AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, what I've done is absolutely horrendous. I know I've waited far too
long
to post another chapter, but I just haven't been too inspired lately. (September 11th, anthrax scares,
skirmishes in the family, moving to a new house . . .) But now that the holidays are in full swing (thanks
to Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!), I'm in the mood for writing comedy again. Once again,
a special thanx to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters, and I hope that Chapter 7 is to your
liking. ;)
I do, however, have a couple things in here that may or may not be semi-controversial. Firstly, I am
not slamming Robert Patrick in any way, shape or form in this chapter. I'm simply having a little fun
with his name. Secondly, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Secret Service agents. They're
tough, they take bullets for important people, and, best of all, they wear those cool sunglasses. ;) Please
understand that everyone is fair game in my parodies, including myself. So if you're a fan of Robert
Patrick (or if you actually are Robert Patrick) or if you know anyone in the Secret Service (or if you
actually are a Secret Service agent yourself), please do not take offense.
(DOGGETT: I'm taking offense to that statement!)
*Sigh* . . .
Happy Reading!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
*
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)
*
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she
gets out of the hospital.
*
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?
*
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in
the plot of this fic.
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!
*
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .
*
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.
*
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .
so sleepy all of a sudden . . .
*
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.
You're carrying the Lion.
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something
special that will get you all out of this mess.
*
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!
*
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?
*
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!
*
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 7 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY, KRYCEK,
SPENDER, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN are watching the crystal ball, which
shows MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG getting up and dancing
toward the Capital City.)
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!
KRYCEK (waving a piece of paper): I have a list, if you'd like to see it . . .
FOWLEY (ignoring KRYCEK): But, shoes or no shoes . . .
SPENDER: No shoes, no shirt, no service!
FOWLEY (trying again): . . . Shoes or no shoes, I'm still great enough to conquer her!
CSM: Are you great enough? Are you really?
FOWLEY (angrily): And woe to those who try to stop me!!
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, we're *so* scared.
FOWLEY (irate): SHUT-UP ALL OF YOU!!!
(Everyone falls silent for a moment.)
KRYCEK (quietly): I still think you should take a look at my list.
FOWLEY (giving him an odd look): All right, Flying Monkey . . .
KRYCEK (quietly reminding her): Leader.
FOWLEY (annoyed): . . . Let's have it.
KRYCEK (pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket): We have . . .
(SPENDER thrums his fingers on a table in an attempt to imitate a suspenseful drumroll. He stops
when KRYCEK glares at him; KRYCEK then begins:)
KRYCEK (reading): Firstly, Glinda, the Good Witch of the Southeast . . .
MARITA: No surprise there.
KRYCEK: . . . Secondly, the Scarecrow . . .
MARITA: Isn't that Mulder?
SPENDER: You better believe it.
MARITA (shrugging): No surprise there.
KRYCEK: . . . Thirdly, the Tin Man . . .
MARITA: Macho Man!!
(KRYCEK gives MARITA a jealous look.)
FOWLEY: Continue, Flying Monkey.
KRYCEK: . . . Fourthly, the Cowardly Lion who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder . . .
SPENDER: Poor guy doesn't have a choice.
MARITA: He's got a cheesy HMO plan.
KRYCEK: . . . And fifthly, the Author of this fic, Capt. Janeway.
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?
KRYCEK: Two words.
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.
FOWLEY (getting an idea): Really?
CSM: Is it because of John Doggett? Is it really?
KRYCEK (sarcastically): No, it isn't. In fact, everything I just said was a complete lie.
CSM: Was everything you just said a complete lie? Was it really?
KRYCEK (annoyed): Why do you always say everything in the form of a question?!
CSM: Are you asking me why I always say everything in the form of a--
KRYCEK, MARITA, and SPENDER: YES, YOU IDIOT!!
FOWLEY: SILENCE, FOOLS!!
(Everyone is quiet again.)
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we should do
whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .
(FOWLEY draws the three Conspiracy members together in a huddle; they begin to whisper their
ideas to each other . . .)
(Cut to: The end of the Yellow Brick Road. There is a large wall surrounding the Capital City, with a
small door. Next to the small door is a big red button. SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT,
SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG skip up to the entrance:)
SKINNER: That's funny . . . I never noticed this large wall surrounding the Capital City before . . .
MULDER: Me neither, come to think of it . . .
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the sign.
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!
DOGGETT: Why not?
MULDER (trying to think of a good explanation): Because . . . Because . . . Uh . . . Because . . . I just
can't help it! We have to argue about everything!!
DOGGETT: Do not.
MULDER: Do too.
DOGGETT: Do not!
MULDER: Do too!
DOGGETT: Do not!!
MULDER: Do too!!
(Angrily, DOGGETT reaches up and smacks the big red button with his hand before anyone can stop
him. Suddenly, the door opens a tiny bit, and we see KERSH poke his head out.)
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?
(Everyone is silent.)
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!
KERSH: Did you, Tin Man?
DOGGETT: Well, yeah . . .
KERSH (getting into his "Sinister-First-Name-Basis" mood): Well, Tin Man, that really is too bad.
This is your chance to shine, you know. I really would hate to see you blow it . . .
DOGGETT (annoyed): Look, can we just go into the Capital City, already?
KERSH: But you rang the doorbell, Tin Man.
DOGGETT: Yeah. So?
KERSH: You didn't bother to read the sign.
DOGGETT: What sign?
KERSH: That one, right there.
(KERSH points to where the sign ought to be, but it isn't there. Realizing his error, KERSH angrily
goes back behind the gate. A moment later he returns, and hangs the sign where it should have been;
he leaves, slamming the gate behind him.)
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (reading the sign): DOORBELL OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE KNOCK.
DOGGETT: But it worked just fine . . .
MULDER (shrugging): Kersh is the boss.
(MULDER knocks loudly. KERSH pokes his head out again.)
KERSH: Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business.
SCULLY: We want to see the President.
KERSH (looking as though he's about to have a heart attack): The *President*?!?!???!!! But nobody
can see the President!! Nobody's *ever* seen the President!!! Even I've never seen him!!!
MULDER: You *haven't*? Sheesh, where do you live, sir? Afghanistan?
KERSH: Well . . . Actually, nobody has ever *talked* to the President. That's what I meant to say . . .
SKINNER: That's not true.
SCULLY: His Cabinet talks to him all the time.
MULDER: And his family.
KERSH (annoyed): Can't you people just play along for once?
DOGGETT: No.
KERSH: Well, I still can't let you in.
SKINNER: Why not?
KERSH: Because I'm a jerk.
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called them
Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy, and you're
supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the slippers, I
guess I have to let you all in.
(KERSH opens the door and lets them all in. KERSH hails a taxi for them.)
KERSH: Take them directly to the White House.
TAXI DRIVER: Right!
(SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG all get in the taxi. As they're
driving to the White House, they and other people they pass along the way start to sing:)
EVERYONE (to the tune of that "Ha-Ha-Ha! Ho-Ho-Ho!" song):
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
Shrug, shrug, shrug,
Smirk, smirk, smirk,
And some interviews on t.v.!
That's how we do it all right here
In Washington, D.C.!
We get-up at twelve
And start to work at one!
Take an hour for lunch,
And then at two we're done!
Jolly good fun!
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
(The song ends as they arrive at the White House.)
TAXI DRIVER (as the X-Files characters get out): That'll be a hundred bucks.
MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER: WHAT?!
TAXI DRIVER: Well, you're all famous people, so I gotta have *some* extra money here.
SCULLY: We're famous?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick
Robert . . .
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick, not
Patrick Robert.
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, right! I *know* X-Files, man! The guy's name is Patrick Robert!
DOGGETT (angrily): It's Robert Patrick! I should know! He's *my* actor!
SCULLY: Let's not get too carried away, here . . .
DOGGETT (irate): No! This guy's WRONG, and I'm not gonna let him get away with it!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett, remember my "molasses" analogy to describe scenes
in which there are nothing but pointless arguments?
DOGGETT: I see the whole world's against me today. Well, fine. Maybe the President can fix that,
too. Let's go.
(The X-Files characters walk away. The TAXI DRIVER prepares to drive away, when he suddenly
remembers:)
TAXI DRIVER: Hey!! Come back here!!! YOU DIDN'T PAY ME!!!!!
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. The background appears to be nothing but a blank page; the
characters are looking around, trying to figure out what's going on:)
JIMMY: Hey! What happened to our Storm Cellar bit?
YVES (looking in a small hand-held mirror): Ugh! My hair looks horrible against this white
background . . .
MULDER: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway
so we can get an explanation?
DOGGETT (to SKINNER): Did you hear something, sir?
FOWLEY: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway
so we can get an explanation?
DOGGETT: That's a good idea. Capt. Janeway! CAPT. JANEWAY!!
(There is no response.)
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway?
(Again, no response. DOGGETT clears his throat:)
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!
(Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY appears in front of the group of X-Files/Lone Gunmen characters.
She's fully prepared to attack someone:)
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!! KILL!
KILL! KILL! I MUST KILL HER!! I MUST KILL THAT EVIL CHARACTER ONCE AND
FOR ALL!!!!
SKINNER: Next time, say something that isn't quite so . . . *inflammatory,* Agent Doggett.
CAPT. JANEWAY (still angry): WHERE IS SHE?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!
DOGGETT: Uh . . . Actually, Shannon McMann isn't here.
FOWLEY: Doggett was just trying to summon you.
CAPT. JANEWAY (calming down): So . . . Shannon McMann *isn't* here?
DOGGETT: No. You kept ignoring me, so I had to use *something* to get your attention.
CAPT. JANEWAY: You could've found a way to get my attention without making my blood pressure
skyrocket.
DOGGETT: Sorry.
YVES: Anyway, we'd like to have an explanation.
CAPT. JANEWAY: An explanation? An explanation about what?
FOWLEY: An explanation as to why you've been neglecting the Storm Cellar scenes.
MULDER: I mean, really, it was fun for a while . . . But when you gave Doggett limited Author powers,
the whole thing just crumbled, and you did nothing to stop it.
DOGGETT: Yeah . . . Hey! Wait a minute! It started crumbling *before* she gave me limited Author
powers!
MULDER: Did not!
DOGGETT: Did too!
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting-in): Let's not start that again, all right? Now, I understand your frustration
about the lack of Storm Cellar scenes, not to mention the fact that it's taken me months to get this
chapter done, but a lot of things have been happening lately, what with the holidays and all . . .
DOGGETT (bitterly): From which you excluded me, forcing me to turn to Shannon McMann . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (continuing): . . . In addition to the fact that I've just moved to a new house. But
the Storm Cellar scenes turned out to be a really . . . Well, a really pathetic idea. I'm sorry, everyone,
but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas for the Storm Cellar scenes.
JIMMY: What?!
FOWLEY: You can't do that!!
DOGGETT: I'll be stripped of my limited Author powers within this fic!
YVES: What will Jimmy and I do?! We're not even X-Files characters!! Our show hardly lasted one
season!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?!
CAPT. JANEWAY (uncomfortable): Uh . . . Sorry?
YVES: "Sorry" isn't going to cut it!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it'll have to. I'm the Author. I can do whatever I want.
YVES: Really? Then why haven't you cut to a different scene, if you're as great as you claim to be?
CAPT. JANEWAY: That's a good idea . . .
(Cut to: Just outside the White House. We see SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and
QUEEQUEG peering through the gate.)
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .
(MULDER points somewhere off to the right.)
(Cut to: A part of the White House lawn to the right of where the X-Files characters are. We see a
large group of Secret Service Agents peacefully lying on the grass, gazing up at the sky:)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Never . . . Hah! That one looks like a bunny rabbit!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: It looks more like a horsy to me.
(Cut back to: Just outside the White House. All look at each other:)
DOGGETT: I say we climb the gate. Who's with me?
SKINNER: I don't know . . . The last guy who tried to gain unauthorized access to the White House
got shot. Remember that Census worker from Season 8?
SCULLY: I'm in.
MULDER: I'm in.
(QUEEQUEG barks. SCULLY scoops him up in her arms.)
SKINNER: I don't like this . . .
MULDER: Oh, come on. We're only creating a major breach in the security of the President. (Aside:)
Security protocols and search warrants: Who needs 'em?
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.
(SKINNER holds out his hands and DOGGETT steps on
them and starts to climb the gate. Then, MULDER climbs over the gate, and SCULLY , and, eventually, SKINNER. The characters run across the lawn toward the White
House.)
(Cut to: The Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY and REYES are talking to each other. KRYCEK,
MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, unsuccessfully trying to listen to what FOWLEY
and REYES are talking about, can be seen in the background.)
REYES: . . . So that's who the *real* father of Scully's baby is.
FOWLEY (shocked): No! Say it isn't so!
REYES: Really. And if you want even more gossip, I've got plenty on Doggett. Hah! Everyone thinks
I'm so stupid, but little do they know that I just *pretend* to be that way . . .
FOWLEY: Well, Monica--er, Glinda, I must tell you that the real reason why I called you over here
wasn't because I wanted to get juicy gossip on all the characters, though I would like to get some more
gossip from you later.
REYES: Why am I here, then?
FOWLEY: Well . . .
(FOWLEY leans forward and whispers something in REYES's ear. REYES's eyes suddenly grow
quite large:)
REYES (loudly): No way! You're actually leading . . .
FOWLEY: Shut-up, before *she* hears you!
REYES (whispering): . . . You're actually leading a rebellion against Capt. Janeway?
FOWLEY (also whispering): Yes.
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!
FOWLEY: Well, I suppose there's a first time for everything. And, really, besides Doggett, there aren't
too many characters who care for Janeway too much.
REYES: I'm not so sure about that. I think the Munchkins--uh, the Lone Gunmen, are on her side.
(lowering her voice even more:) And I think Krycek's on her side, too . . .
FOWLEY (glancing around nervously): Yes, I've suspected that myself. Now, here's what I plan to do
. . .
(FOWLEY leans forward again and whispers her plans in REYES's ear.)
(Cut to: Inside the Oval Office. We see President George W. Bush looking out the
window as he drinks a cup of coffee. Suddenly, SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER
come bursting through the doors of the Oval Office:)
SCULLY: Look! There's the President!
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a moment:)
And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!
DUBYA: Me? Fix your problems?
(The X-Files characters nod their heads. DUBYA quickly sits down in his chair and pulls out a large
stack of papers from a drawer.)
DUBYA: I'm sorry, but I really have a lot of things to do . . . Those classified NSA reports just won't
read themselves, you know . . .
(Cut to: Underneath DUBYA's desk. We see him frantically pressing a button marked "SECURITY.")
(Cut back to: DUBYA and the X-Files characters.)
SCULLY (starting to cry): Oh, but, Mr. President, we've come such a long way . . .
MULDER: Yeah. Dorothy needs to get home, and I need a brain!
DOGGETT: And I need a new axe!
SKINNER: And I need mind-altering medication!
DUBYA (muttering to himself): I say you *all* need mind-altering medication . . . (talking normally
again:) . . . Look, I really can't be doing this right now. I have places to go, and press conferences to
give. Not to mention a war to fight and dignitaries to greet.
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!
******************************************************************************
Will Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion get what they want from President Bush
No. 43? Where's Queequeg? Why didn't he enter the Oval Office with the other characters?
(DOGGETT: What are Fowley and Reyes plotting to do?)
What's that, Doggett? Something about a plot?
(DOGGETT: Yeah! You mean you haven't heard?)
No . . .
Anyway, keep your eyes peeled (not literally, of course; that might get messy . . .) for Chapter 8, in
which we will torment a few more well-known politicians.
Until then, may the fics be with you!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review! I don't bribe you for nothin'!)
long
to post another chapter, but I just haven't been too inspired lately. (September 11th, anthrax scares,
skirmishes in the family, moving to a new house . . .) But now that the holidays are in full swing (thanks
to Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!), I'm in the mood for writing comedy again. Once again,
a special thanx to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters, and I hope that Chapter 7 is to your
liking. ;)
I do, however, have a couple things in here that may or may not be semi-controversial. Firstly, I am
not slamming Robert Patrick in any way, shape or form in this chapter. I'm simply having a little fun
with his name. Secondly, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Secret Service agents. They're
tough, they take bullets for important people, and, best of all, they wear those cool sunglasses. ;) Please
understand that everyone is fair game in my parodies, including myself. So if you're a fan of Robert
Patrick (or if you actually are Robert Patrick) or if you know anyone in the Secret Service (or if you
actually are a Secret Service agent yourself), please do not take offense.
(DOGGETT: I'm taking offense to that statement!)
*Sigh* . . .
Happy Reading!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
*
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)
*
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she
gets out of the hospital.
*
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?
*
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in
the plot of this fic.
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!
*
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .
*
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.
*
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .
so sleepy all of a sudden . . .
*
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.
You're carrying the Lion.
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something
special that will get you all out of this mess.
*
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!
*
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?
*
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!
*
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 7 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY, KRYCEK,
SPENDER, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN are watching the crystal ball, which
shows MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG getting up and dancing
toward the Capital City.)
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!
KRYCEK (waving a piece of paper): I have a list, if you'd like to see it . . .
FOWLEY (ignoring KRYCEK): But, shoes or no shoes . . .
SPENDER: No shoes, no shirt, no service!
FOWLEY (trying again): . . . Shoes or no shoes, I'm still great enough to conquer her!
CSM: Are you great enough? Are you really?
FOWLEY (angrily): And woe to those who try to stop me!!
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, we're *so* scared.
FOWLEY (irate): SHUT-UP ALL OF YOU!!!
(Everyone falls silent for a moment.)
KRYCEK (quietly): I still think you should take a look at my list.
FOWLEY (giving him an odd look): All right, Flying Monkey . . .
KRYCEK (quietly reminding her): Leader.
FOWLEY (annoyed): . . . Let's have it.
KRYCEK (pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket): We have . . .
(SPENDER thrums his fingers on a table in an attempt to imitate a suspenseful drumroll. He stops
when KRYCEK glares at him; KRYCEK then begins:)
KRYCEK (reading): Firstly, Glinda, the Good Witch of the Southeast . . .
MARITA: No surprise there.
KRYCEK: . . . Secondly, the Scarecrow . . .
MARITA: Isn't that Mulder?
SPENDER: You better believe it.
MARITA (shrugging): No surprise there.
KRYCEK: . . . Thirdly, the Tin Man . . .
MARITA: Macho Man!!
(KRYCEK gives MARITA a jealous look.)
FOWLEY: Continue, Flying Monkey.
KRYCEK: . . . Fourthly, the Cowardly Lion who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder . . .
SPENDER: Poor guy doesn't have a choice.
MARITA: He's got a cheesy HMO plan.
KRYCEK: . . . And fifthly, the Author of this fic, Capt. Janeway.
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?
KRYCEK: Two words.
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.
FOWLEY (getting an idea): Really?
CSM: Is it because of John Doggett? Is it really?
KRYCEK (sarcastically): No, it isn't. In fact, everything I just said was a complete lie.
CSM: Was everything you just said a complete lie? Was it really?
KRYCEK (annoyed): Why do you always say everything in the form of a question?!
CSM: Are you asking me why I always say everything in the form of a--
KRYCEK, MARITA, and SPENDER: YES, YOU IDIOT!!
FOWLEY: SILENCE, FOOLS!!
(Everyone is quiet again.)
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we should do
whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .
(FOWLEY draws the three Conspiracy members together in a huddle; they begin to whisper their
ideas to each other . . .)
(Cut to: The end of the Yellow Brick Road. There is a large wall surrounding the Capital City, with a
small door. Next to the small door is a big red button. SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT,
SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG skip up to the entrance:)
SKINNER: That's funny . . . I never noticed this large wall surrounding the Capital City before . . .
MULDER: Me neither, come to think of it . . .
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the sign.
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!
DOGGETT: Why not?
MULDER (trying to think of a good explanation): Because . . . Because . . . Uh . . . Because . . . I just
can't help it! We have to argue about everything!!
DOGGETT: Do not.
MULDER: Do too.
DOGGETT: Do not!
MULDER: Do too!
DOGGETT: Do not!!
MULDER: Do too!!
(Angrily, DOGGETT reaches up and smacks the big red button with his hand before anyone can stop
him. Suddenly, the door opens a tiny bit, and we see KERSH poke his head out.)
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?
(Everyone is silent.)
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!
KERSH: Did you, Tin Man?
DOGGETT: Well, yeah . . .
KERSH (getting into his "Sinister-First-Name-Basis" mood): Well, Tin Man, that really is too bad.
This is your chance to shine, you know. I really would hate to see you blow it . . .
DOGGETT (annoyed): Look, can we just go into the Capital City, already?
KERSH: But you rang the doorbell, Tin Man.
DOGGETT: Yeah. So?
KERSH: You didn't bother to read the sign.
DOGGETT: What sign?
KERSH: That one, right there.
(KERSH points to where the sign ought to be, but it isn't there. Realizing his error, KERSH angrily
goes back behind the gate. A moment later he returns, and hangs the sign where it should have been;
he leaves, slamming the gate behind him.)
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (reading the sign): DOORBELL OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE KNOCK.
DOGGETT: But it worked just fine . . .
MULDER (shrugging): Kersh is the boss.
(MULDER knocks loudly. KERSH pokes his head out again.)
KERSH: Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business.
SCULLY: We want to see the President.
KERSH (looking as though he's about to have a heart attack): The *President*?!?!???!!! But nobody
can see the President!! Nobody's *ever* seen the President!!! Even I've never seen him!!!
MULDER: You *haven't*? Sheesh, where do you live, sir? Afghanistan?
KERSH: Well . . . Actually, nobody has ever *talked* to the President. That's what I meant to say . . .
SKINNER: That's not true.
SCULLY: His Cabinet talks to him all the time.
MULDER: And his family.
KERSH (annoyed): Can't you people just play along for once?
DOGGETT: No.
KERSH: Well, I still can't let you in.
SKINNER: Why not?
KERSH: Because I'm a jerk.
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called them
Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy, and you're
supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the slippers, I
guess I have to let you all in.
(KERSH opens the door and lets them all in. KERSH hails a taxi for them.)
KERSH: Take them directly to the White House.
TAXI DRIVER: Right!
(SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG all get in the taxi. As they're
driving to the White House, they and other people they pass along the way start to sing:)
EVERYONE (to the tune of that "Ha-Ha-Ha! Ho-Ho-Ho!" song):
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
Shrug, shrug, shrug,
Smirk, smirk, smirk,
And some interviews on t.v.!
That's how we do it all right here
In Washington, D.C.!
We get-up at twelve
And start to work at one!
Take an hour for lunch,
And then at two we're done!
Jolly good fun!
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
(The song ends as they arrive at the White House.)
TAXI DRIVER (as the X-Files characters get out): That'll be a hundred bucks.
MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER: WHAT?!
TAXI DRIVER: Well, you're all famous people, so I gotta have *some* extra money here.
SCULLY: We're famous?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick
Robert . . .
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick, not
Patrick Robert.
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, right! I *know* X-Files, man! The guy's name is Patrick Robert!
DOGGETT (angrily): It's Robert Patrick! I should know! He's *my* actor!
SCULLY: Let's not get too carried away, here . . .
DOGGETT (irate): No! This guy's WRONG, and I'm not gonna let him get away with it!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett, remember my "molasses" analogy to describe scenes
in which there are nothing but pointless arguments?
DOGGETT: I see the whole world's against me today. Well, fine. Maybe the President can fix that,
too. Let's go.
(The X-Files characters walk away. The TAXI DRIVER prepares to drive away, when he suddenly
remembers:)
TAXI DRIVER: Hey!! Come back here!!! YOU DIDN'T PAY ME!!!!!
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. The background appears to be nothing but a blank page; the
characters are looking around, trying to figure out what's going on:)
JIMMY: Hey! What happened to our Storm Cellar bit?
YVES (looking in a small hand-held mirror): Ugh! My hair looks horrible against this white
background . . .
MULDER: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway
so we can get an explanation?
DOGGETT (to SKINNER): Did you hear something, sir?
FOWLEY: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway
so we can get an explanation?
DOGGETT: That's a good idea. Capt. Janeway! CAPT. JANEWAY!!
(There is no response.)
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway?
(Again, no response. DOGGETT clears his throat:)
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!
(Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY appears in front of the group of X-Files/Lone Gunmen characters.
She's fully prepared to attack someone:)
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!! KILL!
KILL! KILL! I MUST KILL HER!! I MUST KILL THAT EVIL CHARACTER ONCE AND
FOR ALL!!!!
SKINNER: Next time, say something that isn't quite so . . . *inflammatory,* Agent Doggett.
CAPT. JANEWAY (still angry): WHERE IS SHE?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!
DOGGETT: Uh . . . Actually, Shannon McMann isn't here.
FOWLEY: Doggett was just trying to summon you.
CAPT. JANEWAY (calming down): So . . . Shannon McMann *isn't* here?
DOGGETT: No. You kept ignoring me, so I had to use *something* to get your attention.
CAPT. JANEWAY: You could've found a way to get my attention without making my blood pressure
skyrocket.
DOGGETT: Sorry.
YVES: Anyway, we'd like to have an explanation.
CAPT. JANEWAY: An explanation? An explanation about what?
FOWLEY: An explanation as to why you've been neglecting the Storm Cellar scenes.
MULDER: I mean, really, it was fun for a while . . . But when you gave Doggett limited Author powers,
the whole thing just crumbled, and you did nothing to stop it.
DOGGETT: Yeah . . . Hey! Wait a minute! It started crumbling *before* she gave me limited Author
powers!
MULDER: Did not!
DOGGETT: Did too!
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting-in): Let's not start that again, all right? Now, I understand your frustration
about the lack of Storm Cellar scenes, not to mention the fact that it's taken me months to get this
chapter done, but a lot of things have been happening lately, what with the holidays and all . . .
DOGGETT (bitterly): From which you excluded me, forcing me to turn to Shannon McMann . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (continuing): . . . In addition to the fact that I've just moved to a new house. But
the Storm Cellar scenes turned out to be a really . . . Well, a really pathetic idea. I'm sorry, everyone,
but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas for the Storm Cellar scenes.
JIMMY: What?!
FOWLEY: You can't do that!!
DOGGETT: I'll be stripped of my limited Author powers within this fic!
YVES: What will Jimmy and I do?! We're not even X-Files characters!! Our show hardly lasted one
season!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?!
CAPT. JANEWAY (uncomfortable): Uh . . . Sorry?
YVES: "Sorry" isn't going to cut it!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it'll have to. I'm the Author. I can do whatever I want.
YVES: Really? Then why haven't you cut to a different scene, if you're as great as you claim to be?
CAPT. JANEWAY: That's a good idea . . .
(Cut to: Just outside the White House. We see SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and
QUEEQUEG peering through the gate.)
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .
(MULDER points somewhere off to the right.)
(Cut to: A part of the White House lawn to the right of where the X-Files characters are. We see a
large group of Secret Service Agents peacefully lying on the grass, gazing up at the sky:)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Never . . . Hah! That one looks like a bunny rabbit!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: It looks more like a horsy to me.
(Cut back to: Just outside the White House. All look at each other:)
DOGGETT: I say we climb the gate. Who's with me?
SKINNER: I don't know . . . The last guy who tried to gain unauthorized access to the White House
got shot. Remember that Census worker from Season 8?
SCULLY: I'm in.
MULDER: I'm in.
(QUEEQUEG barks. SCULLY scoops him up in her arms.)
SKINNER: I don't like this . . .
MULDER: Oh, come on. We're only creating a major breach in the security of the President. (Aside:)
Security protocols and search warrants: Who needs 'em?
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.
(SKINNER holds out his hands and DOGGETT steps on
them and starts to climb the gate. Then, MULDER climbs over the gate, and SCULLY , and, eventually, SKINNER. The characters run across the lawn toward the White
House.)
(Cut to: The Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY and REYES are talking to each other. KRYCEK,
MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, unsuccessfully trying to listen to what FOWLEY
and REYES are talking about, can be seen in the background.)
REYES: . . . So that's who the *real* father of Scully's baby is.
FOWLEY (shocked): No! Say it isn't so!
REYES: Really. And if you want even more gossip, I've got plenty on Doggett. Hah! Everyone thinks
I'm so stupid, but little do they know that I just *pretend* to be that way . . .
FOWLEY: Well, Monica--er, Glinda, I must tell you that the real reason why I called you over here
wasn't because I wanted to get juicy gossip on all the characters, though I would like to get some more
gossip from you later.
REYES: Why am I here, then?
FOWLEY: Well . . .
(FOWLEY leans forward and whispers something in REYES's ear. REYES's eyes suddenly grow
quite large:)
REYES (loudly): No way! You're actually leading . . .
FOWLEY: Shut-up, before *she* hears you!
REYES (whispering): . . . You're actually leading a rebellion against Capt. Janeway?
FOWLEY (also whispering): Yes.
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!
FOWLEY: Well, I suppose there's a first time for everything. And, really, besides Doggett, there aren't
too many characters who care for Janeway too much.
REYES: I'm not so sure about that. I think the Munchkins--uh, the Lone Gunmen, are on her side.
(lowering her voice even more:) And I think Krycek's on her side, too . . .
FOWLEY (glancing around nervously): Yes, I've suspected that myself. Now, here's what I plan to do
. . .
(FOWLEY leans forward again and whispers her plans in REYES's ear.)
(Cut to: Inside the Oval Office. We see President George W. Bush looking out the
window as he drinks a cup of coffee. Suddenly, SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER
come bursting through the doors of the Oval Office:)
SCULLY: Look! There's the President!
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a moment:)
And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!
DUBYA: Me? Fix your problems?
(The X-Files characters nod their heads. DUBYA quickly sits down in his chair and pulls out a large
stack of papers from a drawer.)
DUBYA: I'm sorry, but I really have a lot of things to do . . . Those classified NSA reports just won't
read themselves, you know . . .
(Cut to: Underneath DUBYA's desk. We see him frantically pressing a button marked "SECURITY.")
(Cut back to: DUBYA and the X-Files characters.)
SCULLY (starting to cry): Oh, but, Mr. President, we've come such a long way . . .
MULDER: Yeah. Dorothy needs to get home, and I need a brain!
DOGGETT: And I need a new axe!
SKINNER: And I need mind-altering medication!
DUBYA (muttering to himself): I say you *all* need mind-altering medication . . . (talking normally
again:) . . . Look, I really can't be doing this right now. I have places to go, and press conferences to
give. Not to mention a war to fight and dignitaries to greet.
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!
******************************************************************************
Will Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion get what they want from President Bush
No. 43? Where's Queequeg? Why didn't he enter the Oval Office with the other characters?
(DOGGETT: What are Fowley and Reyes plotting to do?)
What's that, Doggett? Something about a plot?
(DOGGETT: Yeah! You mean you haven't heard?)
No . . .
Anyway, keep your eyes peeled (not literally, of course; that might get messy . . .) for Chapter 8, in
which we will torment a few more well-known politicians.
Until then, may the fics be with you!
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review! I don't bribe you for nothin'!)
