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Life without love: Chapter 4
A Gundam Wing fan fiction
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DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
"Hitoshi, do you want to come with me to town? I have to do some last minute gift buying, and well, you might want to come with me, to buy gifts for Angel and Treize," I speak up during tea. Hitoshi looks sullen at the mention of Treize's name. He obviously wanted to be here when Releena came back from a shopping trip with Angel.
Une agrees for him, saying it was a great thing for me to actually show a want to go out of the cabin, and it would be a waste if I didn't, wouldn't it? This was met with laughter from the others, but Hitoshi starts eyeing us like a pair of cobras suddenly coming to life. We were so obviously a pair of conspirators, it was a wonder Hitoshi didn't call our bluff off immediately.
And so, Hitoshi, willingly or unwillingly, sits beside me as I drive the pickup to town. "How's it been, Hitoshi? Sorry I haven't been much of a host to you and Releena, considering you went down for the holidays because of me..."
"It's okay. Your friends are neat. I wish I was in a better mood to treat them right. Just that-" And Hitoshi sighs, making me realize that though he was twenty or so already, Releena was the first girl he had let himself get close to. And it must hurt for that girl to prefer an older man's company.
"Trouble?"
"Yeah, sort of. What is it with Treize that girls go gaga on him? It's not as if he was rich like Quatre or talented like Trowa or cheerful like Duo, and hell, Heero is such a good hacker I've learned a thing or two from him. And he doesn't speak as fluently as your Chinese scholar Wu fei, but there was Une almost crying when she heard he was alive. Who was he, anyway? Sounds to me he's like a hotshot or something."
"Sort of. Treize has charm, and I've seen him turn it on like a light bulb before a girl." I turn left. "Don't feel so bad because he's charming. It's not as if girls don't like you too."
"Heck, but girls just like me. They positively drool over him. If I could just get a cigarette I'd probably be smoking like a chimney due to the stress I am in."
"I thought you didn't smoke."
"I used to, but meeting Releena, well...we met once in this state dinner sort of thing, and there was a bunch of old guys smoking like it was a men's club, and then she turned to me, because I was the one beside her, and asked if I could lead her outside. Can't refuse a girl, right? When we got out, she told me she couldn't stand the smoke inside, and just as I was about to reach for a cigarette. And she a diplomat, telling me such an undiplomatic thing, because all of those guys were like-ambassadors. Made me think I should at least let this girl enjoy some clean air. And I've dropped the habit completely, knowing that if I smoked in secret, I'd just itch for one in her presence, and where would we be?" He takes out a lighter, playing with it in his hands. "Still kept the lighter and that cigarette I was about to smoke, as a reminder. She's the sort of girl I thought I could make myself do right for, but now she's attached to Treize, and it hurts me. How would you feel if the girl you practically declared yourself to chases another guy? Sorry, Mr. Peacecraft, but it's the truth. I love her, I'll do anything I can for her, even let her have Treize, but somehow I can't stop myself from hating him for it. I courted her first, and don't I deserve to be the one she'd fall for?"
"Releena may not really like him..."
"Yeah, and Treize might turn into a frog if I wished hard enough."
"Hitoshi, are you going to let Treize get her just because you've been rude to her, to him, and to everyone?"
"No, but, can't help it if I felt that way. I was actually planning to ask you for your permission to let me marry her, but now that Treize's in the picture--she doesn't seem to like me anymore."
"Did you tell her you loved her?"
"Yes-no-sort of. I thought she understood me, when we talked about being together until we grew old in the Space Colonies. I know I should tell her that, but how? Treize would be here during Christmas, when I'm supposed to give her this." Hitoshi now takes out a pouch, and out spills a y-shaped chain of silver, with creamy pink pearls placed at equal intervals. Another pinkish pearl pendant dangled from it, gleaming softly. It was a simple yet charming piece, and I knew it suited Releena. But Hitoshi looks uncertain. "Do you think I should give it to her?"
"Yes, and tell her what you feel. I'm glad you told me, but it would hurt her if she learned her brother knew her friend loved her before she did. I think you and she suit each other, and now, if you don't mind telling Treize to back off, I'm sure you will find Treize willing to bow down to you, since you love her, and I guess Treize just needed a target for flirtations. It's not bad, but I don't know. Treize is supposed to be in love with someone, but I guess he doesn't love my sister, if he could stay between you and her. You were willing to let her go, right?"
"Yes, if that was what she wanted."
"That's how love is."
Yes, that's how love is, to be willing to let the person you love go. I'll let Treize go, I'll let him love as he wanted to love, even if it hurts me. That was how Hitoshi loved Releena, and that is how I can love Treize.
I corner my sister right after, taking her to the balcony. "What is it, Milliard?"
"It's been a long time since we had our talks, sis, and I thought I'd spend some time with you. You've been skiing so often, or in one of the onsens, I rarely see you."
"I'm sorry, Milliard. I've been neglectful of you, haven't I? Well, I shouldn't have set out to enjoy the vacation so badly."
"I don't mean to be so mean as to let you not enjoy the vacation. I know you need it so much, but I miss you too."
"Me too." She hugs me. "So, what do you want to talk about?"
"You did say there were developments concerning Hitoshi. I was wondering--"
"Not you too! Why is everyone curious what I have with Hitoshi or Treize or anyone else for that matter? Can't I be a normal girl to like someone and hang around them without having people asking me what was wrong with me and what relationship we had with each other?" She does and about face, leaving me.
I just watch her go. I hurt for her, but there was jealousy too, and I thought it'll be best to let her cool of. This talk failed.
Christmas eve's a happy time of chatter and caroling. The Khushrenadas are staying over, and so the girls are chatting, the guys are drinking brandy spiked eggnog as they listened. Releena had forgiven me, but she did not let herself be open to the topic after that. The fire burns merrily in the fireplace. It was a cheerful scene. The lights in the Christmas tree glow, not twinkled, as Quatre insisted on, reflecting on the gleaming wooden floor. The tree was decorated with handcrafted decorations they dug from the attic, and it was a beautiful, homey tree. Gifts of every size, shape and color were there, piled high.
And I am outside, in the balcony, looking out at the star filled sky. Not in the mood to chat, to reminisce. It was wonderful to just plan, to think of getting away as soon as possible before Christmas dawned on us. There was a valise packed in my room, hidden away, of course, since Treize was going to share my room for the night, and all my other stuff was in the suitcases I carried into this resort. I'll send for it when I'm in Sanque already. My gifts to the others are under the Christmas tree, it's only my shining, smiling presence that is necessary inside and on Christmas.
But I won't be here on Christmas.
Yes, I can't. It's the season of giving, and I'm going to give Treize and me some breathing space. I have no idea what to do. It was wonderful, I know, to be with friends on Christmas day, but still...
"Saint Milliard, suffering the cold anew for our sins." Treize steps out, carrying two mugs. "I don't know what is it with you and this balcony, but so far as I've heard, you spend every waking moment here except for dinner. There was even a time a blizzard came down on you and you stayed out even when you were about to die of hypothermia here."
"It's very isolated, you see. No one comes out. I like the peace." I hint him away. "Shouldn't you prefer the warm room inside? There is Une and the others."
"Hitoshi's too busy glaring at me to make me enjoy the scene." He takes a sip of eggnog. "What's wrong with him? Did he come up to scratch already? Releena told me she needed help to find out if Hitoshi liked her any more than a friend, that's why I've been spending so much time with her."
"You--you did that because Releena--"
"Yes. Why else would I? I don't like her any more than a sister."
"Well, Hitoshi might just come up to scratch today. Anyway, I would have expected you to be with that person Une told me about."
"That person Une told you about? Which person? Who?"
"She told me you are in love with this girl."
"She did, did she?" Treize was suddenly silent, thinking. "I am in love, and I was planning to ask this person tomorrow if we shared the same feelings for each other. I was wondering--would you mind if I borrow your balcony for tomorrow so I can talk to--"
I interject quickly. Too quickly. "Oh, I don't mind. Where is she, anyway? Will she be coming down from the Space Colonies?"
"No, I think we'll meet each other here. Will you wish me luck, Milliard?"
I look up at him. What is he wanting to do, kill me slowly? His eyes are glittering, telling me things I didn't understand, things I had no idea of interpreting. Sweet, slow death. I whisper something appropriate, I guess, but I was about to run inside, not wanting to hurt any more. I had the door open. All I need to do was take two more steps forward...
A grip like a vise on my arm.
Silent words, almost inaudible because of the noise coming from inside.
"Don't go."
Was he aware it would just hurt me so much if I stayed? How can I stay here, listening to him talk about the love of his life, knowing he would never love me? Knowing he can never be mine? Knowing he loved another? If there was a God He'll not make me hurt so such, would he?
"Treize, it'll be so much better for both of us if I go. It's Christmas Eve. I'd better get in, before they open up one of the gifts. I don't want Duo opening up my present because I'm not there." I put up that false cheery front again, like Duo's naturally cheerful façade, knowing he wasn't fooled for a second, but being unable to do anything more.
"Milliard-I..."
We both freeze at the sound of approaching people.
"-what is wrong with you? You've been acting weird the whole week!" Releena, annoyed, was coming near to where we were, judging from her voice.
"Who wouldn't act weird when you're here going bonkers over Treize. Tell me for the last time, who do you like more, anyway? Me or Treize?" It was Hitoshi, emboldened most likely by the brandy and the anger he'd been keeping inside him these past few weeks.
"What a stupid question! I will not even deign to answer that!"
"Hah, just afraid I'll learn you don't love me as much as I love you!"
"What are you talking about? I do-oomph!" Then silence. She sounded like she'd been abruptly cut off. Worried about my sister, I turn the corner to look at what's happening, not caring what Treize was going to do. Treize restrained me to keep me in place, but I was faster.
Hitoshi, kissing my sister like it was the only thing that he wanted to do. Releena was limp in his arms, clinging to his arms for dear life. I stand there, mute, shocked.
"I love you, that's the truth, Releena..." he whispers, heart-brokenly, full of pain and sadness. They're both unaware of our presence. "If you want Treize, then it's okay, but I can't let you go away without even kissing you once."
"Hitoshi-" She draws his face close to hers anew, looking into his eyes.
"What?"
"I--love--you--too."
Their reunion was swift and fierce. I really shouldn't be seeing this, but I couldn't move. Treize beckons for me to move back to the balcony, but I'd rather not. Might as well clear things up. And I didn't want to be alone with Treize with my nerves like this. I was in no mood to keep up my cheerful front. I cough for them to realize I'm here, and they quickly break away, so red and guilty I kind of pity them on getting caught.
"Milliard...it's not...I mean..." Releena, known for her diplomatic skills, has suddenly turned speechless. She bows her head to hide her face at the crook of his neck. He was so red, but didn't duck, looking at me straight in the eye. He took it like a man, and I'm surprised by the maturity he showed.
"It's all my fault, Mr. Peacecraft. I told her I loved her." Hitoshi looks uncomfortable too. But when he saw Treize his chin juts challengingly.
"So we heard." Treize steps forward. "I hope you learn discretion in handling relationships, Hitoshi. Anyone could have heard you. Declaring in the hallways is definitely not in style."
"Treize!" My sister and I chorus as Hitoshi looks about to kill the handsome man anew.
"This does not concern you, Mr. Khushrenada. I do not care what you think of me, but all I want to do is prove what has been true for a long time." Hitoshi places an arm around Releena's shoulder. Treize shook his head, indicating he was blameless.
"Just kidding. I congratulate you, Hitoshi. In truth, I was only helping out a friend in need when I did the things I did, so please do not think of killing me for the moment." He extends a hand, smiling his sincerity. "I didn't stand a chance against you when it comes to this girl."
Hitoshi smiles back, and shakes his hand.
"Thanks."
And I'm so glad the animosity's gone. Can't spend the first and last Christmas Eve Treize and I will ever be celebrating together with him at swords drawn with my prospective brother-in-law.
Releena taps Hitoshi's shoulder, whispering something, and they left both of us. I am again alone with the person I loved completely.
"So, can you take me up to our room? I want to be fresh and cheerful tomorrow." He smiles at me, and I could not refuse. We were both silent as we went up. I open the door and turn on the light. There it was, the two identical beds, side-by-side, just like how we will be tonight. His valise was there, by the foot of my bed. I sense him coming nearer...
"I--I have to check on something," I stammer, leaving him alone in the room. I close the door behind me, leaning on it, glad I am at last free from him. For a while.
Last day, last time. If Treize stepped in Sanque soil, it'll be the moment I step off it for a trumped up diplomatic mission. I have to stop seeing him, to stop feeling hurt in the thought he had never loved me the way I loved him, because he's there, loving a faceless, nameless person. Who made the feeling of love, anyway? It only hurt half of the time, and the other half was spent feeling deliriously happy, you make people hate you for your cheerful attitude.
I'm just bad-mouthing love, because I hurt so much. Maybe if Treize loved me too, it wouldn't be so bad, but it wasn't the case. I'd better go out now, to see them go down to open the gifts under the tree. Spending the night with Treize bunking with me was not the best or the worst experience I've had. I didn't sleep a wink anyway, too uncomfortable with him on the spare bed beside me to try sleep. I really, really hate going away, but what was I to do? I enjoy the sunrise for one last time, and then plan to go.
"I told you I'll be borrowing your balcony."
Treize. Oh, God, was this a punishment? Do I have to die every time I see him, die because I know I'll never say my feelings to him, knowing he loved, as I loved, truly, madly, but for another girl? I want to say, go away, love this other girl, just the way I love you. Let her run her fingers through your hair, as I have longed to do. Let her touch your face with caressing fingers, as I want to. Let her kiss you, as I...
I turn away, too hurt to even think of looking into his wonderful blue eyes.
"I have a gift for you."
"Really? Thanks. I'll open it later." He steps forward, putting a small box in my hand. It was flat and fitted my palm perfectly. He tilts my chin up, so I can look into his serious blue eyes. Why is it he's been looking at me that way the whole time? Like he wanted to read what was going in my mind? I wanted to know him, completely, purely, his reasons, his thoughts, and his feelings. That was what all I wanted to do.
Before he declares himself to be in love with another person.
"I want you to open it before me, so I can see what you think about it." He smiles. "It took me a long time to look for it, so I want to know if you like it."
"Oh. Okay." I undo the ribbon, and remove the top of the box. Buried under tissue that whispered as I undid them was a silver chain, from which hung a Celtic cross, made of silver too, slim and very beautiful. It was decorated with intricate curlicues and embedded semi-precious stones. It was an eighteenth century piece, and even I with my untrained eyes, could see that. "Thank you, Treize. I don't know what to say, but the book I was going to give you pales in comparison to this."
"What book?"
"An anthology by Kahlil Gibran. I thought you'd appreciate it too. It's an original print. I found it in this obscure little bookshop in Sanque."
"Thanks. I know how much you treasure those books." He lifts up the chain. "May I put it on you?"
"Uh...sure." I lift my hair, and he walks behind me, fastening the chain. His touch brought shivers down my spine. Though they were light, the warmth in them could not be disguised by the thick pile of my sweater. He moves to face me again, and touches the cross.
"When I saw this I thought of you."
"Why? Saint Milliard?" I quip, getting the wisecrack from him. "Always ready to sacrifice himself to the cold, as you said late night?"
His eyes reveals hurt at the quip, and I turn away, so as not to see his eyes, afraid I'll break down and say I wanted him, in every possible way. Yes, even in a sexual way. I know he would be a strong lover, insatiable, tender, and yes, sensual, even without any experience of it.
He catches my chin, forcing me to look at him. His voice was soft, his words clear...
"No, Milliard. Because you are my salvation."
"What...?" I stare at him, not believing what I was hearing. I can't be hearing this, can I? It must be a dream. But he feels so real. I can touch him, feel him. I can't believe this, he must be kidding. And what a cruel, cruel joke. I look into his eyes, but there was no trace of humor there. Instead, I saw a curious light flickering in them, there, as it had always been, every time he looked at me. I turn away, but he caught my arm, spinning me to look at my eyes. He touched my cheek, gently, then dropping his hand to my arm to grip it.
"Listen to me first, Milliard. Please. I'm being fully honest to you now. Listen, please."
"But I thought--" I swallow. "You're wait--"
He shakes his head, putting his dark blond hair to disarray. How I want to run my fingers through it!
"I'm waiting for no one else, please, I want to tell you what I feel for you."
He's making it hard for me to listen. I'm half-afraid to find out if he liked me in any way, because if I learned he didn't want me as I wanted him, I'm going to be hurt, completely.
"What do you feel?"
"That I need you, Milliard. That's what I feel. I'm being honest with myself, so be honest with me too. Tell me if you feel the same way. Please?"
It was my turn to shake my head. "Treize, I'm being honest. There can't be anything more between us than friendship. You know why. We're both guys! I was hoping, in a way, that it could be us, but hoping is not the same thing as expecting..."
He was a brilliant strategist, and I knew that. But I hardly expected his next move.
He spins me around and kisses me.
He was warm, exploring me like he truly wanted to. I could feel his hands sliding down my waist, gripping my hips to bring me closer. His tongue seeked entrance to my mouth, and he gave me soft kisses to soften me into letting him kiss me deeply. His tongue twined with mine, caressing it, playing with it, stirring me. I kissed him back, holding tightly to his shoulders, clinging, afraid I'll wake up from this dream, this wonderful sensual dream...I was drowning in desire after that. All I wanted was to kiss him back. He supports me completely, as I finally broke away from his kiss, weak and clinging.
"Can't...mustn't..."
"Can--must." He shakes me. I feel so boneless, I melt to him. "I love you."
"I don't believe you, mustn't believe you." I turn away. I feel so cold. I didn't realize how cold this balcony was before. Was it because I've felt warmth and love, at last?
He captures me by the waist, tugging at my sweater's collar, exposing my nape, then warming it with his mouth. He kisses it, lifting away my hair, putting it over my shoulder, as he pulls me back to my chair, making me sit at his lap. He's so strong, even while I tried pushing him away, I knew it was futile.
And deep inside me, I don't want him to stop.
He leans back, taking me along with him. I rest against his chest, hearing his heart beating fast after our kiss. I stare in wonder up to him. Was he aroused by my presence beside me?
"Milliard, what do I have to do or say for you to believe me? You know very well I'm not a bisexual. And yet a moment ago I wanted to kiss you so bad I did. At last. Do you know how sweet you taste? Do you know I want to taste your lips anew, and to play with your tongue? I'm telling it to your face. I want to make love to you, to prove to you I want you." He kisses my neck again. His words causes shivers in my spine, as his breath traces a path over the exposed skin. "I'm telling you now, that if you walk away, I won't be coming back. So better decide now."
"Decide-what?"
"If you'll let me love you. I'll take good care of you, Milliard. On my honor. Or better yet, on my love for you."
Treize was saying all the words I wanted to hear, and yet a memory of doubt still remained. Why the pretense before, why the kisses, the flirtations to the girls?
"Then why did you flirt with Releena?"
"I wanted to find out if you'd get jealous. Do you know it was the worst moment in my life when you turned away from me when they put up the mistletoe? Do you think I wanted to mention Lucrezia's name? For crying out loud I was there ready to be kissed till I pass out, but no, you didn't pay attention to me. Then I made that stupid mistake. You should have seen how hurt your eyes were. I wanted to kiss and make up that same moment but I couldn't. Can we kiss each other now? And make out--I mean make up?" He smiled at his slipup, and I guess he was serious about it. In a manner of speaking.
"You have a weird way of loving someone, you know that?" I try escaping, except that he tightened his hold on my waist. "You flirt with girls, tease me to another..."
"You almost forgot, you teased me to Une..."
"I did not!!!"
He looks at me with serious blue eyes, asking me while daring me to say a good reason why I was trying to negate what he just said. "Then why all the references to Une?"
"I--I truly thought you came here to see her..."
"Even when she told you I loved someone else? Do you know that I flirted with the girls to see if I really am in love with you? I didn't feel a thing while I flirted with them. All I wanted to do was to make love to you, to flirt with you. But you kept turning away. Do you know what that did to my ego?"
"It must have been flattened by a steamroller."
"Flattened! Now you need to make up for those moments of hurt by kissing me right now."
"I didn't say anything."
"But you told me so much when I kissed you. You love me, Milliard. All you need to do is say it to me, those three simple words. I love you."
"And what would you do if I didn't?"
"Then I'll leave you in peace." He releases me slowly. "You have to decide, Milliard. I won't be here forever."
"Treize, you are incorrigible."
"So do not--"
"--Incorringe me." It was such an old joke, but it showed how much we think alike. Was this a dream? No, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the warmth from Treize right now, but somehow I can't believe he wanted me the way I wanted him. Can it be we did love each other?
He seems to sense my thinking. He drew me close again to press a kiss on my eyelids.
"I was speaking the truth when I said you were my salvation, you know. Dreams about you kept me trying to live." He sits up for a moment to capture my hand, and then held it against his lips, to warm it. "When I awoke, I was in a hospital, but they told me I was in a coma the whole time. For six months, I've been in the brink of death, but in there, in that coma, I dreamt of you. At first, all I saw was a fall of platinum hair, but then it grew clearer and clearer, the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Always I see this person leading my way through the darkness by the sheen of his unusual hair. Then I saw his face, one morning, and it was you. I knew then I had to go back to you. Do you know I've always wanted to touch your hair? I've wondered whether they feel like silk, just like what I imagine. Now I know they're even silkier than silk." He keeps on sidetracking, touching my hair, and I pull away.
"Treize, you've forgotten something very important. We're not kids like the other Gundam pilots. We have to think about the people around us too. What would your mother and father say? Think what people who came from Oz would think--"
"Milliard, I do not care. People who love each other like the way I love you don't think of such concerns, unless this is your way of saying you don't love me the way I love you. You have to say it out loud, Milliard. For me and the rest of the world to hear. Is it so hard to say those three words?"
"The truth?"
"Yes. Milliard, please, don't lie to me now..."
I move away, to gain control of my thoughts. He was too near, he presses on to people's thoughts just by being there, solid and material. "It's hard to say because this is all so sudden. You suddenly barge in saying you love me, when all this time I've just been waiting for you to make the first move. Wait," I tell him as he was about to say something, "--there's more. It took you a long time to admit it to me too, I've noticed. What does that mean? It's been hard for you too, Treize, so don't expect me to get swept off my feet just because you said those words. I've got to think things over. It may sound so cold, after all your ardent professions, but it's the way I do things. If you truly loved me, you will let me think things over and I'll be happy to tell you my decision when it's the right time."
"Milliard, if you're going to think it over, can't I take an active part in persuading you?"
"How's that?"
"There's a restaurant I want to try out, so if you would like to go out with me tonight, I can get reservations right about now."
"A restaurant? Tonight?" My mind must've slowed down, because I'm repeating all of his words. What was wrong with me? Overcome with the thought Treize was going to take me out to dinner, like a date?
Wait a minute...is this a date?
I voice out the question, hesitation evident.
"You want to--date me?"
"Yes." A simple answer. The sincerity in his eyes could not be doubted.
He is so serious about this. I'm almost afraid of the intensity of his complete devotion in winning me over. I want to stop, to take a breath, to think coherently, to do things normally but he's giving me no time. I guess it's just typically Treize, employing a blitz krieg attack when it suited him. I didn't think I'd be able to express my acceptance to everything he said just now. The word 'yes' seems so brief, so cold. Will he understand that if I said 'yes', it meant I said yes to everything he wanted, meaning love and everything?
I finally find the right words.
"Treize-kun, daisuki."
And then he smiled, reaching to touch my cheek with gentle fingers. If this was real, I don't want to wake up anymore. I held his wrist in both my hands, enjoying his touch. This was all I know. It was this that keeps me alive.
His voice was deep as he stroked my cheek, then traced my earlobe. "I know it won't be easy, and we have a lot of ditches and mistakes down the road, but as we travel, I hope we get to where we should be, which is a place where we can love each other completely, two souls communing in the deep recesses of silence, knowing that love was all that mattered, and that no matter how hard it's going to be, we'd be there for each other." He lowers his hand to my neck, caressing it. His eyes never left me for a moment, and turned a deeper, shimmering blue. "This is what I can promise now, Milliard. I will keep by your side as we travel down the road, and I'd protect you and save you as I could, because I can never stand seeing hurt in your eyes. Do you know that, Milliard? That I can't stand seeing you sad? I feel like I've been stabbed every time I see the hurt enter your eyes, especially when it's because of me. This time there will be no hurt, only love and laughter and joy. I'll give that to you, to make up for all the times, oh, so much precious time, we lost."
And for the moment, it was all I needed to hear.
"Treize, I'd want to travel that road with you."
"As long as we're together, Milliard."
I know it wasn't going to be easy, but still I can only dream of the things that would happen, as we explore the different signs of love on the way. But Treize was with me, and I know that even if it was so hard I'd think of giving up, as long as I have Treize, it didn't matter, because this burden would be as light as a feather with his love to support me.
And we both knew that, as we smiled at each other in my balcony.
Life without love: Chapter 4
A Gundam Wing fan fiction
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DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"
"Hitoshi, do you want to come with me to town? I have to do some last minute gift buying, and well, you might want to come with me, to buy gifts for Angel and Treize," I speak up during tea. Hitoshi looks sullen at the mention of Treize's name. He obviously wanted to be here when Releena came back from a shopping trip with Angel.
Une agrees for him, saying it was a great thing for me to actually show a want to go out of the cabin, and it would be a waste if I didn't, wouldn't it? This was met with laughter from the others, but Hitoshi starts eyeing us like a pair of cobras suddenly coming to life. We were so obviously a pair of conspirators, it was a wonder Hitoshi didn't call our bluff off immediately.
And so, Hitoshi, willingly or unwillingly, sits beside me as I drive the pickup to town. "How's it been, Hitoshi? Sorry I haven't been much of a host to you and Releena, considering you went down for the holidays because of me..."
"It's okay. Your friends are neat. I wish I was in a better mood to treat them right. Just that-" And Hitoshi sighs, making me realize that though he was twenty or so already, Releena was the first girl he had let himself get close to. And it must hurt for that girl to prefer an older man's company.
"Trouble?"
"Yeah, sort of. What is it with Treize that girls go gaga on him? It's not as if he was rich like Quatre or talented like Trowa or cheerful like Duo, and hell, Heero is such a good hacker I've learned a thing or two from him. And he doesn't speak as fluently as your Chinese scholar Wu fei, but there was Une almost crying when she heard he was alive. Who was he, anyway? Sounds to me he's like a hotshot or something."
"Sort of. Treize has charm, and I've seen him turn it on like a light bulb before a girl." I turn left. "Don't feel so bad because he's charming. It's not as if girls don't like you too."
"Heck, but girls just like me. They positively drool over him. If I could just get a cigarette I'd probably be smoking like a chimney due to the stress I am in."
"I thought you didn't smoke."
"I used to, but meeting Releena, well...we met once in this state dinner sort of thing, and there was a bunch of old guys smoking like it was a men's club, and then she turned to me, because I was the one beside her, and asked if I could lead her outside. Can't refuse a girl, right? When we got out, she told me she couldn't stand the smoke inside, and just as I was about to reach for a cigarette. And she a diplomat, telling me such an undiplomatic thing, because all of those guys were like-ambassadors. Made me think I should at least let this girl enjoy some clean air. And I've dropped the habit completely, knowing that if I smoked in secret, I'd just itch for one in her presence, and where would we be?" He takes out a lighter, playing with it in his hands. "Still kept the lighter and that cigarette I was about to smoke, as a reminder. She's the sort of girl I thought I could make myself do right for, but now she's attached to Treize, and it hurts me. How would you feel if the girl you practically declared yourself to chases another guy? Sorry, Mr. Peacecraft, but it's the truth. I love her, I'll do anything I can for her, even let her have Treize, but somehow I can't stop myself from hating him for it. I courted her first, and don't I deserve to be the one she'd fall for?"
"Releena may not really like him..."
"Yeah, and Treize might turn into a frog if I wished hard enough."
"Hitoshi, are you going to let Treize get her just because you've been rude to her, to him, and to everyone?"
"No, but, can't help it if I felt that way. I was actually planning to ask you for your permission to let me marry her, but now that Treize's in the picture--she doesn't seem to like me anymore."
"Did you tell her you loved her?"
"Yes-no-sort of. I thought she understood me, when we talked about being together until we grew old in the Space Colonies. I know I should tell her that, but how? Treize would be here during Christmas, when I'm supposed to give her this." Hitoshi now takes out a pouch, and out spills a y-shaped chain of silver, with creamy pink pearls placed at equal intervals. Another pinkish pearl pendant dangled from it, gleaming softly. It was a simple yet charming piece, and I knew it suited Releena. But Hitoshi looks uncertain. "Do you think I should give it to her?"
"Yes, and tell her what you feel. I'm glad you told me, but it would hurt her if she learned her brother knew her friend loved her before she did. I think you and she suit each other, and now, if you don't mind telling Treize to back off, I'm sure you will find Treize willing to bow down to you, since you love her, and I guess Treize just needed a target for flirtations. It's not bad, but I don't know. Treize is supposed to be in love with someone, but I guess he doesn't love my sister, if he could stay between you and her. You were willing to let her go, right?"
"Yes, if that was what she wanted."
"That's how love is."
Yes, that's how love is, to be willing to let the person you love go. I'll let Treize go, I'll let him love as he wanted to love, even if it hurts me. That was how Hitoshi loved Releena, and that is how I can love Treize.
I corner my sister right after, taking her to the balcony. "What is it, Milliard?"
"It's been a long time since we had our talks, sis, and I thought I'd spend some time with you. You've been skiing so often, or in one of the onsens, I rarely see you."
"I'm sorry, Milliard. I've been neglectful of you, haven't I? Well, I shouldn't have set out to enjoy the vacation so badly."
"I don't mean to be so mean as to let you not enjoy the vacation. I know you need it so much, but I miss you too."
"Me too." She hugs me. "So, what do you want to talk about?"
"You did say there were developments concerning Hitoshi. I was wondering--"
"Not you too! Why is everyone curious what I have with Hitoshi or Treize or anyone else for that matter? Can't I be a normal girl to like someone and hang around them without having people asking me what was wrong with me and what relationship we had with each other?" She does and about face, leaving me.
I just watch her go. I hurt for her, but there was jealousy too, and I thought it'll be best to let her cool of. This talk failed.
Christmas eve's a happy time of chatter and caroling. The Khushrenadas are staying over, and so the girls are chatting, the guys are drinking brandy spiked eggnog as they listened. Releena had forgiven me, but she did not let herself be open to the topic after that. The fire burns merrily in the fireplace. It was a cheerful scene. The lights in the Christmas tree glow, not twinkled, as Quatre insisted on, reflecting on the gleaming wooden floor. The tree was decorated with handcrafted decorations they dug from the attic, and it was a beautiful, homey tree. Gifts of every size, shape and color were there, piled high.
And I am outside, in the balcony, looking out at the star filled sky. Not in the mood to chat, to reminisce. It was wonderful to just plan, to think of getting away as soon as possible before Christmas dawned on us. There was a valise packed in my room, hidden away, of course, since Treize was going to share my room for the night, and all my other stuff was in the suitcases I carried into this resort. I'll send for it when I'm in Sanque already. My gifts to the others are under the Christmas tree, it's only my shining, smiling presence that is necessary inside and on Christmas.
But I won't be here on Christmas.
Yes, I can't. It's the season of giving, and I'm going to give Treize and me some breathing space. I have no idea what to do. It was wonderful, I know, to be with friends on Christmas day, but still...
"Saint Milliard, suffering the cold anew for our sins." Treize steps out, carrying two mugs. "I don't know what is it with you and this balcony, but so far as I've heard, you spend every waking moment here except for dinner. There was even a time a blizzard came down on you and you stayed out even when you were about to die of hypothermia here."
"It's very isolated, you see. No one comes out. I like the peace." I hint him away. "Shouldn't you prefer the warm room inside? There is Une and the others."
"Hitoshi's too busy glaring at me to make me enjoy the scene." He takes a sip of eggnog. "What's wrong with him? Did he come up to scratch already? Releena told me she needed help to find out if Hitoshi liked her any more than a friend, that's why I've been spending so much time with her."
"You--you did that because Releena--"
"Yes. Why else would I? I don't like her any more than a sister."
"Well, Hitoshi might just come up to scratch today. Anyway, I would have expected you to be with that person Une told me about."
"That person Une told you about? Which person? Who?"
"She told me you are in love with this girl."
"She did, did she?" Treize was suddenly silent, thinking. "I am in love, and I was planning to ask this person tomorrow if we shared the same feelings for each other. I was wondering--would you mind if I borrow your balcony for tomorrow so I can talk to--"
I interject quickly. Too quickly. "Oh, I don't mind. Where is she, anyway? Will she be coming down from the Space Colonies?"
"No, I think we'll meet each other here. Will you wish me luck, Milliard?"
I look up at him. What is he wanting to do, kill me slowly? His eyes are glittering, telling me things I didn't understand, things I had no idea of interpreting. Sweet, slow death. I whisper something appropriate, I guess, but I was about to run inside, not wanting to hurt any more. I had the door open. All I need to do was take two more steps forward...
A grip like a vise on my arm.
Silent words, almost inaudible because of the noise coming from inside.
"Don't go."
Was he aware it would just hurt me so much if I stayed? How can I stay here, listening to him talk about the love of his life, knowing he would never love me? Knowing he can never be mine? Knowing he loved another? If there was a God He'll not make me hurt so such, would he?
"Treize, it'll be so much better for both of us if I go. It's Christmas Eve. I'd better get in, before they open up one of the gifts. I don't want Duo opening up my present because I'm not there." I put up that false cheery front again, like Duo's naturally cheerful façade, knowing he wasn't fooled for a second, but being unable to do anything more.
"Milliard-I..."
We both freeze at the sound of approaching people.
"-what is wrong with you? You've been acting weird the whole week!" Releena, annoyed, was coming near to where we were, judging from her voice.
"Who wouldn't act weird when you're here going bonkers over Treize. Tell me for the last time, who do you like more, anyway? Me or Treize?" It was Hitoshi, emboldened most likely by the brandy and the anger he'd been keeping inside him these past few weeks.
"What a stupid question! I will not even deign to answer that!"
"Hah, just afraid I'll learn you don't love me as much as I love you!"
"What are you talking about? I do-oomph!" Then silence. She sounded like she'd been abruptly cut off. Worried about my sister, I turn the corner to look at what's happening, not caring what Treize was going to do. Treize restrained me to keep me in place, but I was faster.
Hitoshi, kissing my sister like it was the only thing that he wanted to do. Releena was limp in his arms, clinging to his arms for dear life. I stand there, mute, shocked.
"I love you, that's the truth, Releena..." he whispers, heart-brokenly, full of pain and sadness. They're both unaware of our presence. "If you want Treize, then it's okay, but I can't let you go away without even kissing you once."
"Hitoshi-" She draws his face close to hers anew, looking into his eyes.
"What?"
"I--love--you--too."
Their reunion was swift and fierce. I really shouldn't be seeing this, but I couldn't move. Treize beckons for me to move back to the balcony, but I'd rather not. Might as well clear things up. And I didn't want to be alone with Treize with my nerves like this. I was in no mood to keep up my cheerful front. I cough for them to realize I'm here, and they quickly break away, so red and guilty I kind of pity them on getting caught.
"Milliard...it's not...I mean..." Releena, known for her diplomatic skills, has suddenly turned speechless. She bows her head to hide her face at the crook of his neck. He was so red, but didn't duck, looking at me straight in the eye. He took it like a man, and I'm surprised by the maturity he showed.
"It's all my fault, Mr. Peacecraft. I told her I loved her." Hitoshi looks uncomfortable too. But when he saw Treize his chin juts challengingly.
"So we heard." Treize steps forward. "I hope you learn discretion in handling relationships, Hitoshi. Anyone could have heard you. Declaring in the hallways is definitely not in style."
"Treize!" My sister and I chorus as Hitoshi looks about to kill the handsome man anew.
"This does not concern you, Mr. Khushrenada. I do not care what you think of me, but all I want to do is prove what has been true for a long time." Hitoshi places an arm around Releena's shoulder. Treize shook his head, indicating he was blameless.
"Just kidding. I congratulate you, Hitoshi. In truth, I was only helping out a friend in need when I did the things I did, so please do not think of killing me for the moment." He extends a hand, smiling his sincerity. "I didn't stand a chance against you when it comes to this girl."
Hitoshi smiles back, and shakes his hand.
"Thanks."
And I'm so glad the animosity's gone. Can't spend the first and last Christmas Eve Treize and I will ever be celebrating together with him at swords drawn with my prospective brother-in-law.
Releena taps Hitoshi's shoulder, whispering something, and they left both of us. I am again alone with the person I loved completely.
"So, can you take me up to our room? I want to be fresh and cheerful tomorrow." He smiles at me, and I could not refuse. We were both silent as we went up. I open the door and turn on the light. There it was, the two identical beds, side-by-side, just like how we will be tonight. His valise was there, by the foot of my bed. I sense him coming nearer...
"I--I have to check on something," I stammer, leaving him alone in the room. I close the door behind me, leaning on it, glad I am at last free from him. For a while.
Last day, last time. If Treize stepped in Sanque soil, it'll be the moment I step off it for a trumped up diplomatic mission. I have to stop seeing him, to stop feeling hurt in the thought he had never loved me the way I loved him, because he's there, loving a faceless, nameless person. Who made the feeling of love, anyway? It only hurt half of the time, and the other half was spent feeling deliriously happy, you make people hate you for your cheerful attitude.
I'm just bad-mouthing love, because I hurt so much. Maybe if Treize loved me too, it wouldn't be so bad, but it wasn't the case. I'd better go out now, to see them go down to open the gifts under the tree. Spending the night with Treize bunking with me was not the best or the worst experience I've had. I didn't sleep a wink anyway, too uncomfortable with him on the spare bed beside me to try sleep. I really, really hate going away, but what was I to do? I enjoy the sunrise for one last time, and then plan to go.
"I told you I'll be borrowing your balcony."
Treize. Oh, God, was this a punishment? Do I have to die every time I see him, die because I know I'll never say my feelings to him, knowing he loved, as I loved, truly, madly, but for another girl? I want to say, go away, love this other girl, just the way I love you. Let her run her fingers through your hair, as I have longed to do. Let her touch your face with caressing fingers, as I want to. Let her kiss you, as I...
I turn away, too hurt to even think of looking into his wonderful blue eyes.
"I have a gift for you."
"Really? Thanks. I'll open it later." He steps forward, putting a small box in my hand. It was flat and fitted my palm perfectly. He tilts my chin up, so I can look into his serious blue eyes. Why is it he's been looking at me that way the whole time? Like he wanted to read what was going in my mind? I wanted to know him, completely, purely, his reasons, his thoughts, and his feelings. That was what all I wanted to do.
Before he declares himself to be in love with another person.
"I want you to open it before me, so I can see what you think about it." He smiles. "It took me a long time to look for it, so I want to know if you like it."
"Oh. Okay." I undo the ribbon, and remove the top of the box. Buried under tissue that whispered as I undid them was a silver chain, from which hung a Celtic cross, made of silver too, slim and very beautiful. It was decorated with intricate curlicues and embedded semi-precious stones. It was an eighteenth century piece, and even I with my untrained eyes, could see that. "Thank you, Treize. I don't know what to say, but the book I was going to give you pales in comparison to this."
"What book?"
"An anthology by Kahlil Gibran. I thought you'd appreciate it too. It's an original print. I found it in this obscure little bookshop in Sanque."
"Thanks. I know how much you treasure those books." He lifts up the chain. "May I put it on you?"
"Uh...sure." I lift my hair, and he walks behind me, fastening the chain. His touch brought shivers down my spine. Though they were light, the warmth in them could not be disguised by the thick pile of my sweater. He moves to face me again, and touches the cross.
"When I saw this I thought of you."
"Why? Saint Milliard?" I quip, getting the wisecrack from him. "Always ready to sacrifice himself to the cold, as you said late night?"
His eyes reveals hurt at the quip, and I turn away, so as not to see his eyes, afraid I'll break down and say I wanted him, in every possible way. Yes, even in a sexual way. I know he would be a strong lover, insatiable, tender, and yes, sensual, even without any experience of it.
He catches my chin, forcing me to look at him. His voice was soft, his words clear...
"No, Milliard. Because you are my salvation."
"What...?" I stare at him, not believing what I was hearing. I can't be hearing this, can I? It must be a dream. But he feels so real. I can touch him, feel him. I can't believe this, he must be kidding. And what a cruel, cruel joke. I look into his eyes, but there was no trace of humor there. Instead, I saw a curious light flickering in them, there, as it had always been, every time he looked at me. I turn away, but he caught my arm, spinning me to look at my eyes. He touched my cheek, gently, then dropping his hand to my arm to grip it.
"Listen to me first, Milliard. Please. I'm being fully honest to you now. Listen, please."
"But I thought--" I swallow. "You're wait--"
He shakes his head, putting his dark blond hair to disarray. How I want to run my fingers through it!
"I'm waiting for no one else, please, I want to tell you what I feel for you."
He's making it hard for me to listen. I'm half-afraid to find out if he liked me in any way, because if I learned he didn't want me as I wanted him, I'm going to be hurt, completely.
"What do you feel?"
"That I need you, Milliard. That's what I feel. I'm being honest with myself, so be honest with me too. Tell me if you feel the same way. Please?"
It was my turn to shake my head. "Treize, I'm being honest. There can't be anything more between us than friendship. You know why. We're both guys! I was hoping, in a way, that it could be us, but hoping is not the same thing as expecting..."
He was a brilliant strategist, and I knew that. But I hardly expected his next move.
He spins me around and kisses me.
He was warm, exploring me like he truly wanted to. I could feel his hands sliding down my waist, gripping my hips to bring me closer. His tongue seeked entrance to my mouth, and he gave me soft kisses to soften me into letting him kiss me deeply. His tongue twined with mine, caressing it, playing with it, stirring me. I kissed him back, holding tightly to his shoulders, clinging, afraid I'll wake up from this dream, this wonderful sensual dream...I was drowning in desire after that. All I wanted was to kiss him back. He supports me completely, as I finally broke away from his kiss, weak and clinging.
"Can't...mustn't..."
"Can--must." He shakes me. I feel so boneless, I melt to him. "I love you."
"I don't believe you, mustn't believe you." I turn away. I feel so cold. I didn't realize how cold this balcony was before. Was it because I've felt warmth and love, at last?
He captures me by the waist, tugging at my sweater's collar, exposing my nape, then warming it with his mouth. He kisses it, lifting away my hair, putting it over my shoulder, as he pulls me back to my chair, making me sit at his lap. He's so strong, even while I tried pushing him away, I knew it was futile.
And deep inside me, I don't want him to stop.
He leans back, taking me along with him. I rest against his chest, hearing his heart beating fast after our kiss. I stare in wonder up to him. Was he aroused by my presence beside me?
"Milliard, what do I have to do or say for you to believe me? You know very well I'm not a bisexual. And yet a moment ago I wanted to kiss you so bad I did. At last. Do you know how sweet you taste? Do you know I want to taste your lips anew, and to play with your tongue? I'm telling it to your face. I want to make love to you, to prove to you I want you." He kisses my neck again. His words causes shivers in my spine, as his breath traces a path over the exposed skin. "I'm telling you now, that if you walk away, I won't be coming back. So better decide now."
"Decide-what?"
"If you'll let me love you. I'll take good care of you, Milliard. On my honor. Or better yet, on my love for you."
Treize was saying all the words I wanted to hear, and yet a memory of doubt still remained. Why the pretense before, why the kisses, the flirtations to the girls?
"Then why did you flirt with Releena?"
"I wanted to find out if you'd get jealous. Do you know it was the worst moment in my life when you turned away from me when they put up the mistletoe? Do you think I wanted to mention Lucrezia's name? For crying out loud I was there ready to be kissed till I pass out, but no, you didn't pay attention to me. Then I made that stupid mistake. You should have seen how hurt your eyes were. I wanted to kiss and make up that same moment but I couldn't. Can we kiss each other now? And make out--I mean make up?" He smiled at his slipup, and I guess he was serious about it. In a manner of speaking.
"You have a weird way of loving someone, you know that?" I try escaping, except that he tightened his hold on my waist. "You flirt with girls, tease me to another..."
"You almost forgot, you teased me to Une..."
"I did not!!!"
He looks at me with serious blue eyes, asking me while daring me to say a good reason why I was trying to negate what he just said. "Then why all the references to Une?"
"I--I truly thought you came here to see her..."
"Even when she told you I loved someone else? Do you know that I flirted with the girls to see if I really am in love with you? I didn't feel a thing while I flirted with them. All I wanted to do was to make love to you, to flirt with you. But you kept turning away. Do you know what that did to my ego?"
"It must have been flattened by a steamroller."
"Flattened! Now you need to make up for those moments of hurt by kissing me right now."
"I didn't say anything."
"But you told me so much when I kissed you. You love me, Milliard. All you need to do is say it to me, those three simple words. I love you."
"And what would you do if I didn't?"
"Then I'll leave you in peace." He releases me slowly. "You have to decide, Milliard. I won't be here forever."
"Treize, you are incorrigible."
"So do not--"
"--Incorringe me." It was such an old joke, but it showed how much we think alike. Was this a dream? No, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the warmth from Treize right now, but somehow I can't believe he wanted me the way I wanted him. Can it be we did love each other?
He seems to sense my thinking. He drew me close again to press a kiss on my eyelids.
"I was speaking the truth when I said you were my salvation, you know. Dreams about you kept me trying to live." He sits up for a moment to capture my hand, and then held it against his lips, to warm it. "When I awoke, I was in a hospital, but they told me I was in a coma the whole time. For six months, I've been in the brink of death, but in there, in that coma, I dreamt of you. At first, all I saw was a fall of platinum hair, but then it grew clearer and clearer, the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Always I see this person leading my way through the darkness by the sheen of his unusual hair. Then I saw his face, one morning, and it was you. I knew then I had to go back to you. Do you know I've always wanted to touch your hair? I've wondered whether they feel like silk, just like what I imagine. Now I know they're even silkier than silk." He keeps on sidetracking, touching my hair, and I pull away.
"Treize, you've forgotten something very important. We're not kids like the other Gundam pilots. We have to think about the people around us too. What would your mother and father say? Think what people who came from Oz would think--"
"Milliard, I do not care. People who love each other like the way I love you don't think of such concerns, unless this is your way of saying you don't love me the way I love you. You have to say it out loud, Milliard. For me and the rest of the world to hear. Is it so hard to say those three words?"
"The truth?"
"Yes. Milliard, please, don't lie to me now..."
I move away, to gain control of my thoughts. He was too near, he presses on to people's thoughts just by being there, solid and material. "It's hard to say because this is all so sudden. You suddenly barge in saying you love me, when all this time I've just been waiting for you to make the first move. Wait," I tell him as he was about to say something, "--there's more. It took you a long time to admit it to me too, I've noticed. What does that mean? It's been hard for you too, Treize, so don't expect me to get swept off my feet just because you said those words. I've got to think things over. It may sound so cold, after all your ardent professions, but it's the way I do things. If you truly loved me, you will let me think things over and I'll be happy to tell you my decision when it's the right time."
"Milliard, if you're going to think it over, can't I take an active part in persuading you?"
"How's that?"
"There's a restaurant I want to try out, so if you would like to go out with me tonight, I can get reservations right about now."
"A restaurant? Tonight?" My mind must've slowed down, because I'm repeating all of his words. What was wrong with me? Overcome with the thought Treize was going to take me out to dinner, like a date?
Wait a minute...is this a date?
I voice out the question, hesitation evident.
"You want to--date me?"
"Yes." A simple answer. The sincerity in his eyes could not be doubted.
He is so serious about this. I'm almost afraid of the intensity of his complete devotion in winning me over. I want to stop, to take a breath, to think coherently, to do things normally but he's giving me no time. I guess it's just typically Treize, employing a blitz krieg attack when it suited him. I didn't think I'd be able to express my acceptance to everything he said just now. The word 'yes' seems so brief, so cold. Will he understand that if I said 'yes', it meant I said yes to everything he wanted, meaning love and everything?
I finally find the right words.
"Treize-kun, daisuki."
And then he smiled, reaching to touch my cheek with gentle fingers. If this was real, I don't want to wake up anymore. I held his wrist in both my hands, enjoying his touch. This was all I know. It was this that keeps me alive.
His voice was deep as he stroked my cheek, then traced my earlobe. "I know it won't be easy, and we have a lot of ditches and mistakes down the road, but as we travel, I hope we get to where we should be, which is a place where we can love each other completely, two souls communing in the deep recesses of silence, knowing that love was all that mattered, and that no matter how hard it's going to be, we'd be there for each other." He lowers his hand to my neck, caressing it. His eyes never left me for a moment, and turned a deeper, shimmering blue. "This is what I can promise now, Milliard. I will keep by your side as we travel down the road, and I'd protect you and save you as I could, because I can never stand seeing hurt in your eyes. Do you know that, Milliard? That I can't stand seeing you sad? I feel like I've been stabbed every time I see the hurt enter your eyes, especially when it's because of me. This time there will be no hurt, only love and laughter and joy. I'll give that to you, to make up for all the times, oh, so much precious time, we lost."
And for the moment, it was all I needed to hear.
"Treize, I'd want to travel that road with you."
"As long as we're together, Milliard."
I know it wasn't going to be easy, but still I can only dream of the things that would happen, as we explore the different signs of love on the way. But Treize was with me, and I know that even if it was so hard I'd think of giving up, as long as I have Treize, it didn't matter, because this burden would be as light as a feather with his love to support me.
And we both knew that, as we smiled at each other in my balcony.
