I wonder if I could use my magic if I tried. Probably not. It's not like I care enough to try. I lost all my willpower an eternity ago. I don't care anymore. Does that bother you? It bothers me. I mean, I should care, right? When you stop caring, you're dead. I must care about something. Because I'm not dead. They won't let me die.
They. When I find out who they are, I will have one happy day. It will be their last day and the best day of mine. I will not kill them. I lost my interest in Death about the same time it told me to fuck off and skipped town. Death won't touch me. So I'll be damned if I give him any victims to leech off of. He'll take me first.
If I tore my own neck off, do you think they would care? Would they try to save me? Probably. This is their sick game. I'm Victim, and they're a bunch of bastards who couldn't tell their faces from Voldemort's ass. I hope they piss God off.
Speaking of God... I hate You. I am the cursed one. Am I your punching bag? Your fucktoy for days when you're bored? Do you turn to me and say, "Ah, hell, there's only minor chaos and death today. Let's go and screw with his life. Maybe we can send him to Azkaban again!" and then I'm your uke again. "Let's fuck up his life so bad this time that he'll just stop caring!"
You did one hell of a job, God. Let me be the first to congradulate you... Oh, I understand. It's hard to be God with only one hand.
I wish I'd told Lupin I'd loved him....
This emotionless color is starting to get to me. I screamed today. I thought I ehard something... I know I heard something. In this hellish. nightmarish place, you cannot mistake sound. It has been so long since I have heard anything but my blasted heart and my damned breathing that I knew it was true instantly.
Damn them, they love this. This is their sick game. They're fucking with me the same way god does-- YOU'LL NEVER BREAK ME! I hate you, I hate you all. One day I'll escape for the soul purpose of killing you all! I never did anything! I was good little fucktoy. I didn't try to go all suicidal or anything... I toughed it out. And you're pushing the limit, you assholes.
I was the rash one, the stupid prat. I would give all the magic and gold in the world for a time turner. I want to go back and kick my own ass all over Hogsmeade. I want to grab my own shoulders and shake myself and scream, "You idiot! You git, you stupid prat, you're foul and insane! You'll never get it, will you? You'll end up like me and then you'll see it all too late that nothing matters and it's NOT all about the next drink or ride! See, damn you! Stop being so blind and ignorant and SEE!"
I want to tell Harry I really did try my best...
I'm sorry, James. I didn't protect you. I tried to warn you. I was too late... I knew Peter was doing something behind our backs but I should have known... I'm so sorry... I shoudl have killed that slimeball when I had the chance. I should have ignored Harry and just killed him. I knew something was up since the day he turned into a rat. Why didn't it ring bells when that was the animal best suited for him?
Harry, I loved you too. You were too much like James. Everything... everything except those eyes of your's and the way you went into things without a care. You got those from Lily. You should have know her, Harry. No one could hate her. Voldemort couldn't hate her.
I'm stupid and I'm worthless. I've never done anything right. I'm only good for brute force. I don't have a brain worth mentioning. I should have just left for good. I can't do any harm here, at least. No harm except to myself.
Do you hate me, God? Do you enjoy watching me twitch as I realize that no one cares! Do you get some sick, perverted pleasure out of watching me cry, out of watching me wonder and strain to see anything but only seeing this endless emotionless color? Do you like to fuck with me, God?
I am nothing.
I have truly wasted this existance.
