Life, Chapter 4
finale (unless you guys want more... I might bunch this together as a prologue and make
a plot, if ya'll want)
black beyond
~'~
Sirius's POV (as usual)
What the bloody fucking hell did I ever do to you, God? Just tell me that and I swear I'll never speak to you again. I want to know how you can do this to a human being and still sleep at night. I don't even think that bastard Voldemort could do it, and yet you do it on a regular basis.
If I were you, I'd be afraid to let me die, God. After what you put me through, I would be so fucking afraid to let me die. Because believe me, I will find a way to kill you. I will find a way to make you feel pain like you've never felt before. I want to rip your chest open and made you see all the wonderful blackness in your chest and the mottled purple of your heart as you die, and I want you to feel at least half the pain I feel.
You killed Lupin.
I could have forgave you for trapping me in the recesses of my own mind, placing me in that colorless hell-hole just because you felt like. I could have forgave you for everything else.
And then I wake up. They say I've fucking been in a coma. Lupin's dead. Dumbledore's dead. Ron's half-there from the Crucio curse.
What is the matter with you? Why can't you just leave people alone? Why can't you just sit back and play with the colors? Why do you have to torture people who don't deserve it? Ron was just a kid. Dumbledore was the most honorable man I have ever met.
And I loved Lupin.
That's the reason you let him die, wasn't it? That's the entire reason. I killed Lupin. You let him die because it was the only thing keeping me sane. Dumbledore helped me so you killed him. Ron liked me so you hurt him.
Fuck you.
Do you hear me? Fuck you. FUCK YOU. You've won, okay? You've FUCKING WON! No matter what you do, people still worship you and still love you and still fucking BELIEVE IN YOU. They KILL FOR YOU. WHY? How can they still believe when you torture them like this... you kill babies and mothers and little boys and girls and Lupin...
How do you sleep?
I'm insane. I'm out of my mind. There's no use telling you off anymore. You hate me. I'm your little punching bag, your fucktoy, your uke. Having a bad day? Let's knock Sirius out, throw him in a little room in his mind, kill the man he loves and then just for kicks, kill off a few more!
Having a good day? Oh, that's right! You don't *have* good days. But on those really boring days, you let me out of the coma and watch me scream at the doctors who tell me that I've been in a coma and that Lupin's dead. Listen to me keep screaming even after they say, "Look at the bright side, chum. You-Know-Who's gone!"
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE? There's no bright side! All the beautiful colors left the moment he did. Nothing matters. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. I can't even walk outside without you reminding me of him.
And you let me live, God. Living without Lupin isn't living.
He didn't deserve it. He was a beautiful, kind, loving, warm person, something this warped little place you gave us needs. He was everything and more... and you killed him! What is it? Do you have a bet with Lucifer on who can fuck this place up fastest? Or who can make me loose it completely and go fucking bonkers and start cursing every thing that so much as twitches the wrong way? Is that it? Tired of starting massacres and wars, Jehovah, ol' chum? Starting in on individuals now?
Yet... the world still turns. You'll still be up there and I'll still be down here, no matter what. And Lupin will still be gone. I'll never forgive you for that, you know. You could have at least waited. I never told him I loved him. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME TELL HIM!
Do you see this? Tears. I'm crying-- does that MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I'm crying.
I just wanted him to know...
That's all...
---------
sorry it took so long!!!
finale (unless you guys want more... I might bunch this together as a prologue and make
a plot, if ya'll want)
black beyond
~'~
Sirius's POV (as usual)
What the bloody fucking hell did I ever do to you, God? Just tell me that and I swear I'll never speak to you again. I want to know how you can do this to a human being and still sleep at night. I don't even think that bastard Voldemort could do it, and yet you do it on a regular basis.
If I were you, I'd be afraid to let me die, God. After what you put me through, I would be so fucking afraid to let me die. Because believe me, I will find a way to kill you. I will find a way to make you feel pain like you've never felt before. I want to rip your chest open and made you see all the wonderful blackness in your chest and the mottled purple of your heart as you die, and I want you to feel at least half the pain I feel.
You killed Lupin.
I could have forgave you for trapping me in the recesses of my own mind, placing me in that colorless hell-hole just because you felt like. I could have forgave you for everything else.
And then I wake up. They say I've fucking been in a coma. Lupin's dead. Dumbledore's dead. Ron's half-there from the Crucio curse.
What is the matter with you? Why can't you just leave people alone? Why can't you just sit back and play with the colors? Why do you have to torture people who don't deserve it? Ron was just a kid. Dumbledore was the most honorable man I have ever met.
And I loved Lupin.
That's the reason you let him die, wasn't it? That's the entire reason. I killed Lupin. You let him die because it was the only thing keeping me sane. Dumbledore helped me so you killed him. Ron liked me so you hurt him.
Fuck you.
Do you hear me? Fuck you. FUCK YOU. You've won, okay? You've FUCKING WON! No matter what you do, people still worship you and still love you and still fucking BELIEVE IN YOU. They KILL FOR YOU. WHY? How can they still believe when you torture them like this... you kill babies and mothers and little boys and girls and Lupin...
How do you sleep?
I'm insane. I'm out of my mind. There's no use telling you off anymore. You hate me. I'm your little punching bag, your fucktoy, your uke. Having a bad day? Let's knock Sirius out, throw him in a little room in his mind, kill the man he loves and then just for kicks, kill off a few more!
Having a good day? Oh, that's right! You don't *have* good days. But on those really boring days, you let me out of the coma and watch me scream at the doctors who tell me that I've been in a coma and that Lupin's dead. Listen to me keep screaming even after they say, "Look at the bright side, chum. You-Know-Who's gone!"
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE? There's no bright side! All the beautiful colors left the moment he did. Nothing matters. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. I can't even walk outside without you reminding me of him.
And you let me live, God. Living without Lupin isn't living.
He didn't deserve it. He was a beautiful, kind, loving, warm person, something this warped little place you gave us needs. He was everything and more... and you killed him! What is it? Do you have a bet with Lucifer on who can fuck this place up fastest? Or who can make me loose it completely and go fucking bonkers and start cursing every thing that so much as twitches the wrong way? Is that it? Tired of starting massacres and wars, Jehovah, ol' chum? Starting in on individuals now?
Yet... the world still turns. You'll still be up there and I'll still be down here, no matter what. And Lupin will still be gone. I'll never forgive you for that, you know. You could have at least waited. I never told him I loved him. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME TELL HIM!
Do you see this? Tears. I'm crying-- does that MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I'm crying.
I just wanted him to know...
That's all...
---------
sorry it took so long!!!
