Summary : Cordelia's POV about her visions

Spoilers : Upcoming episode " Birthday "

Disclaimer : Not mine just borrowing them for a while



Death

It's just a word . A small , tiny word . Then why do we fear it so much . Why do I fear it . I'm 21 years old . I'm not supposed to die . At least not yet . I'm supposed to live a long and healthy life .Mary the man of my dreams and have lots and lots of children . But looking back at those expectations I now know that I should have realized they were never meant to happen . I'm in love with the only man I can never be with . The child I consider to be my own , isn't mine . And the long and healthy life I'm supposed to live is just an illusion.

Skip told me a funny story yesterday . He told me The Powers That Be made a mistake . I was never meant to have the visions . When Doyle gave them to me something went wrong . A human wasn't supposed to carry them . Not because they were incapable .Just because they couldn't . It wasn't physically possible . A mistake . A lot of good that does me . I'm a human and I have visions . So what is supposed to happen to me . I asked him that same question and he just looked at me . Didn't answer ,didn't say a word .Just looked at me . But that look said everything .

So now it's official I'm gonna die . Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week. Maybe not even in a few months .But I will die before I reach the age of 25 .

So that means I have about 4 years left . But hey .You never know .Maybe I get lucky and be killed by some slimy , stinky demon before that happens . Hey wait a moment . That sounded better a few minutes ago .

I have made a desicion though . I won't tell Angel . Or anyone else for that matter . I can't be healed by some magic potion or get better by some whacky spell . Basically there's nothing anyone can do . If I tell the others .They will worry , they will try everything in their power to save me .And I can't allow them to go through that . They will beat themselves up and when I finally do die they will feel guilty about not being able to save me . I want my death to be quick and as normal as possible . Althougt normal doensn't seem really appropriate .

So this is basically my story . About the Powers That Be screwing me over once again . Me dying without the man of my dreams even knowing . And me not being able to see the only child I'll ever have , grow up . Sound sad in a way doesn't it ? But I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I think I have finally excepted it . The fear is still there but not as powerfull as before .But to tell you the truth . Right now I don't feel brave . The only thing I want to do is crawl in Angel's arms and cry . And I want him to tell me everything will be allright and that he won't let anything bad happen to me . But I know that will never happen .