINNER (groggily getting to his feet): Uh . . . What did I miss?
SCULLY (getting up as well): Oh . . . I was so sleepy . . .
MULDER: But you're all right now, right?
SCULLY: Mmmm-hmmmm . . . (suddenly seeing WILLIAM:) Oh! William!!
(SCULLY quickly snatches WILLIAM away from DOGGETT and holds him so tight that we begin to
wonder whether it's possible for the poor kid to breathe. CAPT. JANEWAY enters and manages to
pry WILLIAM out of SCULLY's arms. CAPT. JANEWAY runs as fast as she can back off-camera
while SCULLY starts to cry.)
DOGGETT (annoyed): Here we go again . . .
MULDER: I think it's your turn to comfort her, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Actually, I think it's Skinner's turn.
SKINNER (defensively): I'm staying out of this!!
(QUEEQUEG whimpers and hides somewhere in the poppies.)
DOGGETT: So much for Queequeg bailing us out.
MULDER: All right, we'll share.
DOGGETT: Real men don't share.
SKINNER: We aren't real people. We're fictional characters.
MULDER (shrugging): Good enough.
MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (very bored): There, there, Dorothy. Everything's going to be
all right.
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!
(Everyone links arms and dances toward Washington, D.C., with QUEEQUEG at their heels.)
**********************************************************************
ATTENTION ALL WHO ARE READING CAPT. JANEWAY'S FIC ENTITLED "THE OZ
FILES":
1. Firstly, this fic is indeed filled with several plot holes and inconsistencies which Capt. Janeway alone
created and is unable to explain.
2. Secondly, the following changes are taking effect as a result of these plot holes and inconsistencies:
A. Special Agent Diana Fowley ("Wicked Witch of the Northeast" and "Miss Gulch") never was
burned by boiling hot red paste or any other substance of any temperature in any way, and therefore
never went to the hospital. She is granted the ability to portray her character for the rest of this fic.
B. Due to the revisions made in Point A and that annoying smile of hers, Special Agent Monica Reyes
("Glinda, Good Witch of the Southeast") shall remain in her role alone, and therefore never has, is not,
and never will portray the "Wicked Witch of the Northeast."
C. Dimwit and Numbskull James "Jimmy" Bond never offered to get popcorn, candy, and/or soda
from the concessions stand, as he never went to the concessions stand at all whatsoever. Instead, there
was a brief intermission during the X-Files movie which allowed all X-Files characters participating in
the Storm Cellar scenes to purchase popcorn, candy, and/or soda at the concessions stand.
3. Thirdly, both Author Capt. Janeway and Co-Author Special Agent John Doggett agree to these
revisions.
DATED THIS FOURTEENTH DAY OF SEPTEMBER IN THE YEAR TWO-THOUSAND AND
FIVE PLUS SIX MINUS THREE DIVIDED BY FOUR MINUS ONE:
Capt. Janeway, Author
John Doggett, Co-Author
**********************************************************************
Will the Tin Man, Dorothy, Toto, the Cowardly Lion, and the Stupid Scarecrow *ever* get to the
Capital City, or is Capt. Janeway just going to drag the journey out even more? When in the
beeeeeep! will this stupid fanfic end already?!
All right, Doggett, it's *my* turn at the computer. You had your fun with the revisions notice; now I get
to write the end notes.
(DOGGETT: But I was just getting started!)
Right, which is why I stopped you. If you had gone any further, I have a feeling that this wouldn't be a
"G" fic anymore.
Well, anyway, readers, log-on next time for Chapter 7 . . . My goodness! Seven chapters all ready!! I
don't even want to think about how many pages I've written . . .
(DOGGETT: We're *finally* going to get to the Capital City, right?)
I'm not telling. It's a surprise.
(DOGGETTmuttering: I don't like surprises . . .)
See 'ya next chapter!!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review!)
**********************************************************************
whether Scully would "man" or "woman" the desk in Chapter 5 without any mention of his return from
the concessions stand? I sure did (*after* I had posted Chapter 5, sadly . . .), and was I ever
embarrassed! Anyway, I think Doggett & I fixed it all right . . . Omigosh, Agent Lily (a.k.a. Julie)!!
You ACTUALLY gasp! . . . WHAT?!?!! You didn't finish your review?!?! WAAAAH . . . LOL .
. . Anyway, here's Chapter 6!! Yay!! We're getting *extremely* close to the end, folks, which is
good, because I've got a lovely little twist in store for you . . . *sinister snicker* . . . Once again, special
thanx to all those lovely people who reviewed Chapter 5 . . .
(DOGGETT: Keep 'em comin'!! I need to get my money's worth out of you people!!)
What?! Did you just say what I thought you said, Doggett?!
(DOGGETT: Uh . . . That depends on what you think I said.)
You're not *bribing* people into giving us good reviews, right?
(DOGGETT: Well . . .)
*In my version of a Jedi voice*: I have taught you well, my padawan co-author.
(DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY solemnly bow to each other.)
Happy Reading!!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?
MULDER: I don't know . . .
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and and creepy . . . (suddenly to
DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?
DOGGETT (casually): We might.
*
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on
out and fight!!
*
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the
FBI.
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would
she* woman* the desk?
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.
*
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you,"
Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how
mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now
officially a co-author of this fic.
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all
made fun of me!!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that
right, Loyal Stagehand?
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like
everything else you do in your fics.
*
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might
do the trick.
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing
his song!!
*
SKINNER (singing to "If I Only Had the Nerve"):
But I would not be spineless,
Just be a guy who is guileless
If I only had some drugs!
*
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND
(singing):
We're off to bug the President!
The President of the U.S.!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 6 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Wicked Witch of the Northeast's Fortress. FOWLEY dressed as the Wicked
Witch and Alex KRYCEK dressed as the Leader of the Flying Monkeys are watching MULDER,
SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG, CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL
STAGEHAND dance their way down the Yellow Brick Road via FOWLEY's crystal ball. The crystal
ball finally goes dark:)
FOWLEY (cackling): Ah-ha! So, you won't take my little warning, eh? So much the worse for you!!
(FOWLEY cackles some more. She walks to a table with an hourglass with bright red sand in it and a
bowl with some red paste in it. KRYCEK follows her.)
FOWLEY: I'll take care of you now, instead of later!
KRYCEK: You know, Diana
FOWLEY (snapping): I'm the Wicked Witch!!
KRYCEK (annoyed): . . . Fine. Wicked Witch.
FOWLEY: Yes, Flying Monkey?
KRYCEK (getting even more annoyed): All right, two things. First of all, you need to stop calling me
"Flying Monkey."
FOWLEY: Why? That's what you are.
KRYCEK: Look, I know Capt. Janeway didn't give us great roles, but we might as well make the most
of them. I'm the *Leader* of the Flying Monkeys!!
FOWLEY (annoyed): What's your second point?
KRYCEK: You need to stop talking to people you see in your crystal ball. They can't hear you, so it
makes you look really stupid.
FOWLEY (sharply): Shut-up, Flying Monkey.
KRYCEK (angry): I'm the *Leader*!!
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, MARITA, and Jeffrey SPENDER enter, all dressed as Flying
Monkeys.)
CSM (puffing at a cigarette): Are you the leader, Alex? Are you really?
KRYCEK: Darn right, Smokestack!!
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, is that supposed to *impress* me? I'm just going to fall *all over* you
now just because you think that you're the leader, even though you're wearing the exact same costumes
*we* are.
SPENDER: Even the same blue make-up with that horrible shade of lipstick!!
(KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN give SPENDER odd looks.)
FOWLEY (ignoring SPENDER as she continues with her lines): When I obtain those ruby slippers, my
powers will be the greatest in Oz!!
KRYCEK: You mean the United States.
FOWLEY (as she pokes at the red paste a little): Whatever. (continuing as she stirs the red paste with
a pestle and walks back to the crystal ball:) Now, my beauty . . .
MARITA (whispering to KRYCEK): I thought you were going to warn her about talking to people in
the crystal ball!
KRYCEK (whispering back): I *did,* but she won't listen to me.
SPENDER: Trust me, she doesn't listen to anyone.
FOWLEY (trying again): A-hem!! Now, my beauty, something with poison in it, I think. (the red
paste begins to bubble and froth as FOWLEY moves it closer to the crystal ball:) Poison . . . But
something attractive to the eye and pleasing to smell . . .
(Suddenly, the red paste bubbles and froths so much that it spills on FOWLEY.)
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
(FOWLEY runs around the room screaming while our favorite Conspiracy people debate the matter.)
CSM: Do you want us to get it off you? Do you really?
SPENDER (to KRYCEK): Don't just stand there!! Go get some water!!
KRYCEK: Won't she melt?
SPENDER (realizing): Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Hmmm . . . What about a fire extinguisher?
KRYCEK (annoyed): That's for fires, not burns, you moron.
MARITA: I say we let her suffer a little bit.
FOWLEY (irate): YOU IDIOTS!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!
CSM (nervously): Should we make her suffer? Should we really?
SPENDER: Well, for once, my dad's got a good point. I'm not sure we should let her suffer.
MARITA: Why not?! With the way she's been bossing us around, she certainly deserves it.
KRYCEK: I'm with Marita.
CSM: Are you going to let Marita control your life, Alex? Are you really?
KRYCEK (glaring at CSM): Shut-up, Smokestack.
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is there, including DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY;
everyone is watching the X-Files movie:)
DOGGETT (watching the movie as he eats an enormous bucket of popcorn): You know, Mulder, you
really should've been kicked-out of the FBI sooner.
(MULDER mutters something that we can't hear.)
DOGGETT: What was that?
MULDER: Nothing.
JIMMY (angrily as he watches the movie): Hey!! They killed that Kurtzweil guy!!
YVES: Jimmy, what have I told you about getting obsessed with movies?
JIMMY: Yeah, I know all that, but . . . they killed the good guy!! That's not supposed to happen in a
movie!!
SKINNER: Unless he happens to be a mysterious informant in an X-Files movie.
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)
MULDER (to DOGGETT): Ow!! Will you cut that out?! It's really annoying.
DOGGETT (trying very hard not to snicker): Whatever you say, Mulder.
(Cut to: In the parking lot for CAPT. JANEWAY's Hollywood studio where the scenes for the Wicked
Witch's Fortress are shot. There is an ambulance, and we see FOWLEY being loaded in the back of
it. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND are talking to the members of the
Conspiracy:)
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Oh, this is just lovely!!
CSM: Is it lovely? Is it really?
SPENDER (making up excuses): But . . . But it was Marita's fault!! *She* didn't want us to do
anything!!
MARITA (angrily): Oh, sure, just put all the blame on me!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she
gets out of the hospital.
KRYCEK: I volunteer Spender for the job.
SPENDER (offended): Hey!!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Actually, it's someone else. There's only one other female X-Files character who
isn't doing anything very important right now . . .
(The ambulance pulls out of the parking lot. A matter of seconds later, a small car pulls in the parking
lot. Out of it steps . . .)
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY (regretting her decision): Uh . . . yeah. But first, get that stupid grin off your face.
REYES (still smiling): I don't know what you're talking about.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Stop smiling!! I mean it!! You freak me out when you do that!!
REYES (still smiling): I'm not smiling.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Don't push me, Reyes. I'm not afraid to cut your pay.
(REYES abruptly stops smiling.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Much better.
(Cut to: Back Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is once again watching the X-Files movie:)
FOWLEY (disgusted): This movie makes me sick.
YVES: What do you mean?
FOWLEY (angrily): Because I'm not in it!!
DOGGETT (realizing something): Hey, wait a minute . . . Capt. Janeway? Isn't Fowley supposed to be
in the hospital? Something about a burn?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh . . . Right. You're absolutely right, Doggett.
DOGGETT (getting more confident): And wasn't Jimmy supposed to be getting all this popcorn, candy,
and soda from the concessions stand in Chapter 5?
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ummm . . . I can explain that! Really! Just give me a few moments, and I'll think
of something . . .
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in
the plot of this fic.
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!
DOGGETT: We really don't mean any disrespect, Capt. Janeway . . .
MULDER (cutting-in): Yes, we do!!
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): . . . But I think we're entitled to an explanation. After all, I'm the
Co-Author.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Fine . . . But I'll have to cut to another scene, first.
DOGGETT: That's all right.
MULDER: No, it's not!!
(DOGGETT glares at MULDER.)
JIMMY (crying now): Poor, poor Kurtzweil . . .
YVES (severely): Shut-up, Jimmy.
(Cut to: Inside the Wicked Witch's Fortress. We see our four Conspiracy people and REYES
dressed as the Wicked Witch of the Northeast picking-up where FOWLEY left off:)
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .
(Cut to: A poppy field. We see MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG,
CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL STAGEHAND skip into the field. CAPT. JANEWAY and her
LOYAL STAGEHAND walk off-camera while the scene unfolds.)
SCULLY (pointing excitedly ahead): Look!! The Capital City!! Oh, we're almost there!! And it's
even more beautiful than I imagined!!
(Cut to: A shot of Washington, D.C.)
(Cut back to: SCULLY & Co.)
MULDER: That depends on what your definition of beauty is.
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.
DOGGETT: Me neither.
MULDER: Aliens . . .
DOGGETT (menacingly): Don't start, Mulder.
SCULLY: Well, let's go!! We can still get to the Capital City today if we hurry!!
(They all start running toward the Capital City. MULDER & DOGGETT race, each trying to shove
the other out of the way. SCULLY, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG follow, but soon they all become
very tired and stop. MULDER & DOGGETT eventually take notice, and walk back to them.)
MULDER: What's wrong, Dorothy?
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .
so sleepy all of a sudden . . . Toto? Where's Toto?
(Cut to: QUEEQUEG, who is lying in the poppies, sound asleep.)
(Cut back to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER.)
DOGGETT (muttering): Somebody wake up that stupid mutt so we can get to the Capital City already.
SCULLY: Oh . . . Let's rest, first. I'm so tired . . .
(SCULLY lies down next to QUEEQUEG in the poppies.)
MULDER: But we can't stop now, Dorothy! We're almost there!
DOGGETT: Do *I* ever get to take a nice nap in a field of poppies? No . . .
SKINNER (yawning): Come to think of it . . . A little nap sounds nice . . .
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): Not you, too!!
MULDER: You have to help us carry Dorothy and Toto to the Capital City!
SKINNER: We'll have to continue this discussion later . . .
(SKINNER plops down in the field and falls asleep.)
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.
You're carrying the Lion.
MULDER: No, *you're* carrying the Lion!
DOGGETT: Am not.
MULDER: Are too.
DOGGETT: Am not!
MULDER: Are too!
DOGGETT: Am not!!
MULDER: Are too!!
DOGGETT (calling off-camera): CAPT. JANEWAY!!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND walk into the poppy field.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Yeah?
DOGGETT: Mulder's trying to make me carry Skinner.
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something
special that will get you all out of this mess.
MULDER: Like snow?
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving MULDER an odd look): Like whatever I want it to be. Only my Loyal
Stagehand knows what it is.
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): That's right, Capt. Janeway!
(MULDER & DOGGETT both glare at the LOYAL STAGEHAND. When CAPT. JANEWAY isn't
looking, her LOYAL STAGEHAND glares back.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, anyway, go call for help.
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND go back off-camera.)
MULDER (not very convincingly): Help.
DOGGETT: Please, help us.
MULDER: We are in such dire straits. Please help us.
DOGGETT: Anyone. Please. Help.
(Suddenly, REYES appears, floating down in her bubble like she usually does. When she lands, it
bursts, and, as in Chapter 2, it leaves an icky, goopy mess on everyone.)
MULDER (thoroughly disgusted): I can't wait until you get killed-off the show, Agent Reyes.
REYES (ignoring MULDER and smiling sweetly): I have heard your cries for help, and I have found
the solution to your problem.
DOGGETT (not very enthusiastically as he brushes some of the goopy mess off of himself:) Swell.
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!
(The little baby WILLIAM Scully crawls through the poppy field until he reaches REYES's side.
REYES picks him up and holds him out to MULDER & DOGGETT. Not understanding, MULDER
& DOGGETT stare blankly at WILLIAM for a moment, until Mr. Scully decides to let out an
ear-piercing shriek. MULDER & DOGGETT cover their ears:)
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?
REYES (still smiling): You'll see.
(REYES shoves WILLIAM into MULDER's arms before MULDER can protest.)
REYES (eager to get away for *some* reason): Have fun!
(REYES gives her wand a few hasty waves. A new bubble forms around REYES, and she floats
away.)
MULDER: Where did they dredge *her* up?
DOGGETT: You really don't want to know. (shifting his attention to WILLIAM): So, what do are we
supposed to do with him?
MULDER (giving WILLIAM an odd look, but holding him at arm's length): I have absolutely no idea.
(WILLIAM lets out another scream, which startles MULDER so much that he drops WILLIAM. This
causes WILLIAM to scream and wail even more. Reluctantly, MULDER manages to pick WILLIAM
back up.)
DOGGETT (annoyed): You want me to hold him?
MULDER (eager to get away from WILLIAM): Please!
(DOGGETT takes WILLIAM from MULDER, and seems to have a little more control of the situation,
though not by much. WILLIAM calms down for a minute, but then he screams again. DOGGETT,
however, doesn't drop him.)
(Cut to: SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, and SKINNER, who are asleep in the poppy field. They slowly
start to wake up.)
(Cut back to: MULDER and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!
DOGGETT: For once, Reyes had a good idea!
SKINNER (groggily getting to his feet): Uh . . . What did I miss?
SCULLY (getting up as well): Oh . . . I was so sleepy . . .
MULDER: But you're all right now, right?
SCULLY: Mmmm-hmmmm . . . (suddenly seeing WILLIAM:) Oh! William!!
(SCULLY quickly snatches WILLIAM away from DOGGETT and holds him so tight that we begin to
wonder whether it's possible for the poor kid to breathe. CAPT. JANEWAY enters and manages to
pry WILLIAM out of SCULLY's arms. CAPT. JANEWAY runs as fast as she can back off-camera
while SCULLY starts to cry.)
DOGGETT (annoyed): Here we go again . . .
MULDER: I think it's your turn to comfort her, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Actually, I think it's Skinner's turn.
SKINNER (defensively): I'm staying out of this!!
(QUEEQUEG whimpers and hides somewhere in the poppies.)
DOGGETT: So much for Queequeg bailing us out.
MULDER: All right, we'll share.
DOGGETT: Real men don't share.
SKINNER: We aren't real people. We're fictional characters.
MULDER (shrugging): Good enough.
MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (very bored): There, there, Dorothy. Everything's going to be
all right.
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!
(Everyone links arms and dances toward Washington, D.C., with QUEEQUEG at their heels.)
**********************************************************************
ATTENTION ALL WHO ARE READING CAPT. JANEWAY'S FIC ENTITLED "THE OZ
FILES":
1. Firstly, this fic is indeed filled with several plot holes and inconsistencies which Capt. Janeway alone
created and is unable to explain.
2. Secondly, the following changes are taking effect as a result of these plot holes and inconsistencies:
A. Special Agent Diana Fowley ("Wicked Witch of the Northeast" and "Miss Gulch") never was
burned by boiling hot red paste or any other substance of any temperature in any way, and therefore
never went to the hospital. She is granted the ability to portray her character for the rest of this fic.
B. Due to the revisions made in Point A and that annoying smile of hers, Special Agent Monica Reyes
("Glinda, Good Witch of the Southeast") shall remain in her role alone, and therefore never has, is not,
and never will portray the "Wicked Witch of the Northeast."
C. Dimwit and Numbskull James "Jimmy" Bond never offered to get popcorn, candy, and/or soda
from the concessions stand, as he never went to the concessions stand at all whatsoever. Instead, there
was a brief intermission during the X-Files movie which allowed all X-Files characters participating in
the Storm Cellar scenes to purchase popcorn, candy, and/or soda at the concessions stand.
3. Thirdly, both Author Capt. Janeway and Co-Author Special Agent John Doggett agree to these
revisions.
DATED THIS FOURTEENTH DAY OF SEPTEMBER IN THE YEAR TWO-THOUSAND AND
FIVE PLUS SIX MINUS THREE DIVIDED BY FOUR MINUS ONE:
Capt. Janeway, Author
John Doggett, Co-Author
**********************************************************************
Will the Tin Man, Dorothy, Toto, the Cowardly Lion, and the Stupid Scarecrow *ever* get to the
Capital City, or is Capt. Janeway just going to drag the journey out even more? When in the
beeeeeep! will this stupid fanfic end already?!
All right, Doggett, it's *my* turn at the computer. You had your fun with the revisions notice; now I get
to write the end notes.
(DOGGETT: But I was just getting started!)
Right, which is why I stopped you. If you had gone any further, I have a feeling that this wouldn't be a
"G" fic anymore.
Well, anyway, readers, log-on next time for Chapter 7 . . . My goodness! Seven chapters all ready!! I
don't even want to think about how many pages I've written . . .
(DOGGETT: We're *finally* going to get to the Capital City, right?)
I'm not telling. It's a surprise.
(DOGGETTmuttering: I don't like surprises . . .)
See 'ya next chapter!!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review!)
**********************************************************************
