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Life without love: Chapter 2
A Gundam Wing fan fiction
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DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the nameā¦) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
I don't remember what I did when I first saw him. Maybe I paled, maybe my mouth dropped open. Maybe I forced myself to stand still. Maybe I looked down on my feet. Maybe I started to cry. I have no idea. The next thing I am aware of is he is looking down at me with puzzled dark eyes. Angel and his parents are talking, as well as Releena, but I don't hear a word they said. They must be talking about how the peace negotiations are going on, but I don't know. I am too preoccupied with the words running in my head.
My first coherent thought is, is he real?
The next is, how did he survive?
But he is real. If I just reach out with my hands I will touch him, his body, his solid, real form, and I'm even sure I don't have to try that. His hand is real, it can't be a phantasm that comes from my head, I can't fake this feeling of solidity and human flesh. His breath is warm against my cheek.
"Zechs, lost your tongue?" he asks, smiling.
"I--I'm called Milliard now." At least my tongue is still working. In a fashion. My mouth still feels dry, and my tongue feels swollen and too raspy for it. I swallow hard. I am sure everyone in the airport heard it.
"Milliard?" He looks at me blankly. "Well, yes, I figured you were called by your real name now, when Releena here kept talking about her brother Milliard and how she wanted to see everyone again. I just wanted to tease you. What? Lost your sense of humor?" And then he smiles his old charismatic smile.
I smile back. "No, I haven't. Just that having two people call me Zechs Merquise within an hour has caught up with me. I feel like I'm back in the Federation."
"You don't look like the Zechs I knew, Milliard. For one thing, you arrange your hair differently." He fingers the end of the braid. "You look good in a braid. A trifle feminine, but good." He grins, and he looks like a boy with a prank. I feel a tugging sensation on the end of my braid. I glare at him as I catch his hand to stop it.
"Don't touch my hair!"
He smiles indulgently, like a father allowing a child his anger about a favorite toy being mishandled. "Don't worry, it's not as if I ruined your hair..."
"Eh, brother! You've been monopolizing Mr. Peacecraft here!" Angel breaks into the conversation. She hugs him tightly. "I missed you so. Releena is inviting us to go with them for luncheon. I swear I'm starving."
"Milliard, it's so nice to see you again! Did you miss me?" Releena hugs me too, and I smile over her head to Hitoshi. He looks uncomfortable, out of place among families greeting each other for the holidays. He moves forward, and is introduced to the Khushrenadas.
"Of course I missed you. You're my sweetest sister in the whole world and galaxy," I exaggerate.
She punches me playfully. "I am your only sister, dummy!" Our relationship has become more robust over time, as if we really grew up together fighting in one house, when it isn't true. I guess it's a way to catch on lost time, on childhood memories we never had, like cotton candy in a circus, trips to the zoo, walking home together from school...we've shared quite a few secrets over the past years, but still I haven't told her of my great secret--shall we call it crush? I don't know what it is actually, but it's there, the feeling. I feel like I've melted under the sun, seeing him alive again.
Hitoshi comes to view again, and I talk to him while Releena talks to Angel anew about fashion or some other feminine thing.
"Nice to see you again, Hitoshi. How are your studies in the Space Colonies?"
"Interesting to say the least, Mr. Peacecraft. I have good teachers to teach me. Though I sure am glad for this break." He smiles, his unusual yellow eyes shining. He nods at Treize, and Angel draws him into the Khushrenada family circle. I see Releena and Hitoshi look at each other for a moment, turning faintly pink, and Releena attaches herself to me anew.
"Any developments in that regard, Releena?" I ask, nodding at Hitoshi. Releena reddens some more, and laughed, nodding her head. She looks like a young girl instead of the serious teenager she has become. She often wears her hair in a ponytail or braid, with her bangs parted similar to how she wore it when she was in Oz dress code. She is prettier that way. I smile and shake my head. "You're growing up too fast for your brother, young woman."
"But it's just that you don't want to get settled or anything, that's why..." She twirls a lock on her finger. I have learned to associate that gesture with mischief concerning me. "If you want, I can set you up with someone..."
"Oh, no, you don't!"
"Whatever you say. But Milliard, would they have lunch ready when we get there? I sort of invited Treize and his family--"
"We'll dine at a restaurant then. I have reservations...I'd better call the restaurant though."
"Thanks, Milliard!" Releena leaves me to join Hitoshi in getting her bags at the conveyor belt. Treize materializes beside me, holding a suitcase himself.
"I forgot to ask you this, but are you surprised I'm here?"
"Yes, I am. I thought--I--well after the news...I--never mind..." I look down on my feet in confusion, see him step closer. I'm getting dizzy with desire to kiss him.
Kiss him? In front of Releena and everyone here? I shake my head, clearing it. And I realize I had taken a step back, moving farther from him. He looks remote all of the sudden. He's asking which restaurant we are going to dine. I must have made a reply, because he goes to his parents telling them where they are going to dine. I wonder if he knows the way, and if ever I should tell them the directions.
"I think we can get there. I seem to remember where it is. Shall we go before you?" Treize's beside me again, and I'm getting goose bumps at the way we gravitated towards each other. Or is it just because of the dinner arrangements that he kept moving towards me? I don't care. I'm still feeling weird as it is.
"I don't mind. I'd better call the restaurant to tell them you'll be coming..." I reach for my cell phone and talks for a while with the maitre'd, aware that Treize is looking at me the whole time as if I was something similar to an oasis in the desert. And I shake my head for pretending it mattered at all.
But it does.
"There must be a small mix up, and I'm sure it can be cleared immediately, monsieur," I tell the maitre'd. But he shakes his head, smiling, and nods significantly at Treize, lounging beside his sister. Treize is talking to his father about his activities in the Space Colonies, but I get the feeling he was listening to our whispered conversation.
"Monsieur Khushrenada has paid for the meal, Monsieur Peacecraft. Everything has been settled before you came." He lowers his voice even more. "I understand it is a present, a belated one, for your sister's birthday..."
I glower at him and think I'd deal him bodily harm if he didn't explain himself soon. He turned slowly to face me, his face a mask of puzzlement. "Do you smoke, Mr. Khushrenada?" I ask his father. I was aware Treize did, but would I ask him to the smoking room directly? No way, that is obvious that I want to talk to him. "I am feeling a need for an after luncheon smoke."
"Oh, no, can't abide the habit. Treize does. And you, Hitoshi?"
"I do not smoke, Mr. Khushrenada. But if you would like to go to the smoking room, Mr. Peacecraft, we will not detain you anymore."
I stand up, and Treize stands up as well. "I think I'll go for a smoke as well..." He smiles blandly at me, and I want to maim him, slowly, painfully, until he'd be groaning in pain. We walk to the smoking room.
"What is this all about, Treize?" I ask him when we are far away from our table. He holds the door open for me. "Why did you pay? I'm the one who's supposed to treat all of you--"
"What, and miss that look of incredulity on your face? No way." Sitting down on a leather armchair across mine, he takes out a cigarette pack from inside his jacket, and offers one to me. I take it, lighting it with my lighter. He holds out his cigarette to be lit. We smoke for a while before he replies. He looks at me in amusement. "Don't worry, I didn't overspend or anything in buying you lunch, Milliard. And so what if you invited us? It wasn't part of your plans to have four other people into your intimate luncheon with your sister and her friend."
"But still, Treize--" I am exasperated with him, and his nonchalant pose, leaning back with his legs crossed, blowing smoke, makes me even more angry. "I am the person who invited you, or rather, my sister did, representing me, and so I have to pay for the lunch. Get it?"
He blows out another smoke ring. "Milliard, stop troubling yourself. It's already paid for. You can't stop me even if you wanted to, because I did it before you got here."
"Let me pay you, then..."
"Milliard," his voice now holds a warning note. "Don't be stupid. I don't want you to think you're obliged to pay for anything, okay? I did so by my own volition, my own free will, etc., etc. so just let this be."
"I won't. Treize Khushrenada, you should let me pay for the lunch! As I said, it's my debt, since my sister, not yours, not anyone else's, invited your family...it's a matter of principle."
"What principles? Admit it, it's a matter of pride. It's not honor, it's your pride that's hurt. These principles you're talking about, what are they? Honor, obligation? I think I threw the whole bunch of crap about having to do what is right because you have to out of the window when I resigned from Oz, and I'd prefer if you did too. What's the use of doing it if it's against you will? It defeats the whole plan. If you're going to stick to your damnable pride, fine, but I won't let you use this chance for your ego." He takes a drag on his cigarette, and blows. "Haven't you relaxed since then, Milliard?"
"No, I haven't. I'm still something in Sanque, now that Releena is peace minister. And no, it's not my pride, if that's what you're saying. I want to do what is right, which is completely different from doing it because it's right."
"Just enjoy your smoke okay?" A few moments' silence. "Milliard, doesn't this feel like old times?" He smiles, and I remember. He used to take me to town for a dinner and smoke and after that, we'd argue who pay the bill. We usually split it, though. And then we'd argue all the way back to Oz.
"Yes, but we split the bill then."
"Then you pay for dinner the next time we're in town. Fair enough? I'll even be the one to invite you and Releena..."
"I guess so. But really, Treize--"
"You haven't changed much, have you, Milliard?" He suddenly says, and I stop in midsentence. In some ways I have changed, especially concerning him. I want to kiss him, hug him, and tell him I loved him. But I mustn't. I won't. I can't.
"Lady Une's staying with us," I reply, changing the subject. He stares at me as if I suddenly grew two heads. He must have forgotten all about her, then. Or is it finding out she is so near to him?
"She is, isn't she?" He shrugs. It's so casual I almost fall for it. But I know him too well. He's thinking hard, and that it involved her is obvious. "Maybe I'll stop by one of these days where you're staying..."
"Treize--" I look away. It hurt when he obviously wants to see Une. Not me, Une. I stub my cigarette in a nearby ashtray and stand up. "We'd better get going..."
He seems to be still preoccupied. He stubs his as well. "Yeah, I guess so. Let's go."
There it is again, his habit of agreeing without seeming to want to. I can sometimes strangle him for it. I hate to force him to go out of the smoking room when he obviously wanted to smoke some more. Or is it because he was reluctant to leave because we both have to be with our families again? I'm not sure, and I don't want to find out.
Why?
If it turns out he just wanted to smoke, I'd be hurt. I prefer thinking he just wanted to be with me. Even for just a while. And in these moments I'd store up memories about him. The scent of his aftershave mingling
with that of his cigarette. The solid planes of his sculpted face. The way his hair brushed the top of his collar. I sounded like a lovesick girl, but I can't help it. He's Treize. He has that effect on people. At least the people I know.
And who could help it? I'm sort of in love with him after all.
"I didn't expect--this! Oh, Milliard!" Releena is hanging around my neck, and I am surprised by it as well. Obviously, the people left in the cabin have decided to make the snowman for Releena, and I'm not in the surprise. Wait till they hear my surprise for them, I think, thinking of Treize, very much alive. I smile and see Heero and Duo standing by their creation, both of them covered in snow. "Releena! Duck!" Duo cries out, just as the first snowball from nowhere whizzes past her and hit me. Heero has surprisingly bad aim when it comes to snowballs.
"Surprise attack!" Releena squeals, and starts to gather snow for her retaliation. Hitoshi immediately follows, and I join them, getting ourselves a barricade with the pick up. When we declared ourselves losers (having ended up blockaded from any more snow supply. I tell you, three against all the occupants of the cabin is not a fair battle) we are escorted into the cabin to hot snacks prepared by Quatre and Noin. We are all exhausted, but Releena enjoyed the welcome, though her coat was wet through. Hitoshi swipes his hair back, but soon when they dry up they'd fall back in the deep brown waves reaching his collar that was his trademark. He's also wet. He looks surprised but glad about the friendly atmosphere he got into. I remember then that like most of the others he was already an orphan since a young boy, and as an only child had no siblings for companionship, even when he was left a nice estate in Japan. Probably this was the first time he got into a group such as we are.
"Hey, Releena, Heero got you this one!" Duo shouts, handing her a CD. "It's an RPG collection we've been saving up for the homecoming of Milliard's princess. Neat. I have one too."
"Thanks, Heero!" She smiles. She is aware that Heero and Duo were--friends, and had given up all claims on the Japanese pilot. "I'm glad you welcomed me and Hitoshi so--effusively." We laugh at her description. "Hitoshi, these are my friends from way, way back. The one glowering there beside the braided one is Heero Yuy."
Heero tries to smile so as to dispel Releena's accurate description of him as Hitoshi shakes his hand. "Pleased to meet you. Do you like RPGs? We have a whole collection of games, and some of them are legends."
"Yes. I actually am into a lot of things when it comes to my computer. I'm taking a software design course." Heero and Hitoshi are sizing each other up, as if Hitoshi knew who Heero was before, which he did, and Heero wanted to know if this guy deserved Releena. I guess they came to a truce because of their love of software and their computers.
"Now the one beside him is Duo Maxwell. He's a--er--very cheerful person, being an American."
"Hi, buddy! You dating our girl here?" He nudges Hitoshi, who grows slightly pink. Hitoshi couldn't answer, and Releena had bloody murder in her eyes for the American. Luckily, Quatre steps in the breach.
"Duo! I thought I said no mischief. I'm Quatre Raberba Winner, at your service." Quatre steps forward to shake Hitoshi's hand. "And this is Trowa Barton. He was a circus performer once, but now we're studying in the same university, performing illusions once in a while."
"I think I saw you once before, Mr. Barton. You deal with daggers, am I correct?"
"Yes. Call me Trowa. And here is Cathrine, a fellow circus performer."
"Nice to meet you. We hope you enjoy your stay here. Oh, and here are Sally, Lucrezia and Une. Sally, Une, meet Hitoshi, Releena's friend." The three women are coming from the kitchen, bearing more food and eggnog.
"Good afternoon. Did you have a nice trip?" Une smiles at him, setting the tray on the table before sitting down beside Wu fei. She was in her Lady Une appearance, her long brown hair hanging free. Sally nods and stands by Une.
"Hope you have a nice stay here. I am Sally Po. Lucrezia--"
Noin moves forward. "Sorry I didn't get to introduce myself earlier. I was busy in the kitchen. I am Lucrezia Noin. And here's Chang Wu fei. He's a scholar and likes to ski." The others snicker at the reference. Wu fei takes it stride but gives them a glare before they could burst out laughing.
Wu fei stands up and bows. "Hajimemashite. Chang Wu fei desu. Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Daijoubu desu, ka?"
"Daijoubu desu. Hajimemashite. Kato Hitoshi desu." He bows. "Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
"Why didn't you tell us you spoke Japanese, Wu fei?" Sally asks.
"Why should I?" he retorts, face deadpan. Sally shrugs in defeat.
"I'm all so pleased to meet you. Please, just call me Hitoshi." He smiles. "I am sure glad to see you all accepted me so easily. I was rather afraid you would all take a dislike of me."
"And why so, Hitoshi? A friend of Releena's is a friend of ours." Duo nods. "You'd better--er--get used to us, though. We can get a bit weird-- sometimes. Wu fei sleepwalks at night, for example, so don't wonder if you hear anyone walking late at night."
"I--DO--NOT!!!" comes the adamant retort. Wu fei jumps up, ready to fight anyone who dared contradict him. Duo grins, with a "see-what-I-mean?" look to Hitoshi. I shake my head.
"Duo, I think you shouldn't give Hitoshi ideas about our sanity. We are all sane here, by the way, even if some of us--" I give a significant look to Wu fei, who grows calmer. "--may appear to be more blood thirsty than the common run."
"Oh, I think I'll be fine here." He smiles at Releena, and Duo ogles at them as Quatre tries unsuccessfully not to do the same. There's something between Releena and this boy that I couldn't explain. It's a field of awareness creeping to their surroundings. I wonder if this is what love is truly was between two people of different genders. I've seen a lot of what the Japanese term shounen ai with those Gundam pilots doing their stuff, but I haven't seen this radiance before occurring between two people I know so well. Releena acts more mature, more responsible, but her eyes are filled with happiness as she gazed at Hitoshi. And there was the same something in his gaze.
I know my sister didn't need me anymore.
What does that leave me then? A life alone? A life with someone I like but don't love? Or a life trying to say what my feelings are to a certain person? Releena is talking about their trip to the others.
"Oh, and then there was Treize in the plane with us, because he's working in the Space Colonies, and we talked during the whole trip about stuff--"
Stunned silence greets Releena's statement. They are all staring at her as if she has grown another head in front of us. I clear my throat, aware I should have told them first. But there is no helping now. "Treize was there in the airport and was met by his family. We had lunch with them in town, that's why we're so late coming back."
"Treize?" Une speaks up first. Her tone is twist of a scalpel in my heart. I know it. She wants to see Treize again. And Treize had told me he was going here to see her. Personally, I had rather wanted to have him for myself, to keep the knowledge of his living to me but now that they knew...
"I see." Quatre appears unperturbed by the tensions that rose around us. He is as always a diplomat. "Well, if Mr. Khushrenada and his family would like, I think we have a nearby cabin which is vacant."
"I'm sure they have plans." Hitoshi steps into the breach this time, aware of the strange differences in the air after the announcement of Treize's existence. "Anyway, it appears to me we'd better go up and get something dry, or else we'll all be sick with a cold. Don't you think so, Releena?"
"I agree with Hitoshi. Come on, everyone, let's go up and change. By the way, where will we be sleeping? I mean, you did make space for us, right? I don't want to sleep in the sofa." Releena smiles, disarming everyone.
"Oh, you'll be bunking with me, Releena!" Lucrezia comes forward. "Hitoshi will be staying with Wu fei. If that is okay with you both, that is?" She glances at them inquiringly. Releena nods, a sign it was okay with her. Hitoshi shrugs, glancing at Wu fei as if he wasn't sure if it was safe to be in the same room as the scholar.
I glance at Une. She seems lost in her thoughts, her face framed by long brown hair, and again I feel a pang of something I couldn't explain. It must be jealousy eating its way into my system, I guessed. I can never hope for anything more than Treize's friendship. All because I was a man.
I hate myself. For being jealous, for even thinking I could be anything more to Treize. He left someone waiting for him, and she deserved to hear from him after thinking he was dead for the past three years. And still I think of my loneliness too, and wonder who deserved this pain of waiting more, Une or me.
Life without love: Chapter 2
A Gundam Wing fan fiction
============================
DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the nameā¦) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
I don't remember what I did when I first saw him. Maybe I paled, maybe my mouth dropped open. Maybe I forced myself to stand still. Maybe I looked down on my feet. Maybe I started to cry. I have no idea. The next thing I am aware of is he is looking down at me with puzzled dark eyes. Angel and his parents are talking, as well as Releena, but I don't hear a word they said. They must be talking about how the peace negotiations are going on, but I don't know. I am too preoccupied with the words running in my head.
My first coherent thought is, is he real?
The next is, how did he survive?
But he is real. If I just reach out with my hands I will touch him, his body, his solid, real form, and I'm even sure I don't have to try that. His hand is real, it can't be a phantasm that comes from my head, I can't fake this feeling of solidity and human flesh. His breath is warm against my cheek.
"Zechs, lost your tongue?" he asks, smiling.
"I--I'm called Milliard now." At least my tongue is still working. In a fashion. My mouth still feels dry, and my tongue feels swollen and too raspy for it. I swallow hard. I am sure everyone in the airport heard it.
"Milliard?" He looks at me blankly. "Well, yes, I figured you were called by your real name now, when Releena here kept talking about her brother Milliard and how she wanted to see everyone again. I just wanted to tease you. What? Lost your sense of humor?" And then he smiles his old charismatic smile.
I smile back. "No, I haven't. Just that having two people call me Zechs Merquise within an hour has caught up with me. I feel like I'm back in the Federation."
"You don't look like the Zechs I knew, Milliard. For one thing, you arrange your hair differently." He fingers the end of the braid. "You look good in a braid. A trifle feminine, but good." He grins, and he looks like a boy with a prank. I feel a tugging sensation on the end of my braid. I glare at him as I catch his hand to stop it.
"Don't touch my hair!"
He smiles indulgently, like a father allowing a child his anger about a favorite toy being mishandled. "Don't worry, it's not as if I ruined your hair..."
"Eh, brother! You've been monopolizing Mr. Peacecraft here!" Angel breaks into the conversation. She hugs him tightly. "I missed you so. Releena is inviting us to go with them for luncheon. I swear I'm starving."
"Milliard, it's so nice to see you again! Did you miss me?" Releena hugs me too, and I smile over her head to Hitoshi. He looks uncomfortable, out of place among families greeting each other for the holidays. He moves forward, and is introduced to the Khushrenadas.
"Of course I missed you. You're my sweetest sister in the whole world and galaxy," I exaggerate.
She punches me playfully. "I am your only sister, dummy!" Our relationship has become more robust over time, as if we really grew up together fighting in one house, when it isn't true. I guess it's a way to catch on lost time, on childhood memories we never had, like cotton candy in a circus, trips to the zoo, walking home together from school...we've shared quite a few secrets over the past years, but still I haven't told her of my great secret--shall we call it crush? I don't know what it is actually, but it's there, the feeling. I feel like I've melted under the sun, seeing him alive again.
Hitoshi comes to view again, and I talk to him while Releena talks to Angel anew about fashion or some other feminine thing.
"Nice to see you again, Hitoshi. How are your studies in the Space Colonies?"
"Interesting to say the least, Mr. Peacecraft. I have good teachers to teach me. Though I sure am glad for this break." He smiles, his unusual yellow eyes shining. He nods at Treize, and Angel draws him into the Khushrenada family circle. I see Releena and Hitoshi look at each other for a moment, turning faintly pink, and Releena attaches herself to me anew.
"Any developments in that regard, Releena?" I ask, nodding at Hitoshi. Releena reddens some more, and laughed, nodding her head. She looks like a young girl instead of the serious teenager she has become. She often wears her hair in a ponytail or braid, with her bangs parted similar to how she wore it when she was in Oz dress code. She is prettier that way. I smile and shake my head. "You're growing up too fast for your brother, young woman."
"But it's just that you don't want to get settled or anything, that's why..." She twirls a lock on her finger. I have learned to associate that gesture with mischief concerning me. "If you want, I can set you up with someone..."
"Oh, no, you don't!"
"Whatever you say. But Milliard, would they have lunch ready when we get there? I sort of invited Treize and his family--"
"We'll dine at a restaurant then. I have reservations...I'd better call the restaurant though."
"Thanks, Milliard!" Releena leaves me to join Hitoshi in getting her bags at the conveyor belt. Treize materializes beside me, holding a suitcase himself.
"I forgot to ask you this, but are you surprised I'm here?"
"Yes, I am. I thought--I--well after the news...I--never mind..." I look down on my feet in confusion, see him step closer. I'm getting dizzy with desire to kiss him.
Kiss him? In front of Releena and everyone here? I shake my head, clearing it. And I realize I had taken a step back, moving farther from him. He looks remote all of the sudden. He's asking which restaurant we are going to dine. I must have made a reply, because he goes to his parents telling them where they are going to dine. I wonder if he knows the way, and if ever I should tell them the directions.
"I think we can get there. I seem to remember where it is. Shall we go before you?" Treize's beside me again, and I'm getting goose bumps at the way we gravitated towards each other. Or is it just because of the dinner arrangements that he kept moving towards me? I don't care. I'm still feeling weird as it is.
"I don't mind. I'd better call the restaurant to tell them you'll be coming..." I reach for my cell phone and talks for a while with the maitre'd, aware that Treize is looking at me the whole time as if I was something similar to an oasis in the desert. And I shake my head for pretending it mattered at all.
But it does.
"There must be a small mix up, and I'm sure it can be cleared immediately, monsieur," I tell the maitre'd. But he shakes his head, smiling, and nods significantly at Treize, lounging beside his sister. Treize is talking to his father about his activities in the Space Colonies, but I get the feeling he was listening to our whispered conversation.
"Monsieur Khushrenada has paid for the meal, Monsieur Peacecraft. Everything has been settled before you came." He lowers his voice even more. "I understand it is a present, a belated one, for your sister's birthday..."
I glower at him and think I'd deal him bodily harm if he didn't explain himself soon. He turned slowly to face me, his face a mask of puzzlement. "Do you smoke, Mr. Khushrenada?" I ask his father. I was aware Treize did, but would I ask him to the smoking room directly? No way, that is obvious that I want to talk to him. "I am feeling a need for an after luncheon smoke."
"Oh, no, can't abide the habit. Treize does. And you, Hitoshi?"
"I do not smoke, Mr. Khushrenada. But if you would like to go to the smoking room, Mr. Peacecraft, we will not detain you anymore."
I stand up, and Treize stands up as well. "I think I'll go for a smoke as well..." He smiles blandly at me, and I want to maim him, slowly, painfully, until he'd be groaning in pain. We walk to the smoking room.
"What is this all about, Treize?" I ask him when we are far away from our table. He holds the door open for me. "Why did you pay? I'm the one who's supposed to treat all of you--"
"What, and miss that look of incredulity on your face? No way." Sitting down on a leather armchair across mine, he takes out a cigarette pack from inside his jacket, and offers one to me. I take it, lighting it with my lighter. He holds out his cigarette to be lit. We smoke for a while before he replies. He looks at me in amusement. "Don't worry, I didn't overspend or anything in buying you lunch, Milliard. And so what if you invited us? It wasn't part of your plans to have four other people into your intimate luncheon with your sister and her friend."
"But still, Treize--" I am exasperated with him, and his nonchalant pose, leaning back with his legs crossed, blowing smoke, makes me even more angry. "I am the person who invited you, or rather, my sister did, representing me, and so I have to pay for the lunch. Get it?"
He blows out another smoke ring. "Milliard, stop troubling yourself. It's already paid for. You can't stop me even if you wanted to, because I did it before you got here."
"Let me pay you, then..."
"Milliard," his voice now holds a warning note. "Don't be stupid. I don't want you to think you're obliged to pay for anything, okay? I did so by my own volition, my own free will, etc., etc. so just let this be."
"I won't. Treize Khushrenada, you should let me pay for the lunch! As I said, it's my debt, since my sister, not yours, not anyone else's, invited your family...it's a matter of principle."
"What principles? Admit it, it's a matter of pride. It's not honor, it's your pride that's hurt. These principles you're talking about, what are they? Honor, obligation? I think I threw the whole bunch of crap about having to do what is right because you have to out of the window when I resigned from Oz, and I'd prefer if you did too. What's the use of doing it if it's against you will? It defeats the whole plan. If you're going to stick to your damnable pride, fine, but I won't let you use this chance for your ego." He takes a drag on his cigarette, and blows. "Haven't you relaxed since then, Milliard?"
"No, I haven't. I'm still something in Sanque, now that Releena is peace minister. And no, it's not my pride, if that's what you're saying. I want to do what is right, which is completely different from doing it because it's right."
"Just enjoy your smoke okay?" A few moments' silence. "Milliard, doesn't this feel like old times?" He smiles, and I remember. He used to take me to town for a dinner and smoke and after that, we'd argue who pay the bill. We usually split it, though. And then we'd argue all the way back to Oz.
"Yes, but we split the bill then."
"Then you pay for dinner the next time we're in town. Fair enough? I'll even be the one to invite you and Releena..."
"I guess so. But really, Treize--"
"You haven't changed much, have you, Milliard?" He suddenly says, and I stop in midsentence. In some ways I have changed, especially concerning him. I want to kiss him, hug him, and tell him I loved him. But I mustn't. I won't. I can't.
"Lady Une's staying with us," I reply, changing the subject. He stares at me as if I suddenly grew two heads. He must have forgotten all about her, then. Or is it finding out she is so near to him?
"She is, isn't she?" He shrugs. It's so casual I almost fall for it. But I know him too well. He's thinking hard, and that it involved her is obvious. "Maybe I'll stop by one of these days where you're staying..."
"Treize--" I look away. It hurt when he obviously wants to see Une. Not me, Une. I stub my cigarette in a nearby ashtray and stand up. "We'd better get going..."
He seems to be still preoccupied. He stubs his as well. "Yeah, I guess so. Let's go."
There it is again, his habit of agreeing without seeming to want to. I can sometimes strangle him for it. I hate to force him to go out of the smoking room when he obviously wanted to smoke some more. Or is it because he was reluctant to leave because we both have to be with our families again? I'm not sure, and I don't want to find out.
Why?
If it turns out he just wanted to smoke, I'd be hurt. I prefer thinking he just wanted to be with me. Even for just a while. And in these moments I'd store up memories about him. The scent of his aftershave mingling
with that of his cigarette. The solid planes of his sculpted face. The way his hair brushed the top of his collar. I sounded like a lovesick girl, but I can't help it. He's Treize. He has that effect on people. At least the people I know.
And who could help it? I'm sort of in love with him after all.
"I didn't expect--this! Oh, Milliard!" Releena is hanging around my neck, and I am surprised by it as well. Obviously, the people left in the cabin have decided to make the snowman for Releena, and I'm not in the surprise. Wait till they hear my surprise for them, I think, thinking of Treize, very much alive. I smile and see Heero and Duo standing by their creation, both of them covered in snow. "Releena! Duck!" Duo cries out, just as the first snowball from nowhere whizzes past her and hit me. Heero has surprisingly bad aim when it comes to snowballs.
"Surprise attack!" Releena squeals, and starts to gather snow for her retaliation. Hitoshi immediately follows, and I join them, getting ourselves a barricade with the pick up. When we declared ourselves losers (having ended up blockaded from any more snow supply. I tell you, three against all the occupants of the cabin is not a fair battle) we are escorted into the cabin to hot snacks prepared by Quatre and Noin. We are all exhausted, but Releena enjoyed the welcome, though her coat was wet through. Hitoshi swipes his hair back, but soon when they dry up they'd fall back in the deep brown waves reaching his collar that was his trademark. He's also wet. He looks surprised but glad about the friendly atmosphere he got into. I remember then that like most of the others he was already an orphan since a young boy, and as an only child had no siblings for companionship, even when he was left a nice estate in Japan. Probably this was the first time he got into a group such as we are.
"Hey, Releena, Heero got you this one!" Duo shouts, handing her a CD. "It's an RPG collection we've been saving up for the homecoming of Milliard's princess. Neat. I have one too."
"Thanks, Heero!" She smiles. She is aware that Heero and Duo were--friends, and had given up all claims on the Japanese pilot. "I'm glad you welcomed me and Hitoshi so--effusively." We laugh at her description. "Hitoshi, these are my friends from way, way back. The one glowering there beside the braided one is Heero Yuy."
Heero tries to smile so as to dispel Releena's accurate description of him as Hitoshi shakes his hand. "Pleased to meet you. Do you like RPGs? We have a whole collection of games, and some of them are legends."
"Yes. I actually am into a lot of things when it comes to my computer. I'm taking a software design course." Heero and Hitoshi are sizing each other up, as if Hitoshi knew who Heero was before, which he did, and Heero wanted to know if this guy deserved Releena. I guess they came to a truce because of their love of software and their computers.
"Now the one beside him is Duo Maxwell. He's a--er--very cheerful person, being an American."
"Hi, buddy! You dating our girl here?" He nudges Hitoshi, who grows slightly pink. Hitoshi couldn't answer, and Releena had bloody murder in her eyes for the American. Luckily, Quatre steps in the breach.
"Duo! I thought I said no mischief. I'm Quatre Raberba Winner, at your service." Quatre steps forward to shake Hitoshi's hand. "And this is Trowa Barton. He was a circus performer once, but now we're studying in the same university, performing illusions once in a while."
"I think I saw you once before, Mr. Barton. You deal with daggers, am I correct?"
"Yes. Call me Trowa. And here is Cathrine, a fellow circus performer."
"Nice to meet you. We hope you enjoy your stay here. Oh, and here are Sally, Lucrezia and Une. Sally, Une, meet Hitoshi, Releena's friend." The three women are coming from the kitchen, bearing more food and eggnog.
"Good afternoon. Did you have a nice trip?" Une smiles at him, setting the tray on the table before sitting down beside Wu fei. She was in her Lady Une appearance, her long brown hair hanging free. Sally nods and stands by Une.
"Hope you have a nice stay here. I am Sally Po. Lucrezia--"
Noin moves forward. "Sorry I didn't get to introduce myself earlier. I was busy in the kitchen. I am Lucrezia Noin. And here's Chang Wu fei. He's a scholar and likes to ski." The others snicker at the reference. Wu fei takes it stride but gives them a glare before they could burst out laughing.
Wu fei stands up and bows. "Hajimemashite. Chang Wu fei desu. Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Daijoubu desu, ka?"
"Daijoubu desu. Hajimemashite. Kato Hitoshi desu." He bows. "Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
"Why didn't you tell us you spoke Japanese, Wu fei?" Sally asks.
"Why should I?" he retorts, face deadpan. Sally shrugs in defeat.
"I'm all so pleased to meet you. Please, just call me Hitoshi." He smiles. "I am sure glad to see you all accepted me so easily. I was rather afraid you would all take a dislike of me."
"And why so, Hitoshi? A friend of Releena's is a friend of ours." Duo nods. "You'd better--er--get used to us, though. We can get a bit weird-- sometimes. Wu fei sleepwalks at night, for example, so don't wonder if you hear anyone walking late at night."
"I--DO--NOT!!!" comes the adamant retort. Wu fei jumps up, ready to fight anyone who dared contradict him. Duo grins, with a "see-what-I-mean?" look to Hitoshi. I shake my head.
"Duo, I think you shouldn't give Hitoshi ideas about our sanity. We are all sane here, by the way, even if some of us--" I give a significant look to Wu fei, who grows calmer. "--may appear to be more blood thirsty than the common run."
"Oh, I think I'll be fine here." He smiles at Releena, and Duo ogles at them as Quatre tries unsuccessfully not to do the same. There's something between Releena and this boy that I couldn't explain. It's a field of awareness creeping to their surroundings. I wonder if this is what love is truly was between two people of different genders. I've seen a lot of what the Japanese term shounen ai with those Gundam pilots doing their stuff, but I haven't seen this radiance before occurring between two people I know so well. Releena acts more mature, more responsible, but her eyes are filled with happiness as she gazed at Hitoshi. And there was the same something in his gaze.
I know my sister didn't need me anymore.
What does that leave me then? A life alone? A life with someone I like but don't love? Or a life trying to say what my feelings are to a certain person? Releena is talking about their trip to the others.
"Oh, and then there was Treize in the plane with us, because he's working in the Space Colonies, and we talked during the whole trip about stuff--"
Stunned silence greets Releena's statement. They are all staring at her as if she has grown another head in front of us. I clear my throat, aware I should have told them first. But there is no helping now. "Treize was there in the airport and was met by his family. We had lunch with them in town, that's why we're so late coming back."
"Treize?" Une speaks up first. Her tone is twist of a scalpel in my heart. I know it. She wants to see Treize again. And Treize had told me he was going here to see her. Personally, I had rather wanted to have him for myself, to keep the knowledge of his living to me but now that they knew...
"I see." Quatre appears unperturbed by the tensions that rose around us. He is as always a diplomat. "Well, if Mr. Khushrenada and his family would like, I think we have a nearby cabin which is vacant."
"I'm sure they have plans." Hitoshi steps into the breach this time, aware of the strange differences in the air after the announcement of Treize's existence. "Anyway, it appears to me we'd better go up and get something dry, or else we'll all be sick with a cold. Don't you think so, Releena?"
"I agree with Hitoshi. Come on, everyone, let's go up and change. By the way, where will we be sleeping? I mean, you did make space for us, right? I don't want to sleep in the sofa." Releena smiles, disarming everyone.
"Oh, you'll be bunking with me, Releena!" Lucrezia comes forward. "Hitoshi will be staying with Wu fei. If that is okay with you both, that is?" She glances at them inquiringly. Releena nods, a sign it was okay with her. Hitoshi shrugs, glancing at Wu fei as if he wasn't sure if it was safe to be in the same room as the scholar.
I glance at Une. She seems lost in her thoughts, her face framed by long brown hair, and again I feel a pang of something I couldn't explain. It must be jealousy eating its way into my system, I guessed. I can never hope for anything more than Treize's friendship. All because I was a man.
I hate myself. For being jealous, for even thinking I could be anything more to Treize. He left someone waiting for him, and she deserved to hear from him after thinking he was dead for the past three years. And still I think of my loneliness too, and wonder who deserved this pain of waiting more, Une or me.
