Showerbrooding, part two
Jon Carp
jcarp@med.unc.edu
When I arrived at the cafeteria for breakfast, I was surprised to see Wakaba sitting in my usual seat. Across from her was Miki, who looked haggard and exhausted. I could hear her telling him to "cheer up!" all the way across the room.
As I neared the table, I realized with some concern that Miki's condition was even worse than I had originally thought. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair mussed, his expression downcast. Wakaba noticed me as I approached.
"I'm sorry I took your seat, Juri-sempai," she said, blushing and rising quickly. "I noticed that Miki-kun had the blues, so I came to perk him up."
"That's okay," I replied. I was not just being polite. For the first time, I actually enjoyed seeing Wakaba. She was different than Utena, surely, but she had that same spark of life and innocence.
Wakaba leaned close to Miki. "You need to tell her!" she hissed, cupping her hand over her mouth in an impotent attempt to keep me from hearing. "You know how rumors spread here; it's better that she hears it from you!"
I sat across from Miki and looked him straight in the eye. Wakaba leaned close to me. "Now, sempai, please don't be upset," she said, this time not bothering to cup her hand.
We both looked at Miki, who sighed miserably. "It's Kozue," he muttered after a moment.
Of course it is, I thought. But how does this involve me?
"I... caught her last night. She was... with... another woman."
My eyes narrowed. "Juri-sempai," Wakaba said fearfully, "please don't be upset."
Miki looked me straight in the eye. "It was Shiori-san."
Every single muscle in my body tensed. For a horrible moment, the itching threatened to turn back to pain... but then it subsided.
"Juri-sempai..."
"I'm not upset, Wakaba-san," I said softly.
"When I came upon them, Shiori-san began crying and ran off. Kozue... she just smiled and told me not to worry."
I couldn't think of anything to say. I just kept on gazing straight at Miki.
I guess I made him nervous, because he quickly looked up, blushing. "I'm not upset because I caught Kozue with a woman, Sempai," he said. "It's... I don't even know why she does this to me."
"They are both petty," I said with quiet anger. "Petty little girls."
Wakaba laughed nervously. "Now, come on," she said. " I know you're both upset, but don't be mad at them! They may be a little strange, but you want them both to be happy, right? I mean, Kozue-san is your sister, and Shiori-san is your... your friend, right? Being mad won't make them happy."
I glared at Wakaba, who just grinned back. God, she even somehow looks like Utena now! The same look in those brown eyes: innocent, yet determined, and strangely beautiful.
"What do you think will make them happy, Wakaba-san?" I asked.
"I dunno," Wakaba replied. "Love, probably. Orrrrrrrr... friendship. You know, stuff like that."
She stood up and winked. "I've got some time before my debate club meeting. I'm going to see if I can find Kozue-san or Shiori-san, and if I do, I'm going to say hello and make friends with them." She paused, and thought for a second. "Unless you REALLY ARE mad at them. Then I'll yell and make a big scene!"
"I think we've made enough of a scene right here," I chided, though I wasn't really mad.
Wakaba pouted for a moment, then grinned. "Okay, then," she said. "I'll just leave well-enough alone. That's what Utena-sama would have done."
It's odd how profound the mention of someone's name can be, even when they didn't affect you directly. I suddenly realized what a great loss Wakaba had experienced.
But then, naturally, my mind filled with Shiori again and I couldn't think of anything else.
"Thank you, Wakaba-san," Miki said politely. Wakaba grinned back, nodded to me, and left. Every head in the cafeteria (especially those belonging to men) turned to watch as she walked away. When she was gone, they all resumed whispering to each other and stealing glances at our table.
I sought Shiori out later that morning. She was hiding in her room, embarrassed, blushing, terrified. When she saw me, she began crying, and walked away from the door without shutting it. I took this as an invitation and went in.
"Juri," she whispered. "I... guess you heard. Everyone's talking about me."
"I thought you liked it when people talked about you," I replied softly.
"Not like this," she hissed. "Not like... not when they say dirty, awful things."
That stung, but I held it in. She's so good at accidentally hurting me. "So it's not true?" I asked.
"I'm not like that," she whimpered. "Really. I'm not. I... I was drunk, and it was so warm in her arms, Juri. She looks so much like Miki-kun."
I didn't say anything.
Shiori's voice was empty. "I felt so bad after what I said to you last night. It was so pathetic, I was like a child. I'm so sorry..." she broke into giggles, even as tears rolled down her face. "It's stupid. I'm not sorry when I hurt you, but I am when I make a fool of myself. It's petty and small and stupid.
"I just wanted to run away. From you. It's so hard, Juri, you don't understand, you DON'T understand. It's so hard to not be special. But... I found her, and she understands! And she...
"She told me I was beautiful, and she had her hands around my neck, and she told me... she told me to imagine that she... was you. That her voice was your voice, that her breasts were yours...
"And she had her hands around my neck, and she told me to call your name, louder and louder... Juri, really, I'm not like that! Really!
"And I was so afraid that you would hear me. But you didn't. Miki-san heard me. I guess... she knew he was there."
She was fully sobbing now. "I'm not like that, Juri, I'm not! But she had her hands around my neck and... Juri, I just wanted to be beautiful, I wanted..."
I wrapped my arms around her and she sobbed against my chest like a child, like a strong, beautiful, special child.
She calmed down after ten minutes or so. "Juri," she mumbled, "why? Why're you here?"
I didn't have an answer, so I just stroaked her hair over and over, her soft, beautiful, perfect hair. Maybe someday a poet will love her and describe her beauty with wonderful, artistic words. I hope so.
She moaned softly and closed her eyes. "I lied before," she murmured. "When she s'd she was you, had my hands 'round her neck, too."
And then she fell asleep.
"You really hurt her. She's fragile now, even more than before." A pause as chapped lips are licked. "You goddamned bastard."
Ruka could not answer me. Neither could his tombstone.
I truly hate Ruka, I think. I still don't know why I keep his
grave stocked with fresh, blue roses.
Sweet laughter bubbled up from behind me. I whirled to see the one person I least wanted to see, want EVER to see.
"Don't worry, Juri-sempai," Kozue said, walking up to Ruka's grave, uncomfortably close to me. "I won't tell anyone you talk to yourself."
"What are you doing here, Kozue?" I near-growled. Looking back, I should not have allowed myself to get so angry. She is adept at manipulating people.
"Merely visiting my departed classmate," she answered calmly. "You know, his hospital room was so white... sterile." She looked at me as I (stupidly) gazed back in shock. "Sterile, but not pure."
I did not, could not reply. "White like Utena's rose," she mused after a pause, turning her eyes back to his headstone.
I quickly regained my composure and fixed her with an icy glare. "I don't care what you did with Ruka or anyone else," I whispered, "but stay away from Shiori."
She laughed again, and there was something there that almost frightened me. "She's a complex person. I can see what entices you."
I swear, only her resemblence to Miki stopped me from physically attacking her.
"It's so funny," she continuted, "Last night, as I looked at her, I could almost see myself staring back." She moved her eyes up my body to my face. "It was either me or Miki, I couldn't tell. We look so alike."
"I don't care," I said simply. "Matters between you and Miki are none of my business. But Shiori..."
"That's right, Miki is my business," she interrupted (interrupted *ME*). There was a touch of madness in her voice and I suddenly knew why people could fear her so. "He will never be your business."
Even now, I can't think of a decent reply to that. Nothing would have convinced her of the truth. But deep down I knew she was afraid of me, and silence was my friend. Unfortunately, it was broken almost immediately by a cellular telephone's beep.
Kozue reached into her purse and pulled out the device, never taking her eyes off Ruka's grave. She opened it and held it to her ear. "Hello?"
Oh, she smiled a wicked smile that was obviously for my benefit. She looked like a cat about to eat a baby bird. "Well, speak of the devil."
I ignored her and walked to the tombstone. I bent down and took the now-wilted bouquet I had left the week before. The dark roses were still beautiful, but no longer strong or fragrant.
"I think that's a good idea," Kozue was saying. "I'll see you then." A beep and the phone was back in her purse. She still wasn't looking directly at me.
"She wants to talk about what happened," she announced. "And also about other things."
I did not reply, but this time it was a willful protest.
Kozue looked sideways at me. "Don't worry about her," she said quietly. "My word means nothing, but I give you my word I'll never hurt her. She's so innocent and weak... I'm not going to do anything but save her."
I glared. It was deep and menacing and I could tell she was frightened. Smiling, she indicated the grave with a nod of her head. "Poor, poor boy," she murmured. "I wonder if he did any of the things he said he wanted to do to you."
The world flashed white. I stood and moved to slap her, but she was already walking quickly towards the exit.
As I walked back to campus, I cursed my circumstances. I had been experiencing possibly the worst day of my entire life, and it was hard to shake the feeling that I only had myself to blame for it. After all, if only I'd put a stop to the rumors about me and Miki, if only I'd been able to talk to Shiori, if only I'd handled the situation with Kozue better, if only I still loved Shiori...
I must have made a terrifying sight, walking across the campus, brooding like that. People stopped and stared, wondering who was going to bear the brunt of my rage. I glanced at groups of them as I passed, scowling, when I suddenly saw a pair of piercing blue eyes.
She was probably on her way to class, and I was obviously in no mood to talk, but our gazes met for more than a second. In that second, something melted inside me.
I must have done something right, because she smiled at me and went on her way. Her gossiping friends didn't even seem to notice anything had happened, but somehow we both knew we'd affected the other.
The next thing I knew, someone was softly clearing their throat behind me. I turned and saw Tsuwabuki Mitsuru approaching, clipboard in hand. "Excuse me, Arisugawa-sempai," he said, bowing his head. "Miki-san asked me to tell you that he is not going to be able to attend fencing practice this afternoon."
I frowned. "Did he say why?"
"He said it was personal, and that he hopes you understand."
"I do. Thank you, Mitsuru-kun." I nodded politely and expected that to be the end of the conversation.
However, he did not walk away. "Arisugawa-sempai... may I ask, have you heard the most recent rumors about Kozue-san?"
"No, I haven't," I answered. "And I don't care. Excuse me, Mitsuru-kun." I turned to walk away.
"Wait," he called timidly. I stopped without really knowing why. "Please," he said, "she may seem strange, but she has a good heart. She doesn't really want to hurt anybody."
"I don't have any feelings about her one way or the other," I replied curtly.
"Yes, but something's happened," he said earnestly. "This morning, she told me to contact all the boys she'd been dating and... break up with them for her. She said she doesn't care about the men of Ohtori anymore, not since last night."
I didn't say anything.
"I tried to talk to her, to convince her, but Miki-san came and asked me to leave. He gave me that message for you. And... I have something I need to tell you, too."
I raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"I don't know what's happened, but I know you're mad at her. And Arisugawa-sempai," (at this point he looked straight into my eyes; he was almost shaking) "I won't let you hurt her."
I almost burst out laughing, but he was just too serious. "I swear," he continued, "i-if you touch her, I'll make you pay."
"What will you do?" I asked, hardly able to keep a grin off my face.
"I don't know, but I'll make you pay. And, and Takatsuki-sempai, too, if she has anything to do it. I swear."
It was no longer funny.
"She has a good heart," he said again.
I regarded him seriously, my fists clenched by my sides. "I promise, you have nothing to worry about," I said quietly, taking a step closer to him. "Now, have you finished your business with me?"
He gulped audibly and nodded.
"Remember," I said, placing my hand on his shoulder and squeezing it tightly, "Takatsuki-san has a good heart too."
"I'll remember that," he replied, his face white as a sheet. "Just... remember what I said."
I smiled, and let go of his shoulder. He turned and walked briskly away.
Fencing practice came next, and I was a demon. I don't believe it took me more than a single lunge to score a point on anyone that afternoon. I was unforgiving; I yelled at every tiny mistake they made, shaming them for losing so quickly.
Had Miki been there, he'd have had positive things to say about everyone's performance. Had Shiori been there, she'd have smiled at me and I'd stop being quite so angry. As it was... well, let's just say I caused a few tears that day.
When Oaka lost, she simply listend to my shouted advice and returned to her place in line. I was suddenly embarrassed, but I didn't let it show.
After practice, I requested she stay for a moment longer, under the pretence of harranguing her further on the minutia of her defensive stance. Her friends looked simultaneously sympathetic and envious as they filed out. I suppose she'd mentioned the letter to them.
I regarded her carefully as I told her which muscles to tense, which foot to keep her weight on, and so on. She was signifigantly shorter than me, about Nanami's size, but she was very muscular and had clear, focused eyes. She did not have the build of a fencer at all. It was surprising she was as good as she was.
I couldn't help thinking what a better match she would make with Miki.
"I recieved your letter," I said out of the blue.
She blushed and stammered something apologetic. I smiled despite myself. "I think it was very sweet," I said. "No one's ever had the courage or inclination to give me one, before." That was actually true at the time.
She turned bright red. Now I was sure she'd make a better match for Miki. "I have a student council meeting in a few minutes, but I would like to get to know you better." I couldn't believe I was saying this. "Would you meet me back here at seven o'clock?"
Her face lit up and she agreed enthusiastically. It was cute; I chuckled. She gathered her things and left quickly, and for some reason I felt much, much better than I had before practice.
"I can't believe I just did that," I muttered to myself.
I had a few minutes before the meeting, so I returned to my dorm room and immediately headed to the bathroom to shower.
I love showers.
When I was a child, I remember reading in some storybook about a character who was perpetually rained upon. He had a small thundercloud hovering a few meters over his head at all times, and even though everyone else was walking around in sunshine, he was eternally soaked and dreary.
I loved that character. Storybooks never appealed to me; I appreciate realism instead of childish fantasy, but for some reason he captured my imagination.
As I recall, I spent several days searching for my raincloud. I'm a bit embarrassed about that now, but I was a child and didn't know better. Even today, I often stand in the shower, close my eyes, and pretend I have a raincloud. It's so much harder to think about things in the sunshine.
Anyway, as I shampooed my hair, I couldn't help reflecting on what I had just done. I had set up a date.
A date.
With a GIRL.
Who wasn't Shiori.
I had no delusions about the situation; I know what happens. A girl sees someone like me, strong and beautiful, and respects her on an objective level, and sometimes that respect grows into something more. It's selfish, too; Oaka wanted to be LIKE me, not WITH me. She thought my affection could make her strong.
That's ridiculous, I thought with scorn and more than a little anger. Love can't make you strong.
I remembered how people used to talk about Utena. She was as popular at Ohtori as any handsome man, but her admirers could barely even remember her name after she left. These things are fleeting and artificial. Not love.
There was another issue... my sexuality... that I really did not want to address. Yes, I had strong feelings for Shiori, and yes, Shiori is a woman, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
I really don't like thinking about this. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because it makes me feel like such a damn TEENAGER. Though, I guess if Utena taught me anything, it's that I'm not as grown up as I like to think I am.
Utena... I wonder what my feelings for her really were. And I wonder what they would have been if I'd met her later, when my heart merely itched.
I dried myself and redressed quickly. I had business to consider now. The meeting was in half an hour, and I still hadn't decided on a replacement. It didn't really matter, since I knew Saionji just didn't care enough to choose a new vice-president. Still, there were precious few alternatives.
I was putting on my uniform when I heard a knock on the door. Buttoning up only high enough to be decent, I went and opened it.
Ohtori Akio stood there. I nearly shut the door in his face, but the expression he wore... he didn't look like the Ends of the World at all.
I hadn't seen him since Utena left. I had heard that he simply wasn't the same man he'd been before; not nearly as charming, not nearly as cunning. Most of the students thought it was such a shame, but they'd never ridden in his car.
"Arisugawa-san," he said politely, and he looked... sad. "Excuse me for interrupting you. May I come in?"
I simply glared at him. He laughed quietly, regretfully. "Don't worry. I don't bring news of duels or roses, just boring, mundane academy business."
I kept glaring.
His eyes were empty. "Fine, if you insist, I'll just stay out here."
"What do you want, Chairman." He was much less attractive than he used to be. He must have lost something very important, or he was trying to gain my sympathy. Either way, I wanted him gone.
"I saw you in the graveyard earlier. I would have spoken to you then, but you looked to be... occupied."
"What were you doing spying on me?" I asked harshly.
He smiled fakely. "Don't worry, Arisugawa-san, it was a coincidence. I was paying my respects to a young man I used to know."
"Please get to the point, Mr. Chairman. I don't want to be late to my student council meeting."
"Yes, of course." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper, folded in half. "Please give this to Kiryuu-san," he said, holding it out to me. "It's an official order from the chairman to the president in regards to next year's student council. I tried to tell him face to face, but he wanted nothing to do with me."
I snatched the note away. "I'm not surprised," I growled.
He sighed. "I've never understood it, Arisugawa-san," he said. "What have I done to wrong you so?"
"You used us," I replied, and that was answer enough.
He closed his eyes and suddenly was beautiful again. Anger spread across his face like a war, and he looked just as he did while riding on the hood of his car. I could feel Ruka's hands.
"How childish," he muttered. "None of you understand." He looked up, and was haggard again. "I freed you from hopelessness, Arisugawa. Did you think it was an accident, the way it all fit together?"
I was so taken aback I could barely speak. "Utena..."
(Utena... it's what I whispered when I had really felt those hands moving on my body, the scrape of fabric on the leather seats and the whirring wind deafening... he hadn't heard and for a while I forgot I even said it)
"Utena was a fool," he interrupted coldly. "Too stupid to accept my help. She was just another point of view, just another duelist. Don't credit false princes for your transformation."
He looked very old all of a sudden. "I helped Kiryuu understand himself, I showed his sister and Kaoru how to grow up, I allowed Saionji to learn self-respect. NONE of that would have happened without me, do you understand? No matter how twisted I become, I am still a prince."
He sighed again and for a second I thought I saw a tear flash in his cheek, but it was just a trick of the light. "I always do good, and when I do wrong I make up for it. Please give that note to the president."
And then he was gone.
I don't know why, but my anger was gone with him. It was as if something had just snatched it away.
I unfolded the note. There, in the End of the World's impeccable handwriting, read, "The new vice-president will be Shinohara Wakaba."
I had to make a stop before the meeting. I still don't really know why, but something compelled me, told me things would never be okay if I didn't go.
I stood in front of Shiori's door for over a full minute before knocking. I think I was trying to convince myself to be nervous or afraid, but it wasn't working.
The door opened, and a beautiful young woman stood there in front of me, dressed in loose-fitting clothes that suited her perfectly. She seemed... taller. Too large to comfortably fit in my arms.
"Juri-san..." Shiori whispered, looking horrified. "I..."
"Good evening, Shiori-san," I said, nodding politely. "I'm sorry to just drop by like this. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
As if in reply, a slender arm snaked around her shoulder and pulled her close, in a tight embrace. Kozue stood behind her, eyes cold. She didn't say anything.
"Eh... Juri-san..." Shiori stammered. "We..."
"I think she can figure out for herself what we were doing," Kozue interrupted. Her voice was a deep, seductive growl.
"I apologize," I said, and I think I meant it. I think. They were pressed so close together, like one person made up of two, a person I somehow both admired and despised. "However, I am just on my way to a meeting, and I need to speak with Shiori in private for a moment."
Kozue's eyes narrowed as she nuzzled Shiori's neck. "Anything you have to say to her you can say in front of me. We understand each other, isn't that right, Shiori-chan?"
"Y-yes," Shiori said, "but... it's okay." She dislodged herself from Kozue's grip and looked at her tenderly. "It'll only take a second."
Kozue glared at her, then at me, then back at her, and eventually stepped back into the flat and shut the door.
Shiori was white as a sheet, but she forced herself to smile for me. "We weren't doing anything, Juri-san. We were just talking. She likes to show off for people. But, we decided, if she doesn't care what Miki thinks, I shouldn't care what you think so much."
"That might be good," I said.
Shiori giggled. "I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. I... I don't remember exactly what I said, but it must have been awful. We talked about that, too. She really does understand me, Juri-san. We have something in common... something deep I don't really understand. She..."
"It's okay, Shiori," I interrupted. "You don't have to justify anything to me. I'm not here because of her."
Shiori blinked. "But, I thought..."
"You weren't at fencing practice today."
She looked confused and squinted at me. "Y-yes, I was here, with Kozue."
I held my head high and regarded her like a stone goddess protecting a village. "How do you expect your skills to improve if you don't even come to practice?"
She somehow went even whiter.
"Are you serious about fencing?"
She hung her head. "I am," she admitted eventually. "I started because of something Ruka said... he told me I wasn't strong enough to help him win the power of miracles."
That cruel bastard. "When did he say that?"
"In the dueling arena, right before he dumped me. I was so confused; I never knew what was going on. After all that, joining the club just felt right. I wanted to be stronger than him, and I wanted to be friends with you again, but... it's just stupid, isn't it? I hurt you so many times, I even made you fall in..."
She caught herself just in time. Her mouth hung open as she stared at me in horror. She probably thought I was going to throttle her or have her expelled or something.
"Shiori," I said, "You've been fencing for about a month. In that time, you have shown more raw talent than I have ever seen. With practice and hard work, you could easily become the best fencer in the club, and that includes Miki and myself."
She closed her mouth.
"I would like to teach you all I know. I want to see you excel."
"But... but that won't happen," she whispered. "I could never be that good."
"I can defeat most of the experienced students faster than I can beat you. Did you think I was going easier on you?"
She looked away, and it was obvious that was exactly what she'd thought. "No," she said, "Of course not."
I wanted to just kick the wall, but for some reason I was oddly serene. I took her hand and made her look at me, into my eyes. She was desperately beautiful. "Shiori, I need to know. I know you can do it, but you have to believe in yourself for anything to happen."
She blushed and looked away. "I want to believe. But it's not as simple as you think, Juri. It's all so easy for you, but for me it'd take a miracle or something."
I smiled. "Then you'd better believe in the power of miracles."
She looked at me blankly for a second, then slowly, very slowly, she smiled too. I remembered that smile, it was the one she'd always have when we were children and she'd just beaten me in some game.
Gods above, I love that smile.
"Thanks, Juri," she murmured.
And then she hugged me, just like she had always done in the old days, and I couldn't help it; all I could think of for a moment was that first night when I lay awake in my bed and suddenly became aware of how often I thought of her, how precius every touch was, how badly I wanted her in my arms...
She broke away suddenly. "I... I'm sorry," she whispered guiltily. "I didn't think..."
"It's okay," I said softly, and it really was. The moment was horrible but brief and difficult to even remember a second later. "Things may be a bit awkward, Shiori, but I'll manage. All I want is for you to believe in yourself."
She smiled wearily, and it was a new smile for her. She hadn't had it when we were children. "You know, Kozue-chan said almost exactly the same thing tonight."
"Did she?" I forced myself to not growl.
"Yes, she said she and I are like those birds she keeps. They don't have any parents to teach them to fly, but they know how. They just needed someone to prod them hard enough. She said they did it for each other, and we could too."
"I think you can," I said softly.
Shiori grinned. "I'd better get back inside; she's probably listening at the door with a glass or something." She looked up at me, raising an eyebrow. "You don't like her very much, do you? I mean, aside from... before all this happened, I mean."
"It doesn't matter what I think of her," I replied. "I just hope you won't spend time strangling each other anymore."
Suddenly, the door opened. Kozue stood there, an empty drinking glass in her hand. "We were both very upset last night, Arisugawa-sempai. She won't be calling your name out loud anymore, either."
I really should have been upset or angry or at least insulted, but I couldn't muster it. Things were just... okay. "I apologize for the misunderstanding earlier today," I said, very slightly bowing to Kozue. "I acted inexcusably."
For a quick second she looked surprised, but then just sneered. "Oh, me too. That reminds me, aren't you late for your student council meeting? Poor Miki will be waiting all alone with no one to keep him company."
"Kozue-chan..." Shiori murmured. "We talked about this."
Kozue smirked. She interlocked her arm with Shiori's and kept staring at me. "You're white as a sheet, Juri-sempai," she said. "Is something upsetting you?"
"Kozue-chan, please don't do this," Shiori nearly snapped. "I told you before, there's nothing to be jealous of. She's just my friend."
"And your fencing instructor," I reminded her.
Kozue's eyes narrowed. "Don't be arrogant, Juri-sempai," she said. "She's a much better person than you give her credit for."
I gave an ironic little half-smile, something I never used to do as a child. "Yes, she is."
Shiori blushed, but remained silent. "Well, I don't want to use up any more of your time," I said. "Please excuse me."
"Thanks again, Juri-san." Shiori looked so comfortable in Kozue's arms. She looked like she fit perfectly. "I'll see you at practice tomorrow."
"I look forward to it." She looked happy, she really did. "Goodbye Shiori-san, Kozue-san."
I think they stayed there in the doorway watching me walk all the way down the hall, but I can't be sure because I didn't turn around to look back.
Jon Carp
jcarp@med.unc.edu
When I arrived at the cafeteria for breakfast, I was surprised to see Wakaba sitting in my usual seat. Across from her was Miki, who looked haggard and exhausted. I could hear her telling him to "cheer up!" all the way across the room.
As I neared the table, I realized with some concern that Miki's condition was even worse than I had originally thought. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair mussed, his expression downcast. Wakaba noticed me as I approached.
"I'm sorry I took your seat, Juri-sempai," she said, blushing and rising quickly. "I noticed that Miki-kun had the blues, so I came to perk him up."
"That's okay," I replied. I was not just being polite. For the first time, I actually enjoyed seeing Wakaba. She was different than Utena, surely, but she had that same spark of life and innocence.
Wakaba leaned close to Miki. "You need to tell her!" she hissed, cupping her hand over her mouth in an impotent attempt to keep me from hearing. "You know how rumors spread here; it's better that she hears it from you!"
I sat across from Miki and looked him straight in the eye. Wakaba leaned close to me. "Now, sempai, please don't be upset," she said, this time not bothering to cup her hand.
We both looked at Miki, who sighed miserably. "It's Kozue," he muttered after a moment.
Of course it is, I thought. But how does this involve me?
"I... caught her last night. She was... with... another woman."
My eyes narrowed. "Juri-sempai," Wakaba said fearfully, "please don't be upset."
Miki looked me straight in the eye. "It was Shiori-san."
Every single muscle in my body tensed. For a horrible moment, the itching threatened to turn back to pain... but then it subsided.
"Juri-sempai..."
"I'm not upset, Wakaba-san," I said softly.
"When I came upon them, Shiori-san began crying and ran off. Kozue... she just smiled and told me not to worry."
I couldn't think of anything to say. I just kept on gazing straight at Miki.
I guess I made him nervous, because he quickly looked up, blushing. "I'm not upset because I caught Kozue with a woman, Sempai," he said. "It's... I don't even know why she does this to me."
"They are both petty," I said with quiet anger. "Petty little girls."
Wakaba laughed nervously. "Now, come on," she said. " I know you're both upset, but don't be mad at them! They may be a little strange, but you want them both to be happy, right? I mean, Kozue-san is your sister, and Shiori-san is your... your friend, right? Being mad won't make them happy."
I glared at Wakaba, who just grinned back. God, she even somehow looks like Utena now! The same look in those brown eyes: innocent, yet determined, and strangely beautiful.
"What do you think will make them happy, Wakaba-san?" I asked.
"I dunno," Wakaba replied. "Love, probably. Orrrrrrrr... friendship. You know, stuff like that."
She stood up and winked. "I've got some time before my debate club meeting. I'm going to see if I can find Kozue-san or Shiori-san, and if I do, I'm going to say hello and make friends with them." She paused, and thought for a second. "Unless you REALLY ARE mad at them. Then I'll yell and make a big scene!"
"I think we've made enough of a scene right here," I chided, though I wasn't really mad.
Wakaba pouted for a moment, then grinned. "Okay, then," she said. "I'll just leave well-enough alone. That's what Utena-sama would have done."
It's odd how profound the mention of someone's name can be, even when they didn't affect you directly. I suddenly realized what a great loss Wakaba had experienced.
But then, naturally, my mind filled with Shiori again and I couldn't think of anything else.
"Thank you, Wakaba-san," Miki said politely. Wakaba grinned back, nodded to me, and left. Every head in the cafeteria (especially those belonging to men) turned to watch as she walked away. When she was gone, they all resumed whispering to each other and stealing glances at our table.
I sought Shiori out later that morning. She was hiding in her room, embarrassed, blushing, terrified. When she saw me, she began crying, and walked away from the door without shutting it. I took this as an invitation and went in.
"Juri," she whispered. "I... guess you heard. Everyone's talking about me."
"I thought you liked it when people talked about you," I replied softly.
"Not like this," she hissed. "Not like... not when they say dirty, awful things."
That stung, but I held it in. She's so good at accidentally hurting me. "So it's not true?" I asked.
"I'm not like that," she whimpered. "Really. I'm not. I... I was drunk, and it was so warm in her arms, Juri. She looks so much like Miki-kun."
I didn't say anything.
Shiori's voice was empty. "I felt so bad after what I said to you last night. It was so pathetic, I was like a child. I'm so sorry..." she broke into giggles, even as tears rolled down her face. "It's stupid. I'm not sorry when I hurt you, but I am when I make a fool of myself. It's petty and small and stupid.
"I just wanted to run away. From you. It's so hard, Juri, you don't understand, you DON'T understand. It's so hard to not be special. But... I found her, and she understands! And she...
"She told me I was beautiful, and she had her hands around my neck, and she told me... she told me to imagine that she... was you. That her voice was your voice, that her breasts were yours...
"And she had her hands around my neck, and she told me to call your name, louder and louder... Juri, really, I'm not like that! Really!
"And I was so afraid that you would hear me. But you didn't. Miki-san heard me. I guess... she knew he was there."
She was fully sobbing now. "I'm not like that, Juri, I'm not! But she had her hands around my neck and... Juri, I just wanted to be beautiful, I wanted..."
I wrapped my arms around her and she sobbed against my chest like a child, like a strong, beautiful, special child.
She calmed down after ten minutes or so. "Juri," she mumbled, "why? Why're you here?"
I didn't have an answer, so I just stroaked her hair over and over, her soft, beautiful, perfect hair. Maybe someday a poet will love her and describe her beauty with wonderful, artistic words. I hope so.
She moaned softly and closed her eyes. "I lied before," she murmured. "When she s'd she was you, had my hands 'round her neck, too."
And then she fell asleep.
"You really hurt her. She's fragile now, even more than before." A pause as chapped lips are licked. "You goddamned bastard."
Ruka could not answer me. Neither could his tombstone.
I truly hate Ruka, I think. I still don't know why I keep his
grave stocked with fresh, blue roses.
Sweet laughter bubbled up from behind me. I whirled to see the one person I least wanted to see, want EVER to see.
"Don't worry, Juri-sempai," Kozue said, walking up to Ruka's grave, uncomfortably close to me. "I won't tell anyone you talk to yourself."
"What are you doing here, Kozue?" I near-growled. Looking back, I should not have allowed myself to get so angry. She is adept at manipulating people.
"Merely visiting my departed classmate," she answered calmly. "You know, his hospital room was so white... sterile." She looked at me as I (stupidly) gazed back in shock. "Sterile, but not pure."
I did not, could not reply. "White like Utena's rose," she mused after a pause, turning her eyes back to his headstone.
I quickly regained my composure and fixed her with an icy glare. "I don't care what you did with Ruka or anyone else," I whispered, "but stay away from Shiori."
She laughed again, and there was something there that almost frightened me. "She's a complex person. I can see what entices you."
I swear, only her resemblence to Miki stopped me from physically attacking her.
"It's so funny," she continuted, "Last night, as I looked at her, I could almost see myself staring back." She moved her eyes up my body to my face. "It was either me or Miki, I couldn't tell. We look so alike."
"I don't care," I said simply. "Matters between you and Miki are none of my business. But Shiori..."
"That's right, Miki is my business," she interrupted (interrupted *ME*). There was a touch of madness in her voice and I suddenly knew why people could fear her so. "He will never be your business."
Even now, I can't think of a decent reply to that. Nothing would have convinced her of the truth. But deep down I knew she was afraid of me, and silence was my friend. Unfortunately, it was broken almost immediately by a cellular telephone's beep.
Kozue reached into her purse and pulled out the device, never taking her eyes off Ruka's grave. She opened it and held it to her ear. "Hello?"
Oh, she smiled a wicked smile that was obviously for my benefit. She looked like a cat about to eat a baby bird. "Well, speak of the devil."
I ignored her and walked to the tombstone. I bent down and took the now-wilted bouquet I had left the week before. The dark roses were still beautiful, but no longer strong or fragrant.
"I think that's a good idea," Kozue was saying. "I'll see you then." A beep and the phone was back in her purse. She still wasn't looking directly at me.
"She wants to talk about what happened," she announced. "And also about other things."
I did not reply, but this time it was a willful protest.
Kozue looked sideways at me. "Don't worry about her," she said quietly. "My word means nothing, but I give you my word I'll never hurt her. She's so innocent and weak... I'm not going to do anything but save her."
I glared. It was deep and menacing and I could tell she was frightened. Smiling, she indicated the grave with a nod of her head. "Poor, poor boy," she murmured. "I wonder if he did any of the things he said he wanted to do to you."
The world flashed white. I stood and moved to slap her, but she was already walking quickly towards the exit.
As I walked back to campus, I cursed my circumstances. I had been experiencing possibly the worst day of my entire life, and it was hard to shake the feeling that I only had myself to blame for it. After all, if only I'd put a stop to the rumors about me and Miki, if only I'd been able to talk to Shiori, if only I'd handled the situation with Kozue better, if only I still loved Shiori...
I must have made a terrifying sight, walking across the campus, brooding like that. People stopped and stared, wondering who was going to bear the brunt of my rage. I glanced at groups of them as I passed, scowling, when I suddenly saw a pair of piercing blue eyes.
She was probably on her way to class, and I was obviously in no mood to talk, but our gazes met for more than a second. In that second, something melted inside me.
I must have done something right, because she smiled at me and went on her way. Her gossiping friends didn't even seem to notice anything had happened, but somehow we both knew we'd affected the other.
The next thing I knew, someone was softly clearing their throat behind me. I turned and saw Tsuwabuki Mitsuru approaching, clipboard in hand. "Excuse me, Arisugawa-sempai," he said, bowing his head. "Miki-san asked me to tell you that he is not going to be able to attend fencing practice this afternoon."
I frowned. "Did he say why?"
"He said it was personal, and that he hopes you understand."
"I do. Thank you, Mitsuru-kun." I nodded politely and expected that to be the end of the conversation.
However, he did not walk away. "Arisugawa-sempai... may I ask, have you heard the most recent rumors about Kozue-san?"
"No, I haven't," I answered. "And I don't care. Excuse me, Mitsuru-kun." I turned to walk away.
"Wait," he called timidly. I stopped without really knowing why. "Please," he said, "she may seem strange, but she has a good heart. She doesn't really want to hurt anybody."
"I don't have any feelings about her one way or the other," I replied curtly.
"Yes, but something's happened," he said earnestly. "This morning, she told me to contact all the boys she'd been dating and... break up with them for her. She said she doesn't care about the men of Ohtori anymore, not since last night."
I didn't say anything.
"I tried to talk to her, to convince her, but Miki-san came and asked me to leave. He gave me that message for you. And... I have something I need to tell you, too."
I raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"I don't know what's happened, but I know you're mad at her. And Arisugawa-sempai," (at this point he looked straight into my eyes; he was almost shaking) "I won't let you hurt her."
I almost burst out laughing, but he was just too serious. "I swear," he continued, "i-if you touch her, I'll make you pay."
"What will you do?" I asked, hardly able to keep a grin off my face.
"I don't know, but I'll make you pay. And, and Takatsuki-sempai, too, if she has anything to do it. I swear."
It was no longer funny.
"She has a good heart," he said again.
I regarded him seriously, my fists clenched by my sides. "I promise, you have nothing to worry about," I said quietly, taking a step closer to him. "Now, have you finished your business with me?"
He gulped audibly and nodded.
"Remember," I said, placing my hand on his shoulder and squeezing it tightly, "Takatsuki-san has a good heart too."
"I'll remember that," he replied, his face white as a sheet. "Just... remember what I said."
I smiled, and let go of his shoulder. He turned and walked briskly away.
Fencing practice came next, and I was a demon. I don't believe it took me more than a single lunge to score a point on anyone that afternoon. I was unforgiving; I yelled at every tiny mistake they made, shaming them for losing so quickly.
Had Miki been there, he'd have had positive things to say about everyone's performance. Had Shiori been there, she'd have smiled at me and I'd stop being quite so angry. As it was... well, let's just say I caused a few tears that day.
When Oaka lost, she simply listend to my shouted advice and returned to her place in line. I was suddenly embarrassed, but I didn't let it show.
After practice, I requested she stay for a moment longer, under the pretence of harranguing her further on the minutia of her defensive stance. Her friends looked simultaneously sympathetic and envious as they filed out. I suppose she'd mentioned the letter to them.
I regarded her carefully as I told her which muscles to tense, which foot to keep her weight on, and so on. She was signifigantly shorter than me, about Nanami's size, but she was very muscular and had clear, focused eyes. She did not have the build of a fencer at all. It was surprising she was as good as she was.
I couldn't help thinking what a better match she would make with Miki.
"I recieved your letter," I said out of the blue.
She blushed and stammered something apologetic. I smiled despite myself. "I think it was very sweet," I said. "No one's ever had the courage or inclination to give me one, before." That was actually true at the time.
She turned bright red. Now I was sure she'd make a better match for Miki. "I have a student council meeting in a few minutes, but I would like to get to know you better." I couldn't believe I was saying this. "Would you meet me back here at seven o'clock?"
Her face lit up and she agreed enthusiastically. It was cute; I chuckled. She gathered her things and left quickly, and for some reason I felt much, much better than I had before practice.
"I can't believe I just did that," I muttered to myself.
I had a few minutes before the meeting, so I returned to my dorm room and immediately headed to the bathroom to shower.
I love showers.
When I was a child, I remember reading in some storybook about a character who was perpetually rained upon. He had a small thundercloud hovering a few meters over his head at all times, and even though everyone else was walking around in sunshine, he was eternally soaked and dreary.
I loved that character. Storybooks never appealed to me; I appreciate realism instead of childish fantasy, but for some reason he captured my imagination.
As I recall, I spent several days searching for my raincloud. I'm a bit embarrassed about that now, but I was a child and didn't know better. Even today, I often stand in the shower, close my eyes, and pretend I have a raincloud. It's so much harder to think about things in the sunshine.
Anyway, as I shampooed my hair, I couldn't help reflecting on what I had just done. I had set up a date.
A date.
With a GIRL.
Who wasn't Shiori.
I had no delusions about the situation; I know what happens. A girl sees someone like me, strong and beautiful, and respects her on an objective level, and sometimes that respect grows into something more. It's selfish, too; Oaka wanted to be LIKE me, not WITH me. She thought my affection could make her strong.
That's ridiculous, I thought with scorn and more than a little anger. Love can't make you strong.
I remembered how people used to talk about Utena. She was as popular at Ohtori as any handsome man, but her admirers could barely even remember her name after she left. These things are fleeting and artificial. Not love.
There was another issue... my sexuality... that I really did not want to address. Yes, I had strong feelings for Shiori, and yes, Shiori is a woman, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
I really don't like thinking about this. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because it makes me feel like such a damn TEENAGER. Though, I guess if Utena taught me anything, it's that I'm not as grown up as I like to think I am.
Utena... I wonder what my feelings for her really were. And I wonder what they would have been if I'd met her later, when my heart merely itched.
I dried myself and redressed quickly. I had business to consider now. The meeting was in half an hour, and I still hadn't decided on a replacement. It didn't really matter, since I knew Saionji just didn't care enough to choose a new vice-president. Still, there were precious few alternatives.
I was putting on my uniform when I heard a knock on the door. Buttoning up only high enough to be decent, I went and opened it.
Ohtori Akio stood there. I nearly shut the door in his face, but the expression he wore... he didn't look like the Ends of the World at all.
I hadn't seen him since Utena left. I had heard that he simply wasn't the same man he'd been before; not nearly as charming, not nearly as cunning. Most of the students thought it was such a shame, but they'd never ridden in his car.
"Arisugawa-san," he said politely, and he looked... sad. "Excuse me for interrupting you. May I come in?"
I simply glared at him. He laughed quietly, regretfully. "Don't worry. I don't bring news of duels or roses, just boring, mundane academy business."
I kept glaring.
His eyes were empty. "Fine, if you insist, I'll just stay out here."
"What do you want, Chairman." He was much less attractive than he used to be. He must have lost something very important, or he was trying to gain my sympathy. Either way, I wanted him gone.
"I saw you in the graveyard earlier. I would have spoken to you then, but you looked to be... occupied."
"What were you doing spying on me?" I asked harshly.
He smiled fakely. "Don't worry, Arisugawa-san, it was a coincidence. I was paying my respects to a young man I used to know."
"Please get to the point, Mr. Chairman. I don't want to be late to my student council meeting."
"Yes, of course." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper, folded in half. "Please give this to Kiryuu-san," he said, holding it out to me. "It's an official order from the chairman to the president in regards to next year's student council. I tried to tell him face to face, but he wanted nothing to do with me."
I snatched the note away. "I'm not surprised," I growled.
He sighed. "I've never understood it, Arisugawa-san," he said. "What have I done to wrong you so?"
"You used us," I replied, and that was answer enough.
He closed his eyes and suddenly was beautiful again. Anger spread across his face like a war, and he looked just as he did while riding on the hood of his car. I could feel Ruka's hands.
"How childish," he muttered. "None of you understand." He looked up, and was haggard again. "I freed you from hopelessness, Arisugawa. Did you think it was an accident, the way it all fit together?"
I was so taken aback I could barely speak. "Utena..."
(Utena... it's what I whispered when I had really felt those hands moving on my body, the scrape of fabric on the leather seats and the whirring wind deafening... he hadn't heard and for a while I forgot I even said it)
"Utena was a fool," he interrupted coldly. "Too stupid to accept my help. She was just another point of view, just another duelist. Don't credit false princes for your transformation."
He looked very old all of a sudden. "I helped Kiryuu understand himself, I showed his sister and Kaoru how to grow up, I allowed Saionji to learn self-respect. NONE of that would have happened without me, do you understand? No matter how twisted I become, I am still a prince."
He sighed again and for a second I thought I saw a tear flash in his cheek, but it was just a trick of the light. "I always do good, and when I do wrong I make up for it. Please give that note to the president."
And then he was gone.
I don't know why, but my anger was gone with him. It was as if something had just snatched it away.
I unfolded the note. There, in the End of the World's impeccable handwriting, read, "The new vice-president will be Shinohara Wakaba."
I had to make a stop before the meeting. I still don't really know why, but something compelled me, told me things would never be okay if I didn't go.
I stood in front of Shiori's door for over a full minute before knocking. I think I was trying to convince myself to be nervous or afraid, but it wasn't working.
The door opened, and a beautiful young woman stood there in front of me, dressed in loose-fitting clothes that suited her perfectly. She seemed... taller. Too large to comfortably fit in my arms.
"Juri-san..." Shiori whispered, looking horrified. "I..."
"Good evening, Shiori-san," I said, nodding politely. "I'm sorry to just drop by like this. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
As if in reply, a slender arm snaked around her shoulder and pulled her close, in a tight embrace. Kozue stood behind her, eyes cold. She didn't say anything.
"Eh... Juri-san..." Shiori stammered. "We..."
"I think she can figure out for herself what we were doing," Kozue interrupted. Her voice was a deep, seductive growl.
"I apologize," I said, and I think I meant it. I think. They were pressed so close together, like one person made up of two, a person I somehow both admired and despised. "However, I am just on my way to a meeting, and I need to speak with Shiori in private for a moment."
Kozue's eyes narrowed as she nuzzled Shiori's neck. "Anything you have to say to her you can say in front of me. We understand each other, isn't that right, Shiori-chan?"
"Y-yes," Shiori said, "but... it's okay." She dislodged herself from Kozue's grip and looked at her tenderly. "It'll only take a second."
Kozue glared at her, then at me, then back at her, and eventually stepped back into the flat and shut the door.
Shiori was white as a sheet, but she forced herself to smile for me. "We weren't doing anything, Juri-san. We were just talking. She likes to show off for people. But, we decided, if she doesn't care what Miki thinks, I shouldn't care what you think so much."
"That might be good," I said.
Shiori giggled. "I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. I... I don't remember exactly what I said, but it must have been awful. We talked about that, too. She really does understand me, Juri-san. We have something in common... something deep I don't really understand. She..."
"It's okay, Shiori," I interrupted. "You don't have to justify anything to me. I'm not here because of her."
Shiori blinked. "But, I thought..."
"You weren't at fencing practice today."
She looked confused and squinted at me. "Y-yes, I was here, with Kozue."
I held my head high and regarded her like a stone goddess protecting a village. "How do you expect your skills to improve if you don't even come to practice?"
She somehow went even whiter.
"Are you serious about fencing?"
She hung her head. "I am," she admitted eventually. "I started because of something Ruka said... he told me I wasn't strong enough to help him win the power of miracles."
That cruel bastard. "When did he say that?"
"In the dueling arena, right before he dumped me. I was so confused; I never knew what was going on. After all that, joining the club just felt right. I wanted to be stronger than him, and I wanted to be friends with you again, but... it's just stupid, isn't it? I hurt you so many times, I even made you fall in..."
She caught herself just in time. Her mouth hung open as she stared at me in horror. She probably thought I was going to throttle her or have her expelled or something.
"Shiori," I said, "You've been fencing for about a month. In that time, you have shown more raw talent than I have ever seen. With practice and hard work, you could easily become the best fencer in the club, and that includes Miki and myself."
She closed her mouth.
"I would like to teach you all I know. I want to see you excel."
"But... but that won't happen," she whispered. "I could never be that good."
"I can defeat most of the experienced students faster than I can beat you. Did you think I was going easier on you?"
She looked away, and it was obvious that was exactly what she'd thought. "No," she said, "Of course not."
I wanted to just kick the wall, but for some reason I was oddly serene. I took her hand and made her look at me, into my eyes. She was desperately beautiful. "Shiori, I need to know. I know you can do it, but you have to believe in yourself for anything to happen."
She blushed and looked away. "I want to believe. But it's not as simple as you think, Juri. It's all so easy for you, but for me it'd take a miracle or something."
I smiled. "Then you'd better believe in the power of miracles."
She looked at me blankly for a second, then slowly, very slowly, she smiled too. I remembered that smile, it was the one she'd always have when we were children and she'd just beaten me in some game.
Gods above, I love that smile.
"Thanks, Juri," she murmured.
And then she hugged me, just like she had always done in the old days, and I couldn't help it; all I could think of for a moment was that first night when I lay awake in my bed and suddenly became aware of how often I thought of her, how precius every touch was, how badly I wanted her in my arms...
She broke away suddenly. "I... I'm sorry," she whispered guiltily. "I didn't think..."
"It's okay," I said softly, and it really was. The moment was horrible but brief and difficult to even remember a second later. "Things may be a bit awkward, Shiori, but I'll manage. All I want is for you to believe in yourself."
She smiled wearily, and it was a new smile for her. She hadn't had it when we were children. "You know, Kozue-chan said almost exactly the same thing tonight."
"Did she?" I forced myself to not growl.
"Yes, she said she and I are like those birds she keeps. They don't have any parents to teach them to fly, but they know how. They just needed someone to prod them hard enough. She said they did it for each other, and we could too."
"I think you can," I said softly.
Shiori grinned. "I'd better get back inside; she's probably listening at the door with a glass or something." She looked up at me, raising an eyebrow. "You don't like her very much, do you? I mean, aside from... before all this happened, I mean."
"It doesn't matter what I think of her," I replied. "I just hope you won't spend time strangling each other anymore."
Suddenly, the door opened. Kozue stood there, an empty drinking glass in her hand. "We were both very upset last night, Arisugawa-sempai. She won't be calling your name out loud anymore, either."
I really should have been upset or angry or at least insulted, but I couldn't muster it. Things were just... okay. "I apologize for the misunderstanding earlier today," I said, very slightly bowing to Kozue. "I acted inexcusably."
For a quick second she looked surprised, but then just sneered. "Oh, me too. That reminds me, aren't you late for your student council meeting? Poor Miki will be waiting all alone with no one to keep him company."
"Kozue-chan..." Shiori murmured. "We talked about this."
Kozue smirked. She interlocked her arm with Shiori's and kept staring at me. "You're white as a sheet, Juri-sempai," she said. "Is something upsetting you?"
"Kozue-chan, please don't do this," Shiori nearly snapped. "I told you before, there's nothing to be jealous of. She's just my friend."
"And your fencing instructor," I reminded her.
Kozue's eyes narrowed. "Don't be arrogant, Juri-sempai," she said. "She's a much better person than you give her credit for."
I gave an ironic little half-smile, something I never used to do as a child. "Yes, she is."
Shiori blushed, but remained silent. "Well, I don't want to use up any more of your time," I said. "Please excuse me."
"Thanks again, Juri-san." Shiori looked so comfortable in Kozue's arms. She looked like she fit perfectly. "I'll see you at practice tomorrow."
"I look forward to it." She looked happy, she really did. "Goodbye Shiori-san, Kozue-san."
I think they stayed there in the doorway watching me walk all the way down the hall, but I can't be sure because I didn't turn around to look back.
