AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I did indeed forget a disclaimer for the politicians used in this fic in Chapter 7, so here it is now:
Go ahead. Sue me. I'll be in Guatemala before you can say "Robert Shapiro."
Anyway, here be Chapter 8, the final chapter. (Bum-bum-BUM!) Things are going to get a little
confusing here, so bear with me . . . Oh, and by the way, Dana R. Luder, I do refer to the movie
for this fic. Quite frequently, as I'm not as familiar with it as I am with "Star Trek: First
Contact." (I used to know all the Borg Queen's lines by heart . . .) Once again, a special thanx to
the nice people who give me nice reviews, despite the fact that Doggett is late in delivering their
bribes.
(DOGGETT: U.S. Postal Service!!!)
Happy Reading!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!
*
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?
KRYCEK: Two words.
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.
*
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we
should do whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .
*
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the door.
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!
*
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?
(Everyone is silent.)
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!
*
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called
them Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy,
and you're supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the
slippers, I guess I have to let you all in.
*
EVERYONE:
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
*
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick
Robert . . .
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick,
not Patrick Robert.
*
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . I'm sorry, everyone, but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas
for the Storm Cellar scenes.
*
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .
*
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?
*
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.
*
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!
*
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a
moment:) And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!
*
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 8 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Oval Office with DUBYA and the X-Files characters. DUBYA is trying to figure the whole situation out:)
DUBYA: Okay, okay, this is some kind of joke to get my mind off of the doom and gloom stuff,
right? I know that you all are David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick Robert
. . .
DOGGETT (glaring at DUBYA): It's *Robert Patrick.*
DUBYA: . . . Uh, Robert Patrick. Who put you guys up to this? Was it Laura?
MULDER: We're not the actors; we're the X-Files characters.
SKINNER: The First Lady has nothing to do with this.
SCULLY: And this isn't a joke.
DUBYA: Oh. Well, then . . . Since you're all here . . . (muttering:) . . . and the Secret Service
isn't . . . (normally again:) . . . I might as well hear what you have to say.
SCULLY: Oh, thank you! You see, like we said before, I got lost somewhere over the rainbow,
and then I met the Scarecrow . . .
MULDER: That's me.
SCULLY: . . . And then the Tin Man . . .
DOGGETT: That's me.
SCULLY: . . . And then I met the Cowardly Lion.
SKINNER: That's me.
SCULLY: And we all really want something, so Reyes uh, Glinda told us all to come here and
complain about our problems to you. She said that if we do that, you'll give us what we want.
DUBYA (not pleased): Did she?
SCULLY: And so, I really want to go home to see Aunt Em and Uncle Henry again.
MULDER: And I want a brain so my actor won't abandon me.
DOGGETT: And I want a new axe so I can feel a little more macho.
SKINNER: And I want mind-altering medication so I can finally have the courage to stand-up to
people who treat me like a doormat.
DUBYA (not entirely sure of how he ought to handle a group of X-Files characters pretending to
be Wizard of Oz characters): Uh-huh . . . Okay . . .
(Suddenly, the three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS dragging a struggling Dick CHENEY by the
collar come into the Oval Office:)
DUBYA: It's about time you people got here . . .
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: Never fear, Mr. President!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: We managed to drag Dick Cheney over here!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: *He'll* be able to protect you!
CHENEY (to the agents, who are still holding him by the collar): Uh . . . You can let go of me,
now.
DUBYA (overjoyed): Dick! I'm so glad you're here! These freaks think they're X-Files
characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters.
CHENEY: Sorry, George, but I can't help you. You know that there's only one person in this
room who has limited author powers, and it isn't me.
(DOGGETT shoots a proud look to MULDER. MULDER glowers back at him.)
DUBYA (confused): *What* powers?
CHENEY: Author powers.
DUBYA: Is that one of those legal mumbo-jumbo words?
CHENEY: No . . . You mean Capt. Janeway never told you?
DUBYA: Capt. Janeway . . . Isn't that a Star Trek character?
CHENEY: No. Worse. (calling:) Capt. Janeway!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY walks on-camera.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: You called, Mr. Vice President?
CHENEY: You forgot to tell the President about this . . . fanfiction.
CAPT. JANEWAY (suddenly remembering): Aw, shoot! I knew I forgot to tell someone . . .
MULDER: Sure, it wasn't anybody important. Just the President of the United States of
America, that's all.
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): Come on off-camera, and I'll explain it all to you.
(CAPT. JANEWAY leads DUBYA and CHENEY off-camera, leaving the other characters
behind.)
MULDER: Well, this is just great. This whole scene was about the President! What are we
supposed to do without him?!
SCULLY: And without Capt. Janeway and Dick Cheney!!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: We're doomed!
(The X-Files characters give the SECRET SERVICE AGENTS an odd look.)
SKINNER: Aren't you supposed to be protecting us?
(The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS glare at SKINNER.)
(Cut to: Off-camera, with DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY. We see four
STAGEHANDS fanning the trio with palm leaves as they talk:)
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . So, you see, Mr. President, I'm in a bit of a pickle here with this fanfic. I
just don't know what to do.
DUBYA: What do you mean?
CAPT. JANEWAY: I mean, I know the X-Files characters are getting on your nerves, and I also
know that this fic is taking way too long to end. But, I can't just whisk them away and say
"That's The End," either. That would be lame.
DUBYA: Why would it be lame?
CAPT. JANEWAY: You're kidding, right? After building-up all this suspense, I can't just throw
it all away. I mean, I even re-wrote "We're Off to See the Wizard" to "We're Off to Bug the
President"!
DUBYA (sarcastically): Oh, I'm so flattered.
CAPT. JANEWAY (too absorbed in her own thoughts to realize that was an insult): I just wish
there were something else so shocking that this might end on a good note . . .
(Cut to: The Oval Office, with everyone inside. MULDER and DOGGETT are fighting, while
SCULLY and SKINNER try to predict who is going to win. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
seem to have discovered a pack of cards recently:)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Got any fives?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: Go fish.
MULDER: AUTHOR'S PET!! AUTHOR'S PET!! DOGGETT IS THE--
(DOGGETT punches MULDER.)
DOGGETT: For the millionth time, SHUT-UP!!
(Suddenly, there is a very polite knock at the door. Just as suddenly, the SECRET SERVICE
AGENTS drop their cards, SCULLY and SKINNER stop betting, and DOGGETT stops his next
punch in midair as MULDER falls silent in mid-sentence. Everyone looks around for a moment,
not saying a word. Finally, SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 approaches the door cautiously,
while SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 and #3 quickly hide behind DUBYA's desk.)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Who is it?
KRYCEK (from behind the door): Uh . . . Flowers!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Aw, how nice. They must be for the President.
MULDER (to himself): I know that voice from somewhere . . .
(SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 starts to open the door, but the army of malevolent X-Files
characters behind it push the door the rest of the way open so it slams the poor agent against the
wall. The characters come pouring into the office: KRYCEK, MARITA, THE
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, REYES, FOWLEY, JIMMY, YVES, SHANNON McMann,
KERSH, BYERS, LANGLY, and FROHIKE. They immediately surround the SECRET
SERVICE AGENTS, SCULLY, MULDER, SKINNER, and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Back! Back! Back you non-main-character scum!
(Blue sparks fly from DOGGETT's fingertips.)
MARITA (horrified): No! He has limited author powers!
DOGGETT (proudly): Ah-ha! Something your puny little minds couldn't think of . . .
MULDER: Yeah, but weren't your powers limited to the Storm Cellar Scenes only?
DOGGETT: . . . Never mind that!
FOWLEY: That's all right, Marita. We have somebody *else* for him . . .
(SHANNON McMann guards DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Oh . . . You had to bring her . . .
REYES: Now, where's Capt. Janeway . . . Um, John? Hello?
DOGGETT (his attention focused on SHANNON): Uh . . . Guh . . . Muh . . .
MULDER (trying very hard not to laugh): What he's trying to say is that the evil Capt. Janeway
isn't here.
KRYCEK: You don't like her, either?
MULDER: No. (gesturing toward DOGGETT:) She uses her little *pet* to torture me . . .
FOWLEY: Join us, Fox. We're rebelling against her.
BYERS: We fanfiction characters are throwing-off our shackles!
LANGLY: Free to do as we please . . .
FROHIKE: . . . Without some infantile amateur author controlling our every move!
MULDER: Really?! Hey, count me in!
SCULLY: Wait a minute! Can you trust these people, Mulder?
MULDER (nudging her): Scully, you're not a skeptic anymore, remember?
SCULLY: Oh! That's right; I forgot. Let's see . . . How about "I'll just follow you blindly,
believing that what you're doing is the right thing." Is that better?
MULDER: That'll do.
SCULLY: Okay.
SKINNER: Well, since I'm not a skeptic anymore, I guess I'll join, too.
SCULLY: What about Agent Doggett?
DOGGETT (still distracted by SHANNON): . . . Muh . . . Gee . . . Wah . . .
REYES: Oh, leave him alone. Besides, he might have some entertainment value if he stays like
this for the rest of the fic.
DOGGETT: . . . Weeee . . .
(DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY walk back on-camera.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: What?! You all aren't supposed to be here!! Get off-camera, where you
belong!!
MARITA: Oh, no, we won't.
KRYCEK: We're rebelling.
FOWLEY: And just you try to stop us!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (not believing what she's hearing): Don't tell me you're actually trying this. I
can't believe you all are *that* stupid.
REYES: We're not stupid at all!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh-huh . . . Sure. Let's see who wins this little fight. Doggett?
DOGGETT (focused on SHANNON): . . . Neeeee . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: Doggett? What's wrong? (suddenly noticing SHANNON:) You! What're
you doing here?! I never even *summoned* you for this fic!
SHANNON: No. Diana Fowley did, because she's going to be the new author of this fic.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Why are you so supportive of her? If you help me, I might allow you in
another fic or two.
SHANNON: Yeah, well, Fowley can spell my last name right. It's "M-C-M-A-H-O-N," not
"M-C-M-A-N-N."
CAPT. JANEWAY (defensively): Did you just insult the way I spell?!
SHANNON (proudly): Maybe.
CAPT. JANEWAY: All right, you asked for it! (CAPT. JANEWAY clears her throat:) I AM
JANEWAY, WARRIOR CAPTAIN!! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY somersaults through the air, knocking SHANNON over, unconscious.
DUBYA and CHENEY clap.)
FOWLEY: Oh, you think that's the end of it, Capt. Janeway? Just you wait until you see who
else I have up my sleeve . . . Spender, go get our politician friends!
SPENDER: Yay! I get to invite them in!
(SPENDER skips with glee to the Oval Office door. He opens it, to reveal Bill CLINTON and
AL GORE.)
CLINTON (with that "big ol' smile" of his): Hey, everybody! Did somebody start a party without
me?
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): No . . . FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, NO! ANYBODY BUT
HIM!
AL GORE: Oh, come on, Capt. Janeway. He's been really good today . . . You should have seen
him at the last wedding he crashed. It was truly *abominable.*
FOWLEY (in a sinister voice): Mr. Clinton, why don't you go talk to Capt. Janeway. I know
she's just *dying* to meet you.
DUBYA (still stunned): Pinch me, Dick.
(CHENEY pinches DUBYA on the arm. DUBYA jumps with pain.)
DUBYA (angrily): Ow! I didn't say to pinch me *hard*! I just asked you to pinch me!
CHENEY: Sorry.
DOGGETT: Uh, Capt. Janeway? Now would be a good time to make use of your author powers,
I think.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Absolutely. This little rebellion shall end . . . NOW!
(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around, puzzled.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, this might be a good place to end the fic, so I can avoid any more
pathetic plot twists.
DOGGETT: They weren't that pathetic, Capt. Janeway . . . (suddenly remembering:) Wait a
minute! We never sang the reprise of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN: Didn't we sing the reprise? Didn't we really?
SKINNER: That's right!
ALL X-FILES CHARACTERS: WE WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG! WE
WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, okay, fine.
CLINTON: Can we sing, too?
CAPT. JANEWAY (shuddering): Uh . . . Whatever. (Turning to DOGGETT:) You go first.
DOGGETT: Me?
CAPT. JANEWAY (smiling): Yes, you, my beloved co-author.
DOGGETT (singing): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of beer! If
one just happens to fall . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . Then there's ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottles
of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: . . . Then there's ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the
wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: Ninety-sev'n
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
THE LONE GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Then there's ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-six bottles of beer!
If one just happens to fall . . .
DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE (giving each other odd looks as they sing): . . .
Then there's ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE: Ninety-five bottles
of beer on the wall! Ninety-five bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
THE THREE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS (peeping out from under DUBYA's desk): . . . Then
there's ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, & THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS: Ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-four bottles of
beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
SHANNON (just waking-up), MARITA, & FOWLEY: . . . Then there's ninety-three bottles of
beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, & FOWLEY: Ninety-three
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-three bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
KRYCEK, SPENDER, & KERSH: . . . Then there' s ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, FOWLEY, KRYCEK,
SPENDER, & KERSH (as everyone holds hands and sways to the tune; a full-blown musical
score is playing in the background): NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!!
NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER!! IF ONE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL . . .
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (puffing mysteriously at his cigarette): Would one just
happen to fall? Would it really?
(Everybody groans, and many start to get angry with him. MULDER, DOGGETT, DUBYA, and
KRYCEK quickly volunteer to beat the tar out of him. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
quickly hides in a small closet and hopes for the best, only to find a snarling QUEEQUEG
waiting for him . . .)
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
That's all, folks!
Thank you so much for your *incredible* patience (and your tolerance of insane humor)! Please
remember to review, and do check back with me from time to time, as I may have another fanfic
or three up my sleeve yet . . . ;)
Wordfully yours,
Capt. Janeway :)
I did indeed forget a disclaimer for the politicians used in this fic in Chapter 7, so here it is now:
Go ahead. Sue me. I'll be in Guatemala before you can say "Robert Shapiro."
Anyway, here be Chapter 8, the final chapter. (Bum-bum-BUM!) Things are going to get a little
confusing here, so bear with me . . . Oh, and by the way, Dana R. Luder, I do refer to the movie
for this fic. Quite frequently, as I'm not as familiar with it as I am with "Star Trek: First
Contact." (I used to know all the Borg Queen's lines by heart . . .) Once again, a special thanx to
the nice people who give me nice reviews, despite the fact that Doggett is late in delivering their
bribes.
(DOGGETT: U.S. Postal Service!!!)
Happy Reading!
Capt. Janeway ;)
Special Agent John Doggett :)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!
*
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?
KRYCEK: Two words.
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.
*
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we
should do whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .
*
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the door.
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!
*
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?
(Everyone is silent.)
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!
*
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called
them Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy,
and you're supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the
slippers, I guess I have to let you all in.
*
EVERYONE:
Ha-ha-ha!
Ho-ho-ho!
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!
That's how we laugh the day away
In Washington, D.C.!
*
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick
Robert . . .
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick,
not Patrick Robert.
*
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!
*
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . I'm sorry, everyone, but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas
for the Storm Cellar scenes.
*
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .
*
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?
*
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.
*
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!
*
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a
moment:) And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!
*
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 8 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside the Oval Office with DUBYA and the X-Files characters. DUBYA is trying to figure the whole situation out:)
DUBYA: Okay, okay, this is some kind of joke to get my mind off of the doom and gloom stuff,
right? I know that you all are David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick Robert
. . .
DOGGETT (glaring at DUBYA): It's *Robert Patrick.*
DUBYA: . . . Uh, Robert Patrick. Who put you guys up to this? Was it Laura?
MULDER: We're not the actors; we're the X-Files characters.
SKINNER: The First Lady has nothing to do with this.
SCULLY: And this isn't a joke.
DUBYA: Oh. Well, then . . . Since you're all here . . . (muttering:) . . . and the Secret Service
isn't . . . (normally again:) . . . I might as well hear what you have to say.
SCULLY: Oh, thank you! You see, like we said before, I got lost somewhere over the rainbow,
and then I met the Scarecrow . . .
MULDER: That's me.
SCULLY: . . . And then the Tin Man . . .
DOGGETT: That's me.
SCULLY: . . . And then I met the Cowardly Lion.
SKINNER: That's me.
SCULLY: And we all really want something, so Reyes uh, Glinda told us all to come here and
complain about our problems to you. She said that if we do that, you'll give us what we want.
DUBYA (not pleased): Did she?
SCULLY: And so, I really want to go home to see Aunt Em and Uncle Henry again.
MULDER: And I want a brain so my actor won't abandon me.
DOGGETT: And I want a new axe so I can feel a little more macho.
SKINNER: And I want mind-altering medication so I can finally have the courage to stand-up to
people who treat me like a doormat.
DUBYA (not entirely sure of how he ought to handle a group of X-Files characters pretending to
be Wizard of Oz characters): Uh-huh . . . Okay . . .
(Suddenly, the three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS dragging a struggling Dick CHENEY by the
collar come into the Oval Office:)
DUBYA: It's about time you people got here . . .
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: Never fear, Mr. President!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: We managed to drag Dick Cheney over here!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: *He'll* be able to protect you!
CHENEY (to the agents, who are still holding him by the collar): Uh . . . You can let go of me,
now.
DUBYA (overjoyed): Dick! I'm so glad you're here! These freaks think they're X-Files
characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters.
CHENEY: Sorry, George, but I can't help you. You know that there's only one person in this
room who has limited author powers, and it isn't me.
(DOGGETT shoots a proud look to MULDER. MULDER glowers back at him.)
DUBYA (confused): *What* powers?
CHENEY: Author powers.
DUBYA: Is that one of those legal mumbo-jumbo words?
CHENEY: No . . . You mean Capt. Janeway never told you?
DUBYA: Capt. Janeway . . . Isn't that a Star Trek character?
CHENEY: No. Worse. (calling:) Capt. Janeway!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY walks on-camera.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: You called, Mr. Vice President?
CHENEY: You forgot to tell the President about this . . . fanfiction.
CAPT. JANEWAY (suddenly remembering): Aw, shoot! I knew I forgot to tell someone . . .
MULDER: Sure, it wasn't anybody important. Just the President of the United States of
America, that's all.
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): Come on off-camera, and I'll explain it all to you.
(CAPT. JANEWAY leads DUBYA and CHENEY off-camera, leaving the other characters
behind.)
MULDER: Well, this is just great. This whole scene was about the President! What are we
supposed to do without him?!
SCULLY: And without Capt. Janeway and Dick Cheney!!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: We're doomed!
(The X-Files characters give the SECRET SERVICE AGENTS an odd look.)
SKINNER: Aren't you supposed to be protecting us?
(The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS glare at SKINNER.)
(Cut to: Off-camera, with DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY. We see four
STAGEHANDS fanning the trio with palm leaves as they talk:)
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . So, you see, Mr. President, I'm in a bit of a pickle here with this fanfic. I
just don't know what to do.
DUBYA: What do you mean?
CAPT. JANEWAY: I mean, I know the X-Files characters are getting on your nerves, and I also
know that this fic is taking way too long to end. But, I can't just whisk them away and say
"That's The End," either. That would be lame.
DUBYA: Why would it be lame?
CAPT. JANEWAY: You're kidding, right? After building-up all this suspense, I can't just throw
it all away. I mean, I even re-wrote "We're Off to See the Wizard" to "We're Off to Bug the
President"!
DUBYA (sarcastically): Oh, I'm so flattered.
CAPT. JANEWAY (too absorbed in her own thoughts to realize that was an insult): I just wish
there were something else so shocking that this might end on a good note . . .
(Cut to: The Oval Office, with everyone inside. MULDER and DOGGETT are fighting, while
SCULLY and SKINNER try to predict who is going to win. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
seem to have discovered a pack of cards recently:)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Got any fives?
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: Go fish.
MULDER: AUTHOR'S PET!! AUTHOR'S PET!! DOGGETT IS THE--
(DOGGETT punches MULDER.)
DOGGETT: For the millionth time, SHUT-UP!!
(Suddenly, there is a very polite knock at the door. Just as suddenly, the SECRET SERVICE
AGENTS drop their cards, SCULLY and SKINNER stop betting, and DOGGETT stops his next
punch in midair as MULDER falls silent in mid-sentence. Everyone looks around for a moment,
not saying a word. Finally, SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 approaches the door cautiously,
while SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 and #3 quickly hide behind DUBYA's desk.)
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Who is it?
KRYCEK (from behind the door): Uh . . . Flowers!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Aw, how nice. They must be for the President.
MULDER (to himself): I know that voice from somewhere . . .
(SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 starts to open the door, but the army of malevolent X-Files
characters behind it push the door the rest of the way open so it slams the poor agent against the
wall. The characters come pouring into the office: KRYCEK, MARITA, THE
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, REYES, FOWLEY, JIMMY, YVES, SHANNON McMann,
KERSH, BYERS, LANGLY, and FROHIKE. They immediately surround the SECRET
SERVICE AGENTS, SCULLY, MULDER, SKINNER, and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Back! Back! Back you non-main-character scum!
(Blue sparks fly from DOGGETT's fingertips.)
MARITA (horrified): No! He has limited author powers!
DOGGETT (proudly): Ah-ha! Something your puny little minds couldn't think of . . .
MULDER: Yeah, but weren't your powers limited to the Storm Cellar Scenes only?
DOGGETT: . . . Never mind that!
FOWLEY: That's all right, Marita. We have somebody *else* for him . . .
(SHANNON McMann guards DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: Oh . . . You had to bring her . . .
REYES: Now, where's Capt. Janeway . . . Um, John? Hello?
DOGGETT (his attention focused on SHANNON): Uh . . . Guh . . . Muh . . .
MULDER (trying very hard not to laugh): What he's trying to say is that the evil Capt. Janeway
isn't here.
KRYCEK: You don't like her, either?
MULDER: No. (gesturing toward DOGGETT:) She uses her little *pet* to torture me . . .
FOWLEY: Join us, Fox. We're rebelling against her.
BYERS: We fanfiction characters are throwing-off our shackles!
LANGLY: Free to do as we please . . .
FROHIKE: . . . Without some infantile amateur author controlling our every move!
MULDER: Really?! Hey, count me in!
SCULLY: Wait a minute! Can you trust these people, Mulder?
MULDER (nudging her): Scully, you're not a skeptic anymore, remember?
SCULLY: Oh! That's right; I forgot. Let's see . . . How about "I'll just follow you blindly,
believing that what you're doing is the right thing." Is that better?
MULDER: That'll do.
SCULLY: Okay.
SKINNER: Well, since I'm not a skeptic anymore, I guess I'll join, too.
SCULLY: What about Agent Doggett?
DOGGETT (still distracted by SHANNON): . . . Muh . . . Gee . . . Wah . . .
REYES: Oh, leave him alone. Besides, he might have some entertainment value if he stays like
this for the rest of the fic.
DOGGETT: . . . Weeee . . .
(DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY walk back on-camera.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: What?! You all aren't supposed to be here!! Get off-camera, where you
belong!!
MARITA: Oh, no, we won't.
KRYCEK: We're rebelling.
FOWLEY: And just you try to stop us!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (not believing what she's hearing): Don't tell me you're actually trying this. I
can't believe you all are *that* stupid.
REYES: We're not stupid at all!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh-huh . . . Sure. Let's see who wins this little fight. Doggett?
DOGGETT (focused on SHANNON): . . . Neeeee . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: Doggett? What's wrong? (suddenly noticing SHANNON:) You! What're
you doing here?! I never even *summoned* you for this fic!
SHANNON: No. Diana Fowley did, because she's going to be the new author of this fic.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Why are you so supportive of her? If you help me, I might allow you in
another fic or two.
SHANNON: Yeah, well, Fowley can spell my last name right. It's "M-C-M-A-H-O-N," not
"M-C-M-A-N-N."
CAPT. JANEWAY (defensively): Did you just insult the way I spell?!
SHANNON (proudly): Maybe.
CAPT. JANEWAY: All right, you asked for it! (CAPT. JANEWAY clears her throat:) I AM
JANEWAY, WARRIOR CAPTAIN!! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
(CAPT. JANEWAY somersaults through the air, knocking SHANNON over, unconscious.
DUBYA and CHENEY clap.)
FOWLEY: Oh, you think that's the end of it, Capt. Janeway? Just you wait until you see who
else I have up my sleeve . . . Spender, go get our politician friends!
SPENDER: Yay! I get to invite them in!
(SPENDER skips with glee to the Oval Office door. He opens it, to reveal Bill CLINTON and
AL GORE.)
CLINTON (with that "big ol' smile" of his): Hey, everybody! Did somebody start a party without
me?
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): No . . . FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, NO! ANYBODY BUT
HIM!
AL GORE: Oh, come on, Capt. Janeway. He's been really good today . . . You should have seen
him at the last wedding he crashed. It was truly *abominable.*
FOWLEY (in a sinister voice): Mr. Clinton, why don't you go talk to Capt. Janeway. I know
she's just *dying* to meet you.
DUBYA (still stunned): Pinch me, Dick.
(CHENEY pinches DUBYA on the arm. DUBYA jumps with pain.)
DUBYA (angrily): Ow! I didn't say to pinch me *hard*! I just asked you to pinch me!
CHENEY: Sorry.
DOGGETT: Uh, Capt. Janeway? Now would be a good time to make use of your author powers,
I think.
CAPT. JANEWAY: Absolutely. This little rebellion shall end . . . NOW!
(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around, puzzled.)
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, this might be a good place to end the fic, so I can avoid any more
pathetic plot twists.
DOGGETT: They weren't that pathetic, Capt. Janeway . . . (suddenly remembering:) Wait a
minute! We never sang the reprise of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN: Didn't we sing the reprise? Didn't we really?
SKINNER: That's right!
ALL X-FILES CHARACTERS: WE WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG! WE
WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG!
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, okay, fine.
CLINTON: Can we sing, too?
CAPT. JANEWAY (shuddering): Uh . . . Whatever. (Turning to DOGGETT:) You go first.
DOGGETT: Me?
CAPT. JANEWAY (smiling): Yes, you, my beloved co-author.
DOGGETT (singing): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of beer! If
one just happens to fall . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . Then there's ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottles
of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: . . . Then there's ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the
wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: Ninety-sev'n
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
THE LONE GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Then there's ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-six bottles of beer!
If one just happens to fall . . .
DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE (giving each other odd looks as they sing): . . .
Then there's ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE: Ninety-five bottles
of beer on the wall! Ninety-five bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
THE THREE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS (peeping out from under DUBYA's desk): . . . Then
there's ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, & THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS: Ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-four bottles of
beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
SHANNON (just waking-up), MARITA, & FOWLEY: . . . Then there's ninety-three bottles of
beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, & FOWLEY: Ninety-three
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-three bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .
KRYCEK, SPENDER, & KERSH: . . . Then there' s ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall!
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, FOWLEY, KRYCEK,
SPENDER, & KERSH (as everyone holds hands and sways to the tune; a full-blown musical
score is playing in the background): NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!!
NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER!! IF ONE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL . . .
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (puffing mysteriously at his cigarette): Would one just
happen to fall? Would it really?
(Everybody groans, and many start to get angry with him. MULDER, DOGGETT, DUBYA, and
KRYCEK quickly volunteer to beat the tar out of him. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
quickly hides in a small closet and hopes for the best, only to find a snarling QUEEQUEG
waiting for him . . .)
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
That's all, folks!
Thank you so much for your *incredible* patience (and your tolerance of insane humor)! Please
remember to review, and do check back with me from time to time, as I may have another fanfic
or three up my sleeve yet . . . ;)
Wordfully yours,
Capt. Janeway :)
