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Life without love: Chapter 3
A Gundam Wing Fan fiction
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DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
Without warning Treize and Angel descended upon us the next morning. They must have wheedled the address from Releena, or something. I was getting a cup of coffee, when they descended on us like birds, carrying skis and other paraphernalia, including a toboggan for sliding down the slopes in their car. I knew it. They were going to join the fun, probably at Treize's instigation. I should have guessed from Treize's references on going down to the cabin to see everyone. I decide that it would be best to avoid him for now.
Avoid him? Yes. If I avoided him maybe the hurt I'm feeling will lessen. The hurt because I know he can never be mine, but I will always want him. Want him selfishly, unbefitting of me, of our old friendship. I'd be better off crying about what could never be had than try getting it. That would let me keep my dignity at least.
"Hey, people in the cabin! Everyone, pack up cause we're all heading for the slopes! Girls, guys, come on!" I hear greetings shouted from windows and people coming out of the front door. "Where is that Milliard hiding out?" Someone--Treize--shouts from the stairs, and I try to do the best of my escape. I'd better head off to where they won't expect to see me and while they are engrossed in greeting and introducing each other. Thinking that way I step out of the kitchen to the snow. The cabin was on the side of the mountain, and though the front was supported by posts from the ground, the back, where the kitchen was, was flush to the slope of the mountain. I stand there in the cold, wearing a thick sweater, and corduroy slacks.
Cold, almost too cold. I am glad I had a mug of hot coffee in my hands. I hear them all preparing to go off to the slopes, dressing warmly, getting boots and skis, trying to figure out where I hid. They all give outrageous reasons as to where I had gone, but when they couldn't find me in the balcony they must have been baffled as to where I've went. I don't dare to look in, because someone may be looking out at the kitchen door when I look in. The snow falls on my head from the roof, while snow is also melting on my foot, and my shoes are getting wet. I don't want to have this pair ruined while in hiding, but what the heck. If only to avoid Treize.
I could imagine what was happening inside as if I was with them. Trowa would be helping Quatre into a parka, giving the blonde boy a special smile whose meaning is known only between them. Duo would be frantically looking for his ski poles, with Heero shaking his head slightly as he held them up. Lucrezia would be trying to contact the hotel to ask if the slopes were okay, and finding out it was, hurry to dress. Sally would be trying to organize everyone and finding out who missed anything. Wu fei tried to hide, not wanting a day skiing, but Angel caught him red-handed, and persuaded him to go with him. I distinctly heard Chinese curses in the air. Releena was explaining the rudiments of skiing to an inexperienced Hitoshi, while Duo looked for a flask of brandy to warm him in the slopes. Une was hardly saying a word, but so was Treize, so I guess they were having a private conference where they could not be heard.
All these I hear and imagine, as I sip coffee in the cold outside, feeling the powdery snow resting on my hair and shoulders. I know it all as if I was an observer, and that is all I am after all, an outside observer. This standing out here in the cold while they bustled about brought the fact home. I am unnecessary for them to be happy, and more often than not, I felt like an intruder. An outsider who could not worship the one I cared about. All because of knowing the one I loved deserved better, someone who had also loved and waited patiently all these years.
I guess a lot of people sacrificed themselves for even less.
Une was willing to die for Treize, during the war. I guess even now she would be willing to die for Treize's cause. But that was going to be a life wasted, because she was more important alive than dead. After all, the dead in their cold graves cannot comfort people in need. And no one can bring back the dead to the land of the living. Treize was going to live even if Une died then, he can find another person with as much loyalty to him in this world, so what was the use of dying for him? Only if one could have no hope of living with love must one wither in the cold.
But love for one person, romantic love, is not the only love one can have. There was love for family, friends, people one knew...why wither when so many people love and care for you? If romantic love was not for one, then there are other people to cherish and care about. They would need one more alive than a dead corpse.
At last all the sounds dispersed, and the door slams with finality after them. I hear the pickup and another vehicle start for the slopes. They have left me at last. I take a sigh of relief and release my numb hand from holding the now empty mug. I go to open the kitchen door so as to warm myself.
It swings towards the cabin, opening from inside the kitchen, and I see a large, well-shaped hand holding the handle. I stare at the buffed nails, well-kept. I know who owned those hands, even without seeing him.
Treize smiles as he saw the shock written on my face. "I told them I'll wait for you to tell you where they went," he replied to my unspoken question.
"Thanks. I kind of guessed from what I've heard where they're going. They're heading out to the slopes." I step in and replenish my mug from the coffee machine. My hands are trembling, an automatic reaction as I felt the warmth seep through me. Gods, I must have stood there longer than I thought. It's hard trying to make Treize not see it.
"Where else? Angel found out where you were staying through Releena, while we were in the smoking room, and thought to have a little skiing in. Won't you come with us?" Treize leans against the countertop, sleek in thick black corded pants and a gray sweater.
"No, I'd rather not. Someone ought to keep house. And I have plans."
"No, it's not necessary for you to stay here. The hotel staff can watch it for you. Wait--" He sees the mug shake in my hand. He takes it away from me and takes my hands, feeling their coldness, rubbing it to put some warmth through it. "I should have known you would be standing in the cold with nothing to warm you. You'll catch a cold. Foolish Milliard. It'll take something more than coffee to warm you." He makes me sit down on a kitchen stool and pours a helping of brandy into the brewed coffee in my mug. "Drink, it'll warm you."
"Thanks again." I sip it. It was fiery in my throat, and I cough a bit. It was too much too soon. Treize left me and comes back holding a quilt he found that was probably left on the sofa, and draped it around me. "You'd better go out to follow them. It's a nice day for skiing. I should know, after spending time outside." I grin weakly, as I could feel the kitchen's warmth drying me.
"Also a nice day to catch a cold. Of all the damn fool things to do." Treize sat across the counter from me, and stares at me intently. I feel uncomfortable, knowing my hair was plastered all over my face by the melting snow, and that my cold hands are being warmed by the coffee mug. He seems to realize he was staring, and looks away, uncomfortable for a fleeting second. I clear my throat to talk.
"Where is Une? I thought she'd be here..." `--because you're here,' I add the words in my mind. After yesterday, I would have thought she'd be eager to see him.
"She went with the others to ski," he replies abruptly. Then just as abruptly he changes the subject. "I never realize how pale you are before. Or maybe it's because of your exposure outside? No matter, you still look like a ghost! Haven't been taking care of yourself, huh?"
"I guess it's because of the cold. But don't worry about me. I can manage here alone. I often stay in the house, anyway. Go follow the others." I drink some more of the coffee, and the brandy was making me feel relaxed and warm.
"If I didn't know better..." He leans forward, deep blue eyes serious as they look into mine. A hand covers mine on the countertop. I feel rather than see the rush of blood to my cheeks, and pray he wouldn't notice I was flushing. I try to look at him straight in the eye, to belie anything he would say. Those darling blue eyes, so full of emotions I don't even want to try to read, afraid I'd only make a mistake in hoping for what I couldn't have.
"If you didn't know better what?"
The hand tightens, and then let mine go. I feel a pang of disappointment. He leans back on the chair, his face impassive. Even when he was remote he looked good. Lucky devil.
"I'd say that you were afraid to be left alone with me."
I face him with as much false bravura as I could muster. "Afraid to be left alone with you? Why should I? It's not as if you're going to kis--kill me or anything..."
"That's my point. So why are you avoiding me?"
"Avoiding you?"
"Yeah. I saw you sneak out when we came in. Don't tell me you didn't see us. And don't tell me you snuck out because you didn't want to ski..."
"Well, what if that was true? I didn't want to ski, it's not my sport. And I'm working on translations of the Divine Comedy while they're out. From the original Italian. I'm in Purgatorio already."
"Oh, is that so?" He deliberately pretends to misunderstand. The urge to strangle him came, but passed quickly. I find it hard to be angry with him for long. "Anyway, I'm going to find you in the slopes skiing within an hour, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. After you thaw, that is."
"Treize!"
"You will not resist. I'll take you skiing, and if I want to, I'll get it." He shrugs. "It always happens. You'd better accept you're going skiing."
"No, I will not. Even if you drag me and tie me to the skis and push me off the slope."
"Milliard Peacecraft, why did you go to a winter skiing resort if you're not going to ski?" He sounds exasperated with me already, and I was secretly glad I could still annoy him to his wits' end. It gave me an edge he could never stop being huffy about when I'm being stubborn against him.
"So I can be reached by my office only by cell phone and I'll tell them I can't go back because an avalanche blocked the road." I smile. "After all, one can escape from a lot of things in a winter resort."
"Even from the past?"
I look at him. He was serious, no sign of emotion on his face. We just stare at each other for a long time, knowing he spoke the truth, but not wanting to say anything about it. Then I look away.
He was suddenly angry, and I don't know whether he was angry at me or at himself, but he was. The air was thick with suppressed emotions. When I look at his deep blue eyes I see anger--and hurt. Was he hurt because I didn't want to be with him? He stands up, picking his jacket, which he had left on the table. "Here, I'll take you up, or wherever you want to rest. I'll just say you were in no shape to go out, after being an imitable fool and hiding out from me."
"I'll be fine. Go ahead, I say. I'll just go up to my room."
"No, I insist. Come on, it's not as if I'm going to eat you. And I am to blame for getting you out on this cold day." He moves to my side, wrapping the quilt around me securely before forcing me to stand up and go with him up to my room. We walk to the hall and climb the stairs. "Which one's yours, anyway?" he asks, bewildered as he looks at the row of identical doors before him.
"This one," I reply, opening the room two doors to my left. It was neat, impersonal. There was my ubiquitous stack of books on the desk, a pair of loafers tossed to one corner, my bed made up with those nice comfy blue quilts found in all the cabins. Treize stands there, useless, but immediately filling the room with his being. I am suddenly afraid to look at him, knowing it's because we are standing in my room, so near a bed, making me feel that we were intimate together...and not necessarily in the sensual sense. One can be intimate without having sex.
"Damn, Milliard, you don't want to leave your mark anywhere, it seems." He goes to the closet, without so much as a by your leave, and starts to take out clothes. "Change, get out of those wet things."
Change? How did he propose for me to change? In front of him? That I should actually strip before him? The thought intensifies my blush. He doesn't seem to notice. Or else he's a good actor. "I'll get you some coffee." He closes the door behind him, giving me enough privacy to change.
When he came back, I was in slacks and a cardigan, drying. My hair is unbraided, and I am combing it. He set down the mug on my bedside table. "Hah, I found your eggnog stash."
"Thanks again. I seem to be thanking you the whole day. Where are your parents by the way?"
"They wanted some time alone. Having two hyperactive kids tired them out yesterday, so they sent us out to find people with enough energy to keep up with us. I didn't tell you that my sister Angel is an ecologist, as well as surfer, skier, and even a bungee jumping champ, right? She'd wear me out soon, and I guess if she'd marry she'd drive her husband nuts with all her activities, leaving her with no time for him."
I smile. "Releena and I are much the same, I'm afraid. I sometimes worry Hitoshi can't keep up with Releena, with all her activities and exposure in the media, but I need not have worried. Hitoshi knows that even though Releena's always so busy, she makes time to see him and me."
"What's with Hitoshi and your sister, anyway? Releena's younger than my sister. And she already has a boyfriend! I'd better tell Angel to get one of her own."
"Oh, no, they're just best friends, so far as Releena tells me. Though sometimes I also wonder if they're actually more than friends." Treize took a seat by my desk, as I sat on the bed, drinking eggnog. He took a sip from his mug too.
"Seems like you've all kept in touch over the years."
"Well, Quatre and Duo seem to think it's a good thing to get together once in a while and find out what events has happened to us. It just so happens that Christmas is a big holiday, and we find ourselves free."
"Can we spend Christmas with you all? I thought you wouldn't mind four extra people sharing the pudding and eggnog. My mom misses a lot of her friends, now that they're scattered all over the world, and I thought she'd feel great if she's among some lively people for Christmas."
"It's okay with me, but you'd better ask the others. I'm sure Une would like to meet them."
"Une knows them already. And why do you keep on mentioning Une anyway?" He sounds irritated, and I look at him, curious what made him so angry. It was my way to remind myself he was for Une, but I guess he's irritated since he does not know why I am doing this.
"It's just that--you and Une--I mean, aren't you glad Une's here?"
"I am."
"Oh."
Silence. Oh, glacial, frozen silence, stopping us from saying things we wanted to talk about, hurtful, hurtful words, maybe, or maybe soothing kindness. It was the first time I've felt this cold anger from him, and I don't know what to do, whether I'd be hurt if I say anything to him or not.
"I'll join the others on the slopes," he told me, tone and eyes icy. I could only watch him go...
It's so sad when one thinks of lost chances, of the past, of the past revisiting in such an unexpected shape. And in the few hours they were out I thought of it a great deal.
Damn him for making me think there was something more to his caring about me. And damn myself for being so hopeful about his words. He only wanted to be my friend again, that was all. After all, what else is there for us? Nothing else, right? I mean, who'd want to be more? It's not as if we were really into anything deep.
We're in a world where people are so caught up, they forget what it is like to live, as in live live. The days pass by like an endless stream of work, until one is burned up, thrown out, retired because of overwork. Stressed out as I am, I don't know if I could face this sort of life anew. It's so good to rest, to have days of idleness filled with activities you so long to do. I have been so caught up with events in Sanque sometimes I feel like turning off my phone and locking myself up in my room when I wake up to a new day. I need time to catch up with myself, knowing that if I keep up my pace I'd end up in the end to be so listless and without energy.
And sometimes, when I get a chance to stay still and see the swirl of bustling people around me, I feel like an ant amidst the big colony, just one among thousands and thousands moving around and around, trying to make sense of the world without pausing to look at it. What were going on in their heads? What are they thinking about? Or are they so bothered by little work problems they've forgotten to think at all?
I'm bothered by thoughts like these as of late, and I don't want to talk to them about it. It appeared to me that all the romance of living had disappeared, we've been into material things, not feeling at all. Even dating seems to be a chore, when it shouldn't. I know that, but still I think that most of the women I've gone out are thinking too much of "I" rather than "us". That's why I end up in this limbo of being a sought after bachelor, but not wanting to settle down.
But Treize, he was a completely different matter.
What would I do if he told me he wanted me? The way I wanted to be wanted, with no inhibitions, with laughter and no regrets, and even though the relationship may turn serious, it'll be so full of joy, I won't regret the serious moments, even if we get caught up with arguing. For as Wu fei said, the making up was fun.
The sounds of engines coming near. I put out the eggnog and cookies I found in the kitchen, as well as having coffee and hot chocolate ready. The marshmallows are out too. It feels soothing to work alone, to have no one tell you you have another appointment in ten minutes or so. I try one of the cookies. Hm, gingerbread. Sally and the girls must have baked them in case of snack times after hitting the slopes. There were Santas and Christmas trees and stars decorated with icing. They must have spent hours making these cookies.
"We're back, if you're here, brother!" Releena shouts to the balcony. I step out, waving.
"How was it? I have snacks all set up." I shout back as the others started getting out of the two parked pickups. The doors slam, and I hear them coming up the stairs.
"You should have been there! Skiing was wonderful," Lucrezia tells me, as she made herself some hot chocolate. "And Angel handled the steepest slope in the whole resort like a dream. She even dared Wu fei down the whole thing, and he somehow managed to."
"Yeah, clinging to his ski poles for dear life, hahahaha--" Duo snickers, giggling. Wu fei turns to the American with a snarl. Heero steps between them before the Chinese pilot could even reach the American.
"At least I tried, but no, you were drinking out there too much to even try skiing."
"Hey, hey! I was feelin' cold outta there, that's the only reasshon why I was drinkin'..." he hiccups. Heero rolls his eyes and gets Duo some brewed coffee, forcing him to drink it. Duo grimaces at the strong taste, but does as he was bid.
"Where are Trowa and the others?"
"Coming. Quatre said he was going to pick something up, and Trowa went with him. Releena went up to get a sweater, and so did Hitoshi," Sally replies as she was taking off her parka. Angel follows in, and Treize enters last, arm in arm with Une. I turn away, pretending to get some more eggnog. It won't hurt, it won't hurt, I think to myself.
Though inside my heart was breaking.
"Cookies? Wonderful! I'm famished." Une smoothens her windswept hair, and it made me wonder if Treize had been running his hands through those long brown locks. Damn I'm getting jealous without reason again.
"Milliard as a domestic. What an--unusual sight." Treize was his old urbane self, totally different from the caring yet probing observer a few hours before. I don't know if I like him better this way, but at least I'm not worried he'll try to find out my motives for the things I am doing. "I'll have some eggnog, if there's any left."
"There is. Lucrezia, would you care to pour?" I motion to the eggnog. "I really should go back to my translations. I've been slackening on them, and I'm rather guilty about it."
"Oh, okay. I would like to read them when you're through."
"Yes, of course," I reply, trying to walk out of the scene before anyone else descends on me to stop me. I should have known I'd have no luck, for as I am about to step out Quatre runs in, boyish and happy, slightly flushed. I wonder if he was tipsy too from drinking from Duo's flask, but then I notice something unusual. His lips were slightly puffy, redder than I've ever seen them. Maybe Trowa and he were busy doing something rather than getting it...
"We found a good diversion for all of us! Come into the living room!" he tells us, breathing hard. When he looks up at me he turns redder, as if knowing I knew what had happened there.
"Let's see what Quatre got all excited about." Sally leaves the room, pulling on Duo's arm. "Oh, what a surprise!"
A branch of mistletoe was hanging from the center of the room, the berries shiny. I turn quickly away, but Treize caught my arm, stopping my escape. "I'd better go back--"
"It's just a little parlor fun, Milliard. No one will get hurt because of little kisses."
His eyes are somber. I couldn't move. This is my chance, I think to myself. Under the mistletoe, I could--might--get the chance to kiss him. Yes, kiss him, feel him near me...in front of all my friends. Dammit! Why is it that I keep on wanting to do something to him that I know I can't? Part of me said, I can't, another said I won't. Why is it I can't just out myself and show that I love him? It's that simple. I love him.
He was reading my eyes, seemingly confused with what he saw. Then he smiles. It was the sort of smile of someone who just remembered a way to convince someone to do as he wished. "I'm sure Lucrezia would want to get a kiss under the mistletoe, you know."
It hurt. I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Did he think I still liked Lucrezia, that our relationship is that that are "more than friends"? Didn't that mean I have no chance at all for him? Who in his decent mind would believe someone who is "taken" likes him more than the girl who'd been there beside me all this time? He probably thought we became lovers over the three years we haven't been in contact. I turn away, excuse on my lips. "I wouldn't want to spoil your fun by playing a grouch, but I really have to go back to my translations."
"Aw, not now, Milliard! Your moldy translations can wait! It's going to be fun! Come on!" Releena steps forward, right under the center of the mistletoe wreath. Duo was the first to kiss her, a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek, saying something like "Hitoshi must be some dude for you to like him!" and then Treize follows, this time a kiss on her lips. I can't say I didn't want to strangle him, because he kissed my sister and not me. I wanted to kiss him, and there he was, blightly kissing my sister as if it was nothing at all. This is murder, slow painful death.
"So, has Hitoshi kissed you yet, little girl, or did I overstep the territory?" he teases, smiling.
Hitoshi steps forward, glaring at Duo for saying such a thing in front of everyone and getting the first kiss, and at Treize for taking a liberty on Releena in his sight. Heero drags Duo away before he could say anything worse. Hitoshi gives Releena a soft kiss on the lips, before twirling her away from the mistletoe. Releena giggles again, and then I notice the line of red over her nose. I couldn't place if it was from the drink or from the kisses. If it was the kiss, whose kiss? Obviously not Duo's. And Hitoshi was only her friend. Treize's kiss? It was a blade scoring the surface of my heart. My sister likes Treize too! Damn him for being charming. How can it be I am jealous of my own sister?
Jealous? I can't be jealous. To be jealous is madness, is the proof you believe that you own part of him. And I don't. Never would, in fact.
"Stay away from the mistletoe, please, if only for my dignity," Hitoshi pleads. Releena shakes her head, giggling, and I wonder if she was drunk from drinking from Duo's flask or something else.
"Oh, all right, because you're so sweet to me...can't help it, after all, you said you-liked--me," She stress each word, then giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. Now I'm pretty sure she was tipsy. Hitoshi was blushing, but he led her away from the spectators to get her sober and give her some eggnog.
"What was it between your sister and Hitoshi again?" Angel asked, teasing. I shrugged. "She's a lucky girl, if he cared enough to get her sober. If he was a jerk he would have let her make a fool of herself."
"I guess some people are lucky. I really don't know, I haven't got to experience anything near what they have." I look up and glanced at where Treize was, about to look at him straight in the eye, daring him to contradict me, to state that we and Noin were like that. But he was gone, taking his place under the mistletoe with Une on his arm. There was a wolf- whistle from Duo, who was only stopped by Heero when he also pushed the American to the kitchen.
"Hey, I wanna watch!" Duo protests.
"You've been doing too much already," Heero replies, passing near Quatre and Trowa with an "excuse us". The rest had been behind us, enjoying the spectacle, I guess. Sally turns on the radio, and a Christmas carol fills the air, as Treize bows and leads Une off to a dance.
Damn but they make a handsome couple. They were the Khushrenadas thirty years before, I guess. The woman was slim, cultured, handsome, the man tall, cultured, and handsome. Who was I to even try to break up such a perfect partnership? I was just a male friend, I couldn't even call myself as Treize's best friend, because I wasn't. I'd probably be the one invited to become the best man if they ever got married. And it hurts thinking about it.
Would I ever stop hurting?
Treize's whispering into Une's ear, saying something that made her laugh, and then the other guys are dancing with the girls, Sally with Wu fei, Cathrine with Trowa, and Angel with Quatre. I was the only one left standing with no partner, but I was definitely not in the mood to dance.
I never realized how intimate dancing is. So near, touching the girl's waist, yet so restricted by it too. You have to hold it to a proper angle so you wouldn't look like you're overstepping your boundary. The girl, hand on shoulder, being supported by you as if she needs you to live. Two people, moving to the music, creating rhythm of their own. One following, one leading, one unit, yet two people, distinct, separate, together, touching, holding, looking into each other's eyes, thinking how lucky he or she was to have found someone so in tune with them that they don't step on each other's feet. In a world of their own, detached from the environment, from other couples dancing, also in their own separate worlds.
I'd better go away, so as not to disturb them. I feel so much an outsider, the only one watching.
The music ends, and they all step apart, smiling at their dancing partner, except for Treize and Une. They were still in dancing position, looking into each other's eyes. And then Treize bent down to kiss her.
Too much hurt, I can't pretend I'm not hurt. I turn away, to my sanctuary. It was my purgatorio amidst the inferno my emotions are going through.
I just sit there, hurting.
Of course, no one passed by, knowing I didn't want to be disturbed. It would have been embarrassing too, since I've been crying. Tears had come out of my eyes without me realizing it, and I don't know what else to do anymore. I guess with Treize here I'd better hide out, or find a way to go back to the city before Christmas Eve. To return to Sanque.
Leave? When Treize was here? Yes, I have to leave. Treize obviously, so obviously liked Une, and I can't do anything about it. Not as if I could step in and try to get Treize to admit he has feelings for me. There are Une's feelings to think of. And his feelings are so obvious, it hurt.
I brush the tears aside. No matter how it hurt, I won't say anything. It's not right. It's not my position to say anything. I can only love him, that is all, from afar.
"Milliard?" Angel, obviously not knowing the tacit agreement, looks out from the door. "What are you doing there alone? I thought you were inside, but then after the dancing I couldn't find you. What's wrong?'
"As I said, I had to go back to my translations." I indicate the side table. Thank God for my habit of keeping the books there for show. She sits on the lounge chair beside me, eyes serious. "Shouldn't you be inside?"
"Why is it you want to hurt alone?" she asks abruptly.
"Hurt? Alone?" I laugh bitterly. "I don't hurt. You must be imagining stuff. I just--the translations are proceeding so sluggishly."
"Didn't my brother tell you I'm psychic as well? Your aura is so low, I can barely register it. You can tell me stuff. I know how to keep a secret. Scout's honor and all that, though I've never been a scout."
"It's nothing, really. Just that I need some time to think. And yes, alone."
"Talking to yourself doesn't help. That's why we're here. Friends are supposed to listen to each other's problems. That's part of the package." She smiles. "Is it monetary, emotional or something else?"
"It's really nothing, Angel. Don't bother to worry about me. It'll pass."
"Hah! If this is your way of coping with problems, you'd turn out to be a depressed person. Come on, speak out. Your problem won't bite me, I assure you."
"Geez, Angel, don't you let your brother keep his secrets from you?"
"No. We have no secrets between us. It's a fact of life." She looks at me seriously. "It's our way, since we didn't have much time. You can't try to keep in touch for long with my brother then. Now we do, but still we don't keep anything from each other."
"Then I guess Releena and I'd better talk to each other privately." I try to make a joke out of it. "Don't worry, Angel, I'll live with my problem."
"Talking to yourself is not the way to solve problems. You're too involved to even think of solving it. You have friends out there, friends who care enough for you, who'd listen to you if you gave them half a chance, and offer advice. Isn't that part of being a friend? What's the use of having friends if you don't share everything with them? I'm sure they've told you about their problems, why don't you tell than about yours? Treize, for example--"
"Treize is not a person I want to tell this particular problem, I assure you," I cut in. She's silent for a moment.
"Treize cares for you a lot, Milliard. I know, because he told me so himself. He cares deeply for the people in his past, and that is why he's so glad he met up with you all. Even with Wu fei."
"He doesn't mind having the person who tried to kill him around?"
"Though Wu fei failed to kill him it's only because Treize is extremely lucky, or shall we say extremely fortunate in making friends easily." Angel touches my arm. "You too are extremely fortunate, and if you are friends with Treize, you should tell him if it involves him."
"Heaven forbid I tell him." I turn away. "You don't know anything about this problem I have, Angel. It's--it's too deep to even bear thinking of telling Treize."
"It must be emotional then. What? Do you like someone, hate someone? Do you want me to hire an Inquisitor to get the truth out of you?"
"No, Angel, you don't, because even if you did, I wouldn't tell you. I'd rather die than tell you."
"Stubborn Milliard. Now I see why my brother was exasperated with you over the restaurant bill yesterday."
"He told you?"
"Of course. I tell you, we have no secrets between us, and his face kind of reflected his feeling when you both came back." She leans back complacently. "It didn't take me long to get the truth out of him."
"He does get annoyed with me as of late."
"If anyone cared about a person, yes, they would get annoyed with that person when the person they cared about wouldn't tell them what was wrong."
The door opens, and now it's Treize who looks out. He spots Angel sitting in the other chaise. "Angel, we're going to meet mom and dad in town remember? We'd better head out. Oh, Milliard, why don't you come in, it's getting too cold for you if you stay out there."
"No, don't worry. This time I came prepared." I indicate the thick woolen sweater I was wearing with my blue cardigan. "Nice talking to you, Angel."
"Give me five more minutes, Treize."
"I already gave you more than enough. Come on, mom will be worried."
"Next time I'll find out what's bothering you," she tells me, standing up. "I don't want any of my friends staying in the cold when he could be warm and in the company of friends inside. There's something wrong, and I have to get to the bottom of it."
"Hah, you can't survive my sister when she gets to this mood. You'd better tell up, and fast. I'm curious too. Good-bye, Milliard."
"See you next time."
"Oh, and we'll be here Christmas. Quatre insisted." And then they were gone.
I'd better find an excuse to leave, and fast.
"Milliard," Une calls me from my balcony when the rest were out with Releena on the slopes a few days after. She was a very beautiful woman, and I would understand if Treize liked her. She also had a charismatic presence, used by Oz to full advantage in the war. She was dressed in thick corduroy pants and a dark sweater of cashmere. She was smiling at me. "I wanted to talk to you about Treize."
Why not? I thought. Might as well get anything I have in my system. I indicate the other lounge chair, and she sat there. She seems to compose her thoughts, and then she spoke.
"Treize is flirting with Releena."
"What?" Of all the things I've heard this is the strangest. I didn't expect her to comment on that. I know Treize had been friendly with Releena over the past few days, but it can't be termed flirting, right? What about Hitoshi? I thought they were a pair myself. What was Hitoshi's reaction to this?
"Yes, and I am worried about Hitoshi. He's--well, he's jealous. He watches your sister constantly, drops hints of men sweeping girls off their feet, and is always rude to Treize. You don't know, because you've been caught up with your translations, but that's the plain and simple truth. Lucrezia tried to talk to Releena, but she just waved her off and said she knew what she was doing. But still, we are worried, because Hitoshi's suddenly turning to a taciturn person. Quatre tried to talk to Hitoshi, but almost got into a fight with the guy. Frankly, I haven't seen anyone who can so obviously be in love with another being snubbed so badly and still taking it."
"What's Treize's reaction to this? I guess you've tried to talk to him too."
"Well, you know Treize. He just laughed it off. He said he was flattered, but it's not as bad as we thought. Though Hitoshi must be planning bloody murder for him."
"And he didn't listen to you? I'd have thought--"
"You thought wrong, Milliard." She smiles at me. "I've given up on Treize."
"Wh--what?"
"He's in love with someone else. That's why I am worried it might be Releena. Because then Hitoshi and Treize--well, with Hitoshi in such a bad state, do you think he'll stand a chance if Treize turned his charms on your sister?"
She'd given up on Treize, just like that? What had happened between them? Did they have some sort of talk that hurt her? What did Treize tell her?
"How'd you know he loves someone else? It could be some mistake, a misinterpretation on your part."
"He told me, Milliard. No, don't worry, I guess it's just the shock of seeing him again that made me all giddy before, but I have a fiancé, and even though you're the first to know among us, he's been sweet and understanding to me, and all the hero-worship I had for Treize disappeared when I'm around him. He's in the diplomatic corps, and he's coming over this Christmas for me to introduce him to you. That's why I am worried. If Treize really loved someone, it will be with no inhibitions, with all his charms put on for the person to love him too. You know he has a charisma that makes people follow him, revered him as a great leader. That's why I want you to talk to your sister, or maybe Hitoshi, to try to figure out what's going on."
"I'll talk to Hitoshi when he comes back. We'll go pick a tree or something. And Releena, well, Releena's going to hear an earful from me."
"Thank you Milliard. It is sweet for you to care so much. Just like my Conrad." She stands up. "Don't tell anyone I told you. It's not the sort of thing people care about--to know they are being spoken about behind their backs."
She steps inside the cabin, leaving me to think.
Treize--in love?
With whom?
Someone outside our group? A girl he met in the Space Colonies? A nurse who helped him recover, a business associate whom he took out for lunch dates? I don't know, but I guess this person is very, very lucky to have him so devoted to her, he'd have told Une about it.
And I wonder if I'll meet this fortunate girl...
Life without love: Chapter 3
A Gundam Wing Fan fiction
============================
DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
Without warning Treize and Angel descended upon us the next morning. They must have wheedled the address from Releena, or something. I was getting a cup of coffee, when they descended on us like birds, carrying skis and other paraphernalia, including a toboggan for sliding down the slopes in their car. I knew it. They were going to join the fun, probably at Treize's instigation. I should have guessed from Treize's references on going down to the cabin to see everyone. I decide that it would be best to avoid him for now.
Avoid him? Yes. If I avoided him maybe the hurt I'm feeling will lessen. The hurt because I know he can never be mine, but I will always want him. Want him selfishly, unbefitting of me, of our old friendship. I'd be better off crying about what could never be had than try getting it. That would let me keep my dignity at least.
"Hey, people in the cabin! Everyone, pack up cause we're all heading for the slopes! Girls, guys, come on!" I hear greetings shouted from windows and people coming out of the front door. "Where is that Milliard hiding out?" Someone--Treize--shouts from the stairs, and I try to do the best of my escape. I'd better head off to where they won't expect to see me and while they are engrossed in greeting and introducing each other. Thinking that way I step out of the kitchen to the snow. The cabin was on the side of the mountain, and though the front was supported by posts from the ground, the back, where the kitchen was, was flush to the slope of the mountain. I stand there in the cold, wearing a thick sweater, and corduroy slacks.
Cold, almost too cold. I am glad I had a mug of hot coffee in my hands. I hear them all preparing to go off to the slopes, dressing warmly, getting boots and skis, trying to figure out where I hid. They all give outrageous reasons as to where I had gone, but when they couldn't find me in the balcony they must have been baffled as to where I've went. I don't dare to look in, because someone may be looking out at the kitchen door when I look in. The snow falls on my head from the roof, while snow is also melting on my foot, and my shoes are getting wet. I don't want to have this pair ruined while in hiding, but what the heck. If only to avoid Treize.
I could imagine what was happening inside as if I was with them. Trowa would be helping Quatre into a parka, giving the blonde boy a special smile whose meaning is known only between them. Duo would be frantically looking for his ski poles, with Heero shaking his head slightly as he held them up. Lucrezia would be trying to contact the hotel to ask if the slopes were okay, and finding out it was, hurry to dress. Sally would be trying to organize everyone and finding out who missed anything. Wu fei tried to hide, not wanting a day skiing, but Angel caught him red-handed, and persuaded him to go with him. I distinctly heard Chinese curses in the air. Releena was explaining the rudiments of skiing to an inexperienced Hitoshi, while Duo looked for a flask of brandy to warm him in the slopes. Une was hardly saying a word, but so was Treize, so I guess they were having a private conference where they could not be heard.
All these I hear and imagine, as I sip coffee in the cold outside, feeling the powdery snow resting on my hair and shoulders. I know it all as if I was an observer, and that is all I am after all, an outside observer. This standing out here in the cold while they bustled about brought the fact home. I am unnecessary for them to be happy, and more often than not, I felt like an intruder. An outsider who could not worship the one I cared about. All because of knowing the one I loved deserved better, someone who had also loved and waited patiently all these years.
I guess a lot of people sacrificed themselves for even less.
Une was willing to die for Treize, during the war. I guess even now she would be willing to die for Treize's cause. But that was going to be a life wasted, because she was more important alive than dead. After all, the dead in their cold graves cannot comfort people in need. And no one can bring back the dead to the land of the living. Treize was going to live even if Une died then, he can find another person with as much loyalty to him in this world, so what was the use of dying for him? Only if one could have no hope of living with love must one wither in the cold.
But love for one person, romantic love, is not the only love one can have. There was love for family, friends, people one knew...why wither when so many people love and care for you? If romantic love was not for one, then there are other people to cherish and care about. They would need one more alive than a dead corpse.
At last all the sounds dispersed, and the door slams with finality after them. I hear the pickup and another vehicle start for the slopes. They have left me at last. I take a sigh of relief and release my numb hand from holding the now empty mug. I go to open the kitchen door so as to warm myself.
It swings towards the cabin, opening from inside the kitchen, and I see a large, well-shaped hand holding the handle. I stare at the buffed nails, well-kept. I know who owned those hands, even without seeing him.
Treize smiles as he saw the shock written on my face. "I told them I'll wait for you to tell you where they went," he replied to my unspoken question.
"Thanks. I kind of guessed from what I've heard where they're going. They're heading out to the slopes." I step in and replenish my mug from the coffee machine. My hands are trembling, an automatic reaction as I felt the warmth seep through me. Gods, I must have stood there longer than I thought. It's hard trying to make Treize not see it.
"Where else? Angel found out where you were staying through Releena, while we were in the smoking room, and thought to have a little skiing in. Won't you come with us?" Treize leans against the countertop, sleek in thick black corded pants and a gray sweater.
"No, I'd rather not. Someone ought to keep house. And I have plans."
"No, it's not necessary for you to stay here. The hotel staff can watch it for you. Wait--" He sees the mug shake in my hand. He takes it away from me and takes my hands, feeling their coldness, rubbing it to put some warmth through it. "I should have known you would be standing in the cold with nothing to warm you. You'll catch a cold. Foolish Milliard. It'll take something more than coffee to warm you." He makes me sit down on a kitchen stool and pours a helping of brandy into the brewed coffee in my mug. "Drink, it'll warm you."
"Thanks again." I sip it. It was fiery in my throat, and I cough a bit. It was too much too soon. Treize left me and comes back holding a quilt he found that was probably left on the sofa, and draped it around me. "You'd better go out to follow them. It's a nice day for skiing. I should know, after spending time outside." I grin weakly, as I could feel the kitchen's warmth drying me.
"Also a nice day to catch a cold. Of all the damn fool things to do." Treize sat across the counter from me, and stares at me intently. I feel uncomfortable, knowing my hair was plastered all over my face by the melting snow, and that my cold hands are being warmed by the coffee mug. He seems to realize he was staring, and looks away, uncomfortable for a fleeting second. I clear my throat to talk.
"Where is Une? I thought she'd be here..." `--because you're here,' I add the words in my mind. After yesterday, I would have thought she'd be eager to see him.
"She went with the others to ski," he replies abruptly. Then just as abruptly he changes the subject. "I never realize how pale you are before. Or maybe it's because of your exposure outside? No matter, you still look like a ghost! Haven't been taking care of yourself, huh?"
"I guess it's because of the cold. But don't worry about me. I can manage here alone. I often stay in the house, anyway. Go follow the others." I drink some more of the coffee, and the brandy was making me feel relaxed and warm.
"If I didn't know better..." He leans forward, deep blue eyes serious as they look into mine. A hand covers mine on the countertop. I feel rather than see the rush of blood to my cheeks, and pray he wouldn't notice I was flushing. I try to look at him straight in the eye, to belie anything he would say. Those darling blue eyes, so full of emotions I don't even want to try to read, afraid I'd only make a mistake in hoping for what I couldn't have.
"If you didn't know better what?"
The hand tightens, and then let mine go. I feel a pang of disappointment. He leans back on the chair, his face impassive. Even when he was remote he looked good. Lucky devil.
"I'd say that you were afraid to be left alone with me."
I face him with as much false bravura as I could muster. "Afraid to be left alone with you? Why should I? It's not as if you're going to kis--kill me or anything..."
"That's my point. So why are you avoiding me?"
"Avoiding you?"
"Yeah. I saw you sneak out when we came in. Don't tell me you didn't see us. And don't tell me you snuck out because you didn't want to ski..."
"Well, what if that was true? I didn't want to ski, it's not my sport. And I'm working on translations of the Divine Comedy while they're out. From the original Italian. I'm in Purgatorio already."
"Oh, is that so?" He deliberately pretends to misunderstand. The urge to strangle him came, but passed quickly. I find it hard to be angry with him for long. "Anyway, I'm going to find you in the slopes skiing within an hour, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. After you thaw, that is."
"Treize!"
"You will not resist. I'll take you skiing, and if I want to, I'll get it." He shrugs. "It always happens. You'd better accept you're going skiing."
"No, I will not. Even if you drag me and tie me to the skis and push me off the slope."
"Milliard Peacecraft, why did you go to a winter skiing resort if you're not going to ski?" He sounds exasperated with me already, and I was secretly glad I could still annoy him to his wits' end. It gave me an edge he could never stop being huffy about when I'm being stubborn against him.
"So I can be reached by my office only by cell phone and I'll tell them I can't go back because an avalanche blocked the road." I smile. "After all, one can escape from a lot of things in a winter resort."
"Even from the past?"
I look at him. He was serious, no sign of emotion on his face. We just stare at each other for a long time, knowing he spoke the truth, but not wanting to say anything about it. Then I look away.
He was suddenly angry, and I don't know whether he was angry at me or at himself, but he was. The air was thick with suppressed emotions. When I look at his deep blue eyes I see anger--and hurt. Was he hurt because I didn't want to be with him? He stands up, picking his jacket, which he had left on the table. "Here, I'll take you up, or wherever you want to rest. I'll just say you were in no shape to go out, after being an imitable fool and hiding out from me."
"I'll be fine. Go ahead, I say. I'll just go up to my room."
"No, I insist. Come on, it's not as if I'm going to eat you. And I am to blame for getting you out on this cold day." He moves to my side, wrapping the quilt around me securely before forcing me to stand up and go with him up to my room. We walk to the hall and climb the stairs. "Which one's yours, anyway?" he asks, bewildered as he looks at the row of identical doors before him.
"This one," I reply, opening the room two doors to my left. It was neat, impersonal. There was my ubiquitous stack of books on the desk, a pair of loafers tossed to one corner, my bed made up with those nice comfy blue quilts found in all the cabins. Treize stands there, useless, but immediately filling the room with his being. I am suddenly afraid to look at him, knowing it's because we are standing in my room, so near a bed, making me feel that we were intimate together...and not necessarily in the sensual sense. One can be intimate without having sex.
"Damn, Milliard, you don't want to leave your mark anywhere, it seems." He goes to the closet, without so much as a by your leave, and starts to take out clothes. "Change, get out of those wet things."
Change? How did he propose for me to change? In front of him? That I should actually strip before him? The thought intensifies my blush. He doesn't seem to notice. Or else he's a good actor. "I'll get you some coffee." He closes the door behind him, giving me enough privacy to change.
When he came back, I was in slacks and a cardigan, drying. My hair is unbraided, and I am combing it. He set down the mug on my bedside table. "Hah, I found your eggnog stash."
"Thanks again. I seem to be thanking you the whole day. Where are your parents by the way?"
"They wanted some time alone. Having two hyperactive kids tired them out yesterday, so they sent us out to find people with enough energy to keep up with us. I didn't tell you that my sister Angel is an ecologist, as well as surfer, skier, and even a bungee jumping champ, right? She'd wear me out soon, and I guess if she'd marry she'd drive her husband nuts with all her activities, leaving her with no time for him."
I smile. "Releena and I are much the same, I'm afraid. I sometimes worry Hitoshi can't keep up with Releena, with all her activities and exposure in the media, but I need not have worried. Hitoshi knows that even though Releena's always so busy, she makes time to see him and me."
"What's with Hitoshi and your sister, anyway? Releena's younger than my sister. And she already has a boyfriend! I'd better tell Angel to get one of her own."
"Oh, no, they're just best friends, so far as Releena tells me. Though sometimes I also wonder if they're actually more than friends." Treize took a seat by my desk, as I sat on the bed, drinking eggnog. He took a sip from his mug too.
"Seems like you've all kept in touch over the years."
"Well, Quatre and Duo seem to think it's a good thing to get together once in a while and find out what events has happened to us. It just so happens that Christmas is a big holiday, and we find ourselves free."
"Can we spend Christmas with you all? I thought you wouldn't mind four extra people sharing the pudding and eggnog. My mom misses a lot of her friends, now that they're scattered all over the world, and I thought she'd feel great if she's among some lively people for Christmas."
"It's okay with me, but you'd better ask the others. I'm sure Une would like to meet them."
"Une knows them already. And why do you keep on mentioning Une anyway?" He sounds irritated, and I look at him, curious what made him so angry. It was my way to remind myself he was for Une, but I guess he's irritated since he does not know why I am doing this.
"It's just that--you and Une--I mean, aren't you glad Une's here?"
"I am."
"Oh."
Silence. Oh, glacial, frozen silence, stopping us from saying things we wanted to talk about, hurtful, hurtful words, maybe, or maybe soothing kindness. It was the first time I've felt this cold anger from him, and I don't know what to do, whether I'd be hurt if I say anything to him or not.
"I'll join the others on the slopes," he told me, tone and eyes icy. I could only watch him go...
It's so sad when one thinks of lost chances, of the past, of the past revisiting in such an unexpected shape. And in the few hours they were out I thought of it a great deal.
Damn him for making me think there was something more to his caring about me. And damn myself for being so hopeful about his words. He only wanted to be my friend again, that was all. After all, what else is there for us? Nothing else, right? I mean, who'd want to be more? It's not as if we were really into anything deep.
We're in a world where people are so caught up, they forget what it is like to live, as in live live. The days pass by like an endless stream of work, until one is burned up, thrown out, retired because of overwork. Stressed out as I am, I don't know if I could face this sort of life anew. It's so good to rest, to have days of idleness filled with activities you so long to do. I have been so caught up with events in Sanque sometimes I feel like turning off my phone and locking myself up in my room when I wake up to a new day. I need time to catch up with myself, knowing that if I keep up my pace I'd end up in the end to be so listless and without energy.
And sometimes, when I get a chance to stay still and see the swirl of bustling people around me, I feel like an ant amidst the big colony, just one among thousands and thousands moving around and around, trying to make sense of the world without pausing to look at it. What were going on in their heads? What are they thinking about? Or are they so bothered by little work problems they've forgotten to think at all?
I'm bothered by thoughts like these as of late, and I don't want to talk to them about it. It appeared to me that all the romance of living had disappeared, we've been into material things, not feeling at all. Even dating seems to be a chore, when it shouldn't. I know that, but still I think that most of the women I've gone out are thinking too much of "I" rather than "us". That's why I end up in this limbo of being a sought after bachelor, but not wanting to settle down.
But Treize, he was a completely different matter.
What would I do if he told me he wanted me? The way I wanted to be wanted, with no inhibitions, with laughter and no regrets, and even though the relationship may turn serious, it'll be so full of joy, I won't regret the serious moments, even if we get caught up with arguing. For as Wu fei said, the making up was fun.
The sounds of engines coming near. I put out the eggnog and cookies I found in the kitchen, as well as having coffee and hot chocolate ready. The marshmallows are out too. It feels soothing to work alone, to have no one tell you you have another appointment in ten minutes or so. I try one of the cookies. Hm, gingerbread. Sally and the girls must have baked them in case of snack times after hitting the slopes. There were Santas and Christmas trees and stars decorated with icing. They must have spent hours making these cookies.
"We're back, if you're here, brother!" Releena shouts to the balcony. I step out, waving.
"How was it? I have snacks all set up." I shout back as the others started getting out of the two parked pickups. The doors slam, and I hear them coming up the stairs.
"You should have been there! Skiing was wonderful," Lucrezia tells me, as she made herself some hot chocolate. "And Angel handled the steepest slope in the whole resort like a dream. She even dared Wu fei down the whole thing, and he somehow managed to."
"Yeah, clinging to his ski poles for dear life, hahahaha--" Duo snickers, giggling. Wu fei turns to the American with a snarl. Heero steps between them before the Chinese pilot could even reach the American.
"At least I tried, but no, you were drinking out there too much to even try skiing."
"Hey, hey! I was feelin' cold outta there, that's the only reasshon why I was drinkin'..." he hiccups. Heero rolls his eyes and gets Duo some brewed coffee, forcing him to drink it. Duo grimaces at the strong taste, but does as he was bid.
"Where are Trowa and the others?"
"Coming. Quatre said he was going to pick something up, and Trowa went with him. Releena went up to get a sweater, and so did Hitoshi," Sally replies as she was taking off her parka. Angel follows in, and Treize enters last, arm in arm with Une. I turn away, pretending to get some more eggnog. It won't hurt, it won't hurt, I think to myself.
Though inside my heart was breaking.
"Cookies? Wonderful! I'm famished." Une smoothens her windswept hair, and it made me wonder if Treize had been running his hands through those long brown locks. Damn I'm getting jealous without reason again.
"Milliard as a domestic. What an--unusual sight." Treize was his old urbane self, totally different from the caring yet probing observer a few hours before. I don't know if I like him better this way, but at least I'm not worried he'll try to find out my motives for the things I am doing. "I'll have some eggnog, if there's any left."
"There is. Lucrezia, would you care to pour?" I motion to the eggnog. "I really should go back to my translations. I've been slackening on them, and I'm rather guilty about it."
"Oh, okay. I would like to read them when you're through."
"Yes, of course," I reply, trying to walk out of the scene before anyone else descends on me to stop me. I should have known I'd have no luck, for as I am about to step out Quatre runs in, boyish and happy, slightly flushed. I wonder if he was tipsy too from drinking from Duo's flask, but then I notice something unusual. His lips were slightly puffy, redder than I've ever seen them. Maybe Trowa and he were busy doing something rather than getting it...
"We found a good diversion for all of us! Come into the living room!" he tells us, breathing hard. When he looks up at me he turns redder, as if knowing I knew what had happened there.
"Let's see what Quatre got all excited about." Sally leaves the room, pulling on Duo's arm. "Oh, what a surprise!"
A branch of mistletoe was hanging from the center of the room, the berries shiny. I turn quickly away, but Treize caught my arm, stopping my escape. "I'd better go back--"
"It's just a little parlor fun, Milliard. No one will get hurt because of little kisses."
His eyes are somber. I couldn't move. This is my chance, I think to myself. Under the mistletoe, I could--might--get the chance to kiss him. Yes, kiss him, feel him near me...in front of all my friends. Dammit! Why is it that I keep on wanting to do something to him that I know I can't? Part of me said, I can't, another said I won't. Why is it I can't just out myself and show that I love him? It's that simple. I love him.
He was reading my eyes, seemingly confused with what he saw. Then he smiles. It was the sort of smile of someone who just remembered a way to convince someone to do as he wished. "I'm sure Lucrezia would want to get a kiss under the mistletoe, you know."
It hurt. I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Did he think I still liked Lucrezia, that our relationship is that that are "more than friends"? Didn't that mean I have no chance at all for him? Who in his decent mind would believe someone who is "taken" likes him more than the girl who'd been there beside me all this time? He probably thought we became lovers over the three years we haven't been in contact. I turn away, excuse on my lips. "I wouldn't want to spoil your fun by playing a grouch, but I really have to go back to my translations."
"Aw, not now, Milliard! Your moldy translations can wait! It's going to be fun! Come on!" Releena steps forward, right under the center of the mistletoe wreath. Duo was the first to kiss her, a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek, saying something like "Hitoshi must be some dude for you to like him!" and then Treize follows, this time a kiss on her lips. I can't say I didn't want to strangle him, because he kissed my sister and not me. I wanted to kiss him, and there he was, blightly kissing my sister as if it was nothing at all. This is murder, slow painful death.
"So, has Hitoshi kissed you yet, little girl, or did I overstep the territory?" he teases, smiling.
Hitoshi steps forward, glaring at Duo for saying such a thing in front of everyone and getting the first kiss, and at Treize for taking a liberty on Releena in his sight. Heero drags Duo away before he could say anything worse. Hitoshi gives Releena a soft kiss on the lips, before twirling her away from the mistletoe. Releena giggles again, and then I notice the line of red over her nose. I couldn't place if it was from the drink or from the kisses. If it was the kiss, whose kiss? Obviously not Duo's. And Hitoshi was only her friend. Treize's kiss? It was a blade scoring the surface of my heart. My sister likes Treize too! Damn him for being charming. How can it be I am jealous of my own sister?
Jealous? I can't be jealous. To be jealous is madness, is the proof you believe that you own part of him. And I don't. Never would, in fact.
"Stay away from the mistletoe, please, if only for my dignity," Hitoshi pleads. Releena shakes her head, giggling, and I wonder if she was drunk from drinking from Duo's flask or something else.
"Oh, all right, because you're so sweet to me...can't help it, after all, you said you-liked--me," She stress each word, then giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. Now I'm pretty sure she was tipsy. Hitoshi was blushing, but he led her away from the spectators to get her sober and give her some eggnog.
"What was it between your sister and Hitoshi again?" Angel asked, teasing. I shrugged. "She's a lucky girl, if he cared enough to get her sober. If he was a jerk he would have let her make a fool of herself."
"I guess some people are lucky. I really don't know, I haven't got to experience anything near what they have." I look up and glanced at where Treize was, about to look at him straight in the eye, daring him to contradict me, to state that we and Noin were like that. But he was gone, taking his place under the mistletoe with Une on his arm. There was a wolf- whistle from Duo, who was only stopped by Heero when he also pushed the American to the kitchen.
"Hey, I wanna watch!" Duo protests.
"You've been doing too much already," Heero replies, passing near Quatre and Trowa with an "excuse us". The rest had been behind us, enjoying the spectacle, I guess. Sally turns on the radio, and a Christmas carol fills the air, as Treize bows and leads Une off to a dance.
Damn but they make a handsome couple. They were the Khushrenadas thirty years before, I guess. The woman was slim, cultured, handsome, the man tall, cultured, and handsome. Who was I to even try to break up such a perfect partnership? I was just a male friend, I couldn't even call myself as Treize's best friend, because I wasn't. I'd probably be the one invited to become the best man if they ever got married. And it hurts thinking about it.
Would I ever stop hurting?
Treize's whispering into Une's ear, saying something that made her laugh, and then the other guys are dancing with the girls, Sally with Wu fei, Cathrine with Trowa, and Angel with Quatre. I was the only one left standing with no partner, but I was definitely not in the mood to dance.
I never realized how intimate dancing is. So near, touching the girl's waist, yet so restricted by it too. You have to hold it to a proper angle so you wouldn't look like you're overstepping your boundary. The girl, hand on shoulder, being supported by you as if she needs you to live. Two people, moving to the music, creating rhythm of their own. One following, one leading, one unit, yet two people, distinct, separate, together, touching, holding, looking into each other's eyes, thinking how lucky he or she was to have found someone so in tune with them that they don't step on each other's feet. In a world of their own, detached from the environment, from other couples dancing, also in their own separate worlds.
I'd better go away, so as not to disturb them. I feel so much an outsider, the only one watching.
The music ends, and they all step apart, smiling at their dancing partner, except for Treize and Une. They were still in dancing position, looking into each other's eyes. And then Treize bent down to kiss her.
Too much hurt, I can't pretend I'm not hurt. I turn away, to my sanctuary. It was my purgatorio amidst the inferno my emotions are going through.
I just sit there, hurting.
Of course, no one passed by, knowing I didn't want to be disturbed. It would have been embarrassing too, since I've been crying. Tears had come out of my eyes without me realizing it, and I don't know what else to do anymore. I guess with Treize here I'd better hide out, or find a way to go back to the city before Christmas Eve. To return to Sanque.
Leave? When Treize was here? Yes, I have to leave. Treize obviously, so obviously liked Une, and I can't do anything about it. Not as if I could step in and try to get Treize to admit he has feelings for me. There are Une's feelings to think of. And his feelings are so obvious, it hurt.
I brush the tears aside. No matter how it hurt, I won't say anything. It's not right. It's not my position to say anything. I can only love him, that is all, from afar.
"Milliard?" Angel, obviously not knowing the tacit agreement, looks out from the door. "What are you doing there alone? I thought you were inside, but then after the dancing I couldn't find you. What's wrong?'
"As I said, I had to go back to my translations." I indicate the side table. Thank God for my habit of keeping the books there for show. She sits on the lounge chair beside me, eyes serious. "Shouldn't you be inside?"
"Why is it you want to hurt alone?" she asks abruptly.
"Hurt? Alone?" I laugh bitterly. "I don't hurt. You must be imagining stuff. I just--the translations are proceeding so sluggishly."
"Didn't my brother tell you I'm psychic as well? Your aura is so low, I can barely register it. You can tell me stuff. I know how to keep a secret. Scout's honor and all that, though I've never been a scout."
"It's nothing, really. Just that I need some time to think. And yes, alone."
"Talking to yourself doesn't help. That's why we're here. Friends are supposed to listen to each other's problems. That's part of the package." She smiles. "Is it monetary, emotional or something else?"
"It's really nothing, Angel. Don't bother to worry about me. It'll pass."
"Hah! If this is your way of coping with problems, you'd turn out to be a depressed person. Come on, speak out. Your problem won't bite me, I assure you."
"Geez, Angel, don't you let your brother keep his secrets from you?"
"No. We have no secrets between us. It's a fact of life." She looks at me seriously. "It's our way, since we didn't have much time. You can't try to keep in touch for long with my brother then. Now we do, but still we don't keep anything from each other."
"Then I guess Releena and I'd better talk to each other privately." I try to make a joke out of it. "Don't worry, Angel, I'll live with my problem."
"Talking to yourself is not the way to solve problems. You're too involved to even think of solving it. You have friends out there, friends who care enough for you, who'd listen to you if you gave them half a chance, and offer advice. Isn't that part of being a friend? What's the use of having friends if you don't share everything with them? I'm sure they've told you about their problems, why don't you tell than about yours? Treize, for example--"
"Treize is not a person I want to tell this particular problem, I assure you," I cut in. She's silent for a moment.
"Treize cares for you a lot, Milliard. I know, because he told me so himself. He cares deeply for the people in his past, and that is why he's so glad he met up with you all. Even with Wu fei."
"He doesn't mind having the person who tried to kill him around?"
"Though Wu fei failed to kill him it's only because Treize is extremely lucky, or shall we say extremely fortunate in making friends easily." Angel touches my arm. "You too are extremely fortunate, and if you are friends with Treize, you should tell him if it involves him."
"Heaven forbid I tell him." I turn away. "You don't know anything about this problem I have, Angel. It's--it's too deep to even bear thinking of telling Treize."
"It must be emotional then. What? Do you like someone, hate someone? Do you want me to hire an Inquisitor to get the truth out of you?"
"No, Angel, you don't, because even if you did, I wouldn't tell you. I'd rather die than tell you."
"Stubborn Milliard. Now I see why my brother was exasperated with you over the restaurant bill yesterday."
"He told you?"
"Of course. I tell you, we have no secrets between us, and his face kind of reflected his feeling when you both came back." She leans back complacently. "It didn't take me long to get the truth out of him."
"He does get annoyed with me as of late."
"If anyone cared about a person, yes, they would get annoyed with that person when the person they cared about wouldn't tell them what was wrong."
The door opens, and now it's Treize who looks out. He spots Angel sitting in the other chaise. "Angel, we're going to meet mom and dad in town remember? We'd better head out. Oh, Milliard, why don't you come in, it's getting too cold for you if you stay out there."
"No, don't worry. This time I came prepared." I indicate the thick woolen sweater I was wearing with my blue cardigan. "Nice talking to you, Angel."
"Give me five more minutes, Treize."
"I already gave you more than enough. Come on, mom will be worried."
"Next time I'll find out what's bothering you," she tells me, standing up. "I don't want any of my friends staying in the cold when he could be warm and in the company of friends inside. There's something wrong, and I have to get to the bottom of it."
"Hah, you can't survive my sister when she gets to this mood. You'd better tell up, and fast. I'm curious too. Good-bye, Milliard."
"See you next time."
"Oh, and we'll be here Christmas. Quatre insisted." And then they were gone.
I'd better find an excuse to leave, and fast.
"Milliard," Une calls me from my balcony when the rest were out with Releena on the slopes a few days after. She was a very beautiful woman, and I would understand if Treize liked her. She also had a charismatic presence, used by Oz to full advantage in the war. She was dressed in thick corduroy pants and a dark sweater of cashmere. She was smiling at me. "I wanted to talk to you about Treize."
Why not? I thought. Might as well get anything I have in my system. I indicate the other lounge chair, and she sat there. She seems to compose her thoughts, and then she spoke.
"Treize is flirting with Releena."
"What?" Of all the things I've heard this is the strangest. I didn't expect her to comment on that. I know Treize had been friendly with Releena over the past few days, but it can't be termed flirting, right? What about Hitoshi? I thought they were a pair myself. What was Hitoshi's reaction to this?
"Yes, and I am worried about Hitoshi. He's--well, he's jealous. He watches your sister constantly, drops hints of men sweeping girls off their feet, and is always rude to Treize. You don't know, because you've been caught up with your translations, but that's the plain and simple truth. Lucrezia tried to talk to Releena, but she just waved her off and said she knew what she was doing. But still, we are worried, because Hitoshi's suddenly turning to a taciturn person. Quatre tried to talk to Hitoshi, but almost got into a fight with the guy. Frankly, I haven't seen anyone who can so obviously be in love with another being snubbed so badly and still taking it."
"What's Treize's reaction to this? I guess you've tried to talk to him too."
"Well, you know Treize. He just laughed it off. He said he was flattered, but it's not as bad as we thought. Though Hitoshi must be planning bloody murder for him."
"And he didn't listen to you? I'd have thought--"
"You thought wrong, Milliard." She smiles at me. "I've given up on Treize."
"Wh--what?"
"He's in love with someone else. That's why I am worried it might be Releena. Because then Hitoshi and Treize--well, with Hitoshi in such a bad state, do you think he'll stand a chance if Treize turned his charms on your sister?"
She'd given up on Treize, just like that? What had happened between them? Did they have some sort of talk that hurt her? What did Treize tell her?
"How'd you know he loves someone else? It could be some mistake, a misinterpretation on your part."
"He told me, Milliard. No, don't worry, I guess it's just the shock of seeing him again that made me all giddy before, but I have a fiancé, and even though you're the first to know among us, he's been sweet and understanding to me, and all the hero-worship I had for Treize disappeared when I'm around him. He's in the diplomatic corps, and he's coming over this Christmas for me to introduce him to you. That's why I am worried. If Treize really loved someone, it will be with no inhibitions, with all his charms put on for the person to love him too. You know he has a charisma that makes people follow him, revered him as a great leader. That's why I want you to talk to your sister, or maybe Hitoshi, to try to figure out what's going on."
"I'll talk to Hitoshi when he comes back. We'll go pick a tree or something. And Releena, well, Releena's going to hear an earful from me."
"Thank you Milliard. It is sweet for you to care so much. Just like my Conrad." She stands up. "Don't tell anyone I told you. It's not the sort of thing people care about--to know they are being spoken about behind their backs."
She steps inside the cabin, leaving me to think.
Treize--in love?
With whom?
Someone outside our group? A girl he met in the Space Colonies? A nurse who helped him recover, a business associate whom he took out for lunch dates? I don't know, but I guess this person is very, very lucky to have him so devoted to her, he'd have told Une about it.
And I wonder if I'll meet this fortunate girl...
